Looking Ahead: Week Eleven

We welcome all 28 teams back to the fold (until Week 14, when Phoenix and Minnesota weirdly skirt off into a closet somewhere). And just in time, too, as there's some business to settle this week. There's still a chance for all teams to make noise, as nobody's yet mathematically eliminated, but for the most part it's going to be a grind to the end for some divisions to split apart. Luckily the return to a 14-game format brings with it some interesting divisional clashes. Also, it's the first time since Week 8 that we get to see Albert Bentley and Derrick Fenner compete for your affection!

San Francisco took back control of the NFC West with a win last week, and now must visit the surging Saints in New Orleans. While we've focused in on the NFC East and AFC West log-jam, a Saints win could potentially lead to a three-way struggle--something Joe Montana's well-accustomed to.

The Giants look to get back on track after losing for the first time in six games by kicking around the division's doormat, the Phoenix Cardinals. The Giants No.2-ranked run defense should hold Johnny Johnson in check, so all they need to worry about is how much Timm Rosenbach blood their wives will have to wash out of their whites.

Philadelphia got back into the race last week, and now welcome a fading Browns team for a chance to keep moving in the right direction within their division. It's a battle of nameless QBs, which historically is only the second time since a 1977 game between the LA Rams and St Louis Cardinals.

Despite what you've heard, these teams did exist in 1977

Miami's hit a soft spot in their schedule, facing the New England Patriots only one week after destroying the Colts. The Dolphins made a mockery of NFL parity when they beat New England in Week 6 with a basketball score, which is funny since the Miami Heat were just seen lacing the Boston Celtics' shoes last week.

The Raiders were surging earlier in the season, but fell back to earth and now stand two games out of first behind the Denver Broncos. They meet in Denver with a chance for redemption and a game in the standings after losing a close one in Week 2. There's also a chance that Jay Schroeder may not get lost at the airport.

Indianapolis is looking for their first win since Week 3, and could end the league's longest losing streak in a very winnable game against the New York Jets. While the Jets started their own 2-game winning streak against the Colts in Week 8, signs of a turnaround started showing as soon as Ken O.Brien lost his year's salary playing craps in Atlantic City two nights ago.

In a game where both teams are hungry for a win to stay in the hunt, we're looking for the Chiefs to bury the Rams' hopes for a rare division championship. The Chiefs need the win more, and we think they'll take advantage of a struggling Rams team that's won once in the last four games, and never in scariest uniform contest.

San Diego and Seattle meet for the second time in three weeks, and once again it's in a first-place tiebreaker. The Chargers flopped against Seattle, with BJ Tolliver only completing one stinking pass, but now they're at home and the probability of at least doubling that amount is a strong 20%.

You can't spell Tolliver without 'E-L-I-T-E'

Detroit and Tampa Bay will supposedly play a game.

The afternoon begins with a huge division rematch, as Minnesota travels to Chicago to play the only team that's beaten them this year. The Bears need another win here to stay alive, a statement I probably would have branded you for saying after Week One.

The Redskins are looking for a second chance to move ahead in their division, after giving the game away to Houston last week. They'll travel to Atlanta to match up against a Falcons team with nothing left to play for this season but Mike Rozier's dignity and a bag of used footballs for next year.

In what may have been the game of the week had we not forgotten about the teams actually in our featured game, Buffalo heads over to Green Bay for their first real challenge in weeks. Green Bay was a strong contender for a division crown earlier this year, but have lost some inexplicable games. Look for the Packers to get back on track and delay another Bills' tear to a division crown, and for Ed West to crush a small child during his 3 Lambeau Leaps.

Houston and Dallas will meet in a Lone Star State battle, in a game that carries much more importance for the Cowboys than the Oilers. While Warren Moon has already booked a room in Nashville, the site of this year's Tecmo Bowl, Tommie Agee is still paying off his hotel room in Philadelphia by washing dishes.

And finally, our Monday Night game features the final two teams we've not yet seen, Boomer's Bengals and Bubby's Steelers. It's an AFC Central battle between two 4-5 teams looking for bragging rights and a chance to put a little heat on Houston. While we like the cut of Bubby's jib, Cincinnati has James Brooks and a guy named 'Ickey', while Pittsburgh's lone claim to fame is Bryan Hinkle's failed 'Steel City Selects' line of pickled vegetables.

"If it doesn't say 'Hinkle', throw away that pickle!"

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AFC

NFC

Monday Night Football: Houston vs. Washington

It's a battle for continued Tecmo dominance, but Houston's showing a steadiness the Redskins' defensive line can only hope to grope for. Mark Rypien was one of the better quarterbacks early on in the year, but Warren Moon has more than surpassed him, both statistically and debonaire-ally. With a win, the Oilers move up to the top shelf of the AFC, and further separate themselves from their sick little brothers in their division. Washington tells a different tale, as a win puts them in sole possession of first in the NFC East, but a loss can make playoff calculating more of a task than third-year trigonometry. They meet in the nation's capital for an inter-conference battle with Tecmo Bowl implications. Who wants it more? We're not totally sure, but we have heard whispers about a former member of the dreaded Bermuda Triangle sniffing another NFL title. After all, going into somewhere and not coming back out sounds a lot like Houston's perennial playoff funk.


Quarter One

Not even using that weird "MAN-EMPTY AIR" hack

Although unpredictability is Houston's modus operandi, they go against their nature and elect to receive. Gerald McNeil sludges his way to the Oilers 39-yard line, where Warren Moon is acquainted with Washington's Darryl Grant on the first play from scrimmage for a loss of 9 yards. Moon shakes it off, flashes a smile at the sidelines for a quick $600 bucks, and throws a 70-yard touchdown to a very understatedly wide-open Drew Hill. Darryl Grant goes back to the sidelines a now jaded and bitter old man.

Houston leads 7-0

From his own end zone, Brian Mitchell bobs and weaves out to the Washington 25-yard line. Mark Rypien throws a laser shot to Ricky Sanders about 20 yards away, but he trips two defenders with his size 17 shoes and lugs all the way to the Houston 17-yard line. A Gary Clark reverse is good for 2 yards and three minutes off the clock, while Earnest Byner takes off another minute with a 14-yard scamper into the end zone.
Score tied 7-7

Mr. McNeil uses his swift stork legs to get out to the Houston 25-yard line. Moon gets his obligatory 'Moon Sneak' play in for a yard, followed by the obligatory pass to Haywood Jeffries who surprisingly can't pull it down. On 3rd and 9, Lorenzo White takes the direct snap but is stuffed after only 2 yards.

Greg Montgomery gets some good hang time with a punt to the Washington 16-yard line, and the Redskins will take over at the turn of the next quarter.

Quarter Two
Rypien's first pass from scrimmage is blocked. Byner takes the ball around the left side for 2 yards. It's 3rd and 8 and the only person that's surprised when Byner zig-zags for 21 yards is my dog, who's strangely mistaken Byner for a squirrel and is barking at the screen. Rypien scrambles himself, but is less successful with only a 3 yard gain. The Redskins go with play-action, but Rypien's dinner plate misses a wide-open Byner by about 8 yards. On 3rd and 7, Byner makes the unselfish decision to only gain 2 and the 'Skins are punting.

The Oilers take possession at their own 20-yard line after Kelly Goodburn gives the football a rug-burn in one of the luxury suites. Lorenzo White takes the ball for 2 yards, while Moon tacks on another 4 with a scramble. On 3rd and 4, a pass to Drew Hill isn't just caught in coverage, it's absorbed at the Redskins' 43-yard line. White lulls the Redskins to sleep on the next play with a 2-yard run, opening Moon up to hit Curtis Duncan, who outraces the entire Washington defense 41 yards for another Houston touchdown.

Houston leads 14-7

He's not 'Monk'-eying around! (Okay, so I lost my
picture caption notes...)

Brian Mitchell, the one who's not a politician or news reporter, carries a poor Zendejas kick into Houston territory at the 45-yard line. Gary Clark bobbles and loses a rare pass, and so Rypien goes the other way to Art Monk for a sure 45-yard touchdown. This one's heating up faster than one of Chip Lohmiller's famous grilled cheese sandwiches.

Score tied 14-14
The Oilers get one play off before the half, and it's a pass to Hill that he surprisingly doesn't pull in, despite having the advantage of having two men hanging off of him.

Halftime - Oilers 14, Redskins 14

Quarter Three
Mitchell is the recipient of a second-half kick, and he's able to carry the ball from the 2 to the 24-yard line for Washington. Rypien wisely goes to Byner on first down, but it's unwisely overthrown to a Houston defender and Rypien's continuing a trend that looked almost impossible at the start of the season.

The Oilers take over at their own 42-yard line, where White is also stuffed on the first play. Moon goes to his man in Drew Hill, but the pass is blocked. Like the stubborn, cranky old man he is, he goes back to Hill, and is rewarded with a 58-yard catch-and-run touchdown. Meanwhile, Washington is wondering why they decided to triple-cover Don Warren on that particular play.

Houston leads 21-14

Thanks for the help, dismembered arms on the 3

Mitchell gives the Redskins another chance at their own 14-yard line. Rypien is sacked twice afterwards, both by Sean Jones, and he avoids a safety by the length of a Canadian inch (called a 'centimeter' for you non-worldly basement dwellers). On 3rd and 24, however, Byner gift-wraps the safety on Rypien's behalf, and the Oilers get the ball back.

Houston leads 23-14

McNeil takes the ball out to the 29-yard line to start the drive. White gets the ball twice, but can only net 4 yards and the Oilers are suddenly facing 3rd and 6. White saves time by taking the direct snap, and it pays off when he runs 24 yards into Washington territory. Moon takes the snap on the next two plays, but loses a total of 13 yards when Wilber Marshall and Tracy Rocker send him crashing to earth. Facing 3rd-and 24, Moon tries to redeem himself with a sneak up the middle, but can't get back into Washington territory and the 'Skins will be getting the ball back right before the fourth quarter.

Mitchell starts his team right on the 20-yard line, and Byner gets three yards as the clock winds out with Washington down by 10.

Quarter Four
Byner starts the quarter how he ended the last with a 3-yard trot. On 3rd-and-4, Rypien goes the other way with a sack, and his pass to Art Monk on 4th-and-9 from his own 22-yard line is harmlessly batted away.

Houston continues to hoard their gifts as they begin their drive deep in Redskins' territory. Tracy Rocker gains some yards for Washington when he sacks Moon for 9 yards, but Moon gets it back with a pass to Jeffries. On 3rd and 10, Moon sees pressure coming his way and lobs it behind him to White. Suddenly, Zendejas is kicking a field goal attempt from 38 yards, and it goes wide left to give Washington new life.

Rypien gets to work fast with a huge lob to Sanders that goes from the Washington 21-yard line to the Houston 12 in a matter of eight seconds. Byner gets the ball on first down, but Al Smith hits him at about 28 miles per hour, grinding him into yellow and maroon dust. Rypien logically overthrows Monk in the back of the end zone, just so that he can hit him wide open on the next play for a 12-yard touchdown to put the 'Skins within two.

Houston leads 23-21

Not to be confused with the kind of blocking Ernest Givins
will be doing to Lorenzo White at the hotel tonight

Lohmiller gets involved in the Houston effort by only getting his kick to the 25-yard line, to which McNeil returns 21 yards near midfield. With 1:37 to go, White takes the ball for a conservative 1-yard run. 13 seconds later, White gains another 6, and Washington quickly takes its last time out with 1:10 to go. Needing the stop, the Redskins defense drops back when they see Moon in the gun. His pass to Hill is fortunately blocked, and suddenly RFK Stadium is falling apart faster than Congress as Washington will be getting the ball back with an entire fifty seconds left on the clock.

Montgomery goes for hang time over distance, but gets both when his punt goes for a touchback and takes 21 seconds off the clock. With 29 seconds left and needing to practically flip the field, Rypien goes with play action and is sacked by John Grimsley, effectively sealing it for Houston. With only 12 seconds left and no time-outs to stop the clock, Rypien drops back looking for Hail Mary mother of Grace. But since he missed church yesterday, the out of bounds paint keeps moving further away as he heads towards it, while the sands of time drop away.

Final: Oilers 23, Redskins 21

Another bull shit win on a bull shit safety for the Oilers, and pardon my snooty foreign language usage, but I can only watch Houston go into the playoffs so many times on wins like this before I smash some cupcake on my computer monitor. Luckily, the Redskins loss came with a fun scenario in the NFC East, the one thing I've written about more than Cortez Kennedy's remarkable thighs, therefore keeping both cupcake and monitor safe for another night. With a slightly better game, Rypien could have carried his team to a win, but it's hard to out-do the out-doable in Warren Moon. And while I didn't pick this game to watch a running battle between Lorenzo White and Earnest Byner, I of course wasn't let down by their magnificent display of ineptitude. So why did I pick this game? Oh, I don't know. Probably because I knew there'd be a lot of sky blue font, which happens to be one of my favorite colors.

Week Ten: Moments in Greatness

We're in double digit weeks, folks, and although I should commend all of our Tecmo teams for continuing to persevere through this thing, I have to give credit where credit is due and say wow, I am really a dedicated and hard working individual. I've shown signs of being a true leader, and when most would have given up by now, I continue to forge ahead for better or worse, all for the sake of the team. Okay, so I didn't get the job I've been temping for 16 months at and am currently trying to justify my worthiness, and so to say I know how backup Oilers QB Cody Carlson feels is a bit of an understatement.

1:00 Games

San Francisco (4-4) at Atlanta (2-6)

The Falcons led this one into the fourth quarter, but Joe "Spanish for Mountains" Montana uncorked for a game-winning drive that put him over Chris Miller for passing yards. Other than that, the game was pretty even and may have even been somewhat exciting to watch, if not otherwise very predictable. What was perhaps the most fun stat of the game was Shawn Collins pulling down 3 completions for 95 yards  and a few scores, after averaging only one reception per game. Either this is a sign of a promising future for the Tecmo Falcons, or a bad omen of things to come.

Final Score: 49ers 28, Falcons 24

Indianapolis (2-6) at Miami (6-2)

Remember when the Colts were 2-1 and we were hearing whispers about a possible playoff run by Jeff George? Well, they fail to get back into the race for one more week when he offers up two picks despite out-throwing Dan Marino 175 yards to 173. Marc Logan was the story of the 'Phins offense with 7 runs and 102 yards, whereas Albert Bentley had a few stories of his own for the other barflies at the Sand Bar & Grill.

Final Score: Dolphins 35, Colts 21

Chicago (4-4) at Detroit (1-7)

The Bears lose an almost predictable game in the Motor City to fall behind in the NFC Central race. Barry Sanders roared his way to 143 yards on 10 runs, while Rodney Peete had a successful day with only 1 interception and, while only throwing 124 yards, actually out-threw Jim Harbaugh who could only find his receivers for 64 yards. Eerily, Detroit's second win of the season comes with the same score as their first.

Final Score: Lions 16, Bears 14

Cincinnati (4-4) at Cleveland (3-5)

Cleveland takes another game from the Bungles to win the pride of Ohio. QB Browns had his best game since the last time the teams met with 334 passing yards and a few TDs, and the 21 point deficit the Browns made up in the fourth quarter was pretty astounding. It keeps the Bengals from clawing their way back into the race, while also putting the Browns within striking distance of a .500 record.

Final Score: Browns 35, Bengals 28

Buffalo (6-2) at New England (1-7)

The Bills never relinquished the lead in this one, and some experts are surprised that Buffalo even put on pads for the game. Thurmanator Thomas Cyberdyned his way to 147 rushing yards on 12 runs, while also leading the team in receiving with 117 for 264 all-purpose yards. Steve Grogan tore loose for 282 yards, but when most of those are counting the air beneath each pass, it's more like a net of 57 total yards. The Bills keep up with Miami in a two-team race in the AFC East, while the Patriots pull within one game closer of clinching all new levels of suckitude.

Final Score: Bills 28, Patriots 17

Minnesota (8-1) at Tampa Bay (4-4)

In a game where an average Tecmo division leader would have coughed up the victory, the Vikings just keep winning. This time it was convincing, with 19 first downs and 179 combined rushing yards by the men in purple. Hassan Jones went out early, but still led in receiving with 69 yards. The Buccaneers drop to 4-5, and will now be stuck with taking the Bears to the Homecoming Dance instead of their first choice, the Montreal Alouettes.

Final Score: Vikings 31, Buccaneers 17

Phoenix (1-8) at Dallas (4-4)

Dallas wins the first of the three big NFC East match-ups this week with none other than Mr. Agee leading in rushing with 82 yards on 7 touches. Emmitt Smith was still involved with 160 yards and 4 receptions, leading the team and Johnny Johnson, who finished with 36 yards, an average of 6 per touch. The Cardinals drop off the bubble, while the Cowboys still have a chance at some bubbly by the end of this thing.

Final Score: Cowboys 31, Cardinals 14

4:00 Games

New York Giants (5-3) at Philadelphia (4-4)

When Philadelphia scored late in the 4th quarter and ended the Giants' winning streak at 5, the world stopped. Then its course reversed when it realized the Eagles won with Keith Byars rushing for only 32 yards on 11 touches. Matt Bahr was the scapegoat in this one, missing an extra point in the 2nd quarter, while those in the know will probably look past that and blame the Tecmo programmers for making missed PATs such a common statistic. Between Dallas' win and the outcome here, it now falls on the Redskins to avoid a 4-team clusterfuck in the division. We won't hold our breath though, no matter how rank the air is in D.C.

Final Score: Eagles 17, Giants 16

Pittsburgh (4-4) at Denver (5-3)

The Steelers add a few more cakes to the Oilers' walk for a division crown by dropping this one in Denver. Neither team scored in the second half, and it appears neither even played with the final lines showing Bubby Brister throwing 121 yards and 4 interceptions, and John Elway nearly matching him with 158 yards and 2 picks of his own. Denver takes advantage with the rest of its division on bye and pulls within a 3-team tie at the top.

Final Score: Broncos 14, Steelers 10

New York Jets (2-6) at Green Bay (6-2)

Ken O.Brien keeps his team statistically in the race with Blair Thomas carrying his team on 96 rushing yards and the Jets defense picking off Don Majkowski thrice. New York was all but out of it, but their second win in as many games has them busting out from the swampy bog of the AFC East where the Colts and Patriots currently feed. The Packers watch the gap between them and the Vikings widen, but Majkowski holds on to his league lead in touchdowns with 28, twice as many as Wade Wilson, and strangely enough the same proportion of women in his hotel room every night.

Final Score: Jets 24, Packers 21

Los Angeles Rams (5-3) at New Orleans (3-5)

In a very necessary game for the Rams to win, they aren't even close with the Saints busting loose at home and now back in the very winnable NFC West race. While Jim Everett did put up some decent statistics, his inability to complete 100% of his passes like Steve Walsh ultimately led to his demise and kept him from being put among the elite in the NFL, a place for which Walsh is currently picking out carpeting.

Final Score: Saints 38, Rams 23

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The Oilers' plane could go down somewhere in the Appalachians and they'd still have a winning week with everyone close to them in their division going down for the count. Washington, on the other hand, has some work to do to keep a step ahead of a division that each team is daring the other to lose. A loss could put Joe Gibbs' Redskins into a four-way tie in a four-team division plus the practice squad Cardinals. While that should be enough motivation for Mark Rypien to get back on track at home and knock the silent but streaking Oilers back into humility, there's an added level of retribution after Rypien caught Moon at a Kings/Flames game wearing a 'Canada Sucks' t-shirt.

I knew we'd seen this scene before...thanks Upper Deck!