1:00 Games
Pittsburgh (1-0) * N.Y. Jets (0-1)
The Jets averaged about 10 yards per run over 15 rushes while their defense held Barry Foster to only 53 yards on 7 carries. Perhaps in even stranger news, Browning Nagle makes the mysterious start for the New York Football Jets and, despite his inferior performance to the steady hand of Neil O'Donnell, the Jets were one Cary Blanchard field goal better. The Steelers are left with a bad taste in their mouth after last week's heroic performance, though the team is still trying to figure out if it's actually due to the halal cart they hit up before the game.
Final Score: Jets 24, Steelers 21
Buffalo (1-0) * San Francisco (1-0)
In
what was advertised as the premier match-up of early Sunday games,
neither team lived up to the hype. Only one team left undefeated, though
the other would not leave as only losers after this snoozer was over
with. San Francisco takes this one, even with Tom Rathman only charging
for 21 yards on 9 carries. Thankfully, Jim Kelly's loss was their gain,
as he never looked comfortable in his own Zubaz. Kelly only completed 50
yards worth (including one 42-yard reception to James Lofton) while
chucking up 2 interceptions, and now the Bills appear to be looking
backward more than ahead.
Cincinnati (1-0) * L.A. Raiders (1-0)
Jay Schroeder couldn't hide behind the ineptitude of a one John Elway this week, and was exposed for the horrible quarterback and even worse Rogaine spokesperson we all knew him to be. His four interceptions buried the Raiders early, while also burying Boomer's under-performing stat line of 128 yards with 2 interceptions to 1 touchdown. The Bengals escape with the win nonetheless, while Schroeder goes back to sitting by his phone and waiting for the call from Doug Williams to play a round of mini golf.
Final Score: Bengals 23, Raiders 7
Washington (1-0) * Atlanta (1-0)
The Atlanta Falcons score 7 points in the 4th quarter to remain undefeated for the first time this season. Steven Broussard goes out with an undisclosed injury, prompting his quarterback to come unglued for 251 yards passing. The Redskins are quieted for the time being in their quest for a repeat, due in large part to their star receiving corps being underused by an aging and easily angered Mark Rypien. In fact, right after the game, Rypien was seen raising his voice when told it was spaghetti again this week.
Final Score: Falcons 19, Redskins 17
Tampa Bay (1-0) * Green Bay (0-1)
The Creamsicle Warriors entered the game the underdogs despite being ahead in the rankings, until Green Bay's Brett Favre came along with his perfect performance to knot them up in the NFC Central division. Favre threw 328 yards with no incompletions, 164 of those to Jackie Harris. The eyes of the football nation center in on the small town in Wisconsin, where, for the first time since Bart Starr and Fuzzy Thurston, the Packers are showing signs of life.
Final Score: Packers 33, Buccaneers 24
Detroit (0-1) * Minnesota (1-0)
Detroit won this one, that is, in terms of inducing injuries to star players. Roger Craig is knocked flat out in the course of the Vikings' win over the Lions, though even on a stretcher he gained more yardage than Barry Sanders and his 25 yards on 9 carries. With their starting rusher out, Rich Gannon's 40% completion rate and 113 yards tossing were exposed, leading many to believe there were no real winners in this contest after all. Though that's only if you disregard second-round pick Jason Hanson's 2 perfectly converted field goals.
Final Score: Vikings 20, Lions 6
Miami (0-0) * Cleveland (0-1)
The Dolphins could have spent another week on bye and still pulled out a victory over Mike Tomczak's insulting 79 passing yards and 3 interceptions. The Dolphins don't necessarily make a splash in their season debut, but do enough to take a victory over the hapless Brownies. Cleveland did show some shades of hope in their running game with Leroy "All Aboard" Hoard going off for 104 yards on 11 carries, but as long as Tomczak keeps throwing for more yards to the other team, the Browns are in for many long train rides home.
Final Score: Dolphins 21, Browns 7
Houston (0-1) * Indianapolis (1-0)
Despite an underwhelming victory over the Browns last week, we still picked the Colts to win in our early upset of the week. Jeff George and his rag-tag group of misfits didn't disappoint, as he tossed 378 yards at an efficient 71% rate. Jessie Hester quickly became the league's leading receiver by pulling in 10 catches for 278 yards and causing many Monday morning regrets for fantasy owners. Warren Moon was equally as impressive with 348 passing yards, though that won't exempt him from wearing the goat costume for being out-thrown by George.
Final Score: Colts 30, Oilers 28
L.A. Rams (0-1) * New England (0-0)
Though the Patriots had yet to play a game, they still came in ahead of the Rams in the standings. They wouldn't leave that way, however, due in equal parts to their 17 total rushing yards and the fact that they have Hugh Millen lined up behind center. Millen still out-tossed normally proficient Jim Everett, however, as the Rams continued to grow their wounds even in the win. Neither team really has a bright future in this Tecmo season; however, they'll both continue to exist afterward. The same won't be said for our dear old friend, Pat the Patriot, who only gets to languish for one more year.
Final Score: Rams 26, Patriots 21
4:00 Games
Denver (0-1) * San Diego (1-0)
The Chargers continue their division-slaying quest against Denver, destroying the bumbling Broncos on both sides of the ball. Stan Humphries continues to shine in his starting role, throwing 271 yards with a 78% completion rate. John Elway, on the other hand, finished Week Two with a 32.5 quarterback rating thanks to 3 more interceptions to add to his two-game total of seven. Miami continued to look pretty far away, with Reggie Rivers' 22 yards rushing prompting Denver ownership to try and convince the Dolphins that they still have a chance to send Bobby Humphrey back, receipt or not.
Final Score: Chargers 35, Broncos 20
New Orleans (1-0) * Chicago (1-0)
Though both teams entered the game with a win, they each appeared headed in separate directions when the season began. The Saints of New Orleans created a bit more of a gap between the two by scoring 44 more points than Chicago behind another strong performance from Bobby Hebert. The Cajun Cannon connected with his receivers for 305 yards, making Jim Harbaugh's 125 yards look cute in comparison, and the suddenly scary Saints are now leading the pack in the NFC West with both a 54-point differential in 2 games and in the battle of USFL heavyweights.
Final Score: Saints 47, Bears 3
Dallas (0-1) * N.Y. Giants (0-1)
Dallas bounces back with a win in this intra-divisional battle, stomping out the smokeless Giants despite their loss of Emmitt Smith. Troy Aikman was effective with 259 passing yards, while Jeff Hostetler was convincingly not behind 145 yards and 3 picks. New York continues to tumble down the ladder of greatness after their quick exit from the playoffs last year, while Dallas takes advantage of a division where no team remains undefeated. It's going to be a battle down to the wire for the crown once again, though the Giants will only be involved when determining which other team spanked them the hardest.
Final Score: Cowboys 35, Giants 17
Philadelphia (0-1) * Phoenix (0-1)
Our late-game upset of the week didn't quite pan out so well, with the Eagles taking out their frustrations from last week on a poor, literally defenseless Phoenix Cardinals team. They suffered a casualty in Herschel Walker, though Randall Cunningham more than made up for his absence with 89 rushing yards on 8 carries. His 63 passing yards left something to be desired, like the 241 put up by Chris Chandler, though we think Cunningham would take the 'W' over having to wake up each morning remembering that you're Chris Chandler.
Final Score: Eagles 31, Cardinals 21
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In our earliest Wednesday Night Football game ever, the AFC West gets some love as the Chiefs of Kansas City confront the Seattle Seahawks. Dave Krieg will play his old team for the first time, and so his knack for throwing to the wrong squad may turn out in his favor should he suffer flashbacks. Much like a grizzled war vet, it will be hard for Krieg to adapt to life outside the cold, dark Northwest, so this contest may turn out to be a low-scoring affair. At least, that's what we'll attribute it to even in the midst of crap play from both Krieg and his successor, "Stone Hand Stan" Gelbaugh.
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