Wild Card Weekend: Sunday Edition

Today we get to see who else is invited to the Divisional playoffs party. Wild card weekend has become NFL's rush week, a fun little formality before the big show where one or two teams that don't really belong get to the postseason to get a brief taste of what it's like. Yesterday it was the Seahawks and the Packers, today it's the Bengals. Once we get Cincinnati out of the way, like we did with Seattle and Green Bay, we'll get on to the main event where the truly dominant teams can compete.

5 Cincinnati Bengals (9-7) at 4 Miami Dolphins (11-5)

It's lonely being Dan Marino

Quarter One
The game begins with Dan Marino rushing for 35 yards, Mark Clayton catching a few long passes, and the Dolphins driving right into the heart of Cincinnati's hopes and dreams. Things go awry for a moment when Marino fumbles it over to the Bengals at the 4 yard line, but it's all forgiven when Cliff Odom comes in and swallows Boomer Esiason whole to capture at least two of the runaway points.

Miami leads 2-0

Marc Logan is injured on the kick return, suddenly turning this year's edition of The Tecmo Bowl playoffs into a backyard Juggalo wrestling event. The Dolphins avenge their fallen domehead when Marino finds Fred Banks for a 55 yard touchdown. Multiple Bengals' defenders fall down during the run to the end zone, causing a few Cincinnati fans to phone up Jesse Ventura to see if Joe Robbie Stadium is hiding some gators in the marsh they call their home field.

Miami leads 9-0

The Bengals get a second chance on offense, and Boomer gets them jacked up with a flea flicker to Tim McGee that goes for 65 yards. Just when it seems the momentum is starting to shift, however, the full force of Cliff Odom's brow ridge brings it back into Miami's favor and the Bengals are stuffed on three straight plays.

Zander is never lonely with that strainer

Quarter Two
Cincinnati begins the new quarter on a positive note when Jim Breech is called upon to knock it in from 39 yards out. Despite missing three field goals and four PATs during the season, Breech is suddenly looking like the Bengals' last hope, which is saying a lot when you have Carl Zander's pornstache on your team.

Miami leads 9-3

The Dolphins are driving, and Dan Marino must be starting to see the points light up on the board. Unfortunately for Marino, this foresight blinds him from actually seeing David Fulcher, and his pass to Ferrell Edmunds is rightfully gobbled up.

The Bengals have the ball back, but unfortunately have the task to drive the length of the field against a top-3 defense with just two minutes left. Boomer decides to go all-out on a flea flicker to Eddie Brown to split the yardage in half, but a Dolphin defender gets his weasely hand in there to break it up. A few plays later and the Bengals are in Jim Breech territory, which is who they're calling on after the Dolphins' D-Line is causing Boomer's dry cleaners to see dollar signs.

Miami leads 9-6

Marino has a minute to work with, and most of that is consumed by Tony Paige and Sammy Smith. Apparently feeling comfortable with keeping a short lead over the timid Cincinnati Barn Cats, the Dolphins are content with winding down the clock and sending boy-next-door Pete Stoyanovich out for the 3-pointer before halftime.

Miami leads 12-6

Halftime - Dolphins 12, Bengals 6

Quarter Three
Cincinnati gets a chance for a quick statement out of the locker room, but the Dolphins' secondary keeps Boomer boom-less as they knock all of his passes out of the air. The Bengals can't cross mid-field to even get Breech to match half of his field goal totals for the year, and Coach Wyche fulfills his promise to Lee Johnson that he'd be punting in today's game.

Paige and Smith can't find any running ground this time around, so Marino goes to the air. On 3rd-and-4, the playoffs' worst defense stuffs Marino and redeems themselves for at least one drive in their foreseeable future.

Like shouting at a horror movie, they just can't hear you

Only down by 6, the Bengals finally go to their successful running game of Ickey Woods and James Brooks. They're working well for the team, until Brooks is called upon for the surprise flea flicker. And as a play that they've run at least 1,600 times this season, you'd think it'd go off without a hitch. But Brooks tosses it back to the shadow of Boomer Esiason instead of to Boomer directly, who's currently trying to see if light can exist beneath fourteen Miami defenders. Fortunately for the Bengals, they recover their own mistake, but the quarter ends with a second consecutive punt from Johnson and a fifteenth consecutive championship-less season on the horizon.

Quarter Four
While Marino will always be remembered for his offensive prowess, one can't deny his innate ability to yank rugs from beneath other teams' starry-eyed dreams. On the first drive of the quarter, he threads the needle, putting on a passing clinic before finding a wide open Banks in the end zone for a touchdown. The lead is now nearly out of reach for an impotent Bengals' offense to catch up, and as the dominoes fall into place for another cookie-cutter Tecmo Bowl postseason Cincinnati fans are asking where their Joseph McCarthy is now.

Miami leads 19-6

The Bengals fight valiantly back as if they haven't already lost their first game in five consecutive contests. But with Brooks and Woods running down the field, too many seconds have ticked off the clock and Boomer's interception at the Miami 34-yard line is more of a mercy killing than a heartbreaking final pass of an otherwise magical season for Mr. Esiason.

Final Score: Dolphins 19, Bengals 6

Miami runs out the clock on some safe plays, knowing they have their big brother Buffalo waiting in the wings. After losing the division in the final weeks, Miami looks to be on track to re-ignite an offensive fire that saw them win seven in a row earlier this year. The offense didn't convince anyone with their lackluster win here, but with all the chances they gave Cincinnati their defense is what sees them walk out with 13-point win. Cincinnati packs their bags for the long trip home, but shouldn't hang their heads too much as they certainly provided some excitement and flavor to a rather stale postseason that would have been otherwise staler had Chargers' back-up QB Mark Vlasic been involved.

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5 New York Giants (10-6) at 4 San Francisco 49ers (10-6)

Quarter One
Ottis Anderson fumbles at the San Francisco 20-yard line.

Joe Montana throws a missile to Jerry Rice for a 55-yard touchdown on the second play of the drive.

San Francisco leads 7-0

Holt finishes with the most 49ers rushing yards this season

Phil Simms isn't there to retrieve Anderson's flea flicker. Pierce Holt scoops up the fumble and runs from the 49ers' 20-yard line to the Giants' 20-yard line.

Montana slices it to a wide open Brent Jones on the first play for a 20-yard touchdown.

San Francisco leads 14-0

Quarter Two
In the red zone again, Simms can't see Mark Ingram doing jumping jacks in the end zone. After a sack and Dave Meggett fumble is retrieved 10 yards back, Matt Bahr misses wide right from 53 yards.

Montana drives his team to the Giants' 30-yard line in about 7 seconds. The New York 'D' holds up for one drive, but Mike Cofer still converts 3 points for the gold-rushers.

San Francisco leads 17-0

The Giants get to the red zone for a third time, but fumble for the third time. Dave Waymer gets his name in the score book with the recovery.


Halftime - 49ers 17, Giants 0


Quarter Three
The 49ers get the ball to start the half, but don't come up with any points when Cofer is wide left from 52 yards out. Vegas bookies are starting to sweat.

Mark Ingram realizes coating his gloves in his lucky peanut oil doesn't work out so well when he drops a wide open pass at the San Francisco 20-yard line. Giants punt.

If one Tecmo screen capture could haunt a receiver's dreams, it's this one

John Taylor pulls in a Montana-bomb for a 45-yard touchdown. Vegas bookies pop open a bottle of Dom Perignon.

San Francisco leads 24-0

Quarter Four
Ingram can't pull in another wide open pass at the San Francisco 15-yard line on fourth down. But damn, those gloves taste good.

Look at the cute little Giants players who are still trying!

Jerry Rice pulls in a 35-yard pass on the first play of the drive while writing a check for his kids' college fund.

San Francisco leads 31-0

Anderson fumbles on the Giants' drive for New York's fourth turnover. Waymer gets the recovery again because he's a selfish prick. Which is why the 49ers signed him to a multi-year deal.

Rice pulls in a 40-yard touchdown on third down while writing a check for Giants' Coach Ray Handley's kids' college fund.

San Francisco leads 38-0

Simms can't clear the cobwebs after getting sacked and throws an interception at the 49ers' 15-yard line, icing this game for San Francisco. Who are we kidding, this game was iced before the coin flip.

Final Score: 49ers 38, Giants 0

We would apologize for the trite synopsis, but we couldn't really pretend that the Giants didn't put on one of the poorest performances in Tecmo playoff history. And trust me, I've seen all 45,000 of them. For a team that dominated their own division and most of the others while winning 9 of their last 11, they couldn't have played worse had they found Phoenix Cardinals jerseys in their lockers. It was a pitiful performance for one of the more anticipated games this weekend, but we can't really see how the Giants stood a chance against a very peeved-off 49ers team that had the West division stolen from them in the last week. Forget that the 49ers have the number 4-seed in this year's playoffs; they've got Washington next week followed by the winner of Minnesota vs. Green Bay. If a road was easier to the Tecmo Bowl, it would be in an S-pattern with a team of Bo Jacksons carting the carriage.