(Tuesday) Night Football: Kansas City vs. San Diego

Those red shorts still give me the shivers

Week Five wraps up in the midst of a divisional clash of two teams with one goal: Keeping each other from winning the division so that Seattle can take it. When the dust clears from this one, there will be more dust caused by the many remaining question marks. Which team really has the staying power right now? It's hard to tell...the Chiefs have an overpowering yet under-utilized back in Christian Okoye, while the Chargers have a renowned party animal in B.J. Tolliver, who, when he can rein it in, is one of the not-worst Tecmo quarterbacks available. With Seattle winning and the Raiders battling back from irrelevance, it's up to one of these teams to stop fighting the Ragnarok of mediocrity and swipe an important divisional win. This division has been one of the best so far, and there's a reason we've featured them three weeks in a row; and no, it's not because we like reliving early-90s era posters.



Quarter One

Whistles can't stop these rivals from their love-wrestling

San Diego is the recipient of Lady Fortune's preference, as she wins them a coin toss and they elect to receive. Nate Lewis takes it out from deep inside his own embattled sense of existence to just the Chargers' 8-yard line. Billy Joe Tolliver saunters out, still sweating from this morning's hangover, and lobs a ball out of bounds to avoid a quick safety. Coach Dan Henning gives Tolliver a Bloody Mary on the sideline while opting to go for a risky Quinn Early reverse, a play of which 75% is run inside their own end zone, but Early rides it out on the wings of Lady Fortune's well wishes to the San Diego 36-yard line. The Chargers go for the Quinn reverse again, but the fair Lady decides not to be a borderline whore and allows Kansas City to stuff him for a loss of 10 yards. After a dropped pass by a wide open Early, it's 3rd and 20. Coach Henning calls out the Early reverse just one more time, a play of which 0.3% of the time has converted a 3rd-and-long situation for San Diego. But Early does just that, with a 21-yard run. Two Marion Butts-stuffings later, and Tolliver decides to drop back and lob it to Anthony Miller, who's leaping catch-and-run for a 57-yard touchdown gets Tolliver back on the sideline in time to take a few Chaser®-Plus pills.

San Diego leads 7-0

Todd McNair is Kansas City's chosen one to return the kick, and he does a perfectly respectable job of getting the return to the Chiefs' 32-yard line. Christian Okoye puts the San Diego defense to sleep, and then terrorizes their dreams with a 27-yard needle-threading into Chargers territory. With their ground game already going so well, Coach Marty Schottenheimer calls the I 72 Dive Right Barry Word Lugs Rocks in His Underwear play, to which Word is stopped for a loss of 1 yard. Quarterback Steve De Berg goes to the air on the next play, and hits a leaping Okoye for a 25-yard gain to the Chargers' 15, and the Chiefs are striking back quickly. Word takes it around the left side for a gain of 3 yards in about two minutes, while Okoye takes it up the middle for 2 more yards in 0.7 seconds. On 3rd and 6, Word takes the drive into his own sure hands and rocks it to the Chargers' 1-yard line as the quarter expires.

The only people who saw this coming were everyone
outside of the Chiefs player implanted in the stands

Quarter Two
Okoye is stuffed just inches from the goal, and his reluctance to stretch his fingers is negatively reinforced by a costly Gill Byrd interception in the corner of the end zone.

Tolliver can't get to Anthony Miller on his first pass, but his perseverance pays off when Miller drags down a 37-yard gain into Chiefs Land. Early continues to be overworked on another reverse that gains a net of -7 yards, and so when he only pulls in a 16-yard pass, San Diego finds themselves one yard short of a first down. Tolliver then audibles a 27-yard touchdown connection with Early, and Chiefs scouts are suddenly lined up for execution for leaving him off the scouting report.

San Diego leads 14-0

The classic Seau Flex: often imitated, never perfected

With 2:03 left in the half, the Chiefs start at their own 30-yard line, looking to come back within a score. Kansas City, always the trend-setter, decides to go with an unorthodox 2-minute drill that involves three Barry Word runs, and somehow manage to capture a first down while also running 30 seconds off the clock. The Chiefs call their last time out to see if the rumors are true of there actually being other pages in the playbook, and when they find one, it is inevitably picked by the San Diego defense--specifically Junior Seau--who sacks De Berg for a loss of 9 yards. Facing a 3rd-and-20 situation with just over a minute to go, De Berg drops back again and lobs it to Stephone Paige, who can't grab it before Byrd nabs his second interception of the game.

With a chance to go up by three scores, Tolliver brings it back into opponent territory with a 23-yard laser to Rod Bernstine. John Carney is out for the 55-yard try with the clock emptying, but he banks it off the left upright--along with his chances of getting into B.J. Tolliver's party later that evening.

Halftime - Chargers 14, Chiefs 0

Quarter Three
The Chiefs get another chance at redemption, but have a longer road this time having to start at their own 13-yard line. With respect to this, they decide to pave that road with Barry Word runs, the first two netting them six yards. On 3rd-and-4, Okoye is wisely given the ball, and relatively busts loose for 11 yards for a fresh set of what are called 'downs' in American football. Due to his success so far, Okoye is entrusted to block for Word on the next two plays which net a total of -1 yard. On 3rd and 11, Okoye is on the sideline asking if he can leave to do another poster shoot while Word only gains three yards. This initiates a Bryan Barker punt, and the Kansas City special teams are able to trap Lewis at his own 7-yard line. Schottenheimer is given the early-season Coach of the Year award for this play.

The crowd goes wild to see Marion Butts take his third carry of the game for a total of 2 yards up the middle. Tolliver, looking a bit pale and now sporting a pair of Ray-Bans®, throws a bad pass into coverage, and is dutifully intercepted by Dino Hackett who returns it to the San Diego 5-yard line.

We interrupt this National Football League game to inform you that a record has been broken for most interceptions in a game by two men who would never have those names in real life.

Alfredo, putting a little sauce on this one *chirp, chirp*

We now return to Steve De Berg throwing a perfect strike to a wide-open Alfredo "Sauce" Roberts for a 5-yard touchdown, which is De Berg's longest touchdown pass as of yet.

San Diego leads 14-7

Nate Lewis takes just his second kickoff of the game, and fares a little better this time with a return to the San Diego 32-yard line. Marion Butts finally breaks loose with a 46-yard gain from scrimmage to the Chiefs' 22-yard line, and suddenly the Bolts are threatening to open this one up again. Tolliver makes it interesting with a flea-flicker that is no good to Miller, and on the next play he's white-washed by the Greensboro Nightmare, Dino Hackett, for a loss of 9. On 3rd-and-19, Tolliver's efficiency rating plummets further, and Carney is on to split the uprights and put San Diego up by ten.

San Diego leads 17-7

McNair returns the ball to the Chiefs' 17-yard line as the quarter ends. Barry Word is on the sidelines, currently getting his 48-inch calves massaged for what will probably be the final 5-minute drive for Kansas City today.

Quarter Four

Word to your Mother.

Unexpectedly, Okoye is given the ball, but loses 3 yards. His fortunes couldn't be getting any better when Word gains 30 yards on the next play, effectively removing any Nigerian quotient from this contest. Word gains another 12 yards into enemy territory, and nobody is more happy than that guy who settled for a Word jersey when all the Dan Saleaumuas inevitably sold out. Two plays later, however, and the Chiefs suddenly face a drive-killing third down situation. San Diego pulls out their 'Word Around the Right Side' defense, but are made fools of when Word takes it around the left side for a big 10 yard gain. San Diego decides to stand strong on the left this time around, but it would appear that Word suddenly had suddenly been injected with something that a few athletes call 'talent', and bobs, weaves, and tosses would-be tacklers 15 yards away for another 25-yard gain. He's stopped at the 2-yard line, but makes up that difference on the next play, and suddenly the Chiefs are back in it, riding on the shoulders of their 230+ pound workhorse.

San Diego leads 17-14

All is well and good on the Kansas City comeback front, but the fact that they relied on a Word-heavy offense means that only two and a half minutes remain in the game, and suddenly the John Carney field goal looks huge. Needing a big stop, the Chiefs special teams instead let Nate Lewis return the kick to their side of the field while also running down the clock to the two-minute warning. Lady Fortune is suffering another mood swing, however, and Albert Lewis is the lucky recipient this time when he picks off a wild Tolliver overthrow of Rod Bernstine and returns it to the Chiefs' 27-yard line.

Stephone Paige FTW...hey, that actually works this time!

With just under two minutes remaining and down by only 3, I described the next play in my notes as thus: Fucking Barry Word for 2 yards. My frustration is elevated to the next level when Word takes it again for no gain, and the Chiefs quickly face a 3rd-and-8 situation. Although Word gets it again on the next play, this time it's a catch on the run and is good for 14 yards. Kansas City takes its last time out with 1:14 remaining at their own 43-yard line. The time out is good for two things: one, for the Chiefs to catch their breath on offense, and two, for De Berg to ready himself for an incompletion and a second Junior Seau sack. On 3rd-and-17, however, De Berg manages to do the near-impossible and dodges another Seau sack for a Stephone Paige connection in which he dodges a few tackles and takes it to the San Diego 21-yard line.

As an aside: It's been five weeks, and I'm still amazed at how Tecmo manages to make COM-COM games interesting--although what that says for my amazement quota, I'm not so sure. With just 15 seconds left, Kansas City opts for the tie and sends Nick Lowery out to attempt his first field goal of the day, which also so happens to be the most important of his season thus far. His leg rust is never more apparent, however, when his kick sails 15 feet wide of the right post. Lady Fortune gets her final laugh, but the only person that hears it is Nick Lowery as he tries to sleep at night.

Kicker's enemies - #2: wind, #1: the harsh rules of geometry

The Chiefs are humanely eunuchised on the very next play when the Chargers run out the clock with a 30-yard Early reverse play.

Final: Chargers 17, Chiefs 14

Kansas City never led in this affair, but made things interesting in the second half with an offense that would be hard to argue against and for as being effective. San Diego was nearly silent in the second half, save for a John Carney field goal that ended up being the difference here, and now the Chargers are quietly and unexpectedly tied with Seattle for the lead in the wild AFC West. There's still some time for Kansas City to pull it together, but after losing three in a row they must be looking for some kind of common denominator, some kind of recurring issue that's been plaguing them. I won't go in depth about my own objective opinions, but if I had to point my finger somewhere, it'd probably be at the guy who has 30 more rushing attempts than his counterpart, has run for about 4.5 yards less per carry than his counterpart, and as a last hint, is the guy whose nickname isn't synonymous with fearful sleeping fits consumed by unimaginable horrors.