Looking Ahead: Week Twelve

With two games already gone this week, we focus on the rest of this star-studded cast of characters as we head into Week 12. There's not much to prepare for in this week, as many of the races are still too close to call; however with the 'anything goes' attitude this season's had so far a lot could happen. I could continue to opine about my personal feelings about a near-meaningless mid-season week in the NFL, but that would just delay the inevitable. On to my unnecessary analysis!

Houston gets Cleveland in a game that could bust down the glass wall to another division championship. However, with not much left to play for, the Browns could put out a foot and trip the Oilers on their way through. In the NFC version of the Central division, Tampa Bay heads to Atlanta with a chance to continue sneaking under the radar, while Chicago's at home in a must-win game against the Colts to stay alive. The Bears hope that everyone else stays quiet, as the Colts are on the verge of their first 4-win Tecmo season in about 17 years.

Looks like he just chugged a "Voltage"

Washington has a chance to put some pressure on the Giants, who already won this week, by taking out the Steelers at home. In San Francisco, the 49ers welcome the 1-win Cardinals with a chance to continue eluding the chasing Rams, who finally won their first game since Week 9 last night. We here at TTB like their chances, although Timm Rosenbach was seen this past week slamming Snapples at the local juice bar.

The early games end with two very important divisional clashes. First, Miami heads to Buffalo. The Bills won their first game, however the Dolphins haven't lost since Week 4 and now stand a half game up. Although they'll be in Buffalo where the Marv Lewis sweater effect reigns supreme, Miami could secure an inside track to a division title with a win. Perhaps the only thing more impressive than Miami's 6-game win streak, however, is Minnesota's 10-game streak, one that puts them in a chance to have control of their own destiny. And if there's anyone who needs some destiny control, it's Rick Fenney, who is one Herschel Walker touchdown away from becoming obsolete.

Seattle stumbled last week when they left what they had of some talent behind in their plane. They'll get a chance at some redemption as they pick on the Raiders, who've hit that point in the season where the Bo Jackson/Marcus Allen romance has turned into a stagnant plateau of arguments and deceit. Meanwhile, in a game that carries more weight that what appears on paper, Cincinnati travels to Philadelphia with a chance to stay in the hunt. The Eagles won their first game in a few tries last week, and need to keep that momentum if they want to keep nipping at Phil Simms' perfectly sculpted heels.

Sunday's games conclude with San Diego heading to New Orleans to face a Saints team that was looking into the playoff field window before the 49ers shut the blinds on them. They can stay on the bubble with a win, but it'll have to be against a focused Chargers team that doesn't want to see their division slip away quite yet, not while B.J. Tolliver is still chlamydia-free. Meanwhile, we will have our least favorite reporter at the scene of the Patriots/Jets game, only to see if New England will actually win another game this season.

Attn: Seattle - The future is here

With all of our teams being featured as of last week, we now focus our attention on some pivotal games down the stretch. We begin Monday Night with an AFC West rematch, with the Chiefs looking to continue pulling themselves out of a large hole of Barry Word's head proportions. They're on a 3-game win streak, and now two games behind Denver in first place. The Broncos, led by John Elway's bionic arm, will see what San Diego and Seattle do earlier and try to keep the divisional race a two-team contest. Should they fail, we may be at risk of having Kelly Stouffer compromise the playoff field.


***************************************************************************************

AFC

NFC

Friday Night Football: Thanksgiving Hangover

Between feasting on tryptophan-laced fowl and watching helium-powered monsters take over New York City, you may have noticed some football games on television. And just like most of America, you may have been too overcome by the flooding of alcoholic beverages to really pay attention. Therefore, we at The Tecmo Bowl have decided to give thanks to your dedication to following our little corner of the blogosphere, and are offering an encore presentation to satiate any leftover feelings of guilt that you're trying to hide behind turkey sandwiches today.


Game One
Los Angeles Rams (5-5) at Detroit (2-8)

The Rams stumble into the Motor City on gimpy legs, losing four of their last five and falling a game behind the 49ers in the NFC West. They'll be welcomed by their hosts in the Lions, a team that hasn't taken a Thanksgiving Day game seriously since George Plimpton was nearly called upon to try and lose a tied game with the Green Bay Packers. The Lions don't have much to play for this season besides trying to keep Barry Sanders out of early retirement for another year, but they could seriously play spoilers to the Rams' once-promising season.

Quarter One

Recover: As in, "How will the Rams recover having an
offensive lineman run back a fumble against them?"

Rodney Peete does turkeys everywhere proud when he leads the Lions out to the field and then immediately leads them back out after three failed plays in a row. Jim Everett has a relatively more successful start, but a squash by Dennis Gibson on third down keeps the Rams out of field goal range. After the Rams' punt, the Lions go with a Barry-heavy offense, but apparently No.20 ate his Thanksgiving feast before the game and his plodding is punished with three straight stuffings to force another Detroit punt. Utility man Gaston Green fumbles the kick, however, and Eric Andolsek is forever linked to Detroit Thanksgiving lore when he scoops up the ball and runs it in for a score.

Detroit leads 7-0

Quarter Two
Playing from behind, Jim Everett starts throwing balls into the open air like cans of corn, and it's only a matter of time before Ray Crockett gobbles it up to give the ball back to Detroit. Sanders is the man again, using his legs to get all the way to the Detroit 9-yard line, but the Los Angeles defense holds up this time, absorbing Sanders' runs like pads of butter in mashed potatoes, and Eddie Murray is on for the short kick from 26.

Detroit leads 10-0

Gary must feel like the plate of olives at his team's
dinner table after this blunder

The Rams start from their own 6-yard line with just 1:14 left, but that doesn't stop Jim Everett from driving his team down the field. A pass to Cleveland Gary gets the Rams into field goal range with enough time left, but Gary's hands must have been covered in cranberry sauce, as he fumbles the ball over to Detroit who wind out the clock and go into halftime with the lead.

Halftime - Lions 10, Rams 0

Quarter Three
Los Angeles comes out of halftime inspired, with Everett completing 100% of his passes, including a 38-yard connection to Henry Ellard for the Rams' first score. One more drive like that, and the Lions may be cooked.

Detroit leads 10-7

After a positive Rams' drive, a poor Mike Lansford kick combined with a huge Mel Gray return gives the momentum back to Detroit. The Rams defense holds strong, however, and Eddie Murray is out for his second try of the game. However, his kick is from nearly twice as long as his first, and his wide right miss means there's a cream pie waiting to be introduced to his face on the sidelines.

This one had about as much of a chance as Murray not falling
on his ass after the kick

The Rams get their next drive going with the same pace as their last one, starting with a huge leaping grab by Curt Warner. However, facing 3rd and 19, it's the University of Georgia Bulldog, Cleveland Gary, that runs the ball 41 yards to paydirt and the Rams' first lead of the game.

Los Angeles leads 14-10

The third quarter draws to a close with the Rams defense swallowing up Detroit for another 3-and-out. The Lions may be needing someone to perform the Heimlich on them, as they're choking away this game like it's the turkey bone stuck in Grandpa's throat.

Quarter Four

He'd clutch the Turkey Leg Trophy just as hard that night

Cleveland's looking for his first Turkey Leg Award as his first play from scrimmage is a 28-yard run. The drive is capped with a huge Willie Anderson catch for the Rams' third consecutive touchdown, however, putting Gary's campaign on hold.

Los Angeles leads 21-10

The Lions needs to score on this drive to keep it a game, but they nearly give Los Angeles more points when Peete is sacked near the end zone. He responds brilliantly on the next play, however, with his first completion since the first quarter that gets Detroit to the 42-yard line. It's deja vu all over again from there, however, when the drive stalls. On 4th and 10, Peete overthrows the other wide receiver named Willie, Willie Green, and the Rams get the ball with enough time to either run out the clock or throw another touchdown pass to a wide open Willie Anderson in the end zone. They opt for the latter, sealing Anderson's Turkey Leg Award and another year of getting snubbed for Mr. Gary.

Final Score: Rams 28, Lions 10

The Rams strung Detroit along through the first half with their three turnovers, before unleashing the hounds of hell, aka Los Angeles, on them. It was another Thanksgiving thrashing of the Lions in their hometown, sealing yet another losing season for the Lions and for any of their fans trying to hold in that extra helping of candied yams. The Rams go back to L.A. still holding on to a sliver of hope in a division title chase with San Francisco and getting out of the doghouse temporarily with the win.

***************************************************************************************

Game Two

New York Giants (6-4) at Dallas (5-5)

It's an NFC East showdown that carries the pomp and circumstance of a Dallas Thanksgiving Day game mixed with the drama of a divisional rivalry. The Giants can take a huge edge over Dallas in their quest for the division crown, and get a leg up on Washington before the weekend. But you can bet that the Cowboys go down without a fight deep in the heart of Texas, at least not until after the New Kids on the Block get caught lip-syncing or the fireworks start Michael Jackson's hair on fire during the halftime show.

What can it be that makes Irvin jump that high?

Quarter One

The Giants are rewarded for their correct coin flip call with the ball to start the game. The Dallas defense shows up in a big way against New York, however, forcing them into a 3rd-and-24 situation. One play later, and Phil Simms has to call an early time out to figure out what the refs mean by 'fourth down'. He is told the wisely by his coaches that the Giants need to punt, which they do.

The Cowboys' drive is one filled with sacks of Troy Aikman and little-to-no gain runs by Emmitt Smith. So when Aikman finds Michael Irvin in the end zone for the first score of this contest, the Giants' 'D' can be forgiven for asking for a Presidential pardon.

Dallas leads 7-0

The quarter Meggetts to an end, as Dave drives the G-men down the field to answer the Dallas score.

Quarter Two

After Meggett carries the Giants on his back down the field, he is rewarded by getting to block for Stephen Baker who snags a Simms pass and runs down the field for a 25-yard score.

Score tied 7-7

Aikman can't luck his way past the Giants defense on his team's second drive, and the Cowboys are forced to punt. Unfortunately, Cowboys' punter Mike Saxon forgot to wear his throwback uniform, which karmically causes his punt to only travel for a net gain of about 14 yards.

One play after the punt, and Baker is walking in for his second touchdown after Simms tosses it over the yearning hands of Issiac Holt. It wouldn't be Tecmo at Thanksgiving if it didn't have Baker going the full 70 yards after Holt falls down, with no other defenders in sight.

Why players with amputated fingers shouldn't be on defense

New York leads 14-7

Dallas is stuffed near their own end zone after the kick, and with Aikman using up all three downs trying to avoid a safety, they don't get far and are forced to punt as the clock drains away to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-inspired Halftime Show.

Halftime - Giants 14, Cowboys 7

Quarter Three 

The Cowboys start off in a much more favorable spot, as James Dixon gets them into New York territory. The vaunted Giants 'D' comes up big once again, however, giving Smith no room to run or Aikman no room to flail his arms and scream. Needing a momentum shift, coach Jimmy sends Ken Willis out for the fifty-two yarder. He's wide right, the same direction Dallas fans are leaning as they break into their third box of Franzia.

Why you shouldn't eat dessert first

Simms answers to the Cowboys' broken drive with three straight flea-flickers, breaking the Thanksgiving flea-flicker record by three. When Mark Ingram is carted off the field after the third one, however, the Giants go conservative and give it to Ottis Anderson for his first score of the game.

New York leads 21-7

Aikman and his Cowboys are down, but not out. They show signs of life as the quarter comes to an end, converting three third-downs in a row into New York territory.

Quarter Four

As the quarters change over, so does Dallas' fortunes, as they can't convert their next set of downs. Willis is back out near the spot of his first indiscretion, and his haunted soul misses again, this time from fifty-three and wide left. 72-inch televisions all across Dallas are getting covered in Skoal as we write this.

Seen during this miss: Cowboys throw back to 1965,
during their 'purple and orange' phase

New York survives an Ottis Anderson fumble at the beginning of their next drive as they march down the field, but they can't score on their fourth consecutive possession and punt it away to Kelvin Martin, who gets stuffed at his own 9-yard line.

Aikman goes to the air, needing to score, but his desperation pass is somehow intercepted even though all eleven of the Giants are currently dogpiled on top of him.

Crude humor of the day: That's not a football, that's
Anderson making room for seconds! *rimshot*

From the 15-yard line, Anderson trots in untouched for his second touchdown of the game, putting this one to a humbling end for the Cowboys.

New York leads 28-7

Dallas gets the ball back and brings it to midfield with about 50 seconds left, but Lawrence Taylor hasn't had his dinner yet. Four straight Giants' blitzes are what close out this game, leaving behind a pretty tender Dallas O-line. Keep the turkey baster away from L.T., it looks like there's drool dripping off his facemask!

Final Score: Giants 28, Cowboys 7

There's not much to be thankful for in Dallas right now. The Cowboys fall to 5-6, which may be the death knell in this division, and their offense looked hapless despite a promising start to the game. The Giants are playing like Mr. Hyde to the Dr. Jekyll of earlier this season, rebounding nicely from their first loss in seven games to take over the division for a few days. It was a dominant game for New York, and if I don't see Phil Simms' boyish grin in the next few weeks, you can Color Me Badd (aka the halftime entertainment for next year).

***************************************************************************************

Looking for Looking Ahead? Don't worry, there'll be a special Saturday Edition out tomorrow. Now go take a shower, you're still sweating!

Monday Night Football: Cincinnati vs. Pittsburgh

It's an old AFC rivalry that dates back to the glory days of the NFL, when men weren't afraid to spit out a few teeth between tackles or cheat on their wives with prostitutes in seedy hotel rooms. Now players are putting extra teeth in their mouths while cheating on their wives with expensive escorts on luxury boat cruises. There was a time, however, between these two eras, where the AFC wasn't so proud and the men weren't so daring. A time when quarterbacks were taken seriously with names like Boomer and Bubby. A time when an offensive lineman named Bruce Kozerski posed for Fleer cards taking on two men, because photographers couldn't get a game-time shot of him ever getting up off his knees. The Bengals visit Pittsburgh, each team looking to break even at .500 and keep pace with the Oilers. Only one team can emerge victorious and attain that elusive goal, and it will be the team with the most drive, the most heart, and the most offensive linemen named Bruce.

It's dusk in Pittsburgh; either that, or the
radon's acting up again

Quarter One
This contest officially begins with the mysteriously named "S" Jennings returns a Gary Anderson kick to the Cincinnati 37-yard line. Mister Boomer Esiason quickly gets the Bengals into Pittsburgh territory with a play-action pass to Eddie Brown. Ickey Woods gains 10 yards on the next play, while James Brooks adds another 10 with a pitch and suddenly the Bengals are frothing from their Zubaz-designed helmets. Esiason gets in on the party with a 10-yard scramble of his own, while Brooks nears the Pittsburgh 7-yard line with a consecutive first down and game officials are letting Cincinnati in on the secret that they actually have four tries to get 10 yards. The Bengals take heed, with two consecutive pitches to Woods getting stuffed. Facing 3rd and 7, however, Woods is entrusted with the ball and less than five seconds later, fans of the Steel City are witnessing the first Ickey Shuffle of the day.

Cincinnati leads 7-0

Pittsburgh gets its first chance, starting in Bengals' territory after a poor kick and nice return by Dwight Stone. With three men wide open, Brister opts for the covered Eric Green and his pass is mercifully booted away. The fates don't approve of his tempting on second down, however, as they allow Lewis Billups to step in front of the pass and takes it back to the Bengals' 30-yard line.

Brooks gets the carry on first down, taking it around the right side of the Steelers' defense for 14 yards. The radioactive D-Line from Three Rivers hulks up for the next play, however, stuffing Brooks on first down. Esiason goes to the air for the first time since the first play of the game, finding his favorite target in Brown for 30 yards to flip the field at the Pittsburgh 35. Boomer shakes off a Greg Lloyd sack on first down, and then finds Brown in coverage for 10 yards as the quarter ends.

Quarter Two

Nobody ever commends the graphic division in charge of
the stone-faced fans, so here it is: nice work, fellas.

On 3rd and 4, the team with the ugliest helmets this side of the XFL are threatening. Boomer decides to flaunt a bit with a flea flicker to Tim McGee, but his pass is laughably intercepted in the back of the end zone, putting an end to any desire that any team may ever have of running the flea flicker ever again.

Some may say I set that last sentence up so that I could comically call a Bubby Brister flea flicker, but he ruins the fun with a conventional pass to Derek Hill for 26 yards. Kevin Walker reintroduces Brister to his childhood on the next play with a 9-yard sack, but Merrill Hoge gains it all back with his first rush of the game. The remaining ten yards aren't converted, however, and Dan Stryzinski is on for his first punt tonight.

Brooks and Woods show off the scariest rushing tandem this side of Los Angeles with a combined 60 yards on the next three plays, capped off with a blitz-avoiding pass from Esiason to Brooks in the corner of the end zone for a touchdown. The Pittsburgh defense can only sit and watch, with their heads spinning in cartoonish fashion as Brooks and Esiason perform their ceremonial Tecmo Touchdown fellatio.

Cincinnati leads 14-0

With 1:34 remaining in the half, Pittsburgh starts out at their own 36. The Steelers start off conservative with a lateral pass to Hoge for 7 yards, but are punished when he is carried off the field, frantically asking "who's going to feed the cats?" and wiping tears, blood and uranium-tinged sweat from his chin. Honoring his fallen comrade, Brister cuts loose with a long bomb to Louis Lipps, who sucks in the 54-yard pass to the Cincinnati 3-yard line. With just 40 seconds left, fullback Warren Williams makes the Miami Hurricanes proud with a run up the gut for a very important Steelers' touchdown before halftime.

Cincinnati leads 14-7

The Bengals effectively take a Tecmo knee with two straight Brooks runs up the middle to draw out the rest of the time on the clock, and they go into halftime with the lead in this exciting, somewhat incestuous hook-up.

Halftime - Bengals 14, Steelers 7

Quarter Three
From their own 27-yard line, the Steelers begin their drive to tie the game the same way their last one ended, with a Williams run up the gut for 10 straight yards in a row to convert the first down. It's nearly all moot when Brister's pass bounces off Green and is nearly intercepted by Billups again. Luckily for Brister, the same AI that makes him terrible is what kept Billups from picking off the deflected pass, and so the drive continues with a 10-yard gain by Tim Worley, in for the gushing-blood Hoge. Williams takes the next two carries, chugging his way for 29 yards into Cincinnati territory. It's only three plays later, and the Bengals have gained 14 of those back with a blitz of Williams and sack of Brister, but Gary Anderson puts his South African leg to use and nails it from 49-yards up.

Cincinnati leads 14-10

The excitement, the drama, the monochromatic uniforms.
Must be Tecmo.

With half the quarter used up and the Bengals' lead cut to 4, Boomer knows he needs to bear down like all the other blue-collar men he's putting on a show for and get his hands dirty. In reality, however, he stands back like the white-collar men and puts Ickey Woods to work instead on the next three plays. After a hard-earned first down, Esiason goes back to the air for McGee, netting 30 yards to the Pittsburgh 45-yard line. After an unsuccessful shuffle by Woods and a batted away pass to Brown, Esiason faces 3rd down in no man's land. From the gun, he finds a diving McGee, who falls short of the end zone by inches as the quarter comes to an end.

Quarter Four
Only seconds into the final quarter, and Brooks walks in for a touchdown. It's raining daggers in Pittsburgh. Literally.

Cincinnati leads 21-10

Not pictured: Chuck Noll's Cantaloupes.

Pittsburgh starts their comeback with 4:31 remaining from their own 21-yard line. Brister quickly finds Green for 24 yards, but the bad news continues piling on when Green's valiant heroics come to a bone-crushing end as he's carried off the field. Brister drops back again, and is saved from a few mincemeat pies in the face when Hill steals a sure interception from the Bengals and carries it to the Cincinnati 38-yard line. Two meaningless plays later, and the Steelers are suddenly facing a must-convert 3rd and 7. James Francis mercilessly takes them out of field goal range, however--at least by conventional standards--but Coach Chuck Noll isn't conventional, and as an avid student of the football video game curriculum, shouts "Nobody PUNTS in Tecmo!" and shoves Gary Anderson out on to the field for a 61-yard field goal. The ball travels far enough to actually hit the upright and bounce back on to the field, however it's still only Anderson's third-most heartbreaking field goal miss in his career.

Boomer's first pass to Brown is nearly intercepted, eliciting cries and perhaps a few grown-man sobs, a sound heard quite often on the drive as the Bengals convert one first down after the other, finally hammering in the last nail of Pittsburgh's coffin with an exclamatory flea flicker to McGee for a 45-yard touchdown.

Cincinnati leads 28-10

Down by 18 with 1:23 left, Dwight Stone is able to find midfield on the return. Worley is given the ball on first down, which is questionable enough, but the Bengals' foreknowledge of the play call and its ensuing blitz causes me to wonder what kind of illegal deeds are being done in Cincinnati, outside of their receiving corps, of course. Worley gets in some more work with a gain of 6 yards, but apparently Coach Noll doesn't like what he sees and asks Brister to throw on 3rd and 9 with a minute remaining. His pass, intended for Hill, is completely read by Barney Bussey, who intercepts the ball and ices the game.

The Bengals comically lose 13 yards on the next two plays of their drive, showing that even in winning, sometimes there is no glory.

Final: Bengals 28, Steelers 10

Hand it to the Bengals: they went into hostile rival territory, and hardly bungled it at all. Boomer was flaming, more than usual, with his 254 passing yards more than doubling his counterpart and fellow nickname-starting-with-B quarterback. Tim McGee continued his hot streak, causing 'McGee' jerseys to become the most popular since the hundreds of rapscallions showing up at school with 'Lipps' written on their backs. The Bengals slide one more game up in the division, trying valiantly to keep in line with the Oilers, while Pittsburgh sees itself sliding off the bubble as the playoff party is started to get more crowded and stuffy. Cincinnati will continue to look toward making things interesting, and if I get to see Boomer and Ickey in a simulated Tecmo playoffs, I'll finally get to that last item on my bucket list.

Week Eleven: Full-On Frenzy

The byes are over and we've got a hefty schedule on hand this week. As seen in our Looking Ahead feature, it's a full deck filled with interesting storylines and playoff implications. Nobody's more excited to see this thing through than me, and now that we're getting closer to the last leg it's all finally being realized. Of course we'll miss the friends we've made and the new Tecmo memories that have been created, but I can only comment on the crummy play of Rodney Peete three or four more times before I start to question my own existence on this rock called Earth.

1:00 Games

Classic NFC West: Rivalries two time zones away

San Francisco (5-4) at New Orleans (4-5)

The Saints were passed over for dead just a few games into the season, but with a chance here to show up the 49ers and slip into a possible 1st place tie you'd have to believe Steve Walsh and Co. were ready to play to the best of their ability. And while the best of Walsh's ability wasn't too shabby with 87% completion and 1 pick to 3 touchdowns, and New Orleans owned the time of possession with 14 first downs, they unfortunately had to compete with the Holy Trinity, San Francisco chapter, in Joe Montana, Jerry Rice and Joe 'Holy Ghost' Rathman.

Final Score: 49ers 28, Saints 24

New York Giants (5-4) at Phoenix (1-9)

Timm Rosenbach had his foot on the Giants' throat with a lead in the fourth quarter, threatening a debilitating second loss in a row to the G-Men, but because Rosenbach's foot was mostly paper-mache and the Giants had Ottis Anderson rolling for 153 yards, they were able to somehow rebound with two unanswered touchdowns to get back on the winning track. Alternatively, the Cardinals have just one more win than you.

Final Score: Giants 24, Cardinals 14

The enigma of Eagles continues

Cleveland (4-5) at Philadelphia (5-4)

The Browns took the Eagles to overtime, and that was their second mistake. Their first was having their defense act as the red carpet for QB Eagles' comeback tour, who ran for 130 yards on just 8 carries. Cleveland led 27-13 in the fourth quarter, with a chance to throw a wrench into two divisional races, but decidedly fell apart faster than fellow Cleveland native Drew Carey's optimism at the beginning of each Price is Right episode.

Final Score: Eagles 33, Browns 27 (OT)

New England (1-8) at Miami (7-2)

The Phins trounced the Pats in their first match-up, and that was in New England. Therefore, we were understandably worried about the health and well-being of Foxboro's Finest when Dan Marino welcomed them to sunny Miami. The ruthless factor was toned down a bit, with Tony Paige taking over the offense with 55 yards rushing and 104 yards receiving, but I'm sure it was still quite difficult for Coach Shula to rein it in at thirty-five.

Final Score: Dolphins 35, Patriots 14

L.A. Raiders (4-5) at Denver (6-3)

What's more frustrating than a defensive coordinator having to plan against the two-headed she-witch of Marcus Allen and Bo Jackson? Offensive coordinators that don't utilize them. Allen led the Raiders in rushing with just 16 yards on 3 carries, while on the other side Bobby Humphrey ran over the L.A. 'D' for 111 yards. Denver gains yet another game over the Raiders, while Jay Schroeder gains a Careerbuilder profile.

Final Score: Broncos 34, Raiders 28 (OT)

New York Jets (3-6) at Indianapolis (2-7)

The Colts win their first game since Week 3, a win that, while coming much too late, reminds us of Indianapolis' glory days, with Jeff George tossing 205 yards and no picks and Albert Bentley rushing 88 yards and catching 3 balls for 75 yards. Call me strange, but I'm more excited to see who doesn't finish last in this division, rather than who finishes first.

Final Score: Colts 24, Jets 17

Kansas City (4-5) at L.A. Rams (5-4)

Somehow the Rams keep finding ways to crap on their amazing start, losing their fourth of the last five. Jim Everett lobbed up two picks and threw for an underwhelming 170 yards, while Steve DeBerg shocked the world with 175 yards and only 1 interception. Kansas City gets their much-needed win, while the Rams finally return the 'Divison Champions' banner to the 49ers that they stole at the beginning-of-the-season banquet.

Final Score: Chiefs 20, Rams 17

They had an extra uniform in the nurse's closet

Seattle (6-3) at San Diego (6-3)

Nate Lewis joins this rollicking affair, which came to an end with only 21 points scored and the Chargers taking revenge to kick Seattle out of the first-place club. While B.J. Tolliver was begging to lose with his 3 interceptions, Dave Krieg shattered his dreams with his decision to only connect on 25% of his passes and 84 yards. Once again, the AFC West reminds us why they're always the needy little brother at the playoffs party.

Final Score: Chargers 14, Seahawks 7

Tampa Bay (4-5) at Detroit (2-7)

The Buccaneers take advantage of their meeting in Detroit to get back to .500 after scoring in the fourth quarter to go ahead. Gary Anderson out-ran Barry Sanders by nearly 50 yards, while Vinny Testaverde slept through three quarters and then came out in his creamsicle sweatsuit and still out-passed Rodney Peete by 100 yards. Detroit hosts a Thanksgiving game next week, leading me to wonder why only a turkey gets lucky enough to be pardoned.

Final Score: Buccaneers 17, Lions 13

4:00 Games

Minnesota (9-1) at Chicago (4-5)

The Vikings travel to the Windy City to play the only team that's beaten them thus far. While Neal Anderson still made the Minnesota run defense look silly, the Vikings nab their tenth win in a row by silencing the mighty Jim Harbaugh with only 92 yards passing and taking over time of possession with 17 first downs. Minnesota is close to being the first to clinch their division, which may cause a Tecmo programming glitch.

Final Score: Vikings 21, Bears 16

We'll miss his happy smiles and season-crushing fumbles

Washington (5-4) at Atlanta (2-7)

Just when we thought there'd be some shuffling in the NFC East this week, Washington keeps its log in the jam with a predictable win against the hapless Falcons. Earnest Byner goes out in the first, throwing up question marks for what may remain of Washington's season, but Mark Rypien remains sharp with 244 yards and no picks. While his heroism is enough to keep the Redskins in the race, his finesse is what the ladies clamor for.

Final Score: Redskins 31, Falcons 21

Houston (7-2) at Dallas (5-4)

The 'Boys can't make it four in a row for their division, losing the Lone Star Battle to Houston. Dallas tried to rally from down 28-10, but Warren Moon fought them off by leading his team in passing, rushing, and would have led in receiving had his pass to himself not been overthrown by twenty yards. The Oilers will now be watching Monday's game with interest, but the kind of interest one gives to the wardrobe of a porno.

Final Score: Oilers 28, Cowboys 24

Eat your hearts out, soccer fans

Buffalo (7-2) at Green Bay (6-3)

I admit that, while the season is starting to round out into the conventional same-12 teams, we've had some fun surprises so far this year. Therefore, it couldn't have been complete without a five-quarter tie between two teams trying to keep pace with their red-hot division leaders. Majkowski and QB Bills combined for 507 yards passing, but neither could lob up the one pass needed to get in position for the win. Although it was a tough pill to swallow for Green Bay's division championship hopes, backup Packers' QB Anthony Dilweg had no problem kissing his sister on the lips.

Final Score: Bills 28, Packers 28

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We head into Monday night with the last two teams that have yet to be featured, the Cincinnati Bengals and Pittsburgh Steelers. It's an AFC Central showdown with a chance to stay in the hunt, and both teams are looking to their captains to continue leading them on the right path. Neither team has done much this season to stand out, perhaps the reason why they're the last to be featured, but they both are set to put on a great game with Pittsburgh's stout defense against Cincinnati's powerful offense. Look forward to a good mixture of Boomer passes and James Brooks prances, along with a dash of Bubby Brister trying to figure out if it's his socks or his shoes that go on first.

"Now listen Bubby, I know it's called a football, but you
have to stop kicking it to your receivers..."