Monday Night Football: Washington vs. Denver

Like a fine aged cheese, John Elway stinks the longer you leave him out. So far, the captain of the Broncos has led his team to one win in five tries, not something any true blue Orange Crush fan club member can be happy with. Denver appears to have turned it around last week with Elway's first non-interception game against a hapless Chiefs team. Nonetheless, a win is a win, and they're hoping the momentum carries over to a tough encounter with the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football. The Redskins are coming in hot off a win themselves, beating on the lowly Cardinals after slumping for two games. Tonight will feature two quarterbacks looking for relevance again, one a weathered and worn soul named Mark Rypien, and the other being the suave and stylish John Elway. And though we like to poke fun at Rypien's immobility compared to Elway's runaway-train type speed, he at least has the composure not to look his age while posing in a pair of chest-high gym shorts. Let's head out to the field, shall we?

Quarter One
The able-bodied Brian Mitchell finds a home at the Washington 43-yard line to start out the game. From there, the Broncos defense, usually a remarkable example of ineptitude, washes over the Redskins' offensive line to form a nice Earnest Byner schmeer. Washington runs the popular yet unorthodox Byner-fumble-to-Gary-Clark play that nets the usual 49 yards to the Denver 13-yard line. Two plays later and only 4 yards the wiser, Rypien drops back and chucks it over to the 2-yard line where former first-round pick Dennis Smith is waiting in the wings for an interception.

The Broncos get a bit cute on their first play with a Mark Jackson reverse that is almost wiped out by a safety. At the 1-yard line and facing a long field, Reggie Rivers runs up the middle for an important 2 yard gain. On 3rd-and-9, Rivers finds himself dangling at the edge of danger when he's taken down back at the 1-yard line. Mike Horan is out to kick a ball.

Mark Rypien is reminded of what he was trying to do on the last drive, and lines a streaker into the waiting arms of Gary Clark along the sidelines for a quick score.

Washington leads 7-0
 
The Arthur Marshall fan club's favorite person returns a kick to the Denver 32-yard line to start of the next Broncos drive. The almighty Gaston Green picks up nearly 7 whole yards around the right side, but his football playing encounter is short-lived when the Reggie Rivers show picks back up. Two straight plays lead to a net of 0 yards, though one of them was a 4-yard first down run. Despite the amount of learning being done at this rushing clinic, John Elway takes charge on the next play and scampers all the way to the Washington 16-yard line to close out the first quarter of play.

Quarter Two
Elway runs another 10 yards like a teenage boy when his girlfriend's parents get home early, but the 4-yard Jackson reverse for a touchdown is what finally gets Coach Gibbs to pull out the shotgun.

Score tied 7-7

The Redskins begin their next drive at the 26-yard line, but the acquaintance is short-lived when Jeff Mills back-body-drops Rypien to the 16. On the next play, with all receivers open and shooting off signal flares, Rypien heaves up a pass that is blocked at the line of scrimmage. Mike Croel brings the drive to a sudden and sympathetic close with another bone-crushing sack of the stone-shoed Rypied.

After Marshall's punt return puts them at their own 43, Gaston Green is given the ball. He chalks up another successful positive-yardage run to the Washington 45. Two plays later, Elway mistakenly throws a pass to one of his own receivers, and Shannon Sharpe does his job in making the 45-yard catch-and-run look easy.

Denver leads 14-7

With the clock ticking at their own 29-yard line, the pride and joy of Abilene, Texas, Terry Orr, picks up a hefty 22 yards with a catch in the flat. Under a minute left, Byner is handed the ball and forgets to fumble it 19 yards later. Ricky Sanders is the target of Rypien's next pass, but when he's brought down at the Denver 8-yard line with just 10 seconds left, the Chip Lohmiller crew is sent out to clean up the mess.

Denver leads 14-10

Halftime: Broncos 14, Redskins 10

Quarter Three
When Marshall fumbles the opening kickoff, Keith Kartz seizes the opportunity to show off his cool maximum speed rating by hustling it out to the 29-yard line. A perfectly-timed Jackson reverse racks up another 13 yards, followed up by a stellar 15-yard jaunt from Gaston Green. Rivers tries to sneak back into the party, but the Redskins' hold him up for just 4 yards. Elway comes out in shotgun formation, but takes the smarter route by zig-zagging through the tripped up Redskins' defense for 23 of the 24 yards needed to score. Rivers picks up the touchdown two plays later as a reward for his hard work, though he was quoted after the game stating he'd have settled for a cookie or gold star on his locker.

Denver leads 21-10

Mitchell is on the receiving end of a booming David Treadwell kick in the end zone, and can only find his way out to the 7-yard line. The following are the Cliffs Notes version of the drive: Earnest Byner runs three times for 4 yards. Punt.

Marshall is burned good on the Goodburn punt at his own 42-yard line, where the Redskins defense digs in their heels to shut down the Broncos on the last two plays leading into the fourth quarter.

Quarter Four
Rivers comes out for an encore performance, but his famous 5-yard run isn't quite enough for the first down and Horan is out to punt the ball into the womb of a virginal Pamela Tebow.

Rypien goes to Clark on the first play from scrimmage, picking up a quick 26 yards. The follow-up passes to Sanders and Clark are smartly batted away by the wisened up Broncos' secondary, leading to a 3rd down play that sees Rypien get attacked by the Jeff Mills tickle-monster. Clark comes through on 4th-and-20, however, with a catch at the Denver 27-yard line that livens up the crowd. Popular John Muir High School alum Ricky Ervins can't drag down a Rypien pass in the end zone, and the next two plays are throwaways in the face of a riled up Denver blitz. On 4th-and-10, Rypien picks his poison with Sanders, and is nearly  picked again by Dennis "Swanson" Smith.

Denver, seeing about a minute left on the clock, decides it's now or never for another Jackson reverse. On second down after a loss of one, Elway drops back but finds Andre Collins trying to impregnate him just a few short seconds later. On third down and with just seconds left to go, Elway is once again honored by the presence of Collins when he refuses to kneel and is rewarded for his insolence by having his spine ripped out from his brain to end the game on a somewhat bittersweet note.

Final: Broncos 21, Redskins 10



As predicted, it was a pretty underwhelming performance from both teams, with Denver winning due to being the only team to remember to come back out of the locker room after halftime. Elway was less-than-effective through the air, connecting on only 25% of his passes, but his ground game led a team of underachievers, promoting shades of a 2012 offensive scheme twenty years too early. Rypien was hardly any better with his arm, but his inability to make up for his own rushing corps' woes left his team in a pile of Denver dust. The Broncos leave with the all-important second win to continue their winning roll, though it came at the cost of Elway's bones littering the field as the final seconds of the clock ticked away. It'll be a short week for the buckin' Broncos of Denver, which means future XFL MVP Tommy Maddox might want to start warming up a day early if he's to be in shape for any Million Dollar Championships.

Wild Card Weekend: Saturday Edition

It's time to break out the good beer and serious music: it's Tecmo playoff season. We didn't really know what to expect when we started this other than what was expected, and now it's finally time to forge the road that Buffalo and San Francisco will eventually take to the playoffs. Today we'll begin with a couple of 3-6 match-ups between teams that have all seen each other before. Seattle and Denver had two divisional match-ups in which they split, but Denver won the division so I guess blah blah blah whatever. Green Bay and the Rams had an altercation in Week 5 in which the Rams blew the Packers out behind a big game from Jim Everett, but Don Majkowski has a history of turning it up in the playoffs--and by that, of course, we mean high school, as this will be his first NFL playoff game.

6 Green Bay Packers (9-6-1) at 3 Los Angeles Rams (10-6)

And Faison applauds perhaps a bit disingenuously

Quarter One
Willie Anderson returns to the fray after a few weeks out. Derrick Faison, a late-season hero for the Rams, sits on the sidelines with a ball cap on. We're already thinking things don't bode well for the Rams, until Buford McGee returns the kickoff all the way to the Green Bay 30-yard line. This makes him the first Buford to ever return a kick in NFL playoff history, as well as the first man named Buford since the Civil War. On the first play from scrimmage, Anderson is welcomed back with a 30-yard toss from Jim Everett that's good for a Rams touchdown.

Los Angeles leads 7-0

Down early, Green Bay doesn't panic and instead goes the slow route with a few Sterling Sharpe reverse plays mixed in with some short dink-and-dunk passes. After the ninth Sharpe reverse somehow fools the Rams defense and goes for 35 yards, Keith Woodside chugs it in from 6 yards out to tie the game.

Score tied 7-7

Quarter Two
The Rams are forced to start behind the 50-yard line, which means they have to break out an actual playbook for this drive. They follow Cleveland Gary and Curt Warner downhill as they cut through the Green Bay defense like the hunk of cheddar they are, and in just under two minutes into the quarter Cleveland Gary's racing 22 yards to paydirt.

Los Angeles leads 14-7

The Sharpe reverse is blasted in two consecutive plays, and so the Packers bring out Don Majkowski for the first time this quarter to run a few plays. But on 3rd and 24, Don is running instead of throwing and the rabbit continues napping inside the hat as the Packers are forced to punt.

Everett, who's having a quietly perfect day, converts a perfect throwing drive into a perfect 30-yard catch and run from Mr. Perfect look-alike, Curt Warner. Oh wait, maybe that's Kurt Warner. Google images doesn't differentiate, so why should I?

Los Angeles leads 21-7

I think the wrong guy is jumping here

Green Bay faces a deep hole just before halftime, and for the first time in a while that doesn't refer to Anthony Dilweg. They play patient football, and after another long Sharpe reverse to the Rams' 26-yard line, Majkowski and Sharpe go to much more familiar territory with a 26-yard pass, leaving just 26 seconds on the clock. Somehow we just know this is going to turn into a Jim Carrey reference.

Los Angeles leads 21-14

With Green Bay appearing to come alive and getting the ball after the break, the Rams will have a lot to talk about in the locker room after all the hookers leave.

Halftime - Rams 21, Packers 14

And best Men's Swimsuit Edition cover ever

Quarter Three
When Sharpe converts a 3rd-and-1 situation at the Rams' 18-yard line with a 3-yard reverse, you can just feel a momentum shift akin to when Tony Mandarich jumps. Sharpe does a relatively larger amount of damage on the next play when he drags in a 15-yard touchdown pass from Majkowski to pull Green Bay even with plenty of game to go.

Score tied 21-21

After two straight Packer blitzes, the Rams suddenly face 3rd-and-29 and their first potential non-scoring drive of the game. That doesn't remove their cocky-factor, however, when they simply hand it off to Warner up the middle. He only gains 3, the Rams are punting, and somewhere the modesty gods are chuckling.

The quarter ends with the Packers driving, capping off with a trademark 15-yard run from Majkowski to push them deep into Los Angeles territory.

Quarter Four
The final chapter in this first wild card game of The Tecmo Bowl season begins with Green Bay taking their first lead of the game on a 25-yard lob to Sharpe for his third touchdown of the day.

Green Bay leads 28-21

Somewhere out from the pixellated blob
emerges Jerry Holmes

Inspired by their offense, the Packers draw up another blitz and, unaware of what to do, Warner decides to fumble the ball over to pride of Hempstead High School, Johnny Holland. Despite the cries coming from the sideline to drop to the field, Holland selfishly and vaingloriously trucks it 32 yards for a touchdown to show why Texans are the worst.

Green Bay leads 35-21

With their fortunes flipped in just a matter of one and a half minutes, the Rams begin marching down the field, taking off quite a bit of time, but now they're in the red zone and it'll all be worth it if Gary can just keep running toward the--well, there goes that.

Green Bay takes over on the fumble, but are forced into a three-and-out by the Rams defense when they shrug off their effective Sharpe reverse play for the first time in three consecutive plays.

With 9 seconds to go, Ellard buys some time by faking an injury after the kick return. Derrick Faison makes his triumphant return to the field, looking for some late-game magic, but when the pass goes to Warner instead the official scorers decide not to give the Rams the 15 style points they could have used to eke this one out.

Final Score: Packers 35, Rams 21

And a rare playoff appearance by the Rams shows just why they shouldn't be there to belong with. After an explosive start, they ended up beating themselves with cocky prima donna attitudes while Green Bay played the patient cat-and-mouse game to advance. While we have to give Los Angeles credit for pulling the rug out from beneath the 49ers and taking the division this year, we somehow knew that Green Bay would win by playing the grittier, smash-mouth kind of football that Tecmo is known for, despite what flashy YouTube videos or time-wasting blog posts may tell you. The Packers meet divisional rivals Minnesota for NFC Central bragging rights.

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6 Seattle Seahawks (9-7) at 3 Denver Broncos (9-7)

Quarter One
Denver begins their history-making march toward Tecmo Bowl glory with a John Elway interception on first down.

Nice cross-body throw, jackass

The Seahawks play the ball-control game, despite the popular game plan of keeping the ball in Elway's uncertain hands, running Derrick Fenner up the gut and completing short passes up the middle. After about 16 carries and 4 minutes tick off the clock, Fenner gets his first Tecmo playoff touchdown since that one weird Tuesday afternoon about sixteen years ago.

Seattle leads 7-0

Denver drives their horseshit carriage down into the Seattle red zone behind the non-Rams cornerback Bobby Humphrey, but Elway's teeth get in the way again and he lobs up another pick at the Seattle 6-yard line.

Quarter Two
Seattle sandwiches a long 50-yard pass to Brian Blades between hard-nose running from Derrick Fenner and John L. Williams, and before it turns into a party sub they finally get the touchdown behind an 8-yard classical score-accompanied run by Williams.

Seattle leads 14-0

Who knew the Murphy Brown painter was also a medic?

Big weapon and favorite Elway target Vance Johnson goes out after a decent return, kick-starting an inspired drive from Denver. Humphrey carves the number 6-ranked defense Seahawks defense like sushi as he roars down the field, capping it off with a 15-yard run for the score. On a team filled with jack-asses, Humphrey is one bright stallion.

Seattle leads 14-7

The Seahawks get the ball back with just enough time to get All-Pro kicker and Leave it to Beaver dad, Norm Johnson, on the field. This prospect is made possible after a huge 64-yard grab from Blades, and Johnson punches it in from 33 yards out.

Seattle leads 17-7

Halftime - Seahawks 17, Broncos 7

Quarter Three
Needing a three-and-out to get the ball back, the number 1-ranked defense shows its fury and forces GQ cover model Dave Krieg off the field, although giving the ball back to John Elway isn't always the best decision in a wild card game.

Ricky, you forgot your game ball

Just like in their Week 3 Monday Night battle, Sammy Winder gets the call when Steve Sewell goes out, hopefully generating a spark in the silent Denver offense. He carries the ball into the Seattle red zone, where Denver meets much better fortunes than last time when Elway finds Vance Johnson replacement, Ricky Nattiel, for his first playoff touchdown in Tecmo history.

Seattle leads 17-14

With their division champions marching back, Seattle knows they need to kick up their play to Space Needle levels. However, in just two plays, they're facing a 3rd and 9 situation. Krieg dumps it off to the dependable Ron Heller, a man who's been here before, but the play comes up just a yard short and the Broncos will be getting the ball back with a chance to take the lead.

The second largest construct in Seattle

Quarter Four
The indomitable monster that is the Seattle defense wakes up, crushing Winder and Elway on two separate plays to force a 3rd-and-19 situation. Elway sees the open field ahead of him and draws up the run, but once again makes the mistake of being the first person in history to not see Cortez Kennedy. Denver punts.

With just under four minutes left, Seattle goes with a few Fenner runs to drain out the clock. Unfortunately, this game planning only gets them to their own 45-yard line at the two minute warning, and the Denver defense will give their team another chance for a late drive to pull ahead.

Elway and his Broncos aren't making any friends on the other side of the ball when they put themselves quickly into a 3rd and 17. Tony Woods gets his national exposure on a sack of Elway to force 4th down, but the Broncos are saddling up. Unfortunately for them, Woods' works at a glue factory in the offseason.

Seattle takes over on downs at the Denver 18-yard line, but 3 incomplete Krieg passes keep them out of the end zone. They go for the sure 3 points from Norm Johnson, but now take just a shaky 6-point lead over the Broncos with still a minute to go for some Elway postseason magic. So far, they've only just seen amateur birthday party clown Elway.

We've already sold this screen to NFL films

Seattle leads 20-17

The Broncos start at their own 47-yard line with just 23 seconds to go. Needing a touchdown, Elway goes for broke with a flea-flicker to Nattiel that gets them to the Seattle 20-yard line. To set the scene, the Broncos call their play with just one second remaining and the season on the line. And here, the game ends in storybook fashion. We should mention that this is a Seattle storybook, and Nesby Glasgow is the Prince whereas Elway is the sharp-fanged dragon.

Final Score: Seahawks 20, Broncos 17


The Seahawks are the second 6-seed to advance today, but the more probable 6-seed to continue as their defense wins this one. With three picks of Elway and championing the time management factor of the the game, Seattle wins smart, not hard, and will now meet the Oilers next round. Although the Cinderella season continues for the Seahawks, the Moon is rising in Houston, and a good defense against Denver is wildly different than a good defense against this season's most prolific offense. In either case, Seattle didn't go home with the trophy but show that they should have taken the division with a decisive tiebreaking victory over Denver. But as a consolation trophy, the Broncos will get to go home to some frost-brewed Coors Light, of which you'll most likely find the players still buried beneath about two months from now.

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Don't forget, tomorrow we'll wind up wild card weekend with Cincinnati in Miami and the Giants taking on the 49ers. It'll be the first time men in blue will be seen in San Francisco since last weekend's parade!

Monday Night Football: Kansas City vs. Denver

Second Mecklenburg pic in two days = internet may explode

We turn the page on yet another chapter of The Tecmo Bowl season, and find ourselves staring face to face with a pivotal battle in the AFC West between the Chiefs and the Broncos. Kansas City stands two games behind Denver in first, and are battling their way back from the basement of the AFC with hefty helpings of Christian Okoye bone-crushing runs and Barry Word consuming defenses for fuel. The only problem is they now face the No.2-ranked defense in Denver, led by the fetal-position-inducing hits by Karl Mecklenburg. With San Diego's loss yesterday, the Broncos can take control of the division and put Kansas City's playoff hopes on ice all in the same game by claiming victory. Let's head to Mile High for some football and a little bit of oxygen deprivation!

Quarter One
Kansas City nearly paves the way to an early Denver score when Todd McNair fumbles the opening kickoff, but Alfredo Roberts scoops it up and gets the ball to the Kansas City 23-yard line. Steve DeBerg goes to the air on the first play from scrimmage, threading it in coverage to Stephone Paige in Denver's side of the field. Barry Word and Christian Okoye get it on back to back runs for a huge total of 7 yards, as only a COM-controlled attack by both backs could do, and facing 3rd and 3 the Chiefs go back to Word. He gets the first down with an additional 10 yards tacked on, but is stuffed three plays later on another 3rd and 3 situation, prompting Nick Lowery to grace the field with his future Hall-of-Fame leg. He mistakenly bounces it off the right upright from 35 yards out, and sees his nickname flips from Nick the Kick to something else that rhymes with Nick that we don't want little children reading.

As bodies of broken Broncos lay strewn on the field

The Broncos begin from their own 20-yard line after an angst-ridden boot by Lowery goes for a touchback. John Elway is promptly crushed by some fellows in red, led by Neil Smith, for a loss of eight yards. Bobby Humphrey loses an additional two on the next play, and so facing 3rd-and-20, Elway has nothing better to do than to be sacked just two yards from Safety World and the Chiefs are suddenly getting the ball back.

J.J. Birden is the punt returner, and his legs burden the Broncos when he gets the ball to their side of the field. Okoye gets the ball on first down, and immediately thunderbooms his way for 13 yards, and could possibly have had more with a wide open field had his shoelace not gotten caught in one of the earth's fissures.

Quarter Two
Word to your mother for 3 yards on first down, followed by a DeBerg pass that is blocked at the line of scrimmage, and the Chiefs are facing another third down dilemma. DeBerg gets the call to go back to the air, and for a moment this looks like a wise decision with a wide open Alfredo Roberts in the end zone. Unfortunately, his pass knocks over a nachos vendor, sending hot cheese and jalapenos hurtling into the sky, followed by a football kicked by Nick Lowery from 32 that hurtles through the uprights this time for three points.

Kansas City leads 3-0

Denver puts together another drive that's sure to see offensive coaches selling jock straps next year with a Humphrey run for a loss and two batted away passes, one from the flea flicker set-up. Mike Horan's punt winds up somewhere in the mesosphere, and the Chiefs get a new ball and a new set of downs to boot.

And suddenly, my Tecmo decisions
aren't so crazy after all

From the gun, DeBerg continues his streak of successfully incomplete passes. On second down, the streak is broken when his laser up the middle to Roberts is brought in at the Denver 45-yard line. A play action pass to Robb Thomas is broken up by two Denver defenders and the extra 'B' in his first name, and after Warren Powers sacks DeBerg back into Chiefs' territory it's third down. DeBerg goes out of the gun again, but his pass to Word is read all the way and the Chiefs are out to punt--scratch that, it looks like...it looks like Coach Mary Schottenheimer is sending Nick the Kick back out on the field! After missing one from 33 and another bouncing in off the uprights from 32, he's now being given a shot from those two combined...plus 2 more yards!

I don't want to spoil what happens, so I'll just begin with Denver's next drive from midfield. With 1:32 remaining on the clock, the Broncos smartly go with Everyday Steve Sewell for 13 yards. Humphrey tacks on 15 more over two more rushes, and the Broncos are down to 17 seconds left in the half. And just to prove that maybe even after watching Tecmo games for nearly 20 years I still don't know it all, Denver goes for one more play instead of kicking the automatic field goal that the COM almost always chooses under 20 seconds. This time it pays off for the men in orange, when Elway laces a beauty to Mark Jackson from 21-yards out, and the Broncos march into halftime with a lead they've had for exactly 10 seconds.

Halftime - Broncos 7, Chiefs 3

Quarter Three
Denver takes the ball in the second half with hopes of building on their lead. They start at their own thirty on first down, where they also start on second when Humphrey gets nowhere. Sewell takes it around the left side for six yards, and on 3rd and 4 we see when exactly the Broncos saved their big play for, as Elway hits Jackson at the Chiefs' 32-yard line. Two plays later, and Vance Johnson takes in his first pass of the game, dodging four Kansas City tacklers and Kip Winger in a rickshaw for Denver's second touchdown.

Denver leads 14-3

Kansas City gets a chance to answer with good field position at the 44-yard line. Okoye and Word share the first two carries for a total of 0 yards, about as many as left tackle Rich Baldinger has on the day, and on 3rd and 10 DeBerg goes to the air, finding Roberts for 15 yards into Denver territory. Word and Okoye pick it up on the next two plays for a total of 15 yards to the Broncos' 24-yard line. DeBerg faces a blitz on first and second down, and both times throws a pass that only hits the fingertips of Broncos' defenders. On 3rd and 10, Steve makes it happen again with a pass to Word on the run, who gains 14 yards to the Denver 9. Okoye gets it all the way to the 2-yard line on the next play, but a Rocky Mountain avalanche led by Marc Munford comes down on DeBerg, who loses 10 yards. On 3rd and goal from the 12-yard line, the Chiefs go with play-action and a pass to Okoye is overthrown in the end zone as the quarter comes to a quiet end.

Quarter Four
Lowery makes it a decent 50/50 day with a kick through the uprights from 30 yards out.

Denver leads 14-6

Thanks to the marquee, we now know Lowery didn't slip

Down by 8 with just under five minutes to go, Kansas City takes the less-conservative option and goes with the onside kick. John Elway recovers it and immediately begins digging into the turf at Mile High as eleven Chiefs plus a couple glue factory workers come tumbling toward him. Denver starts from their own 48, and one play later start forty more yards down the field after a big connection with Jackson. Elway looks to Johnson in the back of the end zone to put this one away, but Kevin Ross keeps his Chiefs in the game with a pick and touchback.

Okoye gets the ball on first down and gains 9 yards. Word manages to get the first down on the next play, but fumbles it over to Karl Mecklenburg who doesn't get any return yards due to his biting a chunk out of the football.

John Elway apparently doesn't want the ball back yet, as his pass via the flea flicker is intercepted for a second time by Kevin Ross in the end zone.

He's so scary, you can't even see him

The Chiefs get their season-defining drive underway with a Word handoff, who busts his way for 20 yards near midfield. DeBerg finds Paige on first down for 12 yards into Denver territory. Word gains another 8, and the Chiefs are forced to take their last time-out when he can't get out of bounds. Two straight passes to Paige in the end zone come with incompletions, and now Kansas City faces 3rd down with just 58 seconds to go. Coach Schottenheimer flips through his book for possible game-winning third down plays, and goes with the most obvious--a pitch to Okoye, who nightmares his way for a 33-yard touchdown about 18 minutes after he was asked to do so. The Chiefs pass on a game-tying 2-point conversion, and go for the sure extra point.

Denver leads 14-13

Kansas City fans everywhere are SMHing when the extra-point/onside kick plan fails, knowing they should have gone for two instead, and Denver wisely runs out the clock with surprisingly their first Johnson reverse of the day.

Final: Broncos 14, Chiefs 13

The Chiefs leave Denver two points from a win and from seeing their hopes for a playoff spot realized. After an inspiring 3-game win streak to pull themselves from a 2-5 debacle, they're now looking up at quite a few other teams in the AFC jockeying for position. Kansas City's run game was very present, with Word and Okoye teaming up for 122 yards, and DeBerg out-slung Elway on the field, but it all came down to missed opportunities. Also, Nick Lowery has to feel like a pretty big goat after this one--not for coming up short from 67-yards out, but from shanking a 33-yarder that turned out to be a game-changer. Denver sneaks away with this one after a shoddy performance, and stand alone atop the AFC West for at least one week. The Chiefs, meanwhile, have company in the Raiders at the bottom, and judging from what we know about Bob Golic, that's a party that not many people will come out of alive.

Looking Ahead: Week Four

In football itself, not much can be discerned from the first quarter of a game. Likewise, the first quarter of a season, while rife with excitement, tells us little about what to expect going forward. Will a team lunge forward right before the halfway point, preparing for a second half surge? Will a team crumble over the next few games, and fall too far back to stay in the fight? Week four presents some interesting match-ups, and some teams, while not quite facing must-win games, may find it harder to get back in the race if they can't jump the hurdle here. It's also the last week before teams have byes, so records will still make sense until about Week 11.

The early games on Sunday present a few key divisional match-ups, as well as some interesting inter-conference shake-downs that aren't exactly Super Bowl previews. After a career-defying game by Steve Grogan last week, the Patriots visit Houston to take on one of the few remaining undefeated teams in the Oilers and Warren Moon. It'll be an air-battle, with Moon throwing up gravity-defying passes, and Grogan passing up gravity-eating throws past the moon. While we hate to see teams lose here at Tecmo, a New England upset of Houston would just be good for the game of football, and strangely enough, put the Patriots within a half game of first place.

Another win, and Denver can continue their strange
suggestive celebrating to all of our collective disgust

After getting toasted by John Elway and the buckin' Broncos of Denver, Seattle welcomes Kansas City for a second straight divisional battle at home. The Chiefs lost their game last week as well, and both are looking up at the undefeated Chargers in the standings. Both teams will be itching to get back in the win column, and though it's early, a loss here would seem devastating with how much the West is living up to its wild nickname. Meanwhile, a battle will be brewing in San Diego at the same time, with the suddenly back-in-it Broncos visiting San Diego for what they hope is a winning end to their divisional road trip swing. That last statement shouldn't be confused with B.J. Tolliver's love for swinging in the offseason, in which he is always a winner.

With names like 'Mack', 'Slaughter', and 'Joines', Cleveland
easily strikes fear into any opponents' hearts

The early afternoon games also include some rousing inter-conference clashes, starting with Miami visiting Green Bay. The Packers return home with a 2-1 record, matching the division-leading Dolphins and their overlord Dan Marino. While the cold tundra isn't the most welcoming environment for the boys from the sunny south beach, it appears Miami is the more locked-in team right now--whereas Packer fans are simply hoping the team locks Majkowski away before he returns to earth. Also, the surprising 2-1 Browns visit the winless Giants. It's an important game for New York and their flickering playoff hopes, while the Browns are hoping the playoffs begin after this week. As exciting as the Browns have been, the Giants are too good a team to lose four in a row to start the season, just as Phil Simms is too mustache-less to be called a real man.

The late afternoon games include Buffalo visiting Tampa Bay and stealing all their players' wives, while Phoenix attempts a comeback tour in Dallas. The Jets also go to Chicago, my sources tell me. But the biggest match-up late Sunday will be San Francisco visiting Los Angeles to settle a few scores, most coming from Montana to Rice. The Rams shot to a quick 2-0 lead, while San Francisco has dropped the last two, to the surprise of all Tecmo fans and most Vegas bookies that have been following this blog. The 49ers can leap into a first place tie with Los Angeles, which is the obvious choice, but a Rams win would put enough distance in the early part of the season to give the Rams some breathing room, which they'll need after chasing Tom Rathman all over the field.

Football Night in America is brought to you from the Georgia Dome in Atlanta, where two elite teams on a crash course will meet, both bringing a sense of pride and intense determination to accomplish the same goal: win a game. Atlanta and the Los Angeles Raiders are the janitors of their respective divisions, cleaning the basement after hours while the teams above them party together, dancing to club beats and snorting lines with hundred-dollar bills in the bathrooms. Maybe that's an over-exaggeration; however, we wouldn't be over-exaggerating if we said that Jay Schroeder plans on throwing more interceptions than yards, while Chris Miller will be happy if anyone will catch his passes, on either side of the ball.

Barry Sanders' 11.5 yards per carry with no touchdowns
would have befuddled fantasy owners everywhere

And finally, the first quarter of our exciting Tecmo Bowl season concludes with a Monday Night Football match-up that was originally intended as a means to involve every team in a featured game, and eventually turned into a quizzically interesting showdown. Indianapolis visits Detroit, owning a 2-1 record and, depending on what happens in the earlier games, a chance to keep pace with the division leader(s). Detroit, meanwhile, hasn't won a single game, but, also depending on what happens, has a chance to keep pace within their division as well. The Lions are dead-last in total offense, while the Colts are 26th overall in defense, which either means this will be a dud of a game, or perhaps the most exciting throw-down since the XFL.

My references are bookmarked below, so please don't delete this entry, Wikipedia:

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AFC

NFC

Football Night in America: Denver vs. Seattle

Many battles have been won or lost due to this very screen

Earlier today saw the fall of Kansas City to 2-1, and the surprising Chargers of San Diego remain undefeated. To keep pace atop the division, Seattle will need their defense to keep a watchful eye on John Elway and his knack for the big play. The Seahawks are at home, putting Dave Krieg at a disadvantage for when the inevitable booing commences, but if he can somehow keep the Seahawks in the game long enough for his defense to score a few times, then he may be able to avoid the snarky comments until he gets into bed with his wife tonight. It's a beautiful night for Sunday Night Football in Seattle, with the forecast not calling for rain for the next seven minutes.


Quarter One
Seattle wins the toss, and a Chris Warren dash out to the Seattle 45-yard-line puts the Seahawks in prime punting position to start the game. Dave Krieg marches out to a chorus of pre-teen girls shrieking and lifting their shirts, and he appeases them all on second down when he completes a pass to Brian Blades for a 50 yard gain. Krieg lifts his own jersey to reveal 'Kelly Stouffer Rocks Dick' tattooed on his chiseled abs. John L. Williams, emphasis on the 'L', carries the ball for 8 yards, and when Krieg overthrows Tommy Kane in the end zone it's 3rd and 2. Williams gets the ball again, but is blitzed, and Stormin' Norm Johnson is out to punch in the first points of the game after an underwhelming finish to the first Seattle drive.

Seattle leads 3-0

Johnson did eventually find the end zone on this play

Vance Johnson helps the Denver cause out with a return to the Broncos' 48-yard line to start the drive. Bobby Humphrey gets the early workload with a run up the middle for 6 yards, and then a long catch-and-run for 32. But it is Johnson himself who gets to wash in the glory after a reverse pitch sadly fools the usually stalwart Seattle defense and Denver takes the lead.

Denver leads 7-3

Warren continues the streak of good field position with a return to the Seattle 46-yard line. Derrick Fenner promptly wipes out 2 of those yards, but redeems himself on the next play with a carry of 13 that is fumbled out of bounds for a confusing first down. When he loses two yards on the next play, Krieg kicks him out of the huddle and goes to the air on second down. Ron Heller, prized tight end from THE Oregon State and Super Bowl ring possessor with the 49ers, pulls down an 18-yard pass for a first down; however, the promising young season for Heller is cut short as he's carried off the field with a noticeable limp. Krieg, understandably shaken by the loss of his star tight end, scrambles for a yard on the next play, and then throws an incompletion as the quarter comes to a suddenly somber end.

Johnson barely got this one over the moat

Quarter Two
On 3rd and 9, John L. Williams, who nobody has ever confused with a Hollywood composer of the same name, carries the ball for only a meaningless yard. Sure-footed Norm Johnson kicks the 42-yard attempt wide left and the Seahawks are putting their undefeated streak and the chance that someone will survive a Tommy Kane mugging after the game in jeopardy.

Denver takes over at their own 32-yard line, and Mike Horan is on to punt from the 31 after the Broncos net a grand total of -1 yards on the drive.

Ironically, the other John Williams composed a score for
this fumble recovery by the punter

Horan, hero of his 3-on-3 pick-up game last Wednesday afternoon, unleashes his Superman-cape again when he scoops up a Warren fumble. He returns it to the Seattle 19-yard line, and suddenly the Seahawks look as doomed as the three Kryptonians trapped in the Phantom Zone. The Seahawks defense once again stands strong on the drive, however, with a few blitzes of John Elway and Steve Sewell to force a David Treadwell kick. The Broncos take a 7 point lead.

Denver leads 10-3

Warren gets the ball out to the Seattle 38, and on his way off the field he shouts at Krieg that he doesn't want to see the ball again before the end of the half. Krieg obliges with two straight incompletions, and suddenly the Seahawks are quickly facing 3rd and 10 after some poor clock management from Tom Flores' squad. Luckily, a 43-yard reception from Tommy Kane breathes new life into the Seahawks' hopes for some points before halftime. A Williams fumble swiftly erases any chance of that, unless you want to give the Seattle offense style points for kicking the ball around for fifteen seconds.

Kind of exaggerating the turf toe, aren't we Bobby?

During Denver's next possession, a Seattle fan proposed to his girlfriend in front of the concession stands, and a baby's diaper had to be changed. Oh yes, and Bobby Humphrey was injured after a meaningless 6-yard run.

Halftime - Broncos 10, Seahawks 3

Quarter Three
Modern-day renaissance man Vance Johnson carries the return out to the Denver 39-yard line. Despite the lead, the Broncos have only been on the field for a combined three Tecmo minutes, hardly enough time to ruin John Elway's flowing quaff. Nonetheless, he dons his not-clashing-in-the-least blue and orange helmet and gets to work. A beautifully executed lob to Johnson on first down for 53 yards gets the Broncos to first and goal with 8 yards to go, a distance that Elway covers in about 56 seconds for their second touchdown of the game.

Denver leads 17-3

I wish my expected job duties had exclamation points, too.

Elway's off the field in just over a minute, and so the exhausted and overworked Seattle offense is back on and starting at their own 35. Williams is entrusted with a pitch that's good for 15 yards, while Fenner is entrusted to be on the field during the next play. He ends up getting involved, much to the displeasure of all the Seahawks fans and a majority of the coaches, and his net gain of -1 yards quietly and sadly vindicates their preconditions. Even when Krieg wildly overthrows Kane for an interception by Steve Atwater, the fans are still crying for Fenner's head.

Former Broncos star running back and Southern Mississippi alum Sammy Winder is in for Bobby Humphrey, and his return to greatness begins with a 2-yard loss. Sewell gets involved on the next play for a 13-yard gain, a yardage amount that is replicated on an unexpected, yet somehow very expected, Vance Johnson reverse. Dan Reeves seizes the moment, and just when Seattle is thinking that a Johnson reverse is too predictable, Denver runs the Johnson reverse for 11 more yards. Elway goes to the air on the next play and has a pass fall into the protecting arms of Mark Jackson, who falls down at the Seattle half-yard line. The Seahawks defense faces one of their toughest challenges of the day with a goal line stand on first down, and allowing the Johnson reverse go in for a touchdown makes Seattle fans everywhere wonder if there are more things challenging the Seahawks' defense than just football.

Denver leads 24-3

Warren, who has spent more time on the field and racked up more yards than the entire Seattle offense, takes the ball to the Seahawks' 48. Williams takes it for five more yards into Broncos' territory as the quarter expires.

Quarter Four
Williams converts his second positive-yardage play in a row for 9 yards. On first and 10, Krieg flings a pass for a 38-yard touchdown completion to Travis McNeil, and the Seahawks have scored their first touchdown at a point in the game where 75% of the Seattle fans didn't get to see it.

Denver leads 24-10

The swan song of Sammy Winder: is this finally his year?

An inspired monster kick and stuff of Vance Johnson at his own 9-yard line is enough to get the sidelines fired up. It should be taken into account, however, that it's the Denver sideline that's excited, knowing that they have enough field left to run down the clock and score a dagger. An Elway dunk to Winder is good for 14 yards, but his job isn't done yet. Winder takes the ball again for a long 43-yard run, reflecting shades of his former Super Bowl-losing caliber of play. Two plays later it's 3rd and 9, and as the clock slowly ticks away on Seattle's short undefeated season, the Seahawks' reclaim their dignity on a blitz of Elway that forces Treadwell to miss from 53 yards.

Krieg takes over on downs, and on the first play he has all day to find out which of his four wide-open receivers he wants to overthrow, eventually deciding on Williams. The next play is a run play involving the glory-robbed Williams, who runs for 10 yards and a first down. Seattle uses its last time out with 1:41 remaining, in order to call another wild overthrow of McNeal. His next pass is even less successful, when what seems like an innocent overthrow of Brian Blades is intercepted by Wymon Henderson.

Two Steve Sewell rushes have the clock running down to less than 10 seconds, and on third down Elway risks throwing the ball instead of kneeling like a good sport, but his interception-less day is safe when a nameless Seattle defender bats the ball away instead of pulling it in, cementing a barf-worthy effort by the now cast-aside Seahawks defense.

Final: Broncos 24, Seahawks 10

Dave Krieg took a dookie on the national stage, and now the Seahawks fall into a second place tie with their recent foes in Denver and the Barry Word-led offense in Kansas City. Elway was his normal charming self with a modest 126 yards of passing, but his no picks to Dave Krieg's two are the real sign of a seasoned quarterback versus an over-zealous amateur. While there is work to be done on Seattle's ground game, Denver seems to have found their blessing in disguise with Sammy Winder coming out of his back-up role into the primary Broncos halfback position. Important divisional match-ups lie ahead for both teams, and Denver has a chance to jump-start their suddenly very real hopes of a divisional championship next week against San Diego. Seattle, meanwhile, will hold on to their hopes of getting a mid-season trade of Derrick Fenner to Kansas City for Christian Okoye; a hope that holds as much flicker as Krieg's chances of healing his chlamydia.