Monday Night Football: Minnesota vs. Cincinnati

With both teams poised at the precipice of perfection, the Vikings and Bengals are sure to bring their A-game tonight. For Minnesota, that includes their third-ranked rush defense, while Cincinnati is ready to release the pit bull that is Derrick Fenner. It'll be the Vikings' biggest test since Barry Sanders in Week 2, something we never thought we'd be saying about the Fenner Bender at the beginning of the season. Like we said before, getting to 3-0 can be a cakewalk for any team, what with upsets and fluke wins always a part of the game. Getting to 4-0 is the real test, and tonight only one team will pass while the other will go back to obscurity inside their own respective division. With the Oilers surging in the AFC Central, that would be a worst-case scenario for Cincinnati. Ask Vikings' fans if they're comfortable with the rising rookie in Green Bay, and they may turn a different shade of purple. Either way, we're excited to document this important early season game for you, and with our filler running out let's say we just get into it.

Quarter One
Eric Ball is the returner for the Bengals this evening, and he gets his team a decent starting position at their own 37-yard line. Cincinnati comes out challenging the Vikings' defense early with two straight pitches to Fenner which net 9 1/2 yards. Fenner converts the first down, but that's all he'll get this drive when Boomer Esiason tries to change things up and gets picked in the end zone on his dead duck pass to Carl Pickens.

Faking the famed Carter reverse, a play made popular by the Mauritania Mourabitounes national football squad, Terry Allen rushes for 23 yards. On the next play, the Mauritanians lift their chins in pride when the Carter reverse is actually called and goes for another 1st down. Winded from his minute-long run, Cris takes the bench while Anthony, no relation despite having the same Ivory Coast-shaped birthmark, heads out on the field and immediately pulls in a criminally wide-open 47-yard pass from Rich Gannon for the first score of the game. That's two French colony references for you geography nuts out there (and I know you're out there).

Minnesota leads 7-0

Cincinnati starts at their own 40 on the next drive. Future Carl Ekern "Spirit of the Game" Award winner Harold Green, also having a stellar season in his breakout year, takes the ball for 8 yards and is immediately injured by the spiteful and unsympathetic Vikings defense. Fenner picks up the first down, and fearing for his own safety takes the bench on the next play to give Eric Ball his first chance to carry the...rock. Ball plods slowly but gets 9 yards, 3 of which are erased on the next play after Chris Doleman readjusts his infrared on the newest Bengals' ballcarrier. On 3rd and 4, Ball caps off his first drive as a rusher in professional football by finding out what Doleman had for dinner.

Quarter Two
After a Lee Johnson punt that goes for a touchback, the Vikings start their next drive handing the ball off to Allen who is quickly becoming entrenched in Dave Shula's next nightmare. Allen carts around the Bengals' defense for 15 yards, waking them up for the next three plays which see a batted pass, a reunion of Allen's face with the turf, and Rich Gannon using his wheels to pick up 4 yards on a 3rd-and-17 play.

Standout rookie Carl Pickens operates with the ball for the first time in the game on a punt return. He's only upright long enough to see 19 yards, and when Ray Berry smothers Esiason for a loss of 13 on the next play, the Bengals suddenly find themselves dangerously close to the next Shula aneurysm. On a shotgun play that sees Esiason leaning up against the goal post, the ball is lobbed up to a wide open Pickens for a huge 79-yard gain. Ball nets a negatively impressive minus-3 yards on the next two plays, and when Berry swallows up a second helping of Esiason, Cincinnati is forced to settle for a Jim Breech 32-yarder. Unfortunately, they'll have to settle for Jim Breech minus the three points when his kick sails wide left.

Cris Carter, the second leading rusher on the team, nabs another 22 yards when the Carter reverse baffles Cincinnati once more. Roger Craig, the third leading rusher, is welcomed back from injury by a wall of Bengals' defenders. Allen completes the trifecta that is the vaunted Vikings' rushing attack with a 22 yard burst to the Cincinnati 30-yard line. Craig earns another week with the squad with a 23-yard catch-and-run to the 6, where Allen runs from to score with just 34 seconds left in the half.

Minnesota leads 14-0

Halftime - Vikings 14, Bengals 0

Quarter Three
Breech delivers a full power kick to the always-dangerous Darrin Nelson, who's only able to bring it out to the Minnesota 14-yard line. Anthony Carter doubles that on his second reception of the game, and two plays later nabs his third, a 35-yard connection to get them inside the scoring threshold once again. A flea flicker to Allen is courageously blocked by the Bengals' secondary, but his third fake reverse once again stuns them for a gain of 25 yards to the Cincinnati 7-yard line. They get away with two straight misfires to each of the Carters, leading to a 3rd-and-goal situation. Sucking up their stripes, the Bengals hold tough on another heart-stopping flea flicker to Carter, Anthony, batting it away at the last moment. Fuad Reveiz is on to give some fans between the uprights an all-expenses paid trip to the team dentists' office.

Minnesota leads 17-0

From his own 35-yard line, Esiason dodges a sack and connects with Pickens for 36 yards to get inside the Vikings' 30. From the shotgun formation, Esiason overthrows Pickens in the back of the end zone. Carlos Jenkins scavenges Eric Ball and Boomer for parts on the next two plays, eliciting another Breech appearance. This time, his kick is on target from 54 yards, allowing new owner Mike Brown to release one of Breech's children back to his father.

Minnesota leads 17-3

Enough time remains on the clock for Darrin Nelson to both return the Breech kickoff 68 yards and impregnate three nubile young women, while still having enough time to compliment the head referee's new cleats.

Quarter Four
Thanks in part to Nelson's stellar return and Gannon's resilience, the flea flicker survives another entry in the record books with a 22-yard touchdown connection to Anthony Carter.

Minnesota leads 24-3

Ball gets the Bengals' their best starting position of the day at the Cincinnati 44-yard line. The product of Esiason's scolding on the sidelines from Coach Shula is realized when Fenner is fed the ball on the next four plays. He totals 53 yards, but that's all that'll stay on his stat sheet after the game when Eric Ball is sent out to scrape up the final three for the Bengals' first touchdown of the game, amending his stat sheet to now include 6 total yards and a score.

Minnesota leads 24-10

Allen scoops up the onside Breech kick at the Cincinnati 48-yard line. Steve Jordan catches his first ball of the year at the 41, making the most of it with a sweet, sweet run to paydirt. The Bengals are suddenly the loneliest men on the field.

Minnesota leads 31-10

Just for 'kicks', a full-power Reveiz boot pins the Bengals at their own 7-yard line. Esiason finishes the game with two blocked passes and a 20-yard run in true Boomer fashion.

Final: Vikings 31, Bengals 10

To the winners go the spoils, and so the Vikings spoil a 'perfect' opportunity for Cincinnati and leave as only the second undefeated team, alongside the 49ers of San Francisco. The power players were in full force for Minnesota, from special teams star Darrin Nelson, to the defensive efforts of Doleman and Berry, to Allen, Carter and his other brother (not actually) Carter. Even Rich Gannon was effective in his mediocrity, successfully averaging 33% on his three flicked fleas. Derrick Fenner was obviously underutilized, a factor that can be blamed on both Coach Shula and Boomer's eternal pout. This wasn't more obvious than during the Bengals' final meaningful drive, which Fenner single-handedly constructed for their only touchdown. Cincinnati has a week to regroup before meeting the Oilers in two of their next three games, a hugely important bump in their schedule. Meanwhile, the Vikings will hope to continue churning out performances like this one--if only to keep the chilling, cruel gaze of Denny Green from making the oncoming winter colder than it has to be.