Thursday, December 1, 2011

Looking Ahead: Week Thirteen


We are thrust into Week 13 with some enticing scenarios and a few shots at playoff berths. For the first time in our Looking Ahead feature, we'll post the current playoff seeds and let you know who's in, who's still got a chance, and who's getting their punch cards ready for the golf course. We'll also let you know of any clinching scenarios, however to do that I might have to break out my TI-83. I'll have to ask that you please wait while I finish this game of Drugwars first, however.

Score: What I said when I traded for this
Tampa Bay, one of the teams still clinging on to the bubble, welcomes the Giants to town. New York got back on track with a win over Dallas on Thanksgiving, and are now tied with Washington in first place. It's a game the Bucs obviously need more, but it ultimately comes down to whether or not Vinny Testaverde drinks his pickle juice. Dallas, another team sliding off the bubble pretty quickly, needs to turn it around on the road against first-place Washington, while the Rams look hungry to snag at least a share of the division lead with San Francisco after eleven weeks of being on top. The Rams have one win over the 49ers this season, and another one here could be what they need to break a tie at the end of the season. It could also prove that Willie Anderson is more than just a pretty Score card model.

Minnesota takes their 11-1 record into Detroit very much in charge of their destiny. A loss here doesn't really do much to the Vikings' playoff chances, but it certainly says a lot about their ability to hide Rodney Peete's money well. The Raiders seem content to let the rest of the AFC pass them by, but could still prove to be a black and silver thorn in Cincinatti's side as the Bengals try to hold on to a very shaky wild card spot in the AFC. Meanwhile, Cleveland and Kansas City play a pretty meaningless game in Week 13, which is a phrase I could have predicted saying about 13 weeks ago.

NOM NOM NOM
The Oilers have a possible clinching scenario depending on what happens in Los Angeles with the Bengals, and considering they're playing the bumbling Bristers we're pretty sure of covering the spread when it comes to seeing some sky blue jerseys and happy 8-bit music very soon. In what is usually a basement battle between the Saints and Falcons, New Orleans hopes to keep their magical season afloat by evening up at .500 against the very dangerous dirty birds of the ATL. And in the final game of the afternoon, Seattle travels to Denver with a chance for some serious shake-ups in the AFC West. Dave Krieg looks to redeem himself from a shoddy performance in Week 3, while also pulling his Seahawks within one game of a division lead tie. Look for the vaunted Denver 'D' to put the brakes on Seattle's playoff drive, however, when Warren Powers is caught gnawing on Derrick Fenner's leg in the back of the end zone.

The late games get going with San Diego taking a day off against the Jets and Philadelphia needing to hold off the Cardinals' inevitable second win to possibly jump into the playoff party. Green Bay can keep the champagne corked in Minnesota with an important win against the Colts, while Buffalo gets dealt a straight flush with New England coming to town in the midst of a divisional race with Miami. Speaking of flushes, it appears the Patriots may go the distance with a 1-15 turd of a season -- perhaps the only exciting race in the AFC East this year.

The Monday Night game brings the Dolphins and Bears into our living room. While Miami continues streaking with 7 games in a row and counting, the Bears are in desperate need of another big win here. They trounced the Colts last week, showing signs of the formidable team they were earlier in the season, and will need another one of those big performances from Neal Anderson if they want to sneak by the Dolphins and put some heat on Green Bay and the other wild card contenders. Unfortunately, they'll have to take on the number one ranked overall offense, led by the immortal Dan Marino, invincible Tony Paige, and impenetrable Harry Galbreath.

Just don't tell him about the Snickers bar in Reggie Roby's shoe




***************************************************************************************

AFC
1. Miami (9-2)
2. Houston (9-2)
3. Denver (8-3)

Wild Card
4. Bills (7-3-1)
5. Chargers (7-4)
6. Bengals (6-5)

On the Bubble
Seattle (6-5)
L.A. Raiders (5-6)
Kansas City (5-6)
Pittsburgh (4-7)
N.Y. Jets (4-7)
Cleveland (4-7)

Playoff Scenarios:

AFC East
None

AFC Central
Oilers clinch division with win AND Cincinnati loss

AFC West
None
***************************************************************************************
NFC
1. Minnesota (11-1)
2. Washington (7-4)
3. San Francisco (7-4)

Wild Card
4. N.Y. Giants (7-4)
5. Green Bay (6-4-1)
6. L.A. Rams (6-5)  

On the Bubble
Philadelphia (6-5)
Dallas (5-6)
Chicago (5-6)
Tampa Bay (5-6)
New Orleans (5-6)

Playoff Scenarios:

NFC East
None

NFC Central
Vikings clinch playoff spot with win
Vikings clinch division with win OR Green Bay loss

NFC West
None

Monday, November 28, 2011

Monday Night Football: Kansas City vs. Denver

Second Mecklenburg pic in two days = internet may explode
We turn the page on yet another chapter of The Tecmo Bowl season, and find ourselves staring face to face with a pivotal battle in the AFC West between the Chiefs and the Broncos. Kansas City stands two games behind Denver in first, and are battling their way back from the basement of the AFC with hefty helpings of Christian Okoye bone-crushing runs and Barry Word consuming defenses for fuel. The only problem is they now face the No.2-ranked defense in Denver, led by the fetal-position-inducing hits by Karl Mecklenburg. With San Diego's loss yesterday, the Broncos can take control of the division and put Kansas City's playoff hopes on ice all in the same game by claiming victory. Let's head to Mile High for some football and a little bit of oxygen deprivation!

Quarter One
Kansas City nearly paves the way to an early Denver score when Todd McNair fumbles the opening kickoff, but Alfredo Roberts scoops it up and gets the ball to the Kansas City 23-yard line. Steve DeBerg goes to the air on the first play from scrimmage, threading it in coverage to Stephone Paige in Denver's side of the field. Barry Word and Christian Okoye get it on back to back runs for a huge total of 7 yards, as only a COM-controlled attack by both backs could do, and facing 3rd and 3 the Chiefs go back to Word. He gets the first down with an additional 10 yards tacked on, but is stuffed three plays later on another 3rd and 3 situation, prompting Nick Lowery to grace the field with his future Hall-of-Fame leg. He mistakenly bounces it off the right upright from 35 yards out, and sees his nickname flips from Nick the Kick to something else that rhymes with Nick that we don't want little children reading.

As bodies of broken Broncos lay strewn on the field
The Broncos begin from their own 20-yard line after an angst-ridden boot by Lowery goes for a touchback. John Elway is promptly crushed by some fellows in red, led by Neil Smith, for a loss of eight yards. Bobby Humphrey loses an additional two on the next play, and so facing 3rd-and-20, Elway has nothing better to do than to be sacked just two yards from Safety World and the Chiefs are suddenly getting the ball back.

J.J. Birden is the punt returner, and his legs burden the Broncos when he gets the ball to their side of the field. Okoye gets the ball on first down, and immediately thunderbooms his way for 13 yards, and could possibly have had more with a wide open field had his shoelace not gotten caught in one of the earth's fissures.

Quarter Two
Word to your mother for 3 yards on first down, followed by a DeBerg pass that is blocked at the line of scrimmage, and the Chiefs are facing another third down dilemma. DeBerg gets the call to go back to the air, and for a moment this looks like a wise decision with a wide open Alfredo Roberts in the end zone. Unfortunately, his pass knocks over a nachos vendor, sending hot cheese and jalapenos hurtling into the sky, followed by a football kicked by Nick Lowery from 32 that hurtles through the uprights this time for three points.

Kansas City leads 3-0

Denver puts together another drive that's sure to see offensive coaches selling jock straps next year with a Humphrey run for a loss and two batted away passes, one from the flea flicker set-up. Mike Horan's punt winds up somewhere in the mesosphere, and the Chiefs get a new ball and a new set of downs to boot.

And suddenly, my Tecmo decisions
aren't so crazy after all
From the gun, DeBerg continues his streak of successfully incomplete passes. On second down, the streak is broken when his laser up the middle to Roberts is brought in at the Denver 45-yard line. A play action pass to Robb Thomas is broken up by two Denver defenders and the extra 'B' in his first name, and after Warren Powers sacks DeBerg back into Chiefs' territory it's third down. DeBerg goes out of the gun again, but his pass to Word is read all the way and the Chiefs are out to punt--scratch that, it looks like...it looks like Coach Mary Schottenheimer is sending Nick the Kick back out on the field! After missing one from 33 and another bouncing in off the uprights from 32, he's now being given a shot from those two combined...plus 2 more yards!

I don't want to spoil what happens, so I'll just begin with Denver's next drive from midfield. With 1:32 remaining on the clock, the Broncos smartly go with Everyday Steve Sewell for 13 yards. Humphrey tacks on 15 more over two more rushes, and the Broncos are down to 17 seconds left in the half. And just to prove that maybe even after watching Tecmo games for nearly 20 years I still don't know it all, Denver goes for one more play instead of kicking the automatic field goal that the COM almost always chooses under 20 seconds. This time it pays off for the men in orange, when Elway laces a beauty to Mark Jackson from 21-yards out, and the Broncos march into halftime with a lead they've had for exactly 10 seconds.

Halftime - Broncos 7, Chiefs 3

Quarter Three
Denver takes the ball in the second half with hopes of building on their lead. They start at their own thirty on first down, where they also start on second when Humphrey gets nowhere. Sewell takes it around the left side for six yards, and on 3rd and 4 we see when exactly the Broncos saved their big play for, as Elway hits Jackson at the Chiefs' 32-yard line. Two plays later, and Vance Johnson takes in his first pass of the game, dodging four Kansas City tacklers and Kip Winger in a rickshaw for Denver's second touchdown.

Denver leads 14-3

Kansas City gets a chance to answer with good field position at the 44-yard line. Okoye and Word share the first two carries for a total of 0 yards, about as many as left tackle Rich Baldinger has on the day, and on 3rd and 10 DeBerg goes to the air, finding Roberts for 15 yards into Denver territory. Word and Okoye pick it up on the next two plays for a total of 15 yards to the Broncos' 24-yard line. DeBerg faces a blitz on first and second down, and both times throws a pass that only hits the fingertips of Broncos' defenders. On 3rd and 10, Steve makes it happen again with a pass to Word on the run, who gains 14 yards to the Denver 9. Okoye gets it all the way to the 2-yard line on the next play, but a Rocky Mountain avalanche led by Marc Munford comes down on DeBerg, who loses 10 yards. On 3rd and goal from the 12-yard line, the Chiefs go with play-action and a pass to Okoye is overthrown in the end zone as the quarter comes to a quiet end.

Quarter Four
Lowery makes it a decent 50/50 day with a kick through the uprights from 30 yards out.

Denver leads 14-6

Thanks to the marquee, we now know Lowery didn't slip
Down by 8 with just under five minutes to go, Kansas City takes the less-conservative option and goes with the onside kick. John Elway recovers it and immediately begins digging into the turf at Mile High as eleven Chiefs plus a couple glue factory workers come tumbling toward him. Denver starts from their own 48, and one play later start forty more yards down the field after a big connection with Jackson. Elway looks to Johnson in the back of the end zone to put this one away, but Kevin Ross keeps his Chiefs in the game with a pick and touchback.

Okoye gets the ball on first down and gains 9 yards. Word manages to get the first down on the next play, but fumbles it over to Karl Mecklenburg who doesn't get any return yards due to his biting a chunk out of the football.

John Elway apparently doesn't want the ball back yet, as his pass via the flea flicker is intercepted for a second time by Kevin Ross in the end zone.

He's so scary, you can't even see him
The Chiefs get their season-defining drive underway with a Word handoff, who busts his way for 20 yards near midfield. DeBerg finds Paige on first down for 12 yards into Denver territory. Word gains another 8, and the Chiefs are forced to take their last time-out when he can't get out of bounds. Two straight passes to Paige in the end zone come with incompletions, and now Kansas City faces 3rd down with just 58 seconds to go. Coach Schottenheimer flips through his book for possible game-winning third down plays, and goes with the most obvious--a pitch to Okoye, who nightmares his way for a 33-yard touchdown about 18 minutes after he was asked to do so. The Chiefs pass on a game-tying 2-point conversion, and go for the sure extra point.

Denver leads 14-13

Kansas City fans everywhere are SMHing when the extra-point/onside kick plan fails, knowing they should have gone for two instead, and Denver wisely runs out the clock with surprisingly their first Johnson reverse of the day.

Final: Broncos 14, Chiefs 13

The Chiefs leave Denver two points from a win and from seeing their hopes for a playoff spot realized. After an inspiring 3-game win streak to pull themselves from a 2-5 debacle, they're now looking up at quite a few other teams in the AFC jockeying for position. Kansas City's run game was very present, with Word and Okoye teaming up for 122 yards, and DeBerg out-slung Elway on the field, but it all came down to missed opportunities. Also, Nick Lowery has to feel like a pretty big goat after this one--not for coming up short from 67-yards out, but from shanking a 33-yarder that turned out to be a game-changer. Denver sneaks away with this one after a shoddy performance, and stand alone atop the AFC West for at least one week. The Chiefs, meanwhile, have company in the Raiders at the bottom, and judging from what we know about Bob Golic, that's a party that not many people will come out of alive.



Sunday, November 27, 2011

Week Twelve: November Spawned a Mecklenburg

It hasn't snowed yet at The Tecmo Bowl headquarters, but the air's gone cold and you can believe there's more than a handful of teams locked down and ready for the final month of football. It must be the end of November, as the smiles have gone from the faces of the players (unless they've been forever pixellated into place by Tecmo's programmers) and there are a few teams only one or two more losses from extinction this season. This is why we started the whole thing, folks, so let's get comfy in our La-Z-Boys with our favorite light beer and see how this thing plays out.

  
1:00 Games


Hearts are palpitating
Cleveland (4-6) at Houston (8-2)
Aside from the fact that these two play in the same division, there's not much in common between the squads. Houston scored in every quarter, while the Browns waited until the fourth. QB Browns threw up 3 interceptions on the day, while Drew Hill caught 6 passes for 162 yards for Houston, more than Browns threw all day. The only thing hot in Cleveland right now is the seat of Coach Belichick's pants.

Final Score: Oilers 24, Browns 14

Tampa Bay (5-5) at Atlanta (2-8)
Greg Davis more than likely booted Tampa Bay out of the postseason in this overtime comeback win for Atlanta. It was all-Dirty Bird offense, with Chris Miller connecting on 72% of his passes, 4 of them to Andre Rison for 101 yards. The Buccaneers may have seen their hopes for perhaps the first ever Tecmo postseason berth as a COM team evaporate, but Randy Grimes is sure to take home the Creepiest Mustache Award.

Final Score: Falcons 24, Buccaneers 21 (OT)

He may be 'punky', but he loves to throw 'the pill'
Indianapolis (3-7) at Chicago (4-6)
As much fun as we have with Indianapolis' ineptitude, they do have three more wins than Curtis Painter. However, this Colts' squad would have to play another full season before they could replicate Jim Harbaugh's 100% completion rate or run off the face of the earth like Neal Anderson. The Bears come back in a big way, which is good for them considering the Fridge's Rage-o-Meter is on the verge of breaching. 

Final Score: Bears 37, Colts 14

Pittsburgh (4-6) at Washington (6-4)
This one was closer than the Redskins would have liked, with their victory claimed by a Chip Lohmiller field goal, but at the end of the season it's just another 'W'--something that's eluded the Steelers too many times this season for any playoff hopes. Bubby Brister out-shined Mark Rypien with more passing yards and fewer picks, but judging based on the hotness of one's daughter, we call Rypien the ultimate victor.

Final Score: Redskins 24, Steelers 21

Phoenix (1-10) at San Francisco (6-4)
If you were of the majority who thought that this would be a game that the 49ers overlooked, eventually leading to a huge upset by the Cardinals and the decisive game in which the Rams pull ahead to claim the division, well then you probably also thought that Timm Rosenbach could still pull a win out of his ass even after throwing 3 interceptions and less than one hundred yards on the day.

Final Score: 49ers 27, Cardinals 17

Screenshot captured mainly for posterity
Miami (8-2) at Buffalo (7-2-1)
The Dolphins might have thought that their half-game lead before this contest was pretty huge, considering their opponent and how far along they are this season, so when they totally outplayed the Bills you'd have to believe the printing presses in South America are already busy with World Champion Miami sweatshirts. When Marino throws 348 yards and the running back catches 134 of them, you know you're in deep doo-doo.

Final Score: Dolphins 24, Bills 14

Green Bay (6-3-1) at Minnesota (10-1)
Minnesota is still in the "test" phase of their improbable season, and the lab technicians here at The Tecmo Bowl are still baffled by the results. While the team continues to win, despite their offense putting out numbers like 133 yards passing and 52 rushing, the fact that they make proud quarterbacks like Don Majkowski only complete 28% of his passes for 127 yards are signs of a weird experiment about to turn into a Frankensteinian disaster.

Final Score: Vikings 27, Packers 7

4:00 Games

Seattle (6-4) at L.A. Raiders (4-6)
The Seahawks may not be ready to hit the panic button yet, but the fact that they gave up a lead to the Raiders in the fourth quarter is pretty bad considering this is the late-season Tecmo Raiders. Jay Schroeder was a big part of that, as he didn't want his 100% passing day wasted with a loss. Dave Krieg had to see his 345-yard passing day squandered, but at least he still has better Ladykiller locks.

Final Score: Raiders 21, Seahawks 17

Cincinnati (5-5) at Philadelphia (6-4)
With the rest of the league predictably winning their late season games, the Bengals still continue to upset the apple cart. Boomer Esiason keeps his team in the playoff hunt with his 91% passing percentage and 255 yards, 163 of those brought down by scalding-hot Tim McGee. To be serious for a moment, if the Bengals do in fact squeeze into the postseason, I'm going to give McGee the MVP before the playoffs even start.

Final Score: Bengals 28, Eagles 21

San Diego (7-3) at New Orleans (4-6)
The Saints are the victors in this age-old rivalry, stalling the Chargers' ability to claim sole possession of first in the AFC West. New Orleans keeps the light on with Steve Walsh throwing 265 yards and Eric Martin catching 106 of them, and the Saints hold on despite not scoring in the second half. San Diego is cruising to a late-season crash and burn, but you wouldn't know it from the look on Leslie O.Neal's face.

Final Score: Saints 17, Chargers 13

And the Jets match their total points for the year
New England (1-9) at New York Jets (3-7)
The Patriots lose in convincing fashion, as Steve Grogan completes more passes to the Jets defense than his own team with 5 picks and only connecting for 84 yards, just over half of what Blair Thomas caught from Ken O.Brien. New York controlled this one with 21 first downs, and now control their own destiny in not being the most terrible team in their division. As far as the rest of the league is concerned, however, they'll have more convincing to do if Freeman McNeil is the leading rusher with 34 yards.

Final Score: Jets 38, Patriots 14

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you're not excited for the AFC West showdown on Monday Night, then we may need to have the doctors check your pulse one more time. The Chiefs climb the mountains into Denver to face the division-leading Broncos, looking for a sweep of their rival. Kansas City's Week Eight victory over Denver jump-started their 3-game win streak en route back to a .500 record, but they'll need this contest as well if they want to be taken seriously in their quest for a playoff berth. We predicted the Chiefs to take the division over Denver despite an identical record, and if they can beat the Broncos we'll still have time to pat our backs. Should Denver win, they'll take sole possession of first and of psychiatric counsel for Karl Mecklenburg.

Seriously, this guy's a freak.