Week Sixteen: Jack Pardee Nipping at Your Nose

The wrapping paper is off and the plates are sitting by the sink, caked in gravy and ham grease. You're sitting there, fireplace dying out, clothed in your new bathrobe and playing with your new Poetry Processor, the sounds of the football game fizzling behind you. It's Week Sixteen in the 1992 Tecmo Season, and either you're over the whole concept of football or you're just finally feeling the drool build up in the corners of your mouth. It's the week when playoff prognoses turn into realities and most teams are forced to carry their suitcases into their locker rooms. With eyes trained to look toward the New Year, the last week in December usually gets a bum rap. It's time we spice things up around here with our penultimate pronouncements of some passionate pigskin play!

 

1:00 Games

Green Bay (4-10) * L.A. Rams (7-7) 

Playoff Implications: Rams eliminated with a loss 

Los Angeles staves off the unavoidable for now with a passable win over the disappointing Packers. With the opportunity to spoil more than just the locker room egg nog, Green Bay cashed it in early with Favre unable to hit 100 yards passing against throwing 2 interceptions and Vince Workman leading the team in rushing with 46 yards on 7 attempts. Jim Everett put up 234 yards on his own, and the flashing bulbs reading "what could have been" over his head are never more noticeable.

Final Score: Rams 19, Packers 7

Houston (10-4) * Cleveland (7-7)

Playoff Implications: Oilers claim division with win

On the verge of falling short in an otherwise surprising season, the Browns not only pulled out an upset but solidly beat a Houston team with its sights set on a second consecutive division crown. Mike Tomczak reminded Warren Moon how a hungry quarterback plays with an uncharacteristic 278 passing yards (125 to Michael Jackson) and a 78% completion rating. With the win, Cleveland not only stays alive in the wild card but takes control of their destiny with a week remaining.

Final Score: Browns 28, Oilers 14

Dallas (9-5) * Atlanta (11-3)
Playoff Implications: Falcons clinch playoff berth with win
The Falcons slip up at perhaps the worst possible time in a division that was never a cake walk, falling to the red-hot Cowboys when a win could have put them in a possible division-clinching scenario. Chris Miller played less-than-inspired with just 140 yards and 3 picks, and though Troy Aikman wasn't much more exciting with 187 passing yards, his 0 interceptions and 90% completion rating have him in good shape for a deep playoff run. They put some distance between themselves and the wild card while also keeping the heat on Philadelphia.

Final Score: Cowboys 31, Falcons 10

San Diego (10-4) * L.A. Raiders (6-8)
Playoff Implications: Raiders eliminated with a loss
The Raiders are the second California team to avoid a playoff beheading with a season sweep of the now-reigning division champion San Diego Chargers. All Jay Schroeder had to do was sit back and let Stan Humphries show off his vulnerabilities, throwing just 104 yards with 3 interceptions. The Raiders win more convincingly this time around, keeping their heels entrenched in the mud. And though the Chargers were the first team in the postseason, they're now convincing most that they'll be the first out of it as well.

Final Score: Raiders 24, Chargers 7

Cincinnati (6-8) * New England (4-10)
Playoff Implications: Bengals eliminated with a loss
Cincinnati is the first team mercifully relieved of their duties after allowing the Patriots to score a late touchdown. Though New England has been nothing short of miserable, their glowing beacon in the night continues to be Kevin Turner, who put up not only another 100+ yard rushing game, but also caught 132 yards out of the backfield on just 3 receptions. His performance is enough to spoil a second showing in two years for the Bengals, giving Boomer a chance to bow of the season out as ungraciously as he entered it.

Final Score: Patriots 24, Bengals 21

Miami (10-3-1) * N.Y. Jets (7-6-1)
Playoff Implications: Dolphins claim division with win
                        Jets eliminate Raiders with win
In a divisional playoff that should have been, the Dolphins win the season series by actually defeating their divisional foe. The Jets beat Miami on the ground and, surprisingly, through the air, with Browning Nagle out-throwing Dan Marino 218 yards to 133, though it was obvious that Miami was comfortable with sitting back and letting the Jets self-destruct as they have all season. The Dolphins are the second team to swim into the playoffs, while the Raiders are able to hold their breath for another long week with New York losing.

Final Score: Dolphins 20, Jets 17

San Francisco (9-5) * Tampa Bay (6-8)
Playoff Implications: 49ers eliminated from NFC West with loss
In what will go down as perhaps the most befuddling chapter of the 49ers already puzzling season, the Buccaneers lay waste to a San Francisco team already wasted by a late-season slump that spelled their ultimate demise. Steve Young couldn't keep up with his old team, getting out-thrown by Vinny Testaverde 272 yards to 228, and though Tampa Bay was eliminated a week ago they still surprisingly play with enough heart to spoil the party for a team that nearly had their postseason spot etched in stone just a few weeks ago.

Final Score: Buccaneers 27, 49ers 24

Buffalo (9-5) * New Orleans (10-4)
Playoff Implications: Saints clinch playoff berth with win
Though the playoffs were more than an afterthought in Saints' fans minds halfway through the season, they now find the road a little tougher after falling victim to the hottest team in the NFL. The Buffalo Bills already claimed their second postseason trip with the Jets losing to Miami, yet handling a tough team in New Orleans was just as important to prove their mettle. Thurman Thomas is firmly entrenched in MVP talks with another stellar game of 111 yards on 14 attempts before injury, though with the berth the Bills hope to have their lame horse rested come playoff time.

Final Score: Bills 23, Saints 14

Minnesota (9-5) * Pittsburgh (8-6)
Playoff Implications: Steelers eliminated, Oilers clinch AFC Central with loss
The Vikings keep themselves alive with a needed win over the Steelers, while doing double duty by booting their opponents out of an improbable division race and allowing Houston to claim another backdoor title. Pittsburgh is dangerously close to letting their schizophrenic season be their undoing, with Barry Foster's 90 yards on 9 attempts not good enough to cover Neil O'Donnell's neck-straining performance of just 22 passing yards. The Steelers need help into the playoffs, but once there it may be a matter of who's willing to take "The Beard" out to pasture anyway.

Final Score: Vikings 24, Steelers 14

4:00 Games

Denver (5-9) * Seattle (4-10)

Playoff Implications: None

John Elway had a quietly consistent game in what was set to be a snoozer in the AFC West, throwing 235 yards with 91% of his passes reaching his receivers. Stan Gelbaugh was also efficient enough, keeping the ball out of the hands of his opponents. Though the book of both teams' seasons were written and closed early on, it's still possible for them to put on a performance like this that gives us hope for seasons to come. It's also possible that playing in an empty, silent arena helps the level of play as well. 

Final Score: Broncos 28, Seahawks 24

N.Y. Giants (5-9) * Kansas City (3-11)

Playoff Implications: None

While there's one story going on with teams in the playoff hunt, there's another one going on somewhere near the bottom of the barrel between teams hustling to not be the worst when the dust is settled. Kansas City gets just their fourth win in 16 tries by playing against one of those rare quarterbacks that is actually worse than Dave Krieg in a Kansas City uniform. The game was won by Kansas City through the air, with Krieg finding the unlikely Barry Word for 101 yards, a number Hostetler only has wet dreams about.

Final Score: Chiefs 28, Giants 21

Detroit (4-10) * Chicago (9-5)

Playoff Implications: Bears eliminate Rams with win

Chicago keeps the wild card annoyingly and excitingly convoluted and crowded with a slim win over their divisional brothers in Detroit. Brad Muster and Barry Sanders ran an identical 14 times, though Muster won the ground game by 3 yards. The air battle was lackluster and somewhat depressing for a late-season battle with playoff meddling on the line for the Lions, reminding us how relieved we are to not see Detroit in a postseason chair and how nervous we are to see Jim Harbaugh harpooning the backs of receivers in a wild card contest.

Final Score: Bears 17, Lions 14

Indianapolis (4-10) * Phoenix (2-12)

Playoff Implications: Cardinals eliminate Colts from the Jimmy V Celebrity Golf 

                         Classic with win

Chris Chandler plays for his career with the number one draft pick on the line, throwing 320 yards with 78% of his passes completed and the Cardinals have a third win under their belts. Ricky Proehl remained invisible all day, racking up 226 yards on 8 catches to keep Phoenix distanced from the Colts, who still haven't recovered from the 10-consecutive loss streak that will define their illustriously unsettling season. Somewhere, the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers are uncorking another bottle of champagne.

Final Score: Cardinals 30, Colts 17

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday Night Football

Philadelphia (10-4) * Washington (8-6)

Playoff Implications: Eagles clinch playoff berth with win

                        Redskins eliminated with loss

While most of you were nestling snugly in your beds, candy canes in your grubby clutches and all, there was a football game going on between Philadelphia and Washington. The last Monday Night contest was a fitting one, with more than just lost love on the line between the two divisional foes. A season removed from their Tecmo Bowl run, the Redskins found themselves in a do-or-die situation with Chicago and Dallas winning the day previous, while the Eagles had a chance at redemption by eliminating their pesky siblings a season after Washington came from behind to send Philadelphia packing in Week 17.

The first quarter was all about momentum, or, more appropriately, the lack thereof. Just as Philadelphia flirted with scoring, Herschel Walker dropped the first of what would be many fumbles throughout the day, allowing the Redskins the chance to turn the game around quickly. Unfortunately for them, they ran into one of the better defenses in the NFC and were forced to punt the ball back to the dangerous Randall Cunningham-led offense. Of course, as dangerous as Cunningham is to other teams, he is to his own when he threw a pick on his first pass. Mark Rypien plays hot potato with the ball, giving it back on his first play and allowing the Eagles a chance at redeeming themselves in Washington territory.

End of 1st Quarter - Eagles 0, Redskins 0

The second quarter quickly began by imitating the first, with Walker bobbling over his second fumble in the red zone. Washington once again went nowhere on their next drive, punting it back to Philadelphia. After another slow drive got its start, the rumblings in the stands began of fans fearing another Miami/New York debacle. Suddenly, Cunningham let one rip down the sideline to Freddy Barnett, picking up a svelte 47 yards. The Eagles kept the yardage positive down the rest of the field, capping it off with an exciting cross-body throw from Cunningham to Barnett that finally put a crooked number on the scoreboard just before the half.

Halftime - Eagles 7, Redskins 0

Washington took the ball to start the second half, and were immediately rewarded with an Earnest Byner injury. Fortunately, Rypien found his second biggest weapon in Ricky Ervins with a 50-yard touchdown connection that had Ervins outracing nearly all of Philadelphia's defenders. The Eagles responded with a quick drive deep into Redskins' territory, but not scoring quickly enough came back to bite them in the form of a third lost Walker fumble. Ricky Sanders told the story of Washington's next drive, taking the reverse for three straight plays that equalled 12 yards, then -5 and another -5. Ervins couldn't bail his quarterback out a second time, and Kelly Goodburn readied another punt going into the fourth quarter.

End of 3rd Quarter - Eagles 7, Redskins 7

Cunningham finally broke open for a big run, streaking for 57 yards to the Washington 33 and setting up a second Cunningham-to-Barnett connection to regain the lead. The Redskins continued the scoring flurry however, with Sanders getting his reverse on for 32 yards on 2 carries after a stellar Brian Mitchell return. Sanders capped off the drive in style with another reverse to tie the game. With enough time remaining to suck the air out of a second Tecmo Bowl trip for Washington, the Eagles drove fast and hard behind the daggers of Keith Byars, finally setting up a Calvin Williams catch-and-run up the middle to score.

Final Score: Eagles 21, Redskins 14

Knowing what was necessary to keep their dreams of a repeat alive, the Redskins found their foes in Philadelphia to be a bit more tough and hungry than they, falling short of not just another division crown but a playoff berth altogether in the midst of a highly competitive NFC field. Though the holidays were cut short for our friends from the nation's capitol, the rest of us are caught up now and ready to look ahead to the final week of blood-letting in this long and difficult 1992 season. The Eagles have the best chance to lay claim to the NFC East, and after this performance that saw them do everything outside of relenting it's almost a given. With an offense that's clicking and a defense that cracks mirrors, Philadelphia appears to not fear the short week ahead of them riding into the last week of regular season play.

Monday Night Football: Washington vs. Denver

Like a fine aged cheese, John Elway stinks the longer you leave him out. So far, the captain of the Broncos has led his team to one win in five tries, not something any true blue Orange Crush fan club member can be happy with. Denver appears to have turned it around last week with Elway's first non-interception game against a hapless Chiefs team. Nonetheless, a win is a win, and they're hoping the momentum carries over to a tough encounter with the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football. The Redskins are coming in hot off a win themselves, beating on the lowly Cardinals after slumping for two games. Tonight will feature two quarterbacks looking for relevance again, one a weathered and worn soul named Mark Rypien, and the other being the suave and stylish John Elway. And though we like to poke fun at Rypien's immobility compared to Elway's runaway-train type speed, he at least has the composure not to look his age while posing in a pair of chest-high gym shorts. Let's head out to the field, shall we?

Quarter One
The able-bodied Brian Mitchell finds a home at the Washington 43-yard line to start out the game. From there, the Broncos defense, usually a remarkable example of ineptitude, washes over the Redskins' offensive line to form a nice Earnest Byner schmeer. Washington runs the popular yet unorthodox Byner-fumble-to-Gary-Clark play that nets the usual 49 yards to the Denver 13-yard line. Two plays later and only 4 yards the wiser, Rypien drops back and chucks it over to the 2-yard line where former first-round pick Dennis Smith is waiting in the wings for an interception.

The Broncos get a bit cute on their first play with a Mark Jackson reverse that is almost wiped out by a safety. At the 1-yard line and facing a long field, Reggie Rivers runs up the middle for an important 2 yard gain. On 3rd-and-9, Rivers finds himself dangling at the edge of danger when he's taken down back at the 1-yard line. Mike Horan is out to kick a ball.

Mark Rypien is reminded of what he was trying to do on the last drive, and lines a streaker into the waiting arms of Gary Clark along the sidelines for a quick score.

Washington leads 7-0
 
The Arthur Marshall fan club's favorite person returns a kick to the Denver 32-yard line to start of the next Broncos drive. The almighty Gaston Green picks up nearly 7 whole yards around the right side, but his football playing encounter is short-lived when the Reggie Rivers show picks back up. Two straight plays lead to a net of 0 yards, though one of them was a 4-yard first down run. Despite the amount of learning being done at this rushing clinic, John Elway takes charge on the next play and scampers all the way to the Washington 16-yard line to close out the first quarter of play.

Quarter Two
Elway runs another 10 yards like a teenage boy when his girlfriend's parents get home early, but the 4-yard Jackson reverse for a touchdown is what finally gets Coach Gibbs to pull out the shotgun.

Score tied 7-7

The Redskins begin their next drive at the 26-yard line, but the acquaintance is short-lived when Jeff Mills back-body-drops Rypien to the 16. On the next play, with all receivers open and shooting off signal flares, Rypien heaves up a pass that is blocked at the line of scrimmage. Mike Croel brings the drive to a sudden and sympathetic close with another bone-crushing sack of the stone-shoed Rypied.

After Marshall's punt return puts them at their own 43, Gaston Green is given the ball. He chalks up another successful positive-yardage run to the Washington 45. Two plays later, Elway mistakenly throws a pass to one of his own receivers, and Shannon Sharpe does his job in making the 45-yard catch-and-run look easy.

Denver leads 14-7

With the clock ticking at their own 29-yard line, the pride and joy of Abilene, Texas, Terry Orr, picks up a hefty 22 yards with a catch in the flat. Under a minute left, Byner is handed the ball and forgets to fumble it 19 yards later. Ricky Sanders is the target of Rypien's next pass, but when he's brought down at the Denver 8-yard line with just 10 seconds left, the Chip Lohmiller crew is sent out to clean up the mess.

Denver leads 14-10

Halftime: Broncos 14, Redskins 10

Quarter Three
When Marshall fumbles the opening kickoff, Keith Kartz seizes the opportunity to show off his cool maximum speed rating by hustling it out to the 29-yard line. A perfectly-timed Jackson reverse racks up another 13 yards, followed up by a stellar 15-yard jaunt from Gaston Green. Rivers tries to sneak back into the party, but the Redskins' hold him up for just 4 yards. Elway comes out in shotgun formation, but takes the smarter route by zig-zagging through the tripped up Redskins' defense for 23 of the 24 yards needed to score. Rivers picks up the touchdown two plays later as a reward for his hard work, though he was quoted after the game stating he'd have settled for a cookie or gold star on his locker.

Denver leads 21-10

Mitchell is on the receiving end of a booming David Treadwell kick in the end zone, and can only find his way out to the 7-yard line. The following are the Cliffs Notes version of the drive: Earnest Byner runs three times for 4 yards. Punt.

Marshall is burned good on the Goodburn punt at his own 42-yard line, where the Redskins defense digs in their heels to shut down the Broncos on the last two plays leading into the fourth quarter.

Quarter Four
Rivers comes out for an encore performance, but his famous 5-yard run isn't quite enough for the first down and Horan is out to punt the ball into the womb of a virginal Pamela Tebow.

Rypien goes to Clark on the first play from scrimmage, picking up a quick 26 yards. The follow-up passes to Sanders and Clark are smartly batted away by the wisened up Broncos' secondary, leading to a 3rd down play that sees Rypien get attacked by the Jeff Mills tickle-monster. Clark comes through on 4th-and-20, however, with a catch at the Denver 27-yard line that livens up the crowd. Popular John Muir High School alum Ricky Ervins can't drag down a Rypien pass in the end zone, and the next two plays are throwaways in the face of a riled up Denver blitz. On 4th-and-10, Rypien picks his poison with Sanders, and is nearly  picked again by Dennis "Swanson" Smith.

Denver, seeing about a minute left on the clock, decides it's now or never for another Jackson reverse. On second down after a loss of one, Elway drops back but finds Andre Collins trying to impregnate him just a few short seconds later. On third down and with just seconds left to go, Elway is once again honored by the presence of Collins when he refuses to kneel and is rewarded for his insolence by having his spine ripped out from his brain to end the game on a somewhat bittersweet note.

Final: Broncos 21, Redskins 10



As predicted, it was a pretty underwhelming performance from both teams, with Denver winning due to being the only team to remember to come back out of the locker room after halftime. Elway was less-than-effective through the air, connecting on only 25% of his passes, but his ground game led a team of underachievers, promoting shades of a 2012 offensive scheme twenty years too early. Rypien was hardly any better with his arm, but his inability to make up for his own rushing corps' woes left his team in a pile of Denver dust. The Broncos leave with the all-important second win to continue their winning roll, though it came at the cost of Elway's bones littering the field as the final seconds of the clock ticked away. It'll be a short week for the buckin' Broncos of Denver, which means future XFL MVP Tommy Maddox might want to start warming up a day early if he's to be in shape for any Million Dollar Championships.

The Tecmo Bowl: Houston vs Washington

Well, we've come to it, our 63rd post. Otherwise known as the biggest game of this blog's life, The Tecmo Bowl. It's unseasonably warm in Minneapolis, so much so that Mark Rypien was seen out at the Brass Rail the night before the game in nothing but his daughter's Lingerie Football League uniform. Strangely enough, he's been listed as unavailable to play tonight, which means this is officially Stan Humphries' game to do with as he pleases. After not playing all season, he leads his team into a rare Tecmo Championship game against a very powerful, very intimidating, yet very fallible Houston Oilers team. The Redskins were ranked number one against the pass, which is Warren Moon's forte, a defense they used to their full advantage against Joe Montana and the San Francisco 49ers to get them to this spot. Houston, meanwhile, is looking to wrap up a very successful season, something they haven't done since Dwight Eisenhower was still in office and Dick Clark could utter an intelligible sentence.

For the reading-impaired, you can check out the Tecmo Bowl: Highlights episode HERE. Unfortunately, Steve Sabol was unavailable for commentary, and the introduction filmed by Boomer Esiason had to be cut for time and internet etiquette reasons.

The Tecmo Bowl

Quarter One
The Redskins win the toss, but the crowd wouldn't know until the kick-off due to the questionable P.A. system inside the Metrodome. By the time the cloud of confusion is settled, Stan Humphries' is nervously overthrowing Earnest Byner by about 10 yards. He gathers himself on the next play, and throws a perfect, Humphries-trademarked laser to Gary Clark at the Houston 40-yard line. Clark, known more for his nimble running than his sure-handedness, makes the most of his new opportunity by trucking it all the way down to the 11-yard line. One play later, and Humphries is bathing in the lights and shouts of 100,000 new believers after his 11-yard run for a touchdown.

Washington leads 7-0

Gerald McNeil fails to get his team jump-started when his shoelace is grabbed at his own 7-yard line. Warren Moon dangerously comes out in a shotgun formation, standing in the sky blue grass of his own end zone, but it's snapped directly to Lorenzo White instead, who bumbles for 4 yards. Meanwhile, there's about a half million angry bettors in Vegas that picked a pass play to open the first Oilers' drive that will hope to make it back on their bet that a Budweiser commercial opens the first break. On the next play, Moon drops back into a more familiar position, and finds a wide open Drew Hill at the Washington 45-yard line. Tracy Rocker rocks Moon's world on the next snap, but Moon suavely finds Curtis Duncan in coverage at the Redskins' 19-yard line. One more toss to Drew Hill is all that separates Houston's players from a certain lap dance from some Minneapolis townies at halftime.

Score tied 7-7

Stan's face, meet Stan's ass crack

Brian Mitchell puts on a returning clinic when he punishes Tony Zendejas' poor kick with a return into Oilers' territory. Humphries, still high on his last touchdown and a some good ol'-fashioned Metrodome helium, fumbles the ball over to Sean Jones, who's finally brought down at the Washington 20-yard line.

The Oilers start a second consecutive drive with Lorenzo for 7 yards. Warren Moon sets for another sure touchdown pass to one of his thirteen offensive weapons, but the famous Redskins' secondary rises from the ashes, and Martin Mayhew immortalizes himself in Tecmo lore with a huge pick in the end zone.

Quarter Two
Stan's still playing fidgety football, with another overthrow of a wide open Byner on first down. Earnest takes the ball on second down for 4 yards, but is scared stupid by the speed of Stan on third and 6 as he busts it out for 19 yards to the Washington 43-yard line. The Gary Clark reverse makes its first appearance, breaking its own record for latest appearance. Clark gets the 10 yards needed for a first down to keep the drive alive, but can't pull in a long ball on the next play. Humphries drops back once more, throwing it to Art Monk for the first time in the game, when the 17th-ranked defense bears its teeth and Richard Johnson matches Washington pick-for-pick at his own 32-yard line.

The Houston strategy of giving it to White on the first play continues, with a meager 3-yard run. It's enough to lull the Redskins' defense into a false sense of security, as it was only a matter of time before Moon found Hill again for their second touchdown hook-up and fifth illicitly shared object of the day.

Houston leads 14-7

The difference not being a Cleveland Brown makes

Mitchell is downed at his own 37-yard line with two minutes remaining. Byner is entrusted with two consecutive runs that net 17 yards and gets the Redskins into opponents' territory. He tricks Houston in a play action, leaving the unassuming tight end and darling of San Diego State University, Don Warren, open for his first reception of the day. He wheelbarrows it for 20 yards, and adds a few more with a second consecutive reception to the Houston 5-yard line with 40 seconds left. Byner closes out the drive the way he began with a burst up the middle that knots this one up just 20 seconds before the half.

Score tied 14-14

Unfortunately, 20 seconds may still be too much time for Moon and Co., and that's made all too clear with a wide open Drew Hill streaking down the sideline for a potential third touchdown in the half. Sadly, the ball is uncharacteristically overthrown and rolls harmlessly toward the Minnesota Vikings trophy case, jarring the heavy dust and cobwebs loose.

Halftime - Oilers 14, Redskins 14

Quarter Three
Lohmiller kicks it off his heel which leads to a decent Gerald McNeil return to the Washington 43-yard line. From the gun, Moon clinically slices open the Washington secondary with a pass to Ernest Givins for 27 yards, but requires some quick surgery of his own on the sideline after a determined Andre Collins disembowels him. Luckily, his line gives him all day on the next play, and he finds Givins again for a 15-yard gain. His receivers elude him on the next three plays, however, and Zendejas is out for what has become a very important 3 points. It appears his nerves and the fact that someone opened a door to the dome pulled his kick right, however, when the ball bounces backward off the upright.

May there one day be a Nobel scientist that accurately predicts the effects
of decompression on field goal kicks to keep this from ever occurring again

The Redskins' next drive begins with a very telling omen for Houston's defense, when Gary Clark fools them with another reverse, this time for 30 yards. Byner pulls in a pass up the middle that makes Humphries appear to be playing at Hostetler-esque levels when it comes to Championship games, and moves it to the Oilers' 14-yard line. Ricky Sanders brings the offense 6 yards closer with a short slant pass, giving Byner just enough room for his second touchdown of the game.

Washington leads 21-14

The Oilers are looking to answer the third lead change in three quarters, but have to contend with a powerful Lohmiller kick that pins them at their own 7-yard line. Washington drops back about 8 men to cover, but nobody sees the lithe Curtis Duncan, who yanks in a 35-yard completion. Lorenzo gets his one rush-per-drive for 1 yard, and Moon goes back to his chosen receiver for this round, Duncan, for another 10 yard pass to convert the first down. The quarter tumbles to a close, however, with a pass block at the line of scrimmage and an ill-fated White run for 2 yards.

Some men are merely players, while other men
are named Drew Hill

Quarter Four
On 3rd-and-8, Moon's pass is waved out of bounds by a diving Givins, and now they face a fourth down at midfield. Zendejas is told to sit down and re-lace the ball-boy's shoes on the bench while Moon calls a pivotal 4th-and-8 play. And who else would he go to on the biggest play of the game, but the man for which, like a Zen proverb, there is no answer: Drew Hill. He leaps in the corner of the end zone for the potential tying score, putting it back on Stan Humphries to try and become the most popular man in Washington since its namesake graced its plantations.

Score tied 21-21

Taken just 3 minutes before the inevitable score

Mitchell puts the starting line at the Washington 21-yard line, from which Byner slings a positive run for 10 yards. Not satisfied, the Washington coaching staff goes back to the tried-and-true Clark reverse, who fulfills the prophecy laid out by the gods of anti-credibility in football with a tackle-dodging 12-yard run to the Redskins' 45-yard line. Byner takes two straight runs up the middle for a total of 22 yards, understandably leading to some confusion that causes Washington to call an ill-advised time out with over two minutes on the clock. They take this important Domino's pizza break to call two straight Clark reverses, one that goes for 15 yards, and the other that completes the final 19 yards to the end zone that not only causes the Metrodome roof to reach hymen-like bursting levels, but also causes every coach who ever lived to roll around in their current and/or future graves.

Washington leads 28-21

Two minutes remain for Warren Moon, which, unfortunately for the Redskins, is time enough for him to defraud his taxes, let alone drive his team to a tying score. It doesn't look promising to start, however, with an incomplete pass followed by a short run from Lorenzo White. Facing pressure on third down, he threads it to Duncan for a gain of 32 yards to the Redskins' 22-yard line. With under a minute remaining, Moon's first pass to Haywood Jeffries sails over his head, nearly knocking over the memorial display set up for Kirby Puckett's right eye.

With 26 seconds left, the Oilers go for a possible fake-out with a Lorenzo White run up the middle that nets just 6 yards.

On 3rd-and-4 with 13 seconds remaining, the Redskins hurl their entire defense at Moon, causing an errant pass to Duncan that winds up knocking over that weird jug of milk balloon by the visiting team's tunnel.

And so, it's come to this: 4th down, with just 4 seconds remaining and 16 yards to keep the season alive. Moon drops back, his receivers spread like a venereal disease, but his go-to guys are all covered...no Duncan, no Givins, and no Hill. So what does he do? He gives a man named Haywood Jeffries a chance to immortalize himself in a game that couldn't even spell his last name right.

Give me a J! E! F! F!...R?, no, I...wait...R?...err

And although no seconds remain, one man still does: Mr. Jeff(r)i(r)es. Houston lives on to fight after Zendejas nails down his most important extra point of the year, and just to appease all of you and torture myself, this season will continue to sudden death overtime.

Score tied 28-28
 
OVERTIME
With the winner of this coin toss inevitably given the best chance to win at this point, Houston uses their 85 combined years of gambling experience to correctly guess the call and take the kick.

But Washington didn't come all the way to Minnesota without packing their balls, and the overtime period starts with what else? SURPRISE ONSIDE!

Damn Chippy

The experiment fails wildly, but the Redskins' chalk up a few dignity points irregardless. Still, one must ask why they wouldn't trust their league-leading pass defense against Warren Moon in overtime with a championship on the line...

...Luckily, Professor Moon is there to answer that question with the longest, quietest 48-yard lob in Washington Redskins' history. And who else but Drew Hill is there on the other end to certify his lifetime no-fly status inevitably being drawn up in the nation's capital as we speak.

Final Score: Oilers 34, Redskins 28 (OT)

The Oilers only led twice in this game, but it certainly felt like they had the contest by the throat with the way Moon tore up the carbonated Metrodome air. Drew Hill, who caught 13 scores all year from Moon, pulled in four of the five touchdowns to defy all of his detractors, more aptly known as his coaches. Hill was a man possessed, cementing a legacy that includes a 12th-round draft pick, and making the best pass defense in the NFL look like a team of potato sack racers in the Special Olympics. Stan Humphries, hero of the NFC Divisional playoffs, still put on a show and may wind up forcing Mark Rypien to play for his job next year. Although he didn't throw for a score, his legs led to a few important conversions and their first lead of the game, and should keep him from hanging his head until his future concussion-prone style of play has him watching his drool collect in puddles at his feet. Although Washington enamored us with their heart, Houston played the best football this year, ultimately proving it in the final game of this magical season.

The adventure doesn't end here...
Stay tuned...

Looking Ahead: The Tecmo Bowl

We've come a long, long way together, through the hard times and the good. But there's no praising yet, as we've still got one game left. After seventeen weeks of regular season play and three playoff games, we're just as ready as all of you to walk away and pretend none of this ever happened. That would be unfair to all the Ernests of the world, however, and so we look ahead to the game that makes this all worth it in the end: The Tecmo Bowl.

It's been a long road for both teams in this year's Tecmo Bowl, even if one was been paved with slick, new tar and the other with the jagged bones of its quarterback. Houston rides into the great white north on a winged stallion that is Warren Moon, followed by a throng of titans in Haywood "Jeffries" and Ernest Givins. Losing only three games all year and never really facing a challenge within their own division, the Oilers ended the season strong to take the number one seed in the AFC and the best record in the NFL. They breezed past the surprising Seahawks in the Divisional round, and took advantage of their home field and an advantageous Tony Zendejas kick to beat a favored Bills team in the Conference Championship. And now they appear in the Tecmo Bowl very heavily favored, ready to wear the heavily bejeweled tiara for the first time in their franchise's history.

Washington hobbles into the Hubert Humphrey Metrodome with some aches and pains as this year's Cinderella team after a very dramatic postseason. After their star quarterback, Mark Rypien, went out on the first drive against the mighty San Francisco 49ers, the unlikely Stan Humphries hitched his apple cart to Art Monk and Earnest Byner's stars and the team upset the 49ers on a dramatic double jump catch in the end zone on the last play of the game. The next week they came to Minnesota to boot the number-one seeded Vikings out of a home-game championship after tackling Herschel Walker just yards away from the end zone. After a season that appeared to have the Redskins looking to fight and scrap for a wild card spot, they beat the division-leading Giants in a late season game and leapfrogged both New York and San Francisco, who lost in Week 17, for the number 2 seed.

We could continue to go on and on about the merits of both teams' accolades, but it may be best to break out the yard stick instead.

                     Washington                           Houston

                           10-6      Season Record        13-3

                            3-1      Featured Games       4-0

                            5-4      Same Opponents       9-0

                        375/279          PF/PA            436/335

                     12th (2810)      Pass Ranking        1st (3923)

                     13th (1633)      Rush Ranking        27th (919)

                           15th      Overall Offense      8th

                      1st (2186)      Pass Defense        17th (2941)

                     19th (1721)      Rush Defense        12th (1534)

                            2nd      Overall Defense      14th

                        Canadian      QB Ethnicity        Black

       Drunken gamblers that were        Mascots          Blue collar workers that

       wiped off the American map       Known For         put America on the map

   Named for President of the USA         Cities          Named for President of Texas

Explorers of modern day democracy         Known           Explorers of the moon

                Outlaws with guns          For            Outlaws with guns

Oh yeah, and I suppose we should mention that Houston beat Washington, 23-21, in Week Ten's installment of Monday Night Football...

So there you have it, a rather annoyingly detailed breakdown of the Championship game. Will we see the league's leading passer come out heaving? Or will Stan Humphries march his glass slippers up and down the Astroturf? Perhaps Mark Rypien will have healed up enough to cap off a rather productive season for his Redskins, and win another championship in the very stadium he won a Super Bowl in. While we're sure anything can happen in a game between these two teams, one thing remains a constant: the controlled atmosphere of the Metrodome in Minneapolis. On to the Tecmo Bowl!

Conference Championship Weekend

We're only one game away from the Tecmo Bowl, but before we get ahead of ourselves we'll need to dive into the second-most overblown weekend of the season, Conference Championship weekend. Only the Buffalo Bills remain of the final four we predicted in our Preseason Analysis, and we're still quite confident they have what it takes to overpower the Oilers and get to the championship. The only thing Houston has to their advantage is a rare home game in the playoffs being the number 1 seed, which should make this a game that goes down to the last possession. Meanwhile, in the NFC is another game of the top two conference seeds, but between two more unorthodox teams in the Washington Redskins and Minnesota Vikings. The Redskins played one of the more exciting COM-COM games in Tecmo history, knocking out the heavily favored 49ers on the last play of the game behind back-up QB Stan Humphries. They'll face another defensive challenge against the Vikings at the stadium scheduled to hold next weekend's Tecmo Bowl. Will they be sent packing after their fluke win? Or will Washington get to book an extra weekend in Minneapolis? Let's get to the business.

AFC Championship

2 Buffalo Bills (13-3-1) at 1 Houston Oilers (14-3)

Highlight below for an analysis:
After a quarter of no scoring, this game lit up in a hurry. Ultimately, it was a big gain that Buffalo gave up before the half that led to the 3-point win by the Oilers, despite there being plenty of other opportunities for QB Bills and Andre Reed to burn Houston as they've burned other teams all year long. Houston advances to their very first championship game with a relatively healthy team after a quietly dominant season. While they rightfully deserve a spot in the final game, they're the Newt to Buffalo's Mitt, obviously leaving no real winners for the rest of the viewing public.

***************************************************************************************

NFC Championship

2 Washington Redskins (11-6) at Minnesota Vikings (13-4)

Higlight below for an analysis:
The Vikings couldn't recreate the late-game magic of their opponents, as Herschel Walker's triumphant return fell a yard short of putting Minnesota in a home-field Tecmo Bowl. It was a see-saw battle for the most part, but Stan Humphries' star shone brighter than Wade Wilson's, and the Vikings' time-consuming reverse plays and a costly Walker turnover outdid them in the end. The Redskins are a true Cinderella team, first stealing their division in the last game of the season and then beating two conference juggernauts to get into the Tecmo Bowl; however we must remember that they represent a team that actually went to their season's Super Bowl, although now they'll have to pose a mid-week cage match between Humphries and Mark Rypien, should Rypien miraculously return from what we suspect was a Joe Theismann-level injury.

Divisional Playoffs: Saturday Edition

Today we'll get to witness two games featuring the teams we predicted to clash in this year's Tecmo Bowl, Buffalo and San Francisco. One's at home, while the other has to travel across the country, but in the end we're pretty certain both should collide in the Hubert Humphrey Metrodome come February. Buffalo's had one week off, giving Bruce Smith extra time to watch videos of Dan Marino abusing his dog, and with most of Miami hobbling into the blustery white north we don't have high hopes for the Fish. San Francisco rolls into the nation's capital behind a 38-0 drubbing of a one-time dark horse in the New York Giants, but with a week off and playing at home who knows what Mark Rypien and his silent-but-deadly offense has in store for the Niners. We think they'll be okay as long as they can avoid the offensive silent-but-deadly emissions of a one Matt Millen.

4 Miami Dolphins (12-5) at 2 Buffalo Bills (12-3-1)

Quarter One
Florida native Louis Oliver does his home state proud by picking off QB Bills on the first play of the game, a deep pass to James Lofton. We've seen enough Tecmo Bills game outcomes to know it's much to early to uncork the champagne, but we'll still give props any time Buffalo is slightly humanized.

Marino's XFL tryouts didn't go so well

The Dolphins' first play from scrimmage is equally as disastrous, but perhaps with more impactful consequences when Dan Marino joins Mark Clayton and Marc Logan in getting fed through a tube. The trainers have to take two trips to carry off the pieces of Marino while Bruce Smith can see the dollars pouring into his Cayman Islands account. Miami promptly goes three and out when replacement Scott Mitchell comes in wearing his practice uniform asking what a football is supposed to look like. Thankfully Pete Stoyanovich still knows how to kick one, and he puts on 3 points for Miami's efforts.

Miami leads 3-0

Buffalo's second drive runs much smoother and irritatingly more predictable as the A.I. realizes which team is actually playing now and makes sure all of QB Bills' passes into double coverage meet with resounding success. Behind some sturdy running from Thurman Thomas, the Bills get down to the Miami six-yard line. Three plays later and Andre Reed's pulling a pass down in double coverage to put Buffalo up.

Buffalo leads 7-3

Quarter Two
Scott Mitchell can still taste Marino on Bruce Smith's breath when he takes a sack on 3rd-and-6 deep inside his own territory. Reggie Roby's on to punt, and if anyone makes a used-up reference about his race here we'll feel compelled to remind you that we here at The Tecmo Bowl don't see race. And in some cases, neither do the programmers in charge of our beloved 8-bit capsule of escapism.

QB Bills and his offense get to work on piling up the score, and do it in embarrassing fashion when he lobs one up to Keith McKeller, who lets defenders fall down around him in awe of his ability to run in place and still score.

Buffalo leads 14-3

The Dolphins are suddenly facing 3rd-and-20 after another Bruce Smith sack, and soon after Mitchell remains perfectly imperfect with an 0-for-6 passing day by overthrowing Fred Banks. Roby's back out on the field, the only member of the Dolphins to move the ball into opponents' territory all day.

He's got a better chance catching that cloud than a Mitchell pass

Miami can't catch a break when QB Bills fumbles on third down, as Jamie Mueller picks it up. He doesn't convert the first down, but makes it possible for Rick Tuten to make a rare playoff appearance and punt it deep into Dolphins territory with just under a minute in the half.

The Dolphins are driving, and by that we mean they racked up more than 10 yards in three tries. With only 7 seconds left at midfield, Ray Bentley stuffs comeback Scott to keep a robust lead over his divisional rivals before halftime.

Halftime - Bills 14, Dolphins 3

Quarter Three
While eleven points doesn't look like an insurmountable lead numerically, with Mitchell helming the ship it appears Miami has already hit the Bruce Smith iceberg and are sinking fast, with Tony Paige looking for a quickie in an old Model-A. This couldn't be made more apparent when the Dolphins crash and burn on another 3-and-out, even with 3 wide open receivers.

Oliver doing some 'twisting'

Buffalo stalls their run-up when Bills uncharacteristically overthrows James Lofton on third down and Tuten's on for a second consecutive punt. Meanwhile, they're putting on their coats in hell.

When Miami faces a 3rd-and-16 and decides their best option is Sammie Smith, it's more than likely an omen of terrible things to come.

The third quarter of play ends with a bright spot for Miami, when Oliver gets his second interception and keeps the Bills at bay. Unfortunately for them, Scott Mitchell didn't stay lost when Coach Shula drove him to the outskirts of west Buffalo with a blindfold on.

Quarter Four
Despite the momentum shift, the Dolphins don't get anything going on offense and soon face another third down. Mitchell gets a faceful of Shane Conlan, and on 4th-and-26 Coach Shula reaches down deep and pulls out some rather large Florida oranges when he goes for it. Mitchell goes to the air, but his pass bounces harmlessly out of Sammie Smith's hands. And now Shula's just standing around with his hands full of useless oranges.

Hey, it's a lonely world for a Tecmo Bills player

The Bills execute the famous fake to Mueller up the middle, pitch to Thomas around the left side to score on the first play, fooling everyone in a Miami uniform and nobody else.

Buffalo leads 21-3

Down by at least a trillion in reality points, the Dolphins call an aggressive round of plays that include a wild overthrow of Banks and Mitchell's first interception. While nobody could blame him for his gutsiness, mostly because he didn't have much to begin with, mostly everyone could blame him for not throwing it to a wide open Mark Duper along the sidelines. Especially Mark Duper.

Buffalo puts an exclamation point on their divisional win with a pass to Lofton in triple coverage that leads to another Reed touchdown a play later. Everyone rejoices, mainly because they've made it through another Buffalo formality playoff win.

Final - Bills 28, Dolphins 3

Miami played well enough last week to bounce out a talented Cincinnati team, but it appears that extra week of play was just enough to ravage the Dolphins' already well-ravaged team. Since neither team remembered the running aspect of the game, Bills appears to be very lucky that Marino was hooked up to an IV drip by their second drive, otherwise his 195 yards and 2 picks might actually have been a bad thing. With the season series being split this year, Buffalo wins the tiebreaker in the most meaningful spot to advance to the AFC Championship against the winner of the Oilers/Seahawks game tomorrow. So with that in mind, we can bet that they've already booked their tickets to Houston for the most bland, sterile Championship game since any BCS Bowl game, ever.

***************************************************************************************

4 San Francisco 49ers (11-6) at 2 Washington Redskins (10-6)

Before the Madden curse, there was the
"Play Against San Francisco in the Playoffs" Curse

Quarter One
Four plays in, and Mark Rypien is put on the IR. It's after this point that I was perfectly fine with walking away and warming up my soup to sit down with and watch the other-dimension Niners play the Saints on TV. Backup QB and pride of Northeast Louisiana University, Stan Humphries comes in and efficiently drives the team down for a touchdown behind Earnest Byner. Maybe this game will live up to the hype, after all.

Washington leads 7-0

The 49ers move quickly and earnestly down the field behind a few power runs from Tom Rathman, but at the Washington 36-yard line they are stalled. Mike Cofer comes on to nail it from 53-yards out, knowing points are at a premium against this number-2 ranked defense.

Washington leads 7-3

Humphries can't recapture the magic from the first drive, as the Redskins go 3-and-out. This is usually the point in a 49ers game where the tide turns like a South Beach tsunami on the opposing team, so with that picture in mind, I was all ready to put on my boots and start clearing out the snow that had started to dump on us outside.

Quarter Two
San Francisco puts together another solid drive behind Tom Rathman and the questionably healthy Roger Craig, but once again are surprisingly halted near the red zone. Cofer draws the 49ers closer with another field goal, this time from 35 yards out, calling on the doom clouds to move in.

Washington leads 7-6

The Redskins have ample time to answer with 1:47 before the half, but Pierce Holt has other plans, sacking Humphries twice and forcing Washington to punt back to his team. With 22 seconds left, Montana has more than enough time to throw the daggers he mysteriously snuck in on the flight to D.C.

The 49ers gain some yardage, but not enough before the half. Fortunately for them, they'll have another chance afterwards to cause a collective heartbreak so loud it'll be heard in Falls Church.

Halftime - Redskins 7, 49ers 6

Quarter Three
The 49ers finally score after a long Montana run, with Tom Rathman walking in from 2 yards out. They take the lead on the inevitable junk yards given up by Washington, but we'll give credit where credit is due to Montana, a man with the legs of a geriatric pole dancer, and say "way to inspire your team to remember that they like to cheat."

San Francisco leads 13-7

Some acrobatic moves by the Redskin on the 33

Byner and his Redskins answer strongly with a long, drawn-out drive of short strikes from Humphries sandwiching a 45-yard sprint from Byner. As the quarter pulls to a close, the Redskins retake the lead with a 13-yard scamper from Byner. And so where other teams caved in to the pressure of playing the 49ers in January, Washington appears to have no quit yet, even with their grand offensive wizard down for the count. They're all in for making this a game, and for that, I'm ready to let my soup get cold again and crack open another Schlitz.

Washington leads 14-13

Quarter Four
The 49ers take two plays to score again, behind a long catch-and-run from Jerry Rice and a John Taylor dive in the end zone. Just as I caught myself going through my normal routine of cuss words saved for this particular time of the Tecmo year, I realize that Washington still has a lot of time on the clock.

San Francisco leads 20-14

And a bad Cofer kick doesn't hurt. The Redskins start at midfield behind their new captain, Stan Humphries, a man they've been forced to accept whether they wanted to or not. He doesn't steer them wrong, humbly letting Gary Clark and Earnest Byner take the reins on two back-to-back 20+ yard runs that get Washington into the end zone and put the onus back on their defense for the final two and a half minutes.

Washington leads 21-20

The fans show disapproval with a poop-themed 'wave'

San Francisco takes a poor Chip Lohmiller kick out to the NFL shield, and from there start driving Rathman and Craig down Washington's throats. Facing a pivotal 3rd-and-6 at the 'Skins' 27-yard line, the 49ers call the Rathman off-tackle, a play that will either keep them the game or have them packing their bags in an improbable upset. Rathman takes the ball with no intention of stopping, but doesn't even face the possibility of having that concept challenged as he runs into the end zone uncontested to put San Francisco up by a now seemingly insurmountable lead at this point in the game.

San Francisco leads 27-21

Washington needs a touchdown. They need it, and the football gods above, those very same ones that would one day conceive a man they'd name 'Tebow' for his unwavering courage and irresistible smile, have decided to only give the Redskins 1 minute and 9 seconds with which to score. Because of this tense situation and all that is riding on the line, I've decided to break this drive down, in the case it later is turned into something that inspires the next Sam Spence classic.

1:09, Washington 38-yard line: Gary Clark runs a successful reverse play 10 yards, but eats up twenty seconds of the clock. The Redskins call their second time out.

:47, Washington 48-yard line: Clark pulls in a pass up the middle and dashes to the 49ers' 36-yard line. Washington calls their final time out.

:26, San Francisco 36-yard line: Humphries is massively blitzed, losing 6 yards and a few nerve endings in his tailbone.

Another classic in the making

:20, San Francisco 36-yard line: For all intensive purposes, it's the final play of the game barring a sack or a terribly called run play despite all of Earnest Byner's previous success. Luckily for us, Humphries decides to drop back. Unluckily for Washington, all of their receivers are dutifully covered in or near the end zone. Heaving it up on a wing and a prayer, the ball takes off in a wobbly lame-duck formation. And what happens next will haunt me for the rest of my years, as my finger was not on the trigger in the one time I actually needed it to be...

In all my life as a Tecmo player, I've had to hear of the rare double-jump sequence. The truth is, despite me thinking I'd seen everything there was to see, I was never certain that I'd seen this; perhaps I thought I did from all those years lying to my Tecmo peers with the hopes of looking cool, if that was a possibility. In any case, it was never really a concrete fact that I'd seen this play, the Holy Grail of Tecmo plays, so when I saw it here I nearly shit my pants, finally knowing now that it was something that I truly had never seen before and would most likely never be lucky enough to see again.

The Double Jump. A solitary war between two men--the loneliest men on the field. In this case, it was Ricky Sanders versus Don Griffin (most likely). It started with Sanders jumping as he sprinted into the end zone, something I was hoping to expect, and was ready for as I hit the 'Print Screen' button. But what followed was something so unexpected that I froze, unable to capture the moment, and so for all you know I could just be lying. But trust me, I wouldn't lie about this. Not only because it would be the lamest lie ever, but because I know that the only people who'd still be following this blog would be die-hard Tecmoers, ones that I'd have no reason lying to about something as magical as this moment.

Sanders was in the air, but now Griffin was there too, ready to do battle a la Frazier versus Ali or Hogan versus Ultimate Warrior. One set of hands reached for the ball...but whose? Would this game end in a deserved interception of a sub-par passer like Humphries? Or would Sanders fight off the athletic Griffin to pull in a ball that would not only cement Washington's place in the NFC Championship, but knock out the un-knock-outable in the San Francisco 49ers? I'll let the following screen capture give you the outcome.

*

**

***

****

*****

******

*******

********

*********

**********

To Stan be the Glory

Final - Redskins 28, 49ers 27

This is the reason we do it, folks. The reason we go through our monotonous days at work, slaving for the man, knowing that we can come home to a cold beer and a warm Nintendo controller. We may not always get the girl or beat the Bills, but we continue to play knowing that even after twenty years there's still a flicker of magic left in that old cartridge somewhere. However, the last place I'd ever look for that flicker is in a COM versus COM game, especially with the 49ers involved in a Divisional playoff game. But there it was, waiting for me, telling me..telling us,  "you made it this far, now here are your just deserts." Washington beats San Francisco and advances to the Championship. A team filled with mettle and finesse at the same time. A team that beat out its rival in New York on the last day for the division crown. And they defended it well here, while also gaining back a measure of respect for a division that the 49ers made a mockery of last week. Even without the double jump animation, this game would have been magical; whether it be for the unwavering confidence of Stan Humphries, the heart of Earnest Byner, or the inspired play of the defense, Washington is now a team of destiny. They await the winner of Green Bay and Minnesota, two teams that must now know they're going to be in for a real dogfight in the NFC Championship.