Looking Ahead: Week Seven

It's week seven, and we're all high in Tecmo heaven by now. I'm not going to try and fool you all into thinking that there isn't a slight stale taste to this season at times, but we've already come so far. And if we're already this balls-deep in analyzing match-ups, possible playoff scenarios, and Burt Grossman sightings at the Brass Rail, we might as well finish this loaf before going on to the next, fresh, hot from the oven taste of the next Tecmo season. It's not strange to have these feelings in the midst of bye week hell, but put your trust in me, my fellow Tecmoers, for I will not lead you astray.

This Sunday will showcase games in which the Giants will look for their fourth consecutive win to go above .500 for the first time this year, while the 49ers chase their first win after four consecutive losses. One of the big early games, however, will be the L.A. Raiders heading up the coast to Seattle to play the current division leaders in the Seahawks. L.A. has silently been creeping up the standings, and with a win in Seattle they'll have gone from worst to potentially first in just four games. I'm not usually the superstitious type, but I would be remiss in not mentioning that the Raiders' win streak strangely coincided with the arrival of my 'Bo Knows Tecmo' shirt...just saying...

And my shameless plugging continues on...

Indianapolis has had a rough go of it since surprisingly winning their first two of three games this year and teetering in first place for an entire week. They've now lost three in a row and are in danger of a fourth when Buffalo rides into town. Although the season's been rife with some astounding upsets so far this year, we aren't so naive to think that the Colts stand an iota of a chance in a one-on-one match-up with QB Bills and Co. Therefore, if the Colts do somehow manage to pull this one out at home, we may have to give them a special trophy in exchange for their forfeiture of the rest of the season. Otherwise, they'll just have to go to Buffalo for the inevitable rematch only to get stomped on, killing the buzz worse than that time Mom forgot to knock.

212.7 is also his rating for 'girls picked up at the bar'

The Rams are back from a bye, up against another division leader in the Chargers. We're hoping L.A. hasn't lost their steam, as we're pretty sure Tom Rathman is beefing up for a big comeback, but the Chargers have been a tricky foe so far this year. With both starting RBs out for each team, it may end up being Jim Everett vs. B.J. Tolliver, in which there is really no contest. Everett's passer rating is good for first in the NFL at 212.7, whereas Tolliver barely registers in the top two quadrants.

The afternoon game schedule is a bit shortened with 6 teams on bye weeks, but there's no shortage of excitement! /hyperbole...Kansas City invites the Dolphins to town, needing to get back on the winning track. Miami, on the other hand, will see what happens in Indianapolis before taking the field, knowing that a win must be in the cards to keep pace. Meanwhile, Philadelphia will send a team out to the field that may or may not include someone with the last name 'Eagles' when they travel to N'awlins to take on the fading Saints. And finally, Phoenix hitches their apple wagon on to Johnny Johnson and rides north to Minnesota for the first of two games against the Vikings in three weeks. We're still unsure if it's due to some sort of scheduling SNAFU, or if the NFL was somewhat hoping they'd try to out-reverse each other enough times to reverse out of the league altogether.

Physical Condition: Usually between 'Bad' and 'Vegetative'

And then, all our rowdy friends get together in Houston to watch the Ken O.Brien show battle the Oilers, a team that lost their bid as the only undefeated team last week. Houston usually loses their flair after going 5-0 each year, but with a favorable match-up here they should hold off Bubby Brister's squared jaw while holding on to the Central crown for at least another week. The Jets have been just a shade above horrible so far this year, with few redeeming qualities. They're 28th in total defense, which means any combination of Lorenzo White/Warren Moon will lead to a quick funeral on the national stage for New York. If it's held before Al Toon's memorial, however, we admit we'd be a little surprised.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for....ASTERISKS!!!!****!*!*!*!!!!

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AFC

NFC

Byes: Denver Broncos, New England Patriots, Chicago Bears, Green Bay Packers, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Detroit Lions

Monday Night Football: Dallas at Green Bay

After this game, he's boxing for the Soviets

Dallas heads north to Green Bay amidst inner turmoil and external goings-on within their own division. While the NFC Central isn't a cake-walk for the Acme Packing Company's favorite team, Dallas faces at least three other teams that don't expect to go anywhere for a while, and another that plays happily amidst 115 degree heat. Dallas needs a win to stay ahead of the surging Giants, while the Packers need to dig deep into their own gouda-covered souls just to keep pace with the league-best Minnesota Vikings. The Cowboys and Packers have identical 3-2 records, and while their style of play is mostly different, with Emmitt Smith on the ground for Dallas and Ed West trying out his moon boots to pull in Don Majkowski bombs for Green Bay, their will to win is the same. After all, you don't have to scour the internet to find out how far Troy Aikman is willing to go for this win--in fact, you just need to look to your left, courtesy of Pro Line Portraits.




Quarter One

Aikman can only watch in pixellated horror

Dallas wins the toss and greedily decides to take the kick, going against all social customs and I believe a few of the Camp David Accords. James Dixon takes a poor Chris Jacke kick to the Dallas 41 for a prime starting spot. After an incomplete pass to Jay Novacek and a modest, yet unsuccessful, run by Tommy Agee for 7 yards, Dallas finds themselves with a third-and-three situation. Not wanting to relinquish their drive and waste good field position, they decide to try and convert the third-down with another Agee dash around the end for 4 yards and the first down. After this successful display of professional football play-calling and a gutsy effort by Agee, Aikman gives it up anyway with a pick to linebacker Scott Stephen.

Starting from his own 40-yard line, Don Majkowski takes the field, and his mullet appears a bit perturbed that he's missing the hockey game. His first pass is a perfect strike to Perry Kemp, who carries it into Dallas territory with a 29-yard gain. This play inevitably sets up the Michael Haddix draw, which is usually almost always doomed from its inception. When his next pass to Kemp is blocked, Majkowski now faces an improbable 3rd-and-10 situation, and so he goes to the sure-handed Kemp again for a possible conversion. Unbeknownst to him, Kemp is now drawing about three defenders a play, and his pass is batted harmlessly away. Chris Jacke is on, and not even the cold October chill of eastern Wisconsin can stop his 50-yarder from splitting the uprights.

Nintendo goal post, or M.C. Escher drawing?

Green Bay leads 3-0

Dixon takes another nice return out to the Dallas 43-yard line. And what starts as a promising drive turns into a broken promise for Cowboys' fans when Aikman is picked off again, this time by another member of Green Bay's alliterative secondary, Chuck Cecil.

Majkowski keeps the momentum going with an overthrow of wide open Sterling Sharpe on first down. He makes up for this indiscretion with a 12-yard connection to Haddix. And if the conventional thinking here is to keep moving quickly to keep Dallas reeling, Lindy Infante does the opposite with a Sharpe reverse play, perhaps to go along with the fact that his clothes and hat are all on backwards and that he keeps telling the other coaches that "It's NOT OPPOSITE day".

All that paid-for weight training, yet Aikman
just can't buy this kind of talent

Quarter Two
The next quarter begins with a football bouncing off Michael Haddix's face mask, and it's 3rd-and-11. Out of the shotgun, Majkowski launches a beauty to Kemp that spends about 30 seconds in the air and goes 12 yards. The next two plays involve Keith Woodside and Sterling Sharpe, but because they're not Sharpe reverses, Green Bay scores a touchdown.

Green Bay leads 10-0

Like the middle brother, James Dixon takes another great return unnoticed to the Dallas 47-yard line. The first Aikman pass is blocked at the line of scrimmage, considered a great success by his coaches, so when his next pass is completed to Michael Irvin for a gain of 23 yards they're pretty much ready to dust off Roger Staubach's crown and scepter. Knowing when to cash in their chips, however, the Cowboys entrust the next play to Emmitt Smith, who sheds a defender or two for a 28-yard touchdown run and gets Dallas back in this one.

Green Bay leads 10-7

If that is your real name...

From their own 26-yard line, Green Bay starts with about two and a half minutes remaining to build on their lead before the half. Kemp pulls in a pass in double coverage for 13 yards, but the Packers' scoring campaign comes to a halt there after three straight sacks, two by Jimmie Jones. One of the NFC's best punters named Don comes out, and boots one 60 yards to pin Dallas at their own 26-yard line.

With 1:12 left in the half, it's Dallas' turn to take control of their destiny, and their scoring drive begins with a Smith burst up the middle for 11 yards. With 50 seconds left, Aikman drops back to pass and finds Smith again, this time hoofing it down the field. He characteristically breaks a tackle, and it's not until he crosses in for a touchdown when the next Packer defender finally breaks the 50-yard line.

Dallas leads 14-10

Charles Wilson doesn't fool anyone into thinking he's scoring on his 15-yard kickoff return, as the time runs out on the half and Green Bay's early dominance.

Halftime - Cowboys 14, Packers 10

Lake Michigan is closer than any Dallas defender on this play

Quarter Three
It's Green Bay's turn at the start of the second half due to NFL rules regarding ball control, and out from their own 38 Woodside takes a handoff to midfield for a first down. The Magic Man can't find his rabbit with an overthrow of Kemp, but he successfully saws the Cowboys defense in half on the next play with a lob to Kemp for a 51-yard touchdown connection.

Green Bay leads 17-14

Inspired by his team's last drive, Chris Jacke finally gets his kick past the Dallas 30-yard line, where Dixon is eventually stopped anyway. Aikman goes to the air on the first play from scrimmage, hitting Michael Irvin between the middle hashmarks for 13 yards. Jerry Holmes sacks Aikman on the next play, making Agee's ensuing bootleg run a bit questionable until he gets the ball to within inches of another Dallas first down. They go with the Agee run around the left again, and just when the Cowboys looked to be choking away their lead on Colby cheddar, Agee breaks a tackle behind the line and tacks on 13 more yards. Smith steals his thunder and perhaps his father's love on the next play, however, with a 30-yard burst up the middle to the Green Bay 4-yard line. In spite of this success, Dallas goes to the air on the next two plays, and although they try to involve Smith both times, he can't haul in the Aikman lobs and it's 3rd-and-goal from the 5-yard line. Smith goes around the right end, but the human wood-chipper named Bob Nelson is there to swallow him up, leaving nothing but a cloud of navy and gray molecules. Ken Willis is on for the chip shot and Dallas ties it up.

Score tied 17-17

After a considerably poor return by Wilson, Green Bay starts at their own 16-yard line. Majkowski scrambles into the fourth quarter with a 12-yard run.

Ed West, followed by Majkowski's magical floating football

Quarter Four
The Haddix draw play somehow nets the Packers 21 total yards into Dallas territory, wiping away nearly a minute, along with the smiles of any connoisseurs of defensive prowess. Majkowski hits Kemp for a 35-yard gain, and then Ed West in double-coverage for a touchdown, using up less than half the time it took Haddix to get back to the sideline.

Green Bay leads 24-17

Knowing that his team needs a touchdown just to tie with only 3:24 remaining, Dixon helps his team out with a return to the Dallas 46-yard line. Jimmy Johnson breaks out the cerebral coaching tactics he's so well-known for by using Smith to run down the clock, and then is taken over by his inner flashy offense demons when he calls for a deep pass to Kelvin Martin for a 48-yard catch-and-run touchdown to tie it up with two and a half minutes remaining.

Score tied 24-24

Misplacing a page from the James Dixon book of kick returning, Wilson only gets the ball to the Green Bay 18-yard line with 2:11 remaining for a final win-sealing score. After Woodside takes the ball for a short gain, Majkowski almost tosses the game away when his pass to West is nearly intercepted. With 3rd-and-5 staring at him in the face, Don goes to his favorite Sharpe, who pulls in a nearly impossible reception and streaks down to the Dallas 23-yard line. Needing just to run down the clock and put Jacke out on the field, Green Bay opts for a Sharpe reverse. Coach Johnson's got his Brainiac cap on, however, and decides to let Sharpe score on the reverse to put the ball back in his team's hands. Unfortunately for Dallas, the Sharpe play is designed to take off at least 45 seconds, and when Dallas gets the ball back they only have 30 seconds left and lots of Monterey Jack-covered egg to wipe off their faces.

Green Bay leads 31-24

Purely for football card stats only

Jacke puts everything into his next kick, apparently saving it all for this one, but Dixon carries it out of the back of the end zone anyway. Needing one of his patented exciting returns, Dixon can only get to the 7-yard line. With 14 seconds left, Dallas goes to the popular Last Play in Tecmo playbook and hands the ball and hopes for a win to Agee. And in true Tecmo fashion, he takes it for a 9-yard gain that still falls 55 yards short of spur-kicking, pistol-shooting glory.

Final: Packers 31, Cowboys 24

Fans of the Packers have to be happy with what they saw out of their quarterback and his favorite target, as they connected 5 times, twice for a touchdown. Majkowski leads the league with 18 touchdowns, 3 more than Jim Everett, and the Packers are hot on the heels of Minnesota and Chicago in the NFC Central leading into Week Seven. The NFC East gets a little messier here with Dallas' loss, and despite the Cowboys' efficient run game there is much to be desired by their offense. They fall into a tie with New York, looking up at Philadelphia, Washington and perhaps the roofs of their own coffins. Troy Aikman threw two early picks, but Dallas stayed close with Green Bay, even leading at the half. It sort of makes you wonder where they may have finished had the picks been touchdowns, but then again that sort of wondering might get you thinking about how much longer you have until you see your wife in bed with Babe Laufenberg.

Week Six: Hunker Down

It seems that much has changed since we started this thing, but there's a long road still ahead. Some teams have come to find this out already, while others are using it to their advantage and building up some steady comebacks to get back into the thick of the hunt. It's usually at this point of the season where the favorites start sticking their necks out, but up until now only a few of those teams are still in that same position and even those teams don't exude confidence. There's no point in being flashy any longer, as the only goal should be to hunker down and win. And while that plan isn't always so easy, it remains good news for the 49ers, whose bye week assures them that they'll stay out of the loss column for the first time in four weeks.

1:00 Games

Buffalo (3-2) at Kansas City (2-3)

The Chiefs returned to an Okoye-heavy offense, as he took 9 rushes for 80 yards and a score. Buffalo answered with a Thurman-heavy offense, however, as he took the ball for 106 yards and scored a touchdown in the 4th quarter to go ahead for good. Buffalo may have won, but their stats didn't tell the story of a dominant team. Fortunately for them, dominance won't be a requirement to beat the Colts next week; keeping Jeff George in the game, however, will be.

Final Score: Bills 17, Chiefs 13

Indianapolis (2-3) at Pittsburgh (1-3)

For those of you who enjoy segues, Indianapolis and Jeff George played down to their abilities here, with only 76 passing yards and 4 interceptions. Bubby Brister didn't have to be spectacular, but his 250 yards and no picks did give Steelers fans hopes that their season may not be a bust quite yet. On that same token, the Colts did win two games to start the season, but you'd have to be a fool or Clarence Verdin to think they'd continue that streak.

Final Score: Steelers 27, Colts 14

Miami (3-2) at New England (1-4)

The Dolphins needed a win here to pull in line with Buffalo, but apparently they thought they needed two as they drubbed the hapless Patriots with 52 points. Perhaps inspired by the return of Mark Clayton, Miami and Dan Marino put up 337 passing yards and 19 first downs. Steve Grogan, on the other hand, put his resume up on Monster.com after throwing 3 picks and barely cracking 100 yards passing. The Dolphins are showing the confidence and poise that the Bills are lacking now, which is saying a lot for a bunch of pixelated computer icons.

Final Score: Dolphins 52, Patriots 7

Detroit (1-4) at Minnesota (4-1)

In this highly touted NFC Central showdown, the Lions took Minnesota to the wire looking for their second win. Rodney Peete passed for a modest 184 yards but tossed up two touchdowns to one interception, while Barry Sanders ran around the field for 95 yards. Unfortunately for them, they're the Lions, and even more unfortunate is the fact that the Vikings have been on the lucky end of some questionable scores. They take the NFC Central lead for the time being here, and nobody is more surprised than coach Jerry Burns and Herschel Walker's agent.

Final Score: Vikings 17, Lions 14

Cincinnati (2-2) at Seattle (4-1)

Boomer Esiason weaved together a tale filled with such precise detail and inveterate quality that even the most critical of literary scholars had to take a step back and acknowledge his ability to tell a story with the sort of grace and stylistic perfection that only he is capable of, with his 90% completion rate and 265 yards to no interceptions. Unfortunately for those who follow him on Twitter, this type of lyrical accomplishment is nowhere to be found in his actual writing abilities.

Final Score: Bengals 30, Seahawks 10

Houston (4-0) at Denver (3-2)

The Oilers came off their bye with their undefeated streak in tow, but immediately ran into a white-hot Denver team that pulled within a half-game of first place in a tight win at home. As predicted, Warren Moon and John Elway played very similar games, but it was the defense of Denver that made the difference in this game, only allowing Lorenzo White to rush for 20 yds. David Treadwell also made a difference with his three field goals (including the game-winner), but we've been told by his mother that she's the only one allowed to heap praise upon her baby boy.

Final Score: Broncos 16, Oilers 14

New York Giants (2-3) at Phoenix (1-4)

The Giants marched into the desert of Phoenix with a shot at getting back to .500 after an 0-3 start, and just barely clutched the win from the jaws of defeat with a blocked Al Del Greco extra point. Johnny Johnson ran wild again for around 100 yards while Timm Rosenbach outplayed Phil Simms with 190 yards passing and a few scores. Needless to say, Del Greco was in need of a new wardrobe after discovering a few presents in his locker after the game.

Final Score: Giants 28, Cardinals 27

4:00 Games

L.A. Raiders (2-3) at San Diego (4-1)

It may be said that San Diego's cause never had a chance, when Marion Butts went out in the first quarter and still finished with the team lead in rushing yards. L.A. somehow finds themselves back in the race after a big day from Jay Schroeder, who tossed an unfathomable 83% completion rate. The Raiders showed their power on the ground as well with a combined 122 yards rushing from their two-headed demon, and suddenly the 'Black Hole' is no longer being used as a reference to the Raiders' postseason chances at this time each year.

Final Score: Raiders 31, Chargers 13

New York Jets (1-4) at Cleveland (2-2)

The Jets are quietly having a horrible season, and the Browns smartly took advantage of that here with a convincing win at home. QB Browns kept Mike Pagel's pager quiet with 264 passing yards and no picks, while Webster Slaughter's 122 receiving yards killed the Jets' chances at making any headway in their incredibly difficult division. Ken O.Brien has to be hoping that their futility remains to go unnoticed, but his 69 yards passing to 3 interceptions speaks about as loudly as the Jets' namesake over old Shea stadium.

Final Score: Browns 34, Jets 14

Philadelphia (4-1) at Tampa Bay (2-3)

The Eagles had a chance to stay tied with Minnesota among the league's best records with what seemed like a walk-through here, but Tampa Bay put up 14 points in the fourth quarter to pull it out and continue to be the league's nagging pests. Nobody is more upset than Keith Byars, who could have walked away a winner despite his team-leading 39 rushing yards. With the loss, however, the disappearance of QB Eagles in the rushing game once again becomes a factor to be discussed ad nauseum on Sportscenter.

Final Score: Buccaneers 21, Eagles 17

Washington (3-2) at Chicago (4-1)

Despite being up against a Redskins' defense that was ranked 26th against the run, Chicago couldn't score a touchdown. Neal Anderson was either abducted by aliens or missed his cab, as Jim Harbaugh led the team in rushing with just one 23-yard sprint. Mark Rypien kept his non-interception-less streak going with another pick here, and while this saddens us to no end, it appears the rest of Washington is content with his otherwise effective play as he led his team to victory and a share in the NFC East lead.

Final Score: Redskins 20, Bears 6

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Tomorrow night we return to Green Bay for their second featured game of the season. Before you accuse us of small-town midwestern bias, please be assured that this was the only scenario that would allow us to feature a new team while also not subjecting you to a coma-inducing meaningless mid-season contest (not to point any fingers, Freeman McNiel). Dallas watched both Philadelphia lose and Washington win, and with the Giants hot on their tails need a win here to pull into a three-way tie. While we don't think that Troy Aikman is necessarily scared of Don Majkowski and his hair-preference, we do think that Bob Nelson provides him with enough nightmares that not only must he sleep with a nightlight, but also with a den of trained Dobermans circling his bed.