Week Seven: New Beginnings

Today hopes to be a new beginning for some teams looking to take aim at the headliners of their respective divisions and take advantage of the few teams that are beginning to wear their weaknesses on their arms alongside fading tattoos. Next week marks our halfway point already, and there still doesn't seem to be an apparent favorite in any division. We might go all the way before all the divisions are settled, which is a football fan's dream, but a mathematician's leading cause of night sweats. This week starts with the Giants trying to get out to a winning record after going 0-3, and ends with the Jets trying to to be worse than New England. It's not an easy feat to accomplish, but if anyone can do it, Ken O.Brien has our unlimited faith.

1:00 Games

Nobody taunts ineptitude like Phil Simms

Pittsburgh (2-3) at New York Giants (3-3)

This game had a combined 6 interceptions, three from each play-caller, but it was the late touchdown from New York that put the Giants in the win column for the fourth week in a row. Pittsburgh appears to have won in every offensive category, but their sick obsession with sending out Gary Anderson to score all their points ultimately led to their meaningless demise.

Final Score: Giants 21, Steelers 20

L.A. Raiders (3-3) at Seattle (4-2)

The Raiders tried to imitate New York in salvaging their season with an unforeseen winning streak, but their imitation of Pittsburgh in the eerie final score kept them from taking a hold of the AFC West reins. While the Raiders out-ran Seattle 161 yards to 148, it was the cool confidence of Dave Krieg and his 0 picks to Jay Schroeder's 2 that kept Seattle at the helm.

Final Score: Seahawks 21, Raiders 20

These kinds of division throwdowns just make
my eyes sweat! (some call those tears)

Buffalo (4-2) at Indianapolis (2-4)

Thurman Thomas seeped through the porous Indianapolis defense for 141 yards on 13 rushes, and the Bills offense poured it on even more with 17 first downs to the Colts' 7. The unwavering leadership of Jeff George was on display, however, when the Colts avoided a shutout with a late touchdown. While the dream season for Indianapolis is teetering on the edge of total and undeniable failure, the Bills could probably hit the pillow for a few more weeks and still pull out the division title at this point.

Final Score: Bills 27, Colts 7

Cleveland (3-2) at Washington (4-2)

This game may eventually be named 'Earnest Byner's Revenge', as he welcomed his former team to town and then proceeded to devour the Browns' 'D' for 162 rushing yards on just 15 attempts. It might also be named 'Mark Rypien's Return to Glory' as he once again avoided any interceptions, but that would mean his 47 passing yards would also be in the spotlight, a stat line he'd probably sooner forget. Regardless, the Redskins take the lead for the time being, while the Browns assure the Oilers a chance of getting in the playoffs even if they lose their last 8 of 11 games.

Final Score: Redskins 20, Browns 7

Looks like the Ronnie Harmon show is
finally about to start!

S.D. Chargers (4-2) at L.A. Rams (4-1)

The Chargers open the door to a division-leading tie with Seattle, while slamming a few windows shut on the Rams' already decreasing lead. Although this was initially set up to be an air-battle, both Marion Butts and Curt Warner somehow wound up at the party. It was a good thing for the Rams, too, as Jim Everett's 101 yards and 45% completion rate may have made this more of a blowout than a nail-biter. The Chargers lost two more men in the battle, however, with both Nate Lewis and Joe Caravello going out, making their share of the division title look more like the bad end of a Mark Zuckerberg deal.

Final Score: Chargers 28, Rams 26

Cincinnati (3-2) at Dallas (3-3)

The Cowboys return home after a crushing loss to Green Bay, and immediately lay down for James Brooks who is the fantasy star of the day with 193 yards on just 13 rushes, good for 14 Tecmo yards per carry. Boomer wasn't too shabby either with 200 yards and a 91% completion rating, and their total of 21 first downs means that either the Bengals are here to stay, or that the Cowboys missed their flight from Wisconsin and had to let the actors from Friday Night Lights suit up to play real-life football.

Final Score: Bengals 34, Cowboys 14

Miami (4-2) at Kansas City (2-4)

One can look at this game as either the Dolphins keeping on the heels of the Bills, or the Chiefs getting their heels nipped by the Kansas City fan base and their wealth of rabid police dog cast-outs. The Chiefs lose their fifth straight, Steve De Berg lobs up 3 interceptions, and Barry Word had his touchdown magnet turned the wrong way and couldn't punch it in despite 83 rushing yards. The Dolphins are looking like an early contender, while Kansas City looks to be in the running for most highlights in the next edition of NFL's Greatest Follies, Volume 6.

Final Score: Dolphins 30, Chiefs 14

4:00 Games

A decade before 'Who Dat?', they where 'What Da?'

Philadelphia (4-2) at New Orleans (1-4)

The Eagles can't take advantage of their match-up here, and fall a game back of the Redskins thanks to an uncanny performance by Steve Walsh and Brent Perriman to score 21 points in the fourth quarter. Walsh was a shade shy of 300 yards with no picks, while Perriman reined in 129 yards in receiving to give the Saints hope in their increasingly brittle division. It seems that opposing teams have figured out the QB Eagles problem, causing a dilemma in Philadelphia not seen since the cheesesteak guy ran out of cheese and steak within two days of each other.

Final Score: Saints 35, Eagles 27

Phoenix (1-5) at Minnesota (5-1)

The game of inverse records and reverse fetishes ends with another tight win by Minnesota. The Vikings defense may have been the true winners in this game in holding Johnny Johnson to a relatively disappointing 87 yards on 12 rushes, while Herschel Walker had a breakout game with 98 yards of his own. Timm Rosenbach and Wade Wilson tried to out-suck each other, but Fuad Reveiz's aversion to lowering himself to Al Del Greco's level of ineffectiveness proved to be helpful in the Vikings' winning efforts.

Final Score: Vikings 20, Cardinals 17

San Francisco (1-4) at Atlanta (1-4)

The 49ers' comeback train took off from Atlanta with a convincing victory, and it appears that San Francisco may have the Rams buying their plane tickets back from their honeymoon a little early. Roger Craig was taken out in the first quarter, but the 49ers roared back with 239 passing yards from Joe Montana. Mike Rozier tried to pull his team out from the Georgia swamplands with 113 rushing yards and a few scores, but Chris Miller pulled back infinitely harder with his inability to throw touchdowns or for more than 50 yards in the game.

Final Score: 49ers 31, Falcons 21

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Brace yourselves, cowboy, we're only about 36 hours from the biggest Monday Night battle since last week, when Ken O.Brien takes his Jets into Houston with the singular goal of not collapsing into a complete and demoralizing failure, while head coach Bruce Coslet monkeys with the life support cords. With New England idle, the Jets have a shot at the worst record in the NFL for at least a week, an opportunity you could bet your family pet's life on Blair Thomas not letting slip away. Warren Moon doesn't have to be Superman here to win at home, but you can be sure his passes will be leaping tall buildings faster than locomotives, and the local sports supply stores raking in some dough when the Oilers look for replacement balls while trying to remove the bloody ones from Haywood Jeffries' ruptured sternum.

Mock him all you want, nobody ever said
Ken O.Brien was lacking 'balls'.