Looking Ahead: Week Nine

The midseason point is fast approaching, with this week marking the eighth game played for every single one of our 28 beloved Tecmo teams. The majority of the AFC West is on bye during this last week of games off, and will be the last teams to pull out of the pit as we get set for the season's round two. We've already made a few new memories in this 1992 season, though it appears those will all take a backseat to the ones made in the more meaningful games of November and December. Because we missed this feature last week, and next week will be our mid-season report, we're opting to give you our most in-depth "Looking Ahead" to date! The ground is frozen, the sky is dark, and the pumpkins have all been chewed up by squirrels on their way to hibernation (ed: squirrels do not hibernate), so let's peer into the Week Nine looking glass!

EARLY GAMES

Keys to Victory: The fewer clouds Chandler
sees, the better

What's this? The Phoenix Cardinals are in upset mode? The 0-7 Cardinals head into this week facing perhaps the best team in the league in San Francisco. We're all aware that no team can go 0-16 in a season, especially this day and age, so it's only a matter of time before the Cardinals pick up their first win (ed: the Detroit Lions would eventually go 0-16 in 2008, but that's far off in the distant future). What better time than now, with the 49ers clearly overlooking them en route to another division crown? UPSET ALERT: Phoenix shocks the world, 21-17!

Buffalo returns off the bye bench to a welcomed match-up with the Welcome Mat Patriots out of New England. Despite a disappointing season so far, the Bills are still very much in striking distance in their weakened division, and springing off the free-falling Patriots may just be the remedy they need to ward off the devil, who's come to collect, for at least a few more games. Buffalo takes the wheel and never relents, returning to glory if just for one game: 38-14

Nine weeks in, and the Saints are still rolling. Despite a few early season surprises, nobody pegged this rag-tag group of debauched misfits out of New Orleans to continue to ride in stride with the 49ers. The explosive Pied Piper, Bobby Hebert, has all sorts of rats following him into this second half of the season, ready to dethrone the perennial champions out of California for an unexpected division championship. They face a team with another devout following in Tampa Bay, though the Buccaneers have more of a habit of calling it in when they feel overmatched--and against the 1992 Saints, they clearly are. Saints ain't slowin' down yet; out-shoot the Bucs 27-7


San Diego lost sight of their solid season by losing to the inferior Broncos last week. They won't let that happen again when they face off against the sorry Colts out of Indianapolis. Where Denver had fire and buckin' Broncos, Indianapolis is filled with a stable of castrated Colts. After a decent start to the season, Jeff George and Co. got mauled by Buffalo and haven't been the same since. The Chargers, meanwhile, with their veteran presence behind Stan Humphries, Nate Lewis and Gill Byrd, have proven more resilient and will bounce back from their loss last week to take the AFC West back with rest of the division off. Chargers take charge, continuing the Colts' woes: 24-3

Starting with this Detroit/Green Bay contest, the rest of this week's games are all intra-divisional affairs. Usually a contest that sees Green Bay roll over the Lions, we've seen too many mistakes from rookie Brett Favre and their weak ground game to hand this one to the cheeseheads. Detroit is a team ready to burst, and this may be the game to do it as they all but eliminate the Packers from a surprise playoff entry at the end of the year. Detroit pulls out long-awaited victory in see-saw affair, 26-23

Chicago Believes.

Another NFC Central dust-up will feature division-leading Vikings battling the Chicago Bears. Minnesota won their first contest handily in Week 5, but after losing to Washington last week, their already shaky confidence took a big hit. Despite two big win streaks the last two seasons, the Vikings have never had a deep team, whereas the Bears can be dangerous any day of the week (and twice on Sunday). The momentum is in Chicago's favor, with two week's worth of divisional foe beat-downs, and we think they'll have Rich Gannon's brittle bones clear in their sights come Sunday afternoon. Bears continue to roll, pushing the Vikings' ship further off course 30-21

After Week 3, the Browns were 0-3 and Cincinnati was 3-0. Since then, Cleveland hasn't lost, while the Bengals bungled away a division lead and haven't won. The Browns could continue to roll behind a stout defense and Mike Tomczak enjoying the view from Kevin Mack's shoulders, but we're not so certain that they're this year's versions of the Rams quite yet. A win here by Cleveland could have the nation's eyes turn to the dirty, inbred cousin of Cincinnati, meaning the attention the Bengals had in the first few weeks of a promising season could be lost for good. We don't think Boomer's ready to give up the ghost quite yet. Bengals win back the honor of Ohio (we think that's a good thing?), 19-13

LATE GAMES

Last year, there was a marquee match-up in the NFC East, and it was between the New York Giants and Washington Redskins. Two teams that battled back and forth for the division crown last year won't find themselves in that position this year, barring a miracle or a fractured Randall Cunningham fibula, but they still possess a somehow watchable enigma. Two of the 'old-guard' teams from the '80s continue to battle for their right to exist, and with aging and dwindling characters on both teams, this one could get ugly fast. The Giants have been respectable after a sluggish start, but won't replicate their nearly impossible run from last season. Redskins continue to pester their divisional brothers, holding them back for another week 28-21

There are three teams at 6-1 in the NFC West right now, and of those 3 perhaps the most surprising is the Atlanta Falcons. They soundly defeated the once-undefeated 49ers to pull even, but it was at perhaps the worst possible time: right before their division's bye week. The Falcons now have to try and continue their momentum against the lost lamb of the flock, the Los Angeles Rams. Though the Rams clearly don't have a shot at defending their divisional crown from last year, they still have enough fight left in them to throw some water on the Falcons' fire after getting stalled by their week off. Falcons' inexperience finds them tumbling off the ladder against Los Angeles, losing 21-18

Dallas spent the entire offseason bragging about having the 'right pieces' finally coming together after a decade of futility, with quarterback Troy Aikman, running back Emmitt Smith and receivers Michael Irvin and Kelvin Martin teaming with a impassable defense to grab a division crown. Though we've yet to see this perfect potion of owner Jerry Jones' dreams, there have been signs of a successful team brewing with Smith leading the rushing category and Aikman finding his receivers on a regular basis. Though they play in a relatively weak division that should be for the taking, they must contend with the powerful Philadelphia Eagles and their always dangerous quarterback, Randall Cunningham, who can burn a team through the air or on the ground. Cowboys can't pass the test, failing to stop the Phenom on the ground, 30-20

The afternoon ends with a rematch of a game everyone was talking about in Week One as Pittsburgh takes on defending Tecmo Bowl Champions, the Houston Oilers. The Steelers stole a win in the opening week's contest, but since then stumbled to four losses in a row. Now, however, they've hit the hot streak everyone was waiting for, and it's just in time for revenge game. Despite Houston's 0-2 start, they've proven to be just as hot a team as ever, with every intention of returning to the championship game. Though Tecmo has a large magic hat for each season, we don't think there's room in there for another black and yellow rabbit. Oilers remain the class of the division, spoiling the Steelers' surge 31-10

Each year, Monday Night contests are culled at random with the intention of featuring every team at least once. When we picked our Week 9 contest between Miami and the New York Jets, we expected it to be another contest wherein the Dolphins rolled over another divisional opponent en route to a convincing division championship. We couldn't have been more wrong, and we can't be happier. The Monday contest will pit these two blood brothers against each other, with the winner coming out on top as the sole leader in the division. Though the Jets have been riding a magic carpet pulled by the tandem of Brad Baxter and Blair Thomas, it's been the surprising play of O.Brien back-up Browning Nagle that's kept the Jets in it. Whether he's got the gall to match up with Dan Marino remains to be seen, but we're expecting nothing short of fireworks in this very meaningful mid-season match-up. Dolphins eke out the victory behind the veteran leadership of Marino over Nagle's stage fright, 28-24

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AFC

NFC

 

Byes: Denver Broncos, Kansas City Chiefs, Los Angeles Raiders, Seattle Seahawks

Monday Night Football: Dallas vs. L.A. Raiders

Halloween week has never really been anything out of the ordinary for NFL fans. For a sport with people wearing cheese blocks on their heads, costumes aren't anything new. However, with the night in which demons are free to roam the earth fast approaching, we here at the Tecmo Bowl couldn't find a better game to feature than one including the Los Angeles Raiders. They're a group of misfit pirates cheered on by a band of miscreant barbarians with only one goal in mind: beat their opponents black and blue. If they should win a few games, that's a mere bonus; and this year's Raiders have done a decent job of that. Tonight, they'll face off against an upstart Dallas team which, on the surface, don't appear too fazed, but beneath have to be shivering in their spurs with the prospects of falling further down the rungs of their division. It's an important midseason battle between two hungry teams, and we're not editing it for content.

Quarter One
Future Boston College Hall-of-Famer Kelvin Martin is out on the field for Dallas, returning a Jeff Jaeger kick out to his own 45 yard line to start this ball game. The Raiders came ready to pillage the Dallas offense, destroying Emmitt Smith for a loss of 5 yards on the first play. As the black and silver scourge celebrate over their loot, however, Michael Irvin is on call to run the famous Irvin Reverse (not to be confused with the famous Irvin Curse that ran rampant through the Dallas locker room during training camp), regaining 12 yards. Emmitt's next run picks up 11 more yards to set up an Aikman pass out of the shotgun formation. Tight end Jay Novacek lays out for the dead duck, sliding head first into the end zone for the Cowboys' first score.

Dallas leads 7-0

Sam Graddy, Olympic gold medalist and Cherokee County Fair blue ribbon winner, is out to return the kick for the Raiders. After a humble run to the 14-yard line, Graddy will be spending some more time at home making his famous peach cobbler when a Dallas blocker inverts his knees. The Raiders spend two plays running their version of the 'Smith' draw, but just like their names, Steve's attempts are far less exciting than Emmitt's. On 3rd and 7, Jay Schroeder drops back to pass but bounces it off the fingertips of Tim Brown. Hide your wives, here comes Jeff Gossett out to punt!

Martin gets another solid return on the punt to the Cowboys' 45-yard line, from which the Aikman show is set to begin. A lateral pass to Smith picks up 5 yards, to be overshadowed by Troy's sack-dodging laser beam to Mr. Martin for an additional 40. Everyone's favorite Daryl, Mr. Johnston, gets his first rushing attempt of the day for 4 yards around the left side, which is capped off by Emmitt Smith picking up the final 11 for his first touchdown of the day.

Dallas leads 14-0

Just when everyone stopped wondering where the hell Marcus Allen was, he shows up as the backup kick returner to a man with pie filling for gloves. Allen returns the Dallas kickoff to his team's 38-yard line, and on Los Angeles' first play, Steve Smith strikes about as much fear as the confused boy dressed as the Pink Ranger for Halloween when he punches his way through for 6 yards. A Dallas blitz erases that gain when linebacker Robert Jones takes down Schroeder. On third down, the John Carpenter soundtrack kicks in as the body count continues to rise, with Godfrey Myles taking out his defender and leaving Jay Schroeder writhing on the ground surrounded by masked madmen.

Quarter Two
The final quarter before halftime begins with Gossett's second punt, a doozie that pins the Cowboys deep for the first time all game. Fortunately for Dallas, their league-leading rusher erases a good portion of that deficit with a 70-yard run in which he goes untouched by a single L.A. defender to the Raiders' 5-yard line. Aikman is out to connect on his second passing touchdown of the evening, a stinger to Michael Irvin in the back of the end zone.

Dallas leads 21-0

Allen makes another cameo appearance to return the kick to the Raiders' 38-yard line. The goblins from Dallas continue to torment Los Angeles' offense, however, shutting Dickerson out on his first two plays of the game. Schroeder escapes another blitz, connecting on his first pass to Tim Brown for 22 yards. The Cowboys continue to bring the heat, but the suddenly calculating Raiders' offense is clicking with a couple of nice Dickerson runs followed by a perfect lob into the waiting arms of Willie Gault at the Dallas 2-yard line. Eric Dickerson completes the drive with a touchdown for his team, his tenth of the season.

Dallas leads 21-7

Martin continues to pave the path for his team's success with his third kick return past the 40-yard line, though an Anthony Smith sack of Aikman pushes them back 11 yards. A pass to Renaissance Man Martin erases the deficit, though on third down Troy's pass is tipped at the line. One of the 35 people listed on Wikipedia's page for notable names out of Arcadia, California, John Saxon makes an appearance to punt the ball just inside the goal line.

With 9 seconds left in the half, it was a perfect opportunity for a Steve Smith run up the middle. Of course, being they're the Raiders, they couldn't even follow that simple formula, and instead unleashed Schroeder to toss a short pass to Willie Gault, who somehow outran every Dallas defender to put this once-runaway game back within reach at halftime.

Dallas leads 21-14

Halftime - Cowboys 21, Raiders 14

Quarter Three
After the momentum shift that caused the San Andreas fault to crack open a few inches wider, the Raiders came back out to start a possible game-tying drive. Starting at their own 38-yard line, L.A.'s offensive line suddenly found themselves running from the man in the Robert Jones costume, allowing his second sack of Schroeder this evening. Somehow, Cool Jay was able to compose himself long enough to find Tim Brown for another 20+-yard completion for a fresh set of downs. However, with the shades of Schroeder's Jones-plagued past continuing to haunt his dreams, he's unable to connect with Gault on the next two plays, the second of which getting intercepted by a mysterious stranger, known to some as 'Clayton Jones'.

Michael Irvin sandwiches a long Emmitt Smith run with two reverse plays, one for 13 yards and one for a loss of two that knocks them back to the Los Angeles 3-yard line. Smith finishes the job with a draw play to pick up his second rushing score.

Dallas leads 28-14

Marcus Allen, apparently happy with his week's paycheck, coughs up the football at his own 45-yard line to give his team's opponent the ball back up by two scores. The witching hour has begun early for the silver and black.

Aikman goes back to the air, finding his favorite target of the evening in Kelvin Martin for 33-yard to the Raiders' 1-yard line. Once again on the precipice of danger, Los Angeles' defense holds tough for one of the three required plays to force a field goal. The second required play results in Smith's third touchdown.

Dallas leads 35-14

Apparently missing the no-fumble clause in his modified contract, Allen is back out to return the kick to near midfield. Eric Dickerson picks up 20 yards in the final play of the third quarter.

Quarter Four
Despite the promising start of the drive, the treats continue to elude the Raiders' offense when Schroder finds another Clayton Holmes razorblade in his apple.

With the Cowboys cruising, the Los Angeles defense returns for the first time since the first play of the first quarter to stop Dallas on a three-and-out to get the ball back with just over 3 minutes on the game clock. They'll have to also contend with a long field after a booming John Saxon punt pins them behind their own 20-yard line. Jay Schroeder runs out to the field, eliciting the loudest screams of the night.

In about two plays and five seconds, the Raiders are already facing a 3rd-and-9 situation, once again bailed out by the ghost of Eric Dickerson's career when he's able to gouge out a nice 22-yard run. A short 5-yard dash and a near-pick follow up this play, putting Los Angeles back in the belly of the beast. Dickerson is once again entrusted with saving this drive, and does so with a catch-and-run in coverage to the Dallas 14-yard line. The two-headed dinosaur of Steve Smith and Dickerson pick up 9 yards over the next two plays, and on a 3rd-and-1 game-changer, the Cowboys' blitz gobble up Smith for a yard loss. Facing 4th-and-2 at the 6-yard line, the Dallas defense once again locks its eyes on Smith with a blitz to end the drive, calling into question the strange late-game decisions of both coaching staffs.

Aikman pleases Tecmo fantasy players everywhere with a 57-yard heave to Martin to close out the game, padding both mens' stats and ruining one guy's week for playing Ivory Lee Brown over Martin.

Final: Cowboys 35, Raiders 14

It was another blowout on Monday Night Football, this time with the Dallas Cowboys storming their way back over .500 with the Raiders as their victims. Los Angeles enters their bye week licking a few wounds, their once promising ground game exposed alongside a defense that sat around picking daisies rather than imitating the gory Gwar-like massacres by their fans in the parking lots before (and after) the game. Emmitt Smith had another career day to keep himself at the top of the league's rushers, and with some important divisional games coming up it'll be up to him to keep his team afloat in the race. Despite the rout, I'd say we had some fun cavorting up and down the streets of the Tecmo Bowl's eighth Monday Night Football game. There were tricks like Willie Gault's miracle run as the half expired, treats like seeing Kelvin Martin break out as a star in the Dallas defense. And of course, there were the unspeakable horrors each time Jay Schroeder lofted up a pass. All in all, another successful All Hallow's Eve week here at the Tecmo Bowl, with just enough time left to feast on the strange powedery candy given out by Nate Newton's mom.

Week Eight: A Pleasant Sunday Afternoon

There's been a lot of excitement going on around the expanded universe of Tecmo. In this alternate dimension, sports networks focus their documentaries on following the exploits of a niche group of Tecmo cultists in the cold, barren northwoods of Madison, Wisconsin rather than the actual superhuman exploits of athletes, and for that we couldn't be more pleased (though we did see a nice blend of the two when Christian Okoye, the Nigerian Nightmare himself, played against...himself...in a contest of Tecmo). In the midst of this magical week, the men and women here at The Tecmo Bowl suffered a bit of oversight and didn't get our weekly 'Looking Ahead' feature done for the second time this year. To make up for this egregious error, we would like to offer up this candid photograph of sack-leader Anthony Pleasant to you, our congregation, for your faithful following so far this year. Now to the games!

1:00 Games

Philadelphia (4-2) * Phoenix (0-6)

It's an NFC East rematch between these two, with a chance for the Cardinals to complete a big upset for their first win of the season. Unfortunately, these nomads from the desert must continue in their search for the elusive victory, as the Eagles shut the door early on another important divisional victory to keep the lead. Randall Cunningham nearly struggled to outplay Chris Chandler, with the two throwing for a combined 418 yards and 4 interceptions (2 each). Uncharacteristically for a team with a bird mascot, it was the Eagles' ground game that sealed the win, with Herschel Walker and Cunningham combining for 171 rushing yards on just 9 attempts.

Final Score: Eagles 28, Cardinals 6

Chicago (3-3) * Green Bay (2-4)

With another unnamed team in the NFC Central riding a bullet, it's now a battle for bragging rights deep in the middle of the division. The Packers are skidding horribly behind their rookie quarterback, Brett Favre, who once again struggled for control. He completed 83% of his passes for a promising 324 yards, though apparently the other 17% of his throws were to Bears defenders, as they picked him off 3 times to seal the win in their comeback march. With Brad Muster returning, the Bob Christian Express takes a backseat; though we think the Bears have found a way to keep from derailing for now.

Final Score: Bears 33, Packers 28

Washington (2-4) * Minnesota (6-0)

It's a rematch of last year's NFC Championship game, though in this contest it appears only one team has a real shot of returning. The Redskins still get Minnesota's number, however, shutting Rich Gannon down to just 66 yards passing with a pick. Mark Rypien was stoically efficient, completing about half of his passes for 152 yards and no turnovers, while Earnest Byner and Terry Allen competed for yards on the ground, 87 yards to Allen's 95. With the score suggesting this game could've gone either way, we think there was a Roger Craig de-pantsing somewhere near the end zone as time ran out.

Final Score: Redskins 21, Vikings 14

New York Giants (2-4) * Seattle (2-5)

Two 2-win teams that were in the playoffs last year compete in this meaningless mid-season battle, with the Giants coming out on top behind the rise of Jarrod Bunch and his 98 rushing yards. Seattle's momentum comes to a screeching halt when someone apparently pinched Stan Gelbaugh awake long enough to throw just 133 yards with 2 interceptions. Unfortunately for Seattle, a sleeping Gelbaugh may have played better than Jeff 'the Walking Dead' Hostetler, whose 94 passing yards with a pick put this win on the backs of his defense, a horde of running zombies who have a particular taste for Chris Warren's brains.

Final Score: Giants 27, Seahawks 13

Detroit (1-5) * Tampa Bay (3-3)

A week after their disappointing loss to Chicago, the Buccaneers have a chance to get back on the wagon by playing yet another inferior opponent in the Lions. It's a return game for Detroit, who have a chance to get just their second win while also driving a stinger deep into Tampa Bay's playoff hopes. The Bucs' defense held strong, however, walling up Barry Sanders and crushing Rodney Peete, who had no options all day. Vinny Testaverde threw just 177 yards, 144 of those to Lawrence Dawsey, though we still think the Vinny mask will be the most popular come Wednesday evening.

Final Score: Buccaneers 19, Lions 3

Pittsburgh (2-4) * Kansas City (2-5)

Don't look now, but the Steelers still have a chance to save their season when they take on the underwhelming Chiefs out of Kansas City. Each of Dave Krieg's completed passes were to his own receivers, but K.C.'s porous defense couldn't keep from blowing the game in the final seconds. Pittsburgh leans heavily on Barry Foster once again, giving him 168 yards on the ground combined with a 52-yard pass to put him over 200 on the day, and the formula that new coach Bill Cowher has been looking for was right beneath his nose the whole time. Nobody wants to play against a mustache that mean.

Final Score: Steelers 27, Chiefs 20

Indianapolis (2-4) * Miami (4-2)

With a chance to right the ship and shake up the waters in the AFC East, the Colts collide head-first with the rising Dolphins of Miami. And once again, the 'Phins coast behind Dan Marino and his 275 passing yards, with 140 of those going to Philadelphia cast-out tight end Keith Jackson. First overall pick Jeff George is still enjoying his vacation in the land of mediocrity, lobbing up a lazy 158 yards for just a 40% completion rating, simply unable to keep up with the explosive offense out of South Beach. The Colts lose their fifth in a row, and at this rate they'll be lucky if the commissioner lets them play five more.

Final Score: Dolphins 28, Colts 20

4:00 Games

Buffalo (3-3) * New York Jets (4-2)

In what is likely the game of their season, the Jets look for a mid-season upset of Buffalo to keep pace. And with Browning Nagle at the helm, who could doubt this Gang Green squad? Keeping his composure in the second half, Nagle and his Jets scored 17 unanswered points to edge out the defending division champion Bills. Once again, Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas collapsed in the final quarter and a half, with Kelly only connecting for 116 yards and Thomas able to find 50 on the ground in 10 attempts. This may be the season where we see which way the toilets flush in Buffalo.

Final Score: Jets 24, Bills 21

Houston (4-2) * Cincinnati (3-3)

These two AFC Central participants collide for the second time in three games, with the Bengals desperately needing a win to end their 3-game skid. The Oilers didn't let up, however, with Lorenzo White eating up a struggling Bengals' rush defense for 55 yards on just 4 attempts. The Bengals attempted to play catch-up through the air, with Boomer Esiason finding rookie Carl Pickens on 5 connections for 162 yards. Unfortunately for Boomer, two of his passes found the hands of Oilers' defenders, which may have told the story of Houston's victory, also one of the best stories to read for insomniacs.

Final Score: Oilers 34, Bengals 24

San Diego (5-1) * Denver (2-5)

After a humbling 0-4 start, the Broncos secured two impressive victories before sacrificing John Elway to lose again last week. This week, the stables unleashed Elway back into the field to launch the ball for 265 yards and a late score to beat the coasting Chargers. Stan Humphries nearly matched Elway pass-for-pass, both completing 52% with Humphries throwing 249 yards of his own. The Chargers' also out-ran the Broncos, but whenever you carry the ball there's always a chance for a game-changing turnover. Which is why Denver perhaps chose to run the ball just 3 times for a total of 0 yards.

Final Score: Broncos 24, Chargers 21

Cleveland (3-3) * New England (1-5)

The Browns have won three games in a row, but they'll be the last to let anyone point that out for fear of jinxing their luck. Fortunately, for another week at least, that luck will continue with drawing New England as their next opponent. Kevin Mack assisted in the heroics of Mike Tomczak, bringing in 91 yards receiving before going out with an injury, while Eric Metcalf led the ground force with 101 yards. Alongside the anomaly of their offensive output, the Cleveland 'D' continued to thrive by picking Hugh Millen twice and forgetting to lock Anthony Pleasant's cage door.

Final Score: Browns 35, Patriots 17

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It's Halloween Week at The Tecmo Bowl, and what can be scarier than a winning Raiders team on the national stage? This means fans with spikes coming out of their lips, fans with skulls emerging from their chests, and Jay Schroeder with some confidence. Emmitt Smith and Eric Dickerson are two of the league's best rushers, with quarterbacks Troy Aikman and Schroeder emerging from the muck of last year to become two of the league's better captains. The Cowboys have to be shaking a bit in their cleats with this match-up coming along at the worst part of the season as they try to keep up with the Eagles in the NFC East. As long as they can avoid a hungry Raiders' defense, fans wielding axes, and NWA mistaking them for cops, Dallas should have a decent shot at getting back in the win column.