Monday, December 10, 2012

Monday Night Football: New Orleans vs Atlanta

There are meaningful late-season battles, and there are knock-down, drag-out, egg-tossing rivalries like the one we're about to encounter tonight. Few have ventured into the Dirty South and lived through the miracle of quadruple-bypass to tell about it. Tonight, we'll count ourselves among those lucky victims as we gorge ourselves on these two southeast juggernauts who call the NFC West home. They've both yet to run out of steam, and now their perseverance finds them tied atop that division. Let's go see who survives the night, and who succumbs to their eyes thinking their stomach could fit one more cornbread biscuit.

Quarter One
First-rounder Tony Smith continues to confound with another solid return to the Atlanta 37-yard line. Chris Miller comes out looking to throw, but with the Dome Patrol tied up at the line he decides to take his chances on the run. Fulfilling the prophecy laid out by his fortune cookie at the Chinese buffet lunch, Miller makes today count with a long and winding run to the New Orleans' 4-yard line. He caps it off on the next play with a bootleg run that sees him crashing into the right side of his line in full taunting mode before swiveling around to score.

Atlanta leads 7-0

Return specialist for the Saints, Dalton Hilliard, catapults his way out of the end zone to just the 6-yard line. Bobby Hebert takes the snap and drops back into his end zone, wishing he'd have washed the catnip off his jersey when the hungry Moe Gardner lunges at him for a safety.

Atlanta leads 9-0

The enigmatic Smith takes a shortened Morten kick near midfield, setting up a drive that begins with Miller completing his first pass to tight end Harper Lebel who plods his way for a deep gain to the Saints' 14-yard line. Steve Broussard appears healthy enough to take his first of many 2-yard gains on the day. Going back to pass, Miller lofts it towards the end zone but sees his pass batted away. Broussard gets another rep in, picking up an important first down to extend the drive one more play that gives Broussard his sixth full rushing touchdown for the season.

Atlanta leads 16-0

Hilliard gets a marginally better return to his team's 41-yard line for the Saints' second drive. Hebert drops back with a little more breathing room and a lot more time to scan the field, though he eventually gives up a mouthful to Ken Tippins for Atlanta's second sack in as many Saints' offensive plays. Hebert finally gets the opportunity to lob up a pass, a flea flicker to Quinn Early, though it's lost in a flurry of Reebok gloves. On 3rd and 18, Hebert's second flea flicker in a row fools nobody but Eric Martin, who turns around in time to see the ball careen off his facemask. Tommy Barnhardt racks up the best New Orleans' offensive play thus far with a long punt that pins Tony Martin at the Falcons' 15-yard line.

Quarter Two
After a productive first quarter, Atlanta gets right back to work with a quick 19-yard pass from Miller to Mike Pritchard. Two plays later, Miller hits the rising Andre Rison near the Saints' 40-yard line to convert a new set of downs. The fresh Broussard picks up some positive yardage up the middle, and two plays later he's taking a pitch 14 yards to get inside the 30. When Broussard finds himself with a faceful of Bill Fralic butt on two plays in a row, Miller is forced to go back to the air. The long drive is capped with a pick by Sam Mills when Miller's vision is screened once again by the sumptuous curves of Fralic.

 Vaughn Dunbar takes his chances and rolls a 1 on New Orleans' first play of the drive. Craig Heyward only nets 5 more, though he's able to pick up 7 to give the Saints a first down for the first time in the game. Hebert's famous flea flicker is pulled in by Martin near the sidelines, and he carries it down to the Atlanta 25-yard line to finally threaten the dirty birds with time winding down. With 35 seconds left, Hebert's pass is harmlessly swatted away, leading Morten Andersen to come out and swing his Great Dane leg at the ball for a 45-yard field goal to put New Orleans on the board at the half.

Atlanta leads 16-3

Halftime - Saints 16, Falcons 3

Quarter Three
Hilliard's comeback campaign rolls along with the native Louisianian barreling his way past midfield to the Saints' 43-yard line. Hebert's first pass is too hot for Heyward to handle, yet Neon Deion has no issues with his next pass when he wraps his fingers around just his first interception of the year.

After another promising showing from Broussard on first down with a 9-yard run, Miller sears a pass through the air to his new favorite target, the journeyman Harper LeBel. LeBel continues to put on his yards-after-catch clinic with a Saints-repellant run to the New Orleans' 35-yard line. Miller tries to change things up with a pass to Pritchard, but finds himself licking his wounds after his second interception of the day to Sam Mills at the goal line.

From the shotgun formation, Hebert throws the ball as if it were a clump of wet laundry towards Heyward, who can't handle it. Early saves his quarterback on second down with a leaping grab that he takes to the Atlanta 47-yard line, but can't manage to repeat the feat on the next play. When Dunbar fails to turn around for the catch on second down and then falls down in front of a gaping hole on third, the Saints find themselves marching Barnhardt back out for a long punt that lands in the lap of a busker's monkey.

Miller has surprise written on his face when LeBel can't handle his pass on first down. Broussard and Miller pick up some yards on the ground as the third quarter threatens to close without any scoring. Miller lofts one in the air to Rison who picks up another long gain of 29 yards, though he's brought down near the 35 as the field prepares to flip.

Quarter Four
Miller continues the fancy footwork by daring the Dome Patrol with a long 17-yard gain to get inside the red zone. The next three plays put the Falcons' offensive weak spots under a microscope, though it's Norm Johnson's noodle leg that keeps Atlanta from extending their lead with a miss from just 32 yards away.

The Saints go the unorthodox route with a Dunbar run on first down and down by 13 in the 4th quarter. His pickup of 8 yards is admirable, if not defeatist, though Hebert washes away the questioning with a Hail Mary tossup to Martin that's just off the receiver's fingertips. Heyward picks up the first down on the next play, but his next four runs in a row have fans of Hebert wondering if the Ragin' Cajun has finally hit the Lamella-framed dome roof as time nears triple zeroes in the fourth. With just over a minute remaining, Hebert finally gets enough air under the ball to first complete a pass to Heyward for a first down, followed by a flea flicker to a diving Early in the end zone for the Saints' first, yet quite belated, touchdown of the game.

Atlanta leads 16-10

There remains enough hope for New Orleans in the eternal springs when Eric Martin covers the bumbling onside kick by Mortensen at the Atlanta 45-yard line with just 40 seconds remaining. Moe Gardner adds another 10-yard sack of Hebert on first down, adding another peak to the Everest that lies between the Saints and the end zone. The next play becomes one of the most bizarre this season, beginning when Hebert's pass goes in Early's direction. Perhaps seeing the clock loudly tick down to zero, Early sucks the ball in and then immediately spits it back out on to the Mardi Grass. With the game in the balance, the very last person the Saints want to see pick up the ball outside of a gray jersey does so, and Vaughn Dunbar races at a snail's pace towards the end zone before crossing his ankles at the 9-yard line to keep the Saints an entire Moe Gardner sack away from tying this once-runaway game up.

Final: Falcons 16, Saints 10


The Falcons never scored after the first quarter, while the Saints didn't get their first touchdown until just a minute left in the fourth. It was an odd game between two teams that had been expected to put on a fireworks show on Monday Night, yet looked like a bottom-barrel headbutt-fest of two teams far too inept for the crownings they've been getting all season. Though Miller wasn't the most efficient, his feet kept his team in the lead the entire time, a promising sign for the Falcons in their postseason endeavors. For the Saints, however, the team ranked at or near Number One all season had a quarterback complete about one in four passes, if he even threw that many, with about as many yards thrown in the game as he'd usually complete in his first drive of the first 13 games this season. For our eyes and brains we hope to see any postseason rematches contain a little more heart, but for now the Falcons move into first place as the only team with double-digit wins. Meanwhile, New Orleans' Coach Jim Mora may be hitting double digit bourbon shots before the clock moves into Tuesday.



Sunday, December 9, 2012

Week Fourteen: The Apoca-Lipps is Nigh

Here we are, at the beginning of the end of another Tecmo Bowl season. Tis the season for spiked egg nog and apocalypse predictions, and for some of the teams on our schedule the world is truly about to end. As far as scheduling goes, it's the fourth quarter with no clear indication of who's going to pull ahead in five of six divisions. In the NFC West, the Falcons and Saints are tied atop the division with neither team showing any give. Both teams are stacked, from Atlanta's Neon Deion to New Orleans' Bobby Hebert and his dynamic corps of Eric Martin, Quinn Early and...Louis Lipps? (Okay, we're stretching). For the AFC West, it's only a matter of how badly the Chargers want some type of postseason advantage. It's the pre-Norv Turner days in San Diego, though that doesn't mean choking isn't in their bolted blood. Let's see how much longer they can prolong the hopeful misery in their division.


1:00 Games

L.A. Raiders (6-6) * Kansas City (2-10)
The Raiders aren't making an improbable surge to a division championship easy with this throwaway game going Kansas City's way. The Chiefs scored 14 points in the 4th quarter of a game Los Angeles was hardly in to begin with. A week after shaming the sure-handed Stan Humphries to stay alive, the Raiders secondary was gobbled up by a starved and rabies-infested Dave Krieg who tossed for 245 yards, 116 going to concrete-footed running back-turned-receiver Barry Word.  

Final Score: Chiefs 35, Raiders 24

Dallas (8-4) * Denver (5-7)
With Kelvin Martin out early, the Cowboys trod dangerously close to their first loss in five games. Rushing leader Emmitt Smith yanked them out from the claws of defeat with another stellar day of 115 yards on 10 carries, slightly outdoing Reggie Rivers' 7-for-29 day. While quarterbacks Troy Aikman and John Elway weren't a clinic in efficiency, it was the younger phenom that led his team to an important victory with 170 yards and no interceptions to Elway's 194 with 2. The Broncos wave goodbye to the 1992 playoffs in the process.

Final Score: Cowboys 21, Broncos 17

San Francisco (8-4) * Miami (8-3-1)
The rising tide in South Beach continues as Dan Marino rides the wave of 374 passing yards to victory over the suddenly stalled 49ers. San Francisco quarterback Steve Young had one of his better days as well with 78% completion and 257 yards, though his demons revolted a bit earlier in the game with 2 interceptions, including a costly one that had them lose in overtime in the end. Miami increases their gap in the AFC East, while the 49ers are quickly finding themselves being the first of the three heads to be lopped off in the NFC West. 

Final Score: Dolphins 41, 49ers 35 (OT)

Houston (8-4) * Chicago (8-4)
After being silenced all game, Warren Moon went to his happy place and took his team through the air for a late score to win. The Bears won the time of possession game, putting late-season All-star Brad Muster on the ground for 17 carries and 111 yards, out-rushing Lorenzo White's 69 yards on 6 attempts. It was White out of the backfield for Moon that won the game, however, catching 3 passes for 109 yards including the game-winner. The illicit haze in the AFC Central is beginning to settle with Houston in a dominant lead. 

Final Score: Oilers 16, Bears 14

San Diego (9-3) * Phoenix (1-11)
The Phoenix Cardinals' probable last win of the season is a stinging one for the San Diego Chargers, who will have to halt the presses in South America for another week with this one-point loss to the worst team in Tecmo. With Nate Lewis going out early, Stan Humphries stalled at 220 yards with no rushing game to speak of. The Cardinals took charge at that point, putting Johnny Bailey on the ground for 86 yards until his own injury. With his recent struggles, John Carney will likely have to buy his own ball cap should San Diego finally win the division. 

Final Score: Cardinals 31, Chargers 30

Washington (7-5) * N.Y. Giants (3-9)
The Redskins take a hugely unfortunate step back in their campaign to retain their championship with this questionable loss to the Giants. With Hampton rushing a 10-yard average 125 yards on 12 attempts and Jeff Hostetler surpassing the 200-yard marker on the day, the Giants cruised to an improbable successful spoiler win over Washington, whose own Mark Rypien had no answers for a secondary that picked him 3 times and held him to just 116 yards. After a disappointing season, New York has this Sunday to revel in the spoils. 

Final Score: Giants 28, Redskins 21

Philadelphia (9-3) * Minnesota (8-4)
A puzzling day in the NFC East continues with this Eagles loss to the hobbled Minnesota Vikings. Rich Gannon was efficient enough to deliver his Vikings a much-needed win late. Randall Cunningham threw 83% and 142 yards, though 100 of those yards were notched on just 2 catches by Fred Barnett, and the gassed Eagles defense was on the field for one play too many. Minnesota moves one step forward in a repeat claim, knocking the cheese out of the lungs of Packers' fans' playoff hopes in the process. 

Final Score: Vikings 24, Eagles 20

Green Bay (4-8) * Detroit (3-9)
With the scoreboard-watching going south for the Packers, the Detroit Lions pulled out yet another convincing win despite their own lopsided record. Barry Sanders was a yard shy of 200 after 18 carries on the ground, making up for much of the Lions' offense. Brett Favre came unglued once again, throwing 276 yards with 124 going to Jackie Harris, but his untamed arm also cost the Packers two possessions with interceptions by a hungry Lions team. It's back to another long, cold winter of skunky beer for Green Bay.

Final Score: Lions 23, Packers 21

Cleveland (5-7) * Cincinnati (6-6)
The battle for Ohio takes on somewhat added meaning with this contest, as the Browns pull out a very important win to stay alive in their division as well as the wild card race. After dropping 4 straight, Cleveland got back on track by defeating the team they last won against. The defense of the Browns won the day, making a depressing Tomczak performance look Marino-esque in comparison to Boomer's 42% and just 89 yards throwing. Cleveland hopes to stay under the radar after the win, as those are the best conditions for Coach Belichick to ferment.

Final Score: Browns 24, Bengals 14

4:00 Games

Pittsburgh (7-5) * Seattle (4-8)
The Steelers took care of business against Seattle after big wins by Houston and Cleveland, uncorking Barry Foster for another jaw-dropping performance of 124 yards on only 6 carries. His 37 yards out of the backfield were more than half of Neil O'Donnell's 62 yards, a man that looked totally inept compared to the inconsistent yet effective Stan Gelbaugh and his 223 yards with 2 interceptions. The long season for Seattle ends with the sound of a squeaky carousel coming to a slow and silent stop.

Final Score: Steelers 35, Seahawks 21


N.Y. Jets (7-4-1) * Buffalo (7-5)
The New York Jets wished they'd played the Buffalo team of the first half of the season, as they might have been able to fool them into losing like they've done 7 other times. But with Thurman Thomas outrunning Brad Baxter 163 yards to 50, the battle for quarterbacks disowned by their high schools raged in utter silence between Browning Nagle's 132 yards to Jim Kelly's 80 with an interception. Buffalo pulled out the win in overtime, something they may have failed at earlier, and their fourth win in a row is enough to seal the deal on New England and Seattle's official playoff pipe dreams. 

Final Score: Bills 20, Jets 17 (OT)

L.A. Rams (6-6) * Tampa Bay (5-7)
Had the Rams played in an alternate dimension of divisions, they'd be in good shape for a late-season playoff surge. As it is, they're now playing for respect and a hard-fought wild card spot as they notch another solid win against Tampa Bay. Jim Everett was key with 241 yards, aided by Cleveland Gary's 81 yards on 7 rushes, silencing the lethargic Buccaneers who, at this point, couldn't even raid their own sisters' panty drawers. Tampa Bay drops out of the NFC Central race while also clinging on with sheer indifference to a wild card spot.

Final Score: Rams 27, Buccaneers 21

Indianapolis (2-10) * New England (3-9)
The Colts win in rousing fashion against their airless opponents in the AFC East, ending a team-worst 10-game losing streak with a rout of the Patriots. Not only did Jeff George throw an unblemished 266 yards, he was also able to fool the Patriots defense long enough to let Anthony Johnson run unchallenged for 139 yards on 14 carries. Kevin Turner continued his one-man band show with 89 yards on just 7 carries, but it wasn't enough to pull his Patriots out of the pit of the late season Toilet Bowl game. 

Final Score: Colts 34, Patriots 10 

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Before you find yourself with the need to hide your excitement of our Monday Night game between Atlanta and New Orleans, be sure to check our belated 4th Quarter report!  Butt Douglas and the Lodgefather hit the inside track to deliver you thoughts and predictions on these last 4 exciting weeks of football. The Power Rankings continue, though this time they're broken up into groupings as to where they stand in the playoff pecking order. Take a listen during your tailgate party, and then be sure to join us for our first-place tiebreaker in the NFC West between the surging Falcons and the sinful Saints! All the slurry sweetness of the Southern contest will have you checking your blood sugar early and often!





PLAYOFF SCENARIOS (3 GAMES TO GO):
AFC East
Miami (9-3-1)
Buffalo (8-5) -1.5
NY Jets (7-5-1) -2 (Lose AND Mia win and out)
New England (3-9) E
Indianapolis (2-10) E

AFC Central
Houston (9-4)
Pittsburgh (8-5) -1
Cincinnati (6-7) -3 (Lose and out OR HOU win and out)
Cleveland (6-7) -3 (Lose and out OR HOU win and out)

AFC West
San Diego (9-4) DIVISION with win OR Raiders loss
LA Raiders (6-7) -3 (Lose and out OR SD win and out)
Denver (5-8) E
Seattle (4-9) E
Kansas City (3-10) E

Wild Card
Buffalo (8-5)
Pittsburgh (8-5)
NY Jets (7-5-1)
Cincinnati (6-7) -1.5
Cleveland (6-7) -1.5
LA Raiders (6-7) -1.5
Denver (5-8) -2.5 (Lose and out OR BUF, PIT and JET wins and out)
Seattle (4-9) E
Kansas City (3-10) E
New England (3-10) E
Indianapolis (3-10) E




PLAYOFF SCENARIOS (3 GAMES TO GO)
NFC East
Dallas (9-4)
Philadelphia (9-4)
Washington (7-6) -2 (Lose AND DAL or PHI win and out)
NY Giants (4-9) E
Phoenix (2-11) E

NFC Central
Minnesota (9-4)
Chicago (8-5) -1
Tampa Bay (5-8) E
Detroit (3-9) E
Green Bay (4-9) E

NFC West
Atlanta (10-3)
New Orleans (9-4) -1
San Francisco (8-5) -2 (Lose AND ATL win and out)
LA Rams (7-6) -3 (Lose and out OR ATL win and out)

Wild Card
New Orleans (9-4)
Philadelphia (9-4)
San Francisco (8-5)
Chicago (8-5)
Washington (7-6) -1
LA Rams (7-6) -1
Tampa Bay (5-8) -3 (Lose and out OR SF or CHI win and out)
Detroit (4-9) E
NY Giants (4-9) E
Green Bay (4-9) E
Phoenix (2-11) E