Looking Ahead: Week Sixteen

While you've been busy making lists and checking it twice, we're out to find out who's going to be naughty and nice as this triumphant Tecmo Bowl season draws to a close. In the naughty column are a few teams that seem to enjoy being trampled upon each week as if they have some Freudian urge to be spanked, along with some underachieving teams that started with so much promise and then got sidetracked by a pretty cheerleader along the way. On the nice list are teams ready to clinch this week, so hopefully we'll see some good ol' slobberknockers; otherwise, this may end up like Christmas of '95 when you unwrapped your cousin's used Sega Saturn.

D.C. never forgets.

We begin the afternoon by unwrapping the biggest gift first when New York travels to the nation's capital to hold off the Redskins and claim a division crown, something that many early season prognosticators thought would elude them after a 1-4 start. It'll be two stud quarterbacks, two hard-running halfbacks, and two of the toughest defenses in the league. I'm starting to regret chugging that last half-gallon of egg-nog, for I'm ready to barf with excitement!

Who would have thunk that the Bengals would still be in the picture in Week 16? We're thinking not even the wise Boomer Esiason, until their pivotal win against Miami last week. They welcome Pittsburgh to town with the hopes of moving ahead in the pack and fight for a wild card spot in the end. The Bengals made short work of Pittsburgh in Week 11 during Monday Night Football, but with a chance to end their divisional foes' run to the postseason, you can bet Bubby and the gang will be ready to yank on the ol' choke collar around Boomer's neck.

The afternoon winds down with Miami and San Diego feasting on each other. They're two teams destined for the playoffs, but how they get there and where they wind up may be determined by this late-season battle. The Dolphins travel cross-country to the hostile Jack Murphy Stadium on a three-game skid, trying to turn things around to gain some momentum. Meanwhile, the Chargers, behind enigmatic QB B.J. Tolliver, will hope to continue rolling to an improbable division title in the AFC West and close out one of the more exciting races of the year.

Mrs. Muster's Baby Boy

The late afternoon doesn't provide much hype, although two AFC West teams in Seattle and Los Angeles may be fighting for their playoff lives depending on what happens earlier in the day. Perhaps the most intriguing match-up will be Tampa Bay visiting Chicago, where the Bears hope to steal a wild card position from Green Bay. Tampa Bay has won some big games this year, and although they're on their way out they could shock the Monsters of the Midway with a big upset win. Chicago has had an up-and-down season all year, either winning games so dominantly they seemed unstoppable, or putting up numbers even Ken O.Brien couldn't stifle a laugh at. The Buccaneers are far from a solid team, but have been on upset patrol all year. Unfortunately, they'll be playing a late-season Brad Muster, who has more than postseason glory to fight for this year.

And finally, in what we're sad to say is our last Monday Night game of the year (yeah right), the surprise of this year's The Tecmo Bowl season, the 12-2 Minnesota Vikings, travel to the bright lights of Los Angeles with a chance to gain a first-week bye by wiping out the fading Rams' playoff hopes. L.A. started strong behind the sorcerer of the Tecmo world, Jim Everett, and a strong defense, but since then have watched their perennial bully, San Francisco, pass them up and put a Roddy Piper-magnitude sleeperhold on the NFC West. The Vikings don't possess many strong features, which is why they're such an out-of-nowhere pick for No.1 seed in the NFC, but what they do have is a strong safety that they keep chained in the basement each week, withheld of any food or substantial water, and eyes pinned open to watch doctored footage of the next week's quarterback pushing his mother over and laughing. And that man's name is Joey Browner.

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AFC
1. *Houston (11-3)
2. Buffalo (10-3-1)
3. San Diego (9-5)

Wild Card
4. Miami (9-5)
5. Seattle (8-6)
6. Denver (8-6)

On the Bubble
L.A. Raiders (7-7)
Cincinnati (7-7)

Cleveland (6-8)

Playoff Scenarios:

AFC East
Bills clinch division and 1st round bye with win OR Dolphins loss

Dolphins clinch playoff spot with win

AFC Central

Oilers clinch 1st round bye with win OR Dolphins loss

AFC West

Chargers clinch playoff spot with win

Chargers clinch division with win AND Seahawks AND Broncos loss

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NFC

1. *Minnesota (12-2)

2. ^N.Y. Giants (10-4)
3. ^San Francisco (10-4)

Wild Card
4. Washington (8-6)
5. L.A. Rams (8-6)

6. Philadelphia (8-6)

On the Bubble
  Green Bay (7-6-1)

Chicago (7-7)
Tampa Bay (6-8)
Dallas (6-8)

Playoff Scenarios:

NFC East
Giants clinch division with win OR Redskins AND Eagles loss

NFC Central

Vikings clinch 1st-round bye with win OR Giants AND 49ers loss

NFC West

49ers clinch division with win OR L.A. Rams loss

 
^ - Playoff Berth

* - Division Champion

** - 1st Round Bye

*** - Home field throughout