Looking Ahead: Week Sixteen

A long season is nearing its inevitable close, and yet we've just one champion in our midst: the San Diego Chargers. With only one team riding the magic carpet into the playoffs, it's going to be a bloodbath come Sunday as the rest are just a win (or loss from a rival) away from the crown. While not all of these match-ups contain divisional dust-ups and seem less significant than others, they all play some role, major or minor, in the calculating of algorithms that decide the destiny of each of our teams still in the hunt. The apocalypse is about to come 20 years early for a few of our beloved squads, and all we can say here is that the people we are today aren't going to be the same people we'll be once Monday morning hits. Let's get the rations ready.

The early games feature many teams still hanging on by their dirty, chipped fingernails to any playoff hopes. A year out from an improbable division championship, the Rams are now just a loss away from elimination, while even a win against the Packers has them scoreboard watching. Though Cleveland was just wiped from contention in the AFC Central, a division they had no business winning anyway, they still see light at the end of the tunnel should they beat their big brothers in Houston. Atlanta and Dallas meet in an NFC affair with playoff implications, while the Chargers hope to avenge their loss to the Raiders by knocking the silver and black bullies out of playoff consideration altogether.

Perhaps the most interesting match-up of the early games is one that could have been a de facto division championship between the Dolphins and Jets. Though New York is out of their own divisional race after sinking 4 of their last 5 games, they still hold the executioner's axe in the wild card race. Thanks to their tie game against Miami earlier in the year, they now hold the advantage over Cleveland, Cincinnati and Los Angeles, and a win would all-but behead all three teams' hopes of any postseason life. Meanwhile, San Francisco looks to get back in the NFC West, though with two games to go they may have found they waited too long. They'll need some help from Buffalo against New Orleans. The Bills, using a late-season 5-game win streak, are keeping Miami's heels a bit hotter than they'd like in the AFC East. And finally, we urge you to not avert your eyes despite how much you may desire to as Minnesota and Pittsburgh battle to see who wants out of the playoffs the most in their respective divisions.

Aside from Chicago trying to avoid a spoiler loss against Detroit to possibly leapfrog the Vikings, our late games mean nothing, and would quite possibly be a good time to plow yourself out of the snow fort nature built around your house over the weekend. Or get your special someone something from the Tecmo Bowl store for the holidays.

And finally, we're proud to present our final featured game in the Tecmo Bowl 1992 season. The Philadelphia Eagles return to the spotlight for the first time since Week One, where they'll take on reigning NFC Champions, the Washington Redskins. Washington was all but left for dead just a few weeks ago, yet suddenly they're back in the picture. Just as they did a year ago, the Redskins are more than ready to give the nearly-crowned Eagles a battle to the finish tape. Washington took Philadelphia to the limit in Week 7, and this time it's a do-or-die situation. Be here for this special Wednesday Night Football match-up when your Wii U inevitably bursts into flames the morning after Christmas.

***************************************************************************************

AFC

2 Games to Go

(^=playoffs *=division #=home field)

AFC East

^Miami (10-3-1) DIVISION with win OR BUF loss

Buffalo (9-5) -1.5 (Lose and out OR MIA win and out)

NY Jets (7-6-1) E

New England (4-10) E

Indianapolis (4-10) E

AFC Central

^Houston (10-4) DIVISION with win OR PIT loss

Pittsburgh (8-6) -2 (Lose and out OR HOU win and out)

Cleveland (7-7) E

Cincinnati (6-8) E

AFC West

*San Diego (10-4)

LA Raiders (6-8) E

Denver (5-9) E

Seattle (4-10) E

Kansas City (3-11) E

Wild Card

Buffalo (9-5) WILD CARD with win OR JET OR CLE loss

Pittsburgh (8-6) WILD CARD with win AND JET OR CLE loss

NY Jets (7-6-1) WILD CARD with win AND CLE, CIN, and RAI losses

Cleveland (7-7) -.5 (Lose AND JET win and out)

Cincinnati (6-8) -1.5 (Lose and out OR JET win and out)

LA Raiders (6-8) -1.5 (Lose and out OR JET win and out)

Denver (5-9) E

Seattle (4-10) E

New England (4-10) E

Indianapolis (4-10) E

Kansas City (3-11) E

 NFC

2 Games to Go

(^=playoffs *=division #=home field)

NFC East

Philadelphia (10-4) DIVISION with win AND DAL, WAS loss

Dallas (9-5) (Lose AND PHI win and out)

Washington (8-6) -2 (Lose and out OR PHI win and out)

NY Giants (5-9) E

Phoenix (2-12) E

NFC Central

Minnesota (9-5)

Chicago (9-5)

Tampa Bay (5-9) E

Detroit (4-10) E

Green Bay (4-10) E

NFC West

Atlanta (11-3) DIVISION with win AND NO loss

New Orleans (10-4) -1 (Lose AND ATL win and out)

San Francisco (9-5) -2 (Lose and out OR ATL win and out)

LA Rams (7-7) E

Wild Card

New Orleans (10-4) WILD CARD with win AND SF, DAL or CHI loss

San Francisco (9-5)

Dallas (9-5)

Chicago (9-5)

Washington (8-6) -1 (Lose AND any 2 of SF, DAL or CHI win and out)

LA Rams (7-7) -2 (Lose and out OR any 2 of SF, DAL or CHI win and out)

Tampa Bay (5-9) E

NY Giants (5-9) E

Detroit (4-10) E

Green Bay (4-10) E

Phoenix (2-12) E

Monday Night Football: Washington vs. Denver

Like a fine aged cheese, John Elway stinks the longer you leave him out. So far, the captain of the Broncos has led his team to one win in five tries, not something any true blue Orange Crush fan club member can be happy with. Denver appears to have turned it around last week with Elway's first non-interception game against a hapless Chiefs team. Nonetheless, a win is a win, and they're hoping the momentum carries over to a tough encounter with the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football. The Redskins are coming in hot off a win themselves, beating on the lowly Cardinals after slumping for two games. Tonight will feature two quarterbacks looking for relevance again, one a weathered and worn soul named Mark Rypien, and the other being the suave and stylish John Elway. And though we like to poke fun at Rypien's immobility compared to Elway's runaway-train type speed, he at least has the composure not to look his age while posing in a pair of chest-high gym shorts. Let's head out to the field, shall we?

Quarter One
The able-bodied Brian Mitchell finds a home at the Washington 43-yard line to start out the game. From there, the Broncos defense, usually a remarkable example of ineptitude, washes over the Redskins' offensive line to form a nice Earnest Byner schmeer. Washington runs the popular yet unorthodox Byner-fumble-to-Gary-Clark play that nets the usual 49 yards to the Denver 13-yard line. Two plays later and only 4 yards the wiser, Rypien drops back and chucks it over to the 2-yard line where former first-round pick Dennis Smith is waiting in the wings for an interception.

The Broncos get a bit cute on their first play with a Mark Jackson reverse that is almost wiped out by a safety. At the 1-yard line and facing a long field, Reggie Rivers runs up the middle for an important 2 yard gain. On 3rd-and-9, Rivers finds himself dangling at the edge of danger when he's taken down back at the 1-yard line. Mike Horan is out to kick a ball.

Mark Rypien is reminded of what he was trying to do on the last drive, and lines a streaker into the waiting arms of Gary Clark along the sidelines for a quick score.

Washington leads 7-0
 
The Arthur Marshall fan club's favorite person returns a kick to the Denver 32-yard line to start of the next Broncos drive. The almighty Gaston Green picks up nearly 7 whole yards around the right side, but his football playing encounter is short-lived when the Reggie Rivers show picks back up. Two straight plays lead to a net of 0 yards, though one of them was a 4-yard first down run. Despite the amount of learning being done at this rushing clinic, John Elway takes charge on the next play and scampers all the way to the Washington 16-yard line to close out the first quarter of play.

Quarter Two
Elway runs another 10 yards like a teenage boy when his girlfriend's parents get home early, but the 4-yard Jackson reverse for a touchdown is what finally gets Coach Gibbs to pull out the shotgun.

Score tied 7-7

The Redskins begin their next drive at the 26-yard line, but the acquaintance is short-lived when Jeff Mills back-body-drops Rypien to the 16. On the next play, with all receivers open and shooting off signal flares, Rypien heaves up a pass that is blocked at the line of scrimmage. Mike Croel brings the drive to a sudden and sympathetic close with another bone-crushing sack of the stone-shoed Rypied.

After Marshall's punt return puts them at their own 43, Gaston Green is given the ball. He chalks up another successful positive-yardage run to the Washington 45. Two plays later, Elway mistakenly throws a pass to one of his own receivers, and Shannon Sharpe does his job in making the 45-yard catch-and-run look easy.

Denver leads 14-7

With the clock ticking at their own 29-yard line, the pride and joy of Abilene, Texas, Terry Orr, picks up a hefty 22 yards with a catch in the flat. Under a minute left, Byner is handed the ball and forgets to fumble it 19 yards later. Ricky Sanders is the target of Rypien's next pass, but when he's brought down at the Denver 8-yard line with just 10 seconds left, the Chip Lohmiller crew is sent out to clean up the mess.

Denver leads 14-10

Halftime: Broncos 14, Redskins 10

Quarter Three
When Marshall fumbles the opening kickoff, Keith Kartz seizes the opportunity to show off his cool maximum speed rating by hustling it out to the 29-yard line. A perfectly-timed Jackson reverse racks up another 13 yards, followed up by a stellar 15-yard jaunt from Gaston Green. Rivers tries to sneak back into the party, but the Redskins' hold him up for just 4 yards. Elway comes out in shotgun formation, but takes the smarter route by zig-zagging through the tripped up Redskins' defense for 23 of the 24 yards needed to score. Rivers picks up the touchdown two plays later as a reward for his hard work, though he was quoted after the game stating he'd have settled for a cookie or gold star on his locker.

Denver leads 21-10

Mitchell is on the receiving end of a booming David Treadwell kick in the end zone, and can only find his way out to the 7-yard line. The following are the Cliffs Notes version of the drive: Earnest Byner runs three times for 4 yards. Punt.

Marshall is burned good on the Goodburn punt at his own 42-yard line, where the Redskins defense digs in their heels to shut down the Broncos on the last two plays leading into the fourth quarter.

Quarter Four
Rivers comes out for an encore performance, but his famous 5-yard run isn't quite enough for the first down and Horan is out to punt the ball into the womb of a virginal Pamela Tebow.

Rypien goes to Clark on the first play from scrimmage, picking up a quick 26 yards. The follow-up passes to Sanders and Clark are smartly batted away by the wisened up Broncos' secondary, leading to a 3rd down play that sees Rypien get attacked by the Jeff Mills tickle-monster. Clark comes through on 4th-and-20, however, with a catch at the Denver 27-yard line that livens up the crowd. Popular John Muir High School alum Ricky Ervins can't drag down a Rypien pass in the end zone, and the next two plays are throwaways in the face of a riled up Denver blitz. On 4th-and-10, Rypien picks his poison with Sanders, and is nearly  picked again by Dennis "Swanson" Smith.

Denver, seeing about a minute left on the clock, decides it's now or never for another Jackson reverse. On second down after a loss of one, Elway drops back but finds Andre Collins trying to impregnate him just a few short seconds later. On third down and with just seconds left to go, Elway is once again honored by the presence of Collins when he refuses to kneel and is rewarded for his insolence by having his spine ripped out from his brain to end the game on a somewhat bittersweet note.

Final: Broncos 21, Redskins 10



As predicted, it was a pretty underwhelming performance from both teams, with Denver winning due to being the only team to remember to come back out of the locker room after halftime. Elway was less-than-effective through the air, connecting on only 25% of his passes, but his ground game led a team of underachievers, promoting shades of a 2012 offensive scheme twenty years too early. Rypien was hardly any better with his arm, but his inability to make up for his own rushing corps' woes left his team in a pile of Denver dust. The Broncos leave with the all-important second win to continue their winning roll, though it came at the cost of Elway's bones littering the field as the final seconds of the clock ticked away. It'll be a short week for the buckin' Broncos of Denver, which means future XFL MVP Tommy Maddox might want to start warming up a day early if he's to be in shape for any Million Dollar Championships.

Looking Ahead: The Tecmo Bowl

We've come a long, long way together, through the hard times and the good. But there's no praising yet, as we've still got one game left. After seventeen weeks of regular season play and three playoff games, we're just as ready as all of you to walk away and pretend none of this ever happened. That would be unfair to all the Ernests of the world, however, and so we look ahead to the game that makes this all worth it in the end: The Tecmo Bowl.

It's been a long road for both teams in this year's Tecmo Bowl, even if one was been paved with slick, new tar and the other with the jagged bones of its quarterback. Houston rides into the great white north on a winged stallion that is Warren Moon, followed by a throng of titans in Haywood "Jeffries" and Ernest Givins. Losing only three games all year and never really facing a challenge within their own division, the Oilers ended the season strong to take the number one seed in the AFC and the best record in the NFL. They breezed past the surprising Seahawks in the Divisional round, and took advantage of their home field and an advantageous Tony Zendejas kick to beat a favored Bills team in the Conference Championship. And now they appear in the Tecmo Bowl very heavily favored, ready to wear the heavily bejeweled tiara for the first time in their franchise's history.

Washington hobbles into the Hubert Humphrey Metrodome with some aches and pains as this year's Cinderella team after a very dramatic postseason. After their star quarterback, Mark Rypien, went out on the first drive against the mighty San Francisco 49ers, the unlikely Stan Humphries hitched his apple cart to Art Monk and Earnest Byner's stars and the team upset the 49ers on a dramatic double jump catch in the end zone on the last play of the game. The next week they came to Minnesota to boot the number-one seeded Vikings out of a home-game championship after tackling Herschel Walker just yards away from the end zone. After a season that appeared to have the Redskins looking to fight and scrap for a wild card spot, they beat the division-leading Giants in a late season game and leapfrogged both New York and San Francisco, who lost in Week 17, for the number 2 seed.

We could continue to go on and on about the merits of both teams' accolades, but it may be best to break out the yard stick instead.

                     Washington                           Houston

                           10-6      Season Record        13-3

                            3-1      Featured Games       4-0

                            5-4      Same Opponents       9-0

                        375/279          PF/PA            436/335

                     12th (2810)      Pass Ranking        1st (3923)

                     13th (1633)      Rush Ranking        27th (919)

                           15th      Overall Offense      8th

                      1st (2186)      Pass Defense        17th (2941)

                     19th (1721)      Rush Defense        12th (1534)

                            2nd      Overall Defense      14th

                        Canadian      QB Ethnicity        Black

       Drunken gamblers that were        Mascots          Blue collar workers that

       wiped off the American map       Known For         put America on the map

   Named for President of the USA         Cities          Named for President of Texas

Explorers of modern day democracy         Known           Explorers of the moon

                Outlaws with guns          For            Outlaws with guns

Oh yeah, and I suppose we should mention that Houston beat Washington, 23-21, in Week Ten's installment of Monday Night Football...

So there you have it, a rather annoyingly detailed breakdown of the Championship game. Will we see the league's leading passer come out heaving? Or will Stan Humphries march his glass slippers up and down the Astroturf? Perhaps Mark Rypien will have healed up enough to cap off a rather productive season for his Redskins, and win another championship in the very stadium he won a Super Bowl in. While we're sure anything can happen in a game between these two teams, one thing remains a constant: the controlled atmosphere of the Metrodome in Minneapolis. On to the Tecmo Bowl!

Week Eleven: Full-On Frenzy

The byes are over and we've got a hefty schedule on hand this week. As seen in our Looking Ahead feature, it's a full deck filled with interesting storylines and playoff implications. Nobody's more excited to see this thing through than me, and now that we're getting closer to the last leg it's all finally being realized. Of course we'll miss the friends we've made and the new Tecmo memories that have been created, but I can only comment on the crummy play of Rodney Peete three or four more times before I start to question my own existence on this rock called Earth.

1:00 Games

Classic NFC West: Rivalries two time zones away

San Francisco (5-4) at New Orleans (4-5)

The Saints were passed over for dead just a few games into the season, but with a chance here to show up the 49ers and slip into a possible 1st place tie you'd have to believe Steve Walsh and Co. were ready to play to the best of their ability. And while the best of Walsh's ability wasn't too shabby with 87% completion and 1 pick to 3 touchdowns, and New Orleans owned the time of possession with 14 first downs, they unfortunately had to compete with the Holy Trinity, San Francisco chapter, in Joe Montana, Jerry Rice and Joe 'Holy Ghost' Rathman.

Final Score: 49ers 28, Saints 24

New York Giants (5-4) at Phoenix (1-9)

Timm Rosenbach had his foot on the Giants' throat with a lead in the fourth quarter, threatening a debilitating second loss in a row to the G-Men, but because Rosenbach's foot was mostly paper-mache and the Giants had Ottis Anderson rolling for 153 yards, they were able to somehow rebound with two unanswered touchdowns to get back on the winning track. Alternatively, the Cardinals have just one more win than you.

Final Score: Giants 24, Cardinals 14

The enigma of Eagles continues

Cleveland (4-5) at Philadelphia (5-4)

The Browns took the Eagles to overtime, and that was their second mistake. Their first was having their defense act as the red carpet for QB Eagles' comeback tour, who ran for 130 yards on just 8 carries. Cleveland led 27-13 in the fourth quarter, with a chance to throw a wrench into two divisional races, but decidedly fell apart faster than fellow Cleveland native Drew Carey's optimism at the beginning of each Price is Right episode.

Final Score: Eagles 33, Browns 27 (OT)

New England (1-8) at Miami (7-2)

The Phins trounced the Pats in their first match-up, and that was in New England. Therefore, we were understandably worried about the health and well-being of Foxboro's Finest when Dan Marino welcomed them to sunny Miami. The ruthless factor was toned down a bit, with Tony Paige taking over the offense with 55 yards rushing and 104 yards receiving, but I'm sure it was still quite difficult for Coach Shula to rein it in at thirty-five.

Final Score: Dolphins 35, Patriots 14

L.A. Raiders (4-5) at Denver (6-3)

What's more frustrating than a defensive coordinator having to plan against the two-headed she-witch of Marcus Allen and Bo Jackson? Offensive coordinators that don't utilize them. Allen led the Raiders in rushing with just 16 yards on 3 carries, while on the other side Bobby Humphrey ran over the L.A. 'D' for 111 yards. Denver gains yet another game over the Raiders, while Jay Schroeder gains a Careerbuilder profile.

Final Score: Broncos 34, Raiders 28 (OT)

New York Jets (3-6) at Indianapolis (2-7)

The Colts win their first game since Week 3, a win that, while coming much too late, reminds us of Indianapolis' glory days, with Jeff George tossing 205 yards and no picks and Albert Bentley rushing 88 yards and catching 3 balls for 75 yards. Call me strange, but I'm more excited to see who doesn't finish last in this division, rather than who finishes first.

Final Score: Colts 24, Jets 17

Kansas City (4-5) at L.A. Rams (5-4)

Somehow the Rams keep finding ways to crap on their amazing start, losing their fourth of the last five. Jim Everett lobbed up two picks and threw for an underwhelming 170 yards, while Steve DeBerg shocked the world with 175 yards and only 1 interception. Kansas City gets their much-needed win, while the Rams finally return the 'Divison Champions' banner to the 49ers that they stole at the beginning-of-the-season banquet.

Final Score: Chiefs 20, Rams 17

They had an extra uniform in the nurse's closet

Seattle (6-3) at San Diego (6-3)

Nate Lewis joins this rollicking affair, which came to an end with only 21 points scored and the Chargers taking revenge to kick Seattle out of the first-place club. While B.J. Tolliver was begging to lose with his 3 interceptions, Dave Krieg shattered his dreams with his decision to only connect on 25% of his passes and 84 yards. Once again, the AFC West reminds us why they're always the needy little brother at the playoffs party.

Final Score: Chargers 14, Seahawks 7

Tampa Bay (4-5) at Detroit (2-7)

The Buccaneers take advantage of their meeting in Detroit to get back to .500 after scoring in the fourth quarter to go ahead. Gary Anderson out-ran Barry Sanders by nearly 50 yards, while Vinny Testaverde slept through three quarters and then came out in his creamsicle sweatsuit and still out-passed Rodney Peete by 100 yards. Detroit hosts a Thanksgiving game next week, leading me to wonder why only a turkey gets lucky enough to be pardoned.

Final Score: Buccaneers 17, Lions 13

4:00 Games

Minnesota (9-1) at Chicago (4-5)

The Vikings travel to the Windy City to play the only team that's beaten them thus far. While Neal Anderson still made the Minnesota run defense look silly, the Vikings nab their tenth win in a row by silencing the mighty Jim Harbaugh with only 92 yards passing and taking over time of possession with 17 first downs. Minnesota is close to being the first to clinch their division, which may cause a Tecmo programming glitch.

Final Score: Vikings 21, Bears 16

We'll miss his happy smiles and season-crushing fumbles

Washington (5-4) at Atlanta (2-7)

Just when we thought there'd be some shuffling in the NFC East this week, Washington keeps its log in the jam with a predictable win against the hapless Falcons. Earnest Byner goes out in the first, throwing up question marks for what may remain of Washington's season, but Mark Rypien remains sharp with 244 yards and no picks. While his heroism is enough to keep the Redskins in the race, his finesse is what the ladies clamor for.

Final Score: Redskins 31, Falcons 21

Houston (7-2) at Dallas (5-4)

The 'Boys can't make it four in a row for their division, losing the Lone Star Battle to Houston. Dallas tried to rally from down 28-10, but Warren Moon fought them off by leading his team in passing, rushing, and would have led in receiving had his pass to himself not been overthrown by twenty yards. The Oilers will now be watching Monday's game with interest, but the kind of interest one gives to the wardrobe of a porno.

Final Score: Oilers 28, Cowboys 24

Eat your hearts out, soccer fans

Buffalo (7-2) at Green Bay (6-3)

I admit that, while the season is starting to round out into the conventional same-12 teams, we've had some fun surprises so far this year. Therefore, it couldn't have been complete without a five-quarter tie between two teams trying to keep pace with their red-hot division leaders. Majkowski and QB Bills combined for 507 yards passing, but neither could lob up the one pass needed to get in position for the win. Although it was a tough pill to swallow for Green Bay's division championship hopes, backup Packers' QB Anthony Dilweg had no problem kissing his sister on the lips.

Final Score: Bills 28, Packers 28

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We head into Monday night with the last two teams that have yet to be featured, the Cincinnati Bengals and Pittsburgh Steelers. It's an AFC Central showdown with a chance to stay in the hunt, and both teams are looking to their captains to continue leading them on the right path. Neither team has done much this season to stand out, perhaps the reason why they're the last to be featured, but they both are set to put on a great game with Pittsburgh's stout defense against Cincinnati's powerful offense. Look forward to a good mixture of Boomer passes and James Brooks prances, along with a dash of Bubby Brister trying to figure out if it's his socks or his shoes that go on first.

"Now listen Bubby, I know it's called a football, but you
have to stop kicking it to your receivers..."

Monday Night Football: Houston vs. Washington

It's a battle for continued Tecmo dominance, but Houston's showing a steadiness the Redskins' defensive line can only hope to grope for. Mark Rypien was one of the better quarterbacks early on in the year, but Warren Moon has more than surpassed him, both statistically and debonaire-ally. With a win, the Oilers move up to the top shelf of the AFC, and further separate themselves from their sick little brothers in their division. Washington tells a different tale, as a win puts them in sole possession of first in the NFC East, but a loss can make playoff calculating more of a task than third-year trigonometry. They meet in the nation's capital for an inter-conference battle with Tecmo Bowl implications. Who wants it more? We're not totally sure, but we have heard whispers about a former member of the dreaded Bermuda Triangle sniffing another NFL title. After all, going into somewhere and not coming back out sounds a lot like Houston's perennial playoff funk.


Quarter One

Not even using that weird "MAN-EMPTY AIR" hack

Although unpredictability is Houston's modus operandi, they go against their nature and elect to receive. Gerald McNeil sludges his way to the Oilers 39-yard line, where Warren Moon is acquainted with Washington's Darryl Grant on the first play from scrimmage for a loss of 9 yards. Moon shakes it off, flashes a smile at the sidelines for a quick $600 bucks, and throws a 70-yard touchdown to a very understatedly wide-open Drew Hill. Darryl Grant goes back to the sidelines a now jaded and bitter old man.

Houston leads 7-0

From his own end zone, Brian Mitchell bobs and weaves out to the Washington 25-yard line. Mark Rypien throws a laser shot to Ricky Sanders about 20 yards away, but he trips two defenders with his size 17 shoes and lugs all the way to the Houston 17-yard line. A Gary Clark reverse is good for 2 yards and three minutes off the clock, while Earnest Byner takes off another minute with a 14-yard scamper into the end zone.
Score tied 7-7

Mr. McNeil uses his swift stork legs to get out to the Houston 25-yard line. Moon gets his obligatory 'Moon Sneak' play in for a yard, followed by the obligatory pass to Haywood Jeffries who surprisingly can't pull it down. On 3rd and 9, Lorenzo White takes the direct snap but is stuffed after only 2 yards.

Greg Montgomery gets some good hang time with a punt to the Washington 16-yard line, and the Redskins will take over at the turn of the next quarter.

Quarter Two
Rypien's first pass from scrimmage is blocked. Byner takes the ball around the left side for 2 yards. It's 3rd and 8 and the only person that's surprised when Byner zig-zags for 21 yards is my dog, who's strangely mistaken Byner for a squirrel and is barking at the screen. Rypien scrambles himself, but is less successful with only a 3 yard gain. The Redskins go with play-action, but Rypien's dinner plate misses a wide-open Byner by about 8 yards. On 3rd and 7, Byner makes the unselfish decision to only gain 2 and the 'Skins are punting.

The Oilers take possession at their own 20-yard line after Kelly Goodburn gives the football a rug-burn in one of the luxury suites. Lorenzo White takes the ball for 2 yards, while Moon tacks on another 4 with a scramble. On 3rd and 4, a pass to Drew Hill isn't just caught in coverage, it's absorbed at the Redskins' 43-yard line. White lulls the Redskins to sleep on the next play with a 2-yard run, opening Moon up to hit Curtis Duncan, who outraces the entire Washington defense 41 yards for another Houston touchdown.

Houston leads 14-7

He's not 'Monk'-eying around! (Okay, so I lost my
picture caption notes...)

Brian Mitchell, the one who's not a politician or news reporter, carries a poor Zendejas kick into Houston territory at the 45-yard line. Gary Clark bobbles and loses a rare pass, and so Rypien goes the other way to Art Monk for a sure 45-yard touchdown. This one's heating up faster than one of Chip Lohmiller's famous grilled cheese sandwiches.

Score tied 14-14
The Oilers get one play off before the half, and it's a pass to Hill that he surprisingly doesn't pull in, despite having the advantage of having two men hanging off of him.

Halftime - Oilers 14, Redskins 14

Quarter Three
Mitchell is the recipient of a second-half kick, and he's able to carry the ball from the 2 to the 24-yard line for Washington. Rypien wisely goes to Byner on first down, but it's unwisely overthrown to a Houston defender and Rypien's continuing a trend that looked almost impossible at the start of the season.

The Oilers take over at their own 42-yard line, where White is also stuffed on the first play. Moon goes to his man in Drew Hill, but the pass is blocked. Like the stubborn, cranky old man he is, he goes back to Hill, and is rewarded with a 58-yard catch-and-run touchdown. Meanwhile, Washington is wondering why they decided to triple-cover Don Warren on that particular play.

Houston leads 21-14

Thanks for the help, dismembered arms on the 3

Mitchell gives the Redskins another chance at their own 14-yard line. Rypien is sacked twice afterwards, both by Sean Jones, and he avoids a safety by the length of a Canadian inch (called a 'centimeter' for you non-worldly basement dwellers). On 3rd and 24, however, Byner gift-wraps the safety on Rypien's behalf, and the Oilers get the ball back.

Houston leads 23-14

McNeil takes the ball out to the 29-yard line to start the drive. White gets the ball twice, but can only net 4 yards and the Oilers are suddenly facing 3rd and 6. White saves time by taking the direct snap, and it pays off when he runs 24 yards into Washington territory. Moon takes the snap on the next two plays, but loses a total of 13 yards when Wilber Marshall and Tracy Rocker send him crashing to earth. Facing 3rd-and 24, Moon tries to redeem himself with a sneak up the middle, but can't get back into Washington territory and the 'Skins will be getting the ball back right before the fourth quarter.

Mitchell starts his team right on the 20-yard line, and Byner gets three yards as the clock winds out with Washington down by 10.

Quarter Four
Byner starts the quarter how he ended the last with a 3-yard trot. On 3rd-and-4, Rypien goes the other way with a sack, and his pass to Art Monk on 4th-and-9 from his own 22-yard line is harmlessly batted away.

Houston continues to hoard their gifts as they begin their drive deep in Redskins' territory. Tracy Rocker gains some yards for Washington when he sacks Moon for 9 yards, but Moon gets it back with a pass to Jeffries. On 3rd and 10, Moon sees pressure coming his way and lobs it behind him to White. Suddenly, Zendejas is kicking a field goal attempt from 38 yards, and it goes wide left to give Washington new life.

Rypien gets to work fast with a huge lob to Sanders that goes from the Washington 21-yard line to the Houston 12 in a matter of eight seconds. Byner gets the ball on first down, but Al Smith hits him at about 28 miles per hour, grinding him into yellow and maroon dust. Rypien logically overthrows Monk in the back of the end zone, just so that he can hit him wide open on the next play for a 12-yard touchdown to put the 'Skins within two.

Houston leads 23-21

Not to be confused with the kind of blocking Ernest Givins
will be doing to Lorenzo White at the hotel tonight

Lohmiller gets involved in the Houston effort by only getting his kick to the 25-yard line, to which McNeil returns 21 yards near midfield. With 1:37 to go, White takes the ball for a conservative 1-yard run. 13 seconds later, White gains another 6, and Washington quickly takes its last time out with 1:10 to go. Needing the stop, the Redskins defense drops back when they see Moon in the gun. His pass to Hill is fortunately blocked, and suddenly RFK Stadium is falling apart faster than Congress as Washington will be getting the ball back with an entire fifty seconds left on the clock.

Montgomery goes for hang time over distance, but gets both when his punt goes for a touchback and takes 21 seconds off the clock. With 29 seconds left and needing to practically flip the field, Rypien goes with play action and is sacked by John Grimsley, effectively sealing it for Houston. With only 12 seconds left and no time-outs to stop the clock, Rypien drops back looking for Hail Mary mother of Grace. But since he missed church yesterday, the out of bounds paint keeps moving further away as he heads towards it, while the sands of time drop away.

Final: Oilers 23, Redskins 21

Another bull shit win on a bull shit safety for the Oilers, and pardon my snooty foreign language usage, but I can only watch Houston go into the playoffs so many times on wins like this before I smash some cupcake on my computer monitor. Luckily, the Redskins loss came with a fun scenario in the NFC East, the one thing I've written about more than Cortez Kennedy's remarkable thighs, therefore keeping both cupcake and monitor safe for another night. With a slightly better game, Rypien could have carried his team to a win, but it's hard to out-do the out-doable in Warren Moon. And while I didn't pick this game to watch a running battle between Lorenzo White and Earnest Byner, I of course wasn't let down by their magnificent display of ineptitude. So why did I pick this game? Oh, I don't know. Probably because I knew there'd be a lot of sky blue font, which happens to be one of my favorite colors.