Looking Ahead: Week Seventeen

Seventeen weeks ago, a journey began. We were different people then, sporting shorts, tank tops and sunburns. Now we're huddled near the fireplace with mugs of hot cocoa, still hungover from the doctored egg nog at Christmas. We've seen teams rise and fall, some stay the course, and others ride up from behind like your outgrown boxer shorts to surprise us all. Sixteen teams are still in it, but when the dust settles only twelve will remain. Let's get to it.


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AFC East
The Bills stormed out from relative mediocrity to quickly snatch up a division championship before the Dolphins had a chance to recover from a three-game skid. With their win last week, however, Miami took their rightful seat in the playoffs and are now just looking for a home game, which they can clinch with another win against New York at home.

Buffalo can clinch a number one seed with a win against the lowly Lions, paired with a Houston loss.




AFC Central
Houston took control of the division many weeks ago, but just when it looked like the rest of the division was going to be quiet, the Cincinnati Bengals marched out of nowhere to rack up three wins in a row and put themselves in a desirable spot for a wild card berth heading into week 17.

Houston can clinch a number one seed with a win in New York against a hot Giants team, but could also take it with a Buffalo loss regardless of what happens.

Cincinnati can clinch a playoff spot with a win against New England at home, or could back in with losses from both Denver and Los Angeles.




AFC West

Seattle has the tiebreaker, so are technically already in the playoffs. The only thing to decide is the division, which they take with a win over the Rams or a San Diego loss in Denver.

San Diego takes it home with a win against Denver paired with a Seattle loss. If the Chargers lose it, they'll need some help from Steve Grogan in Cincinnati.

Denver has to take out San Diego at home, and will also need Seattle to fall big time for a shot at the division.

Los Angeles will have to beat the Chiefs at home, and look for both Cincinnati and Denver to lose to keep Bo Jackson out of training camp.




NFC East

The New York Football Giants were the success story of the division this year, and would have already clinched mathematically if not for Tecmo's 'anything can happen' attitude. Washington and Philadelphia will also fight for a playoff berth in the final week.

New York can take the number two seed with a win against Houston and a San Francisco loss.

Washington can claim a spot by beating Philadelphia or watching a loss from any one of three teams in Los Angeles, Green Bay or Chicago.

Philadelphia has a similar fate.




NFC Central
Minnesota has been the story of the NFC Central, but after claiming the number one seed last week we now turn our attention to the fading playoff hopes of Green Bay and Chicago.

Green Bay is in with a win, and out with a loss. Simple as that.

Chicago is still mathematically in it, but they need to beat San Francisco and hope for losses from Green Bay or Los Angeles to have a shot.




NFC West
It's been a two-team race for the most part between the 49ers and Rams, despite spotty solid play from the Saints and Falcons. The 49ers have this division in the bag after a huge 9-game win streak, but the Rams still have a chance to regain their early-season prime and make some noise in the postseason.

San Francisco could take the number two seed with a defeat of Chicago paired with a Giants loss.

Los Angeles is in simply with a win, but could follow Cleveland Gary in the back door with a loss from either Green Bay or Chicago.


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There isn't a featured game this week, but to reward your loyal patronage of this increasingly pointless blog we're going to do short vignettes of seven of the more meaningful games. And they are (in no particular order):

San Diego (9-6) at Denver (8-7)
Minnesota (12-3) at Green Bay (8-6-1)
New England (3-12) at Cincinnati (8-7)
Seattle (9-6) at L.A. Rams (9-6)
Philadelphia (9-6) at Washington (9-6)
(if necessary) Chicago (8-7) at San Francisco (10-5)

See you at the pre-game ceremonies, which include a return of the ever-popular 'Keg Stand with Joe Namath'!

(Wednesday) Night Football: Minnesota vs. L.A. Rams

Rich Gannon, the loose cannon

It's Wednesday night, so you all know what that means! That's right, a regulated NFL game between two teams featuring rosters 20 years old. Also, it means that your dear writer is about chin deep in "what-have-I-got-myself-into"-ness. But you should feel blessed; while the rest of the world pretends to root for one irrelevant college team versus another irrelevant college team during bowl season, you get to see two teams duke it out in proper 8-bit fashion. Tonight, the 12-2 Minnesota Vikings travel to the west coast to jam their purple shoes into the throats of the 8-6 Los Angeles Rams. With a loss, the Rams will hand over the division to the 49ers and exchange their unis for some cabana gear, but with a win, they keep the oxygen pumping through the tanks for a shot at the impossible. While the 49ers are hoping that Minnesota hasn't packed it in already, the fact that the men in purple have locked up home field means that our worlds should most likely be rocked by none other than Mr. Rich Gannon.

1991: When footballs apparently had teeth, or poison

Quarter One
Gaston Green takes the kickoff, and then becomes this week's particular Los Angeles pariah when he fumbles it over to Minnesota at the Rams' 33-yard line. We can't fault him too much, however, as the Vikings gave the Rams about 15 seconds to recover it themselves. I guess it really is about who wants it more.

On the Vikings' first possession, Wade Wilson drops back but overthrows Steve Jordan in the end zone. Wilson passes from the gun on the next play, and flips it to Jordan for a 5-yard gain and a nice round of polite applause from the Rams fans. Rick Fenney takes the carry on third down, but only nets 3 yards to initiate the first Fuad Reveiz sequence of the day. Mr. Automatic is having problems with his clutch, however, and banks the 43-yard attempt off the right upright. The ball is given back to Los Angeles in basically the same field position, minus about a minute and a half.

Gotta love that team blocking

The Rams choose a Curt Warner dash on first down, and Warner Jiffy Pops a few defenders off of him for 2-yard run that turns into a 10-yard gain and a first down. On second down, a purple wave washes over Jim Everett, led by Scott Studwell who drops the Rams' QB for a loss of 9. When Everett's first pass is blocked on its way to Henry Ellard, Los Angeles is suddenly facing a 3rd-and-19 situation. They go with their secret weapon, the man who's personality is so looming that they had to name him after a mid-size metropolitan area, and Cleveland Gary cruises for 31 yards. Two plays later, and Everett finds the Ellard hookup he missed out on before for a 41-yard touchdown.

Los Angeles leads 7-0

Herschel Walker takes his first carry, a kick return, out to the Minnesota 38-yard line. Wilson, who's first name should never be confused with 'Athleticism', scrambles out of a blitz and finds Fenney on the run for a 26-yard pass connection. One play later, and Wilson fools the Rams' 'D' and nobody else with a flea-flicker touchdown connection to Walker to make a game of it.

Score tied 7-7

With just seconds left in the quarter, Gaston Green gets the Rams into good starting position at midfield. Everett scrambles for a five yard gain into Vikings territory, only to flip the field when the quarter comes to a close.

If it weren't for Tecmo, we wouldn't know that Cleveland
Gary was an amputee

Quarter Two
A lateral to Gary, first name Cleveland, only nets 3 more yards, and so the Rams face another precarious third down. Luckily for them, Warner hasn't had his third-down conversion appetite whetted in a while, so he gets the ball and gobbles up ten yards. Gary takes the ball 27 yards on the next play down to the Minnesota 3-yard line, but it takes two more plays before he's finally given the ball back to complete the score.

Los Angeles leads 14-7

Minnesota starts from their own 28-yard line. They quickly add another 50% of that with a 14-yard Hassan Jones reverse, and while the Rams wait for their watches to catch up with real time, Fenney guts it up the middle and then races 48 yards to the Rams' 10-yard line. The Jones reverse is inexplicably called, but it still nets another 6 yards. The final 4 are picked up on the third Jones reverse of the drive, and Jerry Burns is hailed as a cerebral coaching genius for about 0.7 seconds.

Score tied 14-14

With time running out on the half and knowing that the Vikings will be taking the ball directly afterwards, the Rams run three straight carries by Warner and Gary that net 19 yards. With just 24 seconds left, Everett goes for the gold, but overthrows 'Average' Willie Anderson at the 2-yard line. Warner scrambles for 4 yards to get into Mike Lansford territory, who nails it up the middle from 55 yards out. Somewhere Fuad Reveiz is asking for an advance on his weekly stipend.

Los Angeles leads 17-14

Physics were never Lansford's forte

Halftime - Rams 17, Vikings 14

Quarter Three
Walker zig-zags his return all the way to the Rams' 46-yard line to start the second half. Minnesota appears to boldly go for a third consecutive Jones reverse, but the play is predicted wisely by the Rams' 'D' and is blown up for a loss of 6. Back in their own side of the world, Walker takes the ball on a fake reverse for 16 yards and a first down. With that wild success, the Vikings decide to go back to Jones, but he loses 11 and the NFL Rules Committee is seriously thinking about revoking the earlier touchdown. Fenney is finally entrusted with the ball, but only gets 3 of those yards back and now Minnesota faces a 3rd-and-18 situation. A play action pass to Anthony Carter lands somewhere between Carter's hands and a nacho vendor 18 rows up, and Harry Newsome is on to show why he's paid the big bucks.

Doleman only knows 2 words:
BLARRGHH and psychophysicotherapeutics

Chris Doleman takes a Minnesota-sized bite out of Everett on first down, and then spits him out two plays later with another sack on 3rd-and-21. The Rams barely avoid a safety, and immediately punt it back to the Vikings to get Doleman back to his psychological evaluation on the sidelines.

The Vikings start at midfield after a billowing punt from Keith English. After two unsuccessful flea flickers, one of which was dropped by Cris Carter at the Rams 5-yard line, the Vikings face a quick 3rd-and-10 situation. Walker tries his best to earn his $38,000 per carry, but only nets 8 yards and Newsome is on to play 500 with the Rams once again.

Gary runs twice consecutively for 23 yards as the quarter expires with no scores, but with Los Angeles charging.

We still don't know where Tecmo found this screenshot
in their microprocessor

Quarter Four
The mysterious 'M.' Merriweather takes Everett down for another 10 yard loss and his fourth sack of the game. Jim's rage is felt on 3rd-and-15, however, when he keeps Punt-a-mania from forging ahead with a 22-yard connection to 'Fading Health' Willie Anderson. When the play is over and three purple jerseys are peeled off Anderson, the medical staff is on to cart him away. It's a deep cut into the Rams' offensive weaponry, but three plays later his replacement Derrick Faison shows incredible promise with a 45-yard snag that's good for Los Angeles' third touchdown of the game. And according to Stats LLC, it's one of Faison's three career receptions, so pat yourself on the back for getting to bear witness to such a rare and exciting feat.

Los Angeles leads 24-14

Walker fights his way to the Rams 44-yard line, his second return into L.A. territory today. After a wild overthrow of one of the Carters (we weren't paying attention), Wilson goes to Jones, who decides to perform one of his more common duties in actually catching the ball as a wide receiver. Jones zooms down to the Rams' 7-yard line, and two plays later Wilson's scrambling in for a Minnesota touchdown. But down by 3 with just two minutes to go, Fuad Reveiz is finishing witness protection paperwork in the tunnel before he kicks it back to the Rams.

Los Angeles leads 24-21

Gary scoops up the bumbled onside kick from Reveiz, who obviously has other things on his mind, and scoots around to hustle it all the way to the Vikings' 13-yard line. He gets the ball on first down for the inevitable score, and somewhere in South America the kids are getting ready for a Christmas filled with rejected San Francisco division champion shirts--at least for the time being.

Los Angeles leads 31-21

Time runs out on Minnesota's chances for an improbable 13th win, although they'll have a chance next week with about 2 of their starters playing. Cris Carter makes things interesting with two huge catches that get the Vikings to the Rams 6-yard line, but with time expiring, the relevance of this is somewhere between 8th grade trigonometry and flossing with no dentist appointments in the near future.

Final Score: Rams 31, Vikings 21

It was a game that meant everything to one team, and very little to the other. Still, it was a fun, offensive-in-a-good-way contest that showed off two potential playoff teams. We're excited to see what kind of damage Cleveland Gary can cause in the postseason if the Rams continue to roll, while we think the Rick Fenney factor is inversely proportional to Minnesota's own success on their march to the Tecmo Bowl. We're still not sure why the Vikings are the number one team this year, with two of their 8 plays consisting of a reverse and flea flicker that should doom them to Phoenix Cardinals island, but they've found a way to win which is the most important thing in Tecmo's NFL. Minnesota gets another team hungry for a shot in the playoffs with Green Bay next week, while Los Angeles has their own hands full with Seattle looking to not lose the AFC West championship. We know they're hoping for a quick return to 'Fast' status for Willie Anderson, otherwise the Rams are heading into shaky ground with their entire season on the line.

Week Sixteen: Jumping the Wall

There's usually a lot to be said about teams that make it this far into the season and still have a glimmer of hope. No so much anymore; with only four teams clinching playoff berths, there's still a total of 15 more looking to join the party. Week 16 usually proves to be the wall that most of these teams hit and wind up sliding back down in defeat, with only a few leaping over to look forward to Week 17 glory.

1:00 Games

N.Y. Jets (4-10) at New England (3-11)

The Jets survive another game to stay ahead of New England in the junior varsity class of the AFC East. Ken O.Brien was the silent warrior, with only 105 passing yards, but his zero picks to Steve Grogan's 2 explain the small margin with which they won. John Stephens tried his best to keep his Pats in it with 11 rushes for 139 yards, but naturally New England's proclivity for putrid play makes me want to both vomit and write alliterations.

Final Score: Jets 17, Patriots 13

Green Bay (7-6-1) at Detroit (4-10)

Don Majkowski did his best to knock his own team out of the playoff hunt with 3 interceptions, but his brilliance was too hard to hold down. He threw for 240 yards, 167 of them to Sterling Sharpe, while Chris Jacke booted a late field goal to wreck a nice day for Barry Sanders, who had 132 yards on just 7 runs. We like the Packers to go far if they can get in, but if they can't, we'll try to be at least 100 miles away from Bob Nelson at all times.

Final Score: Packers 20, Lions 17

N.Y. Giants (10-4) at Washington (8-6)

The Redskins win a huge late-season divisional battle at home behind Earnest Byner's 90 rushing yards and Mark Rypien's standard perfect passing day. The Giants' offense was stifled with a combined 229 total combined yards, but the fact that they still scored 21 points has the rest of the division cowering under their security blankets. Washington takes a huge leap in the playoff wild card race, and can clinch a spot with an Eagles loss.

Final Score: Redskins 28, Giants 21

Pittsburgh (5-9) at Cincinnati (7-7)

Although most of us had our hands on the Bengals' life support, they just continue winning. They make fools of Pittsburgh in this one, with Boomer Esiason and Eddie Brown providing a one-two punch to keep the Steelers reeling. Depending on what happens the rest of the afternoon, the Bengals could be facing a clinching scenario next week against New England. Usually when we see 'Bengals' and 'clinching' together, it's in regards to a certain bodily function, and not playoff positioning.

Final Score: Bengals 24, Steelers 3

Another sunny day in Phoenix, and Denver's still frozen

Denver (8-6) at Phoenix (1-13)

Well, it happened. We knew that talent like Timm Rosenbach and Johnny Johnson couldn't be held to just one win, and they get their second here in a big way. Denver picked the wrong time to throw away a win to a non-contending team, as they may now be forced to back their way into the playoffs. Unfortunately, using the back door anywhere in Colorado usually leads to things that cannot be unseen.

Final Score: Cardinals 30, Broncos 21

Dallas (6-8) at Philadelphia (8-6)

The Cowboys lose what meager hopes they had for a spot in the playoffs at the expense of a divisional foe moving one step closer. The Eagles win here, setting up what may be the game of the week next week when they take on Washington for a wild card spot or, if something incredibly wild happens with the Giants, a division title. QB Eagles was brilliantly perfect with 237 yards and 0 picks, while Keith Byars had 146 all-purpose yards, and we think Philly may suddenly be one of the scarier teams going into the final week.

Final Score: Eagles 38, Cowboys 23

Which basically means he needs a new microcontroller

Kansas City (5-9) at San Francisco (10-4)

The Chiefs pull off what many teams much better than them couldn't do, and that was to halt the San Francisco 49ers in their tracks after a 9-game win streak. They went up by 17 points, only to have the 49ers come back to tie after Barry Word went out. But by returning the favor in knocking Roger Craig out, along with a late field goal by Nick 'The Kick' Lowery, the Chiefs followed through on their promise to do something worth their inclusion in this year's NFL season. The 49ers' run to another division title is stalled for the time being.

Final Score: Chiefs 20, 49ers 17

Miami (9-5) at San Diego (9-5)

The Dolphins clinch a wild card spot with the win here, but more importantly they keep the AFC West from being a watchable division by holding off the Chargers' championship party. Dan Marino threw for 232 yards, while Billy Joe only had 147 and 2 picks. At one point, the game was 29-0 in the fourth quarter, until the entire Miami team, coaching staff, trainers and water boys all went to Six Flags. And San Diego could still only muster 21 points after that.

Final Score: Dolphins 29, Chargers 21

L.A. Raiders (7-7) at New Orleans (6-8)

The Saints are out of it with the NFC East sweeps, but still manage to beat up on a punchless team in the Los Angeles Raiders. With still very much to play for, the Raiders instead send out their surly half and can't do enough to keep New Orleans from scoring the late touchdown to win. Steve Walsh had a 75% completion rate with 209 yards and 0 interceptions, and we're suddenly believers in a reality television show called QB swap, in which Walsh finally brings the Tecmo Raiders to a Super Bowl appearance.

Final Score: Saints 31, Raiders 24

4:00 Games

Seattle (8-6) at Atlanta (5-9)

The Seahawks take advantage of the San Diego loss to pull into a first-place tie heading into Week 17 with a huge 14-point comeback in the 4th quarter. Atlanta led in all major offensive categories, with 101 rushing yards and Miller tossing up 210 yards with a 78% completion rate, but Seattle still leads in weird programming glitches that allows them to always be the instigator in the AFC West dogfight each year.

Final Score: Seahawks 24, Falcons 21

Levy caught without his Bills sweater on Championship Day?

Indianapolis (5-9) at Buffalo (10-3-1)

The Bills already nabbed the bye week with the San Diego loss, but with the formulaic win here against Indy they also steal the division championship from Miami. After trailing the Dolphins for much of the year, Buffalo has gotten hot at the right time with QB Bills tossing 240 yards and Thurman Thomas rushing for a robust 10 yards per carry. Just as we were about to say it, we noticed that another round of 'F*** the Bills' t-shirts were being printed for the 15,000th time since Tecmo's release.

Final Score: Bills 35, Colts 10

Tampa Bay (6-8) at Chicago (7-7)

Probably too little, too late, the Bears take care of business at home against a tough Tampa Bay squad, as Neal Anderson ran up and down for 132 yards on 13 carries while also finding time to pull in 161 receiving yards on 7 grabs. While we know any team would hate to see Anderson in the playoffs, they need about 90% of the NFC to lose next week to back in, and that's even with the Fridge leading the charge.

Final Score: Bears 31, Buccaneers 10

Houston (11-3) at Cleveland (6-8)

The Oilers take one step closer to clinching home field with this divisional win against Cleveland. Although the Oilers' defensive star shone brightly with 3 picks of QB Browns, it appears Warren Moon has gotten himself polished up nicely for the postseason with 413 passing yards and 0 picks. Houston has had a quietly dominant season, but we're looking forward to seeing what they can do against teams that aren't sucky enough to push away even pixellated Tecmo fans from their stadium.

Final Score: Oilers 45, Browns 21

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So it appears those candy canes were more potent than I thought, and I somehow woke up mid-week after the post-Christmas festivities that mostly included sugar cookies and Old Milwaukee. Therefore, we have a rare Wednesday night football contest leading up to Week 17 between the Minnesota Vikings and Los Angeles Rams. Will we see the Vikings roll to another win after clinching the all-important home field advantage in the playoffs? Or will we see the Rams take advantage of a huge 49ers loss and pull within one game with one to go? The Rams lost control of the race mid-way through the season, but could come back in a big way with a win at home against the league-best Vikings. Although we heard the Vikings were tough, we also heard Wade Wilson mistake Jim Everett for a star female tennis player, which doesn't bode well for them or their tables covered in Gatorade cups.

Looking Ahead: Week Sixteen

While you've been busy making lists and checking it twice, we're out to find out who's going to be naughty and nice as this triumphant Tecmo Bowl season draws to a close. In the naughty column are a few teams that seem to enjoy being trampled upon each week as if they have some Freudian urge to be spanked, along with some underachieving teams that started with so much promise and then got sidetracked by a pretty cheerleader along the way. On the nice list are teams ready to clinch this week, so hopefully we'll see some good ol' slobberknockers; otherwise, this may end up like Christmas of '95 when you unwrapped your cousin's used Sega Saturn.

D.C. never forgets.

We begin the afternoon by unwrapping the biggest gift first when New York travels to the nation's capital to hold off the Redskins and claim a division crown, something that many early season prognosticators thought would elude them after a 1-4 start. It'll be two stud quarterbacks, two hard-running halfbacks, and two of the toughest defenses in the league. I'm starting to regret chugging that last half-gallon of egg-nog, for I'm ready to barf with excitement!

Who would have thunk that the Bengals would still be in the picture in Week 16? We're thinking not even the wise Boomer Esiason, until their pivotal win against Miami last week. They welcome Pittsburgh to town with the hopes of moving ahead in the pack and fight for a wild card spot in the end. The Bengals made short work of Pittsburgh in Week 11 during Monday Night Football, but with a chance to end their divisional foes' run to the postseason, you can bet Bubby and the gang will be ready to yank on the ol' choke collar around Boomer's neck.

The afternoon winds down with Miami and San Diego feasting on each other. They're two teams destined for the playoffs, but how they get there and where they wind up may be determined by this late-season battle. The Dolphins travel cross-country to the hostile Jack Murphy Stadium on a three-game skid, trying to turn things around to gain some momentum. Meanwhile, the Chargers, behind enigmatic QB B.J. Tolliver, will hope to continue rolling to an improbable division title in the AFC West and close out one of the more exciting races of the year.

Mrs. Muster's Baby Boy

The late afternoon doesn't provide much hype, although two AFC West teams in Seattle and Los Angeles may be fighting for their playoff lives depending on what happens earlier in the day. Perhaps the most intriguing match-up will be Tampa Bay visiting Chicago, where the Bears hope to steal a wild card position from Green Bay. Tampa Bay has won some big games this year, and although they're on their way out they could shock the Monsters of the Midway with a big upset win. Chicago has had an up-and-down season all year, either winning games so dominantly they seemed unstoppable, or putting up numbers even Ken O.Brien couldn't stifle a laugh at. The Buccaneers are far from a solid team, but have been on upset patrol all year. Unfortunately, they'll be playing a late-season Brad Muster, who has more than postseason glory to fight for this year.

And finally, in what we're sad to say is our last Monday Night game of the year (yeah right), the surprise of this year's The Tecmo Bowl season, the 12-2 Minnesota Vikings, travel to the bright lights of Los Angeles with a chance to gain a first-week bye by wiping out the fading Rams' playoff hopes. L.A. started strong behind the sorcerer of the Tecmo world, Jim Everett, and a strong defense, but since then have watched their perennial bully, San Francisco, pass them up and put a Roddy Piper-magnitude sleeperhold on the NFC West. The Vikings don't possess many strong features, which is why they're such an out-of-nowhere pick for No.1 seed in the NFC, but what they do have is a strong safety that they keep chained in the basement each week, withheld of any food or substantial water, and eyes pinned open to watch doctored footage of the next week's quarterback pushing his mother over and laughing. And that man's name is Joey Browner.

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AFC
1. *Houston (11-3)
2. Buffalo (10-3-1)
3. San Diego (9-5)

Wild Card
4. Miami (9-5)
5. Seattle (8-6)
6. Denver (8-6)

On the Bubble
L.A. Raiders (7-7)
Cincinnati (7-7)

Cleveland (6-8)

Playoff Scenarios:

AFC East
Bills clinch division and 1st round bye with win OR Dolphins loss

Dolphins clinch playoff spot with win

AFC Central

Oilers clinch 1st round bye with win OR Dolphins loss

AFC West

Chargers clinch playoff spot with win

Chargers clinch division with win AND Seahawks AND Broncos loss

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NFC

1. *Minnesota (12-2)

2. ^N.Y. Giants (10-4)
3. ^San Francisco (10-4)

Wild Card
4. Washington (8-6)
5. L.A. Rams (8-6)

6. Philadelphia (8-6)

On the Bubble
  Green Bay (7-6-1)

Chicago (7-7)
Tampa Bay (6-8)
Dallas (6-8)

Playoff Scenarios:

NFC East
Giants clinch division with win OR Redskins AND Eagles loss

NFC Central

Vikings clinch 1st-round bye with win OR Giants AND 49ers loss

NFC West

49ers clinch division with win OR L.A. Rams loss

 
^ - Playoff Berth

* - Division Champion

** - 1st Round Bye

*** - Home field throughout

Monday Night Football: Buffalo vs L.A. Raiders

Also a great combo: french fries and mayonnaise

Thought we'd forgotten about you sixteen Buffalo Bills fans out there, eh? Yes, it's been a while since we put the Bills in our spotlight, and during that time they've flown under the radar into prime positioning in the AFC. Out on the west coast, Los Angeles has done their best to muddle up their division, even as Jay Schroeder continues giving his coaches aneurysms. The Raiders play host to the surging Bills, and even with the playoff implications involved it still looks like a one-sided affair on paper. Hopefully L.A. will keep Bo and Marcus enticed long enough with endorsements and book deals that they'll actually bust through the porous Buffalo defense for an upset win at home.

Casualty No. 3662 in the Bills-Reed murder rampage

Quarter One
Just as we start to consider giving the Bills the benefit of Japanese programming-induced doubt, they go ahead and win the coin toss, those shitbricks. Anyway, things start looking up for Los Angeles right away as they're able to actually bat away a pass to James Lofton and stonewall Thurman Thomas for no gain on second down. On third down, or what Buffalo calls "second-and-a-half" down, QB Bills avoids an all-out Raiders blitz and finds Andre Reed at the Los Angeles 37-yard line. Two plays later, he connects with Reed again, whose souped-up skills cause his defender to freeze and fall down, letting Reed waltz into the end zone for a score.

Buffalo leads 7-0

From their own 29-yard line, the Raiders go with the popular "keep the ball the fuck away from Jay Schroeder" play by handing it to Marcus Allen, who bobs and weaves for 17 yards. They follow this up with the far less popular "meh, what's the worst that could happen?" play by letting Schroeder lob it up to two Buffalo defenders--the only two defenders that have ever simultaneously intercepted a ball in Tecmo history, at least to my knowledge.

On the Bills next drive, they start conservative with a Jamie Mueller run for one yard. Once again, Lofton is denied participation in Buffalo's skullduggery, and so on 3rd-and-9 he goes for skullfuckery instead with a reception up the middle for 22 yards. One play later, Bills finds Reed wide open in the end zone for some reason, and Buffalo's only up by two touchdowns on two possessions.

Buffalo leads 14-0

Los Angeles gets another shot from their own 36. Schroeder drops back to pass, but smartly turns it into a run play instead when he dumps it off to Allen, who's able to hustle it out 30 yards to the Buffalo 34-yard line. A wave of Buffalo washes over Schroeder on the next play, dropping him back 9 yards, but Allen makes that up and more with a 25-yard run to the Buffalo 18-yard line as the quarter expires.

Despite his absence, this play was all-Schroeder

Quarter Two
In a play that can only be described as "average for a normal NFL offense", Schroeder threads the football up the middle to Allen of all people for an 18-yard touchdown reception.

Buffalo leads 14-7

Mississippi State's own Don Smith is injured on the run-back for Buffalo, bringing Kenneth Davis off his all-important "towel and Gatorade" duty as the new returner. Buffalo runs a rare three-and-out play sequence, and I nearly missed it during my undressing-with-the-eyes of that cheerleader on the 35-yard line.

Tim Brown returns the punted football to the Raiders' 20-yard line, a good spot to set up the soap box derby car that is Marcus Allen. He races down field on the first two plays for 15 yards, but Coach Art Shell quickly puts on the brakes before he catches flames, and sends his quarterback some passing signals. The first one is a failed pass to Mervyn Fernandez, while the next two don't even get off the ground when Schroeder loses yardage on two sacks.

Buffalo makes things interesting with a nearly blocked punt of USFL heartthrob Jeff Gossett. Al Edwards returns the punt to the Buffalo 13-yard line with about a minute and a half to go in the quarter. Thurman Thomas does his best Jamie Mueller impression with a 5-yard run that takes up about 30 seconds as he bops a few defenders, while Mueller does his best QB Bills impression by cowering from the onslaught of silver and black headed his way. On 3rd-and-6, Thomas picks up the first down, but now there's just under a minute to go. The Raiders taste the upper eastern-seaboard blood in the water, and take charge with two straight blitzes. The second one is blown up, however, when Bills rocket launches the ball to a wide-open Thomas, who choo-choos his way down to the Los Angeles 16-yard line. With just 8 seconds left, the Bills open the gate from which Scott Norton bursts forth. Just 8 seconds later, however, something else on Norton bursts forth when his kick shanks off the right upright and Buffalo is denied a 10-point lead at the half.

Anyone else notice 'NORWOOD' is just two letters away from 'NO GOOD'?

Halftime - Bills 14, Raiders 7

Quarter Three
The Raiders get another opportunity with the kickoff, and Brown sets his team up at the 38-yard line. Marcus Allen continues to bear the load with 20 yards on two more carries. Luckily Schroeder lifts the heavy weight off of his shoulders when his pass to Willie Gault is easily picked off around the Buffalo 25-yard line.

QB Bills unpackages his gift possession with a sloppy out-of-bounds throw, followed by an 11-yard loss from a Scott Davis sack. On 3rd-and-21, Howie Long plunges his square jaw into Bills' midsection, dropping him for another 10-yards. Rick Tuten is on to punt from 5 yards inside his own end zone, and due to the help of some Kentucky Bourbon and PEDs, he's able to rack the punt for 85 yards.

How Allen made white rubber dishwashing gloves famous

From their own 37-yard line, Schroeder hitches his team up to his rotting apple cart as he throws a pass to some Japanese photogs on the sideline. He makes up for it with a 12-yard run to midfield for the first down, however, a good time to unleash Ro-Bo Jackson, who'd apparently been encountering some prior technical difficulties. Jackson takes his first carry 43 yards down to the Buffalo 7-yard line, but like a Motorola cell phone battery immediately needs to be recharged. Schroeder drops back to pass, and with four receivers open he opts for that one dude with the spikes coming out of his neck in the second row. On second down, Allen is served up the ball, and he runs it in for his second touchdown of the day.

Score tied 14-14

Doesn't L.A. know there's no kneeling in Tecmo?

The third of four quarters slowly and lazily winds down with Buffalo taking possession of the football and immediately scoring on a 72-catch and run play from Bills to Reed. Although I just wrote this sentence, I swear I am not into rape or torture. Just a little harmless BDSM.

Buffalo leads 21-14

Quarter Four
With an entire five minutes at their disposal, Coach Shell sends out his best personification of said disposal with Schroeder scrambling and getting sacked twice in a row. Marcus Allen bails him out with a run up the middle to the 50-yard line, racking up some fool-making commission along the way. The drive stalls with another batted away pass to Fernandez and a run from Bo Jackson that can't burst around the edge. Facing 3rd-and-8, Fernandez finally makes his own play happen when he runs back to an underthrown Schroeder pass and then proceeds to miraculously jog down to the Buffalo 9-yard line. One play later, and Jackson is in on the party with a run up the middle to paydirt.

Score tied 21-21

The Buffalo Bills being butthole bastards. Alliteration!

With a robust 2:22 remaining and Buffalo at prime starting position at their own-42, the world is Bills' oyster and he's ready to make some crab cakes. Los Angeles brings the monster blitz on two straight plays, which works out nicely in their favor as Buffalo suddenly faces a strange 3rd-and-10 play. With two minutes to go, Bills' pass to Lofton is handily broken up, and the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum lets out a breath of sewage-infested air when there's not a flag in sight. Of course, Buffalo opts for a fourth down play with more than a minute and a half to go. Bills goes to his go-to guy in Reed, and I'll tell you, if I ever find out who that corner is that keeps falling down, I'm going to buy him a new pair of Reeboks gosh darn it! Reed trucks it out to the Los Angeles 8-yard line, where the Raiders surprisingly stand solid on the next set of downs, despite giving up more than a minute. Norwood sneaks out of the pen and boots it in from 21 yards out, but the only one calling him a hero is his new pair of underpants.

Buffalo leads 24-21

With just 22 seconds remaining, the Raiders go for the sure thing and use up the Allen up-the-middle run. It's make or break time for Allen, and he breaks the hearts of true-blue Tecmoers everywhere when he runs into his own line for no gain. One play later, and Schroeder's pass to Jackson near mid-field is batted away as the clock winds down on another bull shit win by the Bills.

Final Score: Bills 24, Raiders 21

I promised myself to be fair and impartial in my retelling of this epic contest, but even I am not worthy of holding up promises to when it comes to Buffalo's vanquishing of teams that are admittedly inferior but would otherwise be infinitely more exciting to see in the postseason. We can take some solace in the fact that if Andre Reed were removed from the equation today, the Raiders would be paving their way to a rare position in the AFC playoffs. Unfortunately, just like the setting sun or your boss' condescending glare, Reed will always be there pulling down impossible passes from QB Bills and making defenders fall down in their own stupid intimidation. Los Angeles has made it interesting with their midseason surge, and if they can keep up efforts like Allen's, we may still see them after all in the next few weeks. Meanwhile, if Buffalo broke off and was claimed by Canada, I wouldn't mind if we also threw in some Cold Stone ice cream to sweeten the deal.

 

Week Fifteen: The Lost Weekend

What more can be said about week fifteen other than it seems to be like the lost weekend before Christmas: it's often overlooked and can sneak up on you faster than Wayne Haddix's sonar. This year seems to be a bit different, however, as in our most recent The Tecmo Bowl season we only have two division champions, those also being the only teams guaranteed playoff berths right now. That will all hopefully change after this week, when the deck is shuffled, dropped on the floor and only Pat Beach is left picking up the cards. Let's peer into the looking glass to see which of those cards Beach didn't slip back into his trousers.

 

1:00 Games

Green Bay (6-6-1) at Chicago (7-6)

Chicago drops back to .500 and will have to continue fighting all the way to the end to stay in the playoffs. To their credit, they held the Packers to only 12 yards rushing, but were ransacked by Mr. Majkowski through the air for 323 yards and a few touchdowns to bring him back to relevancy. Harbaugh was downright stinky, and if the Bears have any decency they'll keep these kinds of stats out of the playoffs altogether. Unfortunately that'd also mean a Brad Muster-less postseason, which I've heard is akin to a New Year's Eve party where everyone fell asleep at 10 P.M.

Final Score: Packers 27, Bears 7

Tampa Bay (6-7) at Minnesota (11-2)

The Vikings use their late-season bye to bounce back from an embarrassing loss to Detroit and stomp all over Tampa Bay, ultimately booting them from the playoff party. Wade Wilson was an efficient 60% for 210 yards and no picks, while Rick Fenney led the rushing attack with 78 yards. Anthony Carter had a robust 102 yards receiving on only 2 receptions, and all of a sudden the Vikings aren't only scary for Al Noga's fashion.

Final Score: Vikings 27, Buccaneers 13

The enigmatic auto-play scoreboard

Miami (9-4) at Cincinnati (6-7)

Boomer's Bengals climb back onto the bubble in the AFC with a huge upset win of the Dolphins behind a near perfect game from Esiason and James Brooks, who had 103 yards rushing on the ground. Dan Marino was stellar as well with 325 yards through the air, but he couldn't keep his team from dropping precariously backwards in the AFC East race. With the Phins acting perhaps as the rabbit, we can finally see why everyone makes all those Jim Kelly/tortoise comparisons.

Final Score: Bengals 42, Dolphins 28

N.Y. Jets (4-9) at Detroit (3-10)
In a game that not even Ken O.Brien's grandmother cared about, the Lions continued clawing into relevance with a big offensive game--and this time we're not talking about Rodney Peete's performance. Peete still had 2 picks, but his 291 yards added on to Barry Sanders' 132 yards rushing had Detroit roaring to their fourth win. Meanwhile, Blair Thomas' meager 40 yards had the Jets roaring into the pavement, running on fumes.

Final Score: Lions 27, Jets 17

Cleveland (5-8) at Denver (8-5)
Jerry Kauric's leg gives the Browns a rare one-up in this strange rivalry, pulling the Broncos out of first place for the time being while also pumping a breath of fresh air in the Browns' unrealistic playoff hopes. QB Browns and John Elway were eerily similar with their 245 yards and 2 picks, and with a combined 145 rushing yards I'm led to believe the late field goal was more of a sigh of relief that the game actually ended.

Final Score: Browns 24, Broncos 21

San Diego (8-5) at Kansas City (5-8)
The Chargers' 14 point comeback in the 4th quarter brought them into first place, despite B.J. Tolliver's clearly hungover 115 passing yards. Luckily for him, Steve DeBerg forgot his orange juice and eggs as well with 155 yards passing, and his two-headed rushing attack couldn't boost him the way Marion Butts' 117 rushing yards put San Diego ahead in the roulette wheel that is the AFC West.

Final Score: Chargers 24, Chiefs 21

That '6' is strangely taking the form of a dagger

Seattle (8-5) at San Francisco (9-4)
The mystery that is the Tecmo Seattle Seahawks almost pulled out a big upset in southern California, but unfortunately for them and everyone else with an ounce of decency the 49ers found a way to pull it out in overtime to win their ninth game in a row. To cap it off, they did it with a touchdown in overtime, taking their level of showboatiness from annoying to eye-gougingly annoying. The usual suspects in Montana, Rice and Rathman accounted for most of the points here, and now the only thing outside of an injury to stop San Francisco may be an asteroid, or my computer shorting out.

Final Score: 49ers 30, Seahawks 24 (OT)

Philadelphia (8-5) at N.Y. Giants (9-4)
After spending most of their season under a cloud of doubt, Phil Simms led his team to another victory to underscore why they may be the conference's only hope of stonewalling San Francisco. Simms was a stellar 80% with 265 yards passing, his weapon of choice being Mark Bavaro who brought down four passes for 135 yards. The bipolar Eagles lose their edge in the wild card race and in continuing QB Eagles' exultation.

Final Score: Giants 35, Eagles 14

How the West was somewhat watchable

Atlanta (5-8) at L.A. Rams (7-6)
Jim Everett returned to form with 75% passing completion and 260 yards, and it was all he could do to keep up with a red-hot Chris Miller, who nailed down an 81% rate and 304 passing yards with no picks. The Rams defense were the heroes, holding up and keeping the hidden weapon in Mike Rozier silent with just 39 yards on the ground. It was a nail-biter, but the Rams keep a flame blowing at the 49ers' heels, even if those heels are made of  full-blasting jet propellers.

Final Score: Rams 35, Falcons 31

4:00 Games

Phoenix (1-12) at Washington (7-6)

Washington played one touchdown better than Phoenix in order to keep their fight for the postseason alive. Mark Rypien was efficient with 222 yards and no picks, while Byner ran around the Phoenix defense for 89 yards on 8 attempts. Johnny Johnson continued to play as a one-man team with 206 all-purpose yards, but unfortunately for him Timm Rosenbach out-played him as ten horrible teams.

Final Score: Redskins 35, Cardinals 28

What happens when you leave COM teams unwatched

Dallas (6-7) at New Orleans (5-8)

Nothing much could be expected from a 14-7 contest, but this one puts high school girls' basketball to shame. If not for a late score by New Orleans to pull out the win, it may have gone forever behind Emmitt Smith's 13 rushing yards, Steve Walsh's 68 passing yards and a total of 8 first downs. Unfortunately, it didn't go on forever, which means we'll have to see these two teams play again some time in the near future.

Final Score: Saints 14, Cowboys 7

Pittsburgh (5-8) at Houston (10-3)

The Steelers made things interesting, but couldn't pull Houston out of a first-place seed. Bubby Brister out-threw Warren Moon with 205 yards to 171, but his 3 throws to the other team is what sealed the deal for the Oil-men. Houston is making the chase to home field in the playoffs, and barring their appeal to playing the Steelers twice more, they may still have to start Lorenzo White in the final two weeks.

Final Score: Oilers 21, Steelers 14

New England (2-11) at Indianapolis (5-8)

With the loss, the Colts won't complete a surprising .500 season. With the win, the Patriots can still pull off a shot at not being the most terrible Tecmo team. Albert Bentley played his heart out with 109 rushing yards on 11 attempts, but John Stephens ripped it out with 129 yards of his own. Steve Grogan and Jeff George combined for 251 passing yards, setting back the argument for hybrid efficiency at least 10 years.

Final Score: Patriots 28, Colts 13

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At long last, Buffalo returns to the featured game spotlight in charge of their own destiny. After losing their week one battle to Miami, and tripping up a few times afterward, they regained their footing and could be in the hunt for a first-round bye. They'll travel cross-country to the bright lights of Los Angeles, however, to battle a Raiders team that nobody who knows Bo thought would still be in the hunt. With a win, the Raiders would not only jump into an improbable wild card battle, but would also snuff out any sense of entitlement the Bills may have built up over the past few weeks. It'll be a military battle of air versus ground, with QB Bills and Andre Reed up against Bo Jackson and Marcus Allen. If this site made any money, I'd put it all on Mr. Bills--unless Howie Long gets to him early and caves in his chest with a wall of hair.

Wears 'L.A. Raider' on his heart, and L.A. Looks in his hair

New Orleans vs. San Francisco + Week Fifteen Preview

Well, it took until Week 14 but it happened: the train derailed. Be not afraid: although your medium has failed you, the Tecmo season has continued on at a torrid pace by itself. We're back on track now, but due to the fact that Week 15 is only right around the corner I have the unfortunate task of letting you know that the regularly scheduled Week 14 Monday Night game between New Orleans and San Francisco will have to be abbreviated and mashed together with Week 15's Looking Ahead feature. I can only hope that someday you'll find it in your Gil Fenerty-filled heart to forgive me.

It took me about five minutes to reacquaint with this name

Quarter One
New Orleans began the game with the ball, and it started fast and furious with Dalton Hilliard and Craig Heyward running the Saints' first five plays for a total of 6 yards (including a 12-yard first down run, negated in just two plays). On the sixth play of the drive, Steve Walsh finally put his highly-paid arm to work, but bounced the ball off of three 49ers defenders while Eric Martin was doing jumping jacks along the sideline.

San Francisco took over at their own 29-yard line, and after two ridiculous throws to Rice that still baffle the most seasoned of Tecmo veterans, the 49ers were threatening at the New Orleans' 32-yard line. The 19th-ranked run defense then showed their mettle when they stuffed Rathman and Craig on three straight plays, forcing a rare appearance of Mike Cofer on 4th down to nail it between the uprights for the first score of this contest.

San Francisco leads 3-0

The Saints went three-and-out on the next drive to nobody and Craig Heyward's surprise, including a strange blitz of Heyward on 3rd-and-8.

See it here first: Montana in a heap as a distorted mass

Just as this game seemed to be hurtling out of control for the Ragin' Cajuns, Vaughan Johnson dropped Joe Montana for a loss of 8, while on the next play Gene Atkins picked him off for just the ninth time this season as the quarter came ticking away to an end.

Quarter Two
In only the first few seconds of the new quarter's life, Walsh found Martin in the back of the end zone from about 18 yards out to complete his first pass and in turn give New Orleans their first lead of the game.

New Orleans leads 7-3

Some Saints players go for the "play dead" defense

Starting at their own 44-yard line, which just also happens to be Saints' territory for Montana, the 49ers went with a heavy serving of Tom Rathman with a dessert of hot buttered Saint-popcorn. Accounting for the first 47 yards of the drive, Rathman was passed up for an easy lob to Rice in the end zone to put San Francisco up faster than Bubba Paris can put down a row of pints.

San Francisco leads 10-7

The next Saints drive began with Gil Fenerty injuring something, and the ominous music that accompanied his carting off the field suddenly also acted as a portent of doom for the remainder of the game. But just as Coach Jim Mora was phoning the funeral home to carve up another tombstone for the season, Hilliard blew by eleven 49ers' defenders for 31 yards. One play later, Walsh found Martin wide open in the end zone for their second touchdown connection, and in case you were wondering if this game was real or Tecmoized: Walsh was 2-for-3 with 2 touchdowns.

New Orleans leads 14-10

With 1:37 left in the half, the Saints' coaches were beginning to update their resumes knowing they left too much time for a George Siefert-led West Coast offense.For their sake, Montana was humane enough not to tease the Saints when he lobbed the football over the hands of a Saints' cornerback into the protective arms of John Taylor at the New Orleans' 13-yard line. One play later, Montana found Brent Jones, one of 8 eligible receivers, in the end zone.

If only the carrier pigeon hadn't stolen his attention

San Francisco leads 17-14

The half ended with Morten Anderson taking his chances from 56-yards out: unfortunately his kick went wider left than James Carville in a marijuana dispensary.

Halftime - 49ers 17, Saints 14

Quarter Three
The only thing worse for the Saints than San Francisco taking possession to start the half was the fact that Tom Rathman was fed a heaping bowl of children in the locker room. He carried the 49ers to the New Orleans 39-yard line, but the Saints came up big with a 3rd-and-3 stop of Roger Craig. Mike Cofer came on to convert his second field goal of the game.

San Francisco leads 20-14

Rueben Mayes continued his strong start of replacing Fenerty with his second return into San Francisco territory. Unfortunately, his team fumbled the baton-handoff when they were forced to go for it on 4th and 5 from the 43-yard line and still lost an extra two yards.

The bad news: No torqued elbow on this spike

The 49ers started the drive showing signs of mortality when a pass to Rice was batted away by just ONE (1) defender. Apparently Montana was so frightened of this prospect that he handed the ball off on the next six plays to Craig and Rathman, which still got the Niners out to the New Orleans' 5-yard line. After being out on the field for most of the quarter, the once-stout Saints' defense gave up a Montana sneak for a touchdown, corresponding with the selling out of paper bags at the Breaux Mart.

San Francisco leads 27-14

The quarter came to an end on a cliffhanging 3rd-and-9 play looming for New Orleans.

Quarter Four
In just a matter of a flip of the field, the Saints' fans were able to shove their hearts back into their empty cavities when Heyward pulled in a miraculous catch for 16 yards. Brent Perriman followed that up with a beautiful reception in coverage at the San Francisco 9-yard line. Unfortunately all too soon, however, the Saints were facing 3rd-and-goal at the 11-yard line, and when Heyward couldn't keep from stepping on his own shoelaces at the 2-yard line, Anderson came out to punch it in despite being down by 13 in the fourth quarter.

San Francisco leads 27-17

When New Orleans' attempt at an onside kick had about as much success as a 16-year old girl coming back from Bourbon Street with her innocence, the 49ers started driving, and driving hard. There was a quick interlude when Taylor fumbled a reception at the New Orleans' 18-yard line, but when Toi Cook kicked it back to his waiting hands, the 49ers got another chance to convert. And did they? If you guessed "no", then I'll assume you pump gas in New Jersey for a living.

San Francisco led 34-17

I've already spent too much time on this, so I'll get to the point: New Orleans got down near the 49ers' end zone, ran two failed flea flickers as time expired, my dog puked on my shoe and I'm not going to clean it up until tomorrow.

Final Score: 49ers 34, Saints 17

If you've already read this far down, then my condolences are with you. If you stopped in the second quarter, however, you might have thought this was going to finish out in pretty exciting fashion. Unfortunately, it didn't, and unfortunately in losing the Saints not only fell out of the playoff hunt but also ruined it for about 15 other NFC teams. Walsh played his valiant self, pretty much outdoing Montana for the second time this season, but when Dalton Hilliard isn't fit to button up Tom Rathman's crotchless chaps, you'd have to be a fool to think this wasn't one of those David/Goliath stories that ended with David getting a slingshot surgically removed from his ass.

*************************************************************************************** 
Now that that's overwith, we can get on to the task at hand: looking ahead to the crucial third-to-last week in this marathon of hell. Our calves are tight, our throats are dry and cottonmouthed and caked in three-miles-ago vomit, and our heads are simultaneously pounding and lighter than the fifteen-year-old boys staying late in the locker room to huff empty whipped cream canisters. Houston and Minnesota have clinched, and in light of events just witnessed, at least one other team has a chance to move one level closer to saving the princess, er, winning the highly-coveted Tecmo Bowl. Let's see what's in store for us on the XVth edition of Looking Ahead!

The week comes charging out of the gate with a pretty stinkin' big divisional match-up between Chicago and Green Bay. The Packers beat Chicago in their first battle in Week 8, but since then have only won once more, opening the door for the Bears to take over in the wild card battle. A victory for Chicago will go a long way in deciding a postseason berth, but you can bet that the cheeseheads have saved all their quarters to use on Bob Nelson in this late-season contest.

Enter into evidence: The last person
to ever mess with Chuck Knox

Cincinnati is on life support, and will have to pull off a huge upset at home to pull even and stay sniffing the playoffs instead of Marc Logan's jock. Miami needs to get back on track, and luckily for them they're back in the AFC where they've been dominant all season. Elsewhere, three straight games featuring AFC West teams will take place, with all three of the teams being the ones tied for first place at 8-5. It's possible they'll still be in the same traffic jam of south California proportions since they don't face off head-to-head; however, somewhere we think Chuck Knox is chain smoking after drawing the short straw in favored match-ups.

The New York Football Giants could lose their one-week lead in first if they drop a home game against the Eagles, a team they lost to by a missed PAT in Week 10, while the less-competitive NFC West is showcased with the Rams fighting to get back into a playoff-field they were streaking towards earlier in the season. Los Angeles won the first meeting, but the Falcons are playing spoiler patrol as of late, and there'd be no bigger spoiler than pulling the Rams into the quicksand as a red-and-gold sun sets behind the horizon line.

Eat your heart out, 2011 Indianapolis Colts!

Two NFC East teams in contention start off the late afternoon, with the Redskins playing the last remaining one-win team in Phoenix at home while Dallas tries to right the ship against the deflated New Orleans Saints. The afternoon ends with everyone who's ever played as New England or Indianapolis' favorite Week 15 game, New England vs. Indianapolis. It's a paradoxical guaranteed win for either team, but with the Colts chasing a rare .500 season you can bet that Albert Bentley's ready to show why he's the original Beast Mode.

Monday Night brings us back to the city where dreams are made, Los Angeles, where the Raiders will hope to continue making their postseason dreams come true. It's been a blue moon since a lot of us have seen Bo Jackson play into Spring Training, and they could do it with a highly convincing win over the Buffalo Bills. However, before we lose that jade sheen, we must remember that this is late-season Buffalo Bills, where the only thing that can stop Jamie Mueller is his own selfish desire for caving in chests. The Bills took over first place in the AFC East after letting the Dolphins coast all season, and the only way they'll give it back is if Mueller is given a chew toy to bury at the forty-yard line.

WOOF WOOF SNARL....*squeak*

***************************************************************************************

AFC
1. *Houston (10-3)
2. Buffalo (9-3-1)
3. Seattle (8-5)

Wild Card
4. Dolphins (9-4)
5. Broncos (8-5)
6. Chargers (8-5)

On the Bubble
L.A. Raiders (7-6)
Cincinnati (6-7)

Playoff Scenarios:

AFC East
None

AFC Central

None

AFC West

None

***************************************************************************************

NFC

1. *Minnesota (11-2)

2. San Francisco (9-4)
3. N.Y. Giants (9-4)

Wild Card
4. Philadelphia (8-5)
5. Washington (7-6)

6. Chicago (7-6)

On the Bubble
L.A. Rams (7-6)
  Green Bay (6-6-1)
Tampa Bay (6-7)
Dallas (6-7)

Playoff Scenarios:

NFC East
None

NFC Central

Vikings clinch 1st-round bye with 49ers OR Giants loss

NFC West

49ers clinch with win AND L.A. Rams loss

 
* - Division Champion

** - 1st Round Bye

*** - Home field throughout