THE TECMO BOWL: Buffalo vs. Philadelphia

Many traditions are practiced on the Saturday before the NFL's Super Bowl. Day-long marathons of past Super Bowl highlights. Fasting in order to be ready to drown your stomach bacteria in nacho cheese dip. And now, the internet's version of football supremacy, the Tecmo Bowl. Last year's contest was a barn-burner between Houston and Washington, going where no other football championships have dared in the Super Bowl era: sudden death overtime. It's difficult to outdo something when the bar is set so high, but if Dan Marino can still have love children in 2013, then damn it, the Tecmo Bowl can still be an edge-sitter's dream come true.

This year, Buffalo takes an 11-game win streak into the Tecmo Bowl with a healthy and helmeted Thurman Thomas carrying the team across a playoff field of worthy contenders to sunny Phoenix, Arizona. There, they'll meet the Philadelphia Eagles, winners of 12 games and the all-around best team out of the very competitive NFC. We've already done the breakdowns and examined the minutia of this match-up, so let's head to balmy Phoenix and the Sun Devil Stadium, where Coach Marv Levy is ripping off the sleeves of his new Bills sweater with disguised anger.

Thanks to the unstoppable system of tubes called the internet, video footage of the game has already leaked to YouTube. If you're the visual type, you may want to watch highlights there. Otherwise, enjoy this supplementary text, nerd.

The Tecmo Bowl

Quarter One
A rocketing kick off the ankle of Roger Ruzek has Buffalo pinned at their own 4-yard line. The Bills, undeterred from this predicament thanks to their own potent offensive weaponry, get started with the Thurminator right away, as he takes the rock 8 yards up the middle for some breathing room. The Eagles 'D' hunkers down from this point on, forcing the Bills into their first 3-and-out since the second quarter in Week 11.

Philadelphia heads off their first drive of the Tecmo Bowl with delicious field position at the Buffalo 41-yard line. With Herschel Walker enjoying his team's Championship run from the comforts of his own hospital bed hooked up to a breathing machine, Keith Byars and Heath Sherman double-team to grind out some yardage. Randall Cunningham tries to switch things up by using his arm, though without a ball attached to throw he's forced to resort to his legs. Cunningham uses his bursting power to blow past some Buffalo defenders to get to the 10-yard line. And, apparently being too early in the game for the Bills to play strategy, Cunningham takes the exact same designed run play untouched into the end zone.

Philadelphia leads 7-0

Kenneth Davis gives his team considerably better field position at their own 40, while Thurman proceeds to cut the field in half with a 34-yard scamper on first down. It's all Carwell Gardner up in here from this point, with two short, belabored runs mixed with an under-thrown Kelly pass leading to Buffalo suddenly needing a big pick-up on 3rd down in a drive that surely saw them coming away with at least 6. Unfortunately, the Eagles defense have their acute sights set on their prey, and feast on a pitch play to Thurman that force Buffalo to send out Steve Christie for the chip shot.

Philadelphia leads 7-3

Quarter Two
Cunningham tries to keep the Bills guessing on their second drive by throwing a game of "500" to his receivers. Without adding "dead or alive" kept them from laying out for his lame ducks, however, and when he tries to go on the run and is blitzed, Philadelphia suddenly sees any momentum they had being taken from them, dead or alive.

Gardner tries his best to earn his Tecmo Bowl paycheck, but when losing two yards starts eating into his net pay, he opts to let Thurman take it on second down. Inspired by his robbery of the rushing title at the end of the season, Thomas lights up the Eagles once again with a pitch that he carries 38 yards across midfield. However, though he has his helmet, he forgot to pine tar his gloves, and the ball comes bobbling out and over to Tackle Andy Harmon who, after hustling behind Thomas for some reason, is able to return the ball back to his team's 40-yard line. And that's how you earn a paycheck.

Cunningham, unconcerned with his own pay thanks to his latest Dodge Caravan endorsement, shoots an errant dart right into the diving hands of Safety Henry Jones on first down.

With time suddenly becoming a factor in the first half, Kelly goes to the air on first down. His pass over the middle to Andre Reed proves to be a bit too saucy for the receiver to handle, so he goes back to the ground with Thurman. The Eagles, still not satiated with their last gnashing of Thomas, drop him for a loss of 1. They follow this up with a blitz of Kelly, putting the ball back in the hands of the inferior half of their team.

Philadelphia tries to get a quick drive going with under 30 seconds to play, but the potent punt from Chris Mohr has them pinned a bit too far back. By the time Pat Beach is hauling in his obligatory one reception per game, the Mighty Bomb jacks are already synchronized huffing on the NFL shield.

Halftime - Eagles 7, Bills 3

Quarter Three
Thanks to the exalting ministry of a one Mr. Cunningham during halftime, the Eagles are graced with a second chance to start the second half, where the drive gets ripping early with a 21-yard run from the preacher man to midfield. From there, Cunningham keeps his completion streak going by heaving up a ball to Calvin Williams, who leaps, pulls it down, and runs past the weary Buffalo secondary for Philadelphia's second score.

Philadelphia leads 14-3

Needing to start the catch-up process early, Buffalo goes to the only weapon that seems to be working in Thurman Thomas, who follows up an impressive 12-yard needle-threading run with a 56-yard scamper to the Philadelphia 11-yard line. Knowing that he's enraged the birds of prey, Thomas takes leave of the field to put the scoring duties in the hands of his captain, Jim Kelly. The enormous drop-off that Kelly has experienced since exposing himself (legally) to the masses is never more apparent than over the next two plays where his pass sail into uncharted territory. Even Thomas fails to cap off the large gash he tore into the Eagles front seven when he's called upon during third down, and Steve Christie marches out to the tune of 40,000 boos.

Philadelphia leads 14-6

Christie follows up his near-miss from 20 yards out with a kick off his big toe that has Vai Sikahema skirting midfield. Sherman tries his best to eat up some yardage and time, but when he eats up the yards behind him Cunningham is forced to sear the air with another of his lobs. Though his completion streak remains in tact, it falls into the forearms of the opposing Mark Kelso all the way at the Buffalo 3-yard line.

Quarter Four
With the sun setting fast in Phoenix, the Bills get started on their march to a 12th consecutive win and a Tecmo Bowl Championship with a Carwell Gardner bumble for 2 yards. Things turn around quickly, however, when Thomas takes a sure loss 18 yards out to the 23-yard line, followed up by James Lofton diving for a catch in coverage to help Kelly complete his first pass of the game. Two plays later, Thomas takes another dangerous pitch play 29 yards to the Philadelphia 26, though all his fancy footwork is, at this point, only serving to eat up precious time. The Eagles' defense, as they have all day, stand their ground after giving some away, keeping Buffalo from converting on three straight plays to force another Christie appearance. Knowing they'd need a field goal either way, Bills fans aren't too enraged with this somewhat disappointing turn of events. Unfortunately, their bad vibes stemming from the Scott Norwood experience are enough to create a strong Arizona crosswind that pushes Christie's 40-yard kick wide right. Somewhere, Norwood's fifth bottle of wine suddenly takes on a sweet, succulent flavor.

With a first recognized world football championship in their sights, the Eagles opt to make things interesting by calling a pass in the flat that is inevitably intercepted by Nate Odomes at Philadelphia's own 29-yard line.

Kelly keeps his chemistry with Lofton alive with a throw on first down that finds the charismatic receiver wide open on the sideline. Buffalo scores their first touchdown, though time appears to not be on their side in more ways than one, with the option for 2-point conversions in the Tecmo Bowl still being debated somewhere on a message board in the Midwest.

Philadelphia leads 14-13

The Eagles wisely start things a little more conservatively on their next drive, though Buffalo comes at them with a renewed sense of what's at stake, with two straight blitzes knocking Philadelphia back near their own end zone. Needing a first down to seal the deal, Cunningham once severely underthrows a receiver, this time being Fred Barnett. The young receiver makes a heroic effort on the national stage, coming back for the ball and pulling it in for a first down. Philadelphia continues to drive out from under the shadow of a humiliating comeback defeat, though Cunningham fittingly ends the game by fumbling as time expires on the 1992 Tecmo Bowl season.

Final Score: Eagles 14, Bills 13

Yes, somehow this was a game featuring the two best teams from a 28-team field in this year's Tecmo Bowl season. Whether they were both out of gas from dominating their respective conferences during the regular season, or they were just there to prolong the party from the night before, both teams put on a rather pathetic showing in the game of the year. Thurman Thomas was the most skilled player on the field, though even he committed a very costly mistake that remains one of the many turning points in this close-fought contest to give the Championship away. That Buffalo couldn't pull out a win after three Cunningham interceptions and a fumble says a lot about the legs of this team, which appeared infallible after a dominant 11-game win streak. The MVP of this game is a rare collective one, given out to the Philadelphia defense for not only saving their offense's ass, but also exposing Buffalo's greatest weakness: their chew-spitting, gun-toting, uncomfortable with the limelight quarterback, who only completed two passes--both coming after about three and a half quarters. Congratulations, Philadelphia, you've got your first football championship. Now go home before anyone notices.

The season may be over, but our head writer, Butt Douglas, will be defending his own 1-2 record at the next Madison, WI tournament: Tecmo IX: Marino Royale. If you're not signed up, you can still go and cheer him and the rest of the 200+ competitors on and keep the exciting Tecmo momentum going!

Looking Ahead: The Tecmo Bowl, 1992

Another turning point, a Pete Metzalaars stuck in the road. And now, we're grabbing you by the wrist to force you to watch just one more game this season: the 1992 Tecmo Bowl. There were plenty of turning points and places where this season could have veered off the road, however their has always been just one, predestined game to cap it all off. Buffalo versus Philadelphia. Chicken versus Steak. Super Bowl ineptitude versus Super Bowl absence. It all ends here.

Despite the fact that football teams in the National Football League take the field against another team each and every week, the road to a football championship is a long and lonely one. Each team must find their own way. They must fight their own battles and find ways to keep their own fans at bay. After losing four Super Bowls in a row, Buffalo had to figure out a new formula. And after winning just 4 games in their first 9, Buffalo fans were getting out the Formula 409 to wipe their team off the grid. The Bills answered their fans' challenge, however, and since their 10th game they haven't lost. They haven't even come close. Buffalo has controlled the road to their championship behind a Top 5 Defense and the best running back in the league, Thurman Thomas. They went up quickly on Pittsburgh, then held them off before laying waste to the AFC's best in Houston and San Diego. And though Jim Kelly has seemingly forgotten his role since losing the 'QB' before his name, he's kept enough poise and leadership to make sure his team doesn't lose sight of their goal.

Philadelphia is a city filled with proud sports fans, though their football franchise has certainly left them with little to be proud of. Participants in only two Super Bowls spaced a quarter century apart, the Eagles have lost both without much of a fight. Philadelphia may be the host city to Rocky Balboa, however the level of fight they routinely bring to the big show is lacking. This year, things are different. Philadelphia took the road well-travelled, and it made all the difference in their ability to plow through their division en route to the Number 1 seed in the NFC and a walk through the playoffs. If Philadelphia is set to wear the choke collars during the Tecmo Bowl, they haven't let on as of yet. Their talent isn't spoken to in their numbers, with mediocre offensive and defensive rankings, though they carry the ultimate X-Factor: the ex-QB Eagles, Randall Cunningham and an athletic ability that has him soaring each week as high as his aptly-named mascot.

        Buffalo                           Philadelphia

                           11-5      Season Record        12-4

                            3-0      Featured Games       2-1

                            2-2      Same Opponents       3-1

                        402/310          PF/PA            409/327

                     25th (2338)      Pass Ranking        19th (2583)

                      3rd (2222)      Rush Ranking        4th (2041)

                            9th      Overall Offense      8th

                     18th (2934)      Pass Defense        20th (2949)

                      1st (1064)      Rush Defense        15th (1535)

                            5th      Overall Defense      18th

 

                            5.1      QB 40-yard Dash      Less than 12 parsecs

 

     Soldier, Showman and                Mascots          Predator, Pilot and

     record-breaking bison hunter       Known For         record-making rock band

 

                 The "Queen" City        Cities           City of "Brotherly Love"

        Next to big body of water        Known            Big bodies filled with water

                        Hot wings         For             Hot air

And now, the lonely roads of both teams are about to get a little more crowded, as the numbers 1 (Buffalo) and 2 (Philadelphia) ranked teams in our final Power Rankings fittingly meet here in a game of destiny. Meet us next week at the Sun Devil Stadium in Phoenix, Arizona where Randall Cunningham returns to a popular site during his college heyday while playing with UNLV. Also, Jim Kelly played for the USFL Houston Gamblers, so traveling all night from Sin City to the Tecmo Bowl isn't necessarily out of the question.

Conference Championship Weekend

28 teams started, and now only 4 remain. Are they the best of the best? That's hard to say. Like a quiet rebel, many good teams have fallen before their time. The one thing that separates those teams from these four, however, is the one simple fact that they couldn't win in the big game. Today, we'll see one team that was on the outside looking in halfway through the season, and then railed off 9 wins in a row (including 2 in the postseason). Another never knew the meaning of calm, tussling with two other teams for a division crown until the very last week. There's a squad that's new to late January football, outside of their quarterback that was so close to a gold ring last year. And finally, a team that's always played the quiet character roles in the playoffs but never saw the fireworks and jet fighters in February. It's all going to be settled right here, right now, on Conference Championship Weekend.

AFC Championship
4 Buffalo (13-5) at 3 San Diego (12-6)

Quarter One
Sometimes, one gets the feeling for how a game's going to go even within the first minute or two. It could be the look in a player's eyes. It could be the electricity in the air. Or it could be Kenneth Davis returning your team's kick to your own 7-yard line, setting up a direct snap to Thurman Thomas for his first touchdown of the day.

Buffalo leads 7-0

The Chargers didn't get this far by making things easy on themselves, however. And that was never more evident than when, after two quick plays put them in scoring position, Stan Humphries lobbed up a flea-flicked pass into the end zone that's easy-'pickin's for Henry Jones. The Bills start with a little less-favorable field position at their own 20, but find it pretty easy to flip the field with Thurman Thomas and Andre Reed. James Lofton brings down a 15-yard pass to get back inside the red zone, the only place Thurman Thomas visits more than Mount Cavalry Baptist church. And just as Derek Schaul, the 1995 Illinois State Tecmo Champion, proclaimed all those many years ago, "Ain't no stoppin' me...Ain't no stoppin' Thurman T!"

Buffalo leads 14-0

Quarter Two
After a decent return, the Chargers finally get the gears turning behind Humphries and Anthony Miller, with Miller pulling down a 35-yard completion over the heads of two Buffalo defenders. Rod Bernstine gets his first called run of the game but hits a wall, leading to the team's previous rusher and current secret weapon, Marion Butts, grabbing a pass up the middle and running untouched into the end zone.

Buffalo leads 14-7

Buffalo's biggest offensive weapon so far this game, San Diego kicker John Carney, comes through again with a blooper kick, prompting another stellar Kenneth Davis return. It's all Thomas from there, with an 18-yard pass sandwiched by two long runs, including a 14-yard touchdown scamper that has nobody with Bolt helmets within 5 yards of him.

Buffalo leads 21-7

While the Bills are making it look easy, San Diego takes over fighting for every yard they can get. But Rod Bernstine didn't come all this way to drink his Gatorade for a small endorsement deal; he wants the whole prize package. Bernstine busts through the entire Bills' defensive line for 16 yards to cross midfield, followed up by two passes to 'Lightning' Rod that suddenly has the Buffalo end zone within sniffing distance. Bernstine falls backwards on first down, but just one play later he's back to upending defenders for a 7-yard charge up the middle to close the gap.

Buffalo leads 21-14

With just under a minute remaining in the half, Carney takes it easy with his kick, allowing the Bills a chance for one play at the San Diego 46-yard line. That's all the field Thurman needs, outracing the defenders and the clock for a wind-sucking score to put Buffalo up by 14 at the half.

Halftime - Bills 28, Chargers 14

Quarter Three
Grace is found in San Diego when the Chargers don't have to start the half behind John Carney. Instead, with Stan Humphries under center, San Diego goes on a drive that eats up an entire quarter and has them back within a touchdown after some more back-breaking runs from Bernstine and long Anthony Miller reverses, including the gutsy call on 3rd and goal from the 1 to have Miller carry the rock across the line.

Buffalo leads 28-21

Quarter Four
Though much can be said about San Diego's work ethic and heart in taking up a whole quarter to keep the explosive Buffalo offense off the field, much more can be said about that particular offense's capability to score at whim. Pete Metzalaars brings down a Jim Kelly pass on first down at the San Diego 13, and with 4 open receivers on the next play, Kelly chooses Carwell Gardner to carry the prize to extend their lead again.

Buffalo leads 35-21

After trying to replicate their methods from the third quarter, the Chargers finally realize that they don't get paid to wear Timex watches just for the endorsement deal and decide to go flea-flicker style to Anthony Miller. Humphries' pass is right on the clearly visible 'X', though only Miller apparently saw it as he's alone on the sideline and all the way into the end zone.

Buffalo leads 35-28

Playing catch-up has been fun for the Chargers, but with time running out they'll need to find a way to pull out at least 8 points from their gaudy navy and yellow jerseys in just two minutes to keep the glass slippers polished for Stan and crew. Though two minutes seems like hardly enough time to blink for San Diego, it's an eternity for Buffalo, and it's the Bills who score the next barrage of points. First, after another poor Carney kick that leads to Gardner taking advantage of the bullseye on Thomas for his second score...

Buffalo leads 42-28

...and then Kelly choosing to lob it up to a wide open Andre Reed instead of graciously taking a knee after Humphries' last pass of the season is intercepted.

Final Score: Bills 49, Chargers 28

The score indicates a Bills blowout, however outside the inexplicable late-second half touchdown run from Thomas and the even less inexplicable and unsportsmanlike touchdown pass to Reed with no time remaining, the Chargers were within a touchdown the entire game. Humphries will miss out on his second consecutive Tecmo Bowl appearance, while the Chargers, perhaps the best team in the first 3 quarters of the season for the AFC, will go home with the sour taste of Thurman Thomas' cleats in their mouths as Buffalo's 10th straight victim. 10 is a nice, round number, however it's the number 11 that remains the most important for Buffalo. Double digit wins in a row mean nothing if Buffalo can't bring home their first football championship since the merger. They've gone one step further than last year when they were a much better team. And though the Bills don't carry much sympathy with Tecmo fans, it can't be denied that the wicked stepmother of the AFC has now become the rag-wearing, pumpkin-riding princess. They were left for dead halfway through the season, and now they're in the Tecmo Bowl.

*************************************************************************************** 

NFC Championship
2 Atlanta (13-4) at 1 Philadelphia (13-4)

Quarter One
Like they have all season, the Falcons provide the firepower right off the bat, as Chris Miller spreads it out to his receivers, from Harper Lebel to Andre Rison, to have Atlanta on the board after running it in himself. The Eagles may have earned their title as best in the NFC heading into the playoffs, but Atlanta didn't contend and conquer the best division in football without making fools out of a few defenses.

Atlanta leads 7-0

Vai Sikahema takes his team on his back, keeping the trend of outstanding returns alive by breaking a tackle at his own 30 and then running untouched to the Atlanta 32-yard line. The favorable field position sets up for the most dynamic quarterback in the game to find Calvin Williams after faking a run.

Score tied 7-7

The first quarter of this NFC Championship comes to a close with the score tied, but Atlanta driving behind the arm of Miller, who even makes a receiver out of 'Sub-Par' Steve Broussard with a 49-yard completion.

Quarter Two
The Philadelphia defense, one of the hardest hitting in the game, stands their ground over two plays to keep the Falcons at bay at the 2-yard line. Miller's a hard guy to deny, however, and when his arm can't do the job, his legs find a way and he's in for his second rushing touchdown of the game.

Atlanta leads 14-7

While the Eagles are contending to keep it a game, Norm Johnson is contending for worst kickoff on the day against John Carney by botching one to the Eagles' 40-yard line, allowing for Sikahema to cross over to the Falcons' 43. Heath Sherman is the ball-carrier for a 35-yard run along the sidelines to the 8, though it's Cunningham, who's aura is so strong, that appears to dissolve any defenders in front of him to score. The rushing touchdowns by a quarterback margin has now reached a more stable -1 for the former Mr. Eagles.

Score tied 14-14

The Falcons have controlled the pace of the game for the most part to this point, but a few close calls have them treading dangerously along the Dan Marino line after Tony Smith nearly fumbles the kickoff and Miller is saved by the cement block hands of Eagles cornerback Otis Smith. Despite these myriad miscues, Atlanta manages to break their way down to the Philadelphia 15. Unfortunately, the inevitable was only delayed when Smith finally coughed the ball up and over to John Booty at the 7-yard line.

The long field ahead of him isn't long enough for Randall Cunningham to even the series to two-a-piece, with his 93-yard scamper as the half expires not only stunning the Atlanta fans in attendance, but completely switching the momentum over to the less-dirty but still slightly dingy birds to set up the second half.

Halftime - Eagles 21, Falcons 14

Quarter Three
Sikahema can't find his way into Falcon ground, though his run out from his own end zone to the 30-yard line is still quite commendable. Cunningham can't get anything going over the air, so he turns to his underrated ground force in Sherman and Keith Byars. The Heath-Keith tandem also struggles to move the chains, and the first punt in this Championship series is seen sailing into the second-tier dining porch.

Atlanta's defensive stand effectively yanked the carpet from beneath Philadelphia's cleats, though it was the 80-yard throw from Miller to Rison that effectively swung the momentum wheel back around to the carrion feasters.

Score tied 21-21

The Eagles begin again with decent field position, though for the second time in a row they're stalled when Cunningham's on-target throws are dropped by the receivers. On 3rd-and-10, a Jessie Tuggle sack is enough to push Philadelphia back far enough for the cameras to come out to another Jeff Feagles appearance.

Quarter Four
After two sacks of Miller push Atlanta to inside their own 5, Rison saves the day with a 23-yard completion to move the chains. Unfortunately, the air suddenly takes on a frosty chill when their next series is stalled due to the usually sure-handed Harper Lebel unable to bring down two on-target Miller throws in a row.

With time playing the twelfth man for Philadelphia, they get going on a drive that sees effective running from Sherman and nice, short passes to Williams and Fred Barnett. When suddenly faced with a 3rd down situation, however, it's the unsung hero, Pat Beach, making just his 3rd reception of the year to convert the first down and get Philadelphia within striking distance. Cunningham races for a couple more first downs, setting up the famous juke-and-jive throw to a wide open Barnett in the corner of the end zone to take the lead with just over a minute remaining.

Philadelphia leads 28-21

Though perhaps just 1:08 remains in Atlanta's season, there's nobody Coach Glanville would want under center than Chris Miller. After a huge Smith return to the 47, Miller calms the nerves of his offense just long enough to get them into a 4th and 21 situation with just 31 seconds remaining. The probable last play of Atlanta's tumultuous season has Miller throwing to perhaps the only player capable of calming the nerves of Falcons' fans, though he doesn't make it easy when his heel is nearly caught at the 1-yard line before high-stepping it into the end zone for an overtime-forcing score.

Score tied 28-28

Overtime
At this pace, the winner of the toss comes out with the clear path to victory. Perhaps that was the cause behind the unorthodox onside kick call from Atlanta after losing the toss, though they did come close to turning the game around with a recovery. Though Atlanta held the Eagles two drives in a row, it's the calm and collected play that Cunningham has exhibited all year that has him finding Barnett with the same play that killed Atlanta just a series ago that has Philadelphia flying into their very first Tecmo Bowl.

Final Score: Eagles 34, Falcons 28 (OT)

Some may argue that the best team in the NFC won't go on to represent their conference now in the Tecmo Bowl. However, Philadelphia's quiet dominance over their schedule, along with their shellacking of our Tecmo Bowl favorite in Dallas last week has the Eagles as a clear contender to take it all home. Atlanta won the hearts and eyes of many who had written them off at the season's beginning, though it's clear that this is a team that's just a few steps behind Philadelphia. After a start that would have killed many teams, the Eagles stood strong and came back, separating themselves from the vanquished Falcons with nothing else than a 93-yard scurry from the most dynamic quarterback in the game. Philadelphia takes quite a bit of their own dynamite into the Tecmo Bowl with the Bills in a game that's sure to see plenty of explosions even after the initial 4-hour opening ceremonies.

Week Sixteen: Jack Pardee Nipping at Your Nose

The wrapping paper is off and the plates are sitting by the sink, caked in gravy and ham grease. You're sitting there, fireplace dying out, clothed in your new bathrobe and playing with your new Poetry Processor, the sounds of the football game fizzling behind you. It's Week Sixteen in the 1992 Tecmo Season, and either you're over the whole concept of football or you're just finally feeling the drool build up in the corners of your mouth. It's the week when playoff prognoses turn into realities and most teams are forced to carry their suitcases into their locker rooms. With eyes trained to look toward the New Year, the last week in December usually gets a bum rap. It's time we spice things up around here with our penultimate pronouncements of some passionate pigskin play!

 

1:00 Games

Green Bay (4-10) * L.A. Rams (7-7) 

Playoff Implications: Rams eliminated with a loss 

Los Angeles staves off the unavoidable for now with a passable win over the disappointing Packers. With the opportunity to spoil more than just the locker room egg nog, Green Bay cashed it in early with Favre unable to hit 100 yards passing against throwing 2 interceptions and Vince Workman leading the team in rushing with 46 yards on 7 attempts. Jim Everett put up 234 yards on his own, and the flashing bulbs reading "what could have been" over his head are never more noticeable.

Final Score: Rams 19, Packers 7

Houston (10-4) * Cleveland (7-7)

Playoff Implications: Oilers claim division with win

On the verge of falling short in an otherwise surprising season, the Browns not only pulled out an upset but solidly beat a Houston team with its sights set on a second consecutive division crown. Mike Tomczak reminded Warren Moon how a hungry quarterback plays with an uncharacteristic 278 passing yards (125 to Michael Jackson) and a 78% completion rating. With the win, Cleveland not only stays alive in the wild card but takes control of their destiny with a week remaining.

Final Score: Browns 28, Oilers 14

Dallas (9-5) * Atlanta (11-3)
Playoff Implications: Falcons clinch playoff berth with win
The Falcons slip up at perhaps the worst possible time in a division that was never a cake walk, falling to the red-hot Cowboys when a win could have put them in a possible division-clinching scenario. Chris Miller played less-than-inspired with just 140 yards and 3 picks, and though Troy Aikman wasn't much more exciting with 187 passing yards, his 0 interceptions and 90% completion rating have him in good shape for a deep playoff run. They put some distance between themselves and the wild card while also keeping the heat on Philadelphia.

Final Score: Cowboys 31, Falcons 10

San Diego (10-4) * L.A. Raiders (6-8)
Playoff Implications: Raiders eliminated with a loss
The Raiders are the second California team to avoid a playoff beheading with a season sweep of the now-reigning division champion San Diego Chargers. All Jay Schroeder had to do was sit back and let Stan Humphries show off his vulnerabilities, throwing just 104 yards with 3 interceptions. The Raiders win more convincingly this time around, keeping their heels entrenched in the mud. And though the Chargers were the first team in the postseason, they're now convincing most that they'll be the first out of it as well.

Final Score: Raiders 24, Chargers 7

Cincinnati (6-8) * New England (4-10)
Playoff Implications: Bengals eliminated with a loss
Cincinnati is the first team mercifully relieved of their duties after allowing the Patriots to score a late touchdown. Though New England has been nothing short of miserable, their glowing beacon in the night continues to be Kevin Turner, who put up not only another 100+ yard rushing game, but also caught 132 yards out of the backfield on just 3 receptions. His performance is enough to spoil a second showing in two years for the Bengals, giving Boomer a chance to bow of the season out as ungraciously as he entered it.

Final Score: Patriots 24, Bengals 21

Miami (10-3-1) * N.Y. Jets (7-6-1)
Playoff Implications: Dolphins claim division with win
                        Jets eliminate Raiders with win
In a divisional playoff that should have been, the Dolphins win the season series by actually defeating their divisional foe. The Jets beat Miami on the ground and, surprisingly, through the air, with Browning Nagle out-throwing Dan Marino 218 yards to 133, though it was obvious that Miami was comfortable with sitting back and letting the Jets self-destruct as they have all season. The Dolphins are the second team to swim into the playoffs, while the Raiders are able to hold their breath for another long week with New York losing.

Final Score: Dolphins 20, Jets 17

San Francisco (9-5) * Tampa Bay (6-8)
Playoff Implications: 49ers eliminated from NFC West with loss
In what will go down as perhaps the most befuddling chapter of the 49ers already puzzling season, the Buccaneers lay waste to a San Francisco team already wasted by a late-season slump that spelled their ultimate demise. Steve Young couldn't keep up with his old team, getting out-thrown by Vinny Testaverde 272 yards to 228, and though Tampa Bay was eliminated a week ago they still surprisingly play with enough heart to spoil the party for a team that nearly had their postseason spot etched in stone just a few weeks ago.

Final Score: Buccaneers 27, 49ers 24

Buffalo (9-5) * New Orleans (10-4)
Playoff Implications: Saints clinch playoff berth with win
Though the playoffs were more than an afterthought in Saints' fans minds halfway through the season, they now find the road a little tougher after falling victim to the hottest team in the NFL. The Buffalo Bills already claimed their second postseason trip with the Jets losing to Miami, yet handling a tough team in New Orleans was just as important to prove their mettle. Thurman Thomas is firmly entrenched in MVP talks with another stellar game of 111 yards on 14 attempts before injury, though with the berth the Bills hope to have their lame horse rested come playoff time.

Final Score: Bills 23, Saints 14

Minnesota (9-5) * Pittsburgh (8-6)
Playoff Implications: Steelers eliminated, Oilers clinch AFC Central with loss
The Vikings keep themselves alive with a needed win over the Steelers, while doing double duty by booting their opponents out of an improbable division race and allowing Houston to claim another backdoor title. Pittsburgh is dangerously close to letting their schizophrenic season be their undoing, with Barry Foster's 90 yards on 9 attempts not good enough to cover Neil O'Donnell's neck-straining performance of just 22 passing yards. The Steelers need help into the playoffs, but once there it may be a matter of who's willing to take "The Beard" out to pasture anyway.

Final Score: Vikings 24, Steelers 14

4:00 Games

Denver (5-9) * Seattle (4-10)

Playoff Implications: None

John Elway had a quietly consistent game in what was set to be a snoozer in the AFC West, throwing 235 yards with 91% of his passes reaching his receivers. Stan Gelbaugh was also efficient enough, keeping the ball out of the hands of his opponents. Though the book of both teams' seasons were written and closed early on, it's still possible for them to put on a performance like this that gives us hope for seasons to come. It's also possible that playing in an empty, silent arena helps the level of play as well. 

Final Score: Broncos 28, Seahawks 24

N.Y. Giants (5-9) * Kansas City (3-11)

Playoff Implications: None

While there's one story going on with teams in the playoff hunt, there's another one going on somewhere near the bottom of the barrel between teams hustling to not be the worst when the dust is settled. Kansas City gets just their fourth win in 16 tries by playing against one of those rare quarterbacks that is actually worse than Dave Krieg in a Kansas City uniform. The game was won by Kansas City through the air, with Krieg finding the unlikely Barry Word for 101 yards, a number Hostetler only has wet dreams about.

Final Score: Chiefs 28, Giants 21

Detroit (4-10) * Chicago (9-5)

Playoff Implications: Bears eliminate Rams with win

Chicago keeps the wild card annoyingly and excitingly convoluted and crowded with a slim win over their divisional brothers in Detroit. Brad Muster and Barry Sanders ran an identical 14 times, though Muster won the ground game by 3 yards. The air battle was lackluster and somewhat depressing for a late-season battle with playoff meddling on the line for the Lions, reminding us how relieved we are to not see Detroit in a postseason chair and how nervous we are to see Jim Harbaugh harpooning the backs of receivers in a wild card contest.

Final Score: Bears 17, Lions 14

Indianapolis (4-10) * Phoenix (2-12)

Playoff Implications: Cardinals eliminate Colts from the Jimmy V Celebrity Golf 

                         Classic with win

Chris Chandler plays for his career with the number one draft pick on the line, throwing 320 yards with 78% of his passes completed and the Cardinals have a third win under their belts. Ricky Proehl remained invisible all day, racking up 226 yards on 8 catches to keep Phoenix distanced from the Colts, who still haven't recovered from the 10-consecutive loss streak that will define their illustriously unsettling season. Somewhere, the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers are uncorking another bottle of champagne.

Final Score: Cardinals 30, Colts 17

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Monday Night Football

Philadelphia (10-4) * Washington (8-6)

Playoff Implications: Eagles clinch playoff berth with win

                        Redskins eliminated with loss

While most of you were nestling snugly in your beds, candy canes in your grubby clutches and all, there was a football game going on between Philadelphia and Washington. The last Monday Night contest was a fitting one, with more than just lost love on the line between the two divisional foes. A season removed from their Tecmo Bowl run, the Redskins found themselves in a do-or-die situation with Chicago and Dallas winning the day previous, while the Eagles had a chance at redemption by eliminating their pesky siblings a season after Washington came from behind to send Philadelphia packing in Week 17.

The first quarter was all about momentum, or, more appropriately, the lack thereof. Just as Philadelphia flirted with scoring, Herschel Walker dropped the first of what would be many fumbles throughout the day, allowing the Redskins the chance to turn the game around quickly. Unfortunately for them, they ran into one of the better defenses in the NFC and were forced to punt the ball back to the dangerous Randall Cunningham-led offense. Of course, as dangerous as Cunningham is to other teams, he is to his own when he threw a pick on his first pass. Mark Rypien plays hot potato with the ball, giving it back on his first play and allowing the Eagles a chance at redeeming themselves in Washington territory.

End of 1st Quarter - Eagles 0, Redskins 0

The second quarter quickly began by imitating the first, with Walker bobbling over his second fumble in the red zone. Washington once again went nowhere on their next drive, punting it back to Philadelphia. After another slow drive got its start, the rumblings in the stands began of fans fearing another Miami/New York debacle. Suddenly, Cunningham let one rip down the sideline to Freddy Barnett, picking up a svelte 47 yards. The Eagles kept the yardage positive down the rest of the field, capping it off with an exciting cross-body throw from Cunningham to Barnett that finally put a crooked number on the scoreboard just before the half.

Halftime - Eagles 7, Redskins 0

Washington took the ball to start the second half, and were immediately rewarded with an Earnest Byner injury. Fortunately, Rypien found his second biggest weapon in Ricky Ervins with a 50-yard touchdown connection that had Ervins outracing nearly all of Philadelphia's defenders. The Eagles responded with a quick drive deep into Redskins' territory, but not scoring quickly enough came back to bite them in the form of a third lost Walker fumble. Ricky Sanders told the story of Washington's next drive, taking the reverse for three straight plays that equalled 12 yards, then -5 and another -5. Ervins couldn't bail his quarterback out a second time, and Kelly Goodburn readied another punt going into the fourth quarter.

End of 3rd Quarter - Eagles 7, Redskins 7

Cunningham finally broke open for a big run, streaking for 57 yards to the Washington 33 and setting up a second Cunningham-to-Barnett connection to regain the lead. The Redskins continued the scoring flurry however, with Sanders getting his reverse on for 32 yards on 2 carries after a stellar Brian Mitchell return. Sanders capped off the drive in style with another reverse to tie the game. With enough time remaining to suck the air out of a second Tecmo Bowl trip for Washington, the Eagles drove fast and hard behind the daggers of Keith Byars, finally setting up a Calvin Williams catch-and-run up the middle to score.

Final Score: Eagles 21, Redskins 14

Knowing what was necessary to keep their dreams of a repeat alive, the Redskins found their foes in Philadelphia to be a bit more tough and hungry than they, falling short of not just another division crown but a playoff berth altogether in the midst of a highly competitive NFC field. Though the holidays were cut short for our friends from the nation's capitol, the rest of us are caught up now and ready to look ahead to the final week of blood-letting in this long and difficult 1992 season. The Eagles have the best chance to lay claim to the NFC East, and after this performance that saw them do everything outside of relenting it's almost a given. With an offense that's clicking and a defense that cracks mirrors, Philadelphia appears to not fear the short week ahead of them riding into the last week of regular season play.

Looking Ahead: Week Sixteen

A long season is nearing its inevitable close, and yet we've just one champion in our midst: the San Diego Chargers. With only one team riding the magic carpet into the playoffs, it's going to be a bloodbath come Sunday as the rest are just a win (or loss from a rival) away from the crown. While not all of these match-ups contain divisional dust-ups and seem less significant than others, they all play some role, major or minor, in the calculating of algorithms that decide the destiny of each of our teams still in the hunt. The apocalypse is about to come 20 years early for a few of our beloved squads, and all we can say here is that the people we are today aren't going to be the same people we'll be once Monday morning hits. Let's get the rations ready.

The early games feature many teams still hanging on by their dirty, chipped fingernails to any playoff hopes. A year out from an improbable division championship, the Rams are now just a loss away from elimination, while even a win against the Packers has them scoreboard watching. Though Cleveland was just wiped from contention in the AFC Central, a division they had no business winning anyway, they still see light at the end of the tunnel should they beat their big brothers in Houston. Atlanta and Dallas meet in an NFC affair with playoff implications, while the Chargers hope to avenge their loss to the Raiders by knocking the silver and black bullies out of playoff consideration altogether.

Perhaps the most interesting match-up of the early games is one that could have been a de facto division championship between the Dolphins and Jets. Though New York is out of their own divisional race after sinking 4 of their last 5 games, they still hold the executioner's axe in the wild card race. Thanks to their tie game against Miami earlier in the year, they now hold the advantage over Cleveland, Cincinnati and Los Angeles, and a win would all-but behead all three teams' hopes of any postseason life. Meanwhile, San Francisco looks to get back in the NFC West, though with two games to go they may have found they waited too long. They'll need some help from Buffalo against New Orleans. The Bills, using a late-season 5-game win streak, are keeping Miami's heels a bit hotter than they'd like in the AFC East. And finally, we urge you to not avert your eyes despite how much you may desire to as Minnesota and Pittsburgh battle to see who wants out of the playoffs the most in their respective divisions.

Aside from Chicago trying to avoid a spoiler loss against Detroit to possibly leapfrog the Vikings, our late games mean nothing, and would quite possibly be a good time to plow yourself out of the snow fort nature built around your house over the weekend. Or get your special someone something from the Tecmo Bowl store for the holidays.

And finally, we're proud to present our final featured game in the Tecmo Bowl 1992 season. The Philadelphia Eagles return to the spotlight for the first time since Week One, where they'll take on reigning NFC Champions, the Washington Redskins. Washington was all but left for dead just a few weeks ago, yet suddenly they're back in the picture. Just as they did a year ago, the Redskins are more than ready to give the nearly-crowned Eagles a battle to the finish tape. Washington took Philadelphia to the limit in Week 7, and this time it's a do-or-die situation. Be here for this special Wednesday Night Football match-up when your Wii U inevitably bursts into flames the morning after Christmas.

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AFC

2 Games to Go

(^=playoffs *=division #=home field)

AFC East

^Miami (10-3-1) DIVISION with win OR BUF loss

Buffalo (9-5) -1.5 (Lose and out OR MIA win and out)

NY Jets (7-6-1) E

New England (4-10) E

Indianapolis (4-10) E

AFC Central

^Houston (10-4) DIVISION with win OR PIT loss

Pittsburgh (8-6) -2 (Lose and out OR HOU win and out)

Cleveland (7-7) E

Cincinnati (6-8) E

AFC West

*San Diego (10-4)

LA Raiders (6-8) E

Denver (5-9) E

Seattle (4-10) E

Kansas City (3-11) E

Wild Card

Buffalo (9-5) WILD CARD with win OR JET OR CLE loss

Pittsburgh (8-6) WILD CARD with win AND JET OR CLE loss

NY Jets (7-6-1) WILD CARD with win AND CLE, CIN, and RAI losses

Cleveland (7-7) -.5 (Lose AND JET win and out)

Cincinnati (6-8) -1.5 (Lose and out OR JET win and out)

LA Raiders (6-8) -1.5 (Lose and out OR JET win and out)

Denver (5-9) E

Seattle (4-10) E

New England (4-10) E

Indianapolis (4-10) E

Kansas City (3-11) E

 NFC

2 Games to Go

(^=playoffs *=division #=home field)

NFC East

Philadelphia (10-4) DIVISION with win AND DAL, WAS loss

Dallas (9-5) (Lose AND PHI win and out)

Washington (8-6) -2 (Lose and out OR PHI win and out)

NY Giants (5-9) E

Phoenix (2-12) E

NFC Central

Minnesota (9-5)

Chicago (9-5)

Tampa Bay (5-9) E

Detroit (4-10) E

Green Bay (4-10) E

NFC West

Atlanta (11-3) DIVISION with win AND NO loss

New Orleans (10-4) -1 (Lose AND ATL win and out)

San Francisco (9-5) -2 (Lose and out OR ATL win and out)

LA Rams (7-7) E

Wild Card

New Orleans (10-4) WILD CARD with win AND SF, DAL or CHI loss

San Francisco (9-5)

Dallas (9-5)

Chicago (9-5)

Washington (8-6) -1 (Lose AND any 2 of SF, DAL or CHI win and out)

LA Rams (7-7) -2 (Lose and out OR any 2 of SF, DAL or CHI win and out)

Tampa Bay (5-9) E

NY Giants (5-9) E

Detroit (4-10) E

Green Bay (4-10) E

Phoenix (2-12) E