Week Three: Return to Glory

We stumble into Week 3 with more questions than answers. Who will tear away from the four-way tie in the AFC East? Who on the Philadelphia staff will need a fire extinguisher handy on the sidelines for QB Eagles? And finally, who does Barry Sanders have to kill to get a win around here? (And don’t say Rodney Peete—the sharks in Vegas have dibs on him). The early division leaders are looking for a return to glory, and though it's only Week 3 it's an important time to keep those ugly early season prognosticators (such as myself) at bay.

1:00 Games

A Tom Rathman-led offense, though exciting, rarely wins

Minnesota (1-1) at San Francisco (1-1)

And the questions keep pouring in after the Vikings, with their thus-far impotent offense and as-of-yet non-existent defense, handily defeat the Niners at home. Wade Wilson appallingly throws for 100 more yards than Joe Montana, and the Vikings serve up 17 first downs on a San Francisco team with a lot of explaining to do after dropping two in a row to highly inferior teams. Luckily for them, they reside in the NFC West, home to midget rodeos, Chris Miller, and the entire New Orleans Saints.

Final Score: Vikings 31, 49ers 17

LA Rams (2-0) at New Orleans (0-2)

Also luckily for them, Tecmo and its unhealthy passion for parity lets the searing hot Rams drop a cold turd in New Orleans, losing to a field goal in the final quarter. This may or may not have been an exciting game to watch: May have, because of the combined 669 passing yards, with Dynamite Willie Anderson dragging down 182 while Brent Perriman played catch-up with 158 of his own. May not have, because it was played in the Superdome.

Final Score: Saints 24, Rams 21

Indianapolis (1-1) at LA Raiders (0-2)

This one was about as cringe-worthy as it gets, but the Colts somehow stick it out for all four quarters in the absence of Albert Bentley and pull away at the end with a touchdown. If it’s any consolation to the Raiders, Bo Jackson did come to play with 102 rushing yards on the day. Jay Schroeder, on the other hand, came to only complete 44% of his passes and throw up a couple of picks, prompting any sane sportswriter to mention that at least he accomplished putting his jersey on the right way this morning.

Final Score: Colts 21, Raiders 17

NY Giants (0-2) at Chicago (1-1)

The Giants continue their free-fall here with a loss in Chicago to the slightly non-threatening Bears. Neal Anderson was back in business with a respectable 92 yards rushing. Phil Simms and his shades of Jay Schroeder were the death knell of his squad, with only a 30% completion rate and 2 picks, and somewhere along the New Jersey turnpike fans are constructing ‘Hoss or Bust’ billboards, rife with suggestive mustache poses.

Final Score: Bears 27, Giants 10

Stripes v. Skins: The age-old battle

Cincinnati (1-1) at Cleveland (1-1)

The first in a series titled “The Battle for Ohio”, or, for us non-natives, “The Battle of Boomer’s Bulge” did not provide many exciting storylines at this juncture, but there were some exciting statistics. James Brooks tried his best to keep the Bengals from bungling this one with 129 rushing yards, but QB Browns was slightly sharper with 339 yards passing and no interceptions. Reggie Langhorne helped his boss keep his job with 138 yards receiving and a few TDs, and Cleveland keeps pace with Warren Moon’s flashy smile.

Final Score: Browns 34, Bengals 23

Houston (2-0) at Kansas City (2-0)

The Oilers skirted past the undefeated Chiefs with 13 unanswered 4^th quarter points, and by skirted we mean they made Kansas City look like a bunch of little girls. Warren Moon was his prolific self, but the Oilers ground game showed some flaws with a total of 22 yards rushing. However, when Barry Word is the leading receiver on the opposing team with 65 yards, it all of a sudden looks like a minor first-world problem.

Final Score: Oilers 27, Chiefs 21

Close your eyes and say 'Steve Grogan v. Bubby Brister'
Now open them. Yes, you're still in the same dimension

New England (0-2) at Pittsburgh (1-1)

Pittsburgh, the heroes of last week’s Bills-thumping, drop one here to the winless Patriots of New England. Bubby Brister fought toe-to-toe with Steve Grogan, and if you need to re-read that sentence I’ll give you a minute while I make a sandwich. Now that I’m back, I’ll explain that Grogan was playing over his head with 259 yards passing and completing 81% of his passes with no picks. Let me be the first to jump on this bandwagon; don’t worry, there’ll still be room for a few more years.

Final Score: Patriots 28, Steelers 24

Green Bay (1-1) at Tampa Bay (1-1)

The Packers had a chance to keep their momentum, and luckily for them they drew a Buccaneers squad that didn’t feel like winning twice in a row. Green Bay had 165 yards on the ground and converted 19 first downs. Tampa Bay hosted two back-to-back retirement parties at the Seaside Lodge and Casino. So if you had any questions as to Vinny Testaverde’s whereabouts, that should answer it for you.

Final Score: Packers 36, Buccaneers 28

4:00 Games

San Diego (2-0) at Atlanta (0-2)

San Diego’s leading performers were Anthony Miller and his 139 receiving yards and Quinn Early with 51 rushing yards. While Atlanta can claim a small victory in keeping Marion Butts quiet, the fact that their leading performers were somehow 50 yards shy in both aspects of the game usually means the season is pack-in-able at this point. The Chargers move temporarily into 1^st place, and already BJ Tolliver is popping bottles and making it rain in the team’s locker room.

Final Score: Chargers 21, Falcons 17

Buffalo (1-1) at NY Jets (1-1)

The first place tie atop the AFC East is broken by the Bills’ comeback tour, starting in New York and rifling its way across the entire United States and parts of Southeast Asia. Buffalo scores in the last quarter to the despair of Jets fans and sheer rage and shoulder-shrugging ‘what-else-is-new’ sentiment of every Tecmo enthusiast. There’s no need to go into the menial stats of this game; all that needs to be mentioned is that QB Bills isn’t really that bad of a guy once you get to know him.

Final Score: Bills 24, Jets 17

The Comeback Kids pour it on, and the flavor's 'Extra Bold'

Philadelphia (2-0) at Dallas (1-1)

The 4^th quarter comeback by Dallas will be something that’s spoken about when talking about their history for the next two years, until they win three Superbowls and nobody cares any longer that their 17 unanswered points in a Week 3 game was a big deal. But right now, it is, and maybe the even bigger deal is that Keith Byars led the Eagles’ ground game with only 32 yards. Question marks surround the health of QB Eagles in this game, until one realizes he was at Hee Haw’s BBQ until four in the A.M.

Final score: Cowboys 24, Eagles 21

Miami (1-1) at Detroit (0-2)

The ‘Phins keep pace with Buffalo in the East after a predictable win over the forlorn Lions of Detroit. Barry Sanders is held to only 38 yards rushing, but most of that may be related to a bad case of apathy that usually sets in throughout the Motor City by this point in the season. Rodney Peete does manage to throw for a respectable 210 yards, but the Miami ground game ran up and down the field on Detroit for 170 yards. Detroit can take solace in the fact that Tigers’ pitchers and catchers report in just 5 months.

Final Score: Dolphins 34, Lions 21

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Tonight we'll bookend an exciting day of flavorful football with a clash between two quarterbacks that were no doubt covering thousands of teenage girls bedroom walls in the 90s. It'll take a whole barrage of Bronco offense to unseat the division leaders and the old defensive benchmarks in the Seahawks, but if anyone's up to the task it's the ol' Buckin' Bronco himself, John Elway. It's an AFC West showdown with somewhat important implications for how the end may play out, which is sure to be just as wild as the west itself once was, before Derrick Fenner was given a football team to play for.

Suave has a name: Krieg.

Hee-haw!!