Looking Ahead: Week Eleven

Eleven weeks in, and the only thing we're sure of is that we're sure of nothing. Though teams like the Chargers, Eagles and Vikings look poised to take their divisions, we know that these next seven weeks will prove that anything goes. Teams like the Dolphins and Jets vie atop their division, while the Steelers have come out from nowhere to become the newest AFC Wild Card darlings. The NFC West appears to be poised for three representatives in the playoffs, with the order very much undetermined. With it all up in the air, it's time to take another look ahead as we make one smaller step for Tecmo kind.

The importance of a few of our early games is so obvious it's almost not even worth mentioning. But as our specialty is pointing out the obvious, we will do as much now. San Francisco will attempt to pull even with the Saints, who've only lost once this season -- to San Francisco. Buffalo will measure up against the new class of the AFC East in Miami, needing a win to just pull within .500. Meanwhile, Houston and Minnesota will meet in a clash of former Central division champions and current leaders within their division. We'll also have the pleasure of seeing the surging Eagles beat up on Green Bay and Phoenix try to make it two wins straight after going 0-8, though they'll more or less be carrion for the Falcons by the third quarter.

Aside from those contests, the rest of the early games present a fun grab bag of meaningless mid-season match-ups. Tampa Bay and Chicago will battle in the Purgatory that is the race for the NFC's 3rd Wild Card along with Dallas and the Rams. Also, Denver continues their quest to show that their one step forward and two steps back philosophy is still a worthwhile venture against a Giants team with no clear future. Lastly, to prove that this whole job is as much scraping sewer walls as it is ice cream taste testing, there's a game between New England and Indianapolis to test whether or not you still have a gag reflex.

Our Sunday evening games will pass through some important territories, first with New York's AFC representative, the Jets, trying to hold back a Bengals team that has a renewed taste for winning. Meanwhile, Pittsburgh shoots for five straight against an unpredictable Detroit team. The Redskins will take another baby step in the NFC East with a should-be walk over the Chiefs and the Raiders hope to end their hurtle by bouncing back against the AFC trampoline in Seattle.

Monday night's next melee is an AFC affair this time around, featuring the coasting Chargers battling against the hungry Browns of Cleveland. The Browns haven't scored a point since Week Nine which, not so coincidentally, was the week of their last win. Despite the setback against Houston, Mike Tomczak will continue to prove that their five-game win streak was not a fluke and that Bernie Kosar will continue to carve a spot into the Cleveland bench with his butt cheeks. In San Diego, Stan Humphries has been anything but a fluke, and will prove why he's still a top-5 quarterback in his first featured game since last year's Tecmo Bowl. In order to get his team back to the big game, he'll need to continue his calm, cool and collected crap-kicking of other teams' defenses. This game will surprisingly go a long way in determining each team's fate. Don't miss out on this one!

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AFC 

NFC

Monday Night Football: Phoenix vs. L.A. Rams

For every Lawrence Taylor, there's bound to be a Jock Jones. And as such, in Tecmo, for every down and dirty, nitty-gritty defensive struggle, there's bound to be games like tonight's contest between the Rams and Cardinals. A combined 4-12 (with the Rams holding each of those 4 wins), this game will pit the very dredges of Tecmodom against each other in a battle for will, while its audience battles its own gag reflex. With the Rams tumbling down from their status as division champions last year and Phoenix yet to win a game despite being in a weaker division, there's no telling what will come out on the other side of tonight's digestive tract of a showdown. With defenses that can sleep through a plane crash and two quarterbacks more inconsistent than your wife's mood swings, we're either in for a bedtime story or a natural disaster. Take your pick; we'll go with the one that includes a restful night's sleep.

Quarter One
A short kick to Phoenix's return man Johnny Bailey sets the Cardinals up at their own 43-yard line to start this one off. Instead of leaving the field, however, Bailey lines up in the I-formation behind the venerable Chris Chandler, who fakes the handoff to Bailey and takes the ball on his own for 14 yards. The same play is called on the next set of downs, though this time Chandler opts to throw and finds tight end Butch Rolle for just their first connection all season. This one is good for 26 more yards, and from there, Chandler looks toward the sure hands of Bailey in the end zone. Unfortunately, Chandler's own hands were a little less than sure when the ball sails into a cart of Cuban sandwiches behind section ZZ.

The patented Proehl reverse is good for an absolute zero yards, and so on third down, Phoenix makes things even more complicated by adding in one more step to the reverse with a modified flea flicker that winds up blocked in the back of the end zone. The unpredictable Greg Davis is out to kick in a chip shot from 33, though the ball never had a chance as it careens off the left upright and into the waiting arms of some angry bookies.

Rams' quarterback Jim Everett goes big, though Flipper Anderson can't take him home when the long ball is broken up. On second down, Everett goes to another capable receiver in tight end Jim Price, though the decision to throw to the only covered guy on the field proves not as fruitful as Jim had hoped. On 3rd down, the Rams exhibit their ground game behind the dynamic Tim Lester, though his first national appearance is a bust when he's 2 yards short of the 10 needed for a first down. Don Bracken!

Johnny Bailey is pinned at his own 8-yard line this time with Bracken's expertly placed punt. On the first play of a new drive, Chandler finds Prime Time Butch Rolle once again, this time for 38 yards after Rolle is able to throw off some would-be tacklers. Kevin Greene brings the blitz on the next set of downs, knocking Chandler back 11 yards, though the unfazed Everett, Washington Warrior comes back and finds a wide open Randal Hill in stride for a 73-yard score.

Phoenix leads 7-0

Quarter Two
Greg Davis, perhaps on a bit of a rush after converting the extra point, whiffs his kickoff to Vernon Turner who returns it to the 45-yard line for the Rams. Cleveland Gary gets his first carry, though he's anything but scary with 5 yards as he tarries. Jim Price picks up the slack with a 16-yard reception, though the drive stalls for a bit with Everett's passes struggling to get over the line of scrimmage. Facing a 3rd-and-10 situation, Everett finds the loyal Tim Lester in the flat, who uses his bionic legs to outrun the defenders for a game-tying touchdown.

Score tied 7-7

Johnny Bailey fights for all he's worth just to get to the Cardinals' 35-yard line, and we'll see what kind of mettle Phoenix is made up of as they try to answer the blow to their momentum. Bailey is fed the ball on first down, though his dizziness from his whirlwind return keeps him from passing through his own right tackle's behind and he's taken down for no gain. The always underrated and never overstated Ricky Proehl makes one of his famous in-coverage catches on second down at the Los Angeles 28-yard line, which is followed right up with the MVP of Mrs. Chandler's household lacing his throw just over the fingers of a Rams defender into the waiting arms of Hill, who runs it in for his second touchdown of the game.

Phoenix leads 14-7

Turner the kick returner can't turn the corner, and is felled just shades in front of his own team's end zone. Though Phoenix predictably brings the blitz, Everett can't scramble hard enough and is taken down by none other than the only man on the field named after a piece of sportswear, Jock Jones, for a safety.

Phoenix leads 16-7

Bailey continues to work for yards, returning the ensuing kickoff to the Cardinals' 42-yard line. With the clock winding down, Phoenix scrambles for any added points to drive into the blue and yellow hearts of Los Angeles, though it doesn't start well when the Rams' front seven plows through and takes Bailey down for a loss of 4. Coach Joe Bugel reaches down deep into his bag of tricks and calls the Ricky Proehl reverse and, perhaps not believing such a call would ever be picked at this juncture in the game, the Rams are fooled, letting Proehl run all over the field for 55 yards to the Los Angeles 8 yard line, wiping all but 3 seconds left on the clock. Once again playing the game of chance, Coach Bugel sends Davis out to try from 25 yards instead of going with the odds, though Davis does manage to squeak it in to add to Phoenix's lead before the half.

Phoenix leads 19-7

Halftime - Cardinals 19, Rams 7

Quarter Three

Turner once again fails to bring the ball out past the 20-yard line, giving the Rams yet another short field to work with. The Cardinals bring the blitz on first down, muddying Everett 8 yards back to extend the field. Taking a break on second down, Jim hands it off to Lester who can't erase the deficit with just a 6-yard carry. On 3rd-and-12, Everett manages to save the drive with a pass to Hank Ellard, who brings it down at the Los Angeles 45-yard line. The visionary Rams team runs the exact same play, once again to a rousing success with another catch from Ellard for 36 yards. Lester tacks on 4 more yards to break up the excitement, which is joined in progress with Everett choosing Ellard out of his 3 open receivers to score the touchdown and close the gap.

Phoenix leads 19-14

Tony Zendejas pins Bailey deep on the kick to keep his team's momentum going, starting Phoenix at their own 7-yard line. Bailey responds with his first breakaway run of the day, charging straight up the middle for 36 yards. Kevin Greene gets his second inspired sack of the day, extending the down another 10 yards, though the Cardinals mockingly answer with a Proehl reverse that goes for 31 yards to the Los Angeles 36-yard line. Chandler finds Hill on the next play, who knocks three Rams defenders to their knees with his divine reception abilities, and proceeds to run it in for their third touchdown connection of the evening.

Phoenix leads 26-14

Turner takes advantage of a bad Greg Davis kick to give his Rams a starting shot at their 42-yard line, though a Ken Harvey sack of a defeated Chris Everett knocks them back around the 30. The third quarter comes to a close with the Rams converting the first down, however, as Everett finds Flipper open at the Phoenix 31-yard line.

Quarter Four
And just as Sunday morning brings with it the hopelessness of understanding the unconscious, Crisco-covered donkey in your bed, so does a new quarter bring with it the hopelessness of the Rams' offense as the sure-handed Tim Lester coughs the ball up to Aeneas Williams just as Los Angeles hoped to keep this one close.

Chandler's pass to the well that is Randal Hill comes up empty as it's batted away, though on a second attempt, he finds that there's still something lurking in the muck of the Rams' secondary with a Hill reception at the Los Angeles 44-yard line. Proehl can't pull it down on the next play, most likely because he's wide open, so Chandler tries it again on second down with two men all over Ricky. This time, he brings it in for a gain of 24 yards as Phoenix prepares to iron out their first win just ten weeks into the season. With Chandler scrambling for 12 yards and finding Proehl open in the end zone on the next play, it appears their outlook on the last half of the season will be wrinkle-free.

Phoenix leads 33-14

Starting from their own 23-yard line and looking for the all-important dignity points, Everett gets his crew started on a positive note by cowering away and letting Lester scramble for 7 yards. A lateral pass to Cleveland Gary is batted away on second down, though on the third of their four downs, Gary manages to convert with a 6 yard scamper up the middle. Lester runs once more for 13 yards, though it's probably the catch and run to the Phoenix 12-yard line that truly proves the Cardinals are already packing the bus up. Aeneas Williams delays the inevitable garbage touchdown with a sack of Everett. With 25 seconds remaining, Everett lobs it to Gary who chooses not to be tackled at the 5-yard line until Coach Knox is literally out on the field pushing him over. With just 5 seconds remaining, Everett finds Gary in the end zone to cover the spread and send us all to bed with every intention of mind-wiping that last drive from our memories.

Phoenix leads 33-21

Final: Cardinals 33, Rams 21

Phoenix played at about the same temperature as their city in August, with Chandler taking advantage of a 27th-ranked pass defense and going off for four touchdowns, three going to game MVP and hotel key displayer Randal Hill. The Cardinals win their first game of the season with the bright lights of The Tecmo Bowl shining on them, and if they continue to play with this much excitement and ferocity, we may honor their claims to the next six Monday Night games. Meanwhile, Los Angeles can't capitalize on playing a winless team to keep their fading hopes alive at contending in their very top-heavy division, and must sulk back to below .500 where they will inevitably stay as long as their defense doesn't undertake a massive overhaul. All told, we were proud to display this contest between two nomadic teams that will eventually call the same division home. Perhaps one day, they'll even have a quarterback to lead them to the big game. Though that's about as big a pipe dream as the one currently residing in Freddie Joe Nunn's vacuous skull.

Week Ten: Daryl Johnston Hates Your Team

The second half of our season begins with the skies darkening a little earlier, the wind biting a little chillier, and all 28 of our teams back on a full time schedule. With about half the teams tied at or riding near .500, Week 10 may prove to be an important week for some separation in the standings. It's an interesting week with a few intra-divisional battles and some inter-conference affairs sprinkled in. With the schedule hitting double digits, it's a sure bet we'll be seeing quite a few of our teams bearing down and starting their playoff runs. We'll make sure to play up all the exciting match-ups to uber-hyperbolic levels, until we're ripping on Stan Gelbaugh's pocket awareness to a point that even Daryl Johnston would be proud of.

1:00 Games

Cincinnati (3-5) * Chicago (5-3)
It's an early season flashback as the Bengals win their first game in 6 attempts, while the Bears' offense flounders behind Jim Harbaugh's 62 yards with a pick. Boomer wasn't moving all over the field, though he was mostly efficient behind 133 yards and 0 interceptions, finding rookie Carl Pickens four times for 70 yards and a score. Harold Green was back to his old tricks, running 72 yards with a score of his own, lengthening the battle for obscurity for both teams another week.

Final Score: Bengals 23, Bears 3

New Orleans (7-1) * New England (1-7)
Back from their bye, the Saints cruise to their league-best 8th win behind Bobby Hebert's 77% completion rating and 206 yards, though his rustiness was aided somewhat by Craig Heyward's un-Heyward-like day of 80 yards on just 9 carries. After an early touchdown to lead, the Patriots were shut-out as Hugh Millen once again shut down, throwing 3 interceptions to put him a shade behind Jay Schroeder for most passes thrown to the wrong team. And somehow, our universe has become that alternate universe where the fans of New England are calling for the Scott Zolak era to begin.

Final Score: Saints 28, Patriots 7

Cleveland (5-3) * Houston (5-3)
The magical mystery rides careens off the tracks for the Browns as this battle for the AFC Central lead was really anything but. Kevin Mack won the yardage contest on the ground, but his experimental butter gloves kept his team from ever getting near scoring position. Warren Moon played with a circulatory system filled with malt liquor, yet still played effectively enough to give the Browns any chances. The defending Tecmo Bowl champions may be entering coast mode come Week 11.

Final Score: Oilers 27, Browns 0

Washington (4-4) * Seattle (2-6)
The Redskins win a very loseable game against Seattle behind all eight cylinders of Earnest Byner's engine. Byner ran a cool 154 yards over a poor Seattle defense, as the Redskins only let Seattle get close with 14 garbage points in the fourth quarter. John L. Williams was all of Seattle's offense, with 112 all-purpose yards, and the thorn in every team's side would not be so for the surging Redskins. It's been a long season so far for the Seahawks, and only getting longer with a guy like Stan Gelbaugh standing atop Seattle's quarterback depth chart.

Final Score: Redskins 20, Seahawks 14

Denver (3-5) * N.Y. Jets (5-2-1)
The sign of a resilient team is their ability to move forward after a setback, which the Jets do here after failing to take over the AFC East last week. After facing nothing but scathing remarks from the New York media, Browning Nagle came out with guns blazing, throwing 223 yards with 60% accuracy. The Jets were also assisted by a 12th man named John Elway, who reverted to his early season antics with 71 passing yards and 2 interceptions. New York does their job, now they'll just have to wait for southern Florida to break off and float into the West Indies.

Final Score: Jets 17, Broncos 10

Miami (5-2-1) * Indianapolis (2-6)
Speaking of that other team, the Dolphins draw the Indianapolis Colts a week after a disheartening tie, which wound up being the perfect remedy. Miami sends the Colts into their 7th straight loss behind Dan Marino's proficient 256 passing yards. Playing 27 points behind, Jeff George finally started to lob it to Jessie Hester, connecting for 115 yards, but it was too little too late for a Colts team headed straight for a second consecutive first overall pick of the draft.

Final Score: Dolphins 27, Colts 14

Kansas City (2-6) * San Diego (6-2)
The Chargers continue their second half the same way the left it, still atop the AFC West. Though this time, the Chiefs gave them a bit of a scare with a surprise overtime showing. Dave Krieg turned it on in a rare 200+ yard throwing game, connecting with Willie Davis 3 times for 116 yards. Kansas City appeared to win on both sides of the ball, holding a normally proficient Stan Humphries under 200 yards with 2 picks, though the Chargers still won through sheer force of not existing in Kansas City.

Final Score: Chargers 17, Chiefs 14 (OT)

Minnesota (6-2) * Tampa Bay (4-4)
On the heels of a 2-game losing streak, the Vikings came out and showed Tampa Bay who the true pillagers of the NFC Central were. Terry Allen and Reggie Cobb cancelled each other out with a similar 82 yards rushing, while Rich Gannon cancelled out every other one of his games so far this season with a shocking 230 yards throwing and completing 80% of his passes. Cris Carter continues his breakout campaign with 111 receiving yards and making sure his Minnesota teammates continue to live in the 'ecstasy' of leading the NFC Central after 9 games.

Final Score: Vikings 31, Buccaneers 7

Buffalo (4-4) * Pittsburgh (4-4)
In perhaps the most important game to feature two teams combined at .500, Pittsburgh scores late to win their fourth game in a row and move closer to contending in their division. Buffalo's struggles continue despite another strong Thurman Thomas performace of 93 yards on 11 attempts, with Jim Kelly suffering weekly amnesia and forgetting who's on his receiving corps. Pittsburgh proved they could win on an off-day from Barry Foster, who's 89 yards seemed underwhelming compared to his past efforts, and the Steelers are finally appearing to be the mustachioed monsters we predicted them to be before Week 1.

Final Score: Steelers 20, Bills 16

4:00 Games

Dallas (4-4) * Detroit (2-6)

Daryl Johnston's favorite team coasts through this contest behind Emmitt Smith not only running for 84 yards, but also picking up 76 on 3 receptions from Troy Aikman, who only missed 8% of his passes. Barry Sanders, who's been non-existent all season, was literally non-existent during the game, leaving Rodney Peete to lead the team in rushing yards with 29 on 5 attempts. Dallas keeps pace with Washington in the wild card race, though with the NFC West still in the conference they may need to win out to even be considered.

 

Final Score: Cowboys 28, Lions 14

Philadelphia (6-2) * L.A. Raiders (4-4)

The Eagles do what they needed to keep their division mates at arm's length, with the difference in this game being a Roger Ruzek kick. The odds increased for a Raiders win in the first quarter when Jay Schroeder got knocked out, though Todd Marinovich's effectiveness was still surprising as he led his team from down 17 to within a heart-breaking 3. Eric Dickerson proved his worth as a receiver, catching 105 yards when Philadelphia's front seven kept him from moving forward, though this loss may be the final nail in a Raiders' coffin that already has about a dozen other final nails.

Final Score: Eagles 27, Raiders 24

N.Y. Giants (3-5) * Green Bay (2-6)

Rodney Hampton returned for the Giants, though the bastard cousins of New York continued to underwhelm against a tumbling Packers team, giving Green Bay their first win in 5 tries. Hampton still looked bugged, losing the yardage game to Jarrod Bunch who only found 45 yards on the field. Sterling Sharpe couldn't be stopped, catching 122 of Brett Favre's 198 yards throwing, until he was stopped with an injury in the third quarter. In other news, word has it Jeff Hostetler somehow made it safely out of the stadium in an armored bus headed for Central America after the game. 

Final Score: Packers 26, Giants 17

San Francisco (7-1) * Atlanta (6-2)

The Falcons make it a 3-way in the NFC West with their second vanquishing of the 49ers after a field goal off the foot of a normally inconsistent Norm Johnson. Tom Rathman was San Francisco's offense, scoring twice on 67 yards rushing, as Steve Young continued to flounder against the Falcons. Though Chris Miller hardly proved a leaning pole for his team, he was pulled out by Steve Broussard's day of 108 yards on 17 carries. Though the 49ers put up a valid complaint of having to travel across the country for a divisional game, the Falcons proved to be good sports by handing them complimentary bibs and hankies. 

Final Score: Falcons 17, 49ers 14 (OT)

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The winless Phoenix Cardinals will be featured in our Monday Night Football contest against the Los Angeles Rams, who are suffering themselves in their own freakish division. Perhaps what the Cardinals need is a featured game to cross over the hump, as their offense has been anything but inept behind a career year for quarterback Chris Chandler while Johnny Bailey, coming in from Chicago, has been the Renaissance Man for their ground and special teams attack. The Rams, despite playing at a respectable .500, absolutely need this win to remain in the chase in their own division. Though it should be a walk-over on paper, they've been playing beneath themselves, and their inconsistency could be their downfall against a hungry Cardinals team. Expect lots of balls in the air when Chandler and Jim Everett take the field against each other, though the win may come down to who has the biggest ones in their pants.