Thursday Night: Philadelphia vs. New Orleans

As with everything, the pages of the calendar turn on another year of Tecmo. Not too much has changed; we've still got promiscuous cheerleaders and fumbles that seem to roll all the way to that weird clinic where Dr. Mario works. But, perhaps for the first time ever, a game will be documented with 1992 rosters. That's right, it's the year that brings us the rise of future car salesmen Steve Young and Brett Favre, the emergence of a new dynasty in Texas that doesn't have a roster of old professional wrestlers and rumblings of expansion into well-established basketball and rugby towns. 1992 also brings us people like Bobby Hebert, as the Saints look to wipe off the stain of Steve Walsh and give the Cajun Cannon another chance to return his team to glory. They'll collide tonight with the Philadelphia Eagles, another early playoff pick also led by a familiar face to Philly fans, the enigmatic Randall Cunningham.


Quarter One
The camera bulbs flash (no smart phones in 1992, smarty-pants) as the ball is kicked off for another rousing year of the Tecmo Bowl. The Eagles will begin with the ball at their own 14, and in the huddle we have a few new faces. Most noticeable is the new running back, Herschel Walker, taking over for the noticeably absent Heath "the Queef" Sherman. Second most noticeable is new tight end, Pat Beach, but only because Randall keeps shouting at the sidelines, "BEACH! BEEAACH! WHERE YOU AT, BEEEACH?"

The Philadelphia offense starts off on a thrilling note with combined runs from Herschel and Keith "the other Queef" Byars combining for 6 total yards. Cunningham, who leaves for a year and thinks he can just come back and run the ball like he's QB Eagles or something, takes the ball on third down and runs 21 of his own yards. This gets the offense rolling a bit, with the next few plays netting 33 yards to the New Orleans 20-yard line. From there, the drive stalls, and the Eagles are facing 4th and inches at the 11. And of course, you're not Rich Kotite if you're not going for it on fourth down on the first drive of the season.

So New Orleans gets the ball at their own 11, and the first play is a Bobby Hebert lob to Quinn Early for 35 yards. Hebert decides it's not too 'early' for a flea flicker, and he's right when he finds Early again, this time for 45 yards. Unfortunately for the Saints, it's also not too 'early' for a fumble. Luckily, Mr. 'Man of the Hour' Eric Martin uses his infrared vision to see the ball where 6 other Eagles players can't, and scoops it up for a score before Saints fans even have a chance to put their paper sacks back on their heads.

 

New Orleans leads 7-0

The first quarter ends abruptly with an always-inspiring 3-and-out from Philadelphia.

Quarter Two
Hebert goes to the air again on just the third play of New Orleans' season, but before the MVP ballots are cast he's picked off by Ephesians Bartley, a 9th round pick out of Florida who doesn't even have his own Wikipedia page. Seriously, someone get on that.

With Philadelphia on enemy turf, Walker finally gets his first big breaking run and goes 20 yards to the Saints' 14. Nearly 7 of those yards are negated on the next play when the Saints' 'D' washes over Walker like a typhoon, or some other related natural disaster that occurs frequently in the city's geographical location. Walker gains 13 yards back, but on 3rd down Cunningham once again shows his inferiority by getting picked off in the end zone for a New Orleans-style touchback (which is basically just a regular touchback, but they like to feel special about things down there).

The Saints exercise their God-given right to use a running game, and use it they do with Ironhead Heyward rip-roaring for 19 yards. After that rousing success, Hebert decides to play it safe with a 43-yard heave to Hoby "Comin' Round the Mountain" Brenner, who lays out for it at the Philadelphia 18-yard line. Early gets his third catch of the day, and it's a doozy as he corrals it in for the second Saints touchdown.

New Orleans leads 14-0

With just over a minute to play, the Eagles begin at their own 20-yard line. Calvin Williams drops an easy pass from Cunningham, who's captured by 1992 technology mumbling "should've thrown it to Beach...". Randall moves it around the right side for 19 yards into gator country, and Philadelphia is looking at a clock that reads 39 seconds left to halftime, down by 14 at the enemy's 39-yard line. But you're just not Rich Kotite if you're not calling two Keith Byars runs that predictably go nowhere.

Halftime - Saints 14, Eagles 0

Quarter Three
The Saints will start at their own 35-yard line after a decent return from a fellow named Fred Mcafee (hold on a second, gotta check something, okay, so apparently Gill Fenerty's visa expired in Canada). Two straight handoffs to rookie Vaughn Dunbar lead to 8 of his first National Football League yards. On third down, Hebert loads the cannon, lights the fuse, and rockets one off to Eric Martin, who pulls the ball in after it passes through Otis Smith's new Reebok gloves. Gotta get the Adidas, man, come on. Martin gets his second touchdown, while Hebert gets his second and a half and the Saints are surprisingly running away with this one.

New Orleans leads 21-0

Vai Sikahema is seeing a lot of ball today. While the college student inside me laughs for a bit, I'll go on to explain the Eagles' exciting sequence of plays that include a Byars 9-yard run and a Herschel Walker fumble over to Brett Maxie. Hahah, like Maxie-Pad! Now that one's too easy to not acknowledge.

Beginning at the Philadelphia 45-yard line, Hebert attempts the flea flicker. The resulting failure is the same as usual, though this time I'm not as mad for some reason. Something about Bobby Hebert's face. I don't know. I just can't get mad at a face like that. The next two plays are also go nowhere, though I think it's more due to the Saints' devil may care attitude than anyone on Philadelphia's defense.

After a touchback, the Eagles get to work on maybe trying to actually make this "contest" a little more "competitive". Two plays later, and Philly is staring at a third down larger than their city's obesity rate. Randall goes to the air for Calvin Williams, who catches it in stride and runs for the New Orleans 38-yard line. Walker busts loose for 22 more yards to the Saints' 16, and before my very eyes, Fred Barnett gets his first catch for an Eagles touchdown.

New Orleans leads 21-7

Quarter Four
Either my computer emulator has learned the 'rewind' trick, or Hebert is making a fool of the Eagles' secondary again, because before long he's hitting Martin along the sidelines for a deja vu-esque 58-yard connection. They finish off the rest of the yardage for another touchdown; but in bigger news, I just figured out how to whistle using my thumb and forefinger, like they did in the '50s. Neat!

New Orleans leads 28-7

Sikahema takes the short kick over midfield to the New Orleans' 47, where the Eagles begin their offensive clinic. Keith Byars racks up 12 yards up the middle. Walker gets another 5 while thinking of his glory days back in Minnesota. The clock continues to tick away as Walker is given the ball again. He tacks on 10 more yards. Byars runs into a wall of his own men, adding a little levity to this depressing drive. Cunningham then puts us all out of our misery with a fearless run through Saints defenders for a 20-yard touchdown scamper, causing us all to wonder, "why are Randall Cunningham and QB Eagles never in the same place?"

New Orleans leads 28-14

Eric 'The Playmaker and Wifetaker' Martin scoops up the onside kick and returns it all the way to the Philly 27-yard line. Heyward is blitzed on first down, while Dunbar fares no better on second. Welcome to the NFL, pal! Speaking of the NFL, why is this USFL dude throwing all these touchdown passes? Oh yeah, that was Early hauling in that 25-yard toss for his second (should have been third) of the day.

New Orleans leads 35-14

I'll tell you what, for as awful as the Eagles are looking right now, that Vai Sikahema's got a lot of heart. The native Tongan and import from the Cardinals of Phoenix gets another impressive return to the Philadelphia 41-yard line. On the next play, Calvin Williams gets a nice grab at the New Orleans' 24-yard marker, but fumbles it. Brett Maxie absorbs his second recovery of the day, cleaning house on fumble recoveries so far this year and all but mopping up this game for the Saints.

Final: Saints 35, Eagles 14


When this crazy sophomore experiment began, we expected the returns of both Randall and Bobby to lead their teams to the promised land. Nobody saw this performance from the Cajun Cannon, however, whose 236 yards could have been nearly 300 had one catch not been wiped out by a fumble. While Randall will most likely put this one behind him, the Saints fans have nothing but exciting games in their future, with the chemistry between Bobby and his receivers already at Ragin' Cajun levels. The Eagles have a lot of work to do to become the playoff team we expected them to be. The Saints, on the other hand, are already looking to give the rest of the NFC West a run for their money, though not in the literal sense with the amount of stink Vaughn Dunbar emanated today.

The Tecmo Bowl: 1992 Preseason Analysis

Well, somehow it's Labor Day again, and what better way to pay tribute to those past generations of hard laborers fighting for basic human rights than to carry on our (so far one-year) tradition of analyzing and predicting the complete and utter randomness that is the Tecmo Super Bowl ROM. As I sit here in my 'Bo Knows Tecmo' t-shirt, I've had a chance to reflect on an entire year of Tecmo and how it's changed my life. I've met many wonderful people, attended my first Madison Tecmo Tournament, and pushed my marriage into the seven-year itch about four years early. It's been a while since we even visited the site here at The Tecmo Bowl, and for all we knew it'd been hacked and taken over by some Russian syndicate. Luckily, we found it still standing, and only needing a slight dust and polish to get it ready for another year of Tecmo.

This whole thing almost didn't happen, as the September-January commitment last year proved to be unexpectedly exhausting and soul-crushing. But yours truly heard the disquieted rumblings from the legions of its underground cult following (the entire three of you), and decided to fork up the cash to host the site for one more year (donations welcomed, but not required...). Of course, it would be blasphemy to re-do the entire 1991 Tecmo season again, after all the hard work put into the season by me...and I guess the teams, too. Luckily, our friends over at the Tecmo Repository have done the hours upon hours of legwork on our behalf to round up the hundreds of expertly hacked Tecmo ROMs. In return, we would like to thank them and their legions of followers by hounding you to read our game-by-game recaps of the 1992 version of Tecmo Super Bowl.

The original Tecmo Super Bowl has been lauded as one of the best sporting video games of over 30+ years of video game existence. Check around the world wide web and you'll see how many times it's ranked over sporting video games of the modern day. Most of this is due to its groundbreaking concept of using real rosters and player attributes. Of course, discordant ties with the Japanese led to beautiful glitches that brought fame to otherwise unknown players, but that's what made the game special. The hard work put into these updated roster hacks is no different, and our wonderful lawbreakers should be acknowledged and celebrated for making sure our newest season of The Tecmo Bowl will run as smooth as Richard Dent's silk boxers.

And so, with no further ado, we present to you our computer-tested and generated analyses of the most anticipated event in this year's NFL season: The 1992 Tecmo Bowl.

AFC East
Last year we saw Miami and Buffalo duke it out for the top spot in the AFC East; this season should be no different. Though this year, we think Miami has the right pieces to dethrone the reigning champs and enter the playoffs as the number one seed. While the Bills have most of their explosive offense still in tact, the 'Phins took advantage of their two first-round draft picks to beef up their defense with Troy Vincent and Marco Coleman, while also swiping Bobby Humphrey from the Broncos. The Colts had the first two picks in the draft and also used them to shore up a porous defense, but the loss of Albert Bentley along with the remaining existence of Jeff George has these Colts finishing in the middle of the pack again. Ken O.Brien's holdout in the offseason will have the Jets stumbling out of the gate as soon as it opens, while the Millen-for-Grogan swap in New England, plus the losses of Mr. Allen and Mr. Dykes will stall the Patriots in their quest for not-last-place.

AFC Central
Houston will most definitely repeat for another division crown, despite letting last year's Tecmo Bowl MVP Drew Hill walk to Atlanta. Meanwhile, it appears Cincinnati will forgo the momentum of last year by letting superstars James Brooks and Ickey Woods depart and bring in sub-par replacements Harold Green and Derrick Fenner. Even with a draft of top-prospect Carl Pickens, the Bengals appear to be in full-rebuild mode, especially by drafting quarterback David Klinger despite Boomer still riding high on last year's heroics. This means the new darlings of the AFC Central, the Pittsburgh Steelers, are ready to take the limelight under new head coach Bill Cowher, whose first order of business was to run Bubby Brister out of his starting job in favor of Neil "The Real Deal" O'Donnell. Also, with most of the steel curtain defense returning, the Steelers should be in prime position for a wild card spot. Oh yeah, and the Cleveland Browns signed Mark Bavaro, I guess.

AFC West
The ol' AFC West remains the wildest of the bunch, and our expert analysis here at The Tecmo Bowl believes a record of no more than 10 wins should seal the deal for the division champion. This time around on the carousel, we have San Diego claiming the prize with the addition of last year's Cinderella Man, Stan Humphries. They'll take it over last year's champs, the Denver Broncos, who chose quarterback Tommy Maddox in the draft over a replacement running back for the departing Bobby Humphrey. Some wonder if the Chiefs improved by stealing away Dave Krieg from the Seahawks, but with Okoye slowly losing effectiveness they’re on shaky ground. Meanwhile, the Raiders replaced the best running back in the game with Eric Dickerson, who was the best running back in the game 8 years ago, and the Seahawks will be running a quarterback platoon after the departure of Krieg, though we don't think they'll strike any fear into any standing armies anytime soon.


Playoffs
Bills def. Broncos
Steelers def. Chargers

Dolphins def. Bills
Steelers def. Oilers

Dolphins def. Steelers

NFC East
The Redskins surprised many last year with a de-facto divisional title win over the Eagles, but this year we envision Philadelphia taking the division. With their pick-up of Herschel Walker, along with Randall Cunningham emerging from the shadows, we think they've got the best shot. Dallas is an emerging powerhouse, with Aikman, Smith and Irvin reaching football puberty, yet it will be their much-improved defense that gets them into the playoffs. Though Washington took Desmond Howard in the draft to expand on their dynamic receiving corps, the improvements in the rest of the division will make it hard for them to repeat. The Giants will stumble with their new-look offense behind Jeff Hostetler and Rodney Hampton in the backfield. And though the Cardinals now have a double-headed Johnny Monster with the addition of Johnny Bailey, the fact that they're starting Chris Chandler all but forfeits the chance of matching their overachieving 3-win season.

NFC Central

As the majority of the NFC Central enters rebuilding mode, the Vikings will once again take advantage with the addition of solid back Roger Craig to replace the departing Herschel Walker. The growing pains of a new coach in Dennis Green and starters in Cris Carter and Rich Gannon will keep them from rolling of a similarly impressive win streak, however. Chicago and Green Bay will once again duke it out for a chance to be a wild card representative from the division, with the Packers coming out slightly ahead after hitting the restart button with new coach Mike Holmgren and quarterback Brett Favre (we think it's pronounced Fav-ray). Though the Bob Nelson-less factor will hurt their chances for a playoff spot, they'll finish ahead of the Bears, who are struggling to find themselves due to coach Mike Ditka losing his smile. The Buccaneers will improve slightly under the proactive pick of Courtney Hawkins and new coach Sam Wyche leading the way, while Detroit will reward themselves with 3 wins after having the fewest picks in the draft, one of which was used on a kicker.

NFC West
San Francisco will rely on former Buccaneers backup Steve Young to lead them to vengeance over the Rams this season. The 49ers will prove to be a powerhouse again with their offensive weaponry and stout defense, easily taking the West this time around. Even with a questionable draft strategy (picking up low-end prospect and future Precision Hose, Inc. superstar Vaughn Dunbar) and starter Bobby Hebert shrouded in mystery, the Saints will squeak in as the annual ‘surprise’ wild card team. Elsewhere in the West, Wade Wilson was brought in to back up quarterback Chris Miller. We’re not sure how else to convince you that the Falcons will be terrible. And the darlings of the last few weeks of the Tecmo season last year, the Los Angeles Rams will return with Chris..er..Jim Everett at the helm, along with Cleveland Gary and Flipper Anderson. But asking them to play keep up with the 49ers or Cowboys with their cringe-worthy defense will be prove to be a daunting task.


Playoffs
Cowboys def. Redskins
Vikings def. Saints

Cowboys def. 49ers
Eagles def. Vikings

Cowboys def. Eagles

Pittsburgh will fight valiantly, but we think the upstart team of the year will be Dallas, as they represent the NFC in the Tecmo Bowl against the veteran Miami Dolphins squad. Who will come out on top? These type of questions can never be answered with much confidence when it comes to a game as random and aggravating as Tecmo, but no matter who the champion is (Dallas), we all come out winners if we can somehow make it through another one of these seasons.

Preview for Next Week: Your fantasy rosters are set, and your DVRs are ready to record 18 hours of football this week. And now, to complete the man-grunting trifecta, we are finally prepared to bring you Week One of the 1992 The Tecmo Bowl Season. Playoff contenders Philadelphia will open the season Thursday night in the City of Hoby Brenner love against the Saints, while AFC's David in Pittsburgh clashes with Warren 'Goliath' Moon in Houston on Sunday night to close the first full exciting day of Tecmo football. Monday night will showcase the most anticipated game since the schedule was announced a few minutes ago as San Francisco battles New York in a rematch of the lopsided 38-0 Wild Card Weekend affair. With the Giants looking to avenge their knockout blow from last year, Coach Ray Handley's questionable choice of putting a mustache in to anchor his team will either be met with residual applause or thunderous and overwhelming hatred of the New York faithful.

We had a thoughtful and introspective question to ask here, but somehow forgot in in the midst of finding ways to hype a 20 year old computer-simulated Nintendo game. So we'll just go with the standard:

Are you ready for some TECMO?