1:00 Games
New York Jets (4-8) at Buffalo (8-3-1)
The Jets' surprising surge fell short of a shot at the playoffs last week, and now to add insult to injury they fly into Buffalo to watch the QB Bills show. Bills went off for 328 yards, 131 of those caught by Kenny Lofton, and 0 picks. The Jets did take control on the ground, however, holding Thurman Thomas to 36 yards; although it should be mentioned that Thomas spent 4/5ths of the game looking for his helmet.
Final Score: Bills 28, Jets 20
San Diego (8-4) at L.A. Raiders (6-6)
The Chargers can't take control of their destiny as the Raiders pull back in the race with a huge divisional victory. Bo Jackson had a very average day of 123 yards rushing on 10 carries, enough to make up for his quarterback's lackluster 103 yards passing on the day. Marion Butts ran for 128 yards, but even that couldn't make up for B.J. Tolliver's 91 passing yards or his double entendre nickname.
Final Score: Raiders 31, Chargers 21
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| Hard-nosed December football...in Florida? |
Miami (9-3) at Tampa Bay (5-7)
Playing for their postseason lives, the Buccaneers pull off a huge victory over Miami in this intrastate battle, and in the process knock the Dolphins out of first place in the AFC East. The game wasn't as close as the score indicates, with Tampa Bay holding a 27-3 lead in the 4th quarter. Miami loses their second consecutive game, and we think it's due less to Tampa Bay's exciting offense and more of a Tecmo-penned Buffalo-World Order-inspired conspiracy.
Final Score: Buccaneers 27, Dolphins 17
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| Elway makes Grogan's stats look almost Elway-esque |
New England (1-11) at Denver (8-4)
While the Chargers were laying an egg in California, Denver throws away the perfect opportunity of taking control in the AFC West due to a loss to the 1-win Patriots. Where Steve Grogan's performance could be described as "inspired", with 241 passing yards and just 2 interceptions, John Elway's performance could only be described as "ass-tastic" with 5 picks of his own. Even when you're playing the regulars of the short-bus in the Patriots, that's a recipe for disaster.
Final Score: Patriots 30, Broncos 14
Cincinnati (6-6) at New York Giants (8-4)
Like their brethren in the NFC West, the Giants continue to knock their naysayers on their collective asses with another win, this time against a Bengals team with a lot to fight for. Phil Simms single-handedly won the Towhead Bowl with 225 yards and multiple touchdowns to Boomer's 130 yards and multiple frightening scowls. Cincinnati now looks into the abyss, where Warren Moon is laughing hysterically.
Final Score: Giants 35, Bengals 14
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| May have been earlier, but Byner fumbled the exit paperwork at the front desk |
Washington (7-5) at L.A. Rams (6-6)
Many eyes were on this pivotal NFC match-up, where the Rams fought it out to keep the respirator on their playoff hopes. Earnest Byner was back for the 'Skins, but he was ran off the field by the mighty Cleveland Gary and his 122 yards rushing on 8 attempts. Jim Everett threw for an uncharacteristically low 113 yards, perhaps saving his throwing arm for his Joe Montana dartboard later that evening.
Final Score: Rams 23, Redskins 14
Indianapolis (4-8) at Cleveland (5-7)
The Colts turn out the lights on Cleveland's dismal postseason dream, showing signs of a former division-leading team with Albert Bentley's 118 rushing yards. QB Browns wasn't going down without swinging when he purportedly tossed up 231 yards; however this stat still remains unverified by the sixteen fans in attendance, fifteen of which thought it was a Case Western Reserve University game.
Final Score: Colts 28, Browns 24
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| Smells like rivalry. And crabs. Lots of crabs. |
Seattle (7-5) at Kansas City (5-7)
It appears Seattle found a loophole that allowed them to count team practice as a sanctioned NFL contest, with second-stringers wearing Kansas City jerseys. Backup Seattle QB Kelly Stouffer did his best Steve DeBerg impression, completing 28% of his passes and throwing only 81 yards with 2 picks; however with these stats it appears that Stouffer's impression of Stouffer was much more accurate.
Final Score: Seahawks 31, Chiefs 7
4:00 Games
Green Bay (6-5-1) at Atlanta (4-8)
The Falcons welcomed Green Bay into the black hole that is the Georgia Dome, and if light can't escape then it's only reasonable that the Packers would fall short of a victory despite a wild comeback. Don Majkowski continues to fade from an MVP-worthy start with 2 picks and just 131 yards. Meanwhile, Chris Miller throws another near-perfect game, keeping him in the race for Most Valuable A.I. Glitch.
Final Score: Falcons 28, Packers 24
Detroit (3-9) at Chicago (6-6)
Detroit couldn't continue their momentum from a huge upset last week, falling short in this contest against the Bears. Chicago leapfrogs Green Bay in the division behind another huge game from Neal Anderson and his 136 rushing yards. Rodney Peete was unlike himself with a 72% completion rate and 0 picks, but then again that stat is only more relevant than Mel Gray's one punt return for seven yards.
Final Score: Bears 30, Lions 21
Pittsburgh (4-8) at Dallas (6-6)
The Cinderella season in Dallas is nearing midnight as the Cowboys are victims of an on-day from Bubby Brister, who threw for 204 yards and an 84% connection rate. Perhaps also victims of vertigo, Troy Aikman only threw for 112 yards while Emmitt Smith ran for a season-low 50 yards, and with the rest of the NFC East playing cutthroat football it appears the 'Boys will be smelling pumpkin and rats pretty soon.
Final Score: Steelers 28, Cowboys 10
Houston (10-2) at Philadelphia (7-5)
The Oilers already got their belated division championship trophy with the Bengals' loss earlier in the day, but missed an opportunity to be first in line for a first-week bye when they gave up a late touchdown to Philadelphia. It shouldn't have even been that close behind Warren Moon's four interceptions and Lorenzo White's 13 rushing yards, but if there's one team that would drop a glass trophy, it's Philadelphia.
Final Score: Eagles 35, Oilers 28
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| Jack Pardee wasn't voted NFL's Most Debonaire 3 times for nothing |
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It's getting hot and stinky in the crowded NFC West, but our Monday Night showdown between San Francisco and New Orleans could settle all of that. The 49ers haven't lost since their Week 6 bye, and aren't about to drop their first game in an important divisional match-up. Los Angeles' win puts that much more heat on both teams: the 49ers and their divisional lead, and the Saints with their hopes of taking a wild card spot from the Rams. While we don't hold out much hope for the bad boys in the bayou, the Saints do already possess a wild card in Steve Walsh, a quarterback in the top ten of every passing category. Unfortunately for New Orleans, their defense isn't even on the radar; not a good statistic when you're going up against Mega-Montana, Uber-Rice, and Tom SuperMegaUberUltra-Rathman.
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| Termination Sequence: Initiated |
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