Monday Night Football: Houston vs. Washington

It's a battle for continued Tecmo dominance, but Houston's showing a steadiness the Redskins' defensive line can only hope to grope for. Mark Rypien was one of the better quarterbacks early on in the year, but Warren Moon has more than surpassed him, both statistically and debonaire-ally. With a win, the Oilers move up to the top shelf of the AFC, and further separate themselves from their sick little brothers in their division. Washington tells a different tale, as a win puts them in sole possession of first in the NFC East, but a loss can make playoff calculating more of a task than third-year trigonometry. They meet in the nation's capital for an inter-conference battle with Tecmo Bowl implications. Who wants it more? We're not totally sure, but we have heard whispers about a former member of the dreaded Bermuda Triangle sniffing another NFL title. After all, going into somewhere and not coming back out sounds a lot like Houston's perennial playoff funk.


Quarter One

Not even using that weird "MAN-EMPTY AIR" hack

Although unpredictability is Houston's modus operandi, they go against their nature and elect to receive. Gerald McNeil sludges his way to the Oilers 39-yard line, where Warren Moon is acquainted with Washington's Darryl Grant on the first play from scrimmage for a loss of 9 yards. Moon shakes it off, flashes a smile at the sidelines for a quick $600 bucks, and throws a 70-yard touchdown to a very understatedly wide-open Drew Hill. Darryl Grant goes back to the sidelines a now jaded and bitter old man.

Houston leads 7-0

From his own end zone, Brian Mitchell bobs and weaves out to the Washington 25-yard line. Mark Rypien throws a laser shot to Ricky Sanders about 20 yards away, but he trips two defenders with his size 17 shoes and lugs all the way to the Houston 17-yard line. A Gary Clark reverse is good for 2 yards and three minutes off the clock, while Earnest Byner takes off another minute with a 14-yard scamper into the end zone.
Score tied 7-7

Mr. McNeil uses his swift stork legs to get out to the Houston 25-yard line. Moon gets his obligatory 'Moon Sneak' play in for a yard, followed by the obligatory pass to Haywood Jeffries who surprisingly can't pull it down. On 3rd and 9, Lorenzo White takes the direct snap but is stuffed after only 2 yards.

Greg Montgomery gets some good hang time with a punt to the Washington 16-yard line, and the Redskins will take over at the turn of the next quarter.

Quarter Two
Rypien's first pass from scrimmage is blocked. Byner takes the ball around the left side for 2 yards. It's 3rd and 8 and the only person that's surprised when Byner zig-zags for 21 yards is my dog, who's strangely mistaken Byner for a squirrel and is barking at the screen. Rypien scrambles himself, but is less successful with only a 3 yard gain. The Redskins go with play-action, but Rypien's dinner plate misses a wide-open Byner by about 8 yards. On 3rd and 7, Byner makes the unselfish decision to only gain 2 and the 'Skins are punting.

The Oilers take possession at their own 20-yard line after Kelly Goodburn gives the football a rug-burn in one of the luxury suites. Lorenzo White takes the ball for 2 yards, while Moon tacks on another 4 with a scramble. On 3rd and 4, a pass to Drew Hill isn't just caught in coverage, it's absorbed at the Redskins' 43-yard line. White lulls the Redskins to sleep on the next play with a 2-yard run, opening Moon up to hit Curtis Duncan, who outraces the entire Washington defense 41 yards for another Houston touchdown.

Houston leads 14-7

He's not 'Monk'-eying around! (Okay, so I lost my
picture caption notes...)

Brian Mitchell, the one who's not a politician or news reporter, carries a poor Zendejas kick into Houston territory at the 45-yard line. Gary Clark bobbles and loses a rare pass, and so Rypien goes the other way to Art Monk for a sure 45-yard touchdown. This one's heating up faster than one of Chip Lohmiller's famous grilled cheese sandwiches.

Score tied 14-14
The Oilers get one play off before the half, and it's a pass to Hill that he surprisingly doesn't pull in, despite having the advantage of having two men hanging off of him.

Halftime - Oilers 14, Redskins 14

Quarter Three
Mitchell is the recipient of a second-half kick, and he's able to carry the ball from the 2 to the 24-yard line for Washington. Rypien wisely goes to Byner on first down, but it's unwisely overthrown to a Houston defender and Rypien's continuing a trend that looked almost impossible at the start of the season.

The Oilers take over at their own 42-yard line, where White is also stuffed on the first play. Moon goes to his man in Drew Hill, but the pass is blocked. Like the stubborn, cranky old man he is, he goes back to Hill, and is rewarded with a 58-yard catch-and-run touchdown. Meanwhile, Washington is wondering why they decided to triple-cover Don Warren on that particular play.

Houston leads 21-14

Thanks for the help, dismembered arms on the 3

Mitchell gives the Redskins another chance at their own 14-yard line. Rypien is sacked twice afterwards, both by Sean Jones, and he avoids a safety by the length of a Canadian inch (called a 'centimeter' for you non-worldly basement dwellers). On 3rd and 24, however, Byner gift-wraps the safety on Rypien's behalf, and the Oilers get the ball back.

Houston leads 23-14

McNeil takes the ball out to the 29-yard line to start the drive. White gets the ball twice, but can only net 4 yards and the Oilers are suddenly facing 3rd and 6. White saves time by taking the direct snap, and it pays off when he runs 24 yards into Washington territory. Moon takes the snap on the next two plays, but loses a total of 13 yards when Wilber Marshall and Tracy Rocker send him crashing to earth. Facing 3rd-and 24, Moon tries to redeem himself with a sneak up the middle, but can't get back into Washington territory and the 'Skins will be getting the ball back right before the fourth quarter.

Mitchell starts his team right on the 20-yard line, and Byner gets three yards as the clock winds out with Washington down by 10.

Quarter Four
Byner starts the quarter how he ended the last with a 3-yard trot. On 3rd-and-4, Rypien goes the other way with a sack, and his pass to Art Monk on 4th-and-9 from his own 22-yard line is harmlessly batted away.

Houston continues to hoard their gifts as they begin their drive deep in Redskins' territory. Tracy Rocker gains some yards for Washington when he sacks Moon for 9 yards, but Moon gets it back with a pass to Jeffries. On 3rd and 10, Moon sees pressure coming his way and lobs it behind him to White. Suddenly, Zendejas is kicking a field goal attempt from 38 yards, and it goes wide left to give Washington new life.

Rypien gets to work fast with a huge lob to Sanders that goes from the Washington 21-yard line to the Houston 12 in a matter of eight seconds. Byner gets the ball on first down, but Al Smith hits him at about 28 miles per hour, grinding him into yellow and maroon dust. Rypien logically overthrows Monk in the back of the end zone, just so that he can hit him wide open on the next play for a 12-yard touchdown to put the 'Skins within two.

Houston leads 23-21

Not to be confused with the kind of blocking Ernest Givins
will be doing to Lorenzo White at the hotel tonight

Lohmiller gets involved in the Houston effort by only getting his kick to the 25-yard line, to which McNeil returns 21 yards near midfield. With 1:37 to go, White takes the ball for a conservative 1-yard run. 13 seconds later, White gains another 6, and Washington quickly takes its last time out with 1:10 to go. Needing the stop, the Redskins defense drops back when they see Moon in the gun. His pass to Hill is fortunately blocked, and suddenly RFK Stadium is falling apart faster than Congress as Washington will be getting the ball back with an entire fifty seconds left on the clock.

Montgomery goes for hang time over distance, but gets both when his punt goes for a touchback and takes 21 seconds off the clock. With 29 seconds left and needing to practically flip the field, Rypien goes with play action and is sacked by John Grimsley, effectively sealing it for Houston. With only 12 seconds left and no time-outs to stop the clock, Rypien drops back looking for Hail Mary mother of Grace. But since he missed church yesterday, the out of bounds paint keeps moving further away as he heads towards it, while the sands of time drop away.

Final: Oilers 23, Redskins 21

Another bull shit win on a bull shit safety for the Oilers, and pardon my snooty foreign language usage, but I can only watch Houston go into the playoffs so many times on wins like this before I smash some cupcake on my computer monitor. Luckily, the Redskins loss came with a fun scenario in the NFC East, the one thing I've written about more than Cortez Kennedy's remarkable thighs, therefore keeping both cupcake and monitor safe for another night. With a slightly better game, Rypien could have carried his team to a win, but it's hard to out-do the out-doable in Warren Moon. And while I didn't pick this game to watch a running battle between Lorenzo White and Earnest Byner, I of course wasn't let down by their magnificent display of ineptitude. So why did I pick this game? Oh, I don't know. Probably because I knew there'd be a lot of sky blue font, which happens to be one of my favorite colors.