Week Four: Pretenders in Peril

A quarter of the season will be completed by the end of this page, and we'll have an even better notion of that infamous split between contenders and pretenders. So far there have been some exciting bursts by the undefeated Chargers, the untested Browns, and the undeniably gross but charming Colts. However, the Bills are storming back while the 49ers are ready to pounce on the division-leading Rams. And in the Monday Night Football competition, the L.A. Raiders and Atlanta Falcons are simply trying to avoid a 0-0 tie, which is the over-under right now in Vegas. Who's got the gas to turn the page on the first quarter of the season and keep going? Find out if those early season underdogs are for real, or if they are puttering pretenders in peril.

1:00 Games

Like two brothers in the backseat of a long car ride,
but marginally more agitating

Pittsburgh (1-2) at Philadelphia (2-1)

The battle for Pennsylvania bragging rights is about as rewarding as winning a coffee mug with your company's logo tattooed on it at the end of the year raffle, but the Eagles claim those rights fair and square here with a decisive win over the Steelers. While the mystery of QB Eagles' disappearing ground game rages on, his 295 passing yards more than makes up for his inability to surpass Keith Byars' team-leading 30 rushing yards. Philadelphia moves to within a half game of the Washington Rypiens.

Final Score: Eagles 34, Steelers 7

New England (1-2) at Houston (3-0)

New England was looking to ride a one-game winning streak into Houston for another victory, but unfortunately for them, they ran into the three-game undefeated streak of Warren Moon and the Oilers. Grogan's Patriots hung on for as long as they could, but giving up 14 unanswered points in the 4th quarter was a poor decision on Coach Dick MacPherson's part. Warren Moon passed for over 250 yards, but it was his 46 rushing yards on the day that really tells the story of where New England may have gone wrong.

Final Score: Oilers 31, Patriots 28

Kansas City (2-1) at Seattle (2-1)

In the first of a big AFC West double-header, the Chiefs traveled to Seattle to loosen up a big logjam in the division. It was the Seahawks, however, that broke away in this one with a tight victory to rectify their poor performance last week. Though Dave Krieg and Steve De Berg only combined for 340 yards passing, they lucked out in the fact that it wasn't a nationally televised game this time, and we can only hope the final score meant that it was an exciting and hard-fought affair between bitter division rivals.

Final Score: Seahawks 20, Chiefs 17

Tecmo's theorem leads us to believe that when an opposing
team catches more passes than your own, the end result
is usually a wildly embarrassing defeat

Denver (2-1) at San Diego (3-0)

After a convincing win last week, Denver visited the sunny southern California town of San Diego in this afternoon's second AFC West showdown, and promptly tore the Chargers a new one. The Broncos controlled the game from the first quarter on, shutting San Diego out after only one touchdown. While John Elway was his normally proficient self, Billy Joe Tolliver far and away exceeded all expectations of an undefeated quarterback who was desperate for some cold, dirty cash with his three interceptions and 15 total yards passing.

Final Score: Broncos 28, Chargers 7

Cincinnati (1-2) at Washington (3-0)

The Tecmo Bowl's third undefeated team, the Washington Redskins, invited the woefully mediocre Bengals to town, and immediately laid a stinkier egg than one found underneath Dad's recliner, eight months after Easter. Cincinnati didn't score in the second half, but apparently didn't have to as the Redskins failed to score the appropriate amount of points to win the game. James Brooks was the hero for the Bengals with 99 rushing yards on twelve attempts, and while the Redskins walked away losers, Mark Rypien still didn't throw an interception, so there's that.

Final Score: Bengals 17, Redskins 14

Minnesota (2-1) at New Orleans (1-2)

Craig Heyward goes out in the third quarter, plugging a few more nails in the coffin of not only this game for the Saints, but most likely their season. The Vikings' backs combine for 113 rushing yards on 16 attempts, good for about $64M worth of Herschel Walker's contract. Minnesota is on the rise quickly after their ugly shutout to the Bears in Week One, but their knack for choking down the stretch is about as famous as Rick Fenney's white-collar crime career.

Final Score: Vikings 27, Saints 10

Miami (2-1) at Green Bay (2-1)

The Dolphins are the second losers from the AFC East today, making it more and more inevitable that the Bills will nudge their way back into first place. Don Majkowski was less than magical with two picks, but his ability to throw for more than the 22 yards that Tony Paige racked up against the Packers defense was apparently enough to save Green Bay and keep pace within the NFC Central clusterfudge.

Final Score: Packers 27, Dolphins 14

As always, Colossal Letdowns Everyday will never
overcome Greatness In Action

Cleveland (2-1) at New York Giants (0-3)

A good cure for any ailing team, the Browns pulled into the Big Apple, and then swiftly pulled out before getting Phil Simms pregnant by losing the all-important fourth quarter battle. Tied going into the final frame, New York finally put some real offense on display, scoring 17 unanswered points. Cleveland abandoned their effective running game early, and in the end Kevin Mack ended up with more receiving yards than rushing, which is never a formula for success.

Final Score: Giants 38, Browns 21

4:00 Games

Buffalo (2-1) at Tampa Bay (1-2)

The Buccaneers just fell short in this one, scoring 14 points in the 4th quarter. Unfortunately, the head start of 28 they gave the Bills may have been just a touch too many, and it probably wouldn't be exaggerating to say that the 175 yards rushing they allowed to Thurman Thomas sealed this season's death certificate. Buffalo rides into first place, and with a Detroit upset of Indianapolis (let that one sink in for a while), there they will ride alone for more than likely the remainder of the season.

Final Score: Bills 28, Buccaneers 17

Like an aged wine, seeing the 49ers lose is better with
cheese and a good helping of Willie Anderson

San Francisco (1-2) at L.A. Rams (2-1) 

All eyes were on Los Angeles for this marquee match-up of what many saw as a contender (the 49ers) and a pretender (the Rams). The lines fizzled even more, however, when the Rams pulled away in the fourth quarter to take a decisive lead in their division over San Francisco. Jim Everett played like a man in charge of his own destiny, with 329 passing yards and an 85% completion rate. There's still plenty of time for this magical Rams season to implode and for the 49ers to rip out our hearts again, so that's why I'm steeling myself with military-grade armor and locking myself into my underground nuclear fallout shelter.

Final Score: Rams 28, 49ers 17

Phoenix (0-3) at Dallas (2-1)

The redbirds of the southwest squander their chances at a first win by letting Dallas score twice in the fourth quarter. Modern Tecmo score-reading would suggest that Timm Rosenbach's inability to connect with his own receivers and Emmitt Smith's capability to run all the way across Texas and back for 152 yards were the deciding factors of this game, but I like to buck tradition and say that the Cardinals just plain suck, and couldn't win even if they traveled into the future, cloned Johnny Johnson ten more times, and ran every play inside the red zone.

Final Score: Cowboys 24, Cardinals 14

New York Jets (1-2) at Chicago (2-1)

This inter-conference match-up had about as much appeal as a half-filled bottle of Fanta in the trunk of my car, but in the end it's a game I wish I'd actually watched. It was a game of contradictions, with winning quarterback Jim Harbaugh lobbing up 3 interceptions. It was a game of incredible grit, ending in overtime with a rare touchdown. And finally, it was a game where Neal Anderson rushed 17 times for 286 yards, and where Jets' defensive coordinator Pete Carroll was seen on the sidelines with a noticeable chocolate-brown oval on the seat of his pants.

Final Score: Bears 34, Jets 28 (Overtime)

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Tonight will be our final night of NBC's Football Night in America until the bye weeks are over in Week 11. Before you start moping around the house and letting your bills pile up, please be aware that this is for our collective good, as too much Tecmo can lead to an unfulfilled addiction and violent withdrawals during the rest of the week. Also, it will keep us from having more chances to witness debacles like tonight's match-up of the combined 0-6 Los Angeles Raiders and Atlanta Falcons. While Chris Miller is certain to throw for 45 yards and 3 picks, we at The Tecmo Bowl are still unsure how the Raiders plan to use what should be an unstoppable tandem of Bo Jackson and Marcus Allen. The fact that Los Angeles is still 0-3 with these guys alarms us to no end. We're hoping for Raiders fans to black out the Georgia Dome with these 'Bo Knows Tecmo' shirts (available from the Tecmo Repository), so that Art Shell will limit the possibility of Jay Schroeder throwing his team away into obscurity.

If only I had this fashion sense in high school, I could
have substituted swirlies with quiet, sympathetic glances

Yours truly

Looking Ahead: Week Four

In football itself, not much can be discerned from the first quarter of a game. Likewise, the first quarter of a season, while rife with excitement, tells us little about what to expect going forward. Will a team lunge forward right before the halfway point, preparing for a second half surge? Will a team crumble over the next few games, and fall too far back to stay in the fight? Week four presents some interesting match-ups, and some teams, while not quite facing must-win games, may find it harder to get back in the race if they can't jump the hurdle here. It's also the last week before teams have byes, so records will still make sense until about Week 11.

The early games on Sunday present a few key divisional match-ups, as well as some interesting inter-conference shake-downs that aren't exactly Super Bowl previews. After a career-defying game by Steve Grogan last week, the Patriots visit Houston to take on one of the few remaining undefeated teams in the Oilers and Warren Moon. It'll be an air-battle, with Moon throwing up gravity-defying passes, and Grogan passing up gravity-eating throws past the moon. While we hate to see teams lose here at Tecmo, a New England upset of Houston would just be good for the game of football, and strangely enough, put the Patriots within a half game of first place.

Another win, and Denver can continue their strange
suggestive celebrating to all of our collective disgust

After getting toasted by John Elway and the buckin' Broncos of Denver, Seattle welcomes Kansas City for a second straight divisional battle at home. The Chiefs lost their game last week as well, and both are looking up at the undefeated Chargers in the standings. Both teams will be itching to get back in the win column, and though it's early, a loss here would seem devastating with how much the West is living up to its wild nickname. Meanwhile, a battle will be brewing in San Diego at the same time, with the suddenly back-in-it Broncos visiting San Diego for what they hope is a winning end to their divisional road trip swing. That last statement shouldn't be confused with B.J. Tolliver's love for swinging in the offseason, in which he is always a winner.

With names like 'Mack', 'Slaughter', and 'Joines', Cleveland
easily strikes fear into any opponents' hearts

The early afternoon games also include some rousing inter-conference clashes, starting with Miami visiting Green Bay. The Packers return home with a 2-1 record, matching the division-leading Dolphins and their overlord Dan Marino. While the cold tundra isn't the most welcoming environment for the boys from the sunny south beach, it appears Miami is the more locked-in team right now--whereas Packer fans are simply hoping the team locks Majkowski away before he returns to earth. Also, the surprising 2-1 Browns visit the winless Giants. It's an important game for New York and their flickering playoff hopes, while the Browns are hoping the playoffs begin after this week. As exciting as the Browns have been, the Giants are too good a team to lose four in a row to start the season, just as Phil Simms is too mustache-less to be called a real man.

The late afternoon games include Buffalo visiting Tampa Bay and stealing all their players' wives, while Phoenix attempts a comeback tour in Dallas. The Jets also go to Chicago, my sources tell me. But the biggest match-up late Sunday will be San Francisco visiting Los Angeles to settle a few scores, most coming from Montana to Rice. The Rams shot to a quick 2-0 lead, while San Francisco has dropped the last two, to the surprise of all Tecmo fans and most Vegas bookies that have been following this blog. The 49ers can leap into a first place tie with Los Angeles, which is the obvious choice, but a Rams win would put enough distance in the early part of the season to give the Rams some breathing room, which they'll need after chasing Tom Rathman all over the field.

Football Night in America is brought to you from the Georgia Dome in Atlanta, where two elite teams on a crash course will meet, both bringing a sense of pride and intense determination to accomplish the same goal: win a game. Atlanta and the Los Angeles Raiders are the janitors of their respective divisions, cleaning the basement after hours while the teams above them party together, dancing to club beats and snorting lines with hundred-dollar bills in the bathrooms. Maybe that's an over-exaggeration; however, we wouldn't be over-exaggerating if we said that Jay Schroeder plans on throwing more interceptions than yards, while Chris Miller will be happy if anyone will catch his passes, on either side of the ball.

Barry Sanders' 11.5 yards per carry with no touchdowns
would have befuddled fantasy owners everywhere

And finally, the first quarter of our exciting Tecmo Bowl season concludes with a Monday Night Football match-up that was originally intended as a means to involve every team in a featured game, and eventually turned into a quizzically interesting showdown. Indianapolis visits Detroit, owning a 2-1 record and, depending on what happens in the earlier games, a chance to keep pace with the division leader(s). Detroit, meanwhile, hasn't won a single game, but, also depending on what happens, has a chance to keep pace within their division as well. The Lions are dead-last in total offense, while the Colts are 26th overall in defense, which either means this will be a dud of a game, or perhaps the most exciting throw-down since the XFL.

My references are bookmarked below, so please don't delete this entry, Wikipedia:

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AFC

NFC

Monday Night Football: Washington vs. Phoenix

And he's got a Score card to prove it!

It's Monday Night Football, and tonight presents an NFC East showdown between one-time Man of the Year Mark Rypien along with his Washington Redskins against the winless Phoenix Cardinals. So far the Redskins have been improbably good, and most of it is due to Rypien's even more improbably perfect statistics. We could go on and on about Rypien, but that would give us less time to mention his daughter and how good she looks in a black, lacy bra. While her passer rating may not ever eclipse her father's, her bust size does, and for that we have to give the man props despite what may happen on tonight's stage. Although Phoenix, as expected, has netted just zero wins to this point, they are primed to play the part of the spoiler--especially against a fellow NFC East opponent--and with the unstoppable force that is Johnny Johnson on their side, the odds are that much better. Let's head to Phoenix now, where it's said the sun never sets; unless you're talking about the Cardinals' playoff hopes.



Quarter One
The Redskins are the winners of the coin toss, which gives them the option to kick or receive. They take the road traveled very heavily and elect to receive. Brian Mitchell gets them to the Washington 46 for promising field position, and Mark Rypien takes his perfect passer rating to the field for the first play of the game, which is an Ernest Byner run for no gain. Smartly enough, Joe Gibbs calls for the same play on second down, and when it's run for no gain again, Gibbs retires and offensive coordinator Don Breaux takes over. Breaux decides to run things a little differently around here, and asks for Ernest Byner to take it up the middle this time. While the play is successful in regards that it was run for positive yards, it did not net the necessary 10 yards for a first down and Kelly Goodburn is on to punt from near midfield.

Looks like one unnamed Redskin had to stop for a breath
at the 49 yard line

The Cardinals take the field, and the Phoenix fans in attendance groan their disappointment. Their displeasure is heard loud and clear by Charles Mann, who busts through the Phoenix front unchallenged and takes Rosenbach to the dirt. Unfazed, Rosenbach is up in a matter of ten minutes or so, and the next play is a Johnny Johnson run up the gut. Like a Cardinal possessed, Johnson busts through the middle, kicks off a few blockers, and shoots across the field at the speed of Eric Metcalf for a 55-yard gain to the Redskins 30. A dunk to Ernie Jones for 14, followed by two runs from Johnson for 10 and the Cardinals are facing first and goal with the length of Vai Sikahema's name to go. Joe Bugel pulls out the 'Worst Plays to Use in the Red Zone' Playbook and calls for a flea flicker, which meets an amazing failure even by flea flicker standards. Two goal line stands by the underrated Redskins defense, including one blitz of Rosenbach, and Phoenix blows their first and probably only chance for a statement score and Al Del Greco is on to nobody's excitement for three points.

Phoenix leads 3-0

Although the Cardinals didn't get the amount of points they were streaking towards, they did succeed in wiping out ample amounts of clock time, and by the time Washington takes the kickoff and runs a few meaningless plays, the punter is on again with time running out in the quarter.

Quarter Two
The Cardinals take another touchback, and Rosenbach is out to prove there can be more than one quarterback whose last name starts with an 'R' that can play above his head. His first piece of evidence is tossed out with an incomplete lob to Ricky Proehl. He's bailed out on the next play, however, when Coach Bugel runs the Proehl reverse for a loss of 5 yards. Undaunted, he calls for it again, shooing away any and all objections by the Phoenix coaching staff and thousands of television viewers, and it predictably loses another yard. Rich Camarillo on to punt.

Don't you dare tell him his name's too long for Tecmo screen

Rypien starts his team at the Washington 21, but is driven back 4 yards by a man known only to his mortal enemies as 'Freddie Joe Nunn'. Ernest Byner takes the ball on the next play for a positive 6 yards. Washington faces a possible third 3-and-out, but Rypien laughs his strange Canadian laugh in the face of his situation throws a beautiful rainbow pass to Art Monk for 35 yards into Phoenix territory. Two plays later and Rypien threads it to Monk again, but it's wildly overthrown and Monk only has the entire field open ahead of him. On 3rd and 10, Rypien meets the fate he dodged on the last series when the Gary Clark reverse is only good for 4 yards. Chip Lohmiller is out for his first attempt from 55 yards, but the kick sails wide left. Cardinals fans start hoping the NFL decides that a game should only last two quarters.

Phoenix takes over on downs at their own 37-yard line with 1:44 remaining. Their intelligently planned drive comes to a screeching halt right away when Rosenbach is sacked for a loss of 9 by Marcus "It's pronounced 'COOK'" Koch. Coach Bugel brings his team to the sidelines with a timeout to calm them down, but apparently Rosenbach missed the huddle when, on the next play, he runs out of the pocket screeching and lobs up an interception to Todd Bowles.

Washington drains some time off the clock with a Clark reverse that's good for 5 yards to the Phoenix 35-yard line. Coach Gibbs is back in his head coach position, and his conservative nature calls for a field goal from 50 yards out with 45 seconds left. Lohmiller over-corrects his last try and misses wide right this time, then tells his team "well there's a reason they only call me Chip and not 'Long Kick' Lohmiller". Gibbs retires again.

I only took high school physics, but even I know this is off...

3/4 of Cardinals fans are already in the bathroom right now

With 21 seconds left and Phoenix starting from an unpromising field position at their own 34, Coach Bugel calls for a meaningless Johnson run up the middle, which ends up going for 66 yards to paydirt. Bugel's wife reminds him later that night that it pays to lower people's expectations.

Phoenix leads 10-0

Halftime - Redskins 0, Cardinals 10




Quarter Three
Vai Sikahema returns the kick all the way to the Phoenix 15-yard line for their worst starting field position all day. Luckily for them, it's also a chance for a Johnny Johnson 85-yard touchdown run to put the game away. Unfortunately, however, it would seem that the Cardinals' offense has gone to the well one too many times, and Johnson is stuffed for a loss of 4 yards on 1st down. Attempting to reverse their luck, Phoenix runs the Proehl reverse, but the loss of 10 makes the first play look like a rousing success. On 3rd and 16, the play is blitzed by the Redskins defense, and Rosenbach nearly avoids a safety. Camarillo punts from the shadow of his own goal post.

They're missing "The Truth" from his name

From their own 42-yard line, Rypien gets to work fast, ripping one over the outstretched hands of Cedrick Mack to Gary Clark, who high-steps in for a 58-yard catch and run. That makes it eight touchdowns for Rypien with no picks, causing Phoenix fans to wonder if they've finally unleashed the beast.

Phoenix leads 10-7

The Cardinals start to feel the pressure cooker heating up, and decide to counteract the quick strike of Rypien by picking the Proehl reverse, good for only a loss of six yards this time. Two failed runs by Johnson bring on fourth down, and the panic button is firmly pressed on the Phoenix sideline.

The Redskins start at their own 20-yard line after a touchback. A Rypien blocked pass followed by a 5-yard loss by Earnest Byner puts Washington in a perilous 3rd and 15, and their promising start to the half is shut down by an important Eric Hill sack to get the ball back.

Phoenix uses the remaining 33 seconds of the quarter to run a Johnson pitch for 8 yards, followed by a Proehl reverse that all but wipes that gain out.

Quarter Four
On 3rd and 12, the Cardinals go all out with the flea flicker, but it's riskily and somewhat sadly picked by the Redskins defense and Phoenix loses an additional 11 yards. Camarillo's on, and the only star of the Cardinals' offense punts it down to the Washington 20-yard line. Pride of the Fighting Irish, Joe Howard returns the punt for a huge 17 yards before getting his head corked and needing medical assistance off the field.

The Phoenix cornerback apparently can't read 'X's'

Mark Rypien, apparently not having taken his bipolar meds all day, lobs a 51 yard pass to Ricky Sanders to threaten a lead mid-way through the quarter. Coach Gibbs is back on the field, scrambling for a headset, and screams for the Clark reverse. It's good for 4 yards, and across the field Coach Bugel is taking notes. Byner manages to run around the end of the Cardinals' defense while at the same time holding on to the ball, which makes it first and goal for the Redskins with 2 yards to go. A Byner run up the middle later, and Washington takes its first and very pivotal lead of the game.

Washington leads 14-10

With 2:39 remaining in the game, Rosenbach leads his offense out on to the field with calmness prevailing. Johnson once again leads the ground attack with a 4-yard rush, followed by another battle that's barely good for a first down. A fake reverse to Proehl nets Johnson another 5 yards, and Phoenix takes a timeout to figure out how the heck this is actually working. The clock shows 1:56 when Rosenbach tosses one to Walter Reeves for another first down and Phoenix finds themselves in Washington territory. The drive that could have been talked about for the next four hours on Sportscenter comes to a screeching halt, however, when Rosenbach heaves up an ill-timed pass to Proehl that Todd Bowles pulls down for his second pick of the day.

Coach Gibbs, who's already proudly boasting of his comeback, decides to throttle the Cardinals even more when he calls for a Rypien pass to Art Monk at the Cardinals' 34-yard line, which Monk easily takes in for a second score due to Phoenix running a blitz defense.

Washington leads 21-10

The Cardinals are on the sidelines orchestrating a huge comeback with plays designed to strike fast and catch Washington on its heels. While they are preparing this, Sikahema takes the kick and scrambles for about 30 seconds, which is just about enough time for the game clock to expire.

I'm proud to say this is in the running for Tecmo screenshot of the year

Final: Redskins 21, Cardinals 10

Rypien had another perfect night with two touchdowns and no interceptions, while Cardinals' QB Timm Rosenbach just got in the way of Johnny Johnson's pretty big performance of 149 rushing yards. It took Washington a while to get going, just long enough for hope to shine in through the slats of Sun Devil Stadium, but by quarter three they awoke and never stopped pouring it on. Phoenix falls to 0-3, which is predictable, but the Redskins running out an undefeated streak is nothing short of remarkable. I am halfway excited to see how long Rypien can stretch out this godlike performance, but not nearly as excited to see Angela Rypien in the next Seattle Mist calendar.

Football Night in America: Denver vs. Seattle

Many battles have been won or lost due to this very screen

Earlier today saw the fall of Kansas City to 2-1, and the surprising Chargers of San Diego remain undefeated. To keep pace atop the division, Seattle will need their defense to keep a watchful eye on John Elway and his knack for the big play. The Seahawks are at home, putting Dave Krieg at a disadvantage for when the inevitable booing commences, but if he can somehow keep the Seahawks in the game long enough for his defense to score a few times, then he may be able to avoid the snarky comments until he gets into bed with his wife tonight. It's a beautiful night for Sunday Night Football in Seattle, with the forecast not calling for rain for the next seven minutes.


Quarter One
Seattle wins the toss, and a Chris Warren dash out to the Seattle 45-yard-line puts the Seahawks in prime punting position to start the game. Dave Krieg marches out to a chorus of pre-teen girls shrieking and lifting their shirts, and he appeases them all on second down when he completes a pass to Brian Blades for a 50 yard gain. Krieg lifts his own jersey to reveal 'Kelly Stouffer Rocks Dick' tattooed on his chiseled abs. John L. Williams, emphasis on the 'L', carries the ball for 8 yards, and when Krieg overthrows Tommy Kane in the end zone it's 3rd and 2. Williams gets the ball again, but is blitzed, and Stormin' Norm Johnson is out to punch in the first points of the game after an underwhelming finish to the first Seattle drive.

Seattle leads 3-0

Johnson did eventually find the end zone on this play

Vance Johnson helps the Denver cause out with a return to the Broncos' 48-yard line to start the drive. Bobby Humphrey gets the early workload with a run up the middle for 6 yards, and then a long catch-and-run for 32. But it is Johnson himself who gets to wash in the glory after a reverse pitch sadly fools the usually stalwart Seattle defense and Denver takes the lead.

Denver leads 7-3

Warren continues the streak of good field position with a return to the Seattle 46-yard line. Derrick Fenner promptly wipes out 2 of those yards, but redeems himself on the next play with a carry of 13 that is fumbled out of bounds for a confusing first down. When he loses two yards on the next play, Krieg kicks him out of the huddle and goes to the air on second down. Ron Heller, prized tight end from THE Oregon State and Super Bowl ring possessor with the 49ers, pulls down an 18-yard pass for a first down; however, the promising young season for Heller is cut short as he's carried off the field with a noticeable limp. Krieg, understandably shaken by the loss of his star tight end, scrambles for a yard on the next play, and then throws an incompletion as the quarter comes to a suddenly somber end.

Johnson barely got this one over the moat

Quarter Two
On 3rd and 9, John L. Williams, who nobody has ever confused with a Hollywood composer of the same name, carries the ball for only a meaningless yard. Sure-footed Norm Johnson kicks the 42-yard attempt wide left and the Seahawks are putting their undefeated streak and the chance that someone will survive a Tommy Kane mugging after the game in jeopardy.

Denver takes over at their own 32-yard line, and Mike Horan is on to punt from the 31 after the Broncos net a grand total of -1 yards on the drive.

Ironically, the other John Williams composed a score for
this fumble recovery by the punter

Horan, hero of his 3-on-3 pick-up game last Wednesday afternoon, unleashes his Superman-cape again when he scoops up a Warren fumble. He returns it to the Seattle 19-yard line, and suddenly the Seahawks look as doomed as the three Kryptonians trapped in the Phantom Zone. The Seahawks defense once again stands strong on the drive, however, with a few blitzes of John Elway and Steve Sewell to force a David Treadwell kick. The Broncos take a 7 point lead.

Denver leads 10-3

Warren gets the ball out to the Seattle 38, and on his way off the field he shouts at Krieg that he doesn't want to see the ball again before the end of the half. Krieg obliges with two straight incompletions, and suddenly the Seahawks are quickly facing 3rd and 10 after some poor clock management from Tom Flores' squad. Luckily, a 43-yard reception from Tommy Kane breathes new life into the Seahawks' hopes for some points before halftime. A Williams fumble swiftly erases any chance of that, unless you want to give the Seattle offense style points for kicking the ball around for fifteen seconds.

Kind of exaggerating the turf toe, aren't we Bobby?

During Denver's next possession, a Seattle fan proposed to his girlfriend in front of the concession stands, and a baby's diaper had to be changed. Oh yes, and Bobby Humphrey was injured after a meaningless 6-yard run.

Halftime - Broncos 10, Seahawks 3

Quarter Three
Modern-day renaissance man Vance Johnson carries the return out to the Denver 39-yard line. Despite the lead, the Broncos have only been on the field for a combined three Tecmo minutes, hardly enough time to ruin John Elway's flowing quaff. Nonetheless, he dons his not-clashing-in-the-least blue and orange helmet and gets to work. A beautifully executed lob to Johnson on first down for 53 yards gets the Broncos to first and goal with 8 yards to go, a distance that Elway covers in about 56 seconds for their second touchdown of the game.

Denver leads 17-3

I wish my expected job duties had exclamation points, too.

Elway's off the field in just over a minute, and so the exhausted and overworked Seattle offense is back on and starting at their own 35. Williams is entrusted with a pitch that's good for 15 yards, while Fenner is entrusted to be on the field during the next play. He ends up getting involved, much to the displeasure of all the Seahawks fans and a majority of the coaches, and his net gain of -1 yards quietly and sadly vindicates their preconditions. Even when Krieg wildly overthrows Kane for an interception by Steve Atwater, the fans are still crying for Fenner's head.

Former Broncos star running back and Southern Mississippi alum Sammy Winder is in for Bobby Humphrey, and his return to greatness begins with a 2-yard loss. Sewell gets involved on the next play for a 13-yard gain, a yardage amount that is replicated on an unexpected, yet somehow very expected, Vance Johnson reverse. Dan Reeves seizes the moment, and just when Seattle is thinking that a Johnson reverse is too predictable, Denver runs the Johnson reverse for 11 more yards. Elway goes to the air on the next play and has a pass fall into the protecting arms of Mark Jackson, who falls down at the Seattle half-yard line. The Seahawks defense faces one of their toughest challenges of the day with a goal line stand on first down, and allowing the Johnson reverse go in for a touchdown makes Seattle fans everywhere wonder if there are more things challenging the Seahawks' defense than just football.

Denver leads 24-3

Warren, who has spent more time on the field and racked up more yards than the entire Seattle offense, takes the ball to the Seahawks' 48. Williams takes it for five more yards into Broncos' territory as the quarter expires.

Quarter Four
Williams converts his second positive-yardage play in a row for 9 yards. On first and 10, Krieg flings a pass for a 38-yard touchdown completion to Travis McNeil, and the Seahawks have scored their first touchdown at a point in the game where 75% of the Seattle fans didn't get to see it.

Denver leads 24-10

The swan song of Sammy Winder: is this finally his year?

An inspired monster kick and stuff of Vance Johnson at his own 9-yard line is enough to get the sidelines fired up. It should be taken into account, however, that it's the Denver sideline that's excited, knowing that they have enough field left to run down the clock and score a dagger. An Elway dunk to Winder is good for 14 yards, but his job isn't done yet. Winder takes the ball again for a long 43-yard run, reflecting shades of his former Super Bowl-losing caliber of play. Two plays later it's 3rd and 9, and as the clock slowly ticks away on Seattle's short undefeated season, the Seahawks' reclaim their dignity on a blitz of Elway that forces Treadwell to miss from 53 yards.

Krieg takes over on downs, and on the first play he has all day to find out which of his four wide-open receivers he wants to overthrow, eventually deciding on Williams. The next play is a run play involving the glory-robbed Williams, who runs for 10 yards and a first down. Seattle uses its last time out with 1:41 remaining, in order to call another wild overthrow of McNeal. His next pass is even less successful, when what seems like an innocent overthrow of Brian Blades is intercepted by Wymon Henderson.

Two Steve Sewell rushes have the clock running down to less than 10 seconds, and on third down Elway risks throwing the ball instead of kneeling like a good sport, but his interception-less day is safe when a nameless Seattle defender bats the ball away instead of pulling it in, cementing a barf-worthy effort by the now cast-aside Seahawks defense.

Final: Broncos 24, Seahawks 10

Dave Krieg took a dookie on the national stage, and now the Seahawks fall into a second place tie with their recent foes in Denver and the Barry Word-led offense in Kansas City. Elway was his normal charming self with a modest 126 yards of passing, but his no picks to Dave Krieg's two are the real sign of a seasoned quarterback versus an over-zealous amateur. While there is work to be done on Seattle's ground game, Denver seems to have found their blessing in disguise with Sammy Winder coming out of his back-up role into the primary Broncos halfback position. Important divisional match-ups lie ahead for both teams, and Denver has a chance to jump-start their suddenly very real hopes of a divisional championship next week against San Diego. Seattle, meanwhile, will hold on to their hopes of getting a mid-season trade of Derrick Fenner to Kansas City for Christian Okoye; a hope that holds as much flicker as Krieg's chances of healing his chlamydia.
 

Week Three: Return to Glory

We stumble into Week 3 with more questions than answers. Who will tear away from the four-way tie in the AFC East? Who on the Philadelphia staff will need a fire extinguisher handy on the sidelines for QB Eagles? And finally, who does Barry Sanders have to kill to get a win around here? (And don’t say Rodney Peete—the sharks in Vegas have dibs on him). The early division leaders are looking for a return to glory, and though it's only Week 3 it's an important time to keep those ugly early season prognosticators (such as myself) at bay.

1:00 Games

A Tom Rathman-led offense, though exciting, rarely wins

Minnesota (1-1) at San Francisco (1-1)

And the questions keep pouring in after the Vikings, with their thus-far impotent offense and as-of-yet non-existent defense, handily defeat the Niners at home. Wade Wilson appallingly throws for 100 more yards than Joe Montana, and the Vikings serve up 17 first downs on a San Francisco team with a lot of explaining to do after dropping two in a row to highly inferior teams. Luckily for them, they reside in the NFC West, home to midget rodeos, Chris Miller, and the entire New Orleans Saints.

Final Score: Vikings 31, 49ers 17

LA Rams (2-0) at New Orleans (0-2)

Also luckily for them, Tecmo and its unhealthy passion for parity lets the searing hot Rams drop a cold turd in New Orleans, losing to a field goal in the final quarter. This may or may not have been an exciting game to watch: May have, because of the combined 669 passing yards, with Dynamite Willie Anderson dragging down 182 while Brent Perriman played catch-up with 158 of his own. May not have, because it was played in the Superdome.

Final Score: Saints 24, Rams 21

Indianapolis (1-1) at LA Raiders (0-2)

This one was about as cringe-worthy as it gets, but the Colts somehow stick it out for all four quarters in the absence of Albert Bentley and pull away at the end with a touchdown. If it’s any consolation to the Raiders, Bo Jackson did come to play with 102 rushing yards on the day. Jay Schroeder, on the other hand, came to only complete 44% of his passes and throw up a couple of picks, prompting any sane sportswriter to mention that at least he accomplished putting his jersey on the right way this morning.

Final Score: Colts 21, Raiders 17

NY Giants (0-2) at Chicago (1-1)

The Giants continue their free-fall here with a loss in Chicago to the slightly non-threatening Bears. Neal Anderson was back in business with a respectable 92 yards rushing. Phil Simms and his shades of Jay Schroeder were the death knell of his squad, with only a 30% completion rate and 2 picks, and somewhere along the New Jersey turnpike fans are constructing ‘Hoss or Bust’ billboards, rife with suggestive mustache poses.

Final Score: Bears 27, Giants 10

Stripes v. Skins: The age-old battle

Cincinnati (1-1) at Cleveland (1-1)

The first in a series titled “The Battle for Ohio”, or, for us non-natives, “The Battle of Boomer’s Bulge” did not provide many exciting storylines at this juncture, but there were some exciting statistics. James Brooks tried his best to keep the Bengals from bungling this one with 129 rushing yards, but QB Browns was slightly sharper with 339 yards passing and no interceptions. Reggie Langhorne helped his boss keep his job with 138 yards receiving and a few TDs, and Cleveland keeps pace with Warren Moon’s flashy smile.

Final Score: Browns 34, Bengals 23

Houston (2-0) at Kansas City (2-0)

The Oilers skirted past the undefeated Chiefs with 13 unanswered 4^th quarter points, and by skirted we mean they made Kansas City look like a bunch of little girls. Warren Moon was his prolific self, but the Oilers ground game showed some flaws with a total of 22 yards rushing. However, when Barry Word is the leading receiver on the opposing team with 65 yards, it all of a sudden looks like a minor first-world problem.

Final Score: Oilers 27, Chiefs 21

Close your eyes and say 'Steve Grogan v. Bubby Brister'
Now open them. Yes, you're still in the same dimension

New England (0-2) at Pittsburgh (1-1)

Pittsburgh, the heroes of last week’s Bills-thumping, drop one here to the winless Patriots of New England. Bubby Brister fought toe-to-toe with Steve Grogan, and if you need to re-read that sentence I’ll give you a minute while I make a sandwich. Now that I’m back, I’ll explain that Grogan was playing over his head with 259 yards passing and completing 81% of his passes with no picks. Let me be the first to jump on this bandwagon; don’t worry, there’ll still be room for a few more years.

Final Score: Patriots 28, Steelers 24

Green Bay (1-1) at Tampa Bay (1-1)

The Packers had a chance to keep their momentum, and luckily for them they drew a Buccaneers squad that didn’t feel like winning twice in a row. Green Bay had 165 yards on the ground and converted 19 first downs. Tampa Bay hosted two back-to-back retirement parties at the Seaside Lodge and Casino. So if you had any questions as to Vinny Testaverde’s whereabouts, that should answer it for you.

Final Score: Packers 36, Buccaneers 28

4:00 Games

San Diego (2-0) at Atlanta (0-2)

San Diego’s leading performers were Anthony Miller and his 139 receiving yards and Quinn Early with 51 rushing yards. While Atlanta can claim a small victory in keeping Marion Butts quiet, the fact that their leading performers were somehow 50 yards shy in both aspects of the game usually means the season is pack-in-able at this point. The Chargers move temporarily into 1^st place, and already BJ Tolliver is popping bottles and making it rain in the team’s locker room.

Final Score: Chargers 21, Falcons 17

Buffalo (1-1) at NY Jets (1-1)

The first place tie atop the AFC East is broken by the Bills’ comeback tour, starting in New York and rifling its way across the entire United States and parts of Southeast Asia. Buffalo scores in the last quarter to the despair of Jets fans and sheer rage and shoulder-shrugging ‘what-else-is-new’ sentiment of every Tecmo enthusiast. There’s no need to go into the menial stats of this game; all that needs to be mentioned is that QB Bills isn’t really that bad of a guy once you get to know him.

Final Score: Bills 24, Jets 17

The Comeback Kids pour it on, and the flavor's 'Extra Bold'

Philadelphia (2-0) at Dallas (1-1)

The 4^th quarter comeback by Dallas will be something that’s spoken about when talking about their history for the next two years, until they win three Superbowls and nobody cares any longer that their 17 unanswered points in a Week 3 game was a big deal. But right now, it is, and maybe the even bigger deal is that Keith Byars led the Eagles’ ground game with only 32 yards. Question marks surround the health of QB Eagles in this game, until one realizes he was at Hee Haw’s BBQ until four in the A.M.

Final score: Cowboys 24, Eagles 21

Miami (1-1) at Detroit (0-2)

The ‘Phins keep pace with Buffalo in the East after a predictable win over the forlorn Lions of Detroit. Barry Sanders is held to only 38 yards rushing, but most of that may be related to a bad case of apathy that usually sets in throughout the Motor City by this point in the season. Rodney Peete does manage to throw for a respectable 210 yards, but the Miami ground game ran up and down the field on Detroit for 170 yards. Detroit can take solace in the fact that Tigers’ pitchers and catchers report in just 5 months.

Final Score: Dolphins 34, Lions 21

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Tonight we'll bookend an exciting day of flavorful football with a clash between two quarterbacks that were no doubt covering thousands of teenage girls bedroom walls in the 90s. It'll take a whole barrage of Bronco offense to unseat the division leaders and the old defensive benchmarks in the Seahawks, but if anyone's up to the task it's the ol' Buckin' Bronco himself, John Elway. It's an AFC West showdown with somewhat important implications for how the end may play out, which is sure to be just as wild as the west itself once was, before Derrick Fenner was given a football team to play for.

Suave has a name: Krieg.

Hee-haw!!