Looking Ahead: Thanksgiving Edition!

The Thanksgiving holiday will last all weekend long here at the Tecmo Bowl, so make sure to pack your fridge full of leftovers to ready yourself for the festivities. Though Thursday is sure to be jam-packed with your favorite football action on the television screen, we here at the Tecmo Bowl are committed to bring you some of our own brand of football gamesmanship over the weekend with the typical Detroit and Dallas holiday games, along with a featured matchup on Monday night. Don't worry if you get lost, just follow the Bubby Brister balloon all the way down the ol' information superhighway back to the Tecmobowl.com come this weekend to keep that tryptophan hangover rolling right along!

The weekend will start off traditionally with Detroit finally getting their chance in the sun, and it couldn't be more fitting in the Thanksgiving holiday game against Cincinnati. At this stage in the game, however, Detroit will only be lacing up their cleats to play the spoiler against a Bengals team trying to get their head back above water while riding a 2-game win streak. Dallas will return to the spotlight as well, hoping to finally bust their way forth from the 2nd place position they've been riding all season. They'll take on the hopeless Cardinals; though it would only be fair to mention that Phoenix's one win came in their only featured game just a few weeks ago. If they can nab another one here, it may be at the expense of their divisional mates' playoff dreams.

The games to follow on Sunday have the powerhouse of yesteryear in Buffalo battling against one of this year's surprising Goliaths, the Atlanta Falcons. The Bills have gotten back to their winning ways as of late, but a match-up here against the tough-as-nails dirty birds may wind up knocking them back under .500 for the second time this season. Miami and Houston also tussle in a match-up of division leaders. Both teams have underwhelmed against expectations, though Week 12 is usually about the time that the blood in both Warren Moon and Dan Marino's veins begin to react to the 'medication' they've been receiving on the sidelines.You'll also see the Minnesota Vikings attempt to bounce back against an unidentifiable Cleveland Browns team who are desperately looking for their first playoff shot in some time, as well as Green Bay and Chicago beating each other black and blue in the NFC Central for a chance to stay alive in the NFC wild card discussion.

The late games should pack a punch just as hard as the early ones. New Orleans and Washington undoubtedly make an interesting pairing, with the Redskins taking their 4-game win streak against perhaps the hottest team in our 1992 Tecmo Bowl season. Bobby Hebert, leading the league in nearly every statistical category, takes on the highly-ranked Washington pass defense, including Brad Edwards and his 7 sacks and 3 interceptions. San Francisco takes advantage of the Saints' and Falcons' tougher match-ups in landing themselves the packed-for-the-postseason Los Angeles Rams. Pittsburgh should have no problems making it 6 in a row against the Colts, while the Raiders hope to make it a race in the AFC West with a win over the Broncos.

Monday's contest will highlight our final team to be featured in the 1992 Tecmo Bowl Season, the New England Patriots, when they play the New York Jets. Depending on what happens in Miami, the Jets could be playing for sole possession of the AFC East lead. It seems like the 5th week in a row they've played for that claim, but it finally looks like a reality when they touch down in the Nor'east to play a Patriots team with no real direction. Hugh Millen had us all fooled earlier this season by playing above himself, but now that he's not only landed back on earth but found himself halfway to China, the Patriots are no more than a high school JV team looking for a chance to play with the big boys. Though Browning Nagle and Co. can hardly be labeled as such, they are certainly looking for a chance to redeem themselves after a lackluster tie in their last featured game just a few weeks ago.

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AFC

 

NFC

Monday Night Football: San Diego vs. Cleveland

As promised, we now present a Monday Night slugfest of two AFC teams turning their respective fortunes around from last year. San Diego is ready to pull away with the AFC West, something a win over Cleveland would make very much possible. Cleveland, on the other hand, may be breathing on fumes if they can't find a way to win here. Suffering a demoralizing loss at the hands of Houston last week, the Browns need to find a way to recreate their 5-game win streak earlier this season to get back in the serious discussion between retired man-boys on network television.

Quarter One
The Chargers waste no time taking the reins of this game, with a deep John Carney kick to Randy Baldwin, who is wiped out at his own 9 yard line. Immediately after, Mike Tomczack gets steamrolled right inside his own end zone by Henry Rolling, causing his life insurance company to cringe for just a second.

San Diego leads 2-0

No, not that Terry Taylor

Nate Lewis, the dedicated return man for San Diego, returns a pitiful Matt Stover kick across midfield. Stan Humphries has little chance to get comfortable himself when Cleveland cornerback Terry Taylor picks him off on his first pass of the game. The Red Rooster strikes again!

Tomczak begins his run at redemption in the familiar shotgun formation, though he's once again acquainted with Henry Rolling's Burger King breath with a sack of 13 yards. Eric Metcalf takes a stab at it and converts Cleveland's first positive play of the game, a run of 7 yards. Quickly facing a 3rd-and-16 situation, Tomczak gets his first pass off, connecting successfully with the sixth-rounder out of Colorado, Rico Smith, who runs it out to the San Diego 29-yard line. On the ensuing play, Tomczak takes his pick of 5 open receivers, choosing Kevin Mack at the 10-yard line to run it in for Cleveland's first score.

Cleveland leads 7-2

Lewis returns his second kick to the Chargers' 20, following it up with a catch in the open field for an additional 48 yards deep in the Cleveland dog pound. Smooth Stan runs the next play like butter, handing it off quickly to Rod Bernstine, only to have Bernstine huck it back for Humphries to find Anthony Miller in the corner of the end zone to make Bill Belichick's frown grow a frown of its own.

San Diego leads 9-7

The Browns get decent starting position once again with a Baldwin return to the 43-yard line. Eric Metcalf batters his way through the San Diego pinball machine, picking up 7 yards. On second down, the Chargers roll over Metcalf to force another third down with a yard loss. Tomczak, slightly less stoic than his last drive, throws the panic lever and bounces the ball off of Metcalf and the three defenders swarming him.

Quarter Two
Brian Hansen cashes his paycheck with a punt that pins Eric Bieniemy at his team's 9-yard line. Poised as ever, Humphries avoids the safety by falling forward into Mike Johnson's waiting meat cleaver hands at the 1-yard line. Head coach Bobby Ross rolls his grapefruit testicles on to the field over the next two plays, consisting of a Humphries flea flicker that falls short, followed by a dangerous Miller reverse that has the receiver nearly running behind the goal post, though he's still able to pick up 15 of the 18 yards needed to give punter John Kidd some breathing room.

Kidd lofts the ball all the way to the Cleveland 30-yard line, giving Metcalf hardly a chance to return before he's smeared like a fitting brown liver pate on the field. Tomczak laces it to Rico Suave for a 20-yard gain on first down, following it up with a dandy 14-yard run of his own to the San Diego 27-yard line. The promising drive comes to a screeching halt, however, when Texas native Stanley Richard picks off the eclectic Tomczak at the San Diego 5-yard line. He charges back to the 23 to set his team up for the next drive.

Humphries gets the dancing bug, trotting an entire 2 yards over the Cleveland defense. On second down, Bernstine picks up his quarterback's slack with a decent 10-yard rush of his own, his first carry of the game. Mike Johnson swallows Humphries for another sack, erasing 11 yards. Bernstine's run, while admirable, only regains 7, so on 3rd-and-14 when Humphries' pass to Lewis only picks up a similar 7, the Chargers are forced to punt it away once more.

With exactly 42 seconds remaining until the end of the half, Metcalf sashays his way through the San Diego special teams, chewing up valuable playing time for Tomczak and company. With 22 seconds left, Cleveland resolves to send Metcalf up the middle to end the half on a reasonably positive note, though his tackle at the 1-yard line with 0 seconds remaining is about as non-positive as you can get for a team struggling to find ways to score all season.

Halftime - Chargers 9, Browns 7

Quarter Three
Nate Lewis gets a solid return to the San Diego 44-yard line. Undaunted by his previous failures, Humphries boldly digs down deep for the flea flicker once more, finding it batted away again on course to Anthony Miller. His pass up the middle on second down to Bernstine is also batted like a sack of steaming potatoes away from any live bodies. Lewis atones for his teammates with a catch in coverage 12 yards away, setting up a new course of downs. Like clockwork, Humphries forges on with the flicker, finding it knocked down again by a Cleveland secondary apparently uniformed in canola oil. On second down, Humphries drops back, gets serious for a second, and uses his fortunate ability to be protected all day long to find a wide open Lewis along the sideline for a 45-yard score.

San Diego leads 16-7

Cleveland starts at midfield after a short kick and, knowing they've finally used up all their chances to keep the game close, start their scoring drive with a pitch to Mack that's blitzed and loses 6 yards. Mack can't make up for the loss, falling over a yard further behind the line of scrimmage, and on 3rd-and-17, Tomczak knows he's in trouble when a wide open Rico Smith forgets everything he learned in Colorado and drops the pass. Belichick sends in Mrs. Hansen's baby boy for the punt.

Bieniemy only musters up a return to the 11-yard line, giving the Chargers a long field but a fair amount of time needed to erase from the clock anyway. On first down, Humphries goes to the air, lobbing it to Lewis who can't fight physics and reach through his defender to catch the ball. Michael Dean Perry notches another tally for his bedpost with a sack of Humphries, setting up a third down in which Nate Lewis has no chance of catching the ball, even in triple coverage.

Eric Metcalf finally comes clean on his guarantee by schooling the San Diego special teams with a punt return to the Chargers' 35-yard line. An omen of things to come, however, presents itself when Tomczak throws to a covered Michael Jackson and is almost picked off. Metcalf takes the ball safely on the next two plays, converting a first down. Tomczak takes another stab at glory, and for the time being is rewarded with the assistance of a leaping Jackson in the end zone to pull the game back within two.

San Diego leads 16-14

Nate Lewis answers with a decent return of his own to the Browns' 45-yard line, setting up a time-killing drive of two straight Rod Bernstine runs to close out the quarter with an additional 15 yards to his name.

Quarter Four
Humphries gets back to basics with an incomplete pass to Lewis to kick off the fourth quarter. On 3rd-and-10, the popular flea flicker continues its every third-play trend, though it still can't fool the windmill arms of the Cleveland secondary. On fourth down, John Carney is sent out to put this game out of field goal range for the Browns, a feat that is successfully converted from 48 yards away.

San Diego leads 19-14

Carney's still got some blood pumping through his femur on the ensuing kickoff, one that pins Baldwin back at his own 7 with a shade over 2 minutes to play and Cleveland suffering a bit of unsettling deja vu. With San Diego predictably blitzing, Tomczak forgoes the common sense that saved them on their first drive by lobbing up an ill-advised duck into the welcoming gloves of San Diego cornerback Anthony Blaylock.

The Browns defense comes up big, stopping two straight reverses and another Humphries flea flicker, though San Diego does its job in wiping out over a minute from the clock. John Carney is called upon once more, and he also does his job by ruining Thanksgiving for little Johnny in Cleveland with an icer from 26 yards away.

San Diego leads 22-14

With just 5 seconds left to play after a Baldwin return to the 45-yard line, the Browns do all they can in an alternate dimension where 2-point conversions are unfathomable; they call the Tomczak-to-Metcalf pitch that sees Metcalf running backwards on an escalator into futility.

Final: Chargers 22, Browns 14

Though hardly a clean game by any stretch, the Chargers proved to still be the class of the AFC with a defensive spanking of the ill-prepared Browns. Had Humphries strayed from the flea flicker formula a bit, he may have had a better showing for the national audience though his resilience after a first-throw interception did prove who the better man was out there. Tomczak tried his best, though it was hard to avoid getting his clock cleaned by a hungry San Diego front seven ready to prey on the Browns' weak line. The Chargers go on to their eighth win, one we predicted at the beginning of the season should be enough to clinch the West, while the Browns' fifth loss may be enough to force them to show their hand in a division that includes the unflappable Oilers and unpredictable Bengals. Of course, only time will tell what's in store for the rowdy Brown bunch, though we think the continual benching of Bernie Kosar will be inversely related to their appearances in any January football games.

Week Eleven: O'Donnell's Simple Mustache Machine

It's sure to be an eventful week with many middle of the road teams looking to break out from their exile in mediocrity. Week eleven is also notorious for a few apple-cart upsets for teams in the playoff hunt. Who the victims are this week remains to be seen, though we'd assume the teams treading a tightrope all season are in for some hurting. The Vikings, Cowboys and Jets have played tough, but their staying power may only be as long as the time between Rich Gannon's menstruation periods. Other teams like Pittsburgh and Washington have made great runs to nose their way back in, though it's hard to say that the weight of Neil O'Donnell's mustache won't tip the lever to the other side of the fulcrum. Of course, we could either continue making petty predictions or we could just dive into the games as they progress. We'll assume by your bored silence you prefer the latter, so let's hit it!

1:00 Games

San Francisco (7-2) * New Orleans (8-1)

The incestuous NFC West kicks off with Steve Young putting on a seminar for Bobby Hebert. Young threw 238 yards, finding his receivers 71% of the time, to Bobby's 201 (not including the yards thrown to 3 of San Francisco's secondary). The 49ers also dominated the all-important ground game in sending Tom Rathman to the wolves of New Orleans' normally nasty rush defense, collecting 93 yards and a score of his own. San Francisco pulls itself back into a first place tie behind Mike Cofer, with no signs of these horses tiring any time soon. 

Final Score: 49ers 24, Saints 21 (OT)

Buffalo (4-5) * Miami (6-2-1)

Speaking of a horse race, the donkeys of the AFC East collide in what used to be a pretty marquee match-up for the division. Marino outgunned Kelly once more, but it was the rise of Thurman Thomas and his 153 all-purpose yards that crowded the division just a bit more. The Dolphins' one-sided pass attack showed its flaws this week, whetting the whistle of their foes, though despite the loss they still lead this very shaky race by virtue of choosing not to win against New York.

Final Score: Bills 31, Dolphins 23

Philadelphia (7-2) * Green Bay (3-6)

The first of our clairvoyant upset picks reared its ugly head with the return of Sterling Sharpe rousing his troops into action against the usually-dominant Eagles. Behind quarterback Brett Favre, the Packers staged their first comeback win, going ahead late with Favre's 238 yards, 0 picks and a 90% completion rate. Jackie Harris was still Brett's stud despite Sterling's return, but perhaps he was the voice needed to start what Green Bay hopes is a resounding comeback late in the season after this solid win against Philadelphia. 

Final Score: Packers 31, Eagles 30

Atlanta (7-2) * Phoenix (1-8)

Andre Rison limped off the field after catching 3 Chris Miller balls for 116 yards, enough to fight off a valiant Cardinals' comeback to keep Atlanta in their division's menage a trois. Miller was a force to be reckoned with, edging out in the NFL's new marketing scheme, entitled 'The Battle of Chris-es', by throwing 262 yards with a 91% completion rate to Chandler's 286/62% split. Randal Hill did his best Rison impersonation with 3 catches for 114 yards, though doing so with an empty Atlanta secondary is somehow slightly less impressive.

Final Score: Falcons 34, Cardinals 31

Houston (6-3) * Minnesota (7-2)

The Oilers continue their winning ways by way of reigniting Minnesota's losing curse as Warren Moon connected for 337 yards all over the Vikings defense. Curtis Duncan picked the largest straw in Moon's receiving corps, catching 7 balls for 195 yards, though Rich Gannon kept it close by throwing 265 yards, 184 of those to his emerging favorite target in Cris Carter. The Vikings were tough in defeat, keeping some wind in their sails, while the Oilers, even after a slow start, continue to find ways to stay afloat despite taking on the water weight that is Lorenzo White.

Final Score: Oilers 30, Vikings 24 (OT)

Tampa Bay (4-5) * Chicago (5-4)

The Bears continue to find more ways to separate themselves from the muck of the rest of their division, including pulling out a win against Tampa Bay in the face of a 14-point deficit in the 4th quarter. The Buccaneers let it slip away after Brad Muster invoked his angry troll voodoo spell and ran roughshod over Tampa Bay's defense for 133 yards on 14 carries. Until then, the story of the day was Jim Harbaugh's 47 passing yards, a number that, much like a certain presidential candidate, may come back to haunt him when training camp rolls around next season. 

Final Score: Bears 21, Buccaneers 17

Denver (3-6) * New York Giants (3-6)

In another dimension, it'd still be a game nobody cared about with two quarterbacks that usually err on the side of abysmal trying to out-suck each other. Once again, Jeff Hostetler ran away with it, unable to cross over 200 yards passing yet again and having no help on the ground from Rodney Hampton. Reggie Rivers was also a thorn in John Elway's side, prompting him to light up for 220 yards with fewer mistakes than normal to put another meaningless win in the column for the most underachieving team in football. 

Final Score: Broncos 21, Giants 14

L.A. Rams (4-5) * Dallas (5-4)

Dallas escaped a sure upset with another solid day of running from Emmitt Smith, who tacked on another 102 yards to his league-leading rushing stats. Cleveland Gary also had a stand-out game, running for 111 yards on 10 attempts, though that number loses some flavor when put up against Jim Everett and his 45% completion rating and just 105 yards thrown on the field. Though Troy Aikman didn't fare much better with just 127 yards and a pick, his name will be the one not confused with a female tennis player come playoff time. 

Final Score: Cowboys 24, Rams 20

New England (1-8) * Indianapolis (2-7)

The annual Toilet Bowl comes late to the 1992 Tecmo season, and it doesn't disappoint with the two featured teams combining for a 3-15 record. New England still runs away with this one and delivers upon the Colts their fitting 8th loss in a row behind an other-worldly performance from Kevin Turner and his 251 all-purpose yards. It's hard to say how many volumes are spoken when Turner has become Hugh Millen's favorite target, throwing 102 of his 162 yards to Turner. Be sure to stick around; the plunger may be needed for a double flush when these two teams meet again in Week 14.

Final Score: Patriots 34, Colts 7

4:00 Games

New York Jets (6-2-1) * Cincinnati (4-5)

The Jets miss out on their first great opportunity to take sole ownership of the division since tying Miami behind rookie quarterback Browning Nagle's worst outing of the year. Throwing just 85 yards with a pick, Nagle made Boomer Esiason feel like it was 1988 again despite just throwing 126 yards, 81 of them to emerging star Carl Pickens. Harold Green made his return to relevance as well, topping out at 108 yards on 9 carries, and suddenly Cincinnati is getting the ol' late November itch again, getting back to .500 after losing 5 in a row.

Final Score: Bengals 31, Jets 10

Pittsburgh (5-4) * Detroit (2-7)

One team that's surpassed the Bengals on the AFC Central totem pole is Pittsburgh, who, behind Neil O'Donnell's resourcefulness, pulled out a fifth consecutive win. O'Donnell was firing on all cylinders, making up for Barry Foster's first real off-day by still finding him out in the field for 83 yards to add to his total of 206 for the day. Rodney Peete found his restored roar quieted by the steel curtain, reverting back to his old ways with just 146 yards and a pick. With no Barry Sanders to cover for him, Peete's Lions are already seeing sandy beaches, even before their contractually-obligated Thanksgiving Day game.

Final Score: Steelers 21, Lions 10

L.A. Raiders (4-5) * Seattle (2-7)

After valiantly falling short of a heroic comeback last week, Raiders' back-up quarterback Todd Marinovich put on an uninspiring performance of just 111 yards with a 62% completion rating. Luckily for him, he got to play a back-up high school scrimmage team in the Seattle Seahawks, led by art school dropout Stan Gelbaugh. With Gelbaugh's season progressively getting worse, it's hard to see him finish out the season before Kelly Stouffer is called upon to play the same position as guys like Bart Starr and Joe Montana.

Final Score: Raiders 27, Seahawks 10

Kansas City (2-7) * Washington (5-4)

With Kimble Anders leading the team in rushing with 25 yards and Dave Krieg only throwing for just 87 with 2 picks and a 21% completion rating, it's hard to see how the Chiefs didn't score negative points in this game. Earnest Byner remained a paragon of resilience, rushing 95 yards on 11 attempts, while Mark Rypien had one of his best days throwing with 251 yards, 113 to star receiver Gary Clark. The Redskins are heading the right way up the Appalachians; we just hope they can avoid any toothless, banjo-playing, crooked-fingered Brian Baldingers on the way to a playoff spot.

Final Score: Redskins 35, Chiefs 3

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We're hitting the stonier soil now with our next Monday Night match-up, pitting San Diego and Cleveland against each other in a strange pairing of AFC contenders. In what would normally be a late-season walkover for the Chargers, they'll now meet a Browns team hungry for a 17th game behind Coach Bill Belichick. Cleveland had won 5 straight to put them in a first place tie with Houston, but after resorting back to their early season antics in a pivotal head-on collision with their big brothers last week it's hard to say which Browns team we'll see tomorrow night. For San Diego's sake, they hope it's one that they'll use to put themselves further out of reach in the West as Stan Humphries gets poised for another miraculous playoff run. He'll have to contend with sack-leader Anthony Pleasant, who will be anything but as he tries to send Stan back to the pound and get his Bad News Browns back in the win column.