Looking Ahead: Week Ten

After Week 9 sent some harsh blows to a few early-week Cinderella teams, Week 10 brings them a chance for redemption. Teams like Philadelphia, Tampa Bay and Cincinnati have some ground to make up, and with only 7 weeks left in this drawn-out Tecmo season they'll need to turn it around quickly. While the usual favorites are clawing their way out from the muck, the battle for wild cards is still in play, as is the battle for what's left of Bobby Humphrey's dignity.

Just run, Duke! Run!

San Francisco kicks the week off after a hot win at home against Philly. They're back in their division, and headed to Atlanta to face a Falcons' team that's, by all stretches, out of it, but still hungry to play spoiler. Mike Rozier's been stellar so far for the dirty birds, but the 49ers tout a strong rush defense that made QB Eagles look like Randall Cunningham -- by that, we mean the shamed US representative from California, not the All-Star Eagles quarterback. Miami and Buffalo will continue their dead heat to the top against the AFC East's hidden-in-the-attic stepbrothers, while two meaningful NFC Central bouts round out the early games as Chicago tries to move forward and the Bucs attempt to halt the Vikings' hot streak. Oh yeah, and the Browns and Bengals will attempt to play a successful football game, too.

In the afternoon, Phoenix will try to get their second win of the year in a game against the Dallas Cowboys, who are trying to keep up with their big brothers in the NFC East. The Cardinals are hoping for at least one more win to keep Johnny Johnson from quitting to become a road salesperson for Ace Hardware, and you know it will have to come against one of their division-mates to keep the race muddled, in true Tecmo fashion.

Or, like O.Brien, "Plays
Almost Like a Quarterback"

Speaking of the Big East, the Giants look for their sixth in a row against the fading Eagles, two teams that were in very different places in the beginning of the year. With a win, New York could move into sole position of first place just weeks after dusting cobwebs in the cellar, if just until Monday night. With a loss, the Eagles will have gone from 4-1 to 4-5 faster than Black Sunshine's rapping in the Superbowl Shuffle. The afternoon comes to a close with Denver trying to end a 1-game losing streak against a hot and determined Bubby Brister, in that particular order, and his Pittsburgh Steelers. The Jets also visit Green Bay, in an attempt to totally not look foolish as Don Majkowski carves up their 23rd-ranked pass defense like a Thanksgiving turkey--or, perhaps more fitting, a can of Indian Packaging Company meat.

The featured game on Monday Night brings back the AFC Central-leading Oilers, playing suave and cool amidst the turmoil of their division, as they travel to the nation's capital to play a football game with the Washington Redksins. Mark Rypien's team leads the very undecided NFC East and, depending on what happens in Philly, may need to know which Charles Mann to run out on the field; the moderately talented defensive end, or the man-eating bear-tiger with no regard for another human's life or ability to lob 85-yard bombs.

Mann vs. Moon

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AFC

NFC

 

 

Byes: San Diego Chargers, Seattle Seahawks, Los Angeles Raiders, Kansas City Chiefs

Monday Night Football: Philadelphia vs. San Francisco

Caution: You may need sunglasses for the glare

In real-life 1991 NFL, Joe Montana was sitting pretty with his four rings and a decade that he could single-handedly call his own. However, the 49ers were looking toward a questionable future while the NFC East started bubbling with teams ready to take back the conference. In Tecmo-life NFL, Montana still rules the roost, and despite a slow start to this particular simulated season, the 49ers appear to have finally hit the turning point after a massive pounding of the Detroit Lions last week. Now they get the grand spotlight of Monday Night, up against one of those flashy NFC East teams in Philadelphia. The Eagles' quarterback may not use a name, but for most of the season he's been letting his legs and arm speak for him. The two teams appear to be heading in separate directions, and tonight could be the defining moment in each team's season. Also, we'll get to see Tom Rathman inevitably juke and jive for 45 yards and at least 8 touchdowns.

Quarter One
The 49ers keep their winning streak alive with a victorious coin flip call, and elect to receive. Dexter Carter brings the ball 15 yards out, from which Tom Rathman chugs all the way to the 38-yard line. Two plays later on 3rd-and-1, however, Thomas Dean Rathman can't bust past his own offensive line and Barry Helton is on for his second punt of the season.

Philadelphia starts on their own 20 after forty-five minutes of trying to find the punted ball floating somewhere in the Delaware River. Keith Byars swoons the Philadelphia fans with a run for no gain, but QB Eagles earns even less yards after a Pierce Holt sack. On 3rd and 20, Eagles' pass is blocked and the 49ers are going to get their ball back.

Just before he cartwheeled in from the twenty

John Taylor is the punt returner, and earns his paycheck for the week with a run to the Eagles' 48-yard line. Roger Craig makes up the remaining distance with a blistering run to paydirt while Eagles Coach Rich Kotite suddenly finds himself holding the Classifieds section of the Philadelphia Inquirer.

San Francisco leads 7-0

The Eagles get another shot from their own 37-yard line, but Heath Sherman resists another first down by falling down after 9 yards. When Eagles can't pay anyone to catch his pass, it's 3rd-and-1. Byars finally converts the first down and gets to midfield, while Sherman's ensuing 7-yard run brings us to the end of the quarter.

Quarter Two
The quarter second begins as the first ended, with QB Eagles' streak of uncaught passes continuing. On 3rd and 3, Byars goes the wrong way. Jeff Feagles, who holds the honor of having the closest name to his team aside from blatantly made up players, is out to punt the ball. His kick goes for a total of 75 yards, with a net of about 15.

Joe Montana adds to the rushing trifecta with a 14-yard scramble, ending his run in front of QB Eagles and making sure to shake his hand with the one covered in golden rings. A pass to Jerry Rice is deflected in double coverage, a definite portent of doom for the 49ers. Of course, Montana recognizes about 10 men covering Rice on the next play, so he goes to the wide open John Taylor who high-steps 53 yards to the Philadelphia 8-yard line. Rathman is up the middle for the score, where he proceeds to do his signature spike and shuffle dance.

San Francisco leads 14-0

QB Eagles scrambles for 12 yards of his own on the Eagles' third meaningless drive, perhaps showing signs of a return to league-leading rushing statistics. His average is knocked in half on the next play, however, when his run is stopped short at the goal line. Two plays later it's 3rd-and-5, and Charles Haley gets involved with a sack of Eagles. Feagles latches on his punting leg for another touchback.

With 37 seconds left in the half, the 49ers show off their humbling display of kneeling out the clock by giving the ball to Rathman for a 35-yard run, just for the heck of it.

Halftime - 49ers 14, Eagles 0

Quarter Three
After reminding the Eagles this isn't a charity event, Kenny Jackson takes the field and returns the kick to the Philadelphia 39-yard line. Eagles' unfathomable passing deficiency continues with a batted pass behind the line of scrimmage on first down. He takes matters into his own hands with an 8-yard designed run, but on 3rd-and-2 Byars is stuffed for a loss of 1. The Eagles are now just 20% on third down conversions, which actually seems pretty high now that I think about it.

Jerry Rice is somewhere in the middle of this gang-rape

Feagles' punt actually falls ahead of the goal line at the San Francisco 1-yard hash, but Taylor still decides to bring it out to the twenty. Minutes later, Feagles is seen on the sideline with a judge, trying to change his name to 'Jeff Feagle-Niners'. Rice makes two straight receptions, the second in double or perhaps octuple-coverage, and the portent of doom is washed off San Francisco to drain into the same hole as Philadelphia's playoff hopes. Rathman coasts in from the 3-yard line for his second vultured touchdown of the game, and to be honest I won't mind if you change the channel to Sister Wives or check out this Wikipedia page of lesser-known 49ers running back, Harry Sydney.

San Francisco leads 21-0

Kenny Jackson takes the kick once more, and breaks off a few defenders to run it out to the San Francisco 48, now leading the Eagles in all-purpose yards. QB Eagles audibles a bootleg run, but it's picked and loses 7 yards. He's blitzed again on second down, but gets the pass off to three 49ers defenders that mercifully keep each other from intercepting the pass to keep Eagles' reception rate at 0%. On 3rd-and-17, Sherman gains 7 yards, but not the 1 in front of it to convert and Feagles is on to put another crack in the Liberty Bell.

Amidst shooting laser beams, Feagles keeps his focus...

The wheels may be coming off of San Francisco's offense when Montana somehow overthrows a wide-open Rice and Roger Craig is stuffed for a loss of two. On 3rd-and-12, Montana's pass is blocked, leading Commissioner Paul Tagliabue to start an informal investigation into 49ers Coach George Seifert's gambling habits.

Eagles goes down in a Halestorm of Haley

Quarter Four
Helton gets off a long punt and Philadelphia is set to start their monster comeback at their own 28-yard line. "The Drive", as it will be come to known by me and the four people that will ultimately read this blog, starts with a 1-yard run by Eagles and continues with a 2-yard loss by Byars. On 3rd-and-11, a blitz-sack of Eagles by Keith DeLong puts Coach Kotite in a tough position. He decides to wear his balls on his windbreaker sleeve and goes for it on 4th and 20 at his own 18-yard line. His balls are then subsequently injected with some of Charles Haley's HGH when QB Eagles is sacked again at the 7-yard line by Charles Haley.

Rathman gains 3 yards on first down, and graciously gives way to Roger Craig on the next play for Craig's fifth rushing touchdown on the year.

San Francisco leads 28-0

Jackson decides to take the ball out of the end zone despite staring at a flock of Eagles at his doorstep, and is dropped at the Eagles' 1-yard line. QB Eagles brings his team into the huddle to ready them for a four-touchdown rally with 3:35 to go. It starts off fruitfully with a combined 5 yards on two plays, but due to Eagles duck-tossing all day they decide to go with a Sherman run on 3rd down. The decision pays off with an 8-yard rush up the middle and their first third-down conversion since the first quarter. Strong analytical skills by this writer determine that the 49ers may be a bit pissed off when they rush all eleven at Eagles, but he somehow gets the pass off and finally connects with a diving Calvin Williams for a gain of 39 yards.

If Calvin Johnson is Megatron, Calvin Williams must be Laserbeak

In a twist of Faulkneresque fate, QB Eagles sprints the remaining 43 yards and a touchdown. The dream is still alive in Philadelphia after a puzzling 99-yard scoring drive.

San Francisco leads 28-7

The 49ers' left guard Guy McIntyre scoops up the onside kick attempt at the San Francisco 46-yard line with 1:34 remaining. Two quick plays lead to a rare 3rd-and-11 for the 49ers, and when Craig only gains 2 the Eagles will be getting the ball back after all. COM play-calling, folks.

Although Helton nails a punt at the goal line, Calvin Williams still fights his way to the Philadelphia 22-yard line with 30 seconds left. QB Eagles gets his second completed pass of the day to prove he's no fluke, but even his legs can't outrun the 15 seconds left on the clock, and the Eagles fall miserably short of the goal line and the win to fall to .500 on the year.

Final: 49ers 28, Eagles 7

Would it be okay for me to say I hate watching games like this? Just when I think I'm having a blast running this simulated season, games like this remind me why I never used to do it after I turned 13 years old. The 49ers weren't as dominant as they were against Detroit, but didn't have to be as QB Eagles had both holsters heated with guns to shoot his team's feet with. The schedule ahead is very favorable for the 49ers with two intra-divisional games and another against Phoenix before a showdown with the Rams in Week 13. This is why we should never be fooled by a 1-4 San Francisco start, even with all these years under our gut-busting belts. I don't see the Eagles recovering from this loss, mostly because a 28% completion rate and only 72 yards would be enough to shatter even a Rypienesque type of confidence.

Week Nine: Breaking Dawn

There's a point in each Tecmo season when the fun ends and the big boys start taking charge. The night-long party may soon be over for teams like the Bengals, Packers and Cowboys, as they soon make way for the Bills, 49ers and Oilers in the breaking dawn. But we play on, not because we think it's fun, but because it's something we must do. We must continue to cross our fingers for a cut screen, dramatic injury music queued up and Joe Montana lying like a pixellated corpse with legs facing opposite directions. Until that happens, we'll wait with baited breath as the scores keep rolling in, and Phil Simms alters his stats when we're not looking.

1:00 Games

Stephens has already run more yards here than in his game

New England (1-6) at Denver (4-3)

The Patriots don't make any ground up with the rest of the division on a bye week, despite the return of John Stephens and the fact that they took Denver to overtime. Steve Grogan went toe to to with John Elway, out-lobbing him 168 yards to 146, but it was ultimately the lack of oxygen in Denver that kept Grogan's passes from coming down from satellite trajectory when they were needed the most.

Final Score: Broncos 20, Patriots 17 (OT)

Dallas (3-4) at Detroit (1-6)

Detroit keeps the parade of suck going with another loss and 3-interception day from Rodney Peete. Barry Sanders was limited to 86 yards on 11 rushes, while his counterpart Emmitt Smith only used 8 runs for 105 yards. Dallas lurches its way into the thick of the NFC East behind a top-10 defense and Babe Laufenberg's smile, while Detroit is still having trouble finding the keys to a win despite holding them in their own hands.

Final Score: Cowboys 34, Lions 17

A battle of two of the most insensitive nicknames
in the NFL

Washington (5-2) at New York Giants (4-3)

The Giants claimed their fifth win in a row using 14 unanswered points in the 4th. Ottis Anderson put on a one-man show with 107 rushing yards, almost as much as the combined passing yards of Phil Simms and Mark Rypien. New York pulls the Redskins into a first place tie, David Meggett pulled some tabs down at the hotel bar, and I think I pulled my groin again looking at Angela Rypien's latest highlight reel.

Final Score: Giants 31, Redskins 14

Kansas City (3-5) at L.A. Raiders (4-4)

Although the Chiefs make it a two-game gap in the AFC West, it was more of a gift from the Raiders than anything. Bo Jackson led L.A. with 24 yards rushing on 3 attempts, causing us to wonder how much the Raiders coaches know Bo. His 8-yard average should have been a good omen, but Stephone Paige's 27-yard average on 6 receptions appear to have Jackson already gearing up for Spring Training.

Final Score: Chiefs 30, Raiders 14

San Diego (6-2) at Seattle (5-3)

After watching the rest of their division squabble, San Diego laid an egg in Seattle when Billy Joe could only connect on one pass for 18 yards. Seattle put up 21 fast points before allowing 14 garbage points to San Diego in the 4th quarter. This, along with a combined 173 passing yards leads us to believe that this game may have been about as exciting as listening to Kelly Stouffer call a Vikings preseason game.

Final Score: Seahawks 21, Chargers 14

The real scandal is Tecmo's blatant advertising monopoly

Minnesota (7-1) at Phoenix (1-7)

The Vikings get their 8th win in as many weeks, and second against the Cardinals in 3 weeks after breaking a tie in the fourth quarter with 14 unanswered points. Herschel Walker and Johnny Johnson had the same amount of carries (8), but Walker took his for 13 more yards. The Vikings take a stranglehold on the division, and may soon be sailing on their love boat to a division win.

Final Score: Vikings 28, Cardinals 14

L.A. Rams (4-3) at Atlanta (2-5)

With a late field goal in the 4th quarter, the Rams pull another game away in the NFC West. Their victory came on a silent day for Mike Rozier, who was out-rushed by his own quarterback. It was an ugly game with ugly stats by the Rams offense as well, which means the next time we see Los Angeles above San Francisco, it'll be more likely because the San Andreas fault finally sent California hurtling into the ocean.

Final Score: Rams 19, Falcons 17

4:00 Games

Green Bay (5-2) at Tampa Bay (4-3)

The Bucs let a huge opportunity to edge their way into the race slip away at home. Don Majkowski waved his wand for 285 yards and 4 more touchdowns with no picks, and Sterling Sharpe was a huge accessory for him, pulling in 7 passes for 150 yards. Vinny Testaverde just couldn't keep up, and now with Tampa Bay wallowing around .500, the chances of a creamsicle-free playoffs is increasing with each week.

Final Score: Packers 38, Buccaneers 21

Cleveland (3-4) at Pittsburgh (3-4)

Cleveland drops another one, this time to Bubby Brister and the hard-charging Steelers of Pittsburgh. While Warren Moon lounges in his poolside recliner, QB Browns will be retelling the story of how they were there when the Steelers made their late-season charge. Of course, the story will have to be told with a talking computer as he eats through a feeding tube after a Steelers safety and Browns' second injury of the season.

Final Score: Steelers 29, Browns 14

Real teams don't need wide receivers

Chicago (4-3) at New Orleans (2-5)

Da Bears got stomped in the Big Easy, falling further away from the streaking Packers and literally streaking Vikings. Craig Heyward was a beast for the Saints, running 112 yards on 11 rushes while also pulling in 3 receptions for 106 yards. It's a huge win for New Orleans, who have been kept quiet with the hype surrounding the Rams, 49ers, and Jessie Tuggle moonlighting as a cabaret singer.

Final Score: Saints 38, Bears 10

Cincinnati (4-3) at Houston (5-2)

In the biggest game of the Bengals' season that didn't involve promotional Zubaz, they lose a heartbreaker to the Oilers in Houston. Boomer Esiason was on point for 294 yards and 0 picks, but Warren was a moon-walk better with 86% accuracy and 288 yards of his own. The Bengals were kept one-dimensional as James Brooks couldn't crack 40 yards, and the Oilers take control of a division that no other team cares to win.

Final Score: Oilers 38, Bengals 28

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The San Francisco 49ers will finally get their shot to play on a national stage this season, and it's at a time when Joe Montana and Co. are playing at their highest level. The Niners could have lost another 4 games this season, and I'd still expect them to get in the playoffs with 12 wins. Therefore, the fact that they're starting to heat up this early has the rest of the NFC on notice; including the Philadelphia Eagles, who have seen their promising start to the season wither away with each passing day that QB Eagles' status screen goes from 'Excellent' to 'Handicap Accessible'. It's a big game deserving of Monday Night, where both teams need a victory to continue climbing within their divisions. Will the Eagles claim a second victory in a featured game? Or will the 49ers start Bill Romanowski? We'll know in just under 24 hours, friends!

SNARL!