New Orleans vs. San Francisco + Week Fifteen Preview

Well, it took until Week 14 but it happened: the train derailed. Be not afraid: although your medium has failed you, the Tecmo season has continued on at a torrid pace by itself. We're back on track now, but due to the fact that Week 15 is only right around the corner I have the unfortunate task of letting you know that the regularly scheduled Week 14 Monday Night game between New Orleans and San Francisco will have to be abbreviated and mashed together with Week 15's Looking Ahead feature. I can only hope that someday you'll find it in your Gil Fenerty-filled heart to forgive me.

It took me about five minutes to reacquaint with this name

Quarter One
New Orleans began the game with the ball, and it started fast and furious with Dalton Hilliard and Craig Heyward running the Saints' first five plays for a total of 6 yards (including a 12-yard first down run, negated in just two plays). On the sixth play of the drive, Steve Walsh finally put his highly-paid arm to work, but bounced the ball off of three 49ers defenders while Eric Martin was doing jumping jacks along the sideline.

San Francisco took over at their own 29-yard line, and after two ridiculous throws to Rice that still baffle the most seasoned of Tecmo veterans, the 49ers were threatening at the New Orleans' 32-yard line. The 19th-ranked run defense then showed their mettle when they stuffed Rathman and Craig on three straight plays, forcing a rare appearance of Mike Cofer on 4th down to nail it between the uprights for the first score of this contest.

San Francisco leads 3-0

The Saints went three-and-out on the next drive to nobody and Craig Heyward's surprise, including a strange blitz of Heyward on 3rd-and-8.

See it here first: Montana in a heap as a distorted mass

Just as this game seemed to be hurtling out of control for the Ragin' Cajuns, Vaughan Johnson dropped Joe Montana for a loss of 8, while on the next play Gene Atkins picked him off for just the ninth time this season as the quarter came ticking away to an end.

Quarter Two
In only the first few seconds of the new quarter's life, Walsh found Martin in the back of the end zone from about 18 yards out to complete his first pass and in turn give New Orleans their first lead of the game.

New Orleans leads 7-3

Some Saints players go for the "play dead" defense

Starting at their own 44-yard line, which just also happens to be Saints' territory for Montana, the 49ers went with a heavy serving of Tom Rathman with a dessert of hot buttered Saint-popcorn. Accounting for the first 47 yards of the drive, Rathman was passed up for an easy lob to Rice in the end zone to put San Francisco up faster than Bubba Paris can put down a row of pints.

San Francisco leads 10-7

The next Saints drive began with Gil Fenerty injuring something, and the ominous music that accompanied his carting off the field suddenly also acted as a portent of doom for the remainder of the game. But just as Coach Jim Mora was phoning the funeral home to carve up another tombstone for the season, Hilliard blew by eleven 49ers' defenders for 31 yards. One play later, Walsh found Martin wide open in the end zone for their second touchdown connection, and in case you were wondering if this game was real or Tecmoized: Walsh was 2-for-3 with 2 touchdowns.

New Orleans leads 14-10

With 1:37 left in the half, the Saints' coaches were beginning to update their resumes knowing they left too much time for a George Siefert-led West Coast offense.For their sake, Montana was humane enough not to tease the Saints when he lobbed the football over the hands of a Saints' cornerback into the protective arms of John Taylor at the New Orleans' 13-yard line. One play later, Montana found Brent Jones, one of 8 eligible receivers, in the end zone.

If only the carrier pigeon hadn't stolen his attention

San Francisco leads 17-14

The half ended with Morten Anderson taking his chances from 56-yards out: unfortunately his kick went wider left than James Carville in a marijuana dispensary.

Halftime - 49ers 17, Saints 14

Quarter Three
The only thing worse for the Saints than San Francisco taking possession to start the half was the fact that Tom Rathman was fed a heaping bowl of children in the locker room. He carried the 49ers to the New Orleans 39-yard line, but the Saints came up big with a 3rd-and-3 stop of Roger Craig. Mike Cofer came on to convert his second field goal of the game.

San Francisco leads 20-14

Rueben Mayes continued his strong start of replacing Fenerty with his second return into San Francisco territory. Unfortunately, his team fumbled the baton-handoff when they were forced to go for it on 4th and 5 from the 43-yard line and still lost an extra two yards.

The bad news: No torqued elbow on this spike

The 49ers started the drive showing signs of mortality when a pass to Rice was batted away by just ONE (1) defender. Apparently Montana was so frightened of this prospect that he handed the ball off on the next six plays to Craig and Rathman, which still got the Niners out to the New Orleans' 5-yard line. After being out on the field for most of the quarter, the once-stout Saints' defense gave up a Montana sneak for a touchdown, corresponding with the selling out of paper bags at the Breaux Mart.

San Francisco leads 27-14

The quarter came to an end on a cliffhanging 3rd-and-9 play looming for New Orleans.

Quarter Four
In just a matter of a flip of the field, the Saints' fans were able to shove their hearts back into their empty cavities when Heyward pulled in a miraculous catch for 16 yards. Brent Perriman followed that up with a beautiful reception in coverage at the San Francisco 9-yard line. Unfortunately all too soon, however, the Saints were facing 3rd-and-goal at the 11-yard line, and when Heyward couldn't keep from stepping on his own shoelaces at the 2-yard line, Anderson came out to punch it in despite being down by 13 in the fourth quarter.

San Francisco leads 27-17

When New Orleans' attempt at an onside kick had about as much success as a 16-year old girl coming back from Bourbon Street with her innocence, the 49ers started driving, and driving hard. There was a quick interlude when Taylor fumbled a reception at the New Orleans' 18-yard line, but when Toi Cook kicked it back to his waiting hands, the 49ers got another chance to convert. And did they? If you guessed "no", then I'll assume you pump gas in New Jersey for a living.

San Francisco led 34-17

I've already spent too much time on this, so I'll get to the point: New Orleans got down near the 49ers' end zone, ran two failed flea flickers as time expired, my dog puked on my shoe and I'm not going to clean it up until tomorrow.

Final Score: 49ers 34, Saints 17

If you've already read this far down, then my condolences are with you. If you stopped in the second quarter, however, you might have thought this was going to finish out in pretty exciting fashion. Unfortunately, it didn't, and unfortunately in losing the Saints not only fell out of the playoff hunt but also ruined it for about 15 other NFC teams. Walsh played his valiant self, pretty much outdoing Montana for the second time this season, but when Dalton Hilliard isn't fit to button up Tom Rathman's crotchless chaps, you'd have to be a fool to think this wasn't one of those David/Goliath stories that ended with David getting a slingshot surgically removed from his ass.

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Now that that's overwith, we can get on to the task at hand: looking ahead to the crucial third-to-last week in this marathon of hell. Our calves are tight, our throats are dry and cottonmouthed and caked in three-miles-ago vomit, and our heads are simultaneously pounding and lighter than the fifteen-year-old boys staying late in the locker room to huff empty whipped cream canisters. Houston and Minnesota have clinched, and in light of events just witnessed, at least one other team has a chance to move one level closer to saving the princess, er, winning the highly-coveted Tecmo Bowl. Let's see what's in store for us on the XVth edition of Looking Ahead!

The week comes charging out of the gate with a pretty stinkin' big divisional match-up between Chicago and Green Bay. The Packers beat Chicago in their first battle in Week 8, but since then have only won once more, opening the door for the Bears to take over in the wild card battle. A victory for Chicago will go a long way in deciding a postseason berth, but you can bet that the cheeseheads have saved all their quarters to use on Bob Nelson in this late-season contest.

Enter into evidence: The last person
to ever mess with Chuck Knox

Cincinnati is on life support, and will have to pull off a huge upset at home to pull even and stay sniffing the playoffs instead of Marc Logan's jock. Miami needs to get back on track, and luckily for them they're back in the AFC where they've been dominant all season. Elsewhere, three straight games featuring AFC West teams will take place, with all three of the teams being the ones tied for first place at 8-5. It's possible they'll still be in the same traffic jam of south California proportions since they don't face off head-to-head; however, somewhere we think Chuck Knox is chain smoking after drawing the short straw in favored match-ups.

The New York Football Giants could lose their one-week lead in first if they drop a home game against the Eagles, a team they lost to by a missed PAT in Week 10, while the less-competitive NFC West is showcased with the Rams fighting to get back into a playoff-field they were streaking towards earlier in the season. Los Angeles won the first meeting, but the Falcons are playing spoiler patrol as of late, and there'd be no bigger spoiler than pulling the Rams into the quicksand as a red-and-gold sun sets behind the horizon line.

Eat your heart out, 2011 Indianapolis Colts!

Two NFC East teams in contention start off the late afternoon, with the Redskins playing the last remaining one-win team in Phoenix at home while Dallas tries to right the ship against the deflated New Orleans Saints. The afternoon ends with everyone who's ever played as New England or Indianapolis' favorite Week 15 game, New England vs. Indianapolis. It's a paradoxical guaranteed win for either team, but with the Colts chasing a rare .500 season you can bet that Albert Bentley's ready to show why he's the original Beast Mode.

Monday Night brings us back to the city where dreams are made, Los Angeles, where the Raiders will hope to continue making their postseason dreams come true. It's been a blue moon since a lot of us have seen Bo Jackson play into Spring Training, and they could do it with a highly convincing win over the Buffalo Bills. However, before we lose that jade sheen, we must remember that this is late-season Buffalo Bills, where the only thing that can stop Jamie Mueller is his own selfish desire for caving in chests. The Bills took over first place in the AFC East after letting the Dolphins coast all season, and the only way they'll give it back is if Mueller is given a chew toy to bury at the forty-yard line.

WOOF WOOF SNARL....*squeak*

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AFC
1. *Houston (10-3)
2. Buffalo (9-3-1)
3. Seattle (8-5)

Wild Card
4. Dolphins (9-4)
5. Broncos (8-5)
6. Chargers (8-5)

On the Bubble
L.A. Raiders (7-6)
Cincinnati (6-7)

Playoff Scenarios:

AFC East
None

AFC Central

None

AFC West

None

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NFC

1. *Minnesota (11-2)

2. San Francisco (9-4)
3. N.Y. Giants (9-4)

Wild Card
4. Philadelphia (8-5)
5. Washington (7-6)

6. Chicago (7-6)

On the Bubble
L.A. Rams (7-6)
  Green Bay (6-6-1)
Tampa Bay (6-7)
Dallas (6-7)

Playoff Scenarios:

NFC East
None

NFC Central

Vikings clinch 1st-round bye with 49ers OR Giants loss

NFC West

49ers clinch with win AND L.A. Rams loss

 
* - Division Champion

** - 1st Round Bye

*** - Home field throughout

Week Fourteen: Dance for the Die-Hards

As Christmas lights go up, another log is thrown on the fire and grown men shamelessly look through the women's section at the thrift store for an ugly sweater, there's a silent tension growing across the landscape. Flag games at the park have given way to frozen toes in the stadium parking lot as only the die-hards continue to watch their teams fight to the finish. That's who we are now, my friends, whether you choose to accept it or not. Our Tecmo season started off fun and fresh, and now it's got a steely gray color to it, cold and tasteless, but yet we remain to play it out (if only to see Mosi Tatupu get that elusive carry and appease the throngs of Mosi's Mooses).

1:00 Games

New York Jets (4-8) at Buffalo (8-3-1)

The Jets' surprising surge fell short of a shot at the playoffs last week, and now to add insult to injury they fly into Buffalo to watch the QB Bills show. Bills went off for 328 yards, 131 of those caught by Kenny Lofton, and 0 picks. The Jets did take control on the ground, however, holding Thurman Thomas to 36 yards; although it should be mentioned that Thomas spent 4/5ths of the game looking for his helmet.

Final Score: Bills 28, Jets 20

San Diego (8-4) at L.A. Raiders (6-6)

The Chargers can't take control of their destiny as the Raiders pull back in the race with a huge divisional victory. Bo Jackson had a very average day of 123 yards rushing on 10 carries, enough to make up for his quarterback's lackluster 103 yards passing on the day. Marion Butts ran for 128 yards, but even that couldn't make up for B.J. Tolliver's 91 passing yards or his double entendre nickname.

Final Score: Raiders 31, Chargers 21

Hard-nosed December football...in Florida?

Miami (9-3) at Tampa Bay (5-7)

Playing for their postseason lives, the Buccaneers pull off a huge victory over Miami in this intrastate battle, and in the process knock the Dolphins out of first place in the AFC East. The game wasn't as close as the score indicates, with Tampa Bay holding a 27-3 lead in the 4th quarter. Miami loses their second consecutive game, and we think it's due less to Tampa Bay's exciting offense and more of a Tecmo-penned Buffalo-World Order-inspired conspiracy.

Final Score: Buccaneers 27, Dolphins 17

Elway makes Grogan's stats look almost Elway-esque

New England (1-11) at Denver (8-4)

While the Chargers were laying an egg in California, Denver throws away the perfect opportunity of taking control in the AFC West due to a loss to the 1-win Patriots. Where Steve Grogan's performance could be described as "inspired", with 241 passing yards and just 2 interceptions, John Elway's performance could only be described as "ass-tastic" with 5 picks of his own. Even when you're playing the regulars of the short-bus in the Patriots, that's a recipe for disaster.

Final Score: Patriots 30, Broncos 14

Cincinnati (6-6) at New York Giants (8-4)

Like their brethren in the NFC West, the Giants continue to knock their naysayers on their collective asses with another win, this time against a Bengals team with a lot to fight for. Phil Simms single-handedly won the Towhead Bowl with 225 yards and multiple touchdowns to Boomer's 130 yards and multiple frightening scowls. Cincinnati now looks into the abyss, where Warren Moon is laughing hysterically.

Final Score: Giants 35, Bengals 14

May have been earlier, but Byner fumbled
the exit paperwork at the front desk

Washington (7-5) at L.A. Rams (6-6)

Many eyes were on this pivotal NFC match-up, where the Rams fought it out to keep the respirator on their playoff hopes. Earnest Byner was back for the 'Skins, but he was ran off the field by the mighty Cleveland Gary and his 122 yards rushing on 8 attempts. Jim Everett threw for an uncharacteristically low 113 yards, perhaps saving his throwing arm for his Joe Montana dartboard later that evening.

Final Score: Rams 23, Redskins 14

Indianapolis (4-8) at Cleveland (5-7)

The Colts turn out the lights on Cleveland's dismal postseason dream, showing signs of a former division-leading team with Albert Bentley's 118 rushing yards. QB Browns wasn't going down without swinging when he purportedly tossed up 231 yards; however this stat still remains unverified by the sixteen fans in attendance, fifteen of which thought it was a Case Western Reserve University game.

Final Score: Colts 28, Browns 24

Smells like rivalry. And crabs. Lots of crabs.

Seattle (7-5) at Kansas City (5-7)

It appears Seattle found a loophole that allowed them to count team practice as a sanctioned NFL contest, with second-stringers wearing Kansas City jerseys. Backup Seattle QB Kelly Stouffer did his best Steve DeBerg impression, completing 28% of his passes and throwing only 81 yards with 2 picks; however with these stats it appears that Stouffer's impression of Stouffer was much more accurate.

Final Score: Seahawks 31, Chiefs 7

4:00 Games

Green Bay (6-5-1) at Atlanta (4-8)

The Falcons welcomed Green Bay into the black hole that is the Georgia Dome, and if light can't escape then it's only reasonable that the Packers would fall short of a victory despite a wild comeback. Don Majkowski continues to fade from an MVP-worthy start with 2 picks and just 131 yards. Meanwhile, Chris Miller throws another near-perfect game, keeping him in the race for Most Valuable A.I. Glitch.

Final Score: Falcons 28, Packers 24

Detroit (3-9) at Chicago (6-6)

Detroit couldn't continue their momentum from a huge upset last week, falling short in this contest against the Bears. Chicago leapfrogs Green Bay in the division behind another huge game from Neal Anderson and his 136 rushing yards. Rodney Peete was unlike himself with a 72% completion rate and 0 picks, but then again that stat is only more relevant than Mel Gray's one punt return for seven yards.

Final Score: Bears 30, Lions 21

Pittsburgh (4-8) at Dallas (6-6)

The Cinderella season in Dallas is nearing midnight as the Cowboys are victims of an on-day from Bubby Brister, who threw for 204 yards and an 84% connection rate. Perhaps also victims of vertigo, Troy Aikman only threw for 112 yards while Emmitt Smith ran for a season-low 50 yards, and with the rest of the NFC East playing cutthroat football it appears the 'Boys will be smelling pumpkin and rats pretty soon.

Final Score: Steelers 28, Cowboys 10

Houston (10-2) at Philadelphia (7-5)

The Oilers already got their belated division championship trophy with the Bengals' loss earlier in the day, but missed an opportunity to be first in line for a first-week bye when they gave up a late touchdown to Philadelphia. It shouldn't have even been that close behind Warren Moon's four interceptions and Lorenzo White's 13 rushing yards, but if there's one team that would drop a glass trophy, it's Philadelphia.

Final Score: Eagles 35, Oilers 28

Jack Pardee wasn't voted NFL's Most Debonaire 3 times for nothing

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It's getting hot and stinky in the crowded NFC West, but our Monday Night showdown between San Francisco and New Orleans could settle all of that. The 49ers haven't lost since their Week 6 bye, and aren't about to drop their first game in an important divisional match-up. Los Angeles' win puts that much more heat on both teams: the 49ers and their divisional lead, and the Saints with their hopes of taking a wild card spot from the Rams. While we don't hold out much hope for the bad boys in the bayou, the Saints do already possess a wild card in Steve Walsh, a quarterback in the top ten of every passing category. Unfortunately for New Orleans, their defense isn't even on the radar; not a good statistic when you're going up against Mega-Montana, Uber-Rice, and Tom SuperMegaUberUltra-Rathman.

Termination Sequence: Initiated