Week One: Season Opener

It's Week One: Statement Week in the NFL. Last season is in the rearview mirror, and everyone's at a clean slate. Every player has a chance to hold the Lombardi trophy by season's end--most likely when QB Bills needs a few seconds to tie his shoe.

This post comes to you a day early due to my ability to time travel and my ability to be out of town on Opening Sunday in the NFL. Be not afraid, however, as this would only be impressive if I wasn't using a 20 year old game in the form of a ROM on my computer.

1:00 PM Games

If you look closely, you can almost see the hopes of
Indianapolis' chances at a .500 record being carried off
by the trainers as well.

Indianapolis (0-0) * New England (0-0)
I almost tossed my cookies writing this in my notes, but this may have been the true game of the week. John Stephens goes out with an injury, as does Albert Bentley, but the real story is Jeff George passing for 4 touchdowns. Steve Grogan put up some big numbers as well, with an almost-as-impressive 3 interceptions.

Final Score: Colts 30, Patriots 28

NY Jets (0-0) * Tampa Bay (0-0)
The Jets score all 24 points in the 1st quarter, and then proceed to hold off the Bucs' hefty comeback of 10 points in the next three quarters. Al Toon grabs 2 catches for 60 yards for a robust 30 yard per reception average. While this is outstanding even by today's standards, it's somewhat below average for the Tecmo stars of 1991.

Final Score: Jets 24, Buccaneers 10

Cincinnati (0-0) * Denver (0-0)
Denver scores 14 unanswered points in the fourth quarter, but can't score the 7 or more needed to win and keep afloat in the AFC West. Boomer is impressive with his 3 touchdowns, although some may argue that John Elway could put down more carrots if it were to come to that.

Final Score: Bengals 24, Broncos 17

Paging Mr. Pagel

Dallas (0-0) * Cleveland (0-0)
Emmitt Smith runs 10 times for 126 yards to Kevin Mack's 7 runs for 34 yards. Therefore, the fact that this game went into overtime is slightly astounding, until one realizes that Mack had 1 touchdown to Smith's 0. This makes Kevin Mack the prime example of how Hall of Fame voters have got it all wrong.

Final Score: Cowboys 23, Browns 17 (OT)


Houston (0-0) * LA Raiders (0-0)
Warren Moon goes off for 287 yards and a couple TDs. Drew Hill nabbed 4 catches for 171 yards and both of the scores. While most of the Raiders were left scratching their heads, Jay Schroeder was simply scratching lottery tickets, as his job is in serious jeopardy after his 4 interceptions.

Final Score: Oilers 23, Raiders 10

San Diego (0-0) * Pittsburgh (0-0)
With the win today, San Diego takes sole possession of first place in the AFC West. Pittsburgh scored their only touchdown in the first quarter, and was then held off for the rest of the game due to a stout Chargers defense and Bubby Brister's inability to throw passes to his own receivers.
 
Final Score: Chargers 16, Steelers 7

4:00 PM Games

Kansas City (0-0) * Atlanta (0-0)
Barry Word runs wild for 110 yards and a touchdown and the Chiefs are now sitting pretty atop the division with San Diego. Meanwhile, Atlanta is groveling in the bottom of the NFC West, although the fans the team still have hopes knowing there are 15 more contests to close the half-game gap with San Francisco.

Final Score: Chiefs 28, Falcons 20

Seattle (0-0) * New Orleans Saints (0-0)
The Seahawks didn't turn heads with their offense, but the fact that they only allowed 3 first downs and two field goals says something about their defense. Should they be put up amongst teams like the '76 Steelers or the '85 Bears? Perhaps; although it's more likely the Saints' offense will be listed along teams the likes of the '76 Buccaneers or Grogan's Patriots.

Final Score: Seattle 28, Saints 6

"That back alley behind the Silverdome is sure lookin'
pretty dark" thinks Peete

Washington (0-0) * Detroit (0-0)
Barry Sanders still stands as the only offensive weapon for Detroit, running 8 times for 94 yards. His quarterback, with his 8.3% completion percentage and 2 interceptions to no touchdowns, stands as Detroit's Most Wanted, which is saying a lot considering Kid Rock also hails from the Motor City.

Final Score: Redskins 31, Lions 3

San Francisco (0-0) * NY Giants (0-0)
In the second overtime battle decided by a touchdown, the Giants lose a heartbreaker to the mighty 49ers and their Satan-possessed souls. Joe Montana was on fire for 309 yards and a touchdown, but Jeff Hostetler out-heats him with his more Playgirl-friendly appearance on the sidelines.

Final Score: 49ers 29, Giants 23 (OT)




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I know I promised a pivotal Sunday Night matchup between perennial playoff pushover Green Bay and the city of Brotherly Puking on Each Other, but my aforementioned trip may delay it. So for the two people reading this right now, please hang out and fondle yourself to G4 until I get the post up.

Thursday Night Football: Buffalo vs. Miami

Buffalo and Miami meet tonight on NFL Network's Presentation of Thursday Night Football. It's an intra-divisional matchup and favorite Tecmo rivalry of many between one team with a lot to prove, and another that wears pink. For Miami, it's Week One and they're already in a must-win situation if they want to keep pace with Buffalo. For Buffalo, it's Week One which means the probability that there will be a Jamie Mueller-heavy offense is about as high as Marv Levy wearing his 'Bills' crocheted sweatshirt.

Quarter One

Reed stopped at this point and did a quick Irish jig

Buffalo wins the coin toss, so thanks for showing up to the game everyone! For those daring to stick around for the slaughter, you sociopaths probably wouldn't be disappointed by the 52-yard bomb from QB Bills to Andre Reed on the second play of the game for a quick 6-0 lead. Norwood tacks one on.

Buffalo leads 7-0

After a decent return, Miami starts at its own 35 yard line. Don Shula breaks out the Tony Paige offense early with two long runs by Paige to flip the field and get the Fins to the Buffalo 32. After a few short spurts up the middle, Sammie Smith takes his first carry in for a 25-yard touchdown run.

Score tied 7-7

Suddenly this game looks like it may go all four quarters. Although Buffalo scored in just 30 seconds, Miami took three minutes to score, and so you'd better believe QB Bills' arm is freshened up. But just to spite all of his naysayers, Bills uses his even fresher legs to run 25 yards in two carries and currently leads a team including Thurman Thomas in rushing yards. Cliff Odom stuffs QB Bills and the first exciting quarter of the new Tecmo Season comes to a close.

This ball is just ten feet from more
therapy visits

Quarter Two
Buffalo can't convert their third down play to start the quarter, and promptly sends out Mr. Norwood for the 48 yarder. After he misses wide right, he's seen on the sideline signing his new autobiography "Self-Fulfilled Prophecy: The Scott Norwood Story".

Miami continues to utilize the cornerstone of their offense with a few Tony Paige runs into Buffalo territory. When the two Marks, Clayton and Duper, come into the huddle asking if they should just leave their pads in the locker room at halftime, Marino tells them it's a passing play. He then tosses a bomb to Tony Paige for a 45-yard touchdown strike to give Miami its first lead of the game. When they get to the sideline, Marino is massaging Paige's calves and letting him drink from his Gatorade cup.

Miami leads 14-7

With 2:45 left to play in the half, QB Bills gets to work. On the second play of the drive, he hits James Lofton for 33 yards. Lofton fumbles the football, and laughs heartily when three Dolphins players kick it out of bounds. Two plays later, Buffalo is staring at a 3rd and 3 situation, when everyday Thurman bashes into the back of his own offensive line to prompt another Norwood Situation. Norwood is heard assuring his teammates that he's corrected his right-leaning issues by switching his shoes around, and then goes on to hit it wide left from 38. The Miami fans in attendance are seen streaming from the stands to buy out all the remaining Norwood jerseys.

Now he's just insulting us

The Dolphins get the ball back with 1:20 to go in the half, and Marino goes back to the air to hit Ferrell Edmunds and get near midfield. The Buffalo defense isn't too tired from their Norwood mauling to stuff Marino for a 13 yard loss on the next play, and on 3rd and 23 they bat away a meaningless pass. The teams head to the tunnels with Miami up by a shaky-looking touchdown.

Halftime - Miami 14, Buffalo 7

Quarter Three
Marino looks primed and ready to hand the ball off to Tony Paige to start the half. The Bills also look ready, so coach Shula switches it up and tells Marino to pass. When the drive stalls from an incompletion, sack and batted pass, Miami fans are calling for Shula's bright, seafoam green windbreaker.

A huge runback by return specialist Al Edwards has Buffalo at midfield. After a short Thurman run and an incompletion, Jamie Mueller is stopped 1 yard short on 3rd and 2. Marv Levy calls for a punt, but Norwood is already out missing his 59-yard attempt wide left.

From the huddle, Marino is heard calling Paige hand-offs out loud. When Sammie Smith gets the next two handoffs, the Bills remember how cerebral Marino is and they tell each other not to fall for his reverse psychology anymore. Marino shouts 'Tony Paige' in the huddle again, and after breaking the huddle, hands it off to Paige who gains 28 yards while Buffalo lunges for Smith. Just when the Dolphins think they have Buffalo's number, the next two plays consist of Paige losing 3 yards and Marino sacked for 13 from consecutive blitzes. When Nate Odomes steamrolls Marino for another sack, Miami realizes that it went from a 1st and goal situation to slightly out of Stoyanovich range in the span of about 30 seconds. Reggie Roby punts the ball into a Cuban sandwich stand and Buffalo will start from their 20 yard line.

Quarter Four

Andre Reed and his chameleon familiar

Jamie Mueller pulls off his best Paige impersonation by taking three straight hand-offs. While he's able to gain a total of 3 yards, QB Bills goes against popular opinion and on 3rd and 7 connects to a leaping Andre Reed for 38 yards. Two plays (Mueller hand-offs) later, Bills finds Reed in the end zone again, apparently wearing a Dolphins jersey.

Score tied 14-14

With 2:30 remaining, Marc Logan gets the Dolphins into manageable starting position at their own 45-yard line. After another sack by Shane Conlan, Marino instantly gets to his feet and pulls out a steel plate from behind his jersey a la Bret 'The Hitman' Hart while Conlan lays on the field unconscious. He then looks to the nearest television camera and mouths 'Watch This', hitting Mark 'Super' Duper for a 32 yard strike. Three plays and two Tony Paige gut punchers later, Miami has scored with just over a minute remaining.

Miami leads 21-14

With a late fourth-quarter lead in an instrumental intra-divisional game, Shula pulls Pete Stoyanovich aside and tells him to knock a beer vendor on his ass with his kick. Stoyanovich, who failed his vision physical earlier in the preseason, mistakes the midfield referee for a vendor and kicks it in his direction. By the time Al Edwards is tackled, he's at the Miami 43-yard line with exactly one minute for QB Bills to tie this one up.

After exactly ten seconds, QB Bills hooks up with Reed for a 43-yard touchdown and this game is tied.

Take it in, Norwood

Score tied 21-21

Marc Logan takes the ball in the end zone, and surprisingly brings it out for a return. He somehow manages to plod around the field for 45 seconds while the Bills stand around and compare their biceps, and after he is mercifully tackled with no time remaining, this game is going to overtime.


End of Regulation - Miami 21, Buffalo 21





Overtime
Buffalo wins their second coin toss in a row with a 'tails' call, and the only person that's surprised is the official as his coin had 'heads' on both sides.

Norwood takes comfort in knowing this is all
anyone will remember of this game

Although Stoyanovich manages to get the ball into the end zone this time, Al Edwards uses his God-given Japanese programming talent to avoid all 11 Miami special teams members. He gets to midfield, and is only tackled when he stops to take a phone call from his new Hollywood agent. The Buffalo offense marches its way downfield, and when Miami stops them on 3rd and 10, Marino is already stretching his handoff arm on the sideline for when Norwood inevitably shanks this one.

And shanks it he does, but it bounces off the upright in the right direction this time, and Miami escapes this one with the defeat they were looking for when the game started.

Final: Buffalo 24, Miami 21 (OT)


Although Tony Paige tried his best to carry the team both in his sure hands and on his sturdy shoulders, Buffalo takes this one with an onslaught of blitzes, the magnetized receiving of Andre Reed, and the clutch kicking of Scott Norwood. The score may have wound up 24-21, but had Norwood kept his composure this would have been over long before Marc Logan-gate. Once again, Buffalo begins the season on what's sure to be a 13-game winning streak before the always-fluky loss to New York, while Dan Marino is comfortably booking his appearance on the newest 'Hootie and the Blowfish' video.

The Tecmo Bowl: Preseason Analysis

The Tecmo Bowl: A season long endeavor of COM-COM games to determine the superior Tecmo Team of all time--or perhaps a chance for me to find a diversion while my fantasy team of All-Browns players somehow achieves a worse record than the actual Cleveland Browns.

It's been done before by Tecmo masters and elite bloggers, some who will not be named, but will be pinpointed to a small town in North Dakota (see: Leonard, ND). They say that imitation is the best form of flattery, however (or the best way to end up with nothing more than conjugal visits for the next 10 years) and so I plan on doing my best to make those titans who came before me proud. For as those elite bloggers and Tecmo artisans have moved on to bigger and better things, Tecmo tournaments not excluded, I have been inspired to run a new season of COM-COM games to whet my appetite for the season and to continually make my wife realize how lucky she is.

Before you judge me, you must realize this: there is a reason you're here. Maybe it's because your star quarterback is out for the season on Madden '12 with a 'concussion'. Or maybe it's because you were smart enough to never start a Madden '12 season in the first place, because you're currently immersed in your 488th season of Tecmo Super Bowl, trying to win it all with all-Detroit backups.

Tecmo brings us all together, and the internet is a prime example of this. Forums and online tournaments litter the landscape like Bubby Brister's extremities; hacked games help us realize our dream matchups of Dave Krieg vs. Tom Brady in January football; and most importantly, no amount of dripping sweat or glistening biceps will ever overshadow the dramatically pixelated jump shots for a 110-yard toss by Dan Marino. And so, without further ado, let us use our vast 20-year knowledge of the game we know and love to simulate the paths that the Bills and 49ers will take to meet in the 1991 Tecmo Bowl.

AFC East

The juggernauts of the AFC East will, once again, collide in a hard-fought battle for a wild card position behind the Buffalo Bills this year. Although there is much disparity between Miami's squad of both lightning fast receivers and lightning fast footballs thrown by their quarterback, and New York's squad of loud-mouthed doughboys, the fact that they both play Buffalo twice along with the fact that they play New England and Indianapolis a combined 8 times will ensure them a sandwich spot in their division. They will both, somehow, also get into the playoffs as wild cards due to the Central Division only having one eligible team and the Western division's knack for infighting, crack-dealing, murdering and sleeping past the official kickoff time. While both teams could finish anywhere between 7-9 and 10-6, there is no doubt Buffalo will soar to 14 wins (or more), barring a Thurman Thomas trade to Tampa Bay.

AFC Central

Houston has Warren Moon, Lorenzo White and Haywood Jeffries. Cleveland has a quarterback who wishes to remain anonymous, a running back whose name (Kevin Mack) is more suited to the funny drunk guy in a frat party movie than an NFL running back, and a 3-4 defense. And while it's true that Cincinnati and Pittsburgh existed in 1991, they were about as impactful to Houston's playoff chances as Warren Moon's wedding vows were to his fidelity. The race for the AFC Central crown will last about a week when Houston is tied with any of the other 3 teams after they nab a fluke win, but from there the Oilers' ride to the playoffs is as slick as their name. And while Cincinnati and Cleveland promise to give native Ohioans a chance for bragging rights, the rest of us will be reaching for the barf bags.

AFC West
Kansas City and Denver will always own this division in Tecmo play, and San Diego and the L.A. Raiders will always own their lifetime passes to the southern California golf courses they use each winter. Seattle, always the spoiler, will be there in the end jockeying for a position in the playoffs like your annoying younger brother trying to peek at the nudie magazine you and your friends found. Although the two teams are evenly matched, Kansas City always seems to have the upper hand over Denver and their strangely coincidental mascot for a quarterback. The Chiefs will ultimately own the tiebreaker when Christian Okoye somersaults past the Broncos pitiful Defensive Line for 5 touchdowns in Week 12. The Chargers, meanwhile, will find more ways to overwork Marion Butts, so that by Week 12 the only place there'll be butts in San Diego is at the ever-popular and ever-parodied gay bar, "The Brass Rail".

Playoffs

Chiefs def. Jets
Dolphins def. Broncos

Bills def. Chiefs
Dolphins def. Oilers

Bills def. Dolphins


NFC East
The NFC East will be led by Mr. Eagles himself, the quarterback so flashy and inspiring that his parents had a premonition that he'd one day lead the Philadelphia Eagles to an NFC East Championship in 1991. Right at their heels will be the New York Giants who, if it weren't for the mustache that led them to an actual Super Bowl in real life the year before, would probably be lingering somewhere between Dallas and the googly-eyed monster locked in the NFC East basement, the Phoenix Cardinals. Washington will probably land at 8-8, depending on how often they use Ernest Byner at the goal line, but have a chance to finish anywhere from 6-10 to, well, let's just say 8-8 is being pretty generous. The Redskins and Dallas will hit the 8-8 mark together, but will both miss the playoffs when they lose their invitations in the mounds of mail that will inevitably pile up behind Cheetos bags, Stouffer's pizza crusts, and their dimebags.


NFC Central
The Monsters of the Midway will be in prime form this season, and the rest of the future NFC North will also be competitive in a fight to the end. The Creamsicle Warriors, meanwhile, will be walked upon in their quest for 3 wins, 2 of which will be when Vinny Testaverde accidentally wears the uniforms of the opposing teams and scares them into forfeiting. Green Bay will play like a team possessed in the pre-Favre era, and will edge out Minnesota for second even though both teams should make the playoffs, and then should immediately drop out during Wild Card weekend. Minnesota, although only sporting an 8-8 record, will backdoor their way into the playoffs due to a deal they made in selling Herschel Walker's soul to the Japanese programmers so that they'd have something with which to possess all remaining copies of 'Bible Adventures'.

NFC West

The 49ers will have no problem running away with this division, with future HOFers Joe Montana and Jerry Rice looking like a pro team playing against the Powder Puffs at a pep rally. New Orleans will have some surprise wins, and work their way to a respectable 8-8 record despite being filled with no-namers and a few prison inmates on work release. The Rams and Falcons will fight for worst in the NFC West, with Atlanta edging out L.A. due to a free-fall of 8-10 losses to close out the season. Atlanta fans can then take comfort in knowing that at the end of the season, they'll at least still have the Hawks. And then they'll realize that feeling of 'comfort' is actually the feeling of getting a thumb caught in an electric socket wrench.

Playoffs

Bears def. Vikings
Giants def. Packers

49ers def. Bears
Eagles def. Giants

49ers def. Eagles

This leads to the ultimate pairing of San Francisco and Buffalo in the Super Bowl, a matchup I tried like hell to avoid but just couldn't go against the ol' gut (it has been getting rounder, even as I write this). Perhaps I write this because I know how often I am wrong in these things, and this is sort of some reverse psychology that I am foolish enough to believe works on a computer. I can't go so far as to make a Super Bowl Champion prediction yet, but I can say that the team with the most men named Tom Rathman should take it all.



Preview for Next Week: I've decided to play the season a little unconventionally in Tecmo terms, and more conventionally in 2011 terms. Therefore, I've split up the games as I'd think they'd be scheduled, with Buffalo vs. Miami being scheduled for NFL Network's Thursday Night Football to open the season. The other two featured games will be NBC Football Night in America's matchup of Philadelphia vs. Green Bay, followed by ESPN's presentation of Monday Night Football between NFC Central rivals Chicago vs. Minnesota. The later game in L.A., featuring the Phoenix Cardinals vs. L.A. Rams, will be blacked out across the country, not due to FCC regulations, but due to the multitudes of people turning the channel to Nick at Nite reruns of Roseanne.


So now, I will finish by asking the question Hank Williams, Jr. was contractually obligated to ask, but decided to breach in favor of his personal commitment not to sell out to any particular brand:

Are you ready for some TECMO??