Thursday Night Football: Buffalo vs. Miami

Buffalo and Miami meet tonight on NFL Network's Presentation of Thursday Night Football. It's an intra-divisional matchup and favorite Tecmo rivalry of many between one team with a lot to prove, and another that wears pink. For Miami, it's Week One and they're already in a must-win situation if they want to keep pace with Buffalo. For Buffalo, it's Week One which means the probability that there will be a Jamie Mueller-heavy offense is about as high as Marv Levy wearing his 'Bills' crocheted sweatshirt.

Quarter One

Reed stopped at this point and did a quick Irish jig

Buffalo wins the coin toss, so thanks for showing up to the game everyone! For those daring to stick around for the slaughter, you sociopaths probably wouldn't be disappointed by the 52-yard bomb from QB Bills to Andre Reed on the second play of the game for a quick 6-0 lead. Norwood tacks one on.

Buffalo leads 7-0

After a decent return, Miami starts at its own 35 yard line. Don Shula breaks out the Tony Paige offense early with two long runs by Paige to flip the field and get the Fins to the Buffalo 32. After a few short spurts up the middle, Sammie Smith takes his first carry in for a 25-yard touchdown run.

Score tied 7-7

Suddenly this game looks like it may go all four quarters. Although Buffalo scored in just 30 seconds, Miami took three minutes to score, and so you'd better believe QB Bills' arm is freshened up. But just to spite all of his naysayers, Bills uses his even fresher legs to run 25 yards in two carries and currently leads a team including Thurman Thomas in rushing yards. Cliff Odom stuffs QB Bills and the first exciting quarter of the new Tecmo Season comes to a close.

This ball is just ten feet from more
therapy visits

Quarter Two
Buffalo can't convert their third down play to start the quarter, and promptly sends out Mr. Norwood for the 48 yarder. After he misses wide right, he's seen on the sideline signing his new autobiography "Self-Fulfilled Prophecy: The Scott Norwood Story".

Miami continues to utilize the cornerstone of their offense with a few Tony Paige runs into Buffalo territory. When the two Marks, Clayton and Duper, come into the huddle asking if they should just leave their pads in the locker room at halftime, Marino tells them it's a passing play. He then tosses a bomb to Tony Paige for a 45-yard touchdown strike to give Miami its first lead of the game. When they get to the sideline, Marino is massaging Paige's calves and letting him drink from his Gatorade cup.

Miami leads 14-7

With 2:45 left to play in the half, QB Bills gets to work. On the second play of the drive, he hits James Lofton for 33 yards. Lofton fumbles the football, and laughs heartily when three Dolphins players kick it out of bounds. Two plays later, Buffalo is staring at a 3rd and 3 situation, when everyday Thurman bashes into the back of his own offensive line to prompt another Norwood Situation. Norwood is heard assuring his teammates that he's corrected his right-leaning issues by switching his shoes around, and then goes on to hit it wide left from 38. The Miami fans in attendance are seen streaming from the stands to buy out all the remaining Norwood jerseys.

Now he's just insulting us

The Dolphins get the ball back with 1:20 to go in the half, and Marino goes back to the air to hit Ferrell Edmunds and get near midfield. The Buffalo defense isn't too tired from their Norwood mauling to stuff Marino for a 13 yard loss on the next play, and on 3rd and 23 they bat away a meaningless pass. The teams head to the tunnels with Miami up by a shaky-looking touchdown.

Halftime - Miami 14, Buffalo 7

Quarter Three
Marino looks primed and ready to hand the ball off to Tony Paige to start the half. The Bills also look ready, so coach Shula switches it up and tells Marino to pass. When the drive stalls from an incompletion, sack and batted pass, Miami fans are calling for Shula's bright, seafoam green windbreaker.

A huge runback by return specialist Al Edwards has Buffalo at midfield. After a short Thurman run and an incompletion, Jamie Mueller is stopped 1 yard short on 3rd and 2. Marv Levy calls for a punt, but Norwood is already out missing his 59-yard attempt wide left.

From the huddle, Marino is heard calling Paige hand-offs out loud. When Sammie Smith gets the next two handoffs, the Bills remember how cerebral Marino is and they tell each other not to fall for his reverse psychology anymore. Marino shouts 'Tony Paige' in the huddle again, and after breaking the huddle, hands it off to Paige who gains 28 yards while Buffalo lunges for Smith. Just when the Dolphins think they have Buffalo's number, the next two plays consist of Paige losing 3 yards and Marino sacked for 13 from consecutive blitzes. When Nate Odomes steamrolls Marino for another sack, Miami realizes that it went from a 1st and goal situation to slightly out of Stoyanovich range in the span of about 30 seconds. Reggie Roby punts the ball into a Cuban sandwich stand and Buffalo will start from their 20 yard line.

Quarter Four

Andre Reed and his chameleon familiar

Jamie Mueller pulls off his best Paige impersonation by taking three straight hand-offs. While he's able to gain a total of 3 yards, QB Bills goes against popular opinion and on 3rd and 7 connects to a leaping Andre Reed for 38 yards. Two plays (Mueller hand-offs) later, Bills finds Reed in the end zone again, apparently wearing a Dolphins jersey.

Score tied 14-14

With 2:30 remaining, Marc Logan gets the Dolphins into manageable starting position at their own 45-yard line. After another sack by Shane Conlan, Marino instantly gets to his feet and pulls out a steel plate from behind his jersey a la Bret 'The Hitman' Hart while Conlan lays on the field unconscious. He then looks to the nearest television camera and mouths 'Watch This', hitting Mark 'Super' Duper for a 32 yard strike. Three plays and two Tony Paige gut punchers later, Miami has scored with just over a minute remaining.

Miami leads 21-14

With a late fourth-quarter lead in an instrumental intra-divisional game, Shula pulls Pete Stoyanovich aside and tells him to knock a beer vendor on his ass with his kick. Stoyanovich, who failed his vision physical earlier in the preseason, mistakes the midfield referee for a vendor and kicks it in his direction. By the time Al Edwards is tackled, he's at the Miami 43-yard line with exactly one minute for QB Bills to tie this one up.

After exactly ten seconds, QB Bills hooks up with Reed for a 43-yard touchdown and this game is tied.

Take it in, Norwood

Score tied 21-21

Marc Logan takes the ball in the end zone, and surprisingly brings it out for a return. He somehow manages to plod around the field for 45 seconds while the Bills stand around and compare their biceps, and after he is mercifully tackled with no time remaining, this game is going to overtime.


End of Regulation - Miami 21, Buffalo 21





Overtime
Buffalo wins their second coin toss in a row with a 'tails' call, and the only person that's surprised is the official as his coin had 'heads' on both sides.

Norwood takes comfort in knowing this is all
anyone will remember of this game

Although Stoyanovich manages to get the ball into the end zone this time, Al Edwards uses his God-given Japanese programming talent to avoid all 11 Miami special teams members. He gets to midfield, and is only tackled when he stops to take a phone call from his new Hollywood agent. The Buffalo offense marches its way downfield, and when Miami stops them on 3rd and 10, Marino is already stretching his handoff arm on the sideline for when Norwood inevitably shanks this one.

And shanks it he does, but it bounces off the upright in the right direction this time, and Miami escapes this one with the defeat they were looking for when the game started.

Final: Buffalo 24, Miami 21 (OT)


Although Tony Paige tried his best to carry the team both in his sure hands and on his sturdy shoulders, Buffalo takes this one with an onslaught of blitzes, the magnetized receiving of Andre Reed, and the clutch kicking of Scott Norwood. The score may have wound up 24-21, but had Norwood kept his composure this would have been over long before Marc Logan-gate. Once again, Buffalo begins the season on what's sure to be a 13-game winning streak before the always-fluky loss to New York, while Dan Marino is comfortably booking his appearance on the newest 'Hootie and the Blowfish' video.