Here at The Tecmo Bowl, we honor Monday Night Football for its cultural significance and chance for each team to get their own shot on the national stage. Of course, with this blog being on the internet, each game we painstakingly write about is discussed in minute detail for the entire world, so Monday Night Football is really pointless. But we can't deny its inclusion in the heritage of our favorite game, and therefore have gone to great lengths to bring you not one, but two exciting simulations to round out your weekend of football blitzkrieg.
Game One
Pittsburgh (0-0) vs.
Houston (0-0)
The Steelers meet their old nemeses from Houston in the first game of our doubleheader. While there's no bad blood to speak of yet this season, we must all believe that Pittsburgh is ready to right the wrongs of the past few years and plant their flag in the division they once made famous. Houston has had enough time to get over their Tecmo Bowl hangover, but face a tough test in their first game of their Tour de Tecmo Bowl Repeat. How will the Oilers handle their division rival, now led by unnecessarily mean-looking Neil O'Donnell? Let's join the action already in progress (don't worry, all we missed was Mick Jagger gyrating on a Ronald McDonald statue).
Quarter One
Houston takes the field with one notable player MIA: Drew Hill. It's been well documented that the MVP of last season's Tecmo Bowl high-tailed it for greener pastures in Atlanta, so Warren Moon will have to make the best of what he's given. And what he's given is 10th round pick Curtis Duncan, who brings down Moon's first pass in his post-champion career 65 yards from where it was thrown for an Oilers touchdown.
Houston leads 7-0
Neil O'Donnell hunches behind center unfazed by
his counterpart's excellence of execution. He does his best Moon impression with a three-step drop, quick look to the right, and then a bomb down the sideline. He jumps in celebration when it's caught, until he's told by Carlton Haselrig that only Moon should be throwing to the guys in sky blue. The Oilers crash down to earth on their next drive, and after a three-and-out forced by a more recognizable Pittsburgh defense, the Steelers get the ball back. They play it marginally safer on their next drive, with handoffs to Merril Hoge dominating the clock, but end up punting when they stray from the usually successful and always exciting Hoge formula.
Quarter Two
Moon uses the next drive to show off his surgically enhanced legs, of which he bought with the money from his pawned Tecmo Bowl ring, but no amount of cash can pay for the amount of pride Darren Perry's mother felt when he picked Moon off along the sidelines. On the Steelers' next drive, Barry Foster runs 76 yards to the Houston 8-yard line, already surpassing Merril Hoge's best season total. One play later, and Neil O'Donnell's making believers of those who distrust coal factory workers.
Score tied 7-7
The rest of the first half teeters between Moon placing his faith in Lorenzo White's ability to catch things that aren't his own shoelaces and O'Donnell trying to make up for the Brister-less factor in a game involving the Pittsburgh Steelers. Moon hocks up another interception, this time in the end zone, while O'Donnell is trying his best to give it away with two passes to the opposing team's safeties. After Dwight Stone derails O'Donnell's efforts for one play to get the Steelers into scoring position, Neil seals the deal with a toss to Jerry Gray of the Houston Football Oilers and this game's going into the half all knotted up.
Halftime - Steelers 7, Oilers 7
Quarter Three
Pittsburgh comes out of the gates roaring with a Merril Hoge one-yard run, an O'Donnell pass to the two old men with binoculars in the second deck, and a laser pass that sinks itself into the back of Jeff Graham's head. The Oilers answer with an offense that includes the popular fumble recovery by left guard Kevin Donnalley, who quizzically runs for 30 yards to the Pittsburgh 24-yard line. The Steelers' defensive line comes up big with a 3-play stop that forces Al Del Greco to nab his first three points as a passable Tony Zendejas replacement.
Houston leads 10-7
In seasons past, the Bubby Brister-led Steelers would have answered this defeating change of momentum by giving Merril Hoge the ball and telling him to at least not murder anyone with it. This is the year of the 1992 Pittsburgh Steelers, ladies and gentlemen, which means passing a ball to Merril Hoge in the end zone after a 42-yard run by Foster.
Pittsburgh leads 14-10
Quarter Four
Now down by 4 points in the final quarter of play, Moon gets into his feared smack-a-bitch mode. He laces a ball to Duncan and runs the bootleg to get near the Pittsburgh 34-yard line. But if he didn't think Pittsburgh came to make a statement in this sibling rivalry, he was all shades of wrong after two blitzes push him back and an incomplete pass fails to advance them anywhere near Del Greco's range. The missed 50-yard kick has Zendejas sipping on his raspberry iced tea with a smirk and the Pittsburgh Steelers in prime position to put this game away. Jeff Graham is silently becoming O'Donnell's favorite target with a catch and run to the Houston 25-yard line, but when the Oilers shut down the lethal Hoge-Foster tandem, Morten Anderson is called upon to kick the first meaningful field goal of his career.
Pittsburgh leads 17-10
The final 47 seconds of the game end in a haze of sacks by men like Hardy Nickerson and blitzes that force Lorenzo White and Warren Moon to long for their silk-sheeted rotating love nests. The pretty boys from Houston make it exciting in the last 19 seconds when, on a 4th-down play and needing 24 yards, Moon launches a pass to Haywood Jeffires that is caught at the 6-yard line. With no time remaining, Jeffires tries his best to find the end zone, but there's no outrunning Darren Perry when he knows his momma is watching.
Final Score: Steelers 17, Oilers 10
And so Pittsburgh catches the eyes of the nation with their dramatic win over defending champion Houston Oilers. In the process, they take charge over the AFC Central and put notice on the rest of the teams expecting to end Houston's never-ending dominance over the Bible Belt. While there were hardly any glimpses of a championship team in Pittsburgh, they did show that they may be ready to play with the big boys, and once they pass a few more similar tests we may all be rubbing soot on our faces in a solemn show of solidarity.
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Game Two
San Francisco (0-0) vs.
New York Giants (0-0)
Something tells us we've been here before. And like most things seen or tasted multiple times, staleness tends to set in. However, this time the scenarios are a little different. We featured this match-up twice last year, the first was an early-season battle and the second a playoff rout, both won by the 49ers. We're inclined to believe this year won't be any different, but with two such high caliber teams already battling for bragging rights, it's hard to ignore the implications of what a win for either team might mean. For San Francisco, it's another chance to relish in their ridiculous talent, while for New York it's a way to silence their critics of both their football ability and Jeff Hostetler's fashion sense. Let's dig in.
Quarter One
One way to start the season would be to storm down the field and score in quick, impressive fashion. Another way would be to have one of your best players go down to an injury while returning the ball. Dave Meggett did his best in valiantly crossing over into San Francisco territory, but he paid dearly with either a concussion or another injury that makes one's skin color drastically change. And in this case, his replacement, first-round pick Jarrod Bunch, literally adds insult to injury with two impressive 20-yard runs that result in a Hostetler-Mark Ingram connection and the Giants strike hard and fast.
New York leads 7-0
The 49ers' offense enters the field with big questions to answer, now led by BYU darling Steve Young at quarterback and a running game headquartered by rookie Ricky Watters and child stealer Tom Rathman. Their first drive is heavy on the latter, with Watters and Rathman teaming up for the first seven plays. When Young finally does take to the air, it's incomplete, and all that San Francisco's accomplished in the first quarter is a way to keep Tom Rathman from re-entering civilization.
Quarter Two
Fellow first-rounder Rodney Hampton is entrusted to emulate his rushing partner, but when he's called upon to assist Jeff Hostetler in the always-intelligent flea flicker, he marks the early stages of the Rodney Hampton experiment a failure when he tosses it to nobody but a sea of red and gold. The 49ers immediately pounce on the mistake when they appease the Rathman once more and allow him to carry it in from 6 yards out.
Score tied 7-7
Jarrod Bunch continues to impress with world-beating runs, one of which includes a tackle-breaking and wet-panty-making 35 yard burst. On the very next play, the Mustachioed Maestro answers the eight-year old question of 'Who's the Boss?' with a 47-yard bomb to Ed Mcaffrey for the Giants' second touchdown.
New York leads 14-7
The 49ers' next drive includes more disappointment in the face of Steve Young, who's a lackluster 2-for-8, and with the Giants now focusing on Rathman, the 49ers have effectively been morphed into a non-dimensional offense. Unfortunately for New York, the Jarrod Bunch enigma continues to become more entangled when, after another 20+ yard scamper, he is caught behind the line and coughs up the ball. With time low on the clock, San Francisco sends out Choking Cofer who somehow banks in a 51-yarder despite his best efforts not to.
New York leads 14-10
Halftime - Giants 14, 49ers 10
Quarter Three
The second half of this classic clash begins with a kick return to midfield from Marc Logan. The 49ers begin their classic heart-stabbing comeback trail behind Ricky Watters' glorious 50-yard run for the first touchdown of what should be many in his Tecmo career.
San Francisco leads 17-14
Things do not continue to go swimmingly for the Giants of New York, with Bunch unable to find room to run and Jeff Hostetler throwing the first interception of what should be many in his Tecmo career. Steve Young is finding his rhythm on the next drive when, facing a 3rd and 13 situation, he steps out of some pressure to find Brent Jones up the middle. Jones gains 37 yards after the catch, but the next three plays are destroyed by New York and Cofer is back on to vulture some more points.
San Francisco leads 20-14
The Giants continue to implode as the third quarter draws to a close, allowing a Pierce Holt sack and giving Bunch no escape from the rush of red that engulfs him. Though, while the third quarter ends with a whimper...
Quarter Four
The fourth begins with the Giants attempting a 4th down conversion with 18 yards needed and on their own 32-yard line. The flea flicker attempt to Mcaffrey is wildly incomplete. We know it's the 49ers, fellas, but come on. At least go with the more successful, yet criminally underrated, blocked field goal/scoop up and run by genetic freak Matt Bahr play. The 49ers continue their boring-to-tears campaign with another forgettable drive leading to a terribly bland third field goal from Mike Cofer, and suddenly we're finding ourselves with a queer feeling of nostalgia for the Montana days of yore.
San Francisco leads 23-14
I only realized this game ended when I was finished watching my computer defragment itself. What I apparently missed: another miracle flea flicker failure from Hostetler, a Ricky Watters fumble, and the endless unanswered screaming echoes of thousands of crowd members stuck in Giants-49ers eternally-repeating purgatory.
Final Score: 49ers 23, Giants 14
What did we learn today, class? The 49ers still have the Giants' number, though this time around that number isn't as desirable. While we weren't expecting to be riding the edge of our seats over here at the Tecmo Bowl, we certainly thought the third-recorded Giants/Niners matchup would be one worthy of bookending our first weekend of Tecmo, '92. Unfortunately we should have stuck with burying this snoozer beneath the rug and letting the Steelers have their lone spot in the winner's circle, but we still have the benefit of a long season with much left to occur. We may see either of these teams again in one of our featured games, or we may not. Yet one thing remains certain: I will never be satisfied wasting what should be quality time with my insect collection writing about either of these squads.
