1:00 Games
New York Jets (5-10) at Miami (10-5)
Miami wins the game to clinch a 4th seed in the playoffs, but they do so at the cost of Mark Clayton's fibula. Tony Paige took charge on the receiving end with 113 yards during another routine day for Dan Marino, while Ken O.Brien's 107 yards and 2 picks will make sure his routine next year includes retrieving shopping carts at the Whole Foods market.
Final Score: Dolphins 31, Jets 10
Pittsburgh (5-10) at Cleveland (6-9)
The Browns crawl into a last place tie with the Steelers in the AFC Central behind 3 interceptions from QB Browns. In a day filled with anticipation and excitement for other contests around the leauge, Merrill Hoge's stellar 145 yards rushing on 9 attempts is lost in the shuffle. While this may have led to the bitter, self-righteous man he'd come to be known as, for now he's still just "that one white guy in Pittsburgh who's not a lineman".
Final Score: Steelers 27, Browns 14
San Diego (9-6) at Denver (8-7)
The Broncos took the first game between these two in Week 4, and with another win here they continue stirring the pot of inedible stew that is the AFC West. San Diego struck early with a B.J. Tolliver pass to a wide open Anthony Miller on the second play of the game, but from then on it was all a Denver rodeo, with Tolliver playing the clown that gets his ass dropped by Karl Mecklenburg. Tolliver ended with 2 picks, and a fumble recovery near the Denver goal line from Tyrone Braxton sealed the deal. John Elway mostly toyed with the San Diego defense, lofting up three or nineteen flea flickers, including a huge bomb right after halftime to Vance Johnson that put the Broncos up 14-10.
The Broncos' win is only desired by Denver, as now Cincinnati is in a must-win situation against New England. Meanwhile, the bumbling Bolts need to pray to their god, Dan Fouts, for a Bengals loss to hope for a chance. The Los Angeles Raiders fall out of the race without even playing yet, and Seattle, whose grip on the division was about as tight as Derrick Fenner's butt, is now in jeopardy of letting it slip by should they lose to the Rams.
Final Score: Broncos 28, Chargers 10
Minnesota (12-3) at Green Bay (8-6-1)
In the position to knock the Packers out of playoff contention, the Vikings played all their starters, much to the worriment of nobody in Green Bay's front office. The tables turned in the Acme Packaging Company's favor when Herschel Walker went out in the second quarter with an injury and unresolved feelings of guilt. Wade Wilson tried his best Walker imitation with a rushing touchdown before the half, but being down 21-7 in the Don Majkowski Majik Show was just too big of a hurdle to climb. The men in purple closed the gap to 3 points in the fourth quarter with a Wilson-to-Steve Jordan 50-yard hookup, but a failed onside kick followed by a Majkowski-to-Perry Kemp connection for a touchdown sealed the deal on a disappointing day for the Vikings and Fuad Reveiz, who missed two field goals that would have given them the lead late in the game.
The Vikings still own home field, which will give Walker an extra week to rest, but they limp in after losing three of their last four. Green Bay claims a spot in the playoff party with the win, and could be the most dangerous with their offensive weapons and their 2-to-1 blonde mullet ratio.
Final Score: Packers 31, Vikings 21
New England (3-12) at Cincinnati (8-7)
Forced into a must-win with the Broncos' very probable beatdown of San Diego, the Bengals gladly welcomed the put-out Patriots to town. Cincinnati has been dangerous at home all year, but never so much as now behind a very determined offense that has racked up 3 wins in a row to take them from obscurity to possible playoff bracket-buster. James Brooks showed why he is one of the more underrated backs in Tecmo with a 50 yard dash to paydirt in the opening quarter. Another weapon that has emerged for Cincinnati, Tim McGee, caught two Boomer passes for touchdowns and another to put them in scoring position. The Patriots made it a game at the start with a nice drive led by Steve Grogan and John Stephens, but those two together couldn't out-do the Irving Fryar "last year of my contract" blues, as he dropped two sure-touchdowns for New England.
While nobody doubted that they could beat New England at home, the Bengals have been known to drop should-wins before to assure a spot in the playoffs for an irrelevant AFC West team. Not so this time around, as they boot San Diego from the postseason, and follow it up with some penis drawings on B.J. Tolliver's passed-out face.
Final Score: Bengals 31, Patriots 13
Seattle (9-6) at Los Angeles Rams (9-6)
While this was never really an important game for Seattle (a loss still assured them of a playoff spot and potential division title), nobody thought they'd play the foil the way they did here. It was a Tecmo game that made me wonder if I had channeled a Week One MAN/COM game in another dimension, as the Rams demolished the Seahawks with every weapon they had. Seattle has never been known for consistent play, but no one could predict the way their usually stout defense gave up two touchdowns each to Curt Warner and Henry Ellard. To the Rams' credit, their defense did highlight the Seahawks' deficiencies well with a safety and sack-fumble for a touchdown by Vince Newsome.
The Seahawks didn't play like a playoff-bound team here, and their first-round opponent may be watching this game tape with as much fervor as they watch all their films played in dimly-lit rooms. The Rams knew they'd need lots of points for a shot at the division, and they get the job done here. They're assured of at least a spot, while also butting the Bears and loser of the Washington/Philadelphia game out of the playoffs. Seattle loses out on a nearly-certain division title to Denver with this uninspiring blow-out.
Final Score: Rams 47, Seahawks 3
Indianapolis (5-10) at Tampa Bay (6-9)
It was a battle of teams that have showed glimpses of real possibility, but a clear inability to pay off Japanese programmers in the ways of Seattle or Chicago. Albert Bentley was hot with 100 yards rushing, while Reggie Cobb wasn't far behind with 7 rushes for 90 yards. Jeff George out-threw his opponent Vinny Testaverde in picks, 3 to 2, but also threw 200 more yards to cover up his stinkiness, much like Rohn Stark would do with the Oust in the bathroom later that night.
Final Score: Colts 28, Buccaneers 20
Los Angeles Raiders (7-8) at Kansas City (6-9)
No longer playing for their postseason lives, the Raiders still couldn't be outplayed by a horribly disappointing Chiefs squad. The two teams combined for 219 passing yards, while the Oakland Raiders' leading rusher on a team with Bo and Marucs was quarterback Jay Schroeder with 34 yards on 1 attempt. Hopefully nobody told him to stop running and he'll meet up with obscurity sooner rather than later.
Final Score: Raiders 24, Chiefs 20
Houston (12-3) at New York Giants (10-5)
It was an important game for both teams' playoff positioning, with the Oilers taking over on a late touchdown to seal the Number 1 seed in the AFC and delaying New York's clinching of the NFC East. The Giants lost David Meggett in the fray, and couldn't make up his loss on the ground with 122 yards on a whopping 22 attempts. New York will watch the rest of the day's games to see where they wind up, knowing that a big win by Washington or Philadelphia may mean Phil Simms having to cancel his appearance on 'The Flo' infomercial during week one of the playoffs.
Final score: Oilers 21, Giants 14
Philadelphia (9-6) at Washington (9-6)
The Eagles jumped into an improbable second-place tie with Washington to set up a pivotal match-up in the final week of the season. They won the first meeting in Week 5, but that was at home in a much less pressurized situation. They visited the nation's capitol for a shot at a wild card berth, but ended up playing the springboard for Washington in their quest to steal the division from the Giants. By halftime, it was already 23-3 behind a very effective Mark Rypien and Earnest Byner. Philadelphia had multiple chances to score, but Washington showed why they're the number two ranked defense with multiple sacks of QB Eagles in the end zone, a blocked field goal and a safety.
The Redskins do double-duty in their division by Markus Koch-ing the Eagles out of the playoffs and taking advantage of Tecmo's simple points-differential tiebreaker to take the division away from New York. A loss by San Francisco will also give them a real shot of a first-week bye, something that seemed very far off even after a huge win in New York last week to put them here in the first place. It's already shaping up to be a competitive postseason in the NFC, and with Mark Rypien involved corners everywhere are stocking up on double-sided tape.
Final Score: Redskins 37, Eagles 6
4:00 Games
Phoenix (2-13) at New Orleans (7-8)
The Cardinals win their second in a row and third out of the last 16 with a late surprise touchdown to keep the Saints from achieving a rare .500 season. Timm Rosenbach was his famously inefficient self with just above 50% completion rate and only 127 yards, but Phoenix took advantage of a rare off-day from Steve Walsh to pin it in. Of course, fans in the desert are decrying the Cardinals' inability to even be the worst team in the NFL this year.
Final Score: Cardinals 24, Saints 21
Dallas (6-9) at Atlanta (5-10)
The Falcons claim their sixth victory here over a very dispossessed Cowboys team. Chris Miller, one of the more accurate passers in the game, was only 50%, but his inability to match Troy Aikman in interceptions kept them in the win column. Also, Atlanta's ability to have a star wide receiver in Andre Rison lead the team in receiving yards rather than a back-up running back in Tommie Agee was sure to have helped their cause.
Final Score: Falcons 20, Cowboys 14
Buffalo (11-3-1) at Detroit (4-11)
The Bills lost out on their chance for a number one seed with the Oilers' win, but still took care of business in Detroit. QB Bills had 184 yards passing, while Thurman Thomas had a robust 88 yards on 8 rushes. After they were taken out two minutes into the first quarter, they let Detroit beat themselves to assure their standing as one of the teams coached by Wayne Fontes.
Final Score: Bills 35, Lions 24
Chicago (8-7) at San Francisco (10-5)
The Bears apparently enjoy the taste of ten crates of champagne over a playoff berth, since they rocked the 49ers on the road despite being knocked out of the playoffs earlier by San Francisco's division-foes in the Rams. Fan-favorite Brad Muster was the first to enjoy it when he went out with an undisclosed injury in the 1st quarter, but the Bears defense held up to keep Tom Rathman at 32 yards rushing and Joe Montana at just 177 yards with an interception. Jim Harbaugh was an uncharacteristic 76% efficient with 251 yards, perhaps knowing that champagne tasted even better filtered through groupies' panties.
Final Score: Bears 34, 49ers 20
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So the final three divisions are clinched, seedings are finalized, and we're all set for the Tecmo Bowl playoffs. To be honest, I almost wish I could just end here, knowing that the excitement and drama we've encountered for the past seventeen weeks being almost too much to contain in these flawed shells we call bodies. Alas, Tecmo is not so forgiving, and we must forge ahead. While not all of our predictions came true, we couldn't be too much happier with how things panned out. Here's to hoping for an equally dramatic and improbable postseason leading up to a Tecmo Bowl game unlike any other in simulated COM-COM Tecmo history!
No comments:
Post a Comment