Wednesday Night Football: Kansas City vs. Seattle

Not long ago, in the division where old AFL teams went to die, there was a rivalry to match any of the old classics. Giants & Dodgers. Tar Heels & Blue Devils. Chiefs & Seahawks. Of course, the rivalry has died down a bit with both teams floundering in mediocrity, but the intensity has never faded. And now, this popular match-up has all-new relevance, with Seattle's former leader betraying them for Kansas City and leaving them predictably for dead. With Dave Krieg's defection, Seattle has been left in scramble mode. They rolled out Stan Gelbaugh for the first game of the season, yet nobody was convinced enough to make him the new face of the franchise. The rest of the quarterback committee is rounded out by Dan McGwire, first round pick out of San Diego State, and Kelly Stouffer, who's only notable NFL achievement thus far is not winning one of its games. Who we'll see tonight is still a mystery, though most fans agree that simply catching a glimpse of Stouffer's godlike locks would be one of the only successes to take away from the Seahawks' 1992 campaign.

Quarter One
Nick Lowery shanks a kick to Chris Warren, and the Seahawks of Seattle will indeed start the game with Mr. Gelbaugh at the helm for his second game of the season. After getting his first incomplete pass out of the way, Gelbaugh hands off to Warren who thrusts forward for 19 yards to the Chiefs' 32-yard line. After an unnecessarily aggressive Chiefs blitz negates one of those yards on the next play, Warren hoofs it around the left side for another 11 yards. Gelbaugh overthrows Ron "Sweet-Sweetback" Heller in the end zone, and then pulls it together to find Tommy Kane for their first of what may be two career touchdown connections.

Seattle leads 7-0

The Chiefs begin their first drive at their own 20-yard line, where Krieg momentarily forgets which logo is now on his helmet when he's picked off by Eugene Robinson.

Gelbaugh keeps up his streak of not having a completion streak this year when his pass to Heller is batted away. John L. Williams gets involved to continue Seattle's rushing success with a 10-yard run, inching them closer to another quick score. Two more plays lead to a 3rd-and-6 situation at the Kansas City 17-yard line, where the Chiefs defense absorbs another Williams run for a loss. Kicker John Kasay continues his impressive rookie campaign with a missed 34-yarder to go with his miffed extra point and field goal from last week. The Chiefs will begin their next drive with the only harm done being to the 'fans' in attendance.

Krieg again misses wildly on his second throw of the game, before connecting with J.J. Birden on second down to burn the Seahawks as this first of four quarters comes to an end.

Quarter Two
Tight end Keith Cash out of Texas makes his first catch in a Chiefs uniform at the Seattle 9-yard line. Krieg can't stretch his success in a pass to J.J. Birden on the next play, so he gives it to Kansas City's version of Larry Bird, Barry Word. Word zigs and zags around the Seattle defense for the last 9 yards to effectively reset this game.

Score tied 7-7

Chris Warren gives his team a workable starting position at the Seattle 21-yard line. After two consecutive runs by Warren net the Seahawks exactly two yards, Gelbaugh once again goes to the air. This time, his pass to Ol' Heller is a success and the birds are back in enemy territory at the 43. Mr. L. Williams gets the squad back on track over the next three plays, including two long runs and a 17-yard reception, before getting crushed under the weight of carrying his entire team along with a Chiefs' blitz. Kane can't deliver on another touchdown celebration, and when Warren comes up 2 yards short of the goal line the Seahawks send Kasay out for a chance at Seattle infamy. Unfortunately, he fails miserably by converting the 21-yard kick and the chickens once again take the lead.

Seattle leads 10-7

The Chiefs begin their drive by running their popular 41-second offense of letting Kimble Anders run around in circles for 25 seconds so that Krieg's successful pass to Willie Davis at the Seattle 17-yard line leaves them with no time to formulate a scoring plot.

Halftime - Seahawks 10, Chiefs 7

Quarter Three
Kansas City continues their drive from the previous half, despite being at the other end of the field. The Seahawks defense comes alive by stuffing Anders and Krieg on two separate plays and not showing the money to Cash with a double team pass block. Jacksonville, Florida's own Bryan Barker is on to punt.

Gelbaugh gets a mouthful of Lonnie Marts on Seattle's first play of the half, losing 13 yards in the process. Neither he nor Warren can make up for this tragedy on the next two plays, and so Perry, Florida's native son Rick Tuten is out to kick the football and make a few thousand dollars while doing so.

As this game reaches a fever pitch, Wordasaurus Rex terrorizes his way for 18 yards. Anders, pride and joy of the University of Houston, continues adding links to the chain of success by converting a short Krieg pass into a long gain out to the Seattle 47-yard line. After Word picks up another 8 to get inside Nick Lowery's playground, Krieg stalls the drive for another chapter after getting picked off for the second time in the game.

The third quarter comes to an end with Louis Clark unable to locate a Gelbaugh pass on his map and the sounds of John L. Williams composing his next score called "The 6-yard Suite".

Quarter Four
The Seahawks' drive quickly heats up in the final quarter of play when Warren takes a Gelbaugh pitch and runs it down the Chiefs' throats for 31 yards. Williams gets in on the fun, tearing it up for 10 of his own yards before gifting it over to Dale Carter.

Kansas City gets to work immediately with Krieg overthrowing Davis and his ass meeting the ground 5 yards behind him with a Cortez Kennedy special. On 3rd-and-15, however, they actually do begin to turn things around with Anders taking the catch in the flat and running for a 20-yard gain. Another Anders catch converts another first down inside Seattle territory. The next two plays see Krieg writing some checks to Keith Cash, totaling 40 yards. The drive is capped with a touchdown pass to Birden, and Seahawks' fans everywhere groan upon finally feeling the anguish only a Krieg Komeback can induce.

Chiefs lead 14-10

Less than a minute remains on the ol' countdown clock. Seattle quickly gets to midfield while only burning 15 seconds, leaving them with enough time to run a few plays and possibly give Gelbaugh the chance to orchestrate a comeback of his own. Unfortunately, the next sequence of events lasts just long enough to eat up the remaining seconds, but Gelbaugh's unorthodox tactics to steal a win shouldn't go unnoticed.

An interception of Gelbaugh at the Chiefs' 11-yard line should all but cement this one for a Chiefs team looking for their first win, but when Bennie Thompson tries to get cute with a runback, he's stripped of the ball by Ronnie Lee. Despite his limitations, Lee makes a valiant effort to try and put a wild 'W' in the record books for Seattle by charging his way back down the field. Unfortunately, he's brought down 14 yards away from his own end zone, the 14 longest yards in Ronnie Lee's natural born life.

Final: Chiefs 14, Seahawks 10

Another AFC West contest is in the books, and by the looks of it you're all worse for the wear. No matter, as it was a game that had to be played, and if you're not in this to watch the bad and ugly with the good then I'd ask you to reconsider your true intentions. Gelbaugh wasn't inept enough to justify giving Kelly Stouffer a reason to hide his holy hair with a helmet, as all his completions were to his own receivers. His last gasp for a comeback was admirable, but it was Dave Krieg and his unimpressive stat line that once again found a way to win the day yet again. The 1992 Chiefs look a lot like the 1991 Seahawks, and not only because they have Krieg manning the ship. If they're able to string a few wins like this one together, we may see them steal Seattle's usual playoff placeholder spot by year's end.

Week Two: Sexy Zubaz and New Orleans Tubas

The office drones here at The Tecmo Bowl are still abuzz with excitement as we head full speed into Week Two. With the initial shock of the first week out of the way, it's now time to get into the nitty gritty to see which teams still have the momentum and gusto and which are ready to cash in their volunteer hours. And though we're coming to you with the results late, know that we've been hard at work trying to break down and analyze each exciting match up from the Buffalo/San Francisco game to calling on our Fashion Police for the annual Zubaz runway walk-off. Strike a pose, Marino.

1:00 Games

Pittsburgh (1-0) * N.Y. Jets (0-1)

The Jets averaged about 10 yards per run over 15 rushes while their defense held Barry Foster to only 53 yards on 7 carries. Perhaps in even stranger news, Browning Nagle makes the mysterious start for the New York Football Jets and, despite his inferior performance to the steady hand of Neil O'Donnell, the Jets were one Cary Blanchard field goal better. The Steelers are left with a bad taste in their mouth after last week's heroic performance, though the team is still trying to figure out if it's actually due to the halal cart they hit up before the game.

Final Score: Jets 24, Steelers 21

Buffalo (1-0) * San Francisco (1-0)

In what was advertised as the premier match-up of early Sunday games, neither team lived up to the hype. Only one team left undefeated, though the other would not leave as only losers after this snoozer was over with. San Francisco takes this one, even with Tom Rathman only charging for 21 yards on 9 carries. Thankfully, Jim Kelly's loss was their gain, as he never looked comfortable in his own Zubaz. Kelly only completed 50 yards worth (including one 42-yard reception to James Lofton) while chucking up 2 interceptions, and now the Bills appear to be looking backward more than ahead.

Final Score: 49ers 28, Bills 6

Cincinnati (1-0) * L.A. Raiders (1-0)

Jay Schroeder couldn't hide behind the ineptitude of a one John Elway this week, and was exposed for the horrible quarterback and even worse Rogaine spokesperson we all knew him to be. His four interceptions buried the Raiders early, while also burying Boomer's under-performing stat line of 128 yards with 2 interceptions to 1 touchdown. The Bengals escape with the win nonetheless, while Schroeder goes back to sitting by his phone and waiting for the call from Doug Williams to play a round of mini golf.

Final Score: Bengals 23, Raiders 7

Washington (1-0) * Atlanta (1-0)

The Atlanta Falcons score 7 points in the 4th quarter to remain undefeated for the first time this season. Steven Broussard goes out with an undisclosed injury, prompting his quarterback to come unglued for 251 yards passing. The Redskins are quieted for the time being in their quest for a repeat, due in large part to their star receiving corps being underused by an aging and easily angered Mark Rypien. In fact, right after the game, Rypien was seen raising his voice when told it was spaghetti again this week.

Final Score: Falcons 19, Redskins 17

Tampa Bay (1-0) * Green Bay (0-1)

The Creamsicle Warriors entered the game the underdogs despite being ahead in the rankings, until Green Bay's Brett Favre came along with his perfect performance to knot them up in the NFC Central division. Favre threw 328 yards with no incompletions, 164 of those to Jackie Harris. The eyes of the football nation center in on the small town in Wisconsin, where, for the first time since Bart Starr and Fuzzy Thurston, the Packers are showing signs of life.

Final Score: Packers 33, Buccaneers 24

Detroit (0-1) * Minnesota (1-0)

Detroit won this one, that is, in terms of inducing injuries to star players. Roger Craig is knocked flat out in the course of the Vikings' win over the Lions, though even on a stretcher he gained more yardage than Barry Sanders and his 25 yards on 9 carries. With their starting rusher out, Rich Gannon's 40% completion rate and 113 yards tossing were exposed, leading many to believe there were no real winners in this contest after all. Though that's only if you disregard second-round pick Jason Hanson's 2 perfectly converted field goals.

Final Score: Vikings 20, Lions 6

Miami (0-0) * Cleveland (0-1)

The Dolphins could have spent another week on bye and still pulled out a victory over Mike Tomczak's insulting 79 passing yards and 3 interceptions. The Dolphins don't necessarily make a splash in their season debut, but do enough to take a victory over the hapless Brownies. Cleveland did show some shades of hope in their running game with Leroy "All Aboard" Hoard going off for 104 yards on 11 carries, but as long as Tomczak keeps throwing for more yards to the other team, the Browns are in for many long train rides home.

Final Score: Dolphins 21, Browns 7

Houston (0-1) * Indianapolis (1-0)

Despite an underwhelming victory over the Browns last week, we still picked the Colts to win in our early upset of the week. Jeff George and his rag-tag group of misfits didn't disappoint, as he tossed 378 yards at an efficient 71% rate. Jessie Hester quickly became the league's leading receiver by pulling in 10 catches for 278 yards and causing many Monday morning regrets for fantasy owners. Warren Moon was equally as impressive with 348 passing yards, though that won't exempt him from wearing the goat costume for being out-thrown by George.

Final Score: Colts 30, Oilers 28

L.A. Rams (0-1) * New England (0-0)

Though the Patriots had yet to play a game, they still came in ahead of the Rams in the standings. They wouldn't leave that way, however, due in equal parts to their 17 total rushing yards and the fact that they have Hugh Millen lined up behind center. Millen still out-tossed normally proficient Jim Everett, however, as the Rams continued to grow their wounds even in the win. Neither team really has a bright future in this Tecmo season; however, they'll both continue to exist afterward. The same won't be said for our dear old friend, Pat the Patriot, who only gets to languish for one more year.

Final Score: Rams 26, Patriots 21

4:00 Games

Denver (0-1) * San Diego (1-0)

The Chargers continue their division-slaying quest against Denver, destroying the bumbling Broncos on both sides of the ball. Stan Humphries continues to shine in his starting role, throwing 271 yards with a 78% completion rate. John Elway, on the other hand, finished Week Two with a 32.5 quarterback rating thanks to 3 more interceptions to add to his two-game total of seven. Miami continued to look pretty far away, with Reggie Rivers' 22 yards rushing prompting Denver ownership to try and convince the Dolphins that they still have a chance to send Bobby Humphrey back, receipt or not.

Final Score: Chargers 35, Broncos 20

New Orleans (1-0) * Chicago (1-0)

Though both teams entered the game with a win, they each appeared headed in separate directions when the season began. The Saints of New Orleans created a bit more of a gap between the two by scoring 44 more points than Chicago behind another strong performance from Bobby Hebert. The Cajun Cannon connected with his receivers for 305 yards, making Jim Harbaugh's 125 yards look cute in comparison, and the suddenly scary Saints are now leading the pack in the NFC West with both a 54-point differential in 2 games and in the battle of USFL heavyweights.

Final Score: Saints 47, Bears 3

Dallas (0-1) * N.Y. Giants (0-1)

Dallas bounces back with a win in this intra-divisional battle, stomping out the smokeless Giants despite their loss of Emmitt Smith. Troy Aikman was effective with 259 passing yards, while Jeff Hostetler was convincingly not behind 145 yards and 3 picks. New York continues to tumble down the ladder of greatness after their quick exit from the playoffs last year, while Dallas takes advantage of a division where no team remains undefeated. It's going to be a battle down to the wire for the crown once again, though the Giants will only be involved when determining which other team spanked them the hardest.

Final Score: Cowboys 35, Giants 17

Philadelphia (0-1) * Phoenix (0-1)

Our late-game upset of the week didn't quite pan out so well, with the Eagles taking out their frustrations from last week on a poor, literally defenseless Phoenix Cardinals team. They suffered a casualty in Herschel Walker, though Randall Cunningham more than made up for his absence with 89 rushing yards on 8 carries. His 63 passing yards left something to be desired, like the 241 put up by Chris Chandler, though we think Cunningham would take the 'W' over having to wake up each morning remembering that you're Chris Chandler.

Final Score: Eagles 31, Cardinals 21

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In our earliest Wednesday Night Football game ever, the AFC West gets some love as the Chiefs of Kansas City confront the Seattle Seahawks. Dave Krieg will play his old team for the first time, and so his knack for throwing to the wrong squad may turn out in his favor should he suffer flashbacks. Much like a grizzled war vet, it will be hard for Krieg to adapt to life outside the cold, dark Northwest, so this contest may turn out to be a low-scoring affair. At least, that's what we'll attribute it to even in the midst of crap play from both Krieg and his successor, "Stone Hand Stan" Gelbaugh.