Looking Ahead: Week Seven

We're rolling right along into Week 7 on nearly a full schedule. The Jets and Bills sit out this one, so that they can both mentally and physically prepare for their Week 8 showdown, and allow time for Thurman Thomas to find his helmet. While we'll miss their effervescent presence, we still have a slew of intriguing games that are sure to shake up the order of Mount Tecmo Olympus. It's mid-October football, people, which means it's time for a few teams to get serious. We're looking at you, Jim Jeffcoat.

The early games consist of a few NFC East teams all pushing for some separation in their hotly-contested division. As Dallas draws a doozy with Kansas City, the Redskins and Eagles will collide in an East Coast donnybrook, with the class of last year trying to defend its honor against Renaissance Man Randall and his flock of Eagles. The Giants will also hope to clog up the cogs in the right coast division by squeezing another win against a free-falling Rams team. On the AFC side, the Chargers return from their bye to encounter the listless Colts, losers of 3 straight. Miami gets the chance to jump into a first-place tie with the Jets, who are off, by beating on their little brothers in New England, and the Raiders look to keep nipping at San Diego's heels when they clash with the Seahawks, who finally learned the fun of winning just last week.

Other early games include a meaningless inter-conference affair between Cleveland and Green Bay, and a very meaningful intra-divisional battle when Cincinnati and Pittsburgh meet. Should the Bengals win, they will have a chance to right the ship going into next week's marquee matchup against the Oilers. However, if Neil O'Donnell walks away with a win on Sunday, then the Steelers could show signs of a huge second-half comeback. This game will most likely be won on the ground, and if Pittsburgh's coach Cowher has learned anything in his rookie season, it's his need to Foster the people with some Barry.

The world will be watching the later games, with Houston going for its fourth straight win against the rising herd in Denver, winners of two straight, and Bobby Hebert trying to stay on pace for some record-breaking against a league-worst Phoenix defense. It's the last two games of the evening that will be pulling in the most attention, with Minnesota and San Francisco, the last two undefeated teams, trying to stay perfect. The Vikings get the upper hand in that race, drawing a Detroit team that they've manhandled over the last few seasons. The 49ers, meanwhile, will get Atlanta. This ain't your mother's Falcons' team, however, having won convincingly 5 of their 6 games, while staying close with the Saints. They'll pose the toughest challenge for the gold-diggers in San Francisco, as their top passing defense looks to quiet the MVP mumbles around Steve Young for the time being.

Then comes Monday night, and who else would be featured but Chicago and Tampa Bay? Two of the most mediocre mid-level participants in this 1992 Tecmo season will beat each other up to define who is ready to play with the big boys. While most of the early playoff talk surrounds the NFC West, one of these teams could rise to the occasion to draw a wild card come season's end. And if they're to do it, the time is now. The Buccaneers have been the most surprising of the two, winning convincing games against tough opponents, and hanging with the tougher ones. Chicago has been blown out in three separate incidents. While we don't think Testaverde's Tampa Bay team has the weapons to send the Bears' whimpering back to their caves to hibernate a few months early, this should be a close, hard-fought contest worthy of my viewing while sitting at my computer desk and playing sudoku on my phone.

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AFC 

  NFC

Byes: New York Jets, Buffalo Bills

Monday Night Football: Washington vs. Denver

Like a fine aged cheese, John Elway stinks the longer you leave him out. So far, the captain of the Broncos has led his team to one win in five tries, not something any true blue Orange Crush fan club member can be happy with. Denver appears to have turned it around last week with Elway's first non-interception game against a hapless Chiefs team. Nonetheless, a win is a win, and they're hoping the momentum carries over to a tough encounter with the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football. The Redskins are coming in hot off a win themselves, beating on the lowly Cardinals after slumping for two games. Tonight will feature two quarterbacks looking for relevance again, one a weathered and worn soul named Mark Rypien, and the other being the suave and stylish John Elway. And though we like to poke fun at Rypien's immobility compared to Elway's runaway-train type speed, he at least has the composure not to look his age while posing in a pair of chest-high gym shorts. Let's head out to the field, shall we?

Quarter One
The able-bodied Brian Mitchell finds a home at the Washington 43-yard line to start out the game. From there, the Broncos defense, usually a remarkable example of ineptitude, washes over the Redskins' offensive line to form a nice Earnest Byner schmeer. Washington runs the popular yet unorthodox Byner-fumble-to-Gary-Clark play that nets the usual 49 yards to the Denver 13-yard line. Two plays later and only 4 yards the wiser, Rypien drops back and chucks it over to the 2-yard line where former first-round pick Dennis Smith is waiting in the wings for an interception.

The Broncos get a bit cute on their first play with a Mark Jackson reverse that is almost wiped out by a safety. At the 1-yard line and facing a long field, Reggie Rivers runs up the middle for an important 2 yard gain. On 3rd-and-9, Rivers finds himself dangling at the edge of danger when he's taken down back at the 1-yard line. Mike Horan is out to kick a ball.

Mark Rypien is reminded of what he was trying to do on the last drive, and lines a streaker into the waiting arms of Gary Clark along the sidelines for a quick score.

Washington leads 7-0
 
The Arthur Marshall fan club's favorite person returns a kick to the Denver 32-yard line to start of the next Broncos drive. The almighty Gaston Green picks up nearly 7 whole yards around the right side, but his football playing encounter is short-lived when the Reggie Rivers show picks back up. Two straight plays lead to a net of 0 yards, though one of them was a 4-yard first down run. Despite the amount of learning being done at this rushing clinic, John Elway takes charge on the next play and scampers all the way to the Washington 16-yard line to close out the first quarter of play.

Quarter Two
Elway runs another 10 yards like a teenage boy when his girlfriend's parents get home early, but the 4-yard Jackson reverse for a touchdown is what finally gets Coach Gibbs to pull out the shotgun.

Score tied 7-7

The Redskins begin their next drive at the 26-yard line, but the acquaintance is short-lived when Jeff Mills back-body-drops Rypien to the 16. On the next play, with all receivers open and shooting off signal flares, Rypien heaves up a pass that is blocked at the line of scrimmage. Mike Croel brings the drive to a sudden and sympathetic close with another bone-crushing sack of the stone-shoed Rypied.

After Marshall's punt return puts them at their own 43, Gaston Green is given the ball. He chalks up another successful positive-yardage run to the Washington 45. Two plays later, Elway mistakenly throws a pass to one of his own receivers, and Shannon Sharpe does his job in making the 45-yard catch-and-run look easy.

Denver leads 14-7

With the clock ticking at their own 29-yard line, the pride and joy of Abilene, Texas, Terry Orr, picks up a hefty 22 yards with a catch in the flat. Under a minute left, Byner is handed the ball and forgets to fumble it 19 yards later. Ricky Sanders is the target of Rypien's next pass, but when he's brought down at the Denver 8-yard line with just 10 seconds left, the Chip Lohmiller crew is sent out to clean up the mess.

Denver leads 14-10

Halftime: Broncos 14, Redskins 10

Quarter Three
When Marshall fumbles the opening kickoff, Keith Kartz seizes the opportunity to show off his cool maximum speed rating by hustling it out to the 29-yard line. A perfectly-timed Jackson reverse racks up another 13 yards, followed up by a stellar 15-yard jaunt from Gaston Green. Rivers tries to sneak back into the party, but the Redskins' hold him up for just 4 yards. Elway comes out in shotgun formation, but takes the smarter route by zig-zagging through the tripped up Redskins' defense for 23 of the 24 yards needed to score. Rivers picks up the touchdown two plays later as a reward for his hard work, though he was quoted after the game stating he'd have settled for a cookie or gold star on his locker.

Denver leads 21-10

Mitchell is on the receiving end of a booming David Treadwell kick in the end zone, and can only find his way out to the 7-yard line. The following are the Cliffs Notes version of the drive: Earnest Byner runs three times for 4 yards. Punt.

Marshall is burned good on the Goodburn punt at his own 42-yard line, where the Redskins defense digs in their heels to shut down the Broncos on the last two plays leading into the fourth quarter.

Quarter Four
Rivers comes out for an encore performance, but his famous 5-yard run isn't quite enough for the first down and Horan is out to punt the ball into the womb of a virginal Pamela Tebow.

Rypien goes to Clark on the first play from scrimmage, picking up a quick 26 yards. The follow-up passes to Sanders and Clark are smartly batted away by the wisened up Broncos' secondary, leading to a 3rd down play that sees Rypien get attacked by the Jeff Mills tickle-monster. Clark comes through on 4th-and-20, however, with a catch at the Denver 27-yard line that livens up the crowd. Popular John Muir High School alum Ricky Ervins can't drag down a Rypien pass in the end zone, and the next two plays are throwaways in the face of a riled up Denver blitz. On 4th-and-10, Rypien picks his poison with Sanders, and is nearly  picked again by Dennis "Swanson" Smith.

Denver, seeing about a minute left on the clock, decides it's now or never for another Jackson reverse. On second down after a loss of one, Elway drops back but finds Andre Collins trying to impregnate him just a few short seconds later. On third down and with just seconds left to go, Elway is once again honored by the presence of Collins when he refuses to kneel and is rewarded for his insolence by having his spine ripped out from his brain to end the game on a somewhat bittersweet note.

Final: Broncos 21, Redskins 10



As predicted, it was a pretty underwhelming performance from both teams, with Denver winning due to being the only team to remember to come back out of the locker room after halftime. Elway was less-than-effective through the air, connecting on only 25% of his passes, but his ground game led a team of underachievers, promoting shades of a 2012 offensive scheme twenty years too early. Rypien was hardly any better with his arm, but his inability to make up for his own rushing corps' woes left his team in a pile of Denver dust. The Broncos leave with the all-important second win to continue their winning roll, though it came at the cost of Elway's bones littering the field as the final seconds of the clock ticked away. It'll be a short week for the buckin' Broncos of Denver, which means future XFL MVP Tommy Maddox might want to start warming up a day early if he's to be in shape for any Million Dollar Championships.

Week Six: Here We Go, Woof Woof!

This sixth week of the Tecmo Bowl season contains the fewest games thus far, but they're still packed with playoff implications and chances for a few teams to either gain momentum or carry it over. If you're in the mood for exciting action and unpredictable plays, you'll be happy to know that the entire NFC West is in action this week. Should you be a fan of underdogs making a statement in the middle of the season, you may have a chance for some surprises as well. And if you're a rubbernecker who likes taking pleasure in seeing emaciated dogs get whipped with spiked chains, Cleveland and Pittsburgh have a game against each other.

1:00 Games

New Orleans (4-1) * L.A. Rams (2-3)

The Saints continue to roll behind an accurate Bobby Hebert and his 264 passing yards and Eric Martin's ability to shed defenders with his baby-oiled skin, racking up 114 receiving yards of his own. The Rams appeared lost all game, with Everett suffering a 27% completion rating and 3 picks. They couldn't get going on the ground with Cleveland Gary's promising start plagued by fumblitis and an actual plague, as he was one of three Rams injured. L.A.'s invitation to the NFC West party is revoked yet again.

Final Score: Saints 31, Rams 7

San Francisco (5-0) * New England (1-3)

The 49ers remain unreachable with another win, this one a walkabout on the Patriots out of the New England territory. Hugh Millen continues to hurtle into the abyss that is the average New Englander's brain cavity, throwing just 165 yards with an interception. While his counterparts continue to shock the league, Steve Young is making a quiet case for early-season MVP. We're expecting a Dateline episode on Hebert's attempts to hire an undercover hitman to hit the airwaves in the next few weeks.

Final Score: 49ers 35, Patriots 13

Buffalo (3-2) * L.A. Raiders (3-2)

It was one of those overtime games you just knew the Bills would pull out, more than likely with a Jamie Mueller burst up the middle for a quick six. Unfortunately for Buffalo, Mueller changed his name to Carwell Gardner and sucks at running. On the rushing subject, it was perhaps the most anticipated match-up of the day with 1-2 rushers Thurman Thomas and Eric Dickerson squaring off. Thomas won the day, tricking the Raiders defense with 102 yards on 10 carries, but the ultimate winner was Jay Schroeder. Tricking Jim Kelly into an obvious Freaky Friday situation, Schroeder threw for 80% and 239 yards to Kelly's 85 yards and 2 picks. We always knew Schroeder and Lindsay Lohan had more in common than just their looks.

Final Score: Raiders 30, Bills 24 (OT)

Cleveland (1-3) * Pittsburgh (1-3)

The Pittsburgh comeback train made a stop in Cleveland and was promptly hijacked by a group of very hungry bulldogs. The Browns feasted on Neil, sacking him multiple times and limiting him to just 115 yards and a few picks. Mike Tomczak could afford the luxury of being entirely useless, with the Browns rushing 24 times for 198 yards, half of those coming from Kevin Mack. Left reeling from the onslaught of rushes, the Pittsburgh defense couldn't keep up, and now the Steelers' train appears to have been rerouted to a railroad bridge that Bubby Brister covered with thermite.

Final Score: Browns 17, Steelers 14

Kansas City (1-4) * Philadelphia (2-2)

Barry Word and Herschel Walker return to the game to set up the day's second-most anticipated rushing match-up, but it ended up being a Kimble Anders and Randall Cunningham show, each leading their respective teams in all-purpose yards. It was the team from Philadelphia that won the day to get back into their division's race behind Cunningham's accurate passing and their ability to have a team led by Dave Krieg be their opponent for the week. The Krieg experiment faces yet another setback with his abhorrent 77 passing yards and 3 interceptions.

Final Score: Eagles 28, Chiefs 17

Indianapolis (2-2) * New York Jets (3-2)

The Colts are handily handed their third loss in a row, this time against a divisional rival on the rise. Despite losing Blair Thomas to an injury in the first quarter, the Jets ground game literally didn't miss a step behind Freeman McNeil's 81 yards on 5 carries. This left the league's leading rusher, Brad Baxter, open to catch 89 of quarterback Browning Nagle's career-high 242 yards passing. The Jets are coasting on autopilot through the AFC West, leaving the Colts to continue nosediving with a couple of gremlins named Jeff George and Rodney Culver.

Final Score: Jets 28, Colts 14

4:00 Games

Miami (3-1) * Atlanta (4-1)

After watching the Jets take the win to move up, the Dolphins took the field against the league's hottest team in Atlanta. It was another classic showdown between quarterbacks Chris Miller and Dan Marino, as they combined for 555 yards, mostly throwing to their stars in Mark Duper and Andre Rison. The Falcons edged out the Dolphins by playing the touchdown to field goal game, putting the rest of their division on notice by both defeating a quality team and by withholding food from a rabid Ken Tippins.

Final Score: Falcons 24, Dolphins 20

New York Giants (1-3) * Phoenix (0-4)

The Cardinals played a tight game with the Giants, but fell once again due to their inexperience and the fact that Chris Chandler can't even outplay Jeff Hostetler's 81 passing yards with 2 interceptions, throwing just 76 of his own with a pick. Johnny Bailey tried his best to keep his team in the game for an improbable win with 86 yards rushing, but the Cardinals fell victim to a hungry Giants team readying themselves to strike in a division that no team wants to admit to winning.

Final Score: Giants 17, Cardinals 10

Dallas (3-1) * Seattle (0-5)

Appearing to be comforted by a Phoenix loss, the Cowboys laid down to the winless Seahawks, giving them their first win in a very flat victory where Stan Gelbaugh outthrew Troy Aikman 204 yards to 59. Emmitt Smith didn't get the memo at first, running over the tough Seahawks rush defense for 91 yards on just 6 attempts, but once the message went over neither team decided to score in the second half. The Seahawks somehow squeak into not-worst team in the AFC West for now, though there are still eleven full weeks for them to find themselves again.

Final Score: Seahawks 28, Cowboys 21

Houston (2-2) * Cincinnati (3-1)

The Oilers win game one of their two game series over the next three weeks, with this contest offering up enough excitement to warrant a return game. Boomer Esiason's effective performance wasn't enough to match up to a possessed Warren Moon of late, though it may have been the surprisingly stout Oilers' defense that limited Derrick Fenner to just 51 yards on 10 attempts that put Houston in a first-place tie. After losing their first two games, the Oilers are primed to run the table the rest of the season. The only one who appears surprised by this is my dog, who also happens to be the biggest Eric Ball fan in the entire household.

Final Score: Oilers 21, Bengals 17

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After winning just their first game a week ago, the Denver Broncos appear on the national stage to meet up against the Washington Redskins. These Redskins are definitely not the same team as last year's NFC Champions, and this couldn't be made more obvious than by the encumbered playing style of Mark Rypien. As we've mentioned literally thousands of times, the Redskins have perhaps one of the greatest tandem of receivers in the game, but with Rypien's inability to throw out of the pocket their time may be better spent lobbying at the nation's capitol for a new quarterback. The man in charge in Denver, John Elway, has also been playing like a newly-castrated dog, throwing more interceptions so far this season than touchdowns. The difference in these two men appears to be in their legs, with Elway's able to carry him somewhere promising while Rypien's being able to bend sometime just after midway in the second quarter of each game. It's an important mid-season game for both teams that reside in winnable divisions, though we think this one's going to the team that's got a nose tackle who takes pleasure in crippling kittens if they look at him the wrong way.