Seventeen weeks ago, a journey began. We were different people then, sporting shorts, tank tops and sunburns. Now we're huddled near the fireplace with mugs of hot cocoa, still hungover from the doctored egg nog at Christmas. We've seen teams rise and fall, some stay the course, and others ride up from behind like your outgrown boxer shorts to surprise us all. Sixteen teams are still in it, but when the dust settles only twelve will remain. Let's get to it.
AFC East
The Bills stormed out from relative mediocrity to quickly snatch up a division championship before the Dolphins had a chance to recover from a three-game skid. With their win last week, however, Miami took their rightful seat in the playoffs and are now just looking for a home game, which they can clinch with another win against New York at home. Buffalo can clinch a number one seed with a win against the lowly Lions, paired with a Houston loss.
AFC Central
Houston took control of the division many weeks ago, but just when it looked like the rest of the division was going to be quiet, the Cincinnati Bengals marched out of nowhere to rack up three wins in a row and put themselves in a desirable spot for a wild card berth heading into week 17.
Houston can clinch a number one seed with a win in New York against a hot Giants team, but could also take it with a Buffalo loss regardless of what happens.
Cincinnati can clinch a playoff spot with a win against New England at home, or could back in with losses from both Denver and Los Angeles.
AFC West
Seattle has the tiebreaker, so are technically already in the playoffs. The only thing to decide is the division, which they take with a win over the Rams or a San Diego loss in Denver.
San Diego takes it home with a win against Denver paired with a Seattle loss. If the Chargers lose it, they'll need some help from Steve Grogan in Cincinnati.
Denver has to take out San Diego at home, and will also need Seattle to fall big time for a shot at the division.
Los Angeleswill have to beat the Chiefs at home, and look for both Cincinnati and Denver to lose to keep Bo Jackson out of training camp.
NFC East
The New York Football Giants were the success story of the division this year, and would have already clinched mathematically if not for Tecmo's 'anything can happen' attitude. Washington and Philadelphia will also fight for a playoff berth in the final week.
New York can take the number two seed with a win against Houston and a San Francisco loss.
Washington can claim a spot by beating Philadelphia or watching a loss from any one of three teams in Los Angeles, Green Bay or Chicago.
Philadelphia has a similar fate.
NFC Central
Minnesota has been the story of the NFC Central, but after claiming the number one seed last week we now turn our attention to the fading playoff hopes of Green Bay and Chicago.
Green Bay is in with a win, and out with a loss. Simple as that.
Chicago is still mathematically in it, but they need to beat San Francisco and hope for losses from Green Bay or Los Angeles to have a shot.
NFC West
It's been a two-team race for the most part between the 49ers and Rams, despite spotty solid play from the Saints and Falcons. The 49ers have this division in the bag after a huge 9-game win streak, but the Rams still have a chance to regain their early-season prime and make some noise in the postseason.
San Francisco could take the number two seed with a defeat of Chicago paired with a Giants loss.
Los Angeles is in simply with a win, but could follow Cleveland Gary in the back door with a loss from either Green Bay or Chicago.
There isn't a featured game this week, but to reward your loyal patronage of this increasingly pointless blog we're going to do short vignettes of seven of the more meaningful games. And they are (in no particular order):
San Diego (9-6) at Denver (8-7)
Minnesota (12-3) at Green Bay (8-6-1)
New England (3-12) at Cincinnati (8-7)
Seattle (9-6) at L.A. Rams (9-6)
Philadelphia (9-6) at Washington (9-6) (if necessary) Chicago (8-7) at San Francisco (10-5)
See you at the pre-game ceremonies, which include a return of the ever-popular 'Keg Stand with Joe Namath'!
It's Wednesday night, so you all know what that means! That's right, a regulated NFL game between two teams featuring rosters 20 years old. Also, it means that your dear writer is about chin deep in "what-have-I-got-myself-into"-ness. But you should feel blessed; while the rest of the world pretends to root for one irrelevant college team versus another irrelevant college team during bowl season, you get to see two teams duke it out in proper 8-bit fashion. Tonight, the 12-2 Minnesota Vikings travel to the west coast to jam their purple shoes into the throats of the 8-6 Los Angeles Rams. With a loss, the Rams will hand over the division to the 49ers and exchange their unis for some cabana gear, but with a win, they keep the oxygen pumping through the tanks for a shot at the impossible. While the 49ers are hoping that Minnesota hasn't packed it in already, the fact that the men in purple have locked up home field means that our worlds should most likely be rocked by none other than Mr. Rich Gannon.
1991: When footballs apparently had teeth, or poison
Quarter One
Gaston Green takes the kickoff, and then becomes this week's particular Los Angeles pariah when he fumbles it over to Minnesota at the Rams' 33-yard line. We can't fault him too much, however, as the Vikings gave the Rams about 15 seconds to recover it themselves. I guess it really is about who wants it more.
On the Vikings' first possession, Wade Wilson drops back but overthrows Steve Jordan in the end zone. Wilson passes from the gun on the next play, and flips it to Jordan for a 5-yard gain and a nice round of polite applause from the Rams fans. Rick Fenney takes the carry on third down, but only nets 3 yards to initiate the first Fuad Reveiz sequence of the day. Mr. Automatic is having problems with his clutch, however, and banks the 43-yard attempt off the right upright. The ball is given back to Los Angeles in basically the same field position, minus about a minute and a half.
Gotta love that team blocking
The Rams choose a Curt Warner dash on first down, and Warner Jiffy Pops a few defenders off of him for 2-yard run that turns into a 10-yard gain and a first down. On second down, a purple wave washes over Jim Everett, led by Scott Studwell who drops the Rams' QB for a loss of 9. When Everett's first pass is blocked on its way to Henry Ellard, Los Angeles is suddenly facing a 3rd-and-19 situation. They go with their secret weapon, the man who's personality is so looming that they had to name him after a mid-size metropolitan area, and Cleveland Gary cruises for 31 yards. Two plays later, and Everett finds the Ellard hookup he missed out on before for a 41-yard touchdown.
Los Angeles leads 7-0
Herschel Walker takes his first carry, a kick return, out to the Minnesota 38-yard line. Wilson, who's first name should never be confused with 'Athleticism', scrambles out of a blitz and finds Fenney on the run for a 26-yard pass connection. One play later, and Wilson fools the Rams' 'D' and nobody else with a flea-flicker touchdown connection to Walker to make a game of it.
Score tied 7-7
With just seconds left in the quarter, Gaston Green gets the Rams into good starting position at midfield. Everett scrambles for a five yard gain into Vikings territory, only to flip the field when the quarter comes to a close.
If it weren't for Tecmo, we wouldn't know that Cleveland Gary was an amputee
Quarter Two
A lateral to Gary, first name Cleveland, only nets 3 more yards, and so the Rams face another precarious third down. Luckily for them, Warner hasn't had his third-down conversion appetite whetted in a while, so he gets the ball and gobbles up ten yards. Gary takes the ball 27 yards on the next play down to the Minnesota 3-yard line, but it takes two more plays before he's finally given the ball back to complete the score.
Los Angeles leads 14-7
Minnesota starts from their own 28-yard line. They quickly add another 50% of that with a 14-yard Hassan Jones reverse, and while the Rams wait for their watches to catch up with real time, Fenney guts it up the middle and then races 48 yards to the Rams' 10-yard line. The Jones reverse is inexplicably called, but it still nets another 6 yards. The final 4 are picked up on the third Jones reverse of the drive, and Jerry Burns is hailed as a cerebral coaching genius for about 0.7 seconds.
Score tied 14-14
With time running out on the half and knowing that the Vikings will be taking the ball directly afterwards, the Rams run three straight carries by Warner and Gary that net 19 yards. With just 24 seconds left, Everett goes for the gold, but overthrows 'Average' Willie Anderson at the 2-yard line. Warner scrambles for 4 yards to get into Mike Lansford territory, who nails it up the middle from 55 yards out. Somewhere Fuad Reveiz is asking for an advance on his weekly stipend.
Los Angeles leads 17-14
Physics were never Lansford's forte
Halftime - Rams 17, Vikings 14
Quarter Three
Walker zig-zags his return all the way to the Rams' 46-yard line to start the second half. Minnesota appears to boldly go for a third consecutive Jones reverse, but the play is predicted wisely by the Rams' 'D' and is blown up for a loss of 6. Back in their own side of the world, Walker takes the ball on a fake reverse for 16 yards and a first down. With that wild success, the Vikings decide to go back to Jones, but he loses 11 and the NFL Rules Committee is seriously thinking about revoking the earlier touchdown. Fenney is finally entrusted with the ball, but only gets 3 of those yards back and now Minnesota faces a 3rd-and-18 situation. A play action pass to Anthony Carter lands somewhere between Carter's hands and a nacho vendor 18 rows up, and Harry Newsome is on to show why he's paid the big bucks.
Doleman only knows 2 words: BLARRGHH and psychophysicotherapeutics
Chris Doleman takes a Minnesota-sized bite out of Everett on first down, and then spits him out two plays later with another sack on 3rd-and-21. The Rams barely avoid a safety, and immediately punt it back to the Vikings to get Doleman back to his psychological evaluation on the sidelines.
The Vikings start at midfield after a billowing punt from Keith English. After two unsuccessful flea flickers, one of which was dropped by Cris Carter at the Rams 5-yard line, the Vikings face a quick 3rd-and-10 situation. Walker tries his best to earn his $38,000 per carry, but only nets 8 yards and Newsome is on to play 500 with the Rams once again.
Gary runs twice consecutively for 23 yards as the quarter expires with no scores, but with Los Angeles charging.
We still don't know where Tecmo found this screenshot in their microprocessor
Quarter Four
The mysterious 'M.' Merriweather takes Everett down for another 10 yard loss and his fourth sack of the game. Jim's rage is felt on 3rd-and-15, however, when he keeps Punt-a-mania from forging ahead with a 22-yard connection to 'Fading Health' Willie Anderson. When the play is over and three purple jerseys are peeled off Anderson, the medical staff is on to cart him away. It's a deep cut into the Rams' offensive weaponry, but three plays later his replacement Derrick Faison shows incredible promise with a 45-yard snag that's good for Los Angeles' third touchdown of the game. And according to Stats LLC, it's one of Faison's three career receptions, so pat yourself on the back for getting to bear witness to such a rare and exciting feat.
Los Angeles leads 24-14
Walker fights his way to the Rams 44-yard line, his second return into L.A. territory today. After a wild overthrow of one of the Carters (we weren't paying attention), Wilson goes to Jones, who decides to perform one of his more common duties in actually catching the ball as a wide receiver. Jones zooms down to the Rams' 7-yard line, and two plays later Wilson's scrambling in for a Minnesota touchdown. But down by 3 with just two minutes to go, Fuad Reveiz is finishing witness protection paperwork in the tunnel before he kicks it back to the Rams.
Los Angeles leads 24-21
Gary scoops up the bumbled onside kick from Reveiz, who obviously has other things on his mind, and scoots around to hustle it all the way to the Vikings' 13-yard line. He gets the ball on first down for the inevitable score, and somewhere in South America the kids are getting ready for a Christmas filled with rejected San Francisco division champion shirts--at least for the time being. Los Angeles leads 31-21
Time runs out on Minnesota's chances for an improbable 13th win, although they'll have a chance next week with about 2 of their starters playing. Cris Carter makes things interesting with two huge catches that get the Vikings to the Rams 6-yard line, but with time expiring, the relevance of this is somewhere between 8th grade trigonometry and flossing with no dentist appointments in the near future. Final Score: Rams 31, Vikings 21
It was a game that meant everything to one team, and very little to the other. Still, it was a fun, offensive-in-a-good-way contest that showed off two potential playoff teams. We're excited to see what kind of damage Cleveland Gary can cause in the postseason if the Rams continue to roll, while we think the Rick Fenney factor is inversely proportional to Minnesota's own success on their march to the Tecmo Bowl. We're still not sure why the Vikings are the number one team this year, with two of their 8 plays consisting of a reverse and flea flicker that should doom them to Phoenix Cardinals island, but they've found a way to win which is the most important thing in Tecmo's NFL. Minnesota gets another team hungry for a shot in the playoffs with Green Bay next week, while Los Angeles has their own hands full with Seattle looking to not lose the AFC West championship. We know they're hoping for a quick return to 'Fast' status for Willie Anderson, otherwise the Rams are heading into shaky ground with their entire season on the line.
There's usually a lot to be said about teams that make it this far into the season and still have a glimmer of hope. No so much anymore; with only four teams clinching playoff berths, there's still a total of 15 more looking to join the party. Week 16 usually proves to be the wall that most of these teams hit and wind up sliding back down in defeat, with only a few leaping over to look forward to Week 17 glory.
1:00 Games
N.Y. Jets (4-10) at New England (3-11)
The Jets survive another game to stay ahead of New England in the junior varsity class of the AFC East. Ken O.Brien was the silent warrior, with only 105 passing yards, but his zero picks to Steve Grogan's 2 explain the small margin with which they won. John Stephens tried his best to keep his Pats in it with 11 rushes for 139 yards, but naturally New England's proclivity for putrid play makes me want to both vomit and write alliterations.
Final Score: Jets 17, Patriots 13
Green Bay (7-6-1) at Detroit (4-10)
Don Majkowski did his best to knock his own team out of the playoff hunt with 3 interceptions, but his brilliance was too hard to hold down. He threw for 240 yards, 167 of them to Sterling Sharpe, while Chris Jacke booted a late field goal to wreck a nice day for Barry Sanders, who had 132 yards on just 7 runs. We like the Packers to go far if they can get in, but if they can't, we'll try to be at least 100 miles away from Bob Nelson at all times.
Final Score: Packers 20, Lions 17
N.Y. Giants (10-4) at Washington (8-6)
The Redskins win a huge late-season divisional battle at home behind Earnest Byner's 90 rushing yards and Mark Rypien's standard perfect passing day. The Giants' offense was stifled with a combined 229 total combined yards, but the fact that they still scored 21 points has the rest of the division cowering under their security blankets. Washington takes a huge leap in the playoff wild card race, and can clinch a spot with an Eagles loss.
Final Score: Redskins 28, Giants 21
Pittsburgh (5-9) at Cincinnati (7-7)
Although most of us had our hands on the Bengals' life support, they just continue winning. They make fools of Pittsburgh in this one, with Boomer Esiason and Eddie Brown providing a one-two punch to keep the Steelers reeling. Depending on what happens the rest of the afternoon, the Bengals could be facing a clinching scenario next week against New England. Usually when we see 'Bengals' and 'clinching' together, it's in regards to a certain bodily function, and not playoff positioning.
Final Score: Bengals 24, Steelers 3
Another sunny day in Phoenix, and Denver's still frozen
Denver (8-6) at Phoenix (1-13)
Well, it happened. We knew that talent like Timm Rosenbach and Johnny Johnson couldn't be held to just one win, and they get their second here in a big way. Denver picked the wrong time to throw away a win to a non-contending team, as they may now be forced to back their way into the playoffs. Unfortunately, using the back door anywhere in Colorado usually leads to things that cannot be unseen.
Final Score: Cardinals 30, Broncos 21
Dallas (6-8) at Philadelphia (8-6)
The Cowboys lose what meager hopes they had for a spot in the playoffs at the expense of a divisional foe moving one step closer. The Eagles win here, setting up what may be the game of the week next week when they take on Washington for a wild card spot or, if something incredibly wild happens with the Giants, a division title. QB Eagles was brilliantly perfect with 237 yards and 0 picks, while Keith Byars had 146 all-purpose yards, and we think Philly may suddenly be one of the scarier teams going into the final week.
Final Score: Eagles 38, Cowboys 23
Which basically means he needs a new microcontroller
Kansas City (5-9) at San Francisco (10-4)
The Chiefs pull off what many teams much better than them couldn't do, and that was to halt the San Francisco 49ers in their tracks after a 9-game win streak. They went up by 17 points, only to have the 49ers come back to tie after Barry Word went out. But by returning the favor in knocking Roger Craig out, along with a late field goal by Nick 'The Kick' Lowery, the Chiefs followed through on their promise to do something worth their inclusion in this year's NFL season. The 49ers' run to another division title is stalled for the time being.
Final Score: Chiefs 20, 49ers 17
Miami (9-5) at San Diego (9-5)
The Dolphins clinch a wild card spot with the win here, but more importantly they keep the AFC West from being a watchable division by holding off the Chargers' championship party. Dan Marino threw for 232 yards, while Billy Joe only had 147 and 2 picks. At one point, the game was 29-0 in the fourth quarter, until the entire Miami team, coaching staff, trainers and water boys all went to Six Flags. And San Diego could still only muster 21 points after that.
Final Score: Dolphins 29, Chargers 21
L.A. Raiders (7-7) at New Orleans (6-8)
The Saints are out of it with the NFC East sweeps, but still manage to beat up on a punchless team in the Los Angeles Raiders. With still very much to play for, the Raiders instead send out their surly half and can't do enough to keep New Orleans from scoring the late touchdown to win. Steve Walsh had a 75% completion rate with 209 yards and 0 interceptions, and we're suddenly believers in a reality television show called QB swap, in which Walsh finally brings the Tecmo Raiders to a Super Bowl appearance.
Final Score: Saints 31, Raiders 24
4:00 Games
Seattle (8-6) at Atlanta (5-9)
The Seahawks take advantage of the San Diego loss to pull into a first-place tie heading into Week 17 with a huge 14-point comeback in the 4th quarter. Atlanta led in all major offensive categories, with 101 rushing yards and Miller tossing up 210 yards with a 78% completion rate, but Seattle still leads in weird programming glitches that allows them to always be the instigator in the AFC West dogfight each year.
Final Score: Seahawks 24, Falcons 21
Levy caught without his Bills sweater on Championship Day?
Indianapolis (5-9) at Buffalo (10-3-1)
The Bills already nabbed the bye week with the San Diego loss, but with the formulaic win here against Indy they also steal the division championship from Miami. After trailing the Dolphins for much of the year, Buffalo has gotten hot at the right time with QB Bills tossing 240 yards and Thurman Thomas rushing for a robust 10 yards per carry. Just as we were about to say it, we noticed that another round of 'F*** the Bills' t-shirts were being printed for the 15,000th time since Tecmo's release.
Final Score: Bills 35, Colts 10
Tampa Bay (6-8) at Chicago (7-7)
Probably too little, too late, the Bears take care of business at home against a tough Tampa Bay squad, as Neal Anderson ran up and down for 132 yards on 13 carries while also finding time to pull in 161 receiving yards on 7 grabs. While we know any team would hate to see Anderson in the playoffs, they need about 90% of the NFC to lose next week to back in, and that's even with the Fridge leading the charge.
Final Score: Bears 31, Buccaneers 10
Houston (11-3) at Cleveland (6-8)
The Oilers take one step closer to clinching home field with this divisional win against Cleveland. Although the Oilers' defensive star shone brightly with 3 picks of QB Browns, it appears Warren Moon has gotten himself polished up nicely for the postseason with 413 passing yards and 0 picks. Houston has had a quietly dominant season, but we're looking forward to seeing what they can do against teams that aren't sucky enough to push away even pixellated Tecmo fans from their stadium.
So it appears those candy canes were more potent than I thought, and I somehow woke up mid-week after the post-Christmas festivities that mostly included sugar cookies and Old Milwaukee. Therefore, we have a rare Wednesday night football contest leading up to Week 17 between the Minnesota Vikings and Los Angeles Rams. Will we see the Vikings roll to another win after clinching the all-important home field advantage in the playoffs? Or will we see the Rams take advantage of a huge 49ers loss and pull within one game with one to go? The Rams lost control of the race mid-way through the season, but could come back in a big way with a win at home against the league-best Vikings. Although we heard the Vikings were tough, we also heard Wade Wilson mistake Jim Everett for a star female tennis player, which doesn't bode well for them or their tables covered in Gatorade cups.
AFC East
AFC Central
NFC Central
NFC West
