Monday Night Football: Dallas vs. L.A. Raiders

Halloween week has never really been anything out of the ordinary for NFL fans. For a sport with people wearing cheese blocks on their heads, costumes aren't anything new. However, with the night in which demons are free to roam the earth fast approaching, we here at the Tecmo Bowl couldn't find a better game to feature than one including the Los Angeles Raiders. They're a group of misfit pirates cheered on by a band of miscreant barbarians with only one goal in mind: beat their opponents black and blue. If they should win a few games, that's a mere bonus; and this year's Raiders have done a decent job of that. Tonight, they'll face off against an upstart Dallas team which, on the surface, don't appear too fazed, but beneath have to be shivering in their spurs with the prospects of falling further down the rungs of their division. It's an important midseason battle between two hungry teams, and we're not editing it for content.

Quarter One
Future Boston College Hall-of-Famer Kelvin Martin is out on the field for Dallas, returning a Jeff Jaeger kick out to his own 45 yard line to start this ball game. The Raiders came ready to pillage the Dallas offense, destroying Emmitt Smith for a loss of 5 yards on the first play. As the black and silver scourge celebrate over their loot, however, Michael Irvin is on call to run the famous Irvin Reverse (not to be confused with the famous Irvin Curse that ran rampant through the Dallas locker room during training camp), regaining 12 yards. Emmitt's next run picks up 11 more yards to set up an Aikman pass out of the shotgun formation. Tight end Jay Novacek lays out for the dead duck, sliding head first into the end zone for the Cowboys' first score.

Dallas leads 7-0

Sam Graddy, Olympic gold medalist and Cherokee County Fair blue ribbon winner, is out to return the kick for the Raiders. After a humble run to the 14-yard line, Graddy will be spending some more time at home making his famous peach cobbler when a Dallas blocker inverts his knees. The Raiders spend two plays running their version of the 'Smith' draw, but just like their names, Steve's attempts are far less exciting than Emmitt's. On 3rd and 7, Jay Schroeder drops back to pass but bounces it off the fingertips of Tim Brown. Hide your wives, here comes Jeff Gossett out to punt!

Martin gets another solid return on the punt to the Cowboys' 45-yard line, from which the Aikman show is set to begin. A lateral pass to Smith picks up 5 yards, to be overshadowed by Troy's sack-dodging laser beam to Mr. Martin for an additional 40. Everyone's favorite Daryl, Mr. Johnston, gets his first rushing attempt of the day for 4 yards around the left side, which is capped off by Emmitt Smith picking up the final 11 for his first touchdown of the day.

Dallas leads 14-0

Just when everyone stopped wondering where the hell Marcus Allen was, he shows up as the backup kick returner to a man with pie filling for gloves. Allen returns the Dallas kickoff to his team's 38-yard line, and on Los Angeles' first play, Steve Smith strikes about as much fear as the confused boy dressed as the Pink Ranger for Halloween when he punches his way through for 6 yards. A Dallas blitz erases that gain when linebacker Robert Jones takes down Schroeder. On third down, the John Carpenter soundtrack kicks in as the body count continues to rise, with Godfrey Myles taking out his defender and leaving Jay Schroeder writhing on the ground surrounded by masked madmen.

Quarter Two
The final quarter before halftime begins with Gossett's second punt, a doozie that pins the Cowboys deep for the first time all game. Fortunately for Dallas, their league-leading rusher erases a good portion of that deficit with a 70-yard run in which he goes untouched by a single L.A. defender to the Raiders' 5-yard line. Aikman is out to connect on his second passing touchdown of the evening, a stinger to Michael Irvin in the back of the end zone.

Dallas leads 21-0

Allen makes another cameo appearance to return the kick to the Raiders' 38-yard line. The goblins from Dallas continue to torment Los Angeles' offense, however, shutting Dickerson out on his first two plays of the game. Schroeder escapes another blitz, connecting on his first pass to Tim Brown for 22 yards. The Cowboys continue to bring the heat, but the suddenly calculating Raiders' offense is clicking with a couple of nice Dickerson runs followed by a perfect lob into the waiting arms of Willie Gault at the Dallas 2-yard line. Eric Dickerson completes the drive with a touchdown for his team, his tenth of the season.

Dallas leads 21-7

Martin continues to pave the path for his team's success with his third kick return past the 40-yard line, though an Anthony Smith sack of Aikman pushes them back 11 yards. A pass to Renaissance Man Martin erases the deficit, though on third down Troy's pass is tipped at the line. One of the 35 people listed on Wikipedia's page for notable names out of Arcadia, California, John Saxon makes an appearance to punt the ball just inside the goal line.

With 9 seconds left in the half, it was a perfect opportunity for a Steve Smith run up the middle. Of course, being they're the Raiders, they couldn't even follow that simple formula, and instead unleashed Schroeder to toss a short pass to Willie Gault, who somehow outran every Dallas defender to put this once-runaway game back within reach at halftime.

Dallas leads 21-14

Halftime - Cowboys 21, Raiders 14

Quarter Three
After the momentum shift that caused the San Andreas fault to crack open a few inches wider, the Raiders came back out to start a possible game-tying drive. Starting at their own 38-yard line, L.A.'s offensive line suddenly found themselves running from the man in the Robert Jones costume, allowing his second sack of Schroeder this evening. Somehow, Cool Jay was able to compose himself long enough to find Tim Brown for another 20+-yard completion for a fresh set of downs. However, with the shades of Schroeder's Jones-plagued past continuing to haunt his dreams, he's unable to connect with Gault on the next two plays, the second of which getting intercepted by a mysterious stranger, known to some as 'Clayton Jones'.

Michael Irvin sandwiches a long Emmitt Smith run with two reverse plays, one for 13 yards and one for a loss of two that knocks them back to the Los Angeles 3-yard line. Smith finishes the job with a draw play to pick up his second rushing score.

Dallas leads 28-14

Marcus Allen, apparently happy with his week's paycheck, coughs up the football at his own 45-yard line to give his team's opponent the ball back up by two scores. The witching hour has begun early for the silver and black.

Aikman goes back to the air, finding his favorite target of the evening in Kelvin Martin for 33-yard to the Raiders' 1-yard line. Once again on the precipice of danger, Los Angeles' defense holds tough for one of the three required plays to force a field goal. The second required play results in Smith's third touchdown.

Dallas leads 35-14

Apparently missing the no-fumble clause in his modified contract, Allen is back out to return the kick to near midfield. Eric Dickerson picks up 20 yards in the final play of the third quarter.

Quarter Four
Despite the promising start of the drive, the treats continue to elude the Raiders' offense when Schroder finds another Clayton Holmes razorblade in his apple.

With the Cowboys cruising, the Los Angeles defense returns for the first time since the first play of the first quarter to stop Dallas on a three-and-out to get the ball back with just over 3 minutes on the game clock. They'll have to also contend with a long field after a booming John Saxon punt pins them behind their own 20-yard line. Jay Schroeder runs out to the field, eliciting the loudest screams of the night.

In about two plays and five seconds, the Raiders are already facing a 3rd-and-9 situation, once again bailed out by the ghost of Eric Dickerson's career when he's able to gouge out a nice 22-yard run. A short 5-yard dash and a near-pick follow up this play, putting Los Angeles back in the belly of the beast. Dickerson is once again entrusted with saving this drive, and does so with a catch-and-run in coverage to the Dallas 14-yard line. The two-headed dinosaur of Steve Smith and Dickerson pick up 9 yards over the next two plays, and on a 3rd-and-1 game-changer, the Cowboys' blitz gobble up Smith for a yard loss. Facing 4th-and-2 at the 6-yard line, the Dallas defense once again locks its eyes on Smith with a blitz to end the drive, calling into question the strange late-game decisions of both coaching staffs.

Aikman pleases Tecmo fantasy players everywhere with a 57-yard heave to Martin to close out the game, padding both mens' stats and ruining one guy's week for playing Ivory Lee Brown over Martin.

Final: Cowboys 35, Raiders 14

It was another blowout on Monday Night Football, this time with the Dallas Cowboys storming their way back over .500 with the Raiders as their victims. Los Angeles enters their bye week licking a few wounds, their once promising ground game exposed alongside a defense that sat around picking daisies rather than imitating the gory Gwar-like massacres by their fans in the parking lots before (and after) the game. Emmitt Smith had another career day to keep himself at the top of the league's rushers, and with some important divisional games coming up it'll be up to him to keep his team afloat in the race. Despite the rout, I'd say we had some fun cavorting up and down the streets of the Tecmo Bowl's eighth Monday Night Football game. There were tricks like Willie Gault's miracle run as the half expired, treats like seeing Kelvin Martin break out as a star in the Dallas defense. And of course, there were the unspeakable horrors each time Jay Schroeder lofted up a pass. All in all, another successful All Hallow's Eve week here at the Tecmo Bowl, with just enough time left to feast on the strange powedery candy given out by Nate Newton's mom.