Looking Ahead: Week Six

Week Six: aka The NFC West Side Story. A combined record of 15-5 coming into the sixth week, with three of those losses attributed to the Rams of Los Angeles, this division has clearly taken notice of the rest of the Tecmo Bowl. San Francisco remains one of only two undefeated teams, with the other, Minnesota, being off this week with the rest of their division. New Orleans and Atlanta have each only lost once, leaving the Rams to struggle to stay afloat. With all four teams in action this weekend, there are sure to be a few bloody casualties left in their wake, though perhaps they've raised some eyebrows and neck hairs around the league amongst teams ready to make a statement. As we mentioned, the NFC Central is off (joined by the 4-1 Chargers) so that should leave those of you salivating for bloody massacre pitching the proverbial Tecmo tent.

The first two games feature three of the four teams out of the Wild Wild West of the NFC. Bobby Hebert will more than likely have his choice of sides when he makes a buffet of the Rams' secondary, while Steve Young and his 49ers should manage to stay one step ahead of the pesky Saints by putting New England through their Frisco burger meat grinder. Back in the AFC, Eric Dickerson's Jekyll will continue to battle the ugly beast that is Jay Schroeder's Hyde as the bipolar Raiders attempt to take advantage of the immensely flawed Buffalo Bills.

The other early games will feature the Cleveland Browns and Pittsburgh Steelers returning to action from their bye. Both sit at 1-3, but we really only give one of these teams a chance at turning their season around. If the Steelers can't do it here, with their stout defense and weapons in Barry Foster and Neil O'Donnell, then it may just be time to put a bullet in their head. Philadelphia picks a decent-sized straw with the Kansas City Chiefs on the docket, giving them a chance to hit restart on their thus-far disappointing season.

The early games are rounded off by a somewhat intriguing AFC East showdown between the Colts and Jets. Both are headed in quite opposite directions, with the Colts' time running out to get back into the winner's circle. And as luck would have it, they'll meet their irritating siblings in the New York Jets. The Jets enter Week Six leading the league in rushing offense with the ever-popular Brad Baxter and Blair Thomas tandem hitching the rest of the team, including rookie quarterback Browning Nagle, to their star to try and keep pace with the Dolphins and Bills. Baxter himself ranks behind only Eric Dickerson and Thurman Thomas in yardage. Though it's hard to see him keep that pace, it's always nice hear someone named 'Brad' doing something positive, instead of hitting on underage girls or starring in Canadian soap operas.

The later games begin with a slobberknocker between two playoff-destined teams in Miami and Atlanta. Both teams only have one loss each, but at this point in the season it appears the Falcons will need to be the ones to keep it that way. Dan Marino appears to be losing his touch, and now that he's up against a pretty dominating defensive front there's a good chance he'll lose feeling in other places as well. The Giants will continue to lay some bricks in the hole they're sitting in against the winless Cardinals, even though Dallas will be busy making widows out of the wives of an equally winless Seattle team. Sunday night closes with division-leading Cincinnati attempting to hold on to their crown against a surging Oilers team out of Houston. The Bengals have a very heavy task of flipping the momentum that Houston has found, just as their own was turned around before the bye with a thumping on behalf of Minnesota.

The short schedule will close out on Monday night with an inter-conference showdown between Washington and Denver. It's yet another meeting of playoff teams from a year ago struggling to repeat their success. The worn down Mark Rypien has had all sorts of trouble finding the receivers his coaches and GM have presented to him, though he's been a paragon of talent compared to the downright ugly John Elway. Elway finally helped his Broncos get their first win just last week, though there's still lots of work to do on the other side of the ball. The last place defense of Denver may just be what the doctor ordered for the 27th-ranked Washington offense, though with a match-up that ugly it won't be surprising if doctor's office visits don't rise through Tuesday morning.

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AFC 

NFC

Byes: San Diego Chargers, Minnesota Vikings, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Green Bay Packers, Chicago Bears, Detroit Lions

Monday Night Football: Atlanta vs. Green Bay

There was a time when the smile of most Mississippi boys could make any woman's heart melt. While today most of that innocence is lost, back in 1992 the youthful smile of one southern boy was transported up to the frigid, white north of America's armpit, a "bay" in Wisconsin. Luckily for the Packers, it's been the jumpstart they've needed after years of wallowing in Majkowski mediocrity. As for the Falcons of Atlanta, well, they haven't had time to miss the youthful exuberance of Brett Favre with Chris Miller lighting up the scoreboard and 'Neon' Deion Sanders staring the halter tops off of the opposite sex. These two teams have been on a collision course for a while, now let's examine the wreckage.

Quarter One
Robert Brooks kicks things off for the greenest of bays in America with a return from inside the Packers' end zone out to the 27-yard line. One play later, and the usually workman-like Vince Workman is dodging Atlanta would-be tacklers for 73 yards and his first rushing touchdown of the season.

Green Bay leads 7-0

The man they call Tony Smith, acquired in the trade for Favre from the Packers, goes on a popcorn parade through the Green Bay special teams unit before finally getting dragged down by all eleven Packers, a few coaches and three of Wisconsin's finest heifers. Steve Broussard returns to respectable fanfare, but loses 3 yards on his first carry back from his highly-publicized hangnail injury. Chris Miller, coming into the game only behind Hugh "Benchmark" Millen in passer rating, shows off his precise arm with a 20-yard overthrow of Andre Rison along the sidelines. On 3rd-and-13, he misfires towards Mike Pritchard, and Scott Fulhage is called on to fail in impressing his overly-critical father.

After just a net punt of 24 or so yards, Brett Favre goes to work with a play action to Harry Sydney for 22 positive yards. After a pitch to Sydney accumulates no further yardage, Favre goes back to play action. Scanning the scene for a receiver tonight, he tucks the ball in and looks for a fight. Able to scramble for 12 yards and another first down, the Packers close out the first quarter with the popular 18-yard Favre-to-Jackie Harris connection that's become all the rage with the impressionable youth of today.

Quarter Two
From the Atlanta 4-yard line, Harry Sydney gets a mouthful of Mike Gann and loses an entire yard in the process. A sterling Sterling Sharpe reverse gains it back, though the effort appears to have cost Sharpe the use of his cerebellum when the trainers have to come out and scrape him from the turf. On the all-important 3rd-and-goal from the 3, Workman makes it look easy for his second touchdown of the season.

Green Bay leads 14-0

Smith is less aggressive on his second return, only locating the Atlanta 14-yard line before being tripped up. Irregardless, Chris Miller lines up in the shotgun formation, and the oblivious Green Bay defense lets him rip for 9 yards. Broussard takes the pitch on the next play for his first successful run of the game, netting 8 yards. Matching his rusher's success, Miller connects on his first pass of the game, a 47-yard bomb to Pritchard in double coverage. Two excellently delayed handoffs to Broussard net 17 yards, and soon the Falcons find themselves on the precipice of six salacious points. From the Green Bay 5-yard line, Miller's pass to Pritchard is nearly picked this time, and so the Falcons opt to play it safe by letting the fatally fragile Steve Broussard high-knee it into the end zone.

Green Bay leads 14-7

A short Norm Johnson kick gives Green Bay favorable starting position at midfield. Harry "Soul Harvester" Sydney racks up an entire 4 yards on the ensuing carry, followed by a Sanjay Beach appearance to appease the Mideastern contingent in attendance. The famous Favre play action goes over an unnamed Atlanta defender's outstretched arms and into the hands of Jackie Harris at the Atlanta 2-yard line. With 27 eternal seconds remaining on the clock, rookie head coach Mike Holmgren is obviously misheard while in mid-hamburger when the field goal unit runs out and Chris Jacke kicks a quick 20-yarder. It remains to be seen if the infamous burger bite will come back to bite Holmgren in his own buns.

Green Bay leads 17-7

Halftime - Packers 17, Falcons 7

Quarter Three
Smith gets another bodacious run-back to the Atlanta 45-yard line, followed by a Miller bootleg for no gain. His next attempt, stubborn as it is, is a bit more successful as he picks up the first down. It's the 45-yard lob to a leaping Pritchard in the end zone that the Falcons' fans have been waiting for, however.

Green Bay leads 17-14

Norm Johnson, appearing a bit more pumped up from the combination of Miller's prowess and the Technotronic jam now thumping throughout the arena, careens the kick into the Green Bay end zone. Brooks only makes it a meager 5 yards out before getting tackled, giving the Packers their least amount of breathing room all day. Workman picks up a more characteristic 3 yards, which coincidentally is just enough to save Sydney from a safety on the next play when his pitch is called by the Falcons' defense and he's dropped at the Green Bay 1-yard line. He can't redeem much when an ill-timed pass by Favre is blocked, and Bryan Wagner is called on to punt from Row 11.

Tony Smith continues to produce, taking advantage of a short punt and getting his Falcons into Packer territory on the return. Brittle Broussard chalks up another 6 yards to his stat line to precede the Chris Miller show, which includes two passes to Pritchard and Rison that net 40 yards. From the 9-yard line, Broussard takes two attempts to net 5, leaving Wisconsin fans to try and figure out what is still yet needed for a score. Broussard answers it for them with a run up the middle that goes untouched by a single Packer defender.

Atlanta leads 21-17

The third quarter ends on a slightly different note than the others for Green Bay, though a decent Brooks return to the 41-yard line and a Brett Favre run for 28 yards has them headed in the right direction leading into the fourth quarter.

Quarter Four
Favre's play action pass to Beach tacks on another 22 yards, and suddenly the Packers are threatening to take back their once-strong lead. From the 9-yard line, Favre flings it to Beach in the corner of the end zone, though he overshoots wildly. His next pass lines its way to his favorite target in Jackie Harris, but Scott Case is there to spoil the day for the rookie with an interception.

Atlanta doesn't tend to take long to make the Packers pay for their ill-timed mistake. It takes two plays for them to extend their lead, one being a 6-yard run from Steve Broussard and the other a jumping jackass named Andre Rison nabbing the ball from 74 yards away.

Atlanta leads 28-17

Robert Brooks powers his way to the Green Bay 39-yard line, where the Packers hope to work quickly to rein this game back in. Two bad Favre passes leave the Packers staring at a 3rd-and-10 dilemma with most of their hopes lying on a rookie with no dental plan and a former USFL cast-out in Harry Sydney. Sydney loses 3 yards on the next play, and so on 4th down Favre takes his own chances and lobs a pass up. Unfortunately, Moe Gardner is there to tip the pass, and then immediately stare down Favre like he just made fun of his high-top fade.

Atlanta takes the ball over on downs in advantageous territory, though the Green Bay defense does their best to flip them around with three straight blitzes, one of which takes Broussard out for the second time this season. On the third blitz, Tony Smith fumbles the ball over to Chuck Cecil on his first professional carry, and suddenly the Packers are no worse for the wear at the Falcons' 28-yard line.

Coach Holmgren, who's name surprisingly doesn't appear on the book of clock management, runs two straight ground plays from Vince Workman before finally entrusting Favre with the ball at the 1-minute mark. On the ensuing play, Favre feels what it's like to be Jessie Tuggle's wife for the night. Licking his wounds, he harmlessly hands the ball off to Workman on fourth down, who catches the Falcons' defense unawares and picks up the first down. With 32 seconds left and needing to score, Favre launches it to Beach at the 5-yard line with only Jessie Solomon in front of him. And in the course of a few seconds, it's Solomon who's icing the game when he picks up Beach's fumble and slides the Falcons into their fourth win.

Final: Falcons 28, Packers 17

The story of the Packers' season thus far is told pretty neatly in the microcosm of this game. They led convincingly for the entirety of the first half, before skidding violently through the second and avoiding scoring points altogether. The Falcons, meanwhile, played the part of the cool, confident team that has gotten them where they now reside at 4-1. Unfortunately they play in the NFC West in a year where the Saints and 49ers appear an entire parsec ahead of them. Atlanta has the weapons, and with the right coaching should be able to find ways to use them to get into playoff talks. The Packers' offense, meanwhile, can't keep hiding behind Brett Favre's grits-smothered smile. If they have any more meltdowns like they did this evening, the rest of the NFC will continue to smell the blood in the waters of Green Bay.

Week Five: Freddie Joe Nunn's Blood Runs Cold

It's only been a week since our last full day of Tecmo Bowl action, but already the temperatures have dropped drastically. Blizzards in the north and cold fronts sweeping the plains have our teams shivering and getting ready for the deep freeze of winter. After this week, we should have a good indication of which teams are still hot enough to stave off the kiss of Jack Frost and which ones will fall under the trance of his icicle boogers. We'll have to make due without the AFC Central this week, though if you're a resident of anywhere other than Houston that may be your reality every week.

1:00 Games

New Orleans (3-1) * Detroit (1-3)

San Who? The Saints' comeback trail starts mightily against the Detroit Kittens, as Bobby Hebert returns to form with his 76% completion rate and 360 yards, 210 of those to Class Act Eric Martin. Rodney Peete had a pretty stellar day himself with 225 yards passing and no picks, though of course it'd come on the day they met the New Orleans Chips on their Shoulders. The Saints are back in the conversation, while the Lions still only remain in conversations that occur at Detroit-area support groups.

Final Score: Saints 38, Lions 21

Kansas City (1-3) * Denver (0-4)

The winless Broncos grasped the low-hanging fruit that was Dave Krieg this week and claimed their first win, though having to fight the efforts of their own quarterback once again. John Elway misfired most of the day, only throwing for 159 yards with an interception, but the Broncos' defense was able to hold Krieg to just 106 yards, shutting the Chiefs down to Nick Lowery kicks in the second half. It's a small step in the right direction for Denver, though we know coach Dan Reeves would prefer to take the bigger ones at night when Elway is still asleep.

Final Score: Broncos 28, Chiefs 23

Indianapolis (2-1) * Tampa Bay (2-2)

Jeff George and his Colts continue to hurtle back to earth after a strong start to the season, with their free-fall claiming another casualty in Anthony Johnson. Johnson, who had been at least productive for the Colts thus far, left them without anyone to surpass his 19 yards on the day. The Buccaneers scored late to secure their third win, already halfway to their total from last year. Don't look now, but Skinny Vinny Testaverde ranks second behind Hebert with touchdowns (12) and passer rating (160.2).

Final Score: Buccaneers 28, Colts 21

L.A. Raiders (3-1) * New York Giants (0-3)

The Giants are the second to end their winless streak this week with a victory over the surprising yet very flawed Raiders of Los Angeles. With Dickerson held in check by the Giants' 'D' to just 78 yards, Jay Schroeder was exposed as the fraud he really is with just 119 yards passing, while Jeff Hostetler finally had the first game where it seemed like he belonged professionally with 190 passing yards and no interceptions. With one item checked off their list, New York now looks to find ways to keep Jumbo Elliott from tipping over the catering truck each week.

Final Score: Giants 28, Raiders 21

Miami (2-1) * Buffalo (3-1)

Though already one game behind in the race, the Dolphins from Miami take a big step ahead with this stomping of the Bills. Once a very heated rivalry, Buffalo took a backseat to the Miami show in this game as Marino threw a respectfully decent game and Mark Higgs nearly matched Thurman Thomas yard for yard on fewer rushes. Jim Kelly couldn't make use of his powerful offense, throwing under 40% with 2 picks on the day, while Thurman couldn't overcome the roofie that Higgs left in his Gatorade. The Bills leave the arena scoring just 6 points for the second time this season.

Final Score: Dolphins 20, Bills 6

Minnesota (4-0) * Chicago (2-2)

Terry Allen remains a tour de force for the Vikings, running 107 yards and scoring twice. Luckily his quarterback was also productive, throwing almost 80%, whereas Darren Lewis' quarterback was only on target with the Vikings' secondary all day. Lewis, coming in for the injured Brad Muster, ran all over the field for 120 of his own yards and 2 touchdowns, though thanks to the rest of his inept offense he could have done more good running for the La Familia cartel.

Final Score: Vikings 27, Bears 21

New York Jets (2-2) * New England Patriots (1-2)

The legend of Brad Baxter continues to grow with his 2-touchdown performance and 157 all-purpose yards. Browning Nagle will soon be offering up his first-born child to Baxter after his lackluster 92 passing yards, though we think Hugh Millen will be offering up a lot more after just 132 yards and 2 interceptions dropped him from the top of the QB rating category back into the mediocrity he made so famous. The Jets keep pace in the AFC East, while this hiccup for the Patriots will most likely lead to involuntarily vomiting the rest of their promising season away.

Final Score: Jets 21, Patriots 7

4:00 Games

San Francisco (4-0) * Los Angeles Rams (2-2)

The 49ers continue to lay waste to their division with a nice old-fashioned whupping of the Rams. This game was never as close as the final score indicated, with the 49ers defense laying down at the end to let Los Angeles score twice. Steve Young continues to impress in his first year as a full-time starter, while the injury-plagued Mike Sherrard's star also rose a bit higher with his 110 yards receiving and 2 touchdowns. Right now, only the San Andreas fault remains as a threat to this 49ers' offense, though we'd be the last to doubt Tom Rathman's ability to clear a path right through.

Final Score: 49ers 28, Rams 17

Philadelphia (2-1) * Dallas (2-1)

With a week off to rest for both teams coming into this big NFC East match-up, we expected an offensive showdown. Only the Cowboys produced on that front, though Randall Cunningham's 100% completion rating was valiant in the loss. Perhaps Cunningham should stick to his rushing attack, however, as Keith Byars couldn't break through any holes in the Dallas defense and the Eagles fell behind quickly in their game of catch-up. The Cowboys take charge of the East, while John Booty is left picking up the charge account for Cunningham's Saturday night antics at the Tiger Cabaret. 

Final Score: Cowboys 34, Eagles 20

Phoenix (0-3) * Washington (1-2)

Chris Chandler threw for almost 400 yards, though only 244 were to his own team. With his 3 picks, Chandler and his Cardinals couldn't be the third team to break their winless woes, and though Mark Rypien's horrid 183 yards with 2 picks were hardly enough to deserve the win, the Redskins get back to .500 with to a late touchdown. The trade for Johnny Bailey continues to be a bust for Phoenix, with his 25 yards leading the team today, but the silver lining for the Cardinals remains Freddie Joe Nunn and the false wall in his locker.

Final Score: Redskins 24, Cardinals 21

San Diego (3-1) * Seattle (0-4)

Seattle keeps the dreams of lovers of horrible football alive with their fifth horrible performance this season. Though the battle of the Stans remained somewhat close with Humphries throwing just 196 to Gelbaugh's 133, the Chargers' rushing defense continued to excel against a nonexistent Seahawks' ground attack. The Chargers continue to run away with the AFC West, thankfully playing their own division 8 times this season. The Seahawks also successfully extend their charter another week, keeping a high school squad from Allentown, Pennsylvania and the gang from Peanuts having to wait another week to enter the NFL.

Final Score: Chargers 30, Seahawks 14

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Monday night will prove to be a classic, with two teams on the rise clashing in the crowded NFC. The Packers will meet up with their friends in Atlanta as Brett Favre faces his former team for the first time. Hoping to keep his dream rookie season alive, Favre will face one of the league's best pass defenses hoping to avoid one of his more inconsistent performances. Chris Miller, no stick in the mud himself, will unleash his minions in Andre Rison and Mike Pritchard while hoping to keep pace with the streaking 49ers and Saints in their own division. Nobody expected this match-up to be a barn-burner at this season's birth, but now that it is, we're hoping Neon Deion brings the gasoline.