The Tecmo Bowl: Preseason Analysis

The Tecmo Bowl: A season long endeavor of COM-COM games to determine the superior Tecmo Team of all time--or perhaps a chance for me to find a diversion while my fantasy team of All-Browns players somehow achieves a worse record than the actual Cleveland Browns.

It's been done before by Tecmo masters and elite bloggers, some who will not be named, but will be pinpointed to a small town in North Dakota (see: Leonard, ND). They say that imitation is the best form of flattery, however (or the best way to end up with nothing more than conjugal visits for the next 10 years) and so I plan on doing my best to make those titans who came before me proud. For as those elite bloggers and Tecmo artisans have moved on to bigger and better things, Tecmo tournaments not excluded, I have been inspired to run a new season of COM-COM games to whet my appetite for the season and to continually make my wife realize how lucky she is.

Before you judge me, you must realize this: there is a reason you're here. Maybe it's because your star quarterback is out for the season on Madden '12 with a 'concussion'. Or maybe it's because you were smart enough to never start a Madden '12 season in the first place, because you're currently immersed in your 488th season of Tecmo Super Bowl, trying to win it all with all-Detroit backups.

Tecmo brings us all together, and the internet is a prime example of this. Forums and online tournaments litter the landscape like Bubby Brister's extremities; hacked games help us realize our dream matchups of Dave Krieg vs. Tom Brady in January football; and most importantly, no amount of dripping sweat or glistening biceps will ever overshadow the dramatically pixelated jump shots for a 110-yard toss by Dan Marino. And so, without further ado, let us use our vast 20-year knowledge of the game we know and love to simulate the paths that the Bills and 49ers will take to meet in the 1991 Tecmo Bowl.

AFC East

The juggernauts of the AFC East will, once again, collide in a hard-fought battle for a wild card position behind the Buffalo Bills this year. Although there is much disparity between Miami's squad of both lightning fast receivers and lightning fast footballs thrown by their quarterback, and New York's squad of loud-mouthed doughboys, the fact that they both play Buffalo twice along with the fact that they play New England and Indianapolis a combined 8 times will ensure them a sandwich spot in their division. They will both, somehow, also get into the playoffs as wild cards due to the Central Division only having one eligible team and the Western division's knack for infighting, crack-dealing, murdering and sleeping past the official kickoff time. While both teams could finish anywhere between 7-9 and 10-6, there is no doubt Buffalo will soar to 14 wins (or more), barring a Thurman Thomas trade to Tampa Bay.

AFC Central

Houston has Warren Moon, Lorenzo White and Haywood Jeffries. Cleveland has a quarterback who wishes to remain anonymous, a running back whose name (Kevin Mack) is more suited to the funny drunk guy in a frat party movie than an NFL running back, and a 3-4 defense. And while it's true that Cincinnati and Pittsburgh existed in 1991, they were about as impactful to Houston's playoff chances as Warren Moon's wedding vows were to his fidelity. The race for the AFC Central crown will last about a week when Houston is tied with any of the other 3 teams after they nab a fluke win, but from there the Oilers' ride to the playoffs is as slick as their name. And while Cincinnati and Cleveland promise to give native Ohioans a chance for bragging rights, the rest of us will be reaching for the barf bags.

AFC West
Kansas City and Denver will always own this division in Tecmo play, and San Diego and the L.A. Raiders will always own their lifetime passes to the southern California golf courses they use each winter. Seattle, always the spoiler, will be there in the end jockeying for a position in the playoffs like your annoying younger brother trying to peek at the nudie magazine you and your friends found. Although the two teams are evenly matched, Kansas City always seems to have the upper hand over Denver and their strangely coincidental mascot for a quarterback. The Chiefs will ultimately own the tiebreaker when Christian Okoye somersaults past the Broncos pitiful Defensive Line for 5 touchdowns in Week 12. The Chargers, meanwhile, will find more ways to overwork Marion Butts, so that by Week 12 the only place there'll be butts in San Diego is at the ever-popular and ever-parodied gay bar, "The Brass Rail".

Playoffs

Chiefs def. Jets
Dolphins def. Broncos

Bills def. Chiefs
Dolphins def. Oilers

Bills def. Dolphins


NFC East
The NFC East will be led by Mr. Eagles himself, the quarterback so flashy and inspiring that his parents had a premonition that he'd one day lead the Philadelphia Eagles to an NFC East Championship in 1991. Right at their heels will be the New York Giants who, if it weren't for the mustache that led them to an actual Super Bowl in real life the year before, would probably be lingering somewhere between Dallas and the googly-eyed monster locked in the NFC East basement, the Phoenix Cardinals. Washington will probably land at 8-8, depending on how often they use Ernest Byner at the goal line, but have a chance to finish anywhere from 6-10 to, well, let's just say 8-8 is being pretty generous. The Redskins and Dallas will hit the 8-8 mark together, but will both miss the playoffs when they lose their invitations in the mounds of mail that will inevitably pile up behind Cheetos bags, Stouffer's pizza crusts, and their dimebags.


NFC Central
The Monsters of the Midway will be in prime form this season, and the rest of the future NFC North will also be competitive in a fight to the end. The Creamsicle Warriors, meanwhile, will be walked upon in their quest for 3 wins, 2 of which will be when Vinny Testaverde accidentally wears the uniforms of the opposing teams and scares them into forfeiting. Green Bay will play like a team possessed in the pre-Favre era, and will edge out Minnesota for second even though both teams should make the playoffs, and then should immediately drop out during Wild Card weekend. Minnesota, although only sporting an 8-8 record, will backdoor their way into the playoffs due to a deal they made in selling Herschel Walker's soul to the Japanese programmers so that they'd have something with which to possess all remaining copies of 'Bible Adventures'.

NFC West

The 49ers will have no problem running away with this division, with future HOFers Joe Montana and Jerry Rice looking like a pro team playing against the Powder Puffs at a pep rally. New Orleans will have some surprise wins, and work their way to a respectable 8-8 record despite being filled with no-namers and a few prison inmates on work release. The Rams and Falcons will fight for worst in the NFC West, with Atlanta edging out L.A. due to a free-fall of 8-10 losses to close out the season. Atlanta fans can then take comfort in knowing that at the end of the season, they'll at least still have the Hawks. And then they'll realize that feeling of 'comfort' is actually the feeling of getting a thumb caught in an electric socket wrench.

Playoffs

Bears def. Vikings
Giants def. Packers

49ers def. Bears
Eagles def. Giants

49ers def. Eagles

This leads to the ultimate pairing of San Francisco and Buffalo in the Super Bowl, a matchup I tried like hell to avoid but just couldn't go against the ol' gut (it has been getting rounder, even as I write this). Perhaps I write this because I know how often I am wrong in these things, and this is sort of some reverse psychology that I am foolish enough to believe works on a computer. I can't go so far as to make a Super Bowl Champion prediction yet, but I can say that the team with the most men named Tom Rathman should take it all.



Preview for Next Week: I've decided to play the season a little unconventionally in Tecmo terms, and more conventionally in 2011 terms. Therefore, I've split up the games as I'd think they'd be scheduled, with Buffalo vs. Miami being scheduled for NFL Network's Thursday Night Football to open the season. The other two featured games will be NBC Football Night in America's matchup of Philadelphia vs. Green Bay, followed by ESPN's presentation of Monday Night Football between NFC Central rivals Chicago vs. Minnesota. The later game in L.A., featuring the Phoenix Cardinals vs. L.A. Rams, will be blacked out across the country, not due to FCC regulations, but due to the multitudes of people turning the channel to Nick at Nite reruns of Roseanne.


So now, I will finish by asking the question Hank Williams, Jr. was contractually obligated to ask, but decided to breach in favor of his personal commitment not to sell out to any particular brand:

Are you ready for some TECMO??