Looking Ahead: Week Five

It's Week Five, folks. We called Week Two "Separation Sunday", where the 1-0s tried to move farther from the 0-1s. Things didn't go as we predicted, of course, as Tecmo never does. Maybe we jumped the gun; however, I don't admit to mistakes. And I don't look back. Neither will the teams presented in this docket of games. There are some teams that have had a few roadblocks, and others that haven't been playing up to their potential. But with Week 5 here already, it's time for some of those teams to break out from the pack. I'm looking at you, New Orleans.

Schroeder doesn't understand golf scoring, either

The first slate of games are sure to kick off the short-listed schedule off with a bang. The Los Angeles Raiders travel just a few miles north to San Francisco, hot off a blowout win against Atlanta. The 49ers, meanwhile, haven't had a breather since their Week One win, losing three in a row and falling behind the Rams early on. They're still favored over the faltering Raiders, with their fourth-ranked run defense up against the two-headed demon known as Bo and Marcus. Who will give in first? We're going with Jay Schroeder's rubber band arm.

Another early game to watch will be the Colts marching to the great Northwest Territory to battle the Seahawks. The Colts started off strong, but lost a shocker in Detroit to put them at 2-2. Being that we're huge Albert Bentley supporters (in the fan sense), we're hoping they're not petering out already, and this match-up against the 3-1 Seahawks will most likely be the litmus test of the Colts' staying power. The AFC West, meanwhile, has been one of the best divisions early on, and Seattle can't trip up here if they want to keep up with Denver and San Diego. Like two Cy Young pitchers going in a do-or-die game, Dave Krieg and Jeff George will need to be the leaders to take their team to the next level, or in George's case, to take to the hair-grafting clinic.

It will also be hard to look away from the Giants in Dallas, as they try to continue their comeback tour against a divisional rival that has been surprisingly dominant. Two other surprising 3-1 teams collide in the Twin Cities as the Broncos visit the Vikings. We think only one of these teams is for real, and if you need a clue, the team that will win will be the one with a quarterback that went on to win two Super Bowls and become a successful Vice President of his team, and not the one that got busted for using HGH.

Note: There are 28 more Pro 'Running Backs' after No.2

The late afternoon games are all about heavy hitters locking up and settling some bets. Three of the four games feature teams that are all 3-1 (a combined 18-6 record), while the odd game out will probably get cancelled due to a Ringling Bros. Circus coming to town. We can't tell which one will provide the most playoff implications, but perhaps the one with the NFC East divisional leaders will provide the most coke dealers. We're hoping for a return to glory for QB Eagles, but if he's overshadowed by Mark Rypien, well, we know we won't be able to blame the guy.

With Sunday Night games cancelled until the bye weeks are over, we move to Monday Night Football, and a key AFC West match-up in San Diego. The Chargers stumbled last week after a quick 3-0 start, while the Chiefs lost as well for the second time in a row. If De Berg was looking for a breakout game, there couldn't be a more perfect time than in South Cali against a divisional rival that's currently in the lead. We're thinking this game will come down to the Nightmare from Nigeria versus the man named Butts, and with Kansas City's defense, and the inability for most of the Chargers to point out Nigeria on a map, we say advantage: Chiefs. We had Kansas City winning the Wild West, with San Diego only eking out 5 wins, and so the Chiefs will need to buck up. Otherwise, I'll be spending the rest of the week wiping egg yolk out of my eyebrows.

Hitting Power 88 = 88 mangled defenders

But don't take my word for it; here are the standings, as read by a bunch of loud-mouthed children:

***************************************************************************************

AFC

NFC

Byes: Houston Oilers, Cleveland Browns, Cincinnati Bengals, Pittsburgh Steelers

Monday Night Football: Indianapolis vs. Detroit

Get Bentley'd

Indianapolis travels north on I-469 to Detroit for a Monday Night Football clash with some incredibly poignant implications. The Colts are within one win of a first-place tie with the Bills, while Detroit can enter the land of wins, which hasn't become too exclusive in recent days. Albert Bentley is on the bus with the Colts for the trip, returning from a mysterious injury in Week One. On the other end of the ball is Barry Sanders, who has yet to score a rushing touchdown this year, a statistic that seems exponentially related to Detroit's winning percentage. Indianapolis' run defense is middle-of-the-road, but you can believe they're ready to stop the run as Rodney Peete has yet to show any sort of a threat in the air. Although they are both classic franchises within the NFL itself, the history between these two teams isn't filled with too many storylines, so hopefully Jeff George and crew can make a few before I run out of things to say.


Quarter One
The host team wins the toss and elects to receive. Mel Gray brings the ball out to the Detroit 12-yard line and the men from the Motor City get to work. The first play from scrimmage is a Barry Sanders pitch that's good for 17 yards. The second play is a lateral to Sanders is good for another 16, and the Detroit offense looks to be running on all cylinders. After two batted away passes, however, the well-oiled machine now looks like a Volkswagen lemon, and on 3rd and 10 when Peete's pass is nearly picked off, the Lions will be lucky if they can be salvaged for spare parts.

He not only catches footballs, he births them

Indianapolis takes advantage of their new Bentley-fied offense with a pitch to Ivy Joe Hunter for a yard. Dennis Gibson eats Jeff George for breakfast, or dinner, we're not sure when he woke up today, and it's third and long. George shows off his Fighting Illini credentials on the next play with a long pass to a wide-open Bill Brooks for 36 yards into Detroit territory. The storybook beginning for the schoolboy legend playing for his hometown comes to a startling cliffhanger, however, when he's sacked twice by Chris Spielman, with the second one being on 3rd and 26. Something tells us this villain won't be one to go away in the next chapter or two.

After being pushed back from the Detroit 45 to their own 28-yard line, Indianapolis punts it over to the Lions, with Mega-Boot Rohn Stark still limiting Detroit to a touchback with a monster 70+ yard punt. Peete gets his first completion to a man with the last name of Johnson and the first name that is not Calvin, at least not quite yet. Richard Johnson brings it into Indianapolis territory as time expires in the quarter.

Quarter Two
Peete momentarily forgets that he has a SkyNet cyborg on his team named Barry Sanders, and runs a bootleg for 12 yards twice in a row. After the resounding success of these two running plays, Peete gets a little too greedy and forces a pass out of bounds on both first and second down. On 3rd and 10, Peete drops back to pass, and Jeff Herrod drops him back a few more yards for a sack to take the Lions out of field goal range.

Like a wild stallion riding into the sunset of his career

The Colts start from their own 20-yard line after another touchback, and Albert Bentley gets his first play from scrimmage for a 21-yard dash around the right side. After this gracious display of sportsmanship from the Lions defense, they pounce on Bentley during the next play for a 5-yard loss. Jeff George puts the team on his back and gallops the necessary 15 yards for a first down, and them promptly bucks them all off when he tosses up two horrible-looking ducks for incompletions. On 3rd-and-10 from the Detroit 43-yard line, George's pass to Jessie Hester is good for 27 yards and the Colts are trotting right along. Detroit uncorks the thorn from its collective paws and stuffs Hunter, while on second down they paw away a pass by George. It's third down inside the red zone, and the Colts come back to life just in time, trampling over the Lions with a beautiful strike from George to Bentley in the end zone.

Indianapolis leads 7-0

With 53 seconds left in the half, the Lions start from their own 32-yard line. Knowing his options are limited, Peete goes with the most undesirable one and lobs up an interception to Chris Goode in Detroit territory with plenty of time remaining for another Indy score.

From the Detroit 47-yard line, George surveys his own options, scanning the field for a wide open Brooks and Hester. When he can't distinguish their routes beneath his increasingly furrowed brows, he chucks it behind him to Hunter for a loss of 4 yards and an unfortunate amount of clock time. Hunter is given the ball in a more conventional manner on second down, and he graciously runs down the clock on this uninteresting half of football.

Halftime - Colts 7, Lions 0

Quarter Three

I don't think he's down yet; better keep piling on!

Clarence Verdin is the recipient of an inadequate Eddie Murray kickoff, and he returns it to a very desirable field position at the Indianapolis 48-yard line. An Albert Bentley pitch gets the ball to exactly midfield, and then a perfect toss to Hester gets the ball to exactly within Code Blue field position for Detroit. Pat Beach gets involved with a bumbling five-yard catch-and-run in which he sheds about ten defenders, but can't quite get the eleventh to uncork his hands, and falls down at the 3-yard line. Bentley gets an opportunity for the first rushing touchdown of his short season, but instead decides to crash into the brick wall of Ray Donaldson's ass. George opts for the easier route, and tosses a fade to Bill Brooks in the corner of the end zone to move Indianapolis' chances at a possible Week 4 first place tie with Buffalo from laughable to George Lopez laughable.

Indianapolis leads 14-0

Rodney Peete does his best Heisman trophy impersonation

Mel Gray returns an equally opportunistic kick from Dean "It's soo-chie" Biasucci across midfield to the Colts' 48 yard-line. Peete overshoots Robert Clark on first down, and we here at The Tecmo Bowl are  beginning to understand that whole 'No Rushing TDs for Barry Sanders' thing. Peete spit-shines that philosophy even more when, while connecting with Aubrey Matthews for a 15-yard gain, promptly takes a blitz for a loss of 9 on the next play and tosses the ball out of bounds on second down. With 3rd-and-19 and a frothing Jeff Herrod staring at them in the face, the Detroit offense pulls off one of the trickier slot passes seen in Tecmo to Matthews, who gets the 19 yards plus one needed for a first down. The Lions and Barry Sanders are stopped on the next two plays, but Rodney Peete roars back when he sheds multiple defenders for a 16-yard touchdown run.

Indianapolis leads 14-7

Verdin returns a more traditional Murray kick to the Colts' 25-yard line. The third quarter ends with a long Hester reception into Detroit territory, busting open the Lake Michigan levees and washing away hopes of a Detroit comeback.

Quarter Four
And Chris Spielman starts building those levees back up with his third sack of the game. A Bentley pitch is picked, and ol' Uncle Alby is almost put back on a stretcher. On 3rd-and-23 back on their own side of the field, George overshoots Hester by a good 10 yards and somewhere on the sidelines, QB Bills and Co. are suiting up in silver and Honolulu blue.

The famous Barry Sanders tight-rope run

Detroit begins what will come to be known as 'The Motor City Melee' by Steve Sabol's writers with Peete absorbing a Jeff Herrod sack on first down. The second play from scrimmage is a tipped pass that falls harmlessly out of bounds. On 3rd-and-19, a pivotal sack by Sam Clancy gets the t-shirt presses in Indonesia cranked into high gear, but Wayne Fontes tosses conventional wisdom aside and shouts "Nobody punts in Tecmo!", and fucking goes for it on 4th-and-28 from the shadow of their own goal post. And in true Tecmo fashion, a Barry Sanders pitch is good for 46 yards to midfield. After this miraculous turn of events, Detroit soon faces another third down situation, to which they wisely entrust Sanders to convert once more. The glory is all Robert Clark's, however, when on the very next play he brings down a Rodney Peete pass for a touchdown.

Score tied 14-14

Verdin rumbles to the Indianapolis 42-yard line with nearly a minute and a half to go. With enough Bentley runs combined with no Chris Spielman sacks, the Colts may have a chance to kick their way into unheard-of territory within the AFC East. However, showing the infamous unconventional play-calling that usually gets them a perennial 2-14 record, Rick Venturi calls for two Jeff George passing plays that fall predictably incomplete. On 3rd-and-10, Ivy Joe Hunter is entrusted with the incredibly important conversion, and proves why his followers in Twitter are dozens less than Barry Sanders with a 5-yard run that doesn't exactly tick away the necessary amount of seconds. But the Colts didn't travel all this way for an overtime loss, and on 4th and 5 from their own 44-yard line, the Colts dig down deep and go for it. George lobs it up to Hunter, who bobbles and drops the ball. Venturi is seen pocketing an envelope with a very clear blue buffalo logo in the corner.

Who said these two couldn't exhibit exciting
and/or inept football?

With 21 seconds left to strike a final blow, Peete tosses a shovel pass to Sanders, who trucks it down the middle of the field, leaving defenders in his wake. Amazingly, he trips over a rift in the space-time continuum and falls over at the 2-yard line, sending this game into OT for the first time since we began covering them, much to this writer's seething disgust.

Overtime - Colts 14, Lions 14

Overtime
The home team wins the toss, and the momentum shift is more noticeable than the transmission of a '48 Lincoln. Sanders, the obvious horse of Fontes' overtime schematics, takes the first two plays for a total of 31 yards into field goal land. When his next play is blitzed for a loss of 6, the Lions decide to go to the air. The choice, in hindsight, could be diagnosed as a poor one by focus groups of coaches and men wearing beer helmets when Peete is intercepted in the end zone for an Indianapolis touchback.

This picture will be used for all 'Wanted' posters in Indiana

Bentley can't TCOB when he's blitzed for a loss of 6 on first down. George is reunited with Spielman on the next play for a loss of 12, putting the Colts in precarious position at their own 2-yard line. And then, in what could only be described as a twist on the modern-day home-grown quarterback legend, the villain Chris Spielman claims the spoils when he vanquishes the hero and safeties Detroit into their first win.

Detroit leads 16-14

Final: Lions 16, Colts 14 (OT)



This wasn't an easy game to watch, let alone write about, but the ending made it probably the most worthy of all games to recount this week. Don't get me wrong, the forced intrigue I wrote about early on did sort of get my Tecmo juices flowing, but right after the first kick-off I immediately began looking for pencils to sharpen or doorknobs to tighten. The first half didn't disappoint in its suckitude, but as soon as the Colts scored again, I started to take notice. A 3-1 Colts squad? Please write me if any of you in Tecmo land have seen this before, and I'll send you a notarized certificate asking you to "get out of town!" Unfortunately, the Lions struck back, and we didn't even get a Barry Sanders touchdown to show for it. The Colts go to 2-2 and will more than likely never recover, Bills fans everywhere rejoice their blasphemous lifestyles, and this writer will go to bed a more angst-ridden and jaded individual.

Football Night in America: L.A. Raiders vs Atlanta

The ATL is so white-hot, even night becomes day

Tonight we travel to Hot-lanta for a showdown between two teams of which even Faith Hill couldn't find anything good to sing about. The Raiders and Falcons share an 0-6 record, and although one of those teams will walk out tonight with their first win, we can be assured of losing a small piece of ourselves for watching it happen. Although the season will only be a quarter finished after tonight, the chances we'll be seeing these teams again in the playoffs is very slim considering the kind of competition they face within their own division, and so it's important for the players of both teams to come out swinging. Hopefully for the Raiders, Bo Jackson has the night off from playing left field for the Angels.

Quarter One

In his haste, Allen inadvertently tends to literally
'shred' defenders apart

Greg Davis graciously kicks the ball over to Tim Brown of the Los Angeles incarnation of the Raiders, who takes it out from the back of the end zone to the Raiders 5-yard line. Bo Jackson is called into the game, and fortunately for L.A., Bo knows safeties, and therefore barely avoids one while still losing 2 yards. Art Shell sticks with the ground game nonetheless, and it pays off when Jackson regains the lost yardage, plus 10 more yards, for a first down. The second half of Los Angeles' two-headed running monster, Marcus Allen, gains a total of 45 yards on the next two runs, pushing the drive to the Falcons' 38-yard line. Jay Schroeder then drops back for his first passing attempt of the game, and to the delight of Raiders fans everywhere it falls harmlessly incomplete. Bo Jackson takes the next hand-off up the middle for a 38-yard touchdown run, which the coaching staff hopes should send a hint to the notoriously clueless Schroeder.

Los Angeles leads 7-0

Keith Jones, who nobody mistakes for Prime Time Deion, returns the kick to the Atlanta 17. Chris Miller gets to work quickly with a 37 yard strike to Michael Haynes, and automatically falls behind in the race for worst quarterback of the day. Luckily for Chris Miller fans, his next pass is batted away, and then intercepted by Riki Ellison just near midfield.

Bo Jackson is the ball-carrier for the first play from scrimmage, which is good for 8 yards. The second play from scrimmage is a Schroeder lob to Mervyn Fernandez for a 47-yard touchdown, angering Jackson fantasy owners everywhere.

Los Angeles leads 14-0 

It's all about who wants it more

Atlanta renews their previously failed drive at their own 41-yard line. Miller wildly overthrows Andre 'Bad Moon' Rison on first down, and then completely misses Albert Haynes 'Her Way' on second down. The next play is called from the shotgun, and the results are remarkably different when Rison has to leap 15 feet into the air to pull down the pass. Apparently the effort took a lot out of Rison's upper arm strength, and he fumbles the ball over to Terry McDaniel upon landing back on earth. The quarter mercifully ends for Atlanta, which still doesn't know that the score won't reset at the beginning of the next quarter.



Quarter Two
From the 40-yard line, Allen scoots over the left side for a quick 14-yard gain into Atlanta territory. The Raiders return to the same play when Schroeder reminds them of his passing deficiency, which is good for another 18 yards to the Falcons' 28. Bo Jackson shows off his versatility on the next two plays with two short receptions, one while locked in an everlasting struggle with an Atlanta defender. One play and a Michael Reid sack later, it's 3rd and 3. Schroeder misinterprets the need for more than a 3-yard gain, and only runs for two. Jeff Jaeger is on for his first act of heroism on the day with a 28-yard chip shot.

Los Angeles leads 17-0

Atlanta begins their third attempt for a score at their own 37-yard line. Miller is blitzed, and wisely throws the ball to Rison in triple coverage for an incompletion. The next two passes also go incomplete, with one nearly beheading the guy filling Gatorade cups on the sidelines, and Miller is suddenly back in the thick of the hunt for QB ineptitude. Scott Fulhage is on to punt, and pins the Raiders at their own 9-yard line with just over a minute to go in the half.

The Falcons fans in attendance seem to watch every play
with a startling indifference

Marcus Allen defies the rules of time and space that us normal humans have to abide by, and runs 75 yards in just 30 seconds, dodging multiple tackles along the way. Art Shell, always the gentleman, decides not to run up the score and sends Jaeger out for another 3 points, despite the fact that Bo Jackson is frothing at the mouth with 24 seconds left on the clock.

Los Angeles leads 20-0

Keith Jones fumbles the return kick over to Mike Harder, whose 3-yard run takes up the final 15 seconds of the half, much to the Falcons' and Mike Harder's doctors' delight.

Halftime - Raiders 20, Falcons 0

Quarter Three
Keith Jones gets another chance for redemption, and does so when his return stretches all the way to the Atlanta 15-yard line. The Falcons' halftime speech must have consisted of a lot of screaming and mentions of Mike Rozier, because he takes the next two pitches for a total of 18 yards. The well is found empty on a third Rozier pitch, when the Raiders blitz him for a loss of 5. Two plays later, on third and fifteen, Miller goes back to the air, and while Floyd Dixon valiantly lunges for the ball, it floats a few yards in front and fifteen rows to the side of him to some lucky Japanese businessmen who have no idea that this was the unintended result of the play and cheer quietly in their seats.

Merry Christmas from the Schroeders

Tim Brown makes a nice return of the Fulhage punt this time, and the Raiders start inside their de-facto red zone from their own 32-yard line. Allen's run for no gain is rightfully upstaged by Bo Jackson's dash around the right end for 57 yards. No one feels more upstaged than Jackson, however, when on the next play, Schroeder scores on an 11-yard scramble.

Los Angeles leads 27-0

Atlanta, always living the hard-knock life, have to start, once again, on their own side of the field. Nobody has it tougher than Chris Miller, who has yet another pass to Rison batted away which, while it angers his football fans, gives him even more street cred. Mike Rozier is involved again with a run over the right end for 14 yards, but Atlanta's life support seems to have been unplugged about fifteen minutes ago, and Rozier is sadly pumping a dead heart. Chris Miller stands undaunted, however, and then runs, screeching and flailing his arms, as the Raiders defense chases him for 12 yards as the quarter ends.

Quarter Four

The Raiders live to rout Atlanta another day

Miller segues the quarters beautifully with a batted away pass to Rison in the end zone. Bob Golic gets his mandatory sack in for the day, and it's suddenly 3rd-and-19 and the Falcons are in panic mode. Luckily, Miller gains his composure in time for another consistently batted away pass, and it's fourth down. Showing off a balanced mixture of testicular fortitude and resigned failure, Jerry Glanville keeps the offense on the field for fourth down and calls a Mike Rozier pitch, and all that matters is that the ensuing run was something less than the necessary nineteen yards.

Starting in what was originally known as Atlanta territory, now renamed Bo Jacksonopolis, the Raiders quickly get to work in using the Falcons as a trampoline with a 42 1/2 yard run by Jackson, who falls the remaining 1/2 yard short of his second touchdown of the day. On first and goal, Schroeder keeps the tourniquet on for at least one more play with an incomplete pass, but Allen promptly rips it loose with an untouched run up the middle. The field soon runs red with Atlanta's blood and half-filled slurpee cups tossed out by the dejected Falcons' fans.

Los Angeles leads 34-0

Jones runs out from his own end zone into the listlessness of Atlanta's future with an 18 yard return. Michael Haynes is immediately overthrown, and three Raiders defenders keep each other from intercepting the ball. After a Rozier 2-yard run , it's 3rd and 8. Haynes is the target once again, but can't dig down deep enough to keep this promising drive alive, and it's fourth down. With just over two minutes to go, Glanville slices open his stomach and lets his intestines drop to the field, apparently misinterpreting the need to reveal his guts. Unfortunately, this brave display goes to waste when Miller runs the ball for only 3 yards, giving the ball over to Los Angeles at the Atlanta 23 with plenty of time left for Glanville to get his guts reinstalled while watching his team get their throats throttled.

Jay Schroeder gets his second passing touchdown of the day with a quick pass to a wide-open Fernandez in the back of the end zone. If you need more superfluous language describing this play, you're a fucking masochistic bastard.

Los Angeles leads 41-0

Floyd Knows Sandwich Receptions

Atlanta gets good field position on the next drive at their own 43, with a decent amount of time left and a few time-outs to manage the drive efficiently. Unfortunately for them, they are Atlanta. Luckily, the Falcons avoid having to call their first time out when Miller's toss goes over his own oblivious coach's head. Floyd Dixon then pulls in a long pass at the Los Angeles 22-yard line, but the reception is in bounds and the Falcons are forced to call a time-out. Dixon is berated for the entire 30 seconds as he's carted off the field with an apparent injury to his dignity. With 31 seconds left, Rozier misses the memo as well when his bold 2-yard run is stopped in bounds. He makes up for his indiscretion when, on the next play, he busts up the middle and sheds multiple defenders as the crowd chants 'Rudy! Rudy!', all the while a brass-and-strings orchestra accompanies his brash and gutsy 20-yard run for the first, and because of time expiring, last Atlanta touchdown of the game.

Los Angeles leads 41-7

Final: Raiders 41, Falcons 7

It wasn't a pretty sight, but we here at The Tecmo Bowl didn't promise you Rita Hayworth. The Raiders get an all-too-necessary win here to keep up with their infighting divisional rivals, while the Falcons get the pleasure in knowing they play New Orleans next week. While they both came into the game winless, the Raiders seemed to be in a different league than the Falcons, and that can be made obvious by 11% completion percentage for Chris Miller. While Jay Schroeder's passing yards weren't Hall of Fame-worthy, his efficiency was, with both of his completed passes to Mervyn Fernandez going in for scores. However, the ultimate elephant in the room is Bo Jackson, and if Bo Knows Elephants like we think he does, he must know that his outstanding performance was due in part to the blackout of 'Bo Knows Tecmo' shirts we called for earlier in the day. The Raiders continue to live for another week when they go to San Francisco, and if Bo Knows Disney movies like we hope he does, Los Angeles could keep their Cinderella season alive.