1:00 Games
N.Y. Jets (4-10) at New England (3-11)
The Jets survive another game to stay ahead of New England in the junior varsity class of the AFC East. Ken O.Brien was the silent warrior, with only 105 passing yards, but his zero picks to Steve Grogan's 2 explain the small margin with which they won. John Stephens tried his best to keep his Pats in it with 11 rushes for 139 yards, but naturally New England's proclivity for putrid play makes me want to both vomit and write alliterations.
Final Score: Jets 17, Patriots 13
Green Bay (7-6-1) at Detroit (4-10)
Don Majkowski did his best to knock his own team out of the playoff hunt with 3 interceptions, but his brilliance was too hard to hold down. He threw for 240 yards, 167 of them to Sterling Sharpe, while Chris Jacke booted a late field goal to wreck a nice day for Barry Sanders, who had 132 yards on just 7 runs. We like the Packers to go far if they can get in, but if they can't, we'll try to be at least 100 miles away from Bob Nelson at all times.
Final Score: Packers 20, Lions 17
N.Y. Giants (10-4) at Washington (8-6)
The Redskins win a huge late-season divisional battle at home behind Earnest Byner's 90 rushing yards and Mark Rypien's standard perfect passing day. The Giants' offense was stifled with a combined 229 total combined yards, but the fact that they still scored 21 points has the rest of the division cowering under their security blankets. Washington takes a huge leap in the playoff wild card race, and can clinch a spot with an Eagles loss.
Final Score: Redskins 28, Giants 21
Pittsburgh (5-9) at Cincinnati (7-7)
Although most of us had our hands on the Bengals' life support, they just continue winning. They make fools of Pittsburgh in this one, with Boomer Esiason and Eddie Brown providing a one-two punch to keep the Steelers reeling. Depending on what happens the rest of the afternoon, the Bengals could be facing a clinching scenario next week against New England. Usually when we see 'Bengals' and 'clinching' together, it's in regards to a certain bodily function, and not playoff positioning.
Final Score: Bengals 24, Steelers 3
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| Another sunny day in Phoenix, and Denver's still frozen |
Denver (8-6) at Phoenix (1-13)
Well, it happened. We knew that talent like Timm Rosenbach and Johnny Johnson couldn't be held to just one win, and they get their second here in a big way. Denver picked the wrong time to throw away a win to a non-contending team, as they may now be forced to back their way into the playoffs. Unfortunately, using the back door anywhere in Colorado usually leads to things that cannot be unseen.
Final Score: Cardinals 30, Broncos 21
Dallas (6-8) at Philadelphia (8-6)
The Cowboys lose what meager hopes they had for a spot in the playoffs at the expense of a divisional foe moving one step closer. The Eagles win here, setting up what may be the game of the week next week when they take on Washington for a wild card spot or, if something incredibly wild happens with the Giants, a division title. QB Eagles was brilliantly perfect with 237 yards and 0 picks, while Keith Byars had 146 all-purpose yards, and we think Philly may suddenly be one of the scarier teams going into the final week.
Final Score: Eagles 38, Cowboys 23
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| Which basically means he needs a new microcontroller |
Kansas City (5-9) at San Francisco (10-4)
The Chiefs pull off what many teams much better than them couldn't do, and that was to halt the San Francisco 49ers in their tracks after a 9-game win streak. They went up by 17 points, only to have the 49ers come back to tie after Barry Word went out. But by returning the favor in knocking Roger Craig out, along with a late field goal by Nick 'The Kick' Lowery, the Chiefs followed through on their promise to do something worth their inclusion in this year's NFL season. The 49ers' run to another division title is stalled for the time being.
Final Score: Chiefs 20, 49ers 17
Miami (9-5) at San Diego (9-5)
The Dolphins clinch a wild card spot with the win here, but more importantly they keep the AFC West from being a watchable division by holding off the Chargers' championship party. Dan Marino threw for 232 yards, while Billy Joe only had 147 and 2 picks. At one point, the game was 29-0 in the fourth quarter, until the entire Miami team, coaching staff, trainers and water boys all went to Six Flags. And San Diego could still only muster 21 points after that.
Final Score: Dolphins 29, Chargers 21
L.A. Raiders (7-7) at New Orleans (6-8)
The Saints are out of it with the NFC East sweeps, but still manage to beat up on a punchless team in the Los Angeles Raiders. With still very much to play for, the Raiders instead send out their surly half and can't do enough to keep New Orleans from scoring the late touchdown to win. Steve Walsh had a 75% completion rate with 209 yards and 0 interceptions, and we're suddenly believers in a reality television show called QB swap, in which Walsh finally brings the Tecmo Raiders to a Super Bowl appearance.
Final Score: Saints 31, Raiders 24
4:00 Games
Seattle (8-6) at Atlanta (5-9)
The Seahawks take advantage of the San Diego loss to pull into a first-place tie heading into Week 17 with a huge 14-point comeback in the 4th quarter. Atlanta led in all major offensive categories, with 101 rushing yards and Miller tossing up 210 yards with a 78% completion rate, but Seattle still leads in weird programming glitches that allows them to always be the instigator in the AFC West dogfight each year.
Final Score: Seahawks 24, Falcons 21
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| Levy caught without his Bills sweater on Championship Day? |
Indianapolis (5-9) at Buffalo (10-3-1)
The Bills already nabbed the bye week with the San Diego loss, but with the formulaic win here against Indy they also steal the division championship from Miami. After trailing the Dolphins for much of the year, Buffalo has gotten hot at the right time with QB Bills tossing 240 yards and Thurman Thomas rushing for a robust 10 yards per carry. Just as we were about to say it, we noticed that another round of 'F*** the Bills' t-shirts were being printed for the 15,000th time since Tecmo's release.
Final Score: Bills 35, Colts 10
Tampa Bay (6-8) at Chicago (7-7)
Probably too little, too late, the Bears take care of business at home against a tough Tampa Bay squad, as Neal Anderson ran up and down for 132 yards on 13 carries while also finding time to pull in 161 receiving yards on 7 grabs. While we know any team would hate to see Anderson in the playoffs, they need about 90% of the NFC to lose next week to back in, and that's even with the Fridge leading the charge.
Final Score: Bears 31, Buccaneers 10
Houston (11-3) at Cleveland (6-8)
The Oilers take one step closer to clinching home field with this divisional win against Cleveland. Although the Oilers' defensive star shone brightly with 3 picks of QB Browns, it appears Warren Moon has gotten himself polished up nicely for the postseason with 413 passing yards and 0 picks. Houston has had a quietly dominant season, but we're looking forward to seeing what they can do against teams that aren't sucky enough to push away even pixellated Tecmo fans from their stadium.
Final Score: Oilers 45, Browns 21
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So it appears those candy canes were more potent than I thought, and I somehow woke up mid-week after the post-Christmas festivities that mostly included sugar cookies and Old Milwaukee. Therefore, we have a rare Wednesday night football contest leading up to Week 17 between the Minnesota Vikings and Los Angeles Rams. Will we see the Vikings roll to another win after clinching the all-important home field advantage in the playoffs? Or will we see the Rams take advantage of a huge 49ers loss and pull within one game with one to go? The Rams lost control of the race mid-way through the season, but could come back in a big way with a win at home against the league-best Vikings. Although we heard the Vikings were tough, we also heard Wade Wilson mistake Jim Everett for a star female tennis player, which doesn't bode well for them or their tables covered in Gatorade cups.
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