Sunday, December 9, 2012

Week Fourteen: The Apoca-Lipps is Nigh

Here we are, at the beginning of the end of another Tecmo Bowl season. Tis the season for spiked egg nog and apocalypse predictions, and for some of the teams on our schedule the world is truly about to end. As far as scheduling goes, it's the fourth quarter with no clear indication of who's going to pull ahead in five of six divisions. In the NFC West, the Falcons and Saints are tied atop the division with neither team showing any give. Both teams are stacked, from Atlanta's Neon Deion to New Orleans' Bobby Hebert and his dynamic corps of Eric Martin, Quinn Early and...Louis Lipps? (Okay, we're stretching). For the AFC West, it's only a matter of how badly the Chargers want some type of postseason advantage. It's the pre-Norv Turner days in San Diego, though that doesn't mean choking isn't in their bolted blood. Let's see how much longer they can prolong the hopeful misery in their division.


1:00 Games

L.A. Raiders (6-6) * Kansas City (2-10)
The Raiders aren't making an improbable surge to a division championship easy with this throwaway game going Kansas City's way. The Chiefs scored 14 points in the 4th quarter of a game Los Angeles was hardly in to begin with. A week after shaming the sure-handed Stan Humphries to stay alive, the Raiders secondary was gobbled up by a starved and rabies-infested Dave Krieg who tossed for 245 yards, 116 going to concrete-footed running back-turned-receiver Barry Word.  

Final Score: Chiefs 35, Raiders 24

Dallas (8-4) * Denver (5-7)
With Kelvin Martin out early, the Cowboys trod dangerously close to their first loss in five games. Rushing leader Emmitt Smith yanked them out from the claws of defeat with another stellar day of 115 yards on 10 carries, slightly outdoing Reggie Rivers' 7-for-29 day. While quarterbacks Troy Aikman and John Elway weren't a clinic in efficiency, it was the younger phenom that led his team to an important victory with 170 yards and no interceptions to Elway's 194 with 2. The Broncos wave goodbye to the 1992 playoffs in the process.

Final Score: Cowboys 21, Broncos 17

San Francisco (8-4) * Miami (8-3-1)
The rising tide in South Beach continues as Dan Marino rides the wave of 374 passing yards to victory over the suddenly stalled 49ers. San Francisco quarterback Steve Young had one of his better days as well with 78% completion and 257 yards, though his demons revolted a bit earlier in the game with 2 interceptions, including a costly one that had them lose in overtime in the end. Miami increases their gap in the AFC East, while the 49ers are quickly finding themselves being the first of the three heads to be lopped off in the NFC West. 

Final Score: Dolphins 41, 49ers 35 (OT)

Houston (8-4) * Chicago (8-4)
After being silenced all game, Warren Moon went to his happy place and took his team through the air for a late score to win. The Bears won the time of possession game, putting late-season All-star Brad Muster on the ground for 17 carries and 111 yards, out-rushing Lorenzo White's 69 yards on 6 attempts. It was White out of the backfield for Moon that won the game, however, catching 3 passes for 109 yards including the game-winner. The illicit haze in the AFC Central is beginning to settle with Houston in a dominant lead. 

Final Score: Oilers 16, Bears 14

San Diego (9-3) * Phoenix (1-11)
The Phoenix Cardinals' probable last win of the season is a stinging one for the San Diego Chargers, who will have to halt the presses in South America for another week with this one-point loss to the worst team in Tecmo. With Nate Lewis going out early, Stan Humphries stalled at 220 yards with no rushing game to speak of. The Cardinals took charge at that point, putting Johnny Bailey on the ground for 86 yards until his own injury. With his recent struggles, John Carney will likely have to buy his own ball cap should San Diego finally win the division. 

Final Score: Cardinals 31, Chargers 30

Washington (7-5) * N.Y. Giants (3-9)
The Redskins take a hugely unfortunate step back in their campaign to retain their championship with this questionable loss to the Giants. With Hampton rushing a 10-yard average 125 yards on 12 attempts and Jeff Hostetler surpassing the 200-yard marker on the day, the Giants cruised to an improbable successful spoiler win over Washington, whose own Mark Rypien had no answers for a secondary that picked him 3 times and held him to just 116 yards. After a disappointing season, New York has this Sunday to revel in the spoils. 

Final Score: Giants 28, Redskins 21

Philadelphia (9-3) * Minnesota (8-4)
A puzzling day in the NFC East continues with this Eagles loss to the hobbled Minnesota Vikings. Rich Gannon was efficient enough to deliver his Vikings a much-needed win late. Randall Cunningham threw 83% and 142 yards, though 100 of those yards were notched on just 2 catches by Fred Barnett, and the gassed Eagles defense was on the field for one play too many. Minnesota moves one step forward in a repeat claim, knocking the cheese out of the lungs of Packers' fans' playoff hopes in the process. 

Final Score: Vikings 24, Eagles 20

Green Bay (4-8) * Detroit (3-9)
With the scoreboard-watching going south for the Packers, the Detroit Lions pulled out yet another convincing win despite their own lopsided record. Barry Sanders was a yard shy of 200 after 18 carries on the ground, making up for much of the Lions' offense. Brett Favre came unglued once again, throwing 276 yards with 124 going to Jackie Harris, but his untamed arm also cost the Packers two possessions with interceptions by a hungry Lions team. It's back to another long, cold winter of skunky beer for Green Bay.

Final Score: Lions 23, Packers 21

Cleveland (5-7) * Cincinnati (6-6)
The battle for Ohio takes on somewhat added meaning with this contest, as the Browns pull out a very important win to stay alive in their division as well as the wild card race. After dropping 4 straight, Cleveland got back on track by defeating the team they last won against. The defense of the Browns won the day, making a depressing Tomczak performance look Marino-esque in comparison to Boomer's 42% and just 89 yards throwing. Cleveland hopes to stay under the radar after the win, as those are the best conditions for Coach Belichick to ferment.

Final Score: Browns 24, Bengals 14

4:00 Games

Pittsburgh (7-5) * Seattle (4-8)
The Steelers took care of business against Seattle after big wins by Houston and Cleveland, uncorking Barry Foster for another jaw-dropping performance of 124 yards on only 6 carries. His 37 yards out of the backfield were more than half of Neil O'Donnell's 62 yards, a man that looked totally inept compared to the inconsistent yet effective Stan Gelbaugh and his 223 yards with 2 interceptions. The long season for Seattle ends with the sound of a squeaky carousel coming to a slow and silent stop.

Final Score: Steelers 35, Seahawks 21


N.Y. Jets (7-4-1) * Buffalo (7-5)
The New York Jets wished they'd played the Buffalo team of the first half of the season, as they might have been able to fool them into losing like they've done 7 other times. But with Thurman Thomas outrunning Brad Baxter 163 yards to 50, the battle for quarterbacks disowned by their high schools raged in utter silence between Browning Nagle's 132 yards to Jim Kelly's 80 with an interception. Buffalo pulled out the win in overtime, something they may have failed at earlier, and their fourth win in a row is enough to seal the deal on New England and Seattle's official playoff pipe dreams. 

Final Score: Bills 20, Jets 17 (OT)

L.A. Rams (6-6) * Tampa Bay (5-7)
Had the Rams played in an alternate dimension of divisions, they'd be in good shape for a late-season playoff surge. As it is, they're now playing for respect and a hard-fought wild card spot as they notch another solid win against Tampa Bay. Jim Everett was key with 241 yards, aided by Cleveland Gary's 81 yards on 7 rushes, silencing the lethargic Buccaneers who, at this point, couldn't even raid their own sisters' panty drawers. Tampa Bay drops out of the NFC Central race while also clinging on with sheer indifference to a wild card spot.

Final Score: Rams 27, Buccaneers 21

Indianapolis (2-10) * New England (3-9)
The Colts win in rousing fashion against their airless opponents in the AFC East, ending a team-worst 10-game losing streak with a rout of the Patriots. Not only did Jeff George throw an unblemished 266 yards, he was also able to fool the Patriots defense long enough to let Anthony Johnson run unchallenged for 139 yards on 14 carries. Kevin Turner continued his one-man band show with 89 yards on just 7 carries, but it wasn't enough to pull his Patriots out of the pit of the late season Toilet Bowl game. 

Final Score: Colts 34, Patriots 10 

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Before you find yourself with the need to hide your excitement of our Monday Night game between Atlanta and New Orleans, be sure to check our belated 4th Quarter report!  Butt Douglas and the Lodgefather hit the inside track to deliver you thoughts and predictions on these last 4 exciting weeks of football. The Power Rankings continue, though this time they're broken up into groupings as to where they stand in the playoff pecking order. Take a listen during your tailgate party, and then be sure to join us for our first-place tiebreaker in the NFC West between the surging Falcons and the sinful Saints! All the slurry sweetness of the Southern contest will have you checking your blood sugar early and often!





PLAYOFF SCENARIOS (3 GAMES TO GO):
AFC East
Miami (9-3-1)
Buffalo (8-5) -1.5
NY Jets (7-5-1) -2 (Lose AND Mia win and out)
New England (3-9) E
Indianapolis (2-10) E

AFC Central
Houston (9-4)
Pittsburgh (8-5) -1
Cincinnati (6-7) -3 (Lose and out OR HOU win and out)
Cleveland (6-7) -3 (Lose and out OR HOU win and out)

AFC West
San Diego (9-4) DIVISION with win OR Raiders loss
LA Raiders (6-7) -3 (Lose and out OR SD win and out)
Denver (5-8) E
Seattle (4-9) E
Kansas City (3-10) E

Wild Card
Buffalo (8-5)
Pittsburgh (8-5)
NY Jets (7-5-1)
Cincinnati (6-7) -1.5
Cleveland (6-7) -1.5
LA Raiders (6-7) -1.5
Denver (5-8) -2.5 (Lose and out OR BUF, PIT and JET wins and out)
Seattle (4-9) E
Kansas City (3-10) E
New England (3-10) E
Indianapolis (3-10) E




PLAYOFF SCENARIOS (3 GAMES TO GO)
NFC East
Dallas (9-4)
Philadelphia (9-4)
Washington (7-6) -2 (Lose AND DAL or PHI win and out)
NY Giants (4-9) E
Phoenix (2-11) E

NFC Central
Minnesota (9-4)
Chicago (8-5) -1
Tampa Bay (5-8) E
Detroit (3-9) E
Green Bay (4-9) E

NFC West
Atlanta (10-3)
New Orleans (9-4) -1
San Francisco (8-5) -2 (Lose AND ATL win and out)
LA Rams (7-6) -3 (Lose and out OR ATL win and out)

Wild Card
New Orleans (9-4)
Philadelphia (9-4)
San Francisco (8-5)
Chicago (8-5)
Washington (7-6) -1
LA Rams (7-6) -1
Tampa Bay (5-8) -3 (Lose and out OR SF or CHI win and out)
Detroit (4-9) E
NY Giants (4-9) E
Green Bay (4-9) E
Phoenix (2-11) E

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