Week One: Release the Robots

Week One of the NFL season is here, which means our 8-bit friends fighting the Tecmo Ragnarok are about to be released for another year of exciting emulation. We've had training camp and preseason. We've had 6 months of the NFL Network announcers doing Kegel exercises during broadcasts. Week One is here, and while not much can be deciphered other than the fact that the Phoenix Cardinals are still a team, it's okay to be excited about meaningless games again. After all, every day without the Fox Football Robots is another day in Jack Trudeau's hairless hell.

1:00 Games

Buffalo (0-0) * L.A. Rams (0-0)

Sunday football opens with this classic rivalry between the Bills and Rams. Two playoff teams a year ago, they meet under different circumstances here as the Bills proceed to stomp a Bruce Smith-sized mudhole in the Rams' chance for a repeat divisional title. Thurman Thomas ran a svelte 120 yards on just 12 carries, and Buffalo outdid Los Angeles 17 to 7 on first down output. Meanwhile, Jim Everett's surprisingly underwhelming 112 yards may have been more due to the new spectre of Mike Pagel over his shoulder than the Buffalo defense.

Final Score: Bills 35, Rams 10

Dallas (0-0) * Washington (0-0)

We picked America's team to return to prominence this season, and to get started they'll face the reigning NFC Champions in the Washington Redskins. The men from the nation's capitol stood fast in the face of Dallas' cocky confidence, beating the Cowboys in every aspect of the game. Emmitt Smith was held to 53 yards rushing, while captain Troy Aikman was under 50% accurate, tossing just 160 yards and a pick. There's a lot of work to be done in Dallas if they're to live up to the hype. Meanwhile, some work is to be done in D.C. as well, where Mark Rypien is still trying to find his way home because no one has the heart to tell him his car is still in 'park'.

Final Score: Redskins 21, Cowboys 13

Cincinnati (0-0) * Seattle (0-0)

Ickey Who? Harold Green comes in and runs up 92 yards on 9 carries in his spotlight moment as the Bengals' primary rusher. Two AFC postseason card-carriers from last year, the Seahawks and Bengals met in this torrid affair that saw no small amount of Stan Gelbaugh causing his coaches to sign over their first-borns for him to complete a pass. Boomer was slightly more efficient, connecting 87% of his passes. Though he only threw 166 yards, that's all he needed with Harold Green eating up 4 touchdowns (3 rushing, 1 receiving). We said Cincinnati had dim hopes of donning the glass slipper again this year; now we realize it'll be because Harold Green crushed it.

Final Score: Bengals 34, Seahawks 16

Indianapolis (0-0) * Cleveland (0-0)

Two teams nobody has ever mistook for postseason card-carriers, the Colts and Browns meet in an AFC dust-off to settle the score of who wants to score the least. Cleveland wins the battle in this regard, helped by the fact that their main rusher and spokesman for semi tractors, Kevin Mack, went out as the season's first casualty. Anthony Johnson does his best Albert Bentley impression with a workmanlike 93 yards on 9 carries, helping Indianapolis score late for the win. Meanwhile, Mike Tomczak didn't win over any Kosar fans with his 148 yards and a pick.

Final Score: Colts 17, Browns 14

Chicago (0-0) * Detroit (0-0)

The first battle of the black and blue division takes place between the Bears and Lions, two teams that finished out of the playoffs last year (though to the Lions credit, they're the Lions). Chicago cut first, winning behind Jim Harbaugh's stellar 261 yards passing and no picks. Veteran Wendell Davis brought in 149 of those yards, while Chicago's defense rounded out the effort by holding Barry Sanders to 55 yards on 13 attempts. What really aided the effort, however, was most likely in the first quarter when John Roper told Rodney Peete that he crushed kitten skulls with walnut crackers for fun.

Final Score: Bears 35, Lions 21

Minnesota (0-0) * Green Bay (0-0)

The NFC Central melee continues with the two playoff representatives from last year, the Vikings and Packers. While both are sporting new-look offenses from last year, nobody will argue that they're set to break any records. Brett Favre made his Packers debut with 158 yards tossing and 3 picks, while Rich Gannon held himself in check with only 5 completions. The two teams combined for 64 yards receiving and 146 on the ground, leading us to believe that most of the Vikings' 27 points came from their always-confident decision to give up their next 10 picks in the draft. 

Final Score: Vikings 27, Packers 7

4:00 Games

Kansas City (0-0) * San Diego (0-0)

Things get wild in the west with this early-season divisional battle. The Chargers played with the Chiefs the entire game, before finally pulling away with a late field goal to win. Many questioned Marion Butts' diminished role in San Diego's offense, but Rod Bernstine silenced critics with 98 of the Chargers' 163 yards. Stan Humphries was quiet in his new home, with only 138 yards, but Dave Krieg appears to have thrived in his new environment, tossing up 219 yards and 2 touchdowns. Of course, no amount of scenery changes can change the fact that Dave Krieg only knows how to lose. 

Final Score: Chargers 24, Chiefs 21

Denver (0-0) * L.A. Raiders (0-0)

The Broncos won the division last year on the backs of harder-working teams, like the Raiders, underachieving. Luckily for them, this year they don't have the talent to keep them in the race. Though some would say John Elway is talented, it can be argued it's for his ability to overshadow his team's gag-worthy 43 yards total rushing with a coming-out-both-ends-worthy 4 picks on 174 yards passing. Eric Dickerson did his best Bo impression with 10 rushes for 87 yards, but it could have been his 72 yards receiving on just 2 catches that caused Bo's plane ticket to mysteriously become "lost" in Kansas City.

Final Score: Raiders 31, Broncos 10

Atlanta (0-0) * N.Y. Jets (0-0)

Blair Thomas goes out for the second Tecmo injury of the year, though the only people who noticed were the doctors crushed beneath his hulking mass as they carried him off the field. Brad Baxter rose to the occasion, rushing for 96 yards on 10 carries and catching 2 balls for 66 yards. Despite his heroics, the Falcons come out the victors. And though the reasons differ as to why Ken O.Brien was hardly seen, we believe being buried beneath 7 combined Atlanta sacks had something to do with his mysterious absence.

Final Score: Falcons 21, Jets 14

Tampa Bay (0-0) * Phoenix (0-0)

Reggie Cobb completes the injury ward trifecta in this explosive end to Sunday's slate of games. Not much can be exciting about a combined 123 rushing yards and an interception contest between Chris Chandler and Vinny Testaverde, but we would be lying if we said we didn't want to see the Bucs score 10 points in the 4th quarter to keep Phoenix on pace for 0 wins this year. Though with Tampa Bay's offense, it's more likely those 10 points were scored thusly: safety, field goal, safety, missed field goal, missed field goal, field goal. 

Final Score: Buccaneers 17, Cardinals 16

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Join us tomorrow for a Monday Night Football Tecmo Bowl double-header, with cheese! The early game gets going with an AFC Central showdown between Tecmo Bowl Champion Oilers and this year's sexy pick in the Pittsburgh Steelers. There won't be much time to catch your breath before San Francisco and the New York Football Giants meet in their annual match-up of who the hell cares?