Looking Ahead (and Behind): Wild Card Weekend

In a season where heroes were made about as frequently as children in Boomer Esiason's hotel room, we come to a sudden and final closure. The history books still remain un-inked, however, with 12 teams still gunning for the ultimate goal of being the best algorithmically chosen 8-bit team in this blog's entire existence. Though nobody can hit a hole in one with every swing, early season predictions certainly rang true despite how hard Browning Nagle tried to stain the carpet like a dog with an itch on its ass. We can talk about momentum all we want, but the fact of the matter is these are the six best teams from each conference, here to duke it out for the honor of defending their respective conferences in this year's Tecmo Bowl. However, we can't truly deny the fact that the Ragin' Cajun, Bobby Hebert, is playing more like a Limp Gimp lately. A few of our teams will need to regain the magic that boosted them here to begin with, while the others will hope they don't lose anymore of their magic powder along those unseen fissures in the wooden table.

As much as we'll talk about these final 12 in the next few weeks, it would be a shame to close the book without one last glance at the season that was for the remaining unlucky 14. Some of our bedridden fellows have a few fixable items on their list, while others will undergo the painful process of burning their coaches at the stake. It's not our place to determine the remedies for each team; that's their jurisdiction. However, if we had to don our tri-cornered hat and buckled shoes and rally up our pitchforks, we're pretty certain Marty Schottenheimer would have a few scorned glances cast his way.

AFC East
It's always a bit too simple sometimes to just take 5 teams and mash them all into records set on nothing but a Nate Odomes fart in the wind. And when you see your credibility falling apart mid-season, it's a bit humbling. However, these things tend to always work themselves out, especially in the game of Tecmo. We almost hit the jackpot on Dan Marino's squad (who will be running his own affair in debauchery and gambling at this year's Madison, WI Tecmo IX tournament, Marino Royale), while Buffalo came out of a midseason squalor to nab this year's Number 3-seed.

The Jets were on a 'shock-the-world' campaign in the first half of the season, keeping neck and neck with their brothers in Miami. Though Coach Bruce Coslet faced down the abyss of spending the postseason on his mother's couch again, their early success behind a staunch defense had them clutch a 6-seed with a shocking Week 17 win over the Saints.

And then there's Indianapolis and New England. We wave goodbye once again after handing out our participation awards, though the Patriots' 3-game win streak behind ROY-candidate Kevin Turner clearly shows New England on a different track than the Jeff George-led Colts, whose participation during a 10-game losing streak is still under question.

AFC Central
Houston's repeat division championship was never under question, though a few teams within the AFC Central bubbled up to the top to show the defending Tecmo Bowl Champions have a few new cracks in the pavement. The Oilers still have the honor of a first-week bye in the playoffs despite a 2-game lose out in the regular season, thanks to a Burt Grossman-sized implosion by the San Diego Chargers. They'll need the rest if they're to face a dangerous Buffalo Bills team or, as has been made clear, an even more dangerous Pittsburgh Steelers squad. Coach Bill Cowher led his rag-tag group of blue collar players through a tumultuous season, however one thing he does hold is two wins over Houston. Should they meet, they'll no doubt unleash the league's best rusher in Barry Foster on the unassuming oil fields of Houston's rush defense.

No surprises in Cincinnati; with their number one pick going towards a lackluster college quarterback in Dave Klinger, there was no doubt Boomer would struggle to keep his cleats out of his mouth. It was the team out of Cleveland, however, that forced our own stockinged feet into our gaping maws with a push to the postseason, of which they fell miraculously short in Week 17--making their 8-8 finish about as useful as the 4 wins we graciously gave them at the season's beginning.

AFC West
Oh AFC West, AFC West, how we loathe thee, AFC West. We wanted to find reasons to love you, and unfortunately you gave nary a one. Chargers, yeah, you finished on top of this motley crew of individuals, though throwing away a first round bye by losing 4 of your last 5 can't convince us you'd fare any better than your other bumbling brutes you call division mates.

Don't think we're leaving you out of this, Los Angeles. Usually, your lack of devotion to your craft and just overall lethargy keeps us from caring about the route you take to .500 by season's end. But when you start playing with the emotions of your fans, as guarded as they may be behind their black and silver cages, we can no longer stand idly by. With a chance for a postseason you never rightfully deserved on the line, you neither attempt to win or take grace in defeat. Instead, you tie your Week 17 game, proving once again that your team's existence is not a privilege but a right. A right that needs to be revoked.

Thanks again for playing, you other three. We won't dignify you with your names, but we're still obligated to give you your t-shirts. Now go.


NFC East
Not to brag, but Nostradamus' relative does work here, and he does a damn fine job with our IT infrastructure if we say so ourselves. He's also good for picking arbitrary playoff teams weeks in advance, and with the NFC East he couldn't have come closer. Of course, his eccentric way of selecting based on 'pretty colors' may differ from his famous great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandpa, but in this instance it worked. Randall Cunningham's pretty tosses and fast legs put his experienced team, also led by a monster defense, atop this division, followed right at the heels by a young yet hungry Dallas team. Despite the finish, we put Dallas in the Tecmo Bowl, and though they finished with a weaker seed than we anticipated, we're still believers in their potent offense and a little backup plan entitled "The Steve Beuerlein Project".

The Redskins returned with much of the same cast of characters they sent out in last year's Tecmo Bowl, but with the rise of the Cowboys and Philadelphia's resurgence, they were left without much more than a woeful smile and nice-job pats on the asses. New York's fall from grace under the weight of one man's facial hair was heavily documented, while Phoenix shocked the world by doubling the amount of wins we predicted with a successful 4-12 campaign.

NFC Central
In a league filled with turbulence, the Vikings stood as the one team to lead their division throughout the entire season. Unfortunately, their Week 17 comeuppance also left them licking their wounds when they were the odd team out in a 4-team race for the 3 Wild Card spots. Hot on the heels of a 2-game win streak, along with winning 5 of their last 6, the Bears usurped the division for the crown in the last week of the season. After blowouts put them out of the point differential race, Chicago realized they'd have to tear their way into the postseason based on wins alone, and now enter as perhaps the hottest team in the NFC.

Green Bay, the main instigators of the power shift in the Central with their upset of Minnesota, enter the offseason a bit disappointed with their fortunes after a promising start, though shades of brilliance from new coach Mike Holmgren and Brett Favre have the cheeseheads wearing shades.

Tampa Bay and Detroit. We could find a few things more interesting to talk about than these two teams, but then we wouldn't be doing our jobs. Maybe instead you'll still accept this tribute video to Vinny Testaverde?


NFC West
Tales will be told of this division by the aging players to their grandchildren, as 75% of the teams will be attending the postseason. The NFC West was up for grabs the entire season, with Atlanta hitting the gas pedal around the last turn to take it in the end. Our hopes were low for the Dirty Birds entering the season, however they now take a 2-seed in the NFC and earn a much-deserved week off.

Meanwhile, the Saints, poised to take the division in the early games, sputtered and now find themselves dangerously below 'E' on their gauge, falling from their own assured bye-week in the playoffs and hardly snatching a Number 5-seed. They'll meet a 49ers team that, though they underachieved, come into the postseason as hot as ever. San Francisco had their life support cable nearly frayed before Week 16 after some humbling losses, but their formulaic win alongside some help in losses from the Saints and Minnesota put them back in their perennial postseason spot, one that they'll enjoy marinating in.

Los Angeles put up more of a fight than we thought, giving a good case to including the entire West in the playoffs with sound defeats of their division. They didn't repeat their Cinderella season, though we're sure to see photos emerge of Tim Lester in glass slippers during the offseason.


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So there you have it. We've done the time, and now it's finally our chance to take part in our just deserts. Another season has come and gone, and for those of you who slept through the fall, it's time to wake up, put on that ill-fitting jersey, grab your chewed up foam finger and push for your favorite team. Whether they're a sexy underdog or an odds-on-favorite, there's sure to be no deficit in drama with teams like the Jets and Bears involved.

Tune in tomorrow for a quadruple header of nonstop, gluttonous football action. Will the 49ers win their third game in a row over the suddenly muzzled Saints? Will Dallas get their revenge on the Bears just a week after getting mauled by a sharp-toothed Jim Harbaugh? While we all hope for one team out of the Jets-Chargers to snap out of their hibernation, there's sure to be fireworks when Pittsburgh and Buffalo meet and two of the top backs in the league collide. If you're not excited for some Wild Card Tecmo action, you'd better check your pulse and hope that the brain-eating instinct hasn't kicked in yet. You're only bound to go hungry around here if it has.

Week Seventeen: In Like a Boomer, Out Like a Bear

There have been brighter days for some of the teams on today's schedule, as this marks their final day in existence (at least in the blogging realm). We know who's in already, though that doesn't make our slate of games any less exciting. There's no way of knowing until the dust has settled who's playing where or against whom and, in the NFC anyway, none of the divisions have even been cinched up. Philadelphia and Atlanta control their own destinies, whereas Minnesota could find themselves singing the Ray Berry Blues if they can't tow the line in the Central. But we've all been around this mulberry bush before. Let's chase out the Esiason weasel and get down to Week 17!

 

1:00 Games

San Diego (10-5) * Seattle (4-11)

Nate Lewis returns in time for this playoff warm-up against the Seahawks, though the Chargers looked more like an AFC West division mid-dweller with Stan Humphries unable to out-throw Stan Gelbaugh's 119 yards. His 3 interceptions to Gelbaugh's 0 actually put his net total somewhere south of the century mark, and the Chargers stumble from a sure playoff bye-week to a possible 3-seed with their fourth loss in five games to end the season. Bob Gagliano's parents are already on the phone with San Diego's GM.

Final Score: Seahawks 24, Chargers 7

Indianapolis (4-11) * Cincinnati (6-9)

The merciless final year of the Boomer Esiason regime comes to a defiant, shoulder-shrugging end as the towhead tosses in the towel early. Esiason's final stat line as a Bengal reads 27% with just 62 yards and an interception. Jeff George, another quarterback with an itchy jock, padded his resume for teams on the prowl with an 81% completion rating and 219 yards throwing. Suddenly, Cincinnati appeared every bit ready to challenge the Colts' ten-game losing streak this season before being rudely interrupted by its scheduled end.

Final Score: Colts 28, Bengals 14

Kansas City (4-11) * Denver (6-9)

Dave Krieg apparently heard about some open auditions going on and wound up crossing the 300-yard mark for the first time this season. And when he heard it was for the beloved Kansas City acting troupe, the Serendipity Players, he made lemonade out of the lemons he was accustomed to throwing all season and gracefully bowed out. The decision was made slightly easier when, despite his big day on the field, the Chiefs still lost to the punchless Broncos by ten points. 

Final Score: Broncos 31, Chiefs 21

L.A. Raiders (7-8) * Washington (8-7)

In a season that saw as many tie/near-tie games as it did cheerleader panty shots, there was no better way for the Cinderella Raiders to see their season end than in a tie game with the already-deposed Redskins. Mark Rypien threw hard enough to end it early with 293 yards passing, however it appeared Washington was more content in letting the Raiders implode by themselves. Why choose to go out of playoff contention on the last week of the season in a hail of gunfire, when you can go out napping on the couch with a bag of stale Cheetohs in your crotch?

Final Score: Raiders 14, Redskins 14

Minnesota (10-5) * Green Bay (4-11)

The Packers appeared to have thrown every game this season just for this moment; a chance to sneak up and slice the jugular of Rich Gannon and Co. A dominating loss for the Vikings, who have led the NFC Central since week one, suddenly put them on the precipice of going home early to catch their wives with the poolboys should Chicago pull out an improbable win against Dallas later. Brett Favre put on one of his rare yet dazzling flawless performances of 283 yards and no picks to lay the final rotten egg on an already rotten second half for the Purple Poutine-Eaters.

Final Score: Packers 28, Vikings 14

Tampa Bay (6-9) * Phoenix (3-12)

A week off of nearly cancelling San Francisco's plane to the playoff tickets, Tampa Bay lays a stinker and loses to the worst team in football. Whether it was a legitimate underestimation or simply the Buccaneers' front office hoping to draft high on yet another overrated wide receiver, Tampa Bay ended another disappointing season unnoticed by most. Fortunately, this allowed Vinny Testaverde to get away with not realizing his helmet was on backwards for most of the game.

Final Score: Cardinals 24, Buccaneers 14

Miami (11-3-1) * New England (5-10)

When the Dolphins took a big lead early and late-season ROY candidate Kevin Turner went down for New England, Dan Marino promptly took his seat on Coach Shula's lap to watch the Dolphins give up 14 points in the 4th quarter. New England wins their third game in a row to end the 1992 season, overcoming the crowned AFC East champions in the process, though its significance is about as important as Hugh Millen's appearance at Roosevelt High's 10-year high school reunion.

Final Score: Patriots 28, Dolphins 24

Houston (10-5) * Buffalo (10-5)

A possible playoff preview and replay of last year's AFC Championship didn't disappoint, though this time Buffalo took the spoils to enter the playoffs as the conference's hottest team with a 7-game winning streak. Though Houston already had their division wrapped up, they still had a chance to clinch a bye with a win. Fortunately, Stan Humphries's mystery of which bed he woke up in proved more puzzling than Warren Moon's, and the Oilers back into the bye with their own streak of two losses.

Final Score: Bills 21, Oilers 14

4:00 Games

New Orleans (10-5) * N.Y. Jets (7-7-1)

A tie game for the Jets may not have given them any clear advantage heading towards the end of the season, but it gave the rest of us the advantage of not having to work a calculator by drawing a line in the proverbial playoff sand: win and in, lose and out. And just when it appeared we were close to seeing the end of the clinically-indefinable season for the Jets, Browning Nagle pulled together one of his wholly underwhelming yet somehow effective performances to catch the reeling Saints on their heels. The game was a microcosm of New Orleans' season, with a quick strike to start the game, including a huge Morten Anderson 60-yard cannonball launch before the end of the half, followed by a second half of fumbles, interceptions, and a botched chip shot by the very same Anderson. The implosion opened the door for Cary Blanchard to triple his field goal count for the season, kicking 3 in the second half, including a doubtless game-winner, to give the Jets an improbable and somewhat undeserved chance to redeem their own disappointing second half of the season with a postseason berth.

The Jets not only put the loser of the simultaneous PIT/CLE game out to pasture, but also opened the backdoor for the Atlanta Falcons to sneak through to a division championship, capping an exciting race with a Georgia peach-sized thud.

Final Score: Jets 16, Saints 13

L.A. Rams (8-7) * Atlanta (11-4)

Despite scoreboard-watching telling the story of Atlanta's victory over the torrid NFC West, they still put on a solid performance to deliver upon themselves a first-round bye and keep the Rams from staying above .500, which would have been a respectable feat considering their depressing dethronement midway through the season. Chris Miller put up a strong performance of 282 passing yards with 72% completed passes, designating the Falcons as the NFC's dark horse despite finishing in the Top 2 of the conference.

Final Score: Falcons 28, Rams 21

Pittsburgh (8-7) * Cleveland (8-7)

Though Cleveland fans never expected their team to be fighting for a Wild Card spot in Week 17, the Browns and their somehow fitting 'streaky' season kept them in the race until about 3 minutes into the first quarter. Whether it was the pressure of the situation or the fact that Pittsburgh had mountains more talent in every aspect of the game, Cleveland choked harder than LG Dan Fike at the Sunday morning buffet. The Steelers, knowing that their own promising season was threatened with the Jets taking charge against New Orleans, came alive behind multiple Barry Foster sprints and a defense that, when they weren't feasting on Mike Tomczak's mush-brain, were intercepting his desperation passes. After a sure-thing turned into a probably-not with a 2-game losing streak going into Week 17, Pittsburgh earned their berth with a powerful shellacking and also reviving the all-important fear factor for their first postseason opponent.

With Thurman Thomas still out, Barry Foster's 108-yard performance gave him a 56-yard lead in the rushing champion category that will surely give him MVP honors, no matter where the Steelers end up in four weeks. And if you thought 'fishing for endorsement deals', you may not be far off.

Final Score: Steelers 35, Browns 7

San Francisco (9-6) * Detroit (4-11)

Left for dead and without an answer just a week ago, the 49ers pulled out a classic performance over the kitty cats of Detroit to give them just enough point differential for a wild card spot and making the NFC Central a winner-take-all scenario. Though Barry Sanders tried to make up for another sub-50 yard rushing performance with some yards in the air, nothing will overshadow perhaps the worst year of his career. Meanwhile, Steve Young kept Montananite head-hunters at bay for one more week with 305 yards and 83% of his passes completed.

Final Score: 49ers 35, Lions 10

Dallas (10-5) * Chicago (10-5)

Though Dallas was already certified a playoff contender with the Minnesota loss, they let a shot at the NFC East title slip through against Chicago, whose noses perked up even more at the taste of Viking blood in the water. Led by Jim Harbaugh's effective arm and the balanced attack of Neal Anderson and Brad Muster, Chicago knew a loss spelled the end of their improbable postseason run due to early-season blowout losses. And after sixteen weeks of looking up at Randall McDaniel's ass, the Bears took care of their own blowout. Though it was Chicago's offense that rolled down the field, it was their wakened defense that bloodied and scarred Troy Aikman early and also denied Emmitt Smith the 56 yards he needed to surpass Barry Foster as this season's rushing champion. The Cowboys closed in on Chicago just before the half with their own impressive defensive effort that saw Jim Jeffcoat's labored fumble recovery for a touchdown, yet it was Chicago who, despite being 2 games out with just 3 to go, restored the grizzle to Coach Ditka and has the Bears in as a 6-seed.

The Dallas loss not only cleared the way for the foretold Philadelphia championship, but it also cemented a certain rematch with Chicago in the first round of the playoffs. For revenge to be effective, it must surely be swift.

Final Score: Bears 40, Cowboys 21

Philadelphia (11-4) * N.Y. Giants (5-10)

An NFC East Championship already delivered to them midway through the third quarter, the Eagles still never lost sight at what was at stake. A win over the embarrassment that is the New York Football Giants gives Philadelphia the number one seed in the NFC playoffs, giving Randall Cunningham a chance to rest his weary legs that saw him finishing amongst the Top 20 rushers in the NFL. Jeff Hostetler, meanwhile, will have little chance to rest his weary mustache before inevitably entering into the gay porn industry for a paycheck next year, otherwise known as Raiders Training Camp. 

Final Score: Eagles 24, Giants 20

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Just a few short hours ago, we were ready to scratch our final contenders into the engraving that was the 1992 Tecmo Bowl Playoffs. Had we done that, we'd certainly be scouring the mines for new malleable metal as, once again, the Tecmo gods had their way with us. Though Atlanta and Philadelphia came in leading their respective divisions, we had no reason to not believe the Saints and Cowboys couldn't collect on what was owed them, losing to vastly inferior teams that suddenly see their names immortalized on postseason parchment. And, only in Tecmo would we see a team that led every week of the season not only be deposed of a division title, but miss the playoffs altogether thanks to wonky scheduling and the infamous 'point differential tiebreaker'. And now, because our own wonky schedule brought these games to you mid-week, we're not sure if any of us will be ready for this unlikely playoff schedule to hit us. Nonetheless, ready we must be as Wild Card Weekend waits for no man! Unless that man wakes up with a wicked hangover Saturday morning and won't even think about looking at a computer monitor.