Monday Night Football: San Diego vs. Cleveland

As promised, we now present a Monday Night slugfest of two AFC teams turning their respective fortunes around from last year. San Diego is ready to pull away with the AFC West, something a win over Cleveland would make very much possible. Cleveland, on the other hand, may be breathing on fumes if they can't find a way to win here. Suffering a demoralizing loss at the hands of Houston last week, the Browns need to find a way to recreate their 5-game win streak earlier this season to get back in the serious discussion between retired man-boys on network television.

Quarter One
The Chargers waste no time taking the reins of this game, with a deep John Carney kick to Randy Baldwin, who is wiped out at his own 9 yard line. Immediately after, Mike Tomczack gets steamrolled right inside his own end zone by Henry Rolling, causing his life insurance company to cringe for just a second.

San Diego leads 2-0

No, not that Terry Taylor

Nate Lewis, the dedicated return man for San Diego, returns a pitiful Matt Stover kick across midfield. Stan Humphries has little chance to get comfortable himself when Cleveland cornerback Terry Taylor picks him off on his first pass of the game. The Red Rooster strikes again!

Tomczak begins his run at redemption in the familiar shotgun formation, though he's once again acquainted with Henry Rolling's Burger King breath with a sack of 13 yards. Eric Metcalf takes a stab at it and converts Cleveland's first positive play of the game, a run of 7 yards. Quickly facing a 3rd-and-16 situation, Tomczak gets his first pass off, connecting successfully with the sixth-rounder out of Colorado, Rico Smith, who runs it out to the San Diego 29-yard line. On the ensuing play, Tomczak takes his pick of 5 open receivers, choosing Kevin Mack at the 10-yard line to run it in for Cleveland's first score.

Cleveland leads 7-2

Lewis returns his second kick to the Chargers' 20, following it up with a catch in the open field for an additional 48 yards deep in the Cleveland dog pound. Smooth Stan runs the next play like butter, handing it off quickly to Rod Bernstine, only to have Bernstine huck it back for Humphries to find Anthony Miller in the corner of the end zone to make Bill Belichick's frown grow a frown of its own.

San Diego leads 9-7

The Browns get decent starting position once again with a Baldwin return to the 43-yard line. Eric Metcalf batters his way through the San Diego pinball machine, picking up 7 yards. On second down, the Chargers roll over Metcalf to force another third down with a yard loss. Tomczak, slightly less stoic than his last drive, throws the panic lever and bounces the ball off of Metcalf and the three defenders swarming him.

Quarter Two
Brian Hansen cashes his paycheck with a punt that pins Eric Bieniemy at his team's 9-yard line. Poised as ever, Humphries avoids the safety by falling forward into Mike Johnson's waiting meat cleaver hands at the 1-yard line. Head coach Bobby Ross rolls his grapefruit testicles on to the field over the next two plays, consisting of a Humphries flea flicker that falls short, followed by a dangerous Miller reverse that has the receiver nearly running behind the goal post, though he's still able to pick up 15 of the 18 yards needed to give punter John Kidd some breathing room.

Kidd lofts the ball all the way to the Cleveland 30-yard line, giving Metcalf hardly a chance to return before he's smeared like a fitting brown liver pate on the field. Tomczak laces it to Rico Suave for a 20-yard gain on first down, following it up with a dandy 14-yard run of his own to the San Diego 27-yard line. The promising drive comes to a screeching halt, however, when Texas native Stanley Richard picks off the eclectic Tomczak at the San Diego 5-yard line. He charges back to the 23 to set his team up for the next drive.

Humphries gets the dancing bug, trotting an entire 2 yards over the Cleveland defense. On second down, Bernstine picks up his quarterback's slack with a decent 10-yard rush of his own, his first carry of the game. Mike Johnson swallows Humphries for another sack, erasing 11 yards. Bernstine's run, while admirable, only regains 7, so on 3rd-and-14 when Humphries' pass to Lewis only picks up a similar 7, the Chargers are forced to punt it away once more.

With exactly 42 seconds remaining until the end of the half, Metcalf sashays his way through the San Diego special teams, chewing up valuable playing time for Tomczak and company. With 22 seconds left, Cleveland resolves to send Metcalf up the middle to end the half on a reasonably positive note, though his tackle at the 1-yard line with 0 seconds remaining is about as non-positive as you can get for a team struggling to find ways to score all season.

Halftime - Chargers 9, Browns 7

Quarter Three
Nate Lewis gets a solid return to the San Diego 44-yard line. Undaunted by his previous failures, Humphries boldly digs down deep for the flea flicker once more, finding it batted away again on course to Anthony Miller. His pass up the middle on second down to Bernstine is also batted like a sack of steaming potatoes away from any live bodies. Lewis atones for his teammates with a catch in coverage 12 yards away, setting up a new course of downs. Like clockwork, Humphries forges on with the flicker, finding it knocked down again by a Cleveland secondary apparently uniformed in canola oil. On second down, Humphries drops back, gets serious for a second, and uses his fortunate ability to be protected all day long to find a wide open Lewis along the sideline for a 45-yard score.

San Diego leads 16-7

Cleveland starts at midfield after a short kick and, knowing they've finally used up all their chances to keep the game close, start their scoring drive with a pitch to Mack that's blitzed and loses 6 yards. Mack can't make up for the loss, falling over a yard further behind the line of scrimmage, and on 3rd-and-17, Tomczak knows he's in trouble when a wide open Rico Smith forgets everything he learned in Colorado and drops the pass. Belichick sends in Mrs. Hansen's baby boy for the punt.

Bieniemy only musters up a return to the 11-yard line, giving the Chargers a long field but a fair amount of time needed to erase from the clock anyway. On first down, Humphries goes to the air, lobbing it to Lewis who can't fight physics and reach through his defender to catch the ball. Michael Dean Perry notches another tally for his bedpost with a sack of Humphries, setting up a third down in which Nate Lewis has no chance of catching the ball, even in triple coverage.

Eric Metcalf finally comes clean on his guarantee by schooling the San Diego special teams with a punt return to the Chargers' 35-yard line. An omen of things to come, however, presents itself when Tomczak throws to a covered Michael Jackson and is almost picked off. Metcalf takes the ball safely on the next two plays, converting a first down. Tomczak takes another stab at glory, and for the time being is rewarded with the assistance of a leaping Jackson in the end zone to pull the game back within two.

San Diego leads 16-14

Nate Lewis answers with a decent return of his own to the Browns' 45-yard line, setting up a time-killing drive of two straight Rod Bernstine runs to close out the quarter with an additional 15 yards to his name.

Quarter Four
Humphries gets back to basics with an incomplete pass to Lewis to kick off the fourth quarter. On 3rd-and-10, the popular flea flicker continues its every third-play trend, though it still can't fool the windmill arms of the Cleveland secondary. On fourth down, John Carney is sent out to put this game out of field goal range for the Browns, a feat that is successfully converted from 48 yards away.

San Diego leads 19-14

Carney's still got some blood pumping through his femur on the ensuing kickoff, one that pins Baldwin back at his own 7 with a shade over 2 minutes to play and Cleveland suffering a bit of unsettling deja vu. With San Diego predictably blitzing, Tomczak forgoes the common sense that saved them on their first drive by lobbing up an ill-advised duck into the welcoming gloves of San Diego cornerback Anthony Blaylock.

The Browns defense comes up big, stopping two straight reverses and another Humphries flea flicker, though San Diego does its job in wiping out over a minute from the clock. John Carney is called upon once more, and he also does his job by ruining Thanksgiving for little Johnny in Cleveland with an icer from 26 yards away.

San Diego leads 22-14

With just 5 seconds left to play after a Baldwin return to the 45-yard line, the Browns do all they can in an alternate dimension where 2-point conversions are unfathomable; they call the Tomczak-to-Metcalf pitch that sees Metcalf running backwards on an escalator into futility.

Final: Chargers 22, Browns 14

Though hardly a clean game by any stretch, the Chargers proved to still be the class of the AFC with a defensive spanking of the ill-prepared Browns. Had Humphries strayed from the flea flicker formula a bit, he may have had a better showing for the national audience though his resilience after a first-throw interception did prove who the better man was out there. Tomczak tried his best, though it was hard to avoid getting his clock cleaned by a hungry San Diego front seven ready to prey on the Browns' weak line. The Chargers go on to their eighth win, one we predicted at the beginning of the season should be enough to clinch the West, while the Browns' fifth loss may be enough to force them to show their hand in a division that includes the unflappable Oilers and unpredictable Bengals. Of course, only time will tell what's in store for the rowdy Brown bunch, though we think the continual benching of Bernie Kosar will be inversely related to their appearances in any January football games.