The Tecmo Bowl: Quarter One Report!

What could be better than reading another blog brought to you by The Tecmo Bowl, you're asking? Well, listening to one, of course!

The Tecmo Bowl head writer, Butt Douglas, and his longtime Tecmo sparring partner, the Lodgefather, are proud to bring you the first in a series, the Tecmo Bowl Radio Show: Quarter One Report! In our inaugural episode, we take a look at all 28 Tecmo squads and see where they stand in our first ever Power Rankings. Where does Denver's underwhelming 0-4 start land them? Can the Jets and Raiders finally earn the respect of the Tecmo writers and bloggers for their surprising runs? Will Hugh Millen's otherworldy stat sheet put his Pats up with the big dawgs? Only one way to find out! We also take a look at individual players that have helped or hindered their team's first lap around the Tecmo Bowl track. No one is safe from the watchful eye of Butt or the scathing criticisms of the 'Father.

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Playable right here on the website, or available as a direct download (right click and save as), is our show, brought to you by the Tecmo Radio Network. Made up of enthusiasts just like yourself, we wouldn't have been able to bring this to you without some of our friends in the nationwide Tecmo scene. Huge "props" to TecmoBowl.org for all the help and for syndicating our little corner of the blogosphere on their website. Hope you all enjoy it, and we're more anxious than Dan Marino on a Friday night in a bathroom stall at the 1235 club to hear your thoughts and opinions! That's according to Lodgefather, anyway.

Also, we can't stop listening to the opening and closing track to our little show. The song is titled "Dutch Town", from the band Armcannon. Pop in to iTunes and show them some love.

Monday Night Football: Minnesota vs. Cincinnati

With both teams poised at the precipice of perfection, the Vikings and Bengals are sure to bring their A-game tonight. For Minnesota, that includes their third-ranked rush defense, while Cincinnati is ready to release the pit bull that is Derrick Fenner. It'll be the Vikings' biggest test since Barry Sanders in Week 2, something we never thought we'd be saying about the Fenner Bender at the beginning of the season. Like we said before, getting to 3-0 can be a cakewalk for any team, what with upsets and fluke wins always a part of the game. Getting to 4-0 is the real test, and tonight only one team will pass while the other will go back to obscurity inside their own respective division. With the Oilers surging in the AFC Central, that would be a worst-case scenario for Cincinnati. Ask Vikings' fans if they're comfortable with the rising rookie in Green Bay, and they may turn a different shade of purple. Either way, we're excited to document this important early season game for you, and with our filler running out let's say we just get into it.

Quarter One
Eric Ball is the returner for the Bengals this evening, and he gets his team a decent starting position at their own 37-yard line. Cincinnati comes out challenging the Vikings' defense early with two straight pitches to Fenner which net 9 1/2 yards. Fenner converts the first down, but that's all he'll get this drive when Boomer Esiason tries to change things up and gets picked in the end zone on his dead duck pass to Carl Pickens.

Faking the famed Carter reverse, a play made popular by the Mauritania Mourabitounes national football squad, Terry Allen rushes for 23 yards. On the next play, the Mauritanians lift their chins in pride when the Carter reverse is actually called and goes for another 1st down. Winded from his minute-long run, Cris takes the bench while Anthony, no relation despite having the same Ivory Coast-shaped birthmark, heads out on the field and immediately pulls in a criminally wide-open 47-yard pass from Rich Gannon for the first score of the game. That's two French colony references for you geography nuts out there (and I know you're out there).

Minnesota leads 7-0

Cincinnati starts at their own 40 on the next drive. Future Carl Ekern "Spirit of the Game" Award winner Harold Green, also having a stellar season in his breakout year, takes the ball for 8 yards and is immediately injured by the spiteful and unsympathetic Vikings defense. Fenner picks up the first down, and fearing for his own safety takes the bench on the next play to give Eric Ball his first chance to carry the...rock. Ball plods slowly but gets 9 yards, 3 of which are erased on the next play after Chris Doleman readjusts his infrared on the newest Bengals' ballcarrier. On 3rd and 4, Ball caps off his first drive as a rusher in professional football by finding out what Doleman had for dinner.

Quarter Two
After a Lee Johnson punt that goes for a touchback, the Vikings start their next drive handing the ball off to Allen who is quickly becoming entrenched in Dave Shula's next nightmare. Allen carts around the Bengals' defense for 15 yards, waking them up for the next three plays which see a batted pass, a reunion of Allen's face with the turf, and Rich Gannon using his wheels to pick up 4 yards on a 3rd-and-17 play.

Standout rookie Carl Pickens operates with the ball for the first time in the game on a punt return. He's only upright long enough to see 19 yards, and when Ray Berry smothers Esiason for a loss of 13 on the next play, the Bengals suddenly find themselves dangerously close to the next Shula aneurysm. On a shotgun play that sees Esiason leaning up against the goal post, the ball is lobbed up to a wide open Pickens for a huge 79-yard gain. Ball nets a negatively impressive minus-3 yards on the next two plays, and when Berry swallows up a second helping of Esiason, Cincinnati is forced to settle for a Jim Breech 32-yarder. Unfortunately, they'll have to settle for Jim Breech minus the three points when his kick sails wide left.

Cris Carter, the second leading rusher on the team, nabs another 22 yards when the Carter reverse baffles Cincinnati once more. Roger Craig, the third leading rusher, is welcomed back from injury by a wall of Bengals' defenders. Allen completes the trifecta that is the vaunted Vikings' rushing attack with a 22 yard burst to the Cincinnati 30-yard line. Craig earns another week with the squad with a 23-yard catch-and-run to the 6, where Allen runs from to score with just 34 seconds left in the half.

Minnesota leads 14-0

Halftime - Vikings 14, Bengals 0

Quarter Three
Breech delivers a full power kick to the always-dangerous Darrin Nelson, who's only able to bring it out to the Minnesota 14-yard line. Anthony Carter doubles that on his second reception of the game, and two plays later nabs his third, a 35-yard connection to get them inside the scoring threshold once again. A flea flicker to Allen is courageously blocked by the Bengals' secondary, but his third fake reverse once again stuns them for a gain of 25 yards to the Cincinnati 7-yard line. They get away with two straight misfires to each of the Carters, leading to a 3rd-and-goal situation. Sucking up their stripes, the Bengals hold tough on another heart-stopping flea flicker to Carter, Anthony, batting it away at the last moment. Fuad Reveiz is on to give some fans between the uprights an all-expenses paid trip to the team dentists' office.

Minnesota leads 17-0

From his own 35-yard line, Esiason dodges a sack and connects with Pickens for 36 yards to get inside the Vikings' 30. From the shotgun formation, Esiason overthrows Pickens in the back of the end zone. Carlos Jenkins scavenges Eric Ball and Boomer for parts on the next two plays, eliciting another Breech appearance. This time, his kick is on target from 54 yards, allowing new owner Mike Brown to release one of Breech's children back to his father.

Minnesota leads 17-3

Enough time remains on the clock for Darrin Nelson to both return the Breech kickoff 68 yards and impregnate three nubile young women, while still having enough time to compliment the head referee's new cleats.

Quarter Four
Thanks in part to Nelson's stellar return and Gannon's resilience, the flea flicker survives another entry in the record books with a 22-yard touchdown connection to Anthony Carter.

Minnesota leads 24-3

Ball gets the Bengals' their best starting position of the day at the Cincinnati 44-yard line. The product of Esiason's scolding on the sidelines from Coach Shula is realized when Fenner is fed the ball on the next four plays. He totals 53 yards, but that's all that'll stay on his stat sheet after the game when Eric Ball is sent out to scrape up the final three for the Bengals' first touchdown of the game, amending his stat sheet to now include 6 total yards and a score.

Minnesota leads 24-10

Allen scoops up the onside Breech kick at the Cincinnati 48-yard line. Steve Jordan catches his first ball of the year at the 41, making the most of it with a sweet, sweet run to paydirt. The Bengals are suddenly the loneliest men on the field.

Minnesota leads 31-10

Just for 'kicks', a full-power Reveiz boot pins the Bengals at their own 7-yard line. Esiason finishes the game with two blocked passes and a 20-yard run in true Boomer fashion.

Final: Vikings 31, Bengals 10

To the winners go the spoils, and so the Vikings spoil a 'perfect' opportunity for Cincinnati and leave as only the second undefeated team, alongside the 49ers of San Francisco. The power players were in full force for Minnesota, from special teams star Darrin Nelson, to the defensive efforts of Doleman and Berry, to Allen, Carter and his other brother (not actually) Carter. Even Rich Gannon was effective in his mediocrity, successfully averaging 33% on his three flicked fleas. Derrick Fenner was obviously underutilized, a factor that can be blamed on both Coach Shula and Boomer's eternal pout. This wasn't more obvious than during the Bengals' final meaningful drive, which Fenner single-handedly constructed for their only touchdown. Cincinnati has a week to regroup before meeting the Oilers in two of their next three games, a hugely important bump in their schedule. Meanwhile, the Vikings will hope to continue churning out performances like this one--if only to keep the chilling, cruel gaze of Denny Green from making the oncoming winter colder than it has to be.

Week Four: Millen Smells Like a Dallas Cowgirl

Don't look now, but we're already a quarter of the way around this racetrack of a Tecmo Bowl season. The exciting part about October football is that no team outside of Washington state is ready to hang their hat yet, and the rest are playing like it's already a 20+ team playoff race. Some divisions will tighten, some will spread further apart, but we can all rest assured that one will remain exactly the same. The entire NFC East is on a bye this week, which means the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading camp can continue their reality show on the Spice Network unabated.

1:00 Games

San Francisco (3-0) * New Orleans (3-0)

Perhaps the most important game in the young season for both teams, this highly-covered battle of USFL supremacy was won in the end by the Los Angeles Express, whose Steve Young outdid the valiant Bobby Hebert of the Michigan Panthers. While their combined yardage was lackluster for two aerial teams (only 278 yards total), Young was far more accurate to help edge his team out. A bright spot for Hebert's squad was the return of Eric Martin, who caught two of Hebert's passes for 83 yards. How these players would translate to the NFL, however, remains the game's greatest mystery.

Final Score: Express 17, Panthers 10

Chicago (2-1) * Atlanta (2-1)

Though their records were the same coming in, these two teams couldn't be any different. Chicago was actually up 3-0 in the first quarter, however it wasn't more than a minute after Brad Muster, the team's leading rusher, limped off the field when the Falcons released Tony 'Kraken' Smith for over 100 yards and 2 touchdowns. The Bears are blown out for the third time this year, affecting the safety and well-being of any and all bratwursts within a 15-mile radius of Coach Ditka.

Final Score: Falcons 41, Bears 3

Denver (0-3) * Cleveland (0-3)

The history of these two teams' rivalry sees a new chapter written, though it's one neither will likely bookmark as the Browns somehow found a way to win in a pretty ugly contest. With the crowd averting their eyes from another poor John Elway showing, nobody saw Mike Tomczak toss for 202 yards, 57 of them to a returning Kevin Mack. The Broncos hit rock bottom with their fourth loss in a row, while Cleveland is pretty pleased to get their contractual win out of the way early.

Final Score: Browns 30, Broncos 28

Tampa Bay (1-2) * Detroit (1-2)

The battle of the two annual Central cellar dwellers is won by the Bucs, in spite of the returning Barry Sanders. The Tampa 2 defense arrives a few years early to hold Sanders to just 58 yards rushing while also limiting a surprisingly effective Rodney Peete, giving kicker Ken Willis a chance to boot his team into a .500 record. Lawrence Dawsey doubles his season output with 113 yards receiving and a touchdown, and becomes Vinny Testaverde's new favorite target after Ron Hall tried hitting on his girlfriend at the morning buffet.

Final Score: Buccaneers 31, Lions 28

Houston (1-2) * San Diego (3-0)

The Oilers, behind Warren Moon, put on another scary performance against the undefeated Chargers to once again play above their record. Moon was just a hair under 300 yards passing once again, showering new receiver Gary Brown with 6 throws for 151 yards and a couple of scores. No longer decrying the loss of Drew Hill, who is languishing down in Atlanta, the Oilers are on the charge to take back their division. The Chargers, meanwhile, still own theirs, though with a humdrum Houston defense laying into Rod Bernstine and quarterback Stan Humphries, we may soon see San Diego sign over the deed to a man nicknamed "The Goose".

Final Score: Oilers 38, Chargers 10

Miami (1-1) * Seattle (0-3)

Miami gets the win on paper, but their performance against the punchless Seahawks won't do much to convert any believers. Dan Marino underperformed once again, this time getting out-thrown by "The Chosen One" Stan Gelbaugh by 5 yards. Mark Higgs and Tony Paige continue to share the load of runs, though with their less-than-stellar performance, we may see Coach Shula bring Bobby Humphrey out of special teams to make the Phins more convincing. Seattle joins Denver in the winless class of the AFC, where they'll most likely continue throwing spitballs until they're old enough to drop out.

Final Score: Dolphins 21, Seahawks 14

4:00 Games

L.A. Rams (2-1) * New York Jets

In an exciting see-saw effort that saw New York go home with a win on a Cary Blanchard kick in overtime, the Jets enjoyed the return of Blair Thomas who ran 14 times for 95 yards. Overall, Gang Green covered the field for 150 yards with Thomas and Brad Baxter, exploiting the league-worst rush defense to knock the Rams back down to earth. Browning Nagle continues to shine with the limelight totally off of Ken O.Brien, whose holdout is about as impressive as his acting abilities.

Final Score: Jets 17, Rams 14 (OT)

Green Bay (1-2) * Pittsburgh (1-2)

The Jekyll/Hyde offense of Green Bay rears its ugly head once again, this time taking the free-falling Pittsburgh Steelers as their next victim. Brett Favre could light a Mississippi mudhole on fire with his 75% effectiveness and 247 yards, 168 of those on 6 connections to tight end Jackie Harris. With O'Donnell hurting from 3 picks in the game, it seems only a matter of time before Coach Cowher takes his tight leash off of Barry Foster. Until then, the Steelers may continue to spend their long Sunday nights licking Neil's hairy wounds.

Final Score: Packers 31, Steelers 26

Buffalo (2-1) * New England (1-1)

With not much to play for this early on in the season, the Patriots took the Bills to the wire in overtime. Hugh Millen continued to make tongue-eaters out of his critics with 268 yards passing, improving his already impressive QB rating, but in the end Jim Kelly and his murderous corps of receivers steals a win in an otherwise brave showing by the Patriots. Facing a fork in the road, New England can either choose to drop the ball or continue dropping jaws. As long as Scott Zolak is reigned in, they may also continue to see dropping panties around the Millen machine.

Final Score: Bills 34, Patriots 28 (OT)

Kansas City (1-2) * L.A. Raiders (2-1)

The Raiders improve to 3-1 in spite of another game helmed by Jay Schroeder. Eric Dickerson continues to rush into prominence, taking the ball 17 times for 135 yards. Meanwhile, the Raiders defense made sure to feast on an especially delicious-looking Dave Krieg, battering him with a few sacks while keeping him at just 112 yards passing. With Barry Word injured, Todd McNair led the team in rushing with 14 yards on 5 attempts, leaving Chiefs fans to wonder if they'd have been better off just carting in Okoye, bad knees and all, and rolling him down the field with a football in his lap.

Final Score: Raiders 24, Chiefs 7

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After tomorrow night's game, only two teams will remain undefeated. Right now, it remains to be seen whether it'll be Minnesota or Cincinnati, but regardless of the victor it'll still be a surprise to see one of them at 4-0. Though an undefeated record after just three games is nothing to print t-shirts over, both teams have proven to be contenders once again. This game will go a long way in writing the rest of each team's season, so we should expect to see a lot of Derrick Fenner chewing up yards and Darrin Nelson tightening chests on his impressive special teams play. From a fan's perspective, however, the less we have to hear about Mike Tice's horse love during the broadcast, the better.