Monday Night Football: Phoenix vs. L.A. Rams

For every Lawrence Taylor, there's bound to be a Jock Jones. And as such, in Tecmo, for every down and dirty, nitty-gritty defensive struggle, there's bound to be games like tonight's contest between the Rams and Cardinals. A combined 4-12 (with the Rams holding each of those 4 wins), this game will pit the very dredges of Tecmodom against each other in a battle for will, while its audience battles its own gag reflex. With the Rams tumbling down from their status as division champions last year and Phoenix yet to win a game despite being in a weaker division, there's no telling what will come out on the other side of tonight's digestive tract of a showdown. With defenses that can sleep through a plane crash and two quarterbacks more inconsistent than your wife's mood swings, we're either in for a bedtime story or a natural disaster. Take your pick; we'll go with the one that includes a restful night's sleep.

Quarter One
A short kick to Phoenix's return man Johnny Bailey sets the Cardinals up at their own 43-yard line to start this one off. Instead of leaving the field, however, Bailey lines up in the I-formation behind the venerable Chris Chandler, who fakes the handoff to Bailey and takes the ball on his own for 14 yards. The same play is called on the next set of downs, though this time Chandler opts to throw and finds tight end Butch Rolle for just their first connection all season. This one is good for 26 more yards, and from there, Chandler looks toward the sure hands of Bailey in the end zone. Unfortunately, Chandler's own hands were a little less than sure when the ball sails into a cart of Cuban sandwiches behind section ZZ.

The patented Proehl reverse is good for an absolute zero yards, and so on third down, Phoenix makes things even more complicated by adding in one more step to the reverse with a modified flea flicker that winds up blocked in the back of the end zone. The unpredictable Greg Davis is out to kick in a chip shot from 33, though the ball never had a chance as it careens off the left upright and into the waiting arms of some angry bookies.

Rams' quarterback Jim Everett goes big, though Flipper Anderson can't take him home when the long ball is broken up. On second down, Everett goes to another capable receiver in tight end Jim Price, though the decision to throw to the only covered guy on the field proves not as fruitful as Jim had hoped. On 3rd down, the Rams exhibit their ground game behind the dynamic Tim Lester, though his first national appearance is a bust when he's 2 yards short of the 10 needed for a first down. Don Bracken!

Johnny Bailey is pinned at his own 8-yard line this time with Bracken's expertly placed punt. On the first play of a new drive, Chandler finds Prime Time Butch Rolle once again, this time for 38 yards after Rolle is able to throw off some would-be tacklers. Kevin Greene brings the blitz on the next set of downs, knocking Chandler back 11 yards, though the unfazed Everett, Washington Warrior comes back and finds a wide open Randal Hill in stride for a 73-yard score.

Phoenix leads 7-0

Quarter Two
Greg Davis, perhaps on a bit of a rush after converting the extra point, whiffs his kickoff to Vernon Turner who returns it to the 45-yard line for the Rams. Cleveland Gary gets his first carry, though he's anything but scary with 5 yards as he tarries. Jim Price picks up the slack with a 16-yard reception, though the drive stalls for a bit with Everett's passes struggling to get over the line of scrimmage. Facing a 3rd-and-10 situation, Everett finds the loyal Tim Lester in the flat, who uses his bionic legs to outrun the defenders for a game-tying touchdown.

Score tied 7-7

Johnny Bailey fights for all he's worth just to get to the Cardinals' 35-yard line, and we'll see what kind of mettle Phoenix is made up of as they try to answer the blow to their momentum. Bailey is fed the ball on first down, though his dizziness from his whirlwind return keeps him from passing through his own right tackle's behind and he's taken down for no gain. The always underrated and never overstated Ricky Proehl makes one of his famous in-coverage catches on second down at the Los Angeles 28-yard line, which is followed right up with the MVP of Mrs. Chandler's household lacing his throw just over the fingers of a Rams defender into the waiting arms of Hill, who runs it in for his second touchdown of the game.

Phoenix leads 14-7

Turner the kick returner can't turn the corner, and is felled just shades in front of his own team's end zone. Though Phoenix predictably brings the blitz, Everett can't scramble hard enough and is taken down by none other than the only man on the field named after a piece of sportswear, Jock Jones, for a safety.

Phoenix leads 16-7

Bailey continues to work for yards, returning the ensuing kickoff to the Cardinals' 42-yard line. With the clock winding down, Phoenix scrambles for any added points to drive into the blue and yellow hearts of Los Angeles, though it doesn't start well when the Rams' front seven plows through and takes Bailey down for a loss of 4. Coach Joe Bugel reaches down deep into his bag of tricks and calls the Ricky Proehl reverse and, perhaps not believing such a call would ever be picked at this juncture in the game, the Rams are fooled, letting Proehl run all over the field for 55 yards to the Los Angeles 8 yard line, wiping all but 3 seconds left on the clock. Once again playing the game of chance, Coach Bugel sends Davis out to try from 25 yards instead of going with the odds, though Davis does manage to squeak it in to add to Phoenix's lead before the half.

Phoenix leads 19-7

Halftime - Cardinals 19, Rams 7

Quarter Three

Turner once again fails to bring the ball out past the 20-yard line, giving the Rams yet another short field to work with. The Cardinals bring the blitz on first down, muddying Everett 8 yards back to extend the field. Taking a break on second down, Jim hands it off to Lester who can't erase the deficit with just a 6-yard carry. On 3rd-and-12, Everett manages to save the drive with a pass to Hank Ellard, who brings it down at the Los Angeles 45-yard line. The visionary Rams team runs the exact same play, once again to a rousing success with another catch from Ellard for 36 yards. Lester tacks on 4 more yards to break up the excitement, which is joined in progress with Everett choosing Ellard out of his 3 open receivers to score the touchdown and close the gap.

Phoenix leads 19-14

Tony Zendejas pins Bailey deep on the kick to keep his team's momentum going, starting Phoenix at their own 7-yard line. Bailey responds with his first breakaway run of the day, charging straight up the middle for 36 yards. Kevin Greene gets his second inspired sack of the day, extending the down another 10 yards, though the Cardinals mockingly answer with a Proehl reverse that goes for 31 yards to the Los Angeles 36-yard line. Chandler finds Hill on the next play, who knocks three Rams defenders to their knees with his divine reception abilities, and proceeds to run it in for their third touchdown connection of the evening.

Phoenix leads 26-14

Turner takes advantage of a bad Greg Davis kick to give his Rams a starting shot at their 42-yard line, though a Ken Harvey sack of a defeated Chris Everett knocks them back around the 30. The third quarter comes to a close with the Rams converting the first down, however, as Everett finds Flipper open at the Phoenix 31-yard line.

Quarter Four
And just as Sunday morning brings with it the hopelessness of understanding the unconscious, Crisco-covered donkey in your bed, so does a new quarter bring with it the hopelessness of the Rams' offense as the sure-handed Tim Lester coughs the ball up to Aeneas Williams just as Los Angeles hoped to keep this one close.

Chandler's pass to the well that is Randal Hill comes up empty as it's batted away, though on a second attempt, he finds that there's still something lurking in the muck of the Rams' secondary with a Hill reception at the Los Angeles 44-yard line. Proehl can't pull it down on the next play, most likely because he's wide open, so Chandler tries it again on second down with two men all over Ricky. This time, he brings it in for a gain of 24 yards as Phoenix prepares to iron out their first win just ten weeks into the season. With Chandler scrambling for 12 yards and finding Proehl open in the end zone on the next play, it appears their outlook on the last half of the season will be wrinkle-free.

Phoenix leads 33-14

Starting from their own 23-yard line and looking for the all-important dignity points, Everett gets his crew started on a positive note by cowering away and letting Lester scramble for 7 yards. A lateral pass to Cleveland Gary is batted away on second down, though on the third of their four downs, Gary manages to convert with a 6 yard scamper up the middle. Lester runs once more for 13 yards, though it's probably the catch and run to the Phoenix 12-yard line that truly proves the Cardinals are already packing the bus up. Aeneas Williams delays the inevitable garbage touchdown with a sack of Everett. With 25 seconds remaining, Everett lobs it to Gary who chooses not to be tackled at the 5-yard line until Coach Knox is literally out on the field pushing him over. With just 5 seconds remaining, Everett finds Gary in the end zone to cover the spread and send us all to bed with every intention of mind-wiping that last drive from our memories.

Phoenix leads 33-21

Final: Cardinals 33, Rams 21

Phoenix played at about the same temperature as their city in August, with Chandler taking advantage of a 27th-ranked pass defense and going off for four touchdowns, three going to game MVP and hotel key displayer Randal Hill. The Cardinals win their first game of the season with the bright lights of The Tecmo Bowl shining on them, and if they continue to play with this much excitement and ferocity, we may honor their claims to the next six Monday Night games. Meanwhile, Los Angeles can't capitalize on playing a winless team to keep their fading hopes alive at contending in their very top-heavy division, and must sulk back to below .500 where they will inevitably stay as long as their defense doesn't undertake a massive overhaul. All told, we were proud to display this contest between two nomadic teams that will eventually call the same division home. Perhaps one day, they'll even have a quarterback to lead them to the big game. Though that's about as big a pipe dream as the one currently residing in Freddie Joe Nunn's vacuous skull.