Monday Night Football: New York Jets vs. Houston

Sometimes a Zen Master, always a Zendejas

This week's installment brings to us two teams that couldn't be less like each other. Houston has a vaunted passing offense, a solid run game, and a stifling defense. New York has a wide receiver named "JoJo". While they may both be going in different directions, the game presented here brings together two Tecmo teams that usually fly below the radar each year and are highly avoided by MAN controllers if at all possible. We'll watch them beat up on each other here for no known reason, other than to maybe see a 60-yard Lorenzo White run up the gut, or Tony Zendejas bank about 16 field goals when Warren Moon finally gets tired and decides he wants to go home.

Pink Paydirt

Quarter One
The game officially starts when Zendejas kicks the ball off to Terance Mathis, who returns it to his team's 28-yard line. Right off the bat, Ken O.Brien puts it all out there for the second time today (the first was in a Houston library bathroom) with a 48-yard connection to his go-to guy, Al Toon. Mark Boyer then gets in the mix by bringing down an O.Brien pass at the Houston 6-yard line, and suddenly the former AFC Player of the Year has 68 yards on two passes in two attempts. He releases the pressure valve on the next pass, however, with an incompletion to Boyer in the back of the end zone. Freeman McNeil carries it in on the ensuing play to put the Jets up quickly and suck the exhaust fumes out of the Astrodome.

New York leads 7-0

Pat Leahy subtracts from his team's efforts by deciding to only kick the ball to the Houston 45-yard line, from which Gerald McNeil (no known relation to Freeman) naturally runs all the way to the New York 26-yard line. Warren Moon gets to work early, zipping a pass to Haywood Jeffries (known in some circles as 'Jeffires') that is wildly overthrown. Somewhere on the Jets' sidelines, Ken O.Brien makes the decision to sign a copy of his book, "How to Succeed in the Quarterback Position", to deliver to Moon. Just as he's about to walk out on the field to deliver his gift to his opponent, Moon throws a perfect strike to Earnest Givins in triple coverage, who sheds his tacklers and ties this one up.

Score tied 7-7

The Jets prepare to answer by starting at their own 22-yard line, a possible disadvantage compared to Houston's average field position. Thomas is stuffed behind the line on the first play from scrimmage, but running-mate Blair Thomas gets involved on the next play, absolving his friend with a 16-yard scamper. New York runs down the clock on the first quarter with a succession of positive plays, none of which I feel like recounting here unless I want my macaroni and cheese to burn in the other room.

Quarter Two
New York's drive continues into the second quarter on 3rd and 10 from the Houston 25-yard line. While Pat Leahy does his best Las Vegas showgirl impersonation on the sidelines, the fired up Ken O.Brien launches one into the corner of the end zone, to which Toon hauls it down unscathed. Leahy takes his feather boa off to prepare for the ensuing kickoff instead.

New York leads 14-7

Gerald McNeil is trapped on his own side of the field this time, with the inspired Jets stuffing him at the Houston 29-yard line. Moon quickly erases all that with a 43-yard run up the middle, giving the last-place Jets' run defense a chance to show what they can do on the national stage. From the New York 43-yard line, Moon's laser beam locks on to Ernest Givins, and he painfully, yet proudly, dodges multiple tackles on his way to a quick Houston score.

Score tied 14-14

New York gets back at it, but their momentum is suddenly in jeopardy after a 4-yard loss by Thomas and a questionable O.Brien pass to Toon. On 3rd and 14, however, the man they modeled the 'Ken' doll after finds Freeman McNeil on the slant for a 29-yard catch and run to the Houston 42-yard line. Blair Thomas fights for a second-string job after bobbling another pass, but O.Brien goes back to Toon on the next play for another huge gain to the Oilers' 7-yard line. With time running out and the Jets threatening again, Houston calls a timeout, giving New York a chance to call one of their trickiest plays--the Toon in the corner of the end zone pass. Unfortunately for the Jets, Toon is standing about 5 yards in front of his designated 'X', and the ball falls harmlessly incomplete. New York goes with a lob to Thomas on the next play, however, and he dives for his first touchdown of the game, and somehow of the year.

A first look at the new ground-breaking Tecmo-turf

New York leads 21-14

With 44 seconds left in the half, there's no man Coach Jack Pardee would rather have in his corner than 'Miracle' Moon, whose first order of business is to find another inexplicably uncovered receiver in Drew Hill. He gets to the Jets' 25-yard line and goes out of bounds with just 2 seconds left. Pardee plays against the odds by sending out his favorite Tony, and Zendejas is money for 3 points before the half.

New York leads 21-17

Halftime - Jets 21, Oilers 17

Quarter Three
Houston gets a chance to build on their score, starting at their own 25-yard line. Moon, perhaps still thinking he's playing on a Canadian Football League regulation field of 300 yards, fires a laser to Hill for a 60-yard gain. Givins gets his chance at the goal line, but drops the ball. Therefore, Curtis Duncan retrieves a pass on the next play and dives past the pylon for his second touchdown of the season, leading us to believe that either Coach Pardee had a stern talking to with his team during halftime, or the Jets were told their defense wasn't living up to their sucky reputation thus far.

Houston leads 24-21

Al Smith: governor, playwright, O.Brien hurter

Rather smartly, New York decides that, like his hookers, any time Moon gets a chance at them, they'll inevitably end up with a morning-after hangover and a possible appointment at an abortion clinic. Therefore, they go with the clock management plan, which works at first with a few Thomas pitches and McNeil runs up the gut. After about a dozen plays and four trips to the bathroom, the Jets finally wind up in Houston territory with 13-yard dash by Thomas. Al Smith heaves the defense on his back, however, and knocks O.Brien on his during two consecutive plays, leaving the Jets suddenly facing a precarious 3rd-and-long situation back in their own territory. While O.Brien watches an all-out blitz stampeding right at him, he lobs up a desperation pass if there ever was one, and actually connects to a diving Rob Moore for a 25-yard gain. The next play is equally as mind-defying when his pass goes over the hands of a Houston defender, into the safe clutches of Blair Thomas for another first down. Soon enough, however, it's 3rd-and-10 with the Jets on the doorstep of another score. And instead of entrusting red-hot O.Brien to toss a fade, they go with the more conservative Thomas run, and the Jets are rewarded with this decision when he butts harmlessly into his own offensive line while the quarter clicks away.

Quarter Four
The fourth quarter begins with a New York Jets scoring play, undeniably an impressive stat if it weren't a Pat Leahy chip shot field goal to tie the game up.

Score tied 24-24

If only there was more than 0 Oilers looking for the ball

Leahy follows up his clutch kicking with a not-so-clutch 25-yard kickoff that allows the Oilers to begin at midfield. However, it's on the first play from scrimmage when the man that defined the word clutch, Joe Kelly, picks up a Lorenzo White fumble and popcorns a weak Oilers' offense for a 42-yard fumble return touchdown.

New York leads 31-24

With 3:59 left in the game, enough for Warren Moon to score about seven more touchdowns, the Oilers get a second chance at their own 45-yard line. Moon fools us all with an incomplete pass to White, followed up by a 55-yard touchdown in which the ball apparently teleported in less than 0.6 seconds.

Score tied 31-31

All right, ladies and gentlemen, we've come to the point in the game where my snide accusations and ad hominem jabs make way for real hard-nosed Tecmoized football. We're on the verge of watching a 1-5 team take the field to run down the clock for a possible score at the buzzer to knock out a division leader at home. What can kill that buzz? Perhaps a Mathis return to the Jets' 13-yard line, his worst of the day at the most inopportune time. O.Brien makes the best of it by starting the drive with a pitch to Thomas, who gets the first down but bobbles the ball. Lucky for him, he's near the sidelines, and perhaps even more fortunate is the fact that Tecmo players are about as adept at picking up fumbles as I am at picking up middle-schoolers in the playground. The next two passes to Rob Moore are good for a combined 40 yards, getting near the Oilers' 35-yard line at the two minute warning.

He just makes it look so easy

With the clock not moving fast enough for the Jets, they decide to allow a Richard Johnson sack of O.Brien for an 8-yard loss, but when McNeil loses another two the Jets are in danger of exiting field goal range. Facing a 3rd-and-20 from the Houston 45, the Jets need at least 15 yards for a shot. McNeil gets about a third of that, and when Leahy comes up short from 58 yards out, the New York media is already turning to coverage of the Islanders game.

Haywood to the House

1:15 to go in regulation plus Moon still being healthy inevitably leads to the solution of an Oilers' score on their second play from scrimmage with a 60-yard Moon-to-Jeffries connection. Ken O.Brien is seen packaging up his book to be autographed by Moon after the game.

Houston leads 38-31

Mathis gets the kickoff to midfield, and the New York fanbase in attendance collectively shrugs. With 12 seconds left in the game, O.Brien throws one of his signature desperation passes about 4 yards to McNeil, and the ball hits his face-mask about as hard as the concrete of the AFC East basement does when time expires. 

Final: Oilers 38, Jets 31

How it could have turned out like this, we'll never know. The Jets and Mr. O.Brien put on an air show that nobody expected, and their clock management was almost clinic-like. Unfortunately, and we may be saying this a lot this season, their uncanny efforts were in vain as they were matched up with a Houston Oilers squad who, when their on-switch is engaged, appears next to unstoppable. O.Brien was stellar with 263 yards to no interceptions and a touchdown. Meanwhile, however, Moon threw less than half the passes of Ken and still tossed 17 more yards, and the Jets' 14 first downs to the Oilers' 3 tells the real story of how the offensive strategies of each team were in total contrast with one another. I, for one, am glad to know that if I only witnessed one Jets game this season, I got to see this one. And even if it wasn't a win, watching the Jets take Houston down to the wire and lose is better than a sloppy 9-6 victory over Indianapolis any day of the week.