Thursday, December 8, 2011

Looking Ahead: Week Fourteen

We're three quarters down, and every game counts for teams on the bubble. For the ones not so lucky, well, it's quite possible they've come down with Decemberitis and have their sights set on beaches and pina coladas rather than frozen grass and watered down Gatorade. Despite this, we've got some exciting games on the docket, and no, that's not me begging you, constant reader, to continue on in this endeavor. That's entirely up to you, and here's to me hoping that you haven't figured out that you're reading about a simulated Tecmo season yet.

Buffalo and Miami continue to play keep-away with the rest of the division, while also trying to avoid colliding with each other in the process. The Bills will welcome the Jets to town with a basket of whoop-ass, while Miami travels intrastate to Tampa Bay to do battle with a desperate Bucs team. The Dolphins are coming off an embarrassing defeat in Chicago, and may unfairly lash out against the sabre-less Buccaneers and end their rum and pipe-filled dreams of a playoff chance. Meanwhile, the Raiders play host to division-leading Chargers with hopes of dethroning them and pulling within a game of first, depending on whether or not the charging steeds in Denver can keep Grogan's Patriots blockaded from entering the land of victory for another week.

In the Battle of Blondies, Boomer takes the cake
The Giants have stormed into sole possession of the NFC East lead after dwelling in the basement for the first quarter, and welcome their newest challenge in Cincinnati. Bengals QB Boomer Esiason is coming off of his worst game of the year, but may have a chance to come back against a 23rd-ranked Giants pass defense. Elsewhere in the East, the Redskins travel cross-country to challenge the fading Rams, the biggest Saints fans this week outside of that hobo who found a 1987 Wild Card Saints t-shirt at the Good Will. The afternoon wraps up with the Seahawks trying to keep pace in the AFC West against the Chiefs, and the Colts trying to keep pace with the Patriots for most blooper reel clips against Cleveland.

The late afternoon brings us two games in which NFC Central foes are fighting for some postseason life. Green Bay travels to Atlanta in the midst of the Falcons' SpoilerMania festival. Atlanta's won two straight over potential playoff teams, and could give the Packers some trouble if they can pull it off at home. The Chicago Bears will be in Soldier Field, and despite the chilly weather the Bears have been playing hot as of late with Neal Anderson at the helm. Detroit has been its normal pitiful self as of late, but do travel to Chicago as the defeaters of the undefeatable Minnesota Vikings, and playing in their division could give them the heat to cause some havoc.

We then turn our eyes to the NFC East, where Philadelphia will have a tough test against Houston to keep pace, and where the Dallas Cowboys, a team still on life support, battle the Steelers with Bubby Brister holding the plug.

Don't make this so easy, Joe
You'll find us at Candlestick Park on Monday Night, where the 49ers, winners of 7 straight, clash with division mates in the New Orleans Saints. The Bourbon Street favorites have made things interesting this season with some big wins, but none would be bigger than knocking the Niners down a peg and snagging an extra game in the race for a division title. With how competitive the entire NFC has been, it may be tough for New Orleans to land in the Wild Card, and so they're looking for a big performance from Steve Walsh. Walsh nearly outplayed Joe Montana in their last square dance, and he'll have to dig a little deeper here amidst the beads and masques to find a performance steeped in gold. Montana's already got a few of those, next to his four golden rings, dozen golden football cards and sixteen gold-plated jockstraps.


***************************************************************************************


AFC
1. Miami (9-3)
2. Houston (10-2)
3. Denver (8-4)

Wild Card
4. Bills (8-3-1)
5. Chargers (8-4)
6. Seahawks (7-5)

On the Bubble
Cincinnati (6-6)
L.A. Raiders (6-6)
Kansas City (5-7)
Cleveland (5-7)

Playoff Scenarios:

AFC East
None

AFC Central
Oilers clinch outright with win OR Cincinnati loss

AFC West
None
***************************************************************************************

NFC

1. *Minnesota (11-2)
2. N.Y. Giants (8-4)
3. San Francisco (8-4)

Wild Card
4. Washington (7-5)
5. Philadelphia (7-5)
6. Green Bay (6-5-1)

On the Bubble
Chicago (6-6)
  L.A. Rams (6-6)
Dallas (6-6)
Tampa Bay (5-7)
New Orleans (5-7)

Playoff Scenarios:

NFC East
None

NFC Central
Division Champions: Vikings

NFC West
None







Byes: Minnesota Vikings, Phoenix Cardinals

Monday, December 5, 2011

Monday Night Football: Miami at Chicago

Marino, before his arrest for possession of a deadly weapon
The Dolphins leave sunny Miami on a trip north to bring themselves one step closer to a rare Tecmo AFC East title. Standing in their way are the Chicago Bears, with everything to play for outside of a Steve McMichael hair vs. hair match against Pete Stoyanovich. The season has come down to games like this, in which one win or loss could turn the tide of 11 previous weeks of hard work and pixellated explosions. Let's head to Chicago now to see if Miami can keep rolling, or if the vaunted Bears' 'D' can clam up the Dolphins offense while Neal Anderson gives Don Shula a new set of recurring nightmares.


Quarter One
Marc Logan is the first to handle the game ball after Miami wins the toss, and gets his team in good starting position at their own 44-yard line. Chicago brings the pain on first down, forcing a Tony Paige fumble in which the Fridge gobbles up and carts all the way back to the Miami 8-yard line.

A normal aftermath of the famous Chicago blitz
Jim Harbaugh, the second coming of Jim McMahon, hands the ball off to Brad Muster, the first coming of Brad Muster, on first down. Muster gets within inches of the goal line, setting up a Neal Anderson run to vulture his first touchdown on the day for Chicago.

Chicago leads 7-0

Logan gets another shot at it, carrying it out to the Miami 37-yard line before coughing up the second Dolphins' fumble of the day. Richmond Webb is there this time, the first time Webb has been present for anything important on a football field, and stretches the return out to the Miami 45-yard hash-mark. The drive starts with Marino sneaking up the middle for 4 yards, followed by two Sammie Smith runs to get the first down. Marino finally goes to the air after he gets word that his conceal-and-carry permit went through and finds Mark Duper, who pulls in the Marino laser in double coverage at the Chicago 17. The drive seems to stall there, however, with two batted away passes followed by a wild overthrow of Paige in the back of the end zone. Stoyanovich is on to make things dramatic from 33-yards out with a field goal off the right upright.

Chicago leads 7-3

DOG PILE!!
Johnny Bailey takes back the first Chicago return of the day to the 48-yard line after Stoyanovich's kick goes for fewer yards than the pee-wee division of Punt, Pass 'n Kick. Harbaugh's pass to Wendell Davis is incomplete, keeping Harbaugh near his average of 0% in completions, however that is destroyed when he hits Anderson on the run who ends up going for 50 yards to the Miami 2-yard line. Harbaugh brings his total back down to the median with a batted away pass to Davis in the end zone, before going with the obvious Anderson hand-off for Neal's second touchdown of the day.

Chicago leads 14-3

The last play of the wild first quarter is a long Marc Logan return to the Chicago 45-yard line.

Quarter Two
Paige takes the ball on first down and runs for 15 yards to the Chicago 25-yard line. After the conversion, Marino drops back to pass, throwing it away despite nobody being covered, although a group of headless tourists get a nice souvenir. Smith gets the ball on second down and travels for 4 yards, but the final 6 aren't picked up on third down when the Fridge records his first sack of the day. Stoyanovich is back out for the second time, and apparently my Tecmo game is lazy as it puts up the same cinema screen of the ball bouncing in off of the right upright.

Chicago leads 14-6

Muster surprisingly gets the ball on first down, making this only the second time this has happened since my 4-year old cousin was mashing buttons on his controller. Of course, he fumbles it, but Harbaugh saves him and follows that up with a nervous pass into coverage that is nearly picked off. Anderson finally gets involved on 3rd-and-8, and loses yardage on a play that's not picked by the defense for only the second time since my 10-year old cousin thought he picked the Hail Mary pass.

Never underestimate the Ferrell factor
Tony Martin takes the punt and gets it to the Miami 15-yard line with 1:52 left in the half. Paige takes a slant pass 25-yards to the Dolphins' 40 yard line, where Miami takes its first time out to find out what the hell happened to Ferrell Edmuds. After he's accounted for, Marino tosses the ball his way and Ferrell dives into coverage to pull it in at the 37-yard line for just his 4th reception this year. After a second time out, the Dolphins go with one of the lesser-popular 2-minute drill plays, the Paige handoff up the middle for 3 yards. With 49 seconds left, Miami takes its final time out and goes back to the air with a play-action pass to Clayton. The ball is knocked away, however, and now the 'Phins face 3rd-and-7 with 33 seconds left. Marino's receivers are covered, and so he wisely goes 12 yards to get within Stoyanovich upright-bangin' range, in which Pete banks it for the third straight rimshot to end the half.

Chicago leads 14-9

Halftime - Bears 14, Dolphins 9

Weave, Neal! WEAVE!
Quarter Three
Stoyanovich finally lets loose with a full-power kick, which Bailey takes out from the back of the end zone to the Chicago 8-yard line. Muster takes the ball on two straight runs, meaning the Bears have officially entered taunting territory. Anderson gets the ball twice after that, shaming Muster with his two straight first-down conversion runs, followed by a third run in which he finally breaks loose for 33 yards before barely getting tripped up in a footrace with a Miami defender. And it's yet another piece of evidence to show how programmers didn't anticipate the popular 'weaving back and forth' method, one that would have inevitably led to a Chicago score. After an incomplete pass in the end zone, Anderson runs for 9.9 yards. On 3rd-and-inches, Anderson follows some great blocks for another 23 yards to the Miami 4-yard line. Muster is denied on a 3 yard run, while Anderson picks at the remains for his second vultured touchdown and third on the day.

Chicago leads 21-9

Logan isn't so fortunate on his fourth return, only getting to the Miami 9-yard line to set up the Dolphins' longest drive of the day. It doesn't start well, when a pass to a wide open Mark Clayton along the sideline is batted away by a leaping Richard Dent, who could have fit a whole deep dish pizza beneath his feet. Smith gets the ball twice after that, but both runs are short of the first down. Reggie Roby is on for his first punt of the day, and he sails it 73 yards, nailing a kissing couple on the Navy Pier.

Neal Anderson runs twice before the quarter expires, with one of those runs nearly ending in the Bears O-line needing to be excavated from the frozen Soldier Field tundra.

Quarter Four
The fourth quarter begins with Neal Anderson converting the first down, something that didn't look so positive at the end of the last quarter. Harbaugh uses the fresh set of downs to go deep to James Thornton, who drags it down at the Miami 20-yard line for a 42-yard connection. One play later, Da Bears find themselves again at the Miami 2-yard line after a Harbaugh-Ron Morris connection. The Miami defense finally comes alive when Jeff Cross drops Harbaugh for a loss of 9. Anderson can't pull in a Harbaugh pass in double coverage, denying himself his fourth touchdown and angering throngs of pad-and-pencil fantasy footballers. Perhaps the only people angrier are Kevin Butler owners, as he can't convert the chip shot field goal.

Damn you, trigonometry!
Playing down by 11 with just over 3 minutes to go, Marino hustles his team on the field and immediately hustles them back off with a poorly placed interception to Lemuel Stinson at the Chicago 45-yard line.

That other receiver must have seen a squirrel
With another chance, Anderson zig-zags for his most beautiful run of the day for 27-yards. Two plays later, Harbaugh finds a leaping Morris for 26-yards to the Miami 2-yard line, where they seemed to have dug a trench. This time, John Offerdahl gobbles Harbaugh up for a loss of 11. Muster chugs along for 6 yards, coming up short yet again in scoring and in keeping his parents from wondering how the Andersons got so lucky. On 3rd-and-goal from the 7-yard line, Anderson takes the pitch but moves back up to the middle to run into his own line, once again preventing himself from scoring for the fourth time today. Luckily Butler gets his kick in off the left upright, otherwise there might have been a few burning crosses on his lawn overnight.

Chicago leads 24-9

Down by 15, Miami is facing the impossibility of needing three Tecmo scores as opposed to two normal scores. Logan gets the ball to the Miami 36-yard line with 51 seconds left. And in just a few more seconds, Marino throws for only the second time this quarter, and once again it's not to one of his own receivers.

Muster gets the ball on first down, and caps off his forgettable night by fumbling it over to Cliff Odom, who thunderfoots it just long enough to let the clock expire and mercifully keep Marino off the field.

Final: Bears 24, Dolphins 9

The Bears came out tonight and did what they had to do to keep moving forward in this race, while also making fools of the 'Phins. Miami didn't look like the dominant team they've been throughout the middle part of the season, staying in this game for about as long as the break between Harry Galbreath's meals. Anderson was the star of this one, scoring 3 touchdowns (although walking away from a possible 2 more) and it appears he's getting hot again just in time, leading the league in yards and touchdowns by a large margin. The Dolphins still hold control over the AFC East, but after Marino's shaky performance here, we imagine it's only a matter of time before he's wearing a 'I <3 Bills' shirt and paying for expensive meals with Bruce Smith.




Sunday, December 4, 2011

Week Thirteen: Bottleneck Bonanza

We're three quarters of the way through the season but don't have much to show for it yet. It's the bottlneck portion of the year, with everyone still mathematically in it fighting for a playoff spot with only a few ready to squeak through. Houston holds a tiebreaker over Cincinnati, and so with a win and Bengals loss they're technically in, while Minnesota can back in with a Packers loss no matter what happens in Detroit. And we mean no matter what (yes, that includes Jerry Ball getting through the game without a double cheeseburger).


1:00 Games

New York Giants (7-4) at Tampa Bay (5-6)
Not much of a tale to tell here, as the Giants' outdid the Buccaneers with just enough offense to put up an extra score and knock Tampa Bay yet another game back from a surprise playoff entry. It was a pretty clean game, with no interceptions from either quarterback and crisp defense when needed. Also, Vinny Testaverde's face was cleaned of his trademark mustache, perhaps opening the door for this disheartening loss.

Final Score: Giants 28, Buccaneers 21

Dallas (5-6) at Washington (7-4)
The Cowboys take advantage of an off-day from Mark Rypien and his 3 picks, and although Aikman lobbed up two of his own, his 268 yards put them up by the requisite score needed to win. The 'Skins watch the Giants pass them by for first place, while the Cowboys move one step closer in their comeback. The only things missing from this NFC East party were the strippers, thanks to Michael Irvin leaving his punch card at home.

Final Score: Cowboys 24, Redskins 17


There's something gross about these being COM #s
L.A. Rams (6-5) at San Francisco (7-4)
The Rams travelled to hostile San Francisco off a huge win in Detroit, but couldn't keep the momentum going against Montana-3000 and his 382 yards, 258 of those to RiceBot 2.0. Jim Everett still had a hot arm with 280 yards of his own, but it appears his goose was cooked from the start. The Niners separate themselves further with a big divisional win, and judging by the rainbow streamers and red and gold cut-offs, the party appears to have already started in San Francisco.

Final Score: 49ers 42, Rams 31




There's a cold wind blowing in Detroit
Minnesota (11-1) at Detroit (2-9)
The Vikings delay their champagne and lutefisk party for at least a few hours by losing their first game since Week One. Rodney Peete appears to have waited for this moment, tossing 229 yards and a few touchdowns with no picks. Herschel Walker ran for 125 yards and a few scores, but it wasn't enough as the Vikings now run into their long-delayed bye week still hoping for a chance to get bubbly in their eyes.

Final Score: Lions 28, Vikings 17

Cincinnati (6-5) at L.A. Raiders (5-6)
The "Live by the Boomer, Die by the Boomer" motto takes on new life here, as Esiason puts up his worst numbers of the season and the Bengals are on the verge of extinction. With only 84 yards and 2 picks to his name, Boomer wasn't even in this from the start, while the Raiders went heavy on the Marcus Allen and his 99 yards to pull back within .500 and very much still alive in the chewed-to-the-nubs AFC West.

Final Score: Raiders 24, Bengals 10

Cleveland (4-7) at Kansas City (5-6)
QB Browns showed his Dr. Jekyll side, with a calculated approach in picking apart the Chiefs defense and getting his team back in the hunt. 244 yards and a few touchdowns were all he needed against Steve DeBerg's inefficient 120 yards and 2 picks. Eric Metcalf and his 119 all-purpose yards pulled Cleveland back up the bubble, while Barry Word's 113 yards and bubble-shaped head couldn't get the Chiefs back on track.

Final Score: Browns 30, Chiefs 21

Houston (9-2) at Pittsburgh (4-7)
Merrill Hoge and Eric Green returned for the Steelers, but Warren Moon was still playing for the Oilers and Bubby Brister still couldn't surpass 100 yards or not throw interceptions, and the Oilers have the division locked up. Unfortunately Tecmo doesn't have the utter mathematical power of yours truly, and so we'll have to wait another week to see Dean Steinkuhler's toothless grin.

Final Score: Oilers 28, Steelers 14

20 years ago: a marginally less exciting card to see
Atlanta (3-8) at New Orleans (5-6)
The Saints welcomed a struggling Atlanta team into the Superdome with a chance to pull even in the wild card race, but were the victims of a perfect Chris Miller and father time. Atlanta put up 17 first downs, while Steve Walsh couldn't find his own receivers and now New Orleans is in trouble in a very tough division. While the paper bags aren't out yet, the bourbon seems to be missing from many liquor store shelves.

Final Score: Falcons 34, Saints 13

Seattle (6-5) at Denver (8-3)
The Broncos lose round two of this divisional match-up after not being able to score in the second half, while the Seahawks score just enough to pull away and get back within one game of first place. We've found the point in the season where Seattle usually muddles up the race, however we can't blame Dave Krieg with his 135 yards and 1 interception. If anyone's to blame, I'm going to go with the convicted murderer.

Final Score: Seahawks 28, Broncos 13

4:00 Games

New York Jets (4-7) at San Diego (7-4)
If the game were decided by quarterback prowess, we'd go with Ken O.Brien's solid 252 yards passing and two TDs to BJ Tolliver's 136 yards and 2 picks, but the Marion Butts' led rushing attack from San Diego was the difference in this game and in the Chargers' campaign for a division title. The Jets' slim hopes for a wild card run evaporate in the loss, but nobody will ever doubt the heart (or balls) of Mr. O.Brien.

Final Score: Chargers 28, Jets 20

Phoenix (1-11) at Philadelphia (6-5)
QB Eagles leads the way with 209 yards passing and a 77% completion rate, but gives way to Heath Sherman and his 91 yards rushing as they nudge into a second-place tie with Washington in the NFC East. At this point, it'll all be about who's the hottest at the end, and who ever tries to deny the enigmatic Eagles is probably the same person who reasoned the Cardinals would get 2 wins this year.

Final Score: Eagles 34, Cardinals 14

A score that elicits a different kind of Lambeau leap
Indianapolis (3-8) at Green Bay (6-4-1)
The Colts don't have much left to play for, but apparently found a way to still dig down deep and ruin it for another team with a late go-ahead touchdown. The Packers' loss gives Minnesota the division, while also giving the rest of the country reason to point and laugh towards Wisconsin. Majkowski threw an uncharacteristic 3 picks and falls behind Moon in the touchdown race, and loses all relevance in the process.

Final Score: Colts 31, Packers 28

New England (1-10) at Buffalo (7-3-1)
In what ended in dull thud to an otherwise exciting week, the Bills sleepwalk to a victory behind QB Bills' 245 yards passing, 128 of those to Thurman Thomas. Steve Grogan couldn't get his offense going with only 122 yards of his own, and in also losing his single-season quarterback TD record to Cam Newton in another dimension, needs his cult following of Tecmo fans more than ever.

Final Score: Bills 27, Patriots 10


Congrats to the Minnesota Vikings and their stylistically vogue purple gloves!

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The thirteenth anniversary of our weekly Monday Night showdown brings us one division-leading team up against another simply trying to lube up and slip into the crowded playoff race. Miami follows their fearless leader in Dan Marino to Chicago, where the Bears hope to continue riding on the back of Neal Anderson on their way to victory. Chicago's already seen their division wrapped up, but with Green Bay fading they have a serious chance at taking their wild card spot. The Dolphins are 9-2, but it's all they can do to stay ahead of the Bills, who are every bit ready to take advantage of the next Miami mistake. Whether or not that mistake is continuing to use Marc Logan as a viable running back is still up in the air.

Classic Logan: Yours for just 84 cents on Amazon!