Week Sixteen: Jack Pardee Nipping at Your Nose

The wrapping paper is off and the plates are sitting by the sink, caked in gravy and ham grease. You're sitting there, fireplace dying out, clothed in your new bathrobe and playing with your new Poetry Processor, the sounds of the football game fizzling behind you. It's Week Sixteen in the 1992 Tecmo Season, and either you're over the whole concept of football or you're just finally feeling the drool build up in the corners of your mouth. It's the week when playoff prognoses turn into realities and most teams are forced to carry their suitcases into their locker rooms. With eyes trained to look toward the New Year, the last week in December usually gets a bum rap. It's time we spice things up around here with our penultimate pronouncements of some passionate pigskin play!

 

1:00 Games

Green Bay (4-10) * L.A. Rams (7-7) 

Playoff Implications: Rams eliminated with a loss 

Los Angeles staves off the unavoidable for now with a passable win over the disappointing Packers. With the opportunity to spoil more than just the locker room egg nog, Green Bay cashed it in early with Favre unable to hit 100 yards passing against throwing 2 interceptions and Vince Workman leading the team in rushing with 46 yards on 7 attempts. Jim Everett put up 234 yards on his own, and the flashing bulbs reading "what could have been" over his head are never more noticeable.

Final Score: Rams 19, Packers 7

Houston (10-4) * Cleveland (7-7)

Playoff Implications: Oilers claim division with win

On the verge of falling short in an otherwise surprising season, the Browns not only pulled out an upset but solidly beat a Houston team with its sights set on a second consecutive division crown. Mike Tomczak reminded Warren Moon how a hungry quarterback plays with an uncharacteristic 278 passing yards (125 to Michael Jackson) and a 78% completion rating. With the win, Cleveland not only stays alive in the wild card but takes control of their destiny with a week remaining.

Final Score: Browns 28, Oilers 14

Dallas (9-5) * Atlanta (11-3)
Playoff Implications: Falcons clinch playoff berth with win
The Falcons slip up at perhaps the worst possible time in a division that was never a cake walk, falling to the red-hot Cowboys when a win could have put them in a possible division-clinching scenario. Chris Miller played less-than-inspired with just 140 yards and 3 picks, and though Troy Aikman wasn't much more exciting with 187 passing yards, his 0 interceptions and 90% completion rating have him in good shape for a deep playoff run. They put some distance between themselves and the wild card while also keeping the heat on Philadelphia.

Final Score: Cowboys 31, Falcons 10

San Diego (10-4) * L.A. Raiders (6-8)
Playoff Implications: Raiders eliminated with a loss
The Raiders are the second California team to avoid a playoff beheading with a season sweep of the now-reigning division champion San Diego Chargers. All Jay Schroeder had to do was sit back and let Stan Humphries show off his vulnerabilities, throwing just 104 yards with 3 interceptions. The Raiders win more convincingly this time around, keeping their heels entrenched in the mud. And though the Chargers were the first team in the postseason, they're now convincing most that they'll be the first out of it as well.

Final Score: Raiders 24, Chargers 7

Cincinnati (6-8) * New England (4-10)
Playoff Implications: Bengals eliminated with a loss
Cincinnati is the first team mercifully relieved of their duties after allowing the Patriots to score a late touchdown. Though New England has been nothing short of miserable, their glowing beacon in the night continues to be Kevin Turner, who put up not only another 100+ yard rushing game, but also caught 132 yards out of the backfield on just 3 receptions. His performance is enough to spoil a second showing in two years for the Bengals, giving Boomer a chance to bow of the season out as ungraciously as he entered it.

Final Score: Patriots 24, Bengals 21

Miami (10-3-1) * N.Y. Jets (7-6-1)
Playoff Implications: Dolphins claim division with win
                        Jets eliminate Raiders with win
In a divisional playoff that should have been, the Dolphins win the season series by actually defeating their divisional foe. The Jets beat Miami on the ground and, surprisingly, through the air, with Browning Nagle out-throwing Dan Marino 218 yards to 133, though it was obvious that Miami was comfortable with sitting back and letting the Jets self-destruct as they have all season. The Dolphins are the second team to swim into the playoffs, while the Raiders are able to hold their breath for another long week with New York losing.

Final Score: Dolphins 20, Jets 17

San Francisco (9-5) * Tampa Bay (6-8)
Playoff Implications: 49ers eliminated from NFC West with loss
In what will go down as perhaps the most befuddling chapter of the 49ers already puzzling season, the Buccaneers lay waste to a San Francisco team already wasted by a late-season slump that spelled their ultimate demise. Steve Young couldn't keep up with his old team, getting out-thrown by Vinny Testaverde 272 yards to 228, and though Tampa Bay was eliminated a week ago they still surprisingly play with enough heart to spoil the party for a team that nearly had their postseason spot etched in stone just a few weeks ago.

Final Score: Buccaneers 27, 49ers 24

Buffalo (9-5) * New Orleans (10-4)
Playoff Implications: Saints clinch playoff berth with win
Though the playoffs were more than an afterthought in Saints' fans minds halfway through the season, they now find the road a little tougher after falling victim to the hottest team in the NFL. The Buffalo Bills already claimed their second postseason trip with the Jets losing to Miami, yet handling a tough team in New Orleans was just as important to prove their mettle. Thurman Thomas is firmly entrenched in MVP talks with another stellar game of 111 yards on 14 attempts before injury, though with the berth the Bills hope to have their lame horse rested come playoff time.

Final Score: Bills 23, Saints 14

Minnesota (9-5) * Pittsburgh (8-6)
Playoff Implications: Steelers eliminated, Oilers clinch AFC Central with loss
The Vikings keep themselves alive with a needed win over the Steelers, while doing double duty by booting their opponents out of an improbable division race and allowing Houston to claim another backdoor title. Pittsburgh is dangerously close to letting their schizophrenic season be their undoing, with Barry Foster's 90 yards on 9 attempts not good enough to cover Neil O'Donnell's neck-straining performance of just 22 passing yards. The Steelers need help into the playoffs, but once there it may be a matter of who's willing to take "The Beard" out to pasture anyway.

Final Score: Vikings 24, Steelers 14

4:00 Games

Denver (5-9) * Seattle (4-10)

Playoff Implications: None

John Elway had a quietly consistent game in what was set to be a snoozer in the AFC West, throwing 235 yards with 91% of his passes reaching his receivers. Stan Gelbaugh was also efficient enough, keeping the ball out of the hands of his opponents. Though the book of both teams' seasons were written and closed early on, it's still possible for them to put on a performance like this that gives us hope for seasons to come. It's also possible that playing in an empty, silent arena helps the level of play as well. 

Final Score: Broncos 28, Seahawks 24

N.Y. Giants (5-9) * Kansas City (3-11)

Playoff Implications: None

While there's one story going on with teams in the playoff hunt, there's another one going on somewhere near the bottom of the barrel between teams hustling to not be the worst when the dust is settled. Kansas City gets just their fourth win in 16 tries by playing against one of those rare quarterbacks that is actually worse than Dave Krieg in a Kansas City uniform. The game was won by Kansas City through the air, with Krieg finding the unlikely Barry Word for 101 yards, a number Hostetler only has wet dreams about.

Final Score: Chiefs 28, Giants 21

Detroit (4-10) * Chicago (9-5)

Playoff Implications: Bears eliminate Rams with win

Chicago keeps the wild card annoyingly and excitingly convoluted and crowded with a slim win over their divisional brothers in Detroit. Brad Muster and Barry Sanders ran an identical 14 times, though Muster won the ground game by 3 yards. The air battle was lackluster and somewhat depressing for a late-season battle with playoff meddling on the line for the Lions, reminding us how relieved we are to not see Detroit in a postseason chair and how nervous we are to see Jim Harbaugh harpooning the backs of receivers in a wild card contest.

Final Score: Bears 17, Lions 14

Indianapolis (4-10) * Phoenix (2-12)

Playoff Implications: Cardinals eliminate Colts from the Jimmy V Celebrity Golf 

                         Classic with win

Chris Chandler plays for his career with the number one draft pick on the line, throwing 320 yards with 78% of his passes completed and the Cardinals have a third win under their belts. Ricky Proehl remained invisible all day, racking up 226 yards on 8 catches to keep Phoenix distanced from the Colts, who still haven't recovered from the 10-consecutive loss streak that will define their illustriously unsettling season. Somewhere, the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers are uncorking another bottle of champagne.

Final Score: Cardinals 30, Colts 17

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Monday Night Football

Philadelphia (10-4) * Washington (8-6)

Playoff Implications: Eagles clinch playoff berth with win

                        Redskins eliminated with loss

While most of you were nestling snugly in your beds, candy canes in your grubby clutches and all, there was a football game going on between Philadelphia and Washington. The last Monday Night contest was a fitting one, with more than just lost love on the line between the two divisional foes. A season removed from their Tecmo Bowl run, the Redskins found themselves in a do-or-die situation with Chicago and Dallas winning the day previous, while the Eagles had a chance at redemption by eliminating their pesky siblings a season after Washington came from behind to send Philadelphia packing in Week 17.

The first quarter was all about momentum, or, more appropriately, the lack thereof. Just as Philadelphia flirted with scoring, Herschel Walker dropped the first of what would be many fumbles throughout the day, allowing the Redskins the chance to turn the game around quickly. Unfortunately for them, they ran into one of the better defenses in the NFC and were forced to punt the ball back to the dangerous Randall Cunningham-led offense. Of course, as dangerous as Cunningham is to other teams, he is to his own when he threw a pick on his first pass. Mark Rypien plays hot potato with the ball, giving it back on his first play and allowing the Eagles a chance at redeeming themselves in Washington territory.

End of 1st Quarter - Eagles 0, Redskins 0

The second quarter quickly began by imitating the first, with Walker bobbling over his second fumble in the red zone. Washington once again went nowhere on their next drive, punting it back to Philadelphia. After another slow drive got its start, the rumblings in the stands began of fans fearing another Miami/New York debacle. Suddenly, Cunningham let one rip down the sideline to Freddy Barnett, picking up a svelte 47 yards. The Eagles kept the yardage positive down the rest of the field, capping it off with an exciting cross-body throw from Cunningham to Barnett that finally put a crooked number on the scoreboard just before the half.

Halftime - Eagles 7, Redskins 0

Washington took the ball to start the second half, and were immediately rewarded with an Earnest Byner injury. Fortunately, Rypien found his second biggest weapon in Ricky Ervins with a 50-yard touchdown connection that had Ervins outracing nearly all of Philadelphia's defenders. The Eagles responded with a quick drive deep into Redskins' territory, but not scoring quickly enough came back to bite them in the form of a third lost Walker fumble. Ricky Sanders told the story of Washington's next drive, taking the reverse for three straight plays that equalled 12 yards, then -5 and another -5. Ervins couldn't bail his quarterback out a second time, and Kelly Goodburn readied another punt going into the fourth quarter.

End of 3rd Quarter - Eagles 7, Redskins 7

Cunningham finally broke open for a big run, streaking for 57 yards to the Washington 33 and setting up a second Cunningham-to-Barnett connection to regain the lead. The Redskins continued the scoring flurry however, with Sanders getting his reverse on for 32 yards on 2 carries after a stellar Brian Mitchell return. Sanders capped off the drive in style with another reverse to tie the game. With enough time remaining to suck the air out of a second Tecmo Bowl trip for Washington, the Eagles drove fast and hard behind the daggers of Keith Byars, finally setting up a Calvin Williams catch-and-run up the middle to score.

Final Score: Eagles 21, Redskins 14

Knowing what was necessary to keep their dreams of a repeat alive, the Redskins found their foes in Philadelphia to be a bit more tough and hungry than they, falling short of not just another division crown but a playoff berth altogether in the midst of a highly competitive NFC field. Though the holidays were cut short for our friends from the nation's capitol, the rest of us are caught up now and ready to look ahead to the final week of blood-letting in this long and difficult 1992 season. The Eagles have the best chance to lay claim to the NFC East, and after this performance that saw them do everything outside of relenting it's almost a given. With an offense that's clicking and a defense that cracks mirrors, Philadelphia appears to not fear the short week ahead of them riding into the last week of regular season play.

Week Fifteen: Champagne Wishes, Infirmary Dreams

Like many an opposing quarterback, the pieces of Anthony Pleasant's broken rib puzzle are beginning to fall into place in Week 15. Many teams are one or two steps away from postseason promises and January dreams fulfilled. Eight teams are already out of the running, with a few more hanging dangerously close off the precipice. While some are in control of their own destinies, there are a select few hanging on to hopes of a fractured Chris Miller fibula or Warren Moon concussion to stay alive. Let's take a look at who's flowers and balloons will find a home in the infirmary after this week.

 

1:00 Games

Miami (9-3-1) * L.A. Raiders (6-7) 

With the Chargers playing in what may feel like their own backyard, the Raiders see their hopes for a miraculous division surge come toppling down in the end. Despite outplaying the Dolphins throughout the majority of the game, the loss of Eric Dickerson right after halftime spelled doom for Los Angeles, as even an underwhelming Dan Marino performance of 190 yards and a pick was enough to earn Miami a few cases of bubbly, courtesy of Stan Humphries.

Final Score: Dolphins 24, Raiders 20

San Diego (9-4) * Cincinnati (6-7)

The Chargers were already in celebratory mode with a coasting victory over Cincinnati, but when the clock hit triple-0 in Miami they knew it was time to party. The Bengals are bounced from the AFC Central race with the loss, allowing themselves to be run over by Rod Bernstine for 126 yards on just 12 carries. Boomer Esiason was a one-man rally killer for his team, throwing 3 picks to let a close game unravel in the end. The Chargers are the first lucky crew to see their names in 8-bit monochromatic, pixellated glory. 

Final Score: Chargers 28, Bengals 14

Indianapolis (3-10) * N.Y. Jets (7-5-1)

In what was, at one time, a two-team race in the AFC East, the Jets lose their fourth game in five attempts to have the final threads of their AFC East divisional hopes severed. One way to highlight the fact that you're a team of also-rans is to be beaten senseless by a team that at one point had lost 10 straight. Jeff George had his way with the normally stout Jets' defense, tossing up 264 yards with no interceptions. And somehow, the 10-game losing streak looks less offensive than Browning Nagle's 27% completion and just 89 yards. 

Final Score: Colts 31, Jets 20

Atlanta (10-3) * Tampa Bay (5-8)

Tampa Bay kept things tight with Atlanta all the way into overtime, with Vinny lobbing up 266 yards, 71 to his back-up running back in Anthony McDowell. Meanwhile, Chris Miller moved from dark horse to favorite in the MVP talks with another huge day of 366 yards, though Keith Jones was the fantasy darling with 202 yards receiving. Their victory does double duty of keeping the Rams from repeating in the West, while also delivering upon Tampa Bay a one-way ticket to a prolonged Christmas vacation. 

Final Score: Falcons 27, Buccaneers 24 (OT)

Detroit (4-9) * Cleveland (6-7)

The Browns pick up another big win against an unpredictable Lions squad that very well could have sent them packing to the promised land. Barry Sanders had a solid day of 92 yards rushing, though he was a man apart from his team with Rodney Peete's poor performance of just 114 yards with a pick. Mike Tomczak played like the elite quarterback he always insisted he was, chucking 229 yards with a 76% completion percentage, keeping the Browns in the hunt.

Final Score: Browns 28, Lions 7

Washington (7-6) * Dallas (9-4)

The biggest game of the early grouping had Washington come out the victors, defending their honor in a tough divisional battle behind a strong defense and Mark Rypien's return to prominence, throwing nearly perfect for 236 yards. The impenetrable duo of Troy Aikman and Emmitt Smith were stymied, combining for just 175 yards between them, and suddenly Washington is back in the race to defend their crown. And after what occurred last season, we're ready to go all in with any remaining chips from Ricky Sanders' Vegas bender.

Final Score: Redskins 31, Cowboys 7

Buffalo (8-5) * Denver (5-8)

In a game that was more important for Denver to win than for Buffalo to lose, John Elway succumbed to the pressure and returned to his early season slump. Though his 283 yards bested Jim Kelly's unsurprisingly lackluster 166, his proclivity for picks kept his Broncos from keeping up with the Bills. Denver falls out of a race they had no business being in, while the Bills are suddenly back in one we counted them out of after racking up their fifth win in a row.

Final Score: Bills 29, Broncos 17

Green Bay (4-9) * Houston (9-4)

The ill-experienced Packers had a big ticket to punch with Houston, and in a game that Favre needed to be at his boyishly brilliant best he succumbed to the big lights and threw up 2 picks with just 219 yards. Warren Moon's 90% completion and 300-yard barrier busting all but cemented him the passing crown, and their win has the presses stopped on Cleveland's improbable Division Champions t-shirt run. Houston is heating up at just the right time for a Tecmo Bowl repeat.

Final Score: Oilers 38, Packers 22

New Orleans (9-4) * L.A. Rams (7-6)

After feasting on their own division for much of the second half of the season, the Rams lost their bite after seeing Atlanta's win on the scoreboard. New Orleans squeaked by despite all of Bobby Hebert's attempts at throwing away a second game, this time fighting for just 112 yards aside from an eye-popping 5 interceptions. The Saints keep at Atlanta's heels, though their early-season thrusting has their tanks dangerously crossing over the 'E' line at perhaps the worst time for their surprising season.

Final Score: Saints 16, Rams 14

4:00 Games

Philadelphia (9-4) * Seattle (4-9)

The Eagles floated to a win in their late game with Dallas losing earlier on, claiming sole possession of first despite dozing through the Seahawks behind Randall Cunningham's 133 yards and 2 interceptions. His somnambulist line looked downright inspired next to Zombie Gelbaugh's own 65 yards and 3 picks, leading some in the Seattle press to think he's taking money under the table from Dan McGwire. With the win, the Eagles take the reins of their own destiny around the final curve of the season.

Final Score: Eagles 19, Seahawks 7

Kansas City (3-10) * New England (3-10)

The AFC sewer rats collide in the muck and grime of this late season affair, and in the end the Patriots spare us with a late field goal to win. The bright spot that continues to burn into the diseased flesh of New England is Kevin Turner, who picked up 97 yards on the ground and another 117 in the air. A man who plays this hard on a team destined to nest beneath the trash at the bottom of a subway rail says a lot about resolve and responsibility, something Dave Krieg could pay a portion of his enormous salary to learn about.

Final Score: Patriots 31, Chiefs 28

San Francisco (8-5) * Minnesota (9-4)

It was a contest we could see in the postseason, though the Vikings wouldn't like to admit it. With everyone from Tom Rathman, who ran 103 yards on just 13 attempts, to Steve Young to even the 49ers' underestimated defense rolling over Minnesota, it was a lopsided effort that shows one team ready to take over the playoffs and another oblivious to the fact that it's only a few short weeks away. The Vikings go back to regroup, their eyes a little more fixed on the Monday Night game to commence tomorrow.

Final Score: 49ers 31, Vikings 7

Phoenix (2-11) * N.Y. Giants (4-9)

The Giants looked like the team playing for a playoff position a season ago with Jeff Hostetler finally waking up before the game to throw 291 yards and completing 76% of his passes. Phoenix removed their world-beater masks early on in this one, a week removed from stalling San Diego in their quest for a championship. The Cardinals reverted to their woeful ways with Chandler throwing picks and third-stringer Larry Centers leading the rushing attack, clinching the one thing nobody doubted they'd clinch this season: last place in the NFC East.

Final Score: Giants 24, Cardinals 16

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The Bears and Steelers are two teams of angry, brutish men fighting for a glass slipper. Cinderella representations from their respective Central divisions, these two meet in a late season battle that leaves the winner with a great chance at some great things in the postseason. The loser, on the other hand, will have to keep the night alive as long as possible before watching any hopes they've developed over their own late-season surge turn back into the rotten pumpkin they started the year with. The Bears have been victims of three separate blowouts, while Pittsburgh's greatest margin of victory during their exciting six-game streak was only 7. Something's going to give in our Monday Night contest, and as long as it's not Barry Foster's sternum when Mike Singletary runs headlong into him, the Steelers have a good chance to be asked to the ball by a handsome prince.

Monday Night Football: San Diego vs. Cleveland

As promised, we now present a Monday Night slugfest of two AFC teams turning their respective fortunes around from last year. San Diego is ready to pull away with the AFC West, something a win over Cleveland would make very much possible. Cleveland, on the other hand, may be breathing on fumes if they can't find a way to win here. Suffering a demoralizing loss at the hands of Houston last week, the Browns need to find a way to recreate their 5-game win streak earlier this season to get back in the serious discussion between retired man-boys on network television.

Quarter One
The Chargers waste no time taking the reins of this game, with a deep John Carney kick to Randy Baldwin, who is wiped out at his own 9 yard line. Immediately after, Mike Tomczack gets steamrolled right inside his own end zone by Henry Rolling, causing his life insurance company to cringe for just a second.

San Diego leads 2-0

No, not that Terry Taylor

Nate Lewis, the dedicated return man for San Diego, returns a pitiful Matt Stover kick across midfield. Stan Humphries has little chance to get comfortable himself when Cleveland cornerback Terry Taylor picks him off on his first pass of the game. The Red Rooster strikes again!

Tomczak begins his run at redemption in the familiar shotgun formation, though he's once again acquainted with Henry Rolling's Burger King breath with a sack of 13 yards. Eric Metcalf takes a stab at it and converts Cleveland's first positive play of the game, a run of 7 yards. Quickly facing a 3rd-and-16 situation, Tomczak gets his first pass off, connecting successfully with the sixth-rounder out of Colorado, Rico Smith, who runs it out to the San Diego 29-yard line. On the ensuing play, Tomczak takes his pick of 5 open receivers, choosing Kevin Mack at the 10-yard line to run it in for Cleveland's first score.

Cleveland leads 7-2

Lewis returns his second kick to the Chargers' 20, following it up with a catch in the open field for an additional 48 yards deep in the Cleveland dog pound. Smooth Stan runs the next play like butter, handing it off quickly to Rod Bernstine, only to have Bernstine huck it back for Humphries to find Anthony Miller in the corner of the end zone to make Bill Belichick's frown grow a frown of its own.

San Diego leads 9-7

The Browns get decent starting position once again with a Baldwin return to the 43-yard line. Eric Metcalf batters his way through the San Diego pinball machine, picking up 7 yards. On second down, the Chargers roll over Metcalf to force another third down with a yard loss. Tomczak, slightly less stoic than his last drive, throws the panic lever and bounces the ball off of Metcalf and the three defenders swarming him.

Quarter Two
Brian Hansen cashes his paycheck with a punt that pins Eric Bieniemy at his team's 9-yard line. Poised as ever, Humphries avoids the safety by falling forward into Mike Johnson's waiting meat cleaver hands at the 1-yard line. Head coach Bobby Ross rolls his grapefruit testicles on to the field over the next two plays, consisting of a Humphries flea flicker that falls short, followed by a dangerous Miller reverse that has the receiver nearly running behind the goal post, though he's still able to pick up 15 of the 18 yards needed to give punter John Kidd some breathing room.

Kidd lofts the ball all the way to the Cleveland 30-yard line, giving Metcalf hardly a chance to return before he's smeared like a fitting brown liver pate on the field. Tomczak laces it to Rico Suave for a 20-yard gain on first down, following it up with a dandy 14-yard run of his own to the San Diego 27-yard line. The promising drive comes to a screeching halt, however, when Texas native Stanley Richard picks off the eclectic Tomczak at the San Diego 5-yard line. He charges back to the 23 to set his team up for the next drive.

Humphries gets the dancing bug, trotting an entire 2 yards over the Cleveland defense. On second down, Bernstine picks up his quarterback's slack with a decent 10-yard rush of his own, his first carry of the game. Mike Johnson swallows Humphries for another sack, erasing 11 yards. Bernstine's run, while admirable, only regains 7, so on 3rd-and-14 when Humphries' pass to Lewis only picks up a similar 7, the Chargers are forced to punt it away once more.

With exactly 42 seconds remaining until the end of the half, Metcalf sashays his way through the San Diego special teams, chewing up valuable playing time for Tomczak and company. With 22 seconds left, Cleveland resolves to send Metcalf up the middle to end the half on a reasonably positive note, though his tackle at the 1-yard line with 0 seconds remaining is about as non-positive as you can get for a team struggling to find ways to score all season.

Halftime - Chargers 9, Browns 7

Quarter Three
Nate Lewis gets a solid return to the San Diego 44-yard line. Undaunted by his previous failures, Humphries boldly digs down deep for the flea flicker once more, finding it batted away again on course to Anthony Miller. His pass up the middle on second down to Bernstine is also batted like a sack of steaming potatoes away from any live bodies. Lewis atones for his teammates with a catch in coverage 12 yards away, setting up a new course of downs. Like clockwork, Humphries forges on with the flicker, finding it knocked down again by a Cleveland secondary apparently uniformed in canola oil. On second down, Humphries drops back, gets serious for a second, and uses his fortunate ability to be protected all day long to find a wide open Lewis along the sideline for a 45-yard score.

San Diego leads 16-7

Cleveland starts at midfield after a short kick and, knowing they've finally used up all their chances to keep the game close, start their scoring drive with a pitch to Mack that's blitzed and loses 6 yards. Mack can't make up for the loss, falling over a yard further behind the line of scrimmage, and on 3rd-and-17, Tomczak knows he's in trouble when a wide open Rico Smith forgets everything he learned in Colorado and drops the pass. Belichick sends in Mrs. Hansen's baby boy for the punt.

Bieniemy only musters up a return to the 11-yard line, giving the Chargers a long field but a fair amount of time needed to erase from the clock anyway. On first down, Humphries goes to the air, lobbing it to Lewis who can't fight physics and reach through his defender to catch the ball. Michael Dean Perry notches another tally for his bedpost with a sack of Humphries, setting up a third down in which Nate Lewis has no chance of catching the ball, even in triple coverage.

Eric Metcalf finally comes clean on his guarantee by schooling the San Diego special teams with a punt return to the Chargers' 35-yard line. An omen of things to come, however, presents itself when Tomczak throws to a covered Michael Jackson and is almost picked off. Metcalf takes the ball safely on the next two plays, converting a first down. Tomczak takes another stab at glory, and for the time being is rewarded with the assistance of a leaping Jackson in the end zone to pull the game back within two.

San Diego leads 16-14

Nate Lewis answers with a decent return of his own to the Browns' 45-yard line, setting up a time-killing drive of two straight Rod Bernstine runs to close out the quarter with an additional 15 yards to his name.

Quarter Four
Humphries gets back to basics with an incomplete pass to Lewis to kick off the fourth quarter. On 3rd-and-10, the popular flea flicker continues its every third-play trend, though it still can't fool the windmill arms of the Cleveland secondary. On fourth down, John Carney is sent out to put this game out of field goal range for the Browns, a feat that is successfully converted from 48 yards away.

San Diego leads 19-14

Carney's still got some blood pumping through his femur on the ensuing kickoff, one that pins Baldwin back at his own 7 with a shade over 2 minutes to play and Cleveland suffering a bit of unsettling deja vu. With San Diego predictably blitzing, Tomczak forgoes the common sense that saved them on their first drive by lobbing up an ill-advised duck into the welcoming gloves of San Diego cornerback Anthony Blaylock.

The Browns defense comes up big, stopping two straight reverses and another Humphries flea flicker, though San Diego does its job in wiping out over a minute from the clock. John Carney is called upon once more, and he also does his job by ruining Thanksgiving for little Johnny in Cleveland with an icer from 26 yards away.

San Diego leads 22-14

With just 5 seconds left to play after a Baldwin return to the 45-yard line, the Browns do all they can in an alternate dimension where 2-point conversions are unfathomable; they call the Tomczak-to-Metcalf pitch that sees Metcalf running backwards on an escalator into futility.

Final: Chargers 22, Browns 14

Though hardly a clean game by any stretch, the Chargers proved to still be the class of the AFC with a defensive spanking of the ill-prepared Browns. Had Humphries strayed from the flea flicker formula a bit, he may have had a better showing for the national audience though his resilience after a first-throw interception did prove who the better man was out there. Tomczak tried his best, though it was hard to avoid getting his clock cleaned by a hungry San Diego front seven ready to prey on the Browns' weak line. The Chargers go on to their eighth win, one we predicted at the beginning of the season should be enough to clinch the West, while the Browns' fifth loss may be enough to force them to show their hand in a division that includes the unflappable Oilers and unpredictable Bengals. Of course, only time will tell what's in store for the rowdy Brown bunch, though we think the continual benching of Bernie Kosar will be inversely related to their appearances in any January football games.

Looking Ahead: Week Eleven

Eleven weeks in, and the only thing we're sure of is that we're sure of nothing. Though teams like the Chargers, Eagles and Vikings look poised to take their divisions, we know that these next seven weeks will prove that anything goes. Teams like the Dolphins and Jets vie atop their division, while the Steelers have come out from nowhere to become the newest AFC Wild Card darlings. The NFC West appears to be poised for three representatives in the playoffs, with the order very much undetermined. With it all up in the air, it's time to take another look ahead as we make one smaller step for Tecmo kind.

The importance of a few of our early games is so obvious it's almost not even worth mentioning. But as our specialty is pointing out the obvious, we will do as much now. San Francisco will attempt to pull even with the Saints, who've only lost once this season -- to San Francisco. Buffalo will measure up against the new class of the AFC East in Miami, needing a win to just pull within .500. Meanwhile, Houston and Minnesota will meet in a clash of former Central division champions and current leaders within their division. We'll also have the pleasure of seeing the surging Eagles beat up on Green Bay and Phoenix try to make it two wins straight after going 0-8, though they'll more or less be carrion for the Falcons by the third quarter.

Aside from those contests, the rest of the early games present a fun grab bag of meaningless mid-season match-ups. Tampa Bay and Chicago will battle in the Purgatory that is the race for the NFC's 3rd Wild Card along with Dallas and the Rams. Also, Denver continues their quest to show that their one step forward and two steps back philosophy is still a worthwhile venture against a Giants team with no clear future. Lastly, to prove that this whole job is as much scraping sewer walls as it is ice cream taste testing, there's a game between New England and Indianapolis to test whether or not you still have a gag reflex.

Our Sunday evening games will pass through some important territories, first with New York's AFC representative, the Jets, trying to hold back a Bengals team that has a renewed taste for winning. Meanwhile, Pittsburgh shoots for five straight against an unpredictable Detroit team. The Redskins will take another baby step in the NFC East with a should-be walk over the Chiefs and the Raiders hope to end their hurtle by bouncing back against the AFC trampoline in Seattle.

Monday night's next melee is an AFC affair this time around, featuring the coasting Chargers battling against the hungry Browns of Cleveland. The Browns haven't scored a point since Week Nine which, not so coincidentally, was the week of their last win. Despite the setback against Houston, Mike Tomczak will continue to prove that their five-game win streak was not a fluke and that Bernie Kosar will continue to carve a spot into the Cleveland bench with his butt cheeks. In San Diego, Stan Humphries has been anything but a fluke, and will prove why he's still a top-5 quarterback in his first featured game since last year's Tecmo Bowl. In order to get his team back to the big game, he'll need to continue his calm, cool and collected crap-kicking of other teams' defenses. This game will surprisingly go a long way in determining each team's fate. Don't miss out on this one!

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AFC 

NFC

Looking Ahead: Week Two

We've forged through one week of Tecmo football, which is already a good omen for the completion of this weblog on the 1992 NFL season. With excitement at a fever pitch, it's time to dive into the match-ups for Week 2 to continue our tradition of making completely baseless predictions on how the computer will simulate the winners. Game on!

1992: The Year Kosar Lost His Smile

Two of the games in this second week will feature teams that were strangely idle during Week One, due to the NFL still trying to iron out the wrinkles of having an even number of teams face off while also keeping the Patriots out of the eyes of its prospective fans. New England makes their Grogan-less debut, hoping to steal a win against the spiraling Los Angeles Rams. The Rams were a victim of their own horrid defense, but this week may look like an iron wall against Hugh Millen's limp noodle of an arm. Miami also makes their 1992 debut, starting their championship campaign against the Cleveland Browns. Cleveland experienced the double whammy of losing Kevin Mack and Mike Tomczak not getting hit by a double decker during the week, which means Miami's already off to a record-setting start.

The NFC Central continues its incestuous affair with the Vikings picking on the Lions and the Buccaneers entering as the underdog despite being ahead of Green Bay in the standings. Brett Favre hopes to put his 1st career start behind him, though if he continues to play the way he did in Week One, we see lots of CFL in this young man's future. Other games to watch include seeing if Pittsburgh kept their tank full for the New York Jets and whether or not Houston can get their first win against our upset pick in the early games, the Indianapolis Colts. And Dallas versus the New York Giants should provide no shortage of drugged up, hostile sociopaths, when the fans of either team engage in this battle of the 0-1 NFC East juggernauts.

The late games include the annual Tecmo Bowl pick, Buffalo versus San Francisco, and a key divisional match-up between last year's AFC West champion, the Denver Broncos, trying to make up some ground against this year's predicted crown-winner, the San Diego Chargers. Perhaps one of the more intriguing match-ups is between the Cincinnati Bengals and Los Angeles Raiders. The Bengals continue to make us eat our filthy, disgusting words by simply winning, while the Raiders looked like vicious monsters despite the noticeable absence of a man named Bo. The winner of this contest will go a long way in convincing us of their right to be noticed. Meanwhile, the upset pick of the late games will be Phoenix over the Philadelphia Eagles. We picked the red birdmen to only win 1-2 games this year, and we think they'll decide to get it out of the way early against a punchless Eagles team, inspiring Cunningham to lead his troops on a march to not make us look like ignoramuses.

The KingDome will be rocking in Seattle for Monday Night Football, when Dave Krieg returns to the city he put on the NFL map, now with the division rival Kansas City Chiefs. The Seahawks hope to bury Krieg on the same turf he picked out of his helmet for 11 years, though Stan Gelbaugh may have something to say about it. The Chiefs won't have Christian Okoye leading the way with the ball through most of the game, so it's up to Krieg and his gifted ability to not be Gelbaugh or any of the other 'platoon' of Seattle quarterbacks to pull out a needed win for Kansas City. The AFC West will continue to be winnable until Week 17, though in Seattle's case it'll only relate to them having the first pick of the division in next year's draft.

Ah, the glory days

Now look at these standings before we knock down your door and serve you with them.

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