Monday Night Football: San Diego vs. Cleveland

As promised, we now present a Monday Night slugfest of two AFC teams turning their respective fortunes around from last year. San Diego is ready to pull away with the AFC West, something a win over Cleveland would make very much possible. Cleveland, on the other hand, may be breathing on fumes if they can't find a way to win here. Suffering a demoralizing loss at the hands of Houston last week, the Browns need to find a way to recreate their 5-game win streak earlier this season to get back in the serious discussion between retired man-boys on network television.

Quarter One
The Chargers waste no time taking the reins of this game, with a deep John Carney kick to Randy Baldwin, who is wiped out at his own 9 yard line. Immediately after, Mike Tomczack gets steamrolled right inside his own end zone by Henry Rolling, causing his life insurance company to cringe for just a second.

San Diego leads 2-0

No, not that Terry Taylor

Nate Lewis, the dedicated return man for San Diego, returns a pitiful Matt Stover kick across midfield. Stan Humphries has little chance to get comfortable himself when Cleveland cornerback Terry Taylor picks him off on his first pass of the game. The Red Rooster strikes again!

Tomczak begins his run at redemption in the familiar shotgun formation, though he's once again acquainted with Henry Rolling's Burger King breath with a sack of 13 yards. Eric Metcalf takes a stab at it and converts Cleveland's first positive play of the game, a run of 7 yards. Quickly facing a 3rd-and-16 situation, Tomczak gets his first pass off, connecting successfully with the sixth-rounder out of Colorado, Rico Smith, who runs it out to the San Diego 29-yard line. On the ensuing play, Tomczak takes his pick of 5 open receivers, choosing Kevin Mack at the 10-yard line to run it in for Cleveland's first score.

Cleveland leads 7-2

Lewis returns his second kick to the Chargers' 20, following it up with a catch in the open field for an additional 48 yards deep in the Cleveland dog pound. Smooth Stan runs the next play like butter, handing it off quickly to Rod Bernstine, only to have Bernstine huck it back for Humphries to find Anthony Miller in the corner of the end zone to make Bill Belichick's frown grow a frown of its own.

San Diego leads 9-7

The Browns get decent starting position once again with a Baldwin return to the 43-yard line. Eric Metcalf batters his way through the San Diego pinball machine, picking up 7 yards. On second down, the Chargers roll over Metcalf to force another third down with a yard loss. Tomczak, slightly less stoic than his last drive, throws the panic lever and bounces the ball off of Metcalf and the three defenders swarming him.

Quarter Two
Brian Hansen cashes his paycheck with a punt that pins Eric Bieniemy at his team's 9-yard line. Poised as ever, Humphries avoids the safety by falling forward into Mike Johnson's waiting meat cleaver hands at the 1-yard line. Head coach Bobby Ross rolls his grapefruit testicles on to the field over the next two plays, consisting of a Humphries flea flicker that falls short, followed by a dangerous Miller reverse that has the receiver nearly running behind the goal post, though he's still able to pick up 15 of the 18 yards needed to give punter John Kidd some breathing room.

Kidd lofts the ball all the way to the Cleveland 30-yard line, giving Metcalf hardly a chance to return before he's smeared like a fitting brown liver pate on the field. Tomczak laces it to Rico Suave for a 20-yard gain on first down, following it up with a dandy 14-yard run of his own to the San Diego 27-yard line. The promising drive comes to a screeching halt, however, when Texas native Stanley Richard picks off the eclectic Tomczak at the San Diego 5-yard line. He charges back to the 23 to set his team up for the next drive.

Humphries gets the dancing bug, trotting an entire 2 yards over the Cleveland defense. On second down, Bernstine picks up his quarterback's slack with a decent 10-yard rush of his own, his first carry of the game. Mike Johnson swallows Humphries for another sack, erasing 11 yards. Bernstine's run, while admirable, only regains 7, so on 3rd-and-14 when Humphries' pass to Lewis only picks up a similar 7, the Chargers are forced to punt it away once more.

With exactly 42 seconds remaining until the end of the half, Metcalf sashays his way through the San Diego special teams, chewing up valuable playing time for Tomczak and company. With 22 seconds left, Cleveland resolves to send Metcalf up the middle to end the half on a reasonably positive note, though his tackle at the 1-yard line with 0 seconds remaining is about as non-positive as you can get for a team struggling to find ways to score all season.

Halftime - Chargers 9, Browns 7

Quarter Three
Nate Lewis gets a solid return to the San Diego 44-yard line. Undaunted by his previous failures, Humphries boldly digs down deep for the flea flicker once more, finding it batted away again on course to Anthony Miller. His pass up the middle on second down to Bernstine is also batted like a sack of steaming potatoes away from any live bodies. Lewis atones for his teammates with a catch in coverage 12 yards away, setting up a new course of downs. Like clockwork, Humphries forges on with the flicker, finding it knocked down again by a Cleveland secondary apparently uniformed in canola oil. On second down, Humphries drops back, gets serious for a second, and uses his fortunate ability to be protected all day long to find a wide open Lewis along the sideline for a 45-yard score.

San Diego leads 16-7

Cleveland starts at midfield after a short kick and, knowing they've finally used up all their chances to keep the game close, start their scoring drive with a pitch to Mack that's blitzed and loses 6 yards. Mack can't make up for the loss, falling over a yard further behind the line of scrimmage, and on 3rd-and-17, Tomczak knows he's in trouble when a wide open Rico Smith forgets everything he learned in Colorado and drops the pass. Belichick sends in Mrs. Hansen's baby boy for the punt.

Bieniemy only musters up a return to the 11-yard line, giving the Chargers a long field but a fair amount of time needed to erase from the clock anyway. On first down, Humphries goes to the air, lobbing it to Lewis who can't fight physics and reach through his defender to catch the ball. Michael Dean Perry notches another tally for his bedpost with a sack of Humphries, setting up a third down in which Nate Lewis has no chance of catching the ball, even in triple coverage.

Eric Metcalf finally comes clean on his guarantee by schooling the San Diego special teams with a punt return to the Chargers' 35-yard line. An omen of things to come, however, presents itself when Tomczak throws to a covered Michael Jackson and is almost picked off. Metcalf takes the ball safely on the next two plays, converting a first down. Tomczak takes another stab at glory, and for the time being is rewarded with the assistance of a leaping Jackson in the end zone to pull the game back within two.

San Diego leads 16-14

Nate Lewis answers with a decent return of his own to the Browns' 45-yard line, setting up a time-killing drive of two straight Rod Bernstine runs to close out the quarter with an additional 15 yards to his name.

Quarter Four
Humphries gets back to basics with an incomplete pass to Lewis to kick off the fourth quarter. On 3rd-and-10, the popular flea flicker continues its every third-play trend, though it still can't fool the windmill arms of the Cleveland secondary. On fourth down, John Carney is sent out to put this game out of field goal range for the Browns, a feat that is successfully converted from 48 yards away.

San Diego leads 19-14

Carney's still got some blood pumping through his femur on the ensuing kickoff, one that pins Baldwin back at his own 7 with a shade over 2 minutes to play and Cleveland suffering a bit of unsettling deja vu. With San Diego predictably blitzing, Tomczak forgoes the common sense that saved them on their first drive by lobbing up an ill-advised duck into the welcoming gloves of San Diego cornerback Anthony Blaylock.

The Browns defense comes up big, stopping two straight reverses and another Humphries flea flicker, though San Diego does its job in wiping out over a minute from the clock. John Carney is called upon once more, and he also does his job by ruining Thanksgiving for little Johnny in Cleveland with an icer from 26 yards away.

San Diego leads 22-14

With just 5 seconds left to play after a Baldwin return to the 45-yard line, the Browns do all they can in an alternate dimension where 2-point conversions are unfathomable; they call the Tomczak-to-Metcalf pitch that sees Metcalf running backwards on an escalator into futility.

Final: Chargers 22, Browns 14

Though hardly a clean game by any stretch, the Chargers proved to still be the class of the AFC with a defensive spanking of the ill-prepared Browns. Had Humphries strayed from the flea flicker formula a bit, he may have had a better showing for the national audience though his resilience after a first-throw interception did prove who the better man was out there. Tomczak tried his best, though it was hard to avoid getting his clock cleaned by a hungry San Diego front seven ready to prey on the Browns' weak line. The Chargers go on to their eighth win, one we predicted at the beginning of the season should be enough to clinch the West, while the Browns' fifth loss may be enough to force them to show their hand in a division that includes the unflappable Oilers and unpredictable Bengals. Of course, only time will tell what's in store for the rowdy Brown bunch, though we think the continual benching of Bernie Kosar will be inversely related to their appearances in any January football games.

Week Eleven: O'Donnell's Simple Mustache Machine

It's sure to be an eventful week with many middle of the road teams looking to break out from their exile in mediocrity. Week eleven is also notorious for a few apple-cart upsets for teams in the playoff hunt. Who the victims are this week remains to be seen, though we'd assume the teams treading a tightrope all season are in for some hurting. The Vikings, Cowboys and Jets have played tough, but their staying power may only be as long as the time between Rich Gannon's menstruation periods. Other teams like Pittsburgh and Washington have made great runs to nose their way back in, though it's hard to say that the weight of Neil O'Donnell's mustache won't tip the lever to the other side of the fulcrum. Of course, we could either continue making petty predictions or we could just dive into the games as they progress. We'll assume by your bored silence you prefer the latter, so let's hit it!

1:00 Games

San Francisco (7-2) * New Orleans (8-1)

The incestuous NFC West kicks off with Steve Young putting on a seminar for Bobby Hebert. Young threw 238 yards, finding his receivers 71% of the time, to Bobby's 201 (not including the yards thrown to 3 of San Francisco's secondary). The 49ers also dominated the all-important ground game in sending Tom Rathman to the wolves of New Orleans' normally nasty rush defense, collecting 93 yards and a score of his own. San Francisco pulls itself back into a first place tie behind Mike Cofer, with no signs of these horses tiring any time soon. 

Final Score: 49ers 24, Saints 21 (OT)

Buffalo (4-5) * Miami (6-2-1)

Speaking of a horse race, the donkeys of the AFC East collide in what used to be a pretty marquee match-up for the division. Marino outgunned Kelly once more, but it was the rise of Thurman Thomas and his 153 all-purpose yards that crowded the division just a bit more. The Dolphins' one-sided pass attack showed its flaws this week, whetting the whistle of their foes, though despite the loss they still lead this very shaky race by virtue of choosing not to win against New York.

Final Score: Bills 31, Dolphins 23

Philadelphia (7-2) * Green Bay (3-6)

The first of our clairvoyant upset picks reared its ugly head with the return of Sterling Sharpe rousing his troops into action against the usually-dominant Eagles. Behind quarterback Brett Favre, the Packers staged their first comeback win, going ahead late with Favre's 238 yards, 0 picks and a 90% completion rate. Jackie Harris was still Brett's stud despite Sterling's return, but perhaps he was the voice needed to start what Green Bay hopes is a resounding comeback late in the season after this solid win against Philadelphia. 

Final Score: Packers 31, Eagles 30

Atlanta (7-2) * Phoenix (1-8)

Andre Rison limped off the field after catching 3 Chris Miller balls for 116 yards, enough to fight off a valiant Cardinals' comeback to keep Atlanta in their division's menage a trois. Miller was a force to be reckoned with, edging out in the NFL's new marketing scheme, entitled 'The Battle of Chris-es', by throwing 262 yards with a 91% completion rate to Chandler's 286/62% split. Randal Hill did his best Rison impersonation with 3 catches for 114 yards, though doing so with an empty Atlanta secondary is somehow slightly less impressive.

Final Score: Falcons 34, Cardinals 31

Houston (6-3) * Minnesota (7-2)

The Oilers continue their winning ways by way of reigniting Minnesota's losing curse as Warren Moon connected for 337 yards all over the Vikings defense. Curtis Duncan picked the largest straw in Moon's receiving corps, catching 7 balls for 195 yards, though Rich Gannon kept it close by throwing 265 yards, 184 of those to his emerging favorite target in Cris Carter. The Vikings were tough in defeat, keeping some wind in their sails, while the Oilers, even after a slow start, continue to find ways to stay afloat despite taking on the water weight that is Lorenzo White.

Final Score: Oilers 30, Vikings 24 (OT)

Tampa Bay (4-5) * Chicago (5-4)

The Bears continue to find more ways to separate themselves from the muck of the rest of their division, including pulling out a win against Tampa Bay in the face of a 14-point deficit in the 4th quarter. The Buccaneers let it slip away after Brad Muster invoked his angry troll voodoo spell and ran roughshod over Tampa Bay's defense for 133 yards on 14 carries. Until then, the story of the day was Jim Harbaugh's 47 passing yards, a number that, much like a certain presidential candidate, may come back to haunt him when training camp rolls around next season. 

Final Score: Bears 21, Buccaneers 17

Denver (3-6) * New York Giants (3-6)

In another dimension, it'd still be a game nobody cared about with two quarterbacks that usually err on the side of abysmal trying to out-suck each other. Once again, Jeff Hostetler ran away with it, unable to cross over 200 yards passing yet again and having no help on the ground from Rodney Hampton. Reggie Rivers was also a thorn in John Elway's side, prompting him to light up for 220 yards with fewer mistakes than normal to put another meaningless win in the column for the most underachieving team in football. 

Final Score: Broncos 21, Giants 14

L.A. Rams (4-5) * Dallas (5-4)

Dallas escaped a sure upset with another solid day of running from Emmitt Smith, who tacked on another 102 yards to his league-leading rushing stats. Cleveland Gary also had a stand-out game, running for 111 yards on 10 attempts, though that number loses some flavor when put up against Jim Everett and his 45% completion rating and just 105 yards thrown on the field. Though Troy Aikman didn't fare much better with just 127 yards and a pick, his name will be the one not confused with a female tennis player come playoff time. 

Final Score: Cowboys 24, Rams 20

New England (1-8) * Indianapolis (2-7)

The annual Toilet Bowl comes late to the 1992 Tecmo season, and it doesn't disappoint with the two featured teams combining for a 3-15 record. New England still runs away with this one and delivers upon the Colts their fitting 8th loss in a row behind an other-worldly performance from Kevin Turner and his 251 all-purpose yards. It's hard to say how many volumes are spoken when Turner has become Hugh Millen's favorite target, throwing 102 of his 162 yards to Turner. Be sure to stick around; the plunger may be needed for a double flush when these two teams meet again in Week 14.

Final Score: Patriots 34, Colts 7

4:00 Games

New York Jets (6-2-1) * Cincinnati (4-5)

The Jets miss out on their first great opportunity to take sole ownership of the division since tying Miami behind rookie quarterback Browning Nagle's worst outing of the year. Throwing just 85 yards with a pick, Nagle made Boomer Esiason feel like it was 1988 again despite just throwing 126 yards, 81 of them to emerging star Carl Pickens. Harold Green made his return to relevance as well, topping out at 108 yards on 9 carries, and suddenly Cincinnati is getting the ol' late November itch again, getting back to .500 after losing 5 in a row.

Final Score: Bengals 31, Jets 10

Pittsburgh (5-4) * Detroit (2-7)

One team that's surpassed the Bengals on the AFC Central totem pole is Pittsburgh, who, behind Neil O'Donnell's resourcefulness, pulled out a fifth consecutive win. O'Donnell was firing on all cylinders, making up for Barry Foster's first real off-day by still finding him out in the field for 83 yards to add to his total of 206 for the day. Rodney Peete found his restored roar quieted by the steel curtain, reverting back to his old ways with just 146 yards and a pick. With no Barry Sanders to cover for him, Peete's Lions are already seeing sandy beaches, even before their contractually-obligated Thanksgiving Day game.

Final Score: Steelers 21, Lions 10

L.A. Raiders (4-5) * Seattle (2-7)

After valiantly falling short of a heroic comeback last week, Raiders' back-up quarterback Todd Marinovich put on an uninspiring performance of just 111 yards with a 62% completion rating. Luckily for him, he got to play a back-up high school scrimmage team in the Seattle Seahawks, led by art school dropout Stan Gelbaugh. With Gelbaugh's season progressively getting worse, it's hard to see him finish out the season before Kelly Stouffer is called upon to play the same position as guys like Bart Starr and Joe Montana.

Final Score: Raiders 27, Seahawks 10

Kansas City (2-7) * Washington (5-4)

With Kimble Anders leading the team in rushing with 25 yards and Dave Krieg only throwing for just 87 with 2 picks and a 21% completion rating, it's hard to see how the Chiefs didn't score negative points in this game. Earnest Byner remained a paragon of resilience, rushing 95 yards on 11 attempts, while Mark Rypien had one of his best days throwing with 251 yards, 113 to star receiver Gary Clark. The Redskins are heading the right way up the Appalachians; we just hope they can avoid any toothless, banjo-playing, crooked-fingered Brian Baldingers on the way to a playoff spot.

Final Score: Redskins 35, Chiefs 3

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We're hitting the stonier soil now with our next Monday Night match-up, pitting San Diego and Cleveland against each other in a strange pairing of AFC contenders. In what would normally be a late-season walkover for the Chargers, they'll now meet a Browns team hungry for a 17th game behind Coach Bill Belichick. Cleveland had won 5 straight to put them in a first place tie with Houston, but after resorting back to their early season antics in a pivotal head-on collision with their big brothers last week it's hard to say which Browns team we'll see tomorrow night. For San Diego's sake, they hope it's one that they'll use to put themselves further out of reach in the West as Stan Humphries gets poised for another miraculous playoff run. He'll have to contend with sack-leader Anthony Pleasant, who will be anything but as he tries to send Stan back to the pound and get his Bad News Browns back in the win column.

Looking Ahead: Week Eleven

Eleven weeks in, and the only thing we're sure of is that we're sure of nothing. Though teams like the Chargers, Eagles and Vikings look poised to take their divisions, we know that these next seven weeks will prove that anything goes. Teams like the Dolphins and Jets vie atop their division, while the Steelers have come out from nowhere to become the newest AFC Wild Card darlings. The NFC West appears to be poised for three representatives in the playoffs, with the order very much undetermined. With it all up in the air, it's time to take another look ahead as we make one smaller step for Tecmo kind.

The importance of a few of our early games is so obvious it's almost not even worth mentioning. But as our specialty is pointing out the obvious, we will do as much now. San Francisco will attempt to pull even with the Saints, who've only lost once this season -- to San Francisco. Buffalo will measure up against the new class of the AFC East in Miami, needing a win to just pull within .500. Meanwhile, Houston and Minnesota will meet in a clash of former Central division champions and current leaders within their division. We'll also have the pleasure of seeing the surging Eagles beat up on Green Bay and Phoenix try to make it two wins straight after going 0-8, though they'll more or less be carrion for the Falcons by the third quarter.

Aside from those contests, the rest of the early games present a fun grab bag of meaningless mid-season match-ups. Tampa Bay and Chicago will battle in the Purgatory that is the race for the NFC's 3rd Wild Card along with Dallas and the Rams. Also, Denver continues their quest to show that their one step forward and two steps back philosophy is still a worthwhile venture against a Giants team with no clear future. Lastly, to prove that this whole job is as much scraping sewer walls as it is ice cream taste testing, there's a game between New England and Indianapolis to test whether or not you still have a gag reflex.

Our Sunday evening games will pass through some important territories, first with New York's AFC representative, the Jets, trying to hold back a Bengals team that has a renewed taste for winning. Meanwhile, Pittsburgh shoots for five straight against an unpredictable Detroit team. The Redskins will take another baby step in the NFC East with a should-be walk over the Chiefs and the Raiders hope to end their hurtle by bouncing back against the AFC trampoline in Seattle.

Monday night's next melee is an AFC affair this time around, featuring the coasting Chargers battling against the hungry Browns of Cleveland. The Browns haven't scored a point since Week Nine which, not so coincidentally, was the week of their last win. Despite the setback against Houston, Mike Tomczak will continue to prove that their five-game win streak was not a fluke and that Bernie Kosar will continue to carve a spot into the Cleveland bench with his butt cheeks. In San Diego, Stan Humphries has been anything but a fluke, and will prove why he's still a top-5 quarterback in his first featured game since last year's Tecmo Bowl. In order to get his team back to the big game, he'll need to continue his calm, cool and collected crap-kicking of other teams' defenses. This game will surprisingly go a long way in determining each team's fate. Don't miss out on this one!

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AFC 

NFC

Monday Night Football: Cincinnati vs. Pittsburgh

It's an old AFC rivalry that dates back to the glory days of the NFL, when men weren't afraid to spit out a few teeth between tackles or cheat on their wives with prostitutes in seedy hotel rooms. Now players are putting extra teeth in their mouths while cheating on their wives with expensive escorts on luxury boat cruises. There was a time, however, between these two eras, where the AFC wasn't so proud and the men weren't so daring. A time when quarterbacks were taken seriously with names like Boomer and Bubby. A time when an offensive lineman named Bruce Kozerski posed for Fleer cards taking on two men, because photographers couldn't get a game-time shot of him ever getting up off his knees. The Bengals visit Pittsburgh, each team looking to break even at .500 and keep pace with the Oilers. Only one team can emerge victorious and attain that elusive goal, and it will be the team with the most drive, the most heart, and the most offensive linemen named Bruce.

It's dusk in Pittsburgh; either that, or the
radon's acting up again

Quarter One
This contest officially begins with the mysteriously named "S" Jennings returns a Gary Anderson kick to the Cincinnati 37-yard line. Mister Boomer Esiason quickly gets the Bengals into Pittsburgh territory with a play-action pass to Eddie Brown. Ickey Woods gains 10 yards on the next play, while James Brooks adds another 10 with a pitch and suddenly the Bengals are frothing from their Zubaz-designed helmets. Esiason gets in on the party with a 10-yard scramble of his own, while Brooks nears the Pittsburgh 7-yard line with a consecutive first down and game officials are letting Cincinnati in on the secret that they actually have four tries to get 10 yards. The Bengals take heed, with two consecutive pitches to Woods getting stuffed. Facing 3rd and 7, however, Woods is entrusted with the ball and less than five seconds later, fans of the Steel City are witnessing the first Ickey Shuffle of the day.

Cincinnati leads 7-0

Pittsburgh gets its first chance, starting in Bengals' territory after a poor kick and nice return by Dwight Stone. With three men wide open, Brister opts for the covered Eric Green and his pass is mercifully booted away. The fates don't approve of his tempting on second down, however, as they allow Lewis Billups to step in front of the pass and takes it back to the Bengals' 30-yard line.

Brooks gets the carry on first down, taking it around the right side of the Steelers' defense for 14 yards. The radioactive D-Line from Three Rivers hulks up for the next play, however, stuffing Brooks on first down. Esiason goes to the air for the first time since the first play of the game, finding his favorite target in Brown for 30 yards to flip the field at the Pittsburgh 35. Boomer shakes off a Greg Lloyd sack on first down, and then finds Brown in coverage for 10 yards as the quarter ends.

Quarter Two

Nobody ever commends the graphic division in charge of
the stone-faced fans, so here it is: nice work, fellas.

On 3rd and 4, the team with the ugliest helmets this side of the XFL are threatening. Boomer decides to flaunt a bit with a flea flicker to Tim McGee, but his pass is laughably intercepted in the back of the end zone, putting an end to any desire that any team may ever have of running the flea flicker ever again.

Some may say I set that last sentence up so that I could comically call a Bubby Brister flea flicker, but he ruins the fun with a conventional pass to Derek Hill for 26 yards. Kevin Walker reintroduces Brister to his childhood on the next play with a 9-yard sack, but Merrill Hoge gains it all back with his first rush of the game. The remaining ten yards aren't converted, however, and Dan Stryzinski is on for his first punt tonight.

Brooks and Woods show off the scariest rushing tandem this side of Los Angeles with a combined 60 yards on the next three plays, capped off with a blitz-avoiding pass from Esiason to Brooks in the corner of the end zone for a touchdown. The Pittsburgh defense can only sit and watch, with their heads spinning in cartoonish fashion as Brooks and Esiason perform their ceremonial Tecmo Touchdown fellatio.

Cincinnati leads 14-0

With 1:34 remaining in the half, Pittsburgh starts out at their own 36. The Steelers start off conservative with a lateral pass to Hoge for 7 yards, but are punished when he is carried off the field, frantically asking "who's going to feed the cats?" and wiping tears, blood and uranium-tinged sweat from his chin. Honoring his fallen comrade, Brister cuts loose with a long bomb to Louis Lipps, who sucks in the 54-yard pass to the Cincinnati 3-yard line. With just 40 seconds left, fullback Warren Williams makes the Miami Hurricanes proud with a run up the gut for a very important Steelers' touchdown before halftime.

Cincinnati leads 14-7

The Bengals effectively take a Tecmo knee with two straight Brooks runs up the middle to draw out the rest of the time on the clock, and they go into halftime with the lead in this exciting, somewhat incestuous hook-up.

Halftime - Bengals 14, Steelers 7

Quarter Three
From their own 27-yard line, the Steelers begin their drive to tie the game the same way their last one ended, with a Williams run up the gut for 10 straight yards in a row to convert the first down. It's nearly all moot when Brister's pass bounces off Green and is nearly intercepted by Billups again. Luckily for Brister, the same AI that makes him terrible is what kept Billups from picking off the deflected pass, and so the drive continues with a 10-yard gain by Tim Worley, in for the gushing-blood Hoge. Williams takes the next two carries, chugging his way for 29 yards into Cincinnati territory. It's only three plays later, and the Bengals have gained 14 of those back with a blitz of Williams and sack of Brister, but Gary Anderson puts his South African leg to use and nails it from 49-yards up.

Cincinnati leads 14-10

The excitement, the drama, the monochromatic uniforms.
Must be Tecmo.

With half the quarter used up and the Bengals' lead cut to 4, Boomer knows he needs to bear down like all the other blue-collar men he's putting on a show for and get his hands dirty. In reality, however, he stands back like the white-collar men and puts Ickey Woods to work instead on the next three plays. After a hard-earned first down, Esiason goes back to the air for McGee, netting 30 yards to the Pittsburgh 45-yard line. After an unsuccessful shuffle by Woods and a batted away pass to Brown, Esiason faces 3rd down in no man's land. From the gun, he finds a diving McGee, who falls short of the end zone by inches as the quarter comes to an end.

Quarter Four
Only seconds into the final quarter, and Brooks walks in for a touchdown. It's raining daggers in Pittsburgh. Literally.

Cincinnati leads 21-10

Not pictured: Chuck Noll's Cantaloupes.

Pittsburgh starts their comeback with 4:31 remaining from their own 21-yard line. Brister quickly finds Green for 24 yards, but the bad news continues piling on when Green's valiant heroics come to a bone-crushing end as he's carried off the field. Brister drops back again, and is saved from a few mincemeat pies in the face when Hill steals a sure interception from the Bengals and carries it to the Cincinnati 38-yard line. Two meaningless plays later, and the Steelers are suddenly facing a must-convert 3rd and 7. James Francis mercilessly takes them out of field goal range, however--at least by conventional standards--but Coach Chuck Noll isn't conventional, and as an avid student of the football video game curriculum, shouts "Nobody PUNTS in Tecmo!" and shoves Gary Anderson out on to the field for a 61-yard field goal. The ball travels far enough to actually hit the upright and bounce back on to the field, however it's still only Anderson's third-most heartbreaking field goal miss in his career.

Boomer's first pass to Brown is nearly intercepted, eliciting cries and perhaps a few grown-man sobs, a sound heard quite often on the drive as the Bengals convert one first down after the other, finally hammering in the last nail of Pittsburgh's coffin with an exclamatory flea flicker to McGee for a 45-yard touchdown.

Cincinnati leads 28-10

Down by 18 with 1:23 left, Dwight Stone is able to find midfield on the return. Worley is given the ball on first down, which is questionable enough, but the Bengals' foreknowledge of the play call and its ensuing blitz causes me to wonder what kind of illegal deeds are being done in Cincinnati, outside of their receiving corps, of course. Worley gets in some more work with a gain of 6 yards, but apparently Coach Noll doesn't like what he sees and asks Brister to throw on 3rd and 9 with a minute remaining. His pass, intended for Hill, is completely read by Barney Bussey, who intercepts the ball and ices the game.

The Bengals comically lose 13 yards on the next two plays of their drive, showing that even in winning, sometimes there is no glory.

Final: Bengals 28, Steelers 10

Hand it to the Bengals: they went into hostile rival territory, and hardly bungled it at all. Boomer was flaming, more than usual, with his 254 passing yards more than doubling his counterpart and fellow nickname-starting-with-B quarterback. Tim McGee continued his hot streak, causing 'McGee' jerseys to become the most popular since the hundreds of rapscallions showing up at school with 'Lipps' written on their backs. The Bengals slide one more game up in the division, trying valiantly to keep in line with the Oilers, while Pittsburgh sees itself sliding off the bubble as the playoff party is started to get more crowded and stuffy. Cincinnati will continue to look toward making things interesting, and if I get to see Boomer and Ickey in a simulated Tecmo playoffs, I'll finally get to that last item on my bucket list.

Week Eleven: Full-On Frenzy

The byes are over and we've got a hefty schedule on hand this week. As seen in our Looking Ahead feature, it's a full deck filled with interesting storylines and playoff implications. Nobody's more excited to see this thing through than me, and now that we're getting closer to the last leg it's all finally being realized. Of course we'll miss the friends we've made and the new Tecmo memories that have been created, but I can only comment on the crummy play of Rodney Peete three or four more times before I start to question my own existence on this rock called Earth.

1:00 Games

Classic NFC West: Rivalries two time zones away

San Francisco (5-4) at New Orleans (4-5)

The Saints were passed over for dead just a few games into the season, but with a chance here to show up the 49ers and slip into a possible 1st place tie you'd have to believe Steve Walsh and Co. were ready to play to the best of their ability. And while the best of Walsh's ability wasn't too shabby with 87% completion and 1 pick to 3 touchdowns, and New Orleans owned the time of possession with 14 first downs, they unfortunately had to compete with the Holy Trinity, San Francisco chapter, in Joe Montana, Jerry Rice and Joe 'Holy Ghost' Rathman.

Final Score: 49ers 28, Saints 24

New York Giants (5-4) at Phoenix (1-9)

Timm Rosenbach had his foot on the Giants' throat with a lead in the fourth quarter, threatening a debilitating second loss in a row to the G-Men, but because Rosenbach's foot was mostly paper-mache and the Giants had Ottis Anderson rolling for 153 yards, they were able to somehow rebound with two unanswered touchdowns to get back on the winning track. Alternatively, the Cardinals have just one more win than you.

Final Score: Giants 24, Cardinals 14

The enigma of Eagles continues

Cleveland (4-5) at Philadelphia (5-4)

The Browns took the Eagles to overtime, and that was their second mistake. Their first was having their defense act as the red carpet for QB Eagles' comeback tour, who ran for 130 yards on just 8 carries. Cleveland led 27-13 in the fourth quarter, with a chance to throw a wrench into two divisional races, but decidedly fell apart faster than fellow Cleveland native Drew Carey's optimism at the beginning of each Price is Right episode.

Final Score: Eagles 33, Browns 27 (OT)

New England (1-8) at Miami (7-2)

The Phins trounced the Pats in their first match-up, and that was in New England. Therefore, we were understandably worried about the health and well-being of Foxboro's Finest when Dan Marino welcomed them to sunny Miami. The ruthless factor was toned down a bit, with Tony Paige taking over the offense with 55 yards rushing and 104 yards receiving, but I'm sure it was still quite difficult for Coach Shula to rein it in at thirty-five.

Final Score: Dolphins 35, Patriots 14

L.A. Raiders (4-5) at Denver (6-3)

What's more frustrating than a defensive coordinator having to plan against the two-headed she-witch of Marcus Allen and Bo Jackson? Offensive coordinators that don't utilize them. Allen led the Raiders in rushing with just 16 yards on 3 carries, while on the other side Bobby Humphrey ran over the L.A. 'D' for 111 yards. Denver gains yet another game over the Raiders, while Jay Schroeder gains a Careerbuilder profile.

Final Score: Broncos 34, Raiders 28 (OT)

New York Jets (3-6) at Indianapolis (2-7)

The Colts win their first game since Week 3, a win that, while coming much too late, reminds us of Indianapolis' glory days, with Jeff George tossing 205 yards and no picks and Albert Bentley rushing 88 yards and catching 3 balls for 75 yards. Call me strange, but I'm more excited to see who doesn't finish last in this division, rather than who finishes first.

Final Score: Colts 24, Jets 17

Kansas City (4-5) at L.A. Rams (5-4)

Somehow the Rams keep finding ways to crap on their amazing start, losing their fourth of the last five. Jim Everett lobbed up two picks and threw for an underwhelming 170 yards, while Steve DeBerg shocked the world with 175 yards and only 1 interception. Kansas City gets their much-needed win, while the Rams finally return the 'Divison Champions' banner to the 49ers that they stole at the beginning-of-the-season banquet.

Final Score: Chiefs 20, Rams 17

They had an extra uniform in the nurse's closet

Seattle (6-3) at San Diego (6-3)

Nate Lewis joins this rollicking affair, which came to an end with only 21 points scored and the Chargers taking revenge to kick Seattle out of the first-place club. While B.J. Tolliver was begging to lose with his 3 interceptions, Dave Krieg shattered his dreams with his decision to only connect on 25% of his passes and 84 yards. Once again, the AFC West reminds us why they're always the needy little brother at the playoffs party.

Final Score: Chargers 14, Seahawks 7

Tampa Bay (4-5) at Detroit (2-7)

The Buccaneers take advantage of their meeting in Detroit to get back to .500 after scoring in the fourth quarter to go ahead. Gary Anderson out-ran Barry Sanders by nearly 50 yards, while Vinny Testaverde slept through three quarters and then came out in his creamsicle sweatsuit and still out-passed Rodney Peete by 100 yards. Detroit hosts a Thanksgiving game next week, leading me to wonder why only a turkey gets lucky enough to be pardoned.

Final Score: Buccaneers 17, Lions 13

4:00 Games

Minnesota (9-1) at Chicago (4-5)

The Vikings travel to the Windy City to play the only team that's beaten them thus far. While Neal Anderson still made the Minnesota run defense look silly, the Vikings nab their tenth win in a row by silencing the mighty Jim Harbaugh with only 92 yards passing and taking over time of possession with 17 first downs. Minnesota is close to being the first to clinch their division, which may cause a Tecmo programming glitch.

Final Score: Vikings 21, Bears 16

We'll miss his happy smiles and season-crushing fumbles

Washington (5-4) at Atlanta (2-7)

Just when we thought there'd be some shuffling in the NFC East this week, Washington keeps its log in the jam with a predictable win against the hapless Falcons. Earnest Byner goes out in the first, throwing up question marks for what may remain of Washington's season, but Mark Rypien remains sharp with 244 yards and no picks. While his heroism is enough to keep the Redskins in the race, his finesse is what the ladies clamor for.

Final Score: Redskins 31, Falcons 21

Houston (7-2) at Dallas (5-4)

The 'Boys can't make it four in a row for their division, losing the Lone Star Battle to Houston. Dallas tried to rally from down 28-10, but Warren Moon fought them off by leading his team in passing, rushing, and would have led in receiving had his pass to himself not been overthrown by twenty yards. The Oilers will now be watching Monday's game with interest, but the kind of interest one gives to the wardrobe of a porno.

Final Score: Oilers 28, Cowboys 24

Eat your hearts out, soccer fans

Buffalo (7-2) at Green Bay (6-3)

I admit that, while the season is starting to round out into the conventional same-12 teams, we've had some fun surprises so far this year. Therefore, it couldn't have been complete without a five-quarter tie between two teams trying to keep pace with their red-hot division leaders. Majkowski and QB Bills combined for 507 yards passing, but neither could lob up the one pass needed to get in position for the win. Although it was a tough pill to swallow for Green Bay's division championship hopes, backup Packers' QB Anthony Dilweg had no problem kissing his sister on the lips.

Final Score: Bills 28, Packers 28

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We head into Monday night with the last two teams that have yet to be featured, the Cincinnati Bengals and Pittsburgh Steelers. It's an AFC Central showdown with a chance to stay in the hunt, and both teams are looking to their captains to continue leading them on the right path. Neither team has done much this season to stand out, perhaps the reason why they're the last to be featured, but they both are set to put on a great game with Pittsburgh's stout defense against Cincinnati's powerful offense. Look forward to a good mixture of Boomer passes and James Brooks prances, along with a dash of Bubby Brister trying to figure out if it's his socks or his shoes that go on first.

"Now listen Bubby, I know it's called a football, but you
have to stop kicking it to your receivers..."

Looking Ahead: Week Eleven

We welcome all 28 teams back to the fold (until Week 14, when Phoenix and Minnesota weirdly skirt off into a closet somewhere). And just in time, too, as there's some business to settle this week. There's still a chance for all teams to make noise, as nobody's yet mathematically eliminated, but for the most part it's going to be a grind to the end for some divisions to split apart. Luckily the return to a 14-game format brings with it some interesting divisional clashes. Also, it's the first time since Week 8 that we get to see Albert Bentley and Derrick Fenner compete for your affection!

San Francisco took back control of the NFC West with a win last week, and now must visit the surging Saints in New Orleans. While we've focused in on the NFC East and AFC West log-jam, a Saints win could potentially lead to a three-way struggle--something Joe Montana's well-accustomed to.

The Giants look to get back on track after losing for the first time in six games by kicking around the division's doormat, the Phoenix Cardinals. The Giants No.2-ranked run defense should hold Johnny Johnson in check, so all they need to worry about is how much Timm Rosenbach blood their wives will have to wash out of their whites.

Philadelphia got back into the race last week, and now welcome a fading Browns team for a chance to keep moving in the right direction within their division. It's a battle of nameless QBs, which historically is only the second time since a 1977 game between the LA Rams and St Louis Cardinals.

Despite what you've heard, these teams did exist in 1977

Miami's hit a soft spot in their schedule, facing the New England Patriots only one week after destroying the Colts. The Dolphins made a mockery of NFL parity when they beat New England in Week 6 with a basketball score, which is funny since the Miami Heat were just seen lacing the Boston Celtics' shoes last week.

The Raiders were surging earlier in the season, but fell back to earth and now stand two games out of first behind the Denver Broncos. They meet in Denver with a chance for redemption and a game in the standings after losing a close one in Week 2. There's also a chance that Jay Schroeder may not get lost at the airport.

Indianapolis is looking for their first win since Week 3, and could end the league's longest losing streak in a very winnable game against the New York Jets. While the Jets started their own 2-game winning streak against the Colts in Week 8, signs of a turnaround started showing as soon as Ken O.Brien lost his year's salary playing craps in Atlantic City two nights ago.

In a game where both teams are hungry for a win to stay in the hunt, we're looking for the Chiefs to bury the Rams' hopes for a rare division championship. The Chiefs need the win more, and we think they'll take advantage of a struggling Rams team that's won once in the last four games, and never in scariest uniform contest.

San Diego and Seattle meet for the second time in three weeks, and once again it's in a first-place tiebreaker. The Chargers flopped against Seattle, with BJ Tolliver only completing one stinking pass, but now they're at home and the probability of at least doubling that amount is a strong 20%.

You can't spell Tolliver without 'E-L-I-T-E'

Detroit and Tampa Bay will supposedly play a game.

The afternoon begins with a huge division rematch, as Minnesota travels to Chicago to play the only team that's beaten them this year. The Bears need another win here to stay alive, a statement I probably would have branded you for saying after Week One.

The Redskins are looking for a second chance to move ahead in their division, after giving the game away to Houston last week. They'll travel to Atlanta to match up against a Falcons team with nothing left to play for this season but Mike Rozier's dignity and a bag of used footballs for next year.

In what may have been the game of the week had we not forgotten about the teams actually in our featured game, Buffalo heads over to Green Bay for their first real challenge in weeks. Green Bay was a strong contender for a division crown earlier this year, but have lost some inexplicable games. Look for the Packers to get back on track and delay another Bills' tear to a division crown, and for Ed West to crush a small child during his 3 Lambeau Leaps.

Houston and Dallas will meet in a Lone Star State battle, in a game that carries much more importance for the Cowboys than the Oilers. While Warren Moon has already booked a room in Nashville, the site of this year's Tecmo Bowl, Tommie Agee is still paying off his hotel room in Philadelphia by washing dishes.

And finally, our Monday Night game features the final two teams we've not yet seen, Boomer's Bengals and Bubby's Steelers. It's an AFC Central battle between two 4-5 teams looking for bragging rights and a chance to put a little heat on Houston. While we like the cut of Bubby's jib, Cincinnati has James Brooks and a guy named 'Ickey', while Pittsburgh's lone claim to fame is Bryan Hinkle's failed 'Steel City Selects' line of pickled vegetables.

"If it doesn't say 'Hinkle', throw away that pickle!"

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AFC

NFC