Monday Night Football: Philadelphia vs. San Francisco

Caution: You may need sunglasses for the glare

In real-life 1991 NFL, Joe Montana was sitting pretty with his four rings and a decade that he could single-handedly call his own. However, the 49ers were looking toward a questionable future while the NFC East started bubbling with teams ready to take back the conference. In Tecmo-life NFL, Montana still rules the roost, and despite a slow start to this particular simulated season, the 49ers appear to have finally hit the turning point after a massive pounding of the Detroit Lions last week. Now they get the grand spotlight of Monday Night, up against one of those flashy NFC East teams in Philadelphia. The Eagles' quarterback may not use a name, but for most of the season he's been letting his legs and arm speak for him. The two teams appear to be heading in separate directions, and tonight could be the defining moment in each team's season. Also, we'll get to see Tom Rathman inevitably juke and jive for 45 yards and at least 8 touchdowns.

Quarter One
The 49ers keep their winning streak alive with a victorious coin flip call, and elect to receive. Dexter Carter brings the ball 15 yards out, from which Tom Rathman chugs all the way to the 38-yard line. Two plays later on 3rd-and-1, however, Thomas Dean Rathman can't bust past his own offensive line and Barry Helton is on for his second punt of the season.

Philadelphia starts on their own 20 after forty-five minutes of trying to find the punted ball floating somewhere in the Delaware River. Keith Byars swoons the Philadelphia fans with a run for no gain, but QB Eagles earns even less yards after a Pierce Holt sack. On 3rd and 20, Eagles' pass is blocked and the 49ers are going to get their ball back.

Just before he cartwheeled in from the twenty

John Taylor is the punt returner, and earns his paycheck for the week with a run to the Eagles' 48-yard line. Roger Craig makes up the remaining distance with a blistering run to paydirt while Eagles Coach Rich Kotite suddenly finds himself holding the Classifieds section of the Philadelphia Inquirer.

San Francisco leads 7-0

The Eagles get another shot from their own 37-yard line, but Heath Sherman resists another first down by falling down after 9 yards. When Eagles can't pay anyone to catch his pass, it's 3rd-and-1. Byars finally converts the first down and gets to midfield, while Sherman's ensuing 7-yard run brings us to the end of the quarter.

Quarter Two
The quarter second begins as the first ended, with QB Eagles' streak of uncaught passes continuing. On 3rd and 3, Byars goes the wrong way. Jeff Feagles, who holds the honor of having the closest name to his team aside from blatantly made up players, is out to punt the ball. His kick goes for a total of 75 yards, with a net of about 15.

Joe Montana adds to the rushing trifecta with a 14-yard scramble, ending his run in front of QB Eagles and making sure to shake his hand with the one covered in golden rings. A pass to Jerry Rice is deflected in double coverage, a definite portent of doom for the 49ers. Of course, Montana recognizes about 10 men covering Rice on the next play, so he goes to the wide open John Taylor who high-steps 53 yards to the Philadelphia 8-yard line. Rathman is up the middle for the score, where he proceeds to do his signature spike and shuffle dance.

San Francisco leads 14-0

QB Eagles scrambles for 12 yards of his own on the Eagles' third meaningless drive, perhaps showing signs of a return to league-leading rushing statistics. His average is knocked in half on the next play, however, when his run is stopped short at the goal line. Two plays later it's 3rd-and-5, and Charles Haley gets involved with a sack of Eagles. Feagles latches on his punting leg for another touchback.

With 37 seconds left in the half, the 49ers show off their humbling display of kneeling out the clock by giving the ball to Rathman for a 35-yard run, just for the heck of it.

Halftime - 49ers 14, Eagles 0

Quarter Three
After reminding the Eagles this isn't a charity event, Kenny Jackson takes the field and returns the kick to the Philadelphia 39-yard line. Eagles' unfathomable passing deficiency continues with a batted pass behind the line of scrimmage on first down. He takes matters into his own hands with an 8-yard designed run, but on 3rd-and-2 Byars is stuffed for a loss of 1. The Eagles are now just 20% on third down conversions, which actually seems pretty high now that I think about it.

Jerry Rice is somewhere in the middle of this gang-rape

Feagles' punt actually falls ahead of the goal line at the San Francisco 1-yard hash, but Taylor still decides to bring it out to the twenty. Minutes later, Feagles is seen on the sideline with a judge, trying to change his name to 'Jeff Feagle-Niners'. Rice makes two straight receptions, the second in double or perhaps octuple-coverage, and the portent of doom is washed off San Francisco to drain into the same hole as Philadelphia's playoff hopes. Rathman coasts in from the 3-yard line for his second vultured touchdown of the game, and to be honest I won't mind if you change the channel to Sister Wives or check out this Wikipedia page of lesser-known 49ers running back, Harry Sydney.

San Francisco leads 21-0

Kenny Jackson takes the kick once more, and breaks off a few defenders to run it out to the San Francisco 48, now leading the Eagles in all-purpose yards. QB Eagles audibles a bootleg run, but it's picked and loses 7 yards. He's blitzed again on second down, but gets the pass off to three 49ers defenders that mercifully keep each other from intercepting the pass to keep Eagles' reception rate at 0%. On 3rd-and-17, Sherman gains 7 yards, but not the 1 in front of it to convert and Feagles is on to put another crack in the Liberty Bell.

Amidst shooting laser beams, Feagles keeps his focus...

The wheels may be coming off of San Francisco's offense when Montana somehow overthrows a wide-open Rice and Roger Craig is stuffed for a loss of two. On 3rd-and-12, Montana's pass is blocked, leading Commissioner Paul Tagliabue to start an informal investigation into 49ers Coach George Seifert's gambling habits.

Eagles goes down in a Halestorm of Haley

Quarter Four
Helton gets off a long punt and Philadelphia is set to start their monster comeback at their own 28-yard line. "The Drive", as it will be come to known by me and the four people that will ultimately read this blog, starts with a 1-yard run by Eagles and continues with a 2-yard loss by Byars. On 3rd-and-11, a blitz-sack of Eagles by Keith DeLong puts Coach Kotite in a tough position. He decides to wear his balls on his windbreaker sleeve and goes for it on 4th and 20 at his own 18-yard line. His balls are then subsequently injected with some of Charles Haley's HGH when QB Eagles is sacked again at the 7-yard line by Charles Haley.

Rathman gains 3 yards on first down, and graciously gives way to Roger Craig on the next play for Craig's fifth rushing touchdown on the year.

San Francisco leads 28-0

Jackson decides to take the ball out of the end zone despite staring at a flock of Eagles at his doorstep, and is dropped at the Eagles' 1-yard line. QB Eagles brings his team into the huddle to ready them for a four-touchdown rally with 3:35 to go. It starts off fruitfully with a combined 5 yards on two plays, but due to Eagles duck-tossing all day they decide to go with a Sherman run on 3rd down. The decision pays off with an 8-yard rush up the middle and their first third-down conversion since the first quarter. Strong analytical skills by this writer determine that the 49ers may be a bit pissed off when they rush all eleven at Eagles, but he somehow gets the pass off and finally connects with a diving Calvin Williams for a gain of 39 yards.

If Calvin Johnson is Megatron, Calvin Williams must be Laserbeak

In a twist of Faulkneresque fate, QB Eagles sprints the remaining 43 yards and a touchdown. The dream is still alive in Philadelphia after a puzzling 99-yard scoring drive.

San Francisco leads 28-7

The 49ers' left guard Guy McIntyre scoops up the onside kick attempt at the San Francisco 46-yard line with 1:34 remaining. Two quick plays lead to a rare 3rd-and-11 for the 49ers, and when Craig only gains 2 the Eagles will be getting the ball back after all. COM play-calling, folks.

Although Helton nails a punt at the goal line, Calvin Williams still fights his way to the Philadelphia 22-yard line with 30 seconds left. QB Eagles gets his second completed pass of the day to prove he's no fluke, but even his legs can't outrun the 15 seconds left on the clock, and the Eagles fall miserably short of the goal line and the win to fall to .500 on the year.

Final: 49ers 28, Eagles 7

Would it be okay for me to say I hate watching games like this? Just when I think I'm having a blast running this simulated season, games like this remind me why I never used to do it after I turned 13 years old. The 49ers weren't as dominant as they were against Detroit, but didn't have to be as QB Eagles had both holsters heated with guns to shoot his team's feet with. The schedule ahead is very favorable for the 49ers with two intra-divisional games and another against Phoenix before a showdown with the Rams in Week 13. This is why we should never be fooled by a 1-4 San Francisco start, even with all these years under our gut-busting belts. I don't see the Eagles recovering from this loss, mostly because a 28% completion rate and only 72 yards would be enough to shatter even a Rypienesque type of confidence.