Week Two: Separation Sunday

It's Week Two: Separation Sunday, where teams will jockey for position and start putting their divisional rivals behind them on the long road to the Tecmo Bowl. Featured on the docket today are a few such games between divisional foes, tied atop the standings with one win apiece. Also featured are games that are destined to be forgotten two seconds after the scores are posted and Bob Nelson is into his fifth Heineken.

1:00 PM Games

Minnesota (0-1) at Atlanta (0-1)

The Vikings temporarily climbed back into the race with a win over Atlanta. Although nobody posted significant numbers on either side, Wade Wilson's ability to find open receivers and Herschel Walker's inability to run for less than 50 yards usually means a better chance for a win this time around.

Final Score: Vikings 20, Falcons 17

Detroit (0-1) at Green Bay (0-1)

Here lies another thrilling game of winless teams which provides no dazzling statistics. The Magic Man did pass for a solid 202 yards, however, while Rodney Peete nearly matched him with 56 of his own. Barry Sanders rushed for over 100 yards again, but the only people that noticed were some bank accounts in the Cayman Islands.

Final Score: Packers 14, Lions 10

I may never delete this screenshot from my CPU

Buffalo (1-0) at Pittsburgh (0-1)

Pittsburgh gets a huge upset win at home over the suddenly very fallible Bills (who you'll remember barely squeaked by Miami in OT last week). The win was made even more dramatic when the Steelers posted 14 unanswered points in the 4th quarter. Bubby Brister threw for 261 yards,  with Louis Lipps catching 132 of them, making it the first time Brister has seen that many lips since that one drunk Freshman girl in college.

Final Score: Steelers 31, Bills 21

San Diego (1-0) at San Francisco (1-0)

The Chargers outgun the 49ers in another huge upset, with B.J. Tolliver heaving up 314 yards to Montana's 294. Anthony Miller was the major hook-up man with 187 yards receiving and a few TDs. Back to back upsets on an early Sunday afternoon usually makes one wonder what could possibly be left, until that same person realizes it's only Week 2 and these teams will still be eliminated in about four more weeks.

Final Score: Chargers 37, 49ers 31

Cincinnati (1-0) at Houston (1-0)
One of the games we mentioned in our 'Looking Ahead' segment didn't disappoint, with this one going to the wire. Boomer Esiason was quiet today, with only 101 yards passing to Warren Moon's un-eclipsable 294. Instead, the Bengals' story on offense was James Brooks, who ran over the Oilers for 121 yards rushing. If only Esiason had brought out the boom stick at the end of the game, I might consider that I woke up in Bizarro Tecmo Land this morning.

Final Score: Oilers 34, Bengals 28 (OT)

Denver (0-1) at L.A. Raiders (0-1)
Elway lucked out with a win in this match-up, throwing the ball away twice to an uninspiring Raiders defense. The Broncos may have been helped out, however, by Jay Schroeder's high-school stats of 106 yards passing and an interception of his own. Somewhere, the Chiefs aren't shaking in their boots.

Final Score: Broncos 17, Raiders 14

Kansas City (1-0) at New Orleans (0-1)
Speaking of the Chiefs, the AFC West leaders didn't look the part today with an anemic passing game by Steve De Berg to match that of the Saints' very own Steve Walsh. Luckily for them, Barry Word was the story of this game, as he trounced the opposite-of-vaunted Saints defense with 126 yards rushing. New Orleans fans can take comfort in the fact that they only play AFC West opponents two more times, and then San Francisco only twice, and then just the rest of the NFL after that.

Final Score: Chiefs 28, Saints 14

Cowboys and Indians: NFL-style

Washington (1-0) at Dallas (1-0)
Another game we mentioned and another example of divisional rivals looking for separation was on display here, and unfortunately for Dallas the display wasn't a Van Gogh. The game wasn't hardly as close as the score suggests with America's Team scoring a late 4th quarter touchdown, and Mark Rypien wasn't hardly himself throwing 308 yards with no touchdowns. Ernest Byner, on the other hand, never felt more comfortable in his own skin with 12 yards rushing on the day.

Final Score: Redskins 31, Cowboys 14

  4:00 PM Games

Indianapolis (1-0) at Miami (0-1)

Dan Marino was the star of the day with 343 passing yards and a few TDs to 2 interceptions. Jeff George, although only throwing for 210 yards, wasn't so shabby himself with a 69% completion percentage and no interceptions. The running games were identical at 85 total yards, but one has to wonder if the Colts weren't Albert Bentley-less how the score could have flip-flopped and Indianapolis could have been a division leader in a Tecmo season going into Week 3...

Final Score: Dolphins 27, Colts 24 (OT)

NY Jets (1-0) at Seattle (1-0)

Seattle keeps pace with the Chiefs after an eyebrow-raising win over the Jets. Then the eyebrow furrows when one sees that Ken O.Brien only passed for 46 yards, and furrows even more to see Derrick Fenner's 123 rushing yards. The Jets continue the horrid streak for the AFC East this week, while the AFC West suddenly looks like a one-division Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.

Final Score: Seahawks 13, Jets 10

Philadelphia (1-0) at Phoenix (0-1)

The Cardinals stormed back with 14 unanswered points in the fourth quarter, but after allowing 24 points to the Eagles in the first 3 quarters of play, the rally came up a bit short. Timm Rosenbach still showed promise for the future with his uncanny 83% completion rate, and QB Eagles is still stuck in the future after racing for 121 yards and a few scores.

Final Score: Eagles 24, Cardinals 21

Don't worry, I made another sandwich

Chicago (1-0) at Tampa Bay (0-1)

The day ends with me dropping my sandwich to try and print the screen in time, not realizing there'd actually be a third, and supposedly fitting, upset to a Separation Sunday that only brought more teams into muddling 1-1 ties than any actual separation. The Bucs racked up a 20-0 fourth quarter score that turned the seemingly dominant Bears into desperate, suckling cubs and made a second-consecutive 100+ yards rushing game for Neal Anderson obsolete.

Final Score: Buccaneers 23, Bears 20

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Stay tuned for the Sunday night Football Night in America match-up between a New England squad, now surprisingly sniffing a first place tie, and a Cleveland squad looking to back up all that Mike Pagel hype swirling around this past week. It's not a Tecmo fanatic's dream match-up by any means, but if you're into watching two teams with uniforms that remind you of those weird sugar wafer things, then you obviously love things that are odd and unsatisfying!

Yum!

Looking Ahead: Week Two

Week One in the Tecmo Bowl season is over, and although each team is only separated by a game with the other, there are some obvious standouts for the Tecmo Bowl at the end of the year, and others that are more suited for the Tecmo Bowels.

The Vikings need more plays like this, and less plays
involving the words "flea" "flicker" and "Wade Wilson"

One of the teams in the first matchup of Week 2 is a perfect example of the latter, the Minnesota Vikings. They laid a big doughnut on Monday Night Football against the Bears, and were almost single-handedly defeated by just one man: Neal Anderson. Luckily for them, they draw the Atlanta Falcons in week 2, and so their hopeful chances for a .500 season are still alive.

Another intriguing match-up, albeit strangely so, is Cincinnati at Houston. The Oilers stand tied atop the standings with the Bengals, but it was Boomer who stood out among the two quarterbacks. Hoping to repeat his Week One performance will be the fans of Cincinnati, who haven't had a thing to cheer about since Brad Gilbert ended the 8 year drought of American championships in the Cincinnati Open.

The battle of NFC East leaders Washington and Dallas is also a big game to look forward to. The Redskins trounced the Lions in Detroit, which was sort of a given, while Dallas escaped with an overtime win over the lowly Browns. Both teams have a lot to prove, as only one can be the bridesmaid to QB Eagles' Tecmo Bowl wedding.

The Hoss calls this mustache 'cute'

The Sunday night Football Night in America matchup on NBC appears atrocious on paper, but it will be a good chance to showcase backup quarterback Mike Pagel's abilities against the 24th-ranked Patriots defense on a national stage. Also on the national stage will be Steve Grogan's pink pants quickly getting discolored after twenty-or-so sacks.

The final game of the week for Monday Night Football features the winless Giants against the first-place Los Angeles Rams. New York already lost a chance at a big win over the soul-eating 49ers, but they'll now get their chance at a surprisingly solid Rams team with a lot to prove. They've only won one game, but that keeps them tied with San Francisco for at least one week, and an upset over a perennial playoff team like the Giants will get the still-infant internet reporters buzzing about the team in Los Angeles that doesn't include Bo Jackson.

In case you weren't paying attention, here are the standings after only one week of play. See you all Sunday for some exciting September football!

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Monday Night Football: Chicago vs. Minnesota

Monday Night Football brings to you a clash of the final NFC Central contenders, the Chicago Bears and Minnesota Vikings. With every other team in the division losing this week, first place is ripe for the taking. It's all about who wants it more, Neal Anderson and the Bears or Herschel Walker and his millions of wasted dollars. Both teams appear, on paper, to be playoff caliber teams--but that may mostly be due to the fact they play in the same division as Tampa Bay. Chicago is a few pieces stronger, and a win tonight would almost get the t-shirt presses going somewhere in Zanzibar.

Quarter One
Chicago wins the toss, and if the other two previously featured games have taught us anything, it's that this game is pretty much over with already. After Johnny Bailey takes a short kickoff to the Minnesota 48, Neal Anderson wastes no time in making me look like a seasoned soothsayer when he takes the first play over the top of the defense for a 34 yard gain. One play later, and Brad Muster is pulling in a 14 yard pass for the first Chicago touchdown of the game.

Chicago leads 7-0

X marks the horribly placed third-down pass

Minnesota readies itself to get back in the game after a Herschel Walker return to their own 35 yard line. Coach Jerry Burns tells Walker to hit the showers, kid, your work is done, but Walker is talked into staying by the more level-headed running backs coach. Wade Wilson comes out guns blazing, but is sacked by Mike Singletary for an 8 yard loss. After Walker gains the 8 back, Wilson pulls out the flea-flicker on 3rd and 10, after only two minutes having passed in the game. The play that Wilson has stated "never fails" soars over the head of Anthony Carter, bouncing away in quiet failure out of bounds.



Bailey returns the punt to the Bears 21 yard line. Alternating plays by Anderson and Muster get the Bears 21 yards, followed by a Jim Harbaugh scamper for another 14. The Vikings' defensive coordinator finally realizes the Bears offense is actually running plays and sends the team out there to stop them. The plan appears to work at first, until Anderson leaps over somewhere between 2 and 11 defenders for a 30 yard gain. Three plays later, the Anderson pitch that Harbaugh has stated "never fails" gets the Bears another 6 points.

Chicago leads 14-0

Quarter Two
On the first play from scrimmage, Wilson is intercepted to the surprise of nobody.

The Bears use their new opportunity to clog their dirty Chicago cleats into the Vikings throats by surprisingly deciding to keep Anderson on the sideline. The plan doesn't appear to pay off, after a 6 yard Muster loss is followed by an incomplete pass and a Chris Doleman sack. The Vikings get the ball back after a short delay of about a minute and some change.

The real injustice is that the most exciting of plays
is only worth 2 points

Starting back at their own 19, Coach Burns tells his team there'll be no more fancy-boy showboating and it's time to get some hands dirtied. This is showcased by his decision to run the Hassan Jones reverse play for a loss of 10 yards. In an act that the phrase "icing on the cake" was invented for, Dan Hampton proceeds to sack Wilson in the end zone for a safety.

Chicago leads 16-0

Bailey takes another awful kickoff and jogs all the way to the Vikings 41 yard line. Anderson takes three straight runs for a total of 23 yards, but after a no-gain stop and a Harbaugh sack, it's 3rd and 16. Unfortunately, for the remaining three hundred Vikings fans in attendance, the 17 yard snag by Anderson is all the motivation they need to drop their braided helmets and leave. Sadly enough for them, they weren't there to see Anderson take another 7 yard pass to the end zone for his second score of the game.

Chicago leads 23-0

The transparent Metrodome roof didn't prove to be very popular,
especially when to amateur aviators mooned the crowd

With 31 seconds left in the half, the Vikings start with just okay field position at their own 42. A shocking completion by Jones for 25 yards gets Minnesota into Fuad Reveiz range to salvage some pointage and get the Vikings into the locker room with some momentum. When his kick sails wide left, the Metrodome deflates for the first time in its short history. Luckily the loud groans from the remaining fans inflates it in time for the half.

Halftime - Bears 23, Vikings 0






Quarter Three
The Vikings start with the ball on their own 47, and Wilson comes out with fleas flickering. He lobs another one up to Carter, but once again it's incomplete as the pass is broken up. Carter returns to the huddle and tells Wilson to just throw it next time, as it becomes too hard to shed the 8 defenders that show up by the time the ball arrives. Wilson tells Carter to stick it, and to "learn a thing or two from this next play". Although Jones loses 6 yards on the reverse, Wilson acts like he meant to do that as a lesson. His sudden selfish righteousness that he'd come to be infamously known for leads to a sack on the next play, and Harry Newsome is on to punt the ball into a stack of half-eaten Dome Dogs.

The purple you see may actually be from the choking

There is exactly one inconsequential play between the punt and a Neal Anderson 53-yard touchdown run. You know your defense is reeking when that meaningless play is actually a 27-yard completion, something Minnesota's offense has only read about in heroically epic tales.

Chicago leads 30-0

And on the Vikings next drive, Anthony Carter defies all expectations when he jumps and snags a 38 yard reception from Wilson. From there, Carter makes his way to the showers, declaring his job "well done". Unfortunately for the remaining players, a 9 yard sack, pass block and meaningless run means that Reveiz is on to miss another boot from 39 yards out.

With time running down in the third quarter, Chicago pulls out its "Fuck Minnesota" playbook and gets Anderson to follow up a 22 yard strike with a 40 yard bootleg run into the end zone.

Chicago leads 37-0

Not using Fenney until the 4th quarter pretty much
sums up the score of this game

Quarter Four
Starting at their own 24, Coach Burns tells the team "maybe we should use that Fenney guy". Accordingly, two straight runs by Rick Fenney nets the Vikings a rare first down. The next play is a flea flicker fan's worst nightmare--the blitz-sack, causing a fumble by Jones when he tosses it back to his quarterback, who's gone missing beneath a half-dozen Bears uniforms. The fourth quarter heroics of Rick Fenney continue, however, when he somehow is in the area to scoop up the fumble and keep it in Minnesota's hands. Jones is rewarded on the next play for his wise decision-making with a reverse that is blitzed for another 5-yard loss, but on 3rd and 10 there's another Fenney sighting, and the Vikings somehow have their second consecutive third-down conversion. Four plays later, however, and the team in purple has to make the depressingly desperate choice to go for it on 4th and 10. When the closest person to Wade Wilson's pass is an empty treadmill on the sidelines, the Bears get the ball back.

The Bears run down the clock with some Muster runs mixed in with a few Anderson sprints. With one minute to go, Anderson breaks it open again and is waltzing towards the end zone for his potential fourth touchdown. And somehow, some divine goddesses of mercy shine down on the Minnesota Vikings when Joey Browner is allowed to strip the ball at the Minnesota 21-yard line.

Moral victory well in hand, Wilson simply hands the ball off to Herschel Walker with one second to go, mainly so that he can earn his $75 million per game salary for showing up.

Final: Bears 37, Vikings 0

I was expecting a Bears victory, but the blowout of this proportion, mixed with a Vikings shutout, simply confounds me.  Tecmo can be a cruel bitch sometimes, and that's why we all love her. However, the utter contempt she showed for Minnesota in this game kind of makes one raise their eyebrows at what kind of awful, audacious act the Vikings representative in Japan must have pulled to earn this sort of treatment. A tip of the hat very deservedly goes to Neal Anderson, who used the AstroTurf of the Metrodome to propel himself into a very Tecmo-ish 243 rushing yards. Chicago stands alone in first place atop the NFC Central, which is akin to saying that I stand atop my friends in blogging about Tecmo in that their wives can still bring them up in conversations with their families and not break down crying tears of shame.

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Due to the NFL's mouth-watering obsession with having two Monday Night Football games in Week One, I present to you an encore presentation featuring the Phoenix Cardinals and L.A. Rams in the West coast game. However, I will not go into length about the details of the game due to an anonymous check I received to keep from disclosing that Johnny Johnson was a member of the 1991 Phoenix Cardinals. I sent the check back, of course, but will still only present this short blurb due to my utter lack of caring for the outcome of this game.

Phoenix (0-0) * L.A. Rams (0-0)
The man himself, Johnny Johnson, ran wild for 124 yards and two scores. The offensive statistics themselves are actually very eerily similar, but the 9 point difference appears to be in Timm Rosenbach's desire to feed footballs to the opposition. Jim Everett is nearly flawless with a 71% completion rate and 2 passing touchdowns, however even if there was an All-Star game after one contest, he'd still be leaps and bounds behind his division mate Joe Montana's Week One performance.

Tomorrow: Look for our 'Looking Ahead' feature, which will showcase the upcoming matchups and next week's featured games! (Grogan mention inevitable)

Football Night in America: Philadelphia vs. Green Bay

Time to settle the age-old question: who would win a
fight between an eagle and a meat-packager?

It's Philadelphia vs. Green Bay, two teams that your league guide has boldly picked to become eventual NFC playoff contenders. While the main difference between the two teams is that one player has the initials 'QB' before his name, there isn't much separating the two. There's superb offensive talent on both sides of the ball, which could lead to an offensive explosion in this electric Week One match-up. Also, Green Bay has Bob Nelson. It's still early in the season, but both teams are looking to stick their heads out from the pack of early favorites. If Don "Magic Man" Majkowski can keep his team in it through three quarters, they may have a chance to hold off QB Eagles' jivin' jukes.



Quarter One

Someone had to catch it, just not one of the three Packers

Philadelphia wins the toss, and elects to receive. Chris Jacke kicks with the wind, but still only gets it about twenty yards, and before long Kenny Jackson has the ball at about midfield. Two plays later, on 3rd and five, QB Eagles fools everyone and runs for a long 20 yards. On the next play, the Eagles are on the board with a pass into triple coverage to Calvin Williams.

Philadelphia leads 7-0

Green Bay starts with the ball on their own 33 yard line, and soon Majik man and his offense are staring at their own 3rd and 5 situation. Coach Lindy Infante starts to send out the punting unit early, when Majkowski tells him he has other plans. And on the very next play, Don finds Perry Kemp for a beautiful catch and run of 62 yards that gets the Packers on the board.

Score tied 7-7

Jacke lends his efforts in keeping the game tight with another 20 yarder, but it appears only to be a setup to injure Kenny Jackson, which the Packers promptly do. QB Eagles holds a quick vigil, and then looks to the cot as it's carried away and tells Jackson "This drive's for you." After a quick incompletion and 6-yard loss on a sack, Eagles hands it off to Heath Sherman who promptly hands it back to the NFL's Wisconsin representative.

The Green Bay fans are clearly not amused by this trick

Majkowski tells his huddle that he wants to try off a new trick he learned over the weekend. His offense doesn't quite know what to make of the title, the Disappearing Chance for an Important Lead Trick, but after Don's interception it all makes sense.

At their own 33, Heath Sherman is heard shouting at Bob Nelson that he could build a small metropolis in the gap of his teeth. On the next play, Sherman is left picking up his own teeth from the 27 yard line as the quarter expires.




Quarter Two

Referees sniff the pits, too

On a long 3rd and 19, Sherman gets the ball again and slides between Nelson's legs, elbowing him in the crotch on the way, and streaks for another 42 yards. Literally. His uniform was torn off him by a diving Chuck Cecil. While he goes to the sideline for a new uniform, the Packers defense wakes up again and stuffs the Philadelphia run game until there's another 3rd and long situation. Needing 20 yards, QB Eagles takes a chance and realizes he maybe should take a 3 month vacation to Vegas when he runs in for an easy touchdown.

Philadelphia leads 14-7

At their own 49 yard line after a nice return, Majkowski pulls out another trick from his book, called Nobody Ever Covers Ed West, and finds the Toolbox for a 51 yard touchdown.

Score tied 14-14

With only 30 seconds taken off the clock, QB Eagles gets the team primed for another quick score before the half.  Not long after, it's 3rd and 7, but with the Packers day-long lack of understanding that only one more stop = punt, Keith Byars snags another first down with 1:21 left on the clock. Two more plays, and Keith Byars finds himself tripped up at the Packers' 1-yard line with seconds ticking off the clock. A quick huddle doesn't help, as Bob Nelson's labradoresque hearing gets his defense to stuff Byars on the next play. On 3rd and 6 with seconds ticking away, Roger Ruzek comes in for a chip shot to give the Eagles a tight lead at halftime.

Halftime - Eagles 17, Packers 14

Quarter Three

Although Sharpe dislocated his tibia on this catch, he was
apparently able to pop it back in for any inevitable reverses

Running out to the field, Coach Infante's playbook looks to be about half the size it was going in. During the halftime show, he apparently told sideline reporters the only running play he needed was the Sharpe reverse. Starting at their own 22, a few passes to Michael Haddix and Keith Woodside get the chains moving. After a QB Eagles-channeled 12-yard run by Majkowski moves the Packers near midfield, a sterling silver pass to Sterling Sharpe gets the Packers their first lead with a 65-yard connection.

Green Bay leads 21-17

On the ensuing kickoff, Jacke picks the ball up off the tee and places it at the Eagles own 49 yard line for the next drive. On the very first play, a QB Eagles bootleg run is good for a 39 yard gain, which is respectable by QB Eagle bootleg run standards. While Byars finds the end zone two plays later, he still trails his quarterback by about 975 rushing yards.

Philadelphia leads 24-21

Must be an extra puff of Philadelphia douchbaggery in that ball

Ruzek spoils the kickoff fun by actually getting the ball across Green Bay's goal line. Charles Wilson, fresh off his political stint and Afghan troop-rousing, takes the ball out to the 13-yard line. Majkowski starts it off promising with a 20-yard laser to Haddix, but then gets greedy with the same pass to Perry Kemp getting picked off by Ben Smith.

Quarter Four
The Eagles run two quick plays to begin the quarter, but soon are staring at the looming 3rd and 2 situation ahead of them. After somehow skirting the touted Green Bay third-down defense all day, Byars somehow gets a second wind and hoofs it down to the Green Bay 14-yard line. Not waiting for Brian Noble to finish double knotting his cleats, QB Eagles squeaks his way in for his second touchdown of the day.

Philadelphia leads 31-21

He was all-tool before Tim Allen made tools cool

The Eagles stuff Green Bay at their own 10-yard line on the ensuing kickoff, and the Majik man is staring at a long field ahead of him. With the time showing just over 3 minutes remaining, he pulls his team into the huddle to construct the perfect drive that will be executed quickly and with finesse, so that there would still be plenty of time remaining to try an onside kick. The first play from scrimmage is a beautiful Sharpe reverse that, while netting Green Bay an important 25 yards, also takes nearly 45 seconds off the clock. Pleased with his cunning abilities, Majkowski dumps a 6-yard pass off to Haddix in the middle of the field. A final timeout is called by the Packers, which is just want the doctor ordered, as on the very next play the Majik man actually gets the game within three with a perfectly lobbed meatball to the wide-open and new Green Bay folk hero Ed West.

Philadelphia leads 31-28

What Green Bay was like, pre-Favre (hard to imagine)

Infante boldly calls for the onside kick, and when Jacke shoots him a confused look, Infante shouts for him to just keep doing the same thing he's been doing all game. Jacke kicks it it midfield, and who else is there to scoop it up but QB Eagles. After running plenty of time off the clock with a few bootlegs, the Eagles face 3rd and 10 with 33 seconds left. If ever there was a time for Bob Nelson to grease his mustache and bear down, it was now. Or, perhaps another time, as QB Eagles finds a wide open Keith Jackson in the end zone for the final proverbial nail in the first of many proverbial coffins of this 1991 Green Bay squad's season.

Final: Eagles 38, Packers 28

The Majik man was sizzling with his 206 yards of passing and 4 touchdowns, but it was the two interceptions that were the real deal-breakers in this shootout. That, and the Packers stunning revulsion to stopping any third down conversions from occurring (there were 7...yes, I had to count them). QB Eagles was at the top of his game--while not always hitting the open receiver, his own special set of bionic legs carried him to two rushing touchdowns. His 120 yards led a team that ran up and down and all over what appeared to be an imposter Bob Nelson-led defense. Green Bay has a lot of work to do if they want to make any noise in the NFC. Philadelphia, on the other hand, has enough noise coming out of that city with Will Smith rapping about his parents that they don't really need help from the Eagles.